Chapter Text
Hello
God, this feels stupid, doesn’t it? I’ve never been one for diaries or journals. I think I might have tried to keep one when I was five, but everyone had a phase like that I believe. I don’t know why I never bothered, I guess I just didn’t leave myself the time. I have time now. I’ve given up on everything I could have spent my time on.
Where do I even begin? When you left, Kaguya, I felt so empty. The kind of empty that surprises you because you didn’t notice you were full before. I only ever felt something vaguely similar when my brother left. But that was a different kind of hurt, I was younger, more confused, I didn’t understand him which allowed me to be angry at him. I understand you. Which is why I hate this so much more.
I spent hours staring at your bracelet. I wondered what material it is. If you were here, you could tell me. But you’re not, you’re far away on the moon, and you can’t tell me anything.
Truth be told, that’s the part that hurts the least. I’ve never really cared much about myself or seen much meaning in my feelings, but when you came into my life, so bright, so eager to see the world, I found myself caring for you. Both literally and in the emotional sense, I suppose. You, Kaguya, who wanted to see everything the world had to offer, who wanted to taste and smell and hear and touch everything. The princess who wanted nothing more than her happy ending.
It was so hard for me to believe when you first said that. “Does anyone really believe in happy endings?”, I thought. “Only a naive princess would bother with those.” But as time went on and I spent my days with you, I found myself closer and closer to believing in mine. And now look at me. I should’ve known better than to believe. I should’ve known better than to love you.
And I love you, Kaguya, I really do! I love you so much I’m sure you can feel it all the way on the moon, I love you enough to shine brighter than the sun. I love you so much that, and this is the part that surprised me, I even began to love myself. My own life. I began to want, for the first time in so long, and now I still want but you’re not here to do it with me so really I want nothing at all.
I shouldn’t rot away like this. I look like a mess, and I can’t remember the last time I’ve eaten. You wouldn’t like seeing me like this. You’d probably make some sort of elaborate, far too expensive meal and force me to eat it to cheer me up, and it would work. I don’t think I’ll be able to cheer myself up without you, but I can at least try to return to normal. I think I have to. I don’t know what else to do.
I’m trying to think of all the things that would bring me joy, and I can’t think of a single thing. I don’t want to eat nice food if it’s not with you. I don’t want to go to any concerts or festivals if it’s not with you. I don’t want to play any games because the last time I played them all was with you.
I had a plan before you came along. I think that’s what I should return to. Tomorrow, I’ll go back to school, and hand in my application to university. I’ll apologize to Roka and Mami for ghosting them, and I’ll take the next shift at my job. It won’t be the same, but then again, nothing ever will.