Chapter Text
Ilya had spent the entire day yesterday grocery shopping; buying things that he knew Shane would love to eat and drink. The thought of how he would go about asking Shane to spend the day with him lingering in the back of his mind. He didn’t know it yet and surely hasn’t processed it, but he delighted in spending time with Shane. Sure, the sex was fantastic, but Ilya wanted more. That was where his thoughts defaulted to a stop. He wasn’t sure what “more” was and he sure as hell wasn’t going to stumble on his words trying to explain that to Shane. It scared the hell out of him. It might scare Shane too. The last thing he wants is to scare him away. Maybe if he is lucky, Shane might even agree to staying the night.
Tomorrow will be perfect. They both had a late game the day after and late flights following that; there was no need to rush like their previous endeavors. Ilya wanted to cherish and relish the short time he had with Shane. He always wanted more. A whole day surely wouldn’t be enough but it would be the most time they’ve ever spent together and he was nervous at the thought. He knew Shane was on a special macrobiotic diet and wouldn’t dare deviate away from whatever foods he allowed himself to eat. Tuna melts should fit in that diet seamlessly, he thought as he grabbed the ingredients off the shelf. Of course, can’t forget the Ginger Ale. Shane’s favorite, he smiled at the thought and grabbed the pack. Ilya went home and prepped the meals in tupperwares so Shane wouldn’t know that he planned everything down to the last detail. Ginger Ales in the fridge, cold just for Shane. Ilya likes to look nonchalant, hard to read. What draws him so easily into Shane is that he’s the opposite, so easy to read, bad liar, boring. It intrigued Ilya more than he cared to admit.
—
The doorbell rings and Ilya ran to open the door, fully expecting to see his situationship of seven years at the door waiting for him. He didn’t even give himself time to throw on a t-shirt. He opens the door, moving his mouth to make a quick remark, something to tease Shane to make him sheepishly avoid eye contact as he tells Ilya to shut up. Only, it wasn’t Shane at the door. It was Svetlana.
Taken aback, his mouth agape, he says, “Svetlana, what are you doing here?”
“Surprising you! But you don’t seem too happy to see me. Is now a bad time?” She gives him a puzzled look. Then looks at him up and down, noticing he’s half dressed.
“Well, I am expecting somebody, but I think they’re running late…” He trails off.
“Do you mind if I just touch up my makeup then? I am hanging out with other friends soon and I was stopping by to invite you out! If you are busy, then don’t worry.” Ilya nods for her to come in.
“Who are you expecting? Jane?” She asks from the hallway restroom.
Stunned at how she knew Shane’s codename in his phone, Ilya takes a breath, not knowing what to say. Noticing his silence, Svetlana doesn’t push the question. It hangs in the air, thickening, deafening. Svetlana and Ilya have been best friends since they were little, nobody would know Ilya better than Svetlana. She knew he had been texting someone named Jane for the past years. Whenever they would go clubbing, having dinner, visiting his family in Russia, and even when they were being intimate with each other, Svetlana knew Ilya was in love with somebody else. It had been a while since they’d been intimate and coupled with all the other signs, it wasn’t a reach for her to come to that conclusion. For their relationship, it was difficult to explain. They were best friends essentially that just sometimes had emotionless sex. Just for the physicality, the familiarity. She had also assumed Ilya was in love with another man. That would explain his hesitancy to confirm anything to her. Just a feeling she had and she was supportive, but she understood the NHL wouldn’t be as supportive. Maybe if he admitted he loved a man, his career would be over. She knew the stakes and the pressure Ilya has on his shoulders and so, she never pushed him, questioned him, just stayed by his side quietly supporting him. She still does.
Svetlana finishes her make-up and finds Ilya in the kitchen, immersed in his phone, tapping his foot impatiently on the floor. She peeks and reads the on my way text from none other than Jane. Sent 10 minutes ago. She smiles at guessing correctly earlier. She opens the fridge, looking for a sparkling water to take with her. To her amusement and slight surprise, all she sees is Ginger Ale.
“Jane must be one lucky…girl.” She muses, closing the space in between them.
“Ah, well, so are you.” He chuckles.
“Have fun, Ilya.” She taps his chest playfully.
“You too.” He smiles and nods at her.
And with that, she left.
—
Shane takes out his carefully folded clothes out of his luggage and places them on the bed, seemingly trying to decide what to wear. He is going to see Ilya today, his seven year situationship, which sounds silly with the label so they choose not to. Not that their relationship would be easy to label. Shane had always liked directness, maybe even the bluntness of things, especially in conversation. He hated having to guess things. When he didn’t understand something, it could be someone’s intentions or goals or even a concept, he would repeatedly, maybe annoyingly ask questions to make sure he fully understands. He takes things literally and needs things to be fully stated or spoken to understand. His relationship with Ilya was something he didn’t fully understand, but asking questions scares him and so, he doesn’t. Ilya intrigues him in the sense that things are left unsaid. Up to interpretation. Because of this, Shane directly thinks that the nature and maybe all their relationship can ever be is just physical. Maybe rivals or enemies with benefits. He wasn’t even sure about labeling them as friends as they’ve played against each other on opposing teams on the ice for so many years. Shane had gone into his relationship with Ilya headfirst without calculating and without thinking which is abnormal for him to say the least. Ilya gives him a rush of emotions, adrenaline, that he wasn’t used to, that he constantly came back for. He doesn’t allow himself to get wrapped up into the thoughts and emotions. The complications. He grounds himself after every interaction. This is just purely physical. Nothing more. Nothing less. Almost a mantra he uses to comfort himself. Maybe even a lie. He caught himself slipping up once when after an interaction, he almost texted Ilya, we didn’t even kiss. He startled himself and deleted it before he gave himself the chance to send it. That was too close. He thought.
“You’re goin out to see that Lily girl again, huh?” Hayden snaps him back from his thoughts.
“What? No, I’m just going out.” Shane lies. Badly.
“Hey, don’t worry. I don’t care. Whatever you do, just be safe buddy.” Hayden puts his hands up in defense.
“Okay, don’t wait up.”
“Don’t worry sweetie, I won’t.” Hayden teases as Shane rolls his eyes.
Shane makes his way to the door at the address that Ilya sent him. He was excited, but also nervous. It had been a few weeks since they saw each other. From the window, he thinks he sees a girl. Upon moving closer towards the window, he confirms it is a girl. A beautiful one. He watches her move closer to Ilya and places her hands on his chest. Ilya doesn’t reject the touch, but instead, welcomes it. Shane felt dizzy. He’d seen enough. He felt like he just got punched in the stomach. He hears footsteps moving closer to the door and he hides behind the wall past the door. His heart beating out of his chest. Why would he invite Shane over when he presumably just had a girl over for sex? Shane couldn’t even think clearly, his brain was buzzing. He hears the door to the house close. His phone vibrates. It was Ilya. Are you here yet? Did you get lost? Why was he concerned about Shane? He just had a girl over! Shane felt stupid. Played. He shoved the phone in his jeans pockets.
They never said whatever their relationship was, was exclusive. There were never labels. Shane just assumed. He surely wasn’t out having sex with other pretty girls or guys. Ilya was Shane’s first, well, everything where Ilya had been with tons of people before. Shane felt like a loser. His world spun, the ground beneath him felt like they were pixels falling from a computer screen, leaving him holding on for dear life. His reaction was worse than he realized - maybe Shane did develop feelings for Ilya in all this mess of a relationship. Maybe he was the only one. Maybe he was wrong that there could be something more. Maybe this was just purely physical. The spiral seemed like an eternity. He debated on whether he should just not respond and leave now while he can before he embarasses himself somehow. Before Ilya’s beautiful blue eyes made him forget what he saw, his raspy voice rewrote all the thoughts he had in his head, and his strong hands override the pain he feels at this moment. He takes a deep breath with his eyes closed, fists clenched, and moves to the front of the door. When he opens his eyes, he decides that he wants to leave. Shane takes another deep breath to give himself the courage to walk away. He takes one step back and suddenly, the door opens.
“Hollander, how long have you been out here?” Ilya questions, his big blue eyes opened wide, not expecting Shane standing outside his door. He was worried since Shane didn’t answer his text and he was going to go for a short walk to see if maybe he was lost somewhere.
