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Shane should have bought that extra energy drink to class. 

He was currently fighting not to doze off in the middle of his political science class, cursing J.J. who convinced him an 8 AM lecture was worth it. 

Shane looked down the row and yup, J.J. had his head down on his desk. Hayden and Rose were sticking pens into his hoodie, distracted from the professor who was droning on in the front. 

He glanced at his laptop, where his scarce notes were staring back, taunting him. Their first quiz was already next week, their professor unforgiving, and he was screwed unless he could pawn some from another student. He rubbed his eyes and clicked instead to his Excel spreadsheet. It was almost time for pledge week and the upcoming class needed to be sorted. 

Shane was in his third year of college and newly minted president of Sigma Alpha, a title that he had busted his ass for. Normally reserved for a senior, Shane still felt grateful that his predecessor deemed him ready for it.

The meeting before he had been given the official rank, he promised Scott Hunter he would prioritize his fraternity alongside school and hockey. 

“I don’t give a rats ass about your 4.0 GPA Hollander,” Scott told him plainly. “Or that you lead our team in goals. I need to know you’ll be there for our brothers, our pledges.” 

Shane held his position with pride, ambitious to make Sigma Alpha the most prestigious fraternity at Boston University.

Which normally wouldn’t be a problem for an overachiever like Shane… if it weren’t for Kappa Tau. 

“Here he goes,” Hayden muttered under his breath, having grown bored of messing with a sleeping J.J. “In 3…2…1…”

Shane didn’t have to look up from his laptop to know who he was referring to. Their professor had asked a question and there was only one person in this classroom awake enough to answer.

Ilya Rozanov. 

The president of Kappa Tau. 

Ilya, a constant thorn in Shane’s side. 

Shane and he were co-captains of their hockey team, both vying for the valedictorian spot next year at graduation, and always fighting for their fraternity to be ranked first.

A constant competition between the two, never-ending cycle that made Shane’s head hurt and his fists itching to punch something. 

“It’s the testosterone,” Rose would drily joke. 

Shane heard Ilya rattle off a perfect answer, a compliment following immediately. 

“You’re a genius Mr. Rozanov,” Shane sarcastically whispered, catching Hayden’s eyes. “A+ for you today.”

“A+ for eternity,” Hayden continued the joke. 

Rose threw a paper at Shane, hitting him directly on his face. 

Shane sometimes forgot that Ilya and Rose were foster siblings. 

He didn’t know much about Ilya joining the Landry family, much less of his life in Russia. Rose respected Ilya’s privacy, letting him give answers when anybody asked. The only conclusions Shane could draw was that Ilya had left his life behind and he was immensely protective of Rose. 

Shane didn’t know what to make of Ilya, their conversations now limited solely to hockey. He knew Kappa Tau under Ilya flourished, having been named president at the same time that Shane was. Not only with pledge numbers but philanthropic events were planned by the dozen and their public image had skyrocketed. 

He also knew that Kappa Tau’s parties were notorious and always shut down by campus police. 

Shane hated how envious he felt when he heard of them. Everything seemed to come so naturally to Ilya. 

The class crawled by, Shane having given up midway through. By the time they exited the lecture hall and stepped foot into the September muggy air, Shane finally felt more awake. 

“What are we doing for breakfast?” Hayden asked after bidding Rose goodbye. 

Shane rolled his eyes, “Buddy, I have another class in 20 minutes across campus. I’ll be lucky if I even make it in time.”

“Remind me again why you’re double majoring? Physics and Literature? Dude, you’re going to burn yourself out at this rate,” Hayden said, both falling into step. 

Shane chose to stay quiet, unsure of the answer himself. 

“Don’t forget,” Hayden told him as they parted ways, “Kappa Tau is hosting their first party tomorrow. We have to show face.”

It was a tradition among the fraternities in Boston University, that members would co-exist, socialize to welcome in the new year. Sigma Alpha’s first party was the following week and Shane was dreading it. There was still so much to do and he couldn’t disappoint, not when it was his first time at the helm. 

“See you tonight,” Shane bumped his fist. 

10 minutes later and Shane barely made it into his seat, his 19th Century Literature seminar the only class on his schedule he didn’t share with anybody he knew. 

A small part inside of Shane welcomed the time alone. 

With the amount of burdens he had, the undue stress Shane constantly put on himself, not having to play up for his friends felt like a relief. Being president came with a mask he had to put on, and Shane knew he played it well, the act. Hayden was the only person who saw it slip sometimes. The anxiety and panic attacks, the OCD plaguing his thoughts. 

Not what his brothers needed to see from their president. 

Nonetheless, the hour long seminar felt short to Shane. 

Rose caught him as he entered the student center, needing a second coffee before he trekked back to Greek Row. 

“How is it only the second full day of classes?” she groaned, sipping her latte. “I’ll never make it through the semester.”

“Rose,” Shane laughed. “You’re on your way to law school already kid. You can relax.” He ruffled her hair, laughing harder when she stuck her tongue out. “Are your Gamma Omega sisters going to Rozanov’s tomorrow?”

Rose nodded. “Yeah, they’re psyched about it. Apparently Ilya and Svetlana broke up so they all think they have a shot with my brother, it’s disgusting.” 