“Um, I j-just got here.” Shane stutters, equally surprised that Ilya got to him as he was just planning on leaving.
“Well, come in.” Ilya nods and opens the door wider.
Shane, completely caught off-guard, and submissive by nature, walks right into the house. To his despair, his actions weren’t following his brain. This was not the first instance of this happening. He was frustrated and hadn’t processed anything of what he just saw. In short, his brain was a mess.
“Can we just talk first?-” Shane barely asked before the latter grabbed him by the waist and lifted him onto the kitchen counter. The same kitchen the mysterious, pretty girl was in just minutes earlier.
“We can talk after, I missed you.” Ilya whispers before peppering kisses all over Shane’s neck.
That was all it took for Shane to fold like a newspaper from The New York Times. After a couple of rounds of incredible sex, Ilya had invited Shane into the living room. He turned the TV on to watch a replay of a recent game that was played last night.
“Are you hungry? I am. Do you like tuna melt?” Ilya asks, sounding more eager than nonchalant.
“Uh, you want to make me a tuna melt?” Shane is amused and confused at the domesticated nature of the situation.
“Well it would be rude to make one just for me. And I am hungry.” Ilya rolls his eyes jokingly.
“Sure.” Shane reluctantly agrees. What the hell am I doing, I should leave. If I stay, I’ll stay forever. Who knows if that other girl will come back or if he has a new girl coming soon? Maybe he also has sex with other guys. Shane would not want to be here to see any other possible beautiful guests of Ilya’s.
Ilya takes out tupperwares from the fridge and begins to make the sandwiches while Shane watches him, spacing out, lost in his thoughts. Ilya places a cold Ginger Ale in front of Shane without saying anything. Shane is even more confused now.
“You like Ginger Ale enough to keep it at your house?” He questions Ilya.
“No, it’s just for you.” Ilya shrugs.
Shane is overwhelmed. He doesn’t know what to think anymore. His instinct is to run. Nothing here is direct. Nothing here is concrete. His feet feel like they’re floating off the ground and he can’t take it. He takes out his phone and pretends he received a message from his parents.
“Rozanov, I have to go. Looks like my parents need me for something. I have to meet up with them.” He lies.
“Oh? What happened?” Ilya quizzes.
“They said I have an urgent brand deal to look at.” He bites his lip. Shane was never a good liar.
“What about tuna melt? Can’t they wait or ask you tomorrow?” Ilya furrowed his eyebrows, confused at Shane’s sudden words. The subtle invitation to stay over flying right over Shane’s head.
“It’s okay, I’ll just buy something on the way there.” Shane stands and starts to gather his things.
“Hollander,” Ilya pleads. “Hollander.”
Shane was already practically running out of the door, leaving Ilya flustered, panicked, and dazed. Did I do something? Ilya rushes his memories to try to figure out why Shane was acting weird, but couldn’t think of anything. He was heartbroken. Devastated. Never could Ilya imagine this was how the day was going to end. He didn’t even get the chance to ask him to stay, to ask for more. He didn’t get to share a meal with Shane. Ilya stares at the cold Ginger Ale can on his counter that Shane rejected. But he loves Ginger Ale.
His phone rings, snapping him from his spiral. He practically runs to grab his phone from the counter, thinking it was maybe Shane calling to tell him to unlock the door, that he made a mistake, that he didn’t mean to run away. To his disappointment, it was Alexei, his brother. Probably wanting more money, the corner of Ilya’s mouth lifts into a disgusted, sour expression. He places the phone down and sinks into the bitter aroma of burnt toast. Frustrated at the situation. His life. Blinking rapidly from the whirlwind of upsetting emotions, Ilya replays the day. Scouring every detail to pinpoint the moment things went wrong. Then it clicked. Did Shane see Svetlana? Did they greet each other at the door? Did she say something to him? Blyat. He throws the burnt food into the trash, almost frantically, grabs his keys, and rushes out the door.
—
Shane was now back in the hotel room he shared with Hayden. His brain, a flurry of anxiety and sadness. His eyes were red and blinded by tears, threatening to fall for the past hour. He was physically drained. He had spent quite some time now beating himself up for being fooled by Ilya, feeling stupid, feeling sad and angry for himself that he let things get this far. His own fault that he got his hopes up for something more. The whole time he thought he was building something, making progress, and getting closer to Ilya, allowing himself to fall deeper and deeper. How embarrassing. How foolish. He bitterly chuckled to himself in the empty hotel elevator.
He quietly opens the door and closes it, not to announce that he was back so embarrassingly soon. He hears Hayden talking on the phone and Jackie’s voice on the other line, telling each other about their plans for tomorrow. Shane didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but there was something he liked about their conversation. The domestic and mundane nature of casually having a conversation with someone you loved, so openly. Shane moves slowly into the room and makes eye contact with Hayden, sitting up in his bed.
“Hey buddy, you’re back early.” Hayden blinks, surprised.
“Um, yeah, I just….just wanted to come back.” Shane tries to sound casual as he takes off his jacket and carefully folds it, placing it onto a chair by his bed.
“Are you okay man?” Hayden’s surprised tone shifts to concerned.
He didn’t expect Shane to be back so soon, he actually didn’t expect Shane to come back at all tonight. Hayden knows that sometimes, Shane would be gone, he assumes with a lover or whatever whenever they had some free time in between flights or games. He didn’t question it, he didn’t care enough to. Shane seemed happy and Hayden was happy for him, he understood his private nature and respected it both as a friend and as a subordinate to the Captain. Hayden never pushed him, he didn’t have a reason to. When he’s ready, he’ll introduce the lucky girl to Hayden. And until then, it’s simply none of his business.
“Yeah, just had a long day. I think I’m just going to shower and go to bed.” Shane forced a smile.
“Alright buddy, just let me know if you need anything. I can talk to Jackie down in the lobby if I’m too loud. The kids are all refusing to go to bed and you know how they get when they stay up past bedtime.” Hayden offers.
“Uh, yeah, maybe.” Shane nods and grabs his pajamas from his luggage.
The shower helped Shane relax just a little bit. Only helped him push out the thoughts about Ilya for so long. It seems he always thinks about Ilya, the realization annoyed him. When he came out of the bathroom, Hayden was gone. He appreciated Hayden not pushing him for more information. He didn’t want to talk about it. Hell, he barely even processed it.
Why was he so upset about some girl being at Ilya’s house? They never were exclusive. They never talked or solidified the nature of their relationship. For 7 years, it was just meeting up for sex here and there, maybe some texts that teased and poked fun at one another. Why do I feel possessive over Ilya? The question repeating, backing him into a corner. His heart races. Afraid of his brain’s answer. Do I have feelings for Ilya? He unconsciously blushes. Sure, he thought their relationship (whatever it was) was exclusive. Shane never thought about seeing anyone else. He never was intimate with other people either. He didn’t want to. He was happy and comfortable with Ilya. He never gave it more thought than that before today. For seven years, he had only seen and been with Ilya.
Faced with the harsh reality of his feelings, he didn’t know what to do. He curled up into the bed, hoping it would swallow him completely. This new realization doesn’t do much to comfort him, in fact, it scares him. More than anything else. Here I am admitting that I have feelings for Ilya and he’s probably having sex with that girl. Or a different girl. Or guy. The spiral seemed bottomless. He was alone now and allowed the tears to escape the corners of his eyes. Quietly sniffling, his eyes grow heavy, and he doesn’t have the energy to fight them. Just wishes that tomorrow would come faster. Maybe today was all just a bad dream and tomorrow will be different. Better. He laid there for a while, maybe twenty minutes in a lazy slumber, going in and out of consciousness before sitting up. His thoughts relentlessly fight sleep. Maybe going to the gym or going on a run will make him feel better. Maybe it will help make him feel less anxious. Maybe being tired will force the spiral to stop. He gets up and changes into his gym clothes.
—
Ilya knew where Shane and his team were staying. He always does. But tonight, he doesn’t know the room number. He knew the risk that Shane was definitely not in a room alone, but at this moment, he didn’t care. He knew how Shane was. If he saw Svetlana, he knew Shane would freak out, explaining his sudden and weird interactions earlier. The fear of losing Shane scared Ilya, more than his own feelings for Shane. He tried calling him but the calls went straight to voicemail. He needed to tell him that he wants more. Shane needs to know. If he didn’t love him back, that would be devastating, but he could accept it. Rushing to the hotel lobby, he braced himself for rejection. He doesn’t even know what he’ll say to Shane, but he just needed to see him. He spots Hayden in the corner of the lobby, talking on the phone. He wants to run to him and ask which room Shane is in, but, as he walks closer, Hayden ends the phone call and turns towards the elevator. Ilya runs to get in.
“What the hell, get your own lift!” Hayden protests as Ilya gets in just as the doors close.
“Not like I had a choice.” Ilya grumbles, catching his breath from the run.
“You could have literally gotten on the next one.” Hayden rolls his eyes and presses a floor number. Ilya takes a mental note. “What floor are you going to?”
“None of your business.” Ilya jokingly huffs and shrugs.
“Alright, asshole.” Hayden retorts.
“Who are you sharing room with?” Ilya attempts to slyly make small talk. Testing the water.
“None of your business.” Hayden chuckles.
Damn it.
“Is it Shane?” The words from Ilya surprise both Hayden and him.
He hadn’t called him that out loud before. He was always Hollander. It was a bit of an intimate choice, but something made it seem so natural. So much for playing it nonchalantly. He mentally rolls his eyes at himself.
“Shane? Since when do you call him that and why do you want to know?” Hayden muses. He noticed too.
“I take that as a yes.” Ilya winks.
“I didn’t say shit. Don’t bother my captain, alright.” Hayden shakes his head in defiance.
“Bother? He’s probably doing something boring like…sleeping.” Ilya plays along.
“Actually, well…” Hayden looks at Ilya, wondering how he could have guessed that. Did he miss something? Ilya wasn’t being as mean as usual and this new look caught him off guard. He was pretty charming when he’s not an absolute asshole. Or was this some trick? Hayden never liked Ilya but was amused by this new side. He was also annoyed. Why the hell was he concerned about his best friend? Ilya, on the other hand, was pretty happy he knew Shane so well to fluster his best friend.
The elevator bell dings and the doors open. Hayden steps out and Ilya waves at him. Hayden responds by lifting his middle finger up at him, chuckling. Not to arouse suspicion, Ilya decides to take the elevator back down before continuing his pursuit of Shane. He watched and counted the steps that Hayden took to get to his room from the elevator. Now, he just needs the coast to be clear. The elevator dings once more and announces the lobby floor. Before it gets a chance to open, Ilya hits the floor number that he saw Hayden hit just a few moments earlier and waits. His anxiety pounding through his ribcage as he prepares to face Shane. His mind races, trying to put sentences together. His heart preparing for a brutal rejection. The elevator opens its doors on the lobby floor despite Ilya already fighting it to close. Revealing a silhouette that resembled Shane, Ilya couldn’t help but to look at the face of the person. Sure enough. He was face to face with a sweaty, post-workout Shane. His freckles shining and his face flushed. So beautifully breath-taking.
“What do you mean he’s…” He seemed to be on the phone and trails off as soon as he locks eyes with Ilya.
Shane freezes almost immediately, the hand holding his cell phone falling to his side. He didn’t know what to expect when Hayden called him saying that Rozanov was in their hotel looking and asking for Shane. Hell, he thought Hayden got drunk and was just seeing things to be completely honest. He didn’t believe him until this moment.
“Um, hi.” Ilya nods.
What was Ilya even doing here? Was he here to fuck somebody else tonight? Classic, I guess. Shane wanted to ask him, but he also wanted to run away again. He wasn’t ready to face him, to confront him.
“Hi.” Shane takes a small step back.
“We need to talk.” Ilya says, motioning Shane to come in.
This is it. Shane steps into the elevator and Ilya presses his floor. How did he know which floor Shane was on? Shane didn’t focus too much on that though. He’s going to end things with me and tell me he wants to meet new people or something even worse. He closes his eyes and waits for the blow, accepting his fate.