Shane’s eyes widened at that. “Woah, they called it quits?”

Everybody at school knew about Ilya and Svetlana. Their relationship started sometime last year, Shane remembered seeing her wear Ilya’s letters for the first time and the buzz it caused. 

“Apparently,” Rose repeated. “But you know how Ilya is. I’m surprised they made it this far. They practically renamed the Plan B pill as the Rozanov during his first year.”

“Ew Rose,” Shane complained. “Real classy.” 

“I’m just saying!” Rose exclaimed. “Svetlana is a saint for putting up with him. The notches on his bed post must be in the hundreds at this point. Boys and girls alike, lining up.” Rose shuddered, shaking her head.

Shane rolled his eyes. 

Ilya’s sexuality was not a point of discussion, and thankfully neither was his. They were both openly out—Ilya as bisexual and Shane as gay. 

It probably didn’t hurt that Shane and Ilya had brought Boston University two championships in hockey since they were freshmen. They were hoping to 3-peat this year, a feat never having been done before. 

“Can we stop talking about Rozanov’s sexual conquests,” Shane said. He interlocked his arm with hers, walking towards the exit doors. “Let’s talk about how you’re going to help me with my party next week.”

***

“I think I’m coming down with something,” Wyatt fake coughed. “Go on without me guys.” 

Shane could hear everybody yelling downstairs, calling Wyatt different names. 

He sighed and made his way to the stairs, the voices growing louder. 

The Sigma Alpha house was a 2 story, old Victorian style home. Brothers didn’t have to live there and some did in fact have an apartment off campus instead. But Shane had been there since he joined the frat, and he couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. There were bedrooms on both floors and most had roommates but one of the perk’s of being president meant Shane had his own room and bathroom. The kitchen and dining room were also downstairs while their gym and laundry room took up most of the basement. 

Shane had made it his mission to make this place feel like home, one that they could pride themselves in having. 

He wasn’t thrilled about going to Rozanov’s tonight either.

When he reached the final step, he saw the boys had congregated in the living room. Each had on floral prints and leis, because of course Ilya and Kappa Tau were hosting a “beach” party. 

Shane clapped, “Alright fuckers! Come on, and yes that means you too Wyatt, come on.”

Shane counted heads and was relieved they were all there. It would look bad on his part if he was lacking in numbers, tradition really did call for the frats to rally for each other. 

“Now remember,” Shane continued. “We all have to go and we’re all going to have a good time.” He looked at each face gathered around him, “And no fighting. I mean it, I don’t care how douchey and annoying the Kappa Alpha guys are. We show up for them and they show up for us.” 

Grumbles, arms crossed, feet shuffling. 

Shane sighed, “Promise me no fighting and I’ll make everybody my chocolate chip pancakes tomorrow morning.”

That got everybody in the mood. Happy shouts and smiles were passed around, Hayden even going so far as crossing his heart. 

“Of course Cap,” J.J. came and wrapped an around his shoulders. “Best behavior, scouts honor. We’ll bow to Rozanov and everything.” 

Shane just shook his head and herded everybody to the front door, “Let’s go, let’s go. It’s 20 feet away, and then we can get drunk and forget where we are.” 

Shane locked the door behind them, feeling proud as he watched his boys cross the street. They looked young and happy, not a care in the world. It was worth it to Shane, bearing the responsibilities, if it meant they would have the best 2 years of their lives while Shane was president.

He followed behind, and he made it to the end of his lawn when he realized how massive this party was going to be. 

Droves of students were milling on the road and sidewalk, girls in swimsuits and shorts, boys shirtless and in flip flops. The bass was pounding, being heard even from Shane’s side of the street. 

“Jesus fuck,” Hayden scoffed, coming back to stand next to Shane. “Rozanov can’t do anything in moderation can he?”

Shane shook his head, still walking forward. He had chosen something casual for the night but realized he might be in over his head. Should he have ditched the shirt? Pawned a lei from someone to get into the spirit?

“Relax man,” Hayden punched his shoulder lightly. “It’s Rozanov. I’m sure he’s already passed out drunk somewhere. Just go, wake him up, say hi and your job is done.”  

They finally made it to Kappa Tau’s front yard, Shane having to shoulder through the crowd to try and keep up with Hayden. 

Inside was even more chaotic. 

“There’s no way this isn’t a fire hazard,” Hayden yelled back to Shane, “this is fucking nuts.” 

The front foyer was packed with people and Shane could see the living room and kitchen were in similar situations. 

Shane gritted his teeth, hating how overstimulated he felt. There were just too many bodies. 

“I see Bood,” Hayden shouted. “Which means Rozanov is close by.” 

Shane nodded, and grabbed onto Hayden’s shoulder. The music was pounding, the lights turned off and the only source of brightness being strobe hues, flickering on and off. 

Shane could not imagine having to do this every weekend, until he graduated. 

You knew what you signed up for, his traitorous mind reminded him. 

“You guys made it,” Bood yelled, grinning at them madly. He had two cups in his hand, shirtless and some weird figures drawn on his chest. “Rozy will be thrilled!”

Shane forced a smile. “Where is he?”

Bood shrugged. “Think I saw him slink off with Lauren… or Matt. Who knows? My boy’s on the market now, he’s back on the prowl.”

Hayden rolled his eyes, “Don’t fucking say ‘prowl’, this isn’t the 90s Bood.”

“He’s been tied down for too long,” Boyd laughed, downing whatever was inside one of the cups. He threw it into the sink, which was brimming with empty beers cans and glass bottles. “No president should be anything but single.”

It took everything in Shane for him not to roll his eyes. “Which way did he go?”

Boyd pointed in the direction of the dining room, “He said he wanted to play beer pong. Should be there.” And then he turned around, having lost interest in Hayden and Shane. 

“I know you said no fighting,” Hayden leaned in to say, “but I feel like the Kappa Tau guys should be the exception.” 

Shane mouthed, ‘No’ before leaving himself. 

He nodded at a couple guys he recognized, shaking hands as he traipsed down the hallway. 

When he made it to the dining room, he saw him. 

Ilya Rozanov. 

Of course he was also shirtless and had on a snapback, the brim backwards. His curls were peeking through, the dim light reflecting off his blonde hair.

“Take that motherfuckers,” Ilya’s voice boomed. “Is not hard at all, drink, drink, drink.”

Girls shrieked in laughter as the Kappa Tau guys started shotgunning beers. Ilya grinned wickedly before joining in as well.

“Oh my god,” Shane muttered under his breath. How this man had a 4.0 GPA, Shane will never know. 

Shane took a deep breath in and squared his shoulders back, taking a step forward. 

“Hollander,” Ilya exclaimed. “Wow, look guys. Is Hollander.” Ilya was definitely buzzed, if not drunk. His words were slurring and his eyes seemed wilder the closer Shane got.

Shane recognized one of the Kappa Tau guys as Troy Barrett, a new player on their team. 

“Hey man,” Shane greeted Troy. Troy smiled and passed him a beer. 

“Mr. President,” Ilya continued. “You actually came.”

Shane held up the can, drinking and wincing at the acidic taste. “Of course I did, why wouldn’t I?”

Ilya leaned against the table, slightly jostling the red cups there. “Does not seem like your scene.”

“Rozanov,” Shane sighed. “You’ve literally seen me at parties before.”

Ilya grinned, “Ah. But not Kappa Tau parties.”

And that was true. In the past, Shane usually steered cleared of this house, not following the guys across the street. 

“What can I say? New year, new duties.” 

Ilya seemed to study him, and Shane had a weird feeling he might have… disappointed Ilya with what he found? Because he ultimately said, “Yes well. Okay, I saw you. You can leave now.” And turned his attention again to the game.

Shane felt anger spike in his stomach, at the dismissal. Even though this was exactly what he wanted, a quick and clean in and out, Ilya always seemed to make situations worse with his attitude. 

“What the fuck is your problem dude?”

“Ooooh,” calls rang around the room. 

Ilya looked at him over his shoulder. Again… there was something unreadable there. “Oh? You want to stay? Shane Hollander wants to play with me?” 

And there it was. The competition that always wormed its way inside whatever circumstances Ilya and Shane found themselves in. 

School, hockey, and now a match of beer pong. 

“Sure,” Shane bit out. “I’m already better than you on the rink. I can beat you here too.” 

“Oh shit,” Shane heard someone say but he was too focused to care. 

No fighting, Shane remembered his words to his brothers. 

Ha. 

Ilya gestured to the table and Shane decided it was too late to change his mind. Fuck it, he was doing this. 

20 minutes later and they were tied. They were both intensely focused on the cups in front of them, Ilya’s drunken state not barring him from sinking the white ball in almost all of Shane’s red cups. 

Shane was thankful he was able to keep up with him. 

Shane had just missed his attempt and stepped back, waiting for Ilya’s. 

Who of course makes it in. The beer sloshing slightly, as the white ball lands. Shane hates the way it tastes as he drinks, like a loss. Like failure.

“Redemption Hollander,” Ilya smirked, gesturing at his last cup. “Make this and you’re still in the game.”

“Shut the fuck up Rozanov,” Shane said through gritted teeth. He dipped his ball in water, trying to calm his nerves. 

Ilya laughed. “Should we make it interesting? Loser owes the winner a… favor.” 

Shane knew it was dumb, childish, but he still said, “Fine.”

Ilya then was the one who stepped back, holding his hands up. “Then by all means. Good luck.”

Shane could feel eyes everywhere, watching. But in that moment, it just felt like it was him and Ilya. Two boys, two presidents, fighting for… what? Bragging rights? Shane wasn’t sure, but it seemed important. 

He took a breath in and steadied himself, before aiming and letting the ball fly. 

It circled the rim before flying out. 

Groans and cheers rang out. 

Ilya crossed his arms. 

Shane hung his head, “What do you want Rozanov?”

When he didn’t answer, Shane peeked up. Ilya was still smiling.

“Eh,” he said, waving away Shane’s words with one of his hands. “Later. Not now. Now, too drunk to think. But I will find you.” He winked.

Yeah, Shane needed to go. 

He just nodded at Ilya, and walked away. 

Shane couldn’t find any of the Sigma Alpha boys when he made it back to the living room. The music was too loud to even hear himself think and he didn’t think it was possible, but the party seemed to have grown.

Shane breathed a huge sigh of relief when he made it outside. The cool Boston air felt amazing against his skin. 

“Shane.”

He saw Rose coming up the driveway, her sisters walking ahead of her. 

“You’re leaving?” 

Shane nodded, digging his hands inside of his pockets, “Yeah. I said hi. Showed my face.”

Before Rose could say anything though, a Russian voice broke through. 

“Rose. You’re late.”

Rose scrunched her nose. “Hello to you too big bro.” 

Now as Shane saw Ilya, it was like seeing another person entirely. His face was much more open, the usual smirk gone and replaced with a real smile. 

“Is Shane leaving early because of you?” Rose asked wearily. 

Ilya shook his head. “No. We had fun. Right Hollander? We played a game?”

Shane nodded. “Sure. Yeah.”

Rose seemed unconvinced but she left it at that. Which Shane took as his cue to leave. He gestured back to Sigma Alpha, “I’ll just—”

“Don’t be a stranger Hollander,” Ilya called out, the smirk back on his face, Rose having walked into the house. “See you next week.”

***

“Why was Rozy staring at you this morning?” Troy asks, the moment Shane sits down. 

“Um, hi hello how are you Troy? I’m doing well, thanks for asking,” Shane replies instead, setting his salad onto the table. 

Troy shoots him an unimpressed look. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Shane says truthfully. “Who was staring at me? Rozanov?” He settled into the chair, letting his backpack slip onto it. 

“Ignore him,” Hayden cuts in. “He thinks you two hooked up at their party.” 

Shane chokes on his water. “I’m sorry, what?” 

Troy studies his face, “You did! I fucking knew it, I’m about to cash in.” He whips out his phone, “Kappa Tau has this huge pot going, on whether Rozy has the balls to hook up with another frat brother. I knew he’d be a sucker for your freckles Hollander, he’s always had a thing for you.” 

“Stop!” Shane rushed to say, seeing Troy’s thumbs fly across his phone. He started panicking, “No! No! We did not fucking hook up, what the fuck Barrett?” 

Troy paused. “Do you promise?” 

“Yes! Yes I promise.” 

Troy buries his face in his hands, “Ugh, I was so close guys, the pot is up to like a grand.” 

“Let’s go back a second,” Hayden says. “A thing? Rozanov has a thing for my president?”

“This isn’t happening,” Shane declares, addressing the table and gesturing between them. “We’re not doing this.” 

Shane had stopped by the lunch hall between classes, hoping to destress from back to back lectures. He had seen Hayden, Troy, J.J., and Wyatt and thought he was in friendly territory. 

Obviously, he was wrong. 

Troy shrugs, blatantly ignoring Shane’s words. “Eh. He likes pretty boys. Hollander is a pretty boy.” 

The table erupts in laughter. “Don’t let Harris hear you calling Shane pretty, man,” Wyatt cackles. “He’ll murder all of us.” 

“You guys,” Shane whined, feeling his cheeks warm up. “Can we not?” 

Troy raised his hands up, “Hey! I don’t condone this stupid competition you two have going on. I think you’re alright Hollander.” 

“Thanks,” Shane snorts. 

“What’s he like,” J.J. asks, mixing his protein shake together. “Rozanov?” 

Troy sits back in his chair. “He’s cool man. He’s a good friend and an even better president. Always down for a fun time but knows when to reign us in. Has had to bail us out of shitty situations before and only makes us pay him back in more laps during practice.” 

“Wow,” Hayden remarks. “So Rozanov does have a heart?” 

Shane found that hard to believe. 

Troy laughs, “You catch glimpses here and there. If he does though, it’s the size of a walnut. Only big enough for Rose, hockey, and being president.” 

Shane hated himself for asking but, “And Svetlana? How was he with her?” 

He could feel Hayden’s eyes on him. 

But if Troy found the question weird, he didn’t say. “I wouldn’t know, he never brought her around.” 

“But she wore his letters,” Wyatt asked, confused. 

“If you’re asking me, I think he keeps things separate for a reason,” Troy responds. “Probably easier to move on, once it ends.” 

“Is it true though?” Wyatt pressed. “That once he ended things with Svetlana, he slept with a different person each night for 2 weeks?” 

Troy smirked, nodding. 

Wyatt whistled, “Say what you want about him but the dude has game.” 

Shane really, really wished he never sat down. 

“You didn’t feel Rozy stare at you?” Troy asks again. “Man had his eyes on you the entire lecture. I was surprised nobody called him out on his bullshit.” 

Shane shakes his head. “No dude, contrary to what people think, I don’t walk around with my head full of Rozanov.” 

Troy hums. “Just thought it was weird.”

“What time is Rose coming over?” Hayden asks Shane quietly as the others move on in their conversations. 

“7,” Shane tells him. “Try to wrap up with Jackie by then. We have to order shit by today if we want it to come in time.” 

It was Monday and their party was set for Saturday. They had ideas floating around but nothing permanent, nothing that Shane was sold on. Because Rose had been planning parties for her sorority for the past year and a half, Shane figured it was time to call in the big guns. 

“Aye aye cap,” Hayden salutes. “Count on me.” 

A couple of hours later found Rose, Hayden, and Shane sprawled on the couches of the Sigma Alpha house. 

“And this is good right?” Shane asked for tenth time, scrolling the websites offering decorations. “Casino night?”

“Yes Shane,” Rose repeated. “It’s perfect. With the added actual poker and blackjack tables? Oh it’ll be a fucking hit my guy.” 

Hayden threw the tennis ball in the air, in a good mood after seeing his girlfriend. “Don’t forget Hollander, the kegs need to be ordered by Friday. We all have guys who can deliver within 24 hours but after Friday, they’re sold out. It’d be a miracle to get one in.” 

Shane nodded, half-listening. “Wait the delivery date changed! Now it’s giving me next Monday.” 

“Dear god help me,” Rose groaned. “Choose express delivery Shane.” 

“Oh,” Shane said, smiling in embarrassment. “Right yes thank you.” 

By the time they had wrapped up, it was closer to midnight and Shane was beat. He bid Hayden good night and walked into his room, tearing his sweatshirt off. He neatly folded it before placing it into the hamper. When he checked his phone, he realized he had a missed call from his mother 20 minutes ago. 

“Did I wake you?” Shane asked sheepishly once the FaceTime call connected. 

“No sweetie of course not,” Yuna told him nicely. “Your father just fell asleep or else I would have him say good night as well. How have you been?” 

The next couple of minutes were spent like that, catching up with whatever new was going on. Shane appreciated his family taking the time to do so, even in unconventional moments just to stay connected. Growing up in Ottowa, it felt overbearing sometimes. Him being an only child caused his parents to really focus on him. But now, Shane would never take it for granted. He had a great childhood, his parents letting his love and talent for hockey thrive. They never pigeon holed him into one box though, allowing him time to find passion for other things. But hockey became his life quickly, and Yuna made it her mission to have him be ready for the MLH draft at the end of college. 

After exchanging ‘love yous,’ they hung up. 

Shane felt a tiny bit lighter when he fell asleep. 

By the end of the week, Shane felt ready for his first party as host. The decorations came in time and his brothers were excited about the theme. Outfits were bought, playlists curated, alcohol stores cleared out. 

So by Saturday… things should have been near completion. Finishing touches here and there, it should have mainly been waiting for the Boston sun to set to start the party. 

A simple comment at around 5 pm completely unraveled everything. 

“Hey buddy,” Hayden started, coming up to next stand next to Shane. He was coordinating the blackjack and poker tables out in the back yard, directing Wyatt and the pledges where best to put everything. “Um, where are the kegs?” 

Shane wasn’t really paying attention. “What did you say? No Wyatt, don’t let him pick that up himself! He’s going to throw his back out!”

“The kegs,” Hayden firmly repeated. “You ordered them right?” 

Shane’s stomach dropped as Hayden’s words registered. 

The fucking kegs. 

Shane almost fell over. 

His hand flew to his black hair, running through the strands anxiously. “Fuck! Fuck! I knew I forgot something!” 

This wasn’t happening. There was no way Shane forgot something as important as a keg for the first fraternity party he was calling his own. 

Hayden winced. “Oh buddy… okay we can make do without it. I’ll just make an extra batch of jungle juice or something.”  

“No,” Shane shook his head. “Nope. I’ll take care of it.” 

“Shane my man,” Hayden told him with pity in his eyes. “That’s impossible, you won’t find one this late. It’s fine, we’ll just improvise.” 

But Shane could feel his mind running a mile a second. Failure flashing in red lights inside his brain, thinking of everybody he’ll be letting down. 

“Dude—”

But Shane couldn’t hear him, making his way to the front yard and starting his frantic dialling. 

But Hayden had been right. No plug was available to make a delivery today. He had tried almost every president on campus—frats and sororities alike—to no luck. 

“Shit,” he muttered to himself, smacking his phone against his forehead. He knew he looked like a madman, just pacing back and forth on his sidewalk but he could care less. 

“Hollander,” a voice called out. 

There stood Ilya, in front of Kappa Tau. A cigarette dangling from his lip, smoke littering in front of his face. 

“You are stressed,” Shane heard Ilya say. 

“Yeah no shit,” Shane hollered back. 

Then to Shane’s surprise, Ilya made his way over. 

“I’m not in the fucking mood Rozanov,” Shane said. His contact list was up but he feared there were nobody else to call. “Go bother somebody else.” 

Ilya brought his cigarette back up, taking a drag. “What’s up? This is the most emotion I’ve seen on your face in years.” 

Shane didn’t answer which prompted Ilya to laugh. “Maybe I could help.” 

“Fat chance,” Shane muttered. 

But Ilya waited patiently. 

At this point, Shane really didn’t have anything left to lose. “I—fuck I forgot to order the kegs.” 

Ilya stared back, blinking. 

“You know,” Shane explained, thinking Ilya might have misheard him. “For my party tonight. The beer, I didn’t get it.” 

“I… do not understand. Why is that a big deal?” 

Shane scoffed. “Whatever man, just leave me alone.” He turned around but a hand stopped him, above his elbow and tough as light as can be. 

“No, explain to me. Why do you need it?” 

Shane only deemed it necessary to respond because he saw the genuine confusion on Ilya’s face. “It’s my first time hosting Rozanov. I wanted it to be perfect.” 

Ilya slightly tilted his head. “But nothing can be perfect Hollander, I do not understand.” 

Shane just rolled his eyes. “Whatever man.“ 

But Ilya flicked the butt of his cigarette to the ground, stamping it out. “No. I will help.” 

“Wha—”

“Shh,” Ilya cut him off, phone already pulled out and immediately scrolling to something. “It is rude to interrupt while I am trying to concentrate.” He brought the device up to his ear. 

“Rozanov what the fuck—” but Ilya shushed him again. 

He heard Ilya speaking in rapid Russian, but he couldn’t do anything but wait. 

Finally he hung up. “Done. It will be delivered in 30 minutes.” 

Shane’s head was spinning. “Dude what the fuck? I—why did you do that?” 

Ilya lit up another cigarette. “What? Help? Do Canadiens not say ‘thank you’?” 

“Thank you,” Shane repeated, dumbfounded. 

“You’re welcome,” Ilya smiled, shrugging. “Is nothing. I know I am the best.” 

Shane could feel he could slightly breathe. Was it that easy? Problem solved. 

He sighed, “Seriously Rozanov. I—I appreciate that.” 

Ilya’s nose wrinkled, so like how Rose would. “Do not make it weird.” 

And there it was. 

“Man fuck you,” Shane shoved his body. “I owe you two times now.” 

But Ilya shook his head. “No, no your loss last time is different. That is a wish you owe me. For this, you can just buy me a pack of cigarettes. Call it even.” 

“Smoking is bad for you,” Shane protested. 

But Ilya was already walking away. “I knew you cared about me Hollander. Don’t worry, Valentine’s Day is 5 months away. Do you prefer roses or chocolates?” 

“Asshole.” 

Shane could see Ilya’s body shake in laughter. 

“See you later?” Shane called out, just as Ilya made it to his side of the street. 

Ilya threw a smile over his shoulder. “Wouldn’t miss it.” 

When the clock struck midnight, Shane knew his party was a success. 

“Dude!” Hayden exclaimed, kissing him on the cheek. “We fucking did it, holy shit. I heard they’re calling the campus police.” 

“Bullshit.” Shane knew if a party was shut down, it was cause for celebration. Another party that would go down in history. 

“Nope,” Hayden knocked back another shot. “Heard it myself. I’d give us another hour before they get here.” 

Shane smiled, finally feeling that blanket of anxiety leave his chest. 

“Great party Hollander,” Cliff, Ilya’s best friend, told them. Hayden and Shane were in the kitchen, refilling drinks and Cliff was next in line. “Almost as good as ours.” 

“Where’s your fearless leader,” Hayden asked, handing over a red cup filled with god knows what. “Haven’t seen him in a while.” 

Ilya had made it just a little past 10, already drunk and girls hanging off of him. Shane tried to put him in the back of his mind, wanting to pay him no attention. It was hard though. Ilya was the center of every room he was put in, everybody wanted to gravitate towards him. 

“Check the corners,” Cliff shrugged. “Probably making out with somebody—yup! There he is. He has Crawford attached to his face.” 

Shane looked where Cliff pointed and sure enough, Will Crawford, tight end for their football team, had his back pressed against the wall. Ilya was boxing him in and they seemed to be attacking each other with their lips. 

“Ew,” Hayden shuddered. “I don’t get what people see in that asshole.” 

“Careful Pike,” Cliff laughed. “That’s my president.” And then was whisked away by Troy and Harris to the backyard, probably to play a hand. 

Shane looked over once more before willing himself to stop. It would be pointless for him to try and deny how hot Ilya was. Anybody with eyes could see how attractive the Russian hockey player was, charm and sex just oozing off his body. The first time Shane had seen him, in the locker rooms after their first practice as freshmen, Shane was interested. The body of a sculpture, all hard muscles and toned skin, of course he was. But then Ilya opened his mouth, and the semi Shane was sporting immediately went away. 

“He’s an asshole,” Shane agreed, fist bumping Hayden. 

And true to Hayden’s word, the party was shut down by 2 AM. 

Shane didn’t see when Ilya left but he hoped he got home safely. 

***

Unfortunately, political science was not the only class Shane and Ilya shared. That was a prerequisite, a lecture needed for credits and nothing more. 

But Ilya was a History major, which meant sometimes—rarely—do their schedules overlap. 

In the past, Shane at least had another friend he could sit with when he first saw Ilya walk through the doors. 

This semester though, it was just the two of them taking the lecture which crossed over film with pieces of work. Books, art pieces, music. Shane had thought it seemed fun, a nice distraction from the physics classes he was enrolled in. 

But now, when Ilya chose the seat alongside his, Shane was seriously doubting it. 

It was a week and a half after pledge week, September almost wrapped up. 

“Why are you sitting next to me?” Shane asked Ilya bewildered. “Did you hit your head?” 

Ilya instead chose to take out his notebook and pens, settling in. “Nice party by the way. Loved the beer. Whoever provided it is a smart man.”  

Shane rolled his eyes. “Please go away.”

“Why?” Ilya teased. “Scared to be this close to me?” 

Shane almost slammed his head on the desk. Ilya was too near, the lecture hall being filled with single seaters. Which meant Shane only had to slightly move and his arm would brush up against Ilya’s. Shane could already smell Ilya’s cologne—musky mixed with something sweet—and his aftershave. 

Yes, Ilya was extremely too close. 

“We’re going to end up physically fighting Rozanov, are you crazy?” Shane gritted out. “Please move away from me.” 

But Ilya never had a chance to respond, the professor choosing that moment to walk in. 

The first half was fine, both just diligently listening and writing. But towards the end, their professor came up with the bright idea of “projects in pairs.” 

No fucking way. 

“Just turn to the person next to you, exchange numbers and emails. Acquaint yourselves with one another. I’ll send out notes to know what to expect for Thursday, we’ll go full steam ahead then.” 

“Well, well, well,” Ilya drawled.

“We can switch,” Shane immediately said. “Find somebody else, no hard feelings.” 

Ilya just gave him another one of his signature blank stares. 

“Phone Hollander,” he smiled. “You have one da? Or are you too boring to communicate with us?” 

You can’t punch him in the middle of class, you’ll get suspended and the season starts in 7 weeks. You can’t punch him in the middle of class, you’ll get suspended and the season starts in 7 weeks.

So when Shane walked out, there was a hole burning in his pocket in the form of Ilya Rozanov’s phone number. 

Honestly, Shane had forgotten all about it by the time he made it back to Greek Row. His Theory of Physics professor reminded their class their essays were due by the end of the weekend and Shane had probably only gotten through half of the required readings so far. 

“You look tired buddy,” Hayden remarked a while later, coming into their kitchen. He went to the fridge and pulled out a water. “It’s 10, call it a night.” 

But Shane had his papers sprawled out in front of him, too deep in the zone to even respond. Hayden just patted his back and left. 

1 hour turned to 2, and sure enough it was almost 1 in the morning. 

“Shit,” Shane hissed, rubbing his eyes. He felt a throbbing pain there, from the lack of sleep and dehydration. He had went through 2 Red Bulls, urging his body to keep going. 

He packed his things up quietly, conscious of his sleeping brothers. He made sure the kitchen was cleaned, left tidy and spotless. When he finally reached his bathroom upstairs, Shane was dead on his feet. But he couldn’t fall call it a night without showering, doing his skin care, and brushing his teeth. He tried to speed run through all 3, knowing his alarms were set and sleep would be at a minimum. 

His body felt like it was laden down by bricks, slow and drowsy. Shane wearily climbed into his bed, turning off his light on the nightstand. Except his mind would not shut off, already racing about the things he had yet to complete and replaying mindless conversations from the day prior. 

Shane was aware of the slow booming anxiety crawling through his body, ready to erupt any moment now. 

In and out, he reminded himself, trying to slow his breathing. Just in and out.

A buzzing broke through his thoughts. 

Shane’s eyes flew open, not believing it at first. 

Who was calling him at this time? 

He pushed himself back up, against his pillows. He blindly reached for the device in the dark. It took a few moments for his vision to adjust to the screen’s brightness. 

But there, in clear letters: Ilya Rozanov. 

“What the fuck,” Shane hissed. He was unsure if he should answer, but the thought of it being an emergency spurned his choice to press the green button. 

“Hello,” Shane greeted, sighing. There goes sleeping. 

“Hollander,” Ilya’s voice could be heard, his timber slow and deep. “You’re awake.” 

“I’m going to kill you.” 

Ilya laughed at that, and Shane could also hear the drag of what he assumed was a cigarette. “And for what this time?” 

“Rozanov, it’s almost 1:30 in the fucking morning. Unless the Kappa Tau house is burning, there’s absolutely no reason why we should be on the phone right now.” 

“Ah, ah, ah,” Ilya tutted. “Is this not our homework? Talking to our partners?” 

“You’re dead Rozanov.” 

Shane however, hated that… he didn’t hate this. Ilya’s voice, which Shane would never ever repeat, was nice to listen to. It seemed to have a calming effect on him, allowing him to sink back against his mattress. 

“What are you wearing right now?” 

“I’m hanging up,” Shane warned. 

“No, no okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was dealing with a cranky Hollander.” Ilya hummed, 

“Why are you awake?”  

Shane quietly said, “I’ve been studying.” 

“Now? At this hour?” 

Shane nodded into his pillow, “Yeah. It’s quiet during this time of night. Nobody is awake, nobody can bother me. It’s nice.” 

“You like to be by yourself Hollander,” Ilya mused. “I have noticed.” 

Shane laughed silently. “Yeah right man. Sigma Alpha doesn’t necessarily allow me to have preferences.” 

“Tell me about your day,” Ilya switched topics. 

“No.”

Shane thought that would be the end of that but instead he heard Ilya say, “Okay. I will tell you about mine.” 

And never in Shane’s wildest dreams would he have imagined himself in this position. Listening to Ilya Rozanov prattle on about his fucking day. He pinched his thigh, half believing he was dreaming right now. 

But Ilya did the strangest thing. After every key moment he described to Shane about the past 24 hours, he followed up with a question.  

Ilya’s breakfast turned to asking Shane what he had. 

Ilya’s coffee order turned to asking Shane what his was. 

Ilya’s classes turned to asking Shane what his schedule looked like. 

Ilya’s friends turned to asking Shane who he preferred as his wingman, Hayden or J.J.

Ilya having dinner with Rose turned to asking Shane how he first met her. 

And probably what was even more puzzling was that Shane was answering. 

In fact… he was enjoying himself. 

Ilya had always been an enigma to him. Having decided early on there was no chance in hell the two would be friends, they existed in the outskirts of each others orbits. Friend of a friend of a friend. During practices and matches, all conversations centered around hockey which meant safer topics. 

But this… this felt like Shane was peeling back his first layer. Barely scratching the surface but Shane just disliked how it made him feel. More intrigued… curious to see what else Ilya was hiding. 

Shane eventually yawned, not believing how quickly he had grown sleepy. 

Tired was one thing, Shane was always tired. 

But feeling sleepy? Drowsy enough to pass out? That took Shane hours to accomplish. 

Listening to Ilya speak however, and the lighthearted nature of his words… had Shane’s brain shut down. Lights were off in Shane’s head and the outside world, the mindless noises  that usually plagued him… were gone. 

“As fun as this was Ilya,” Shane slurred, his mind not even registering fully what he was saying. “I have to go. I’m about to pass out” 

Ilya took another drag. “Sleep well Hollander.” 

“Bye-bye,” Shane whispered, barely remembering to hang up. 

It was the deepest slumber Shane had gotten in a while.

*** 

Two days later, Shane found himself at the public library, going through the planning for two fundraisers and his flash cards for his Classical Mechanics class. 

Shane normally reserved his visits here for times when he needed to be totally alone. Boston University had a beautiful library but Shane always went in prepared for it be social hour 101. Which he normally didn’t mind but with the chaotic week he had, he needed a breather. A chance to just settle down and lock in for the next few hours. 

He got up to stretch, having arrived already hours prior. But this was what his body—his brain—needed. The feeling of accomplishment, of crossing another thing off his list  Shane checked his phone and saw he had a text from Hayden asking where he was. He had yet to tell his friends where he disappeared to, because he knew them. They would be constantly hounding him here, popping in with water and snacks and caffeine. 

So he chose not to respond and instead popped his earbud back in. As he opened another tab on his laptop, about to switch to watching lectures and giving his flash cards a break, Shane noticed a group of kids racing to the side of the library. 

“Don’t run,” a librarian scolded, following closely behind. “He won’t start without you all there.” 

“Um excuse me,” Shane asked her assistant, walking at a slower pace with a fond smile on her face. “What’s happening?”

“The kids’ favorite adult is reading to them today. It’s always a hit when he’s here.”

Shane simply nodded and went back to his studying. But then 5 minutes later, peals of laughter rang out. They were genuine and happy and Shane couldn’t help himself but smile too. 

It went on for a while until Shane’s curiosity got the better of him. He walked over to the children’s nook, a bay window that had bean bag chairs and blankets positioned all around. 

Shane kept walking until he heard the older male voice… causing him to stop cold in his tracks. 

He recognized that voice. 

He knew that voice. 

“No fucking way,” Shane breathed out in disbelief. 

But yeah, Shane rounded the corner, and there he was. Perched on the wooden sill, holding out a giant, colorful book. The kids were enraptured by him, eyes wide open and the smiles permanently etched on their faces. 

Ilya was dressed in sweat and a Boston University hoodie, as he gave each character a different accent. 

They had spoken briefly over the phone last night. Ilya had called him close to midnight to ask him if they had milk at the Sigma Alpha house. When Shane answered with a confused ‘yes,’ Ilya just told him ‘good’ and moved the conversation along. And this time when Ilya asked him to describe his day… Shane did it. 

Sleep had come just as easily as it did that night as it did before. 

Shane didn’t know what to do this new found… friendship? He hadn’t told anybody about it, not even Hayden. But more so because he didn’t even know what it was. It all felt very much like small talk, like Ilya just wanted to pass the time with Shane. 

Which was just weird. And frustrating. Shane didn’t know what Ilya wanted, what he was getting out of this. Shane knew he wasn’t the most interesting and Ilya could have any person on the line, ready to do whatever the Russian man said. 

Shane didn’t realize how long he had spent there, just staring at Ilya doing his job. He felt fondness creeping over his chest, at how Ilya interacted with the children and teased them. From where Shane was standing, he could easily see how much they loved the older man. When he noticed that things were starting to wrap up, he scuttled back to his table.

Except later that night, when Ilya inevitably called, Shane was ready. 

“So Hollander, how was your day?”

“I saw you Rozanov,” Shane said quietly. He burrowed himself deeper into his comforter, readjusting his phone in his hand. “At the library.”

“Oh?"

“Yeah. The kids—they love you man.” 

“Well do not act so surprised,” Ilya replied. “Some people do like my company Hollander.” 

“Can I ask,” Shane started, thankful Ilya was not in the room with him as he would not have had the courage to continue. “Why are you doing that?”

Shane heard a flicker and the faint sound of something burning. Ilya took a drag, “Why do you want to know?”

Shane couldn’t give him an answer. He didn’t know why. Maybe it went back to that feeling he had, of wanting to peel off the layers Ilya carried with him. 

Thankfully, Ilya gave him a break. “My mother. She was a librarian.”

Shane felt his stomach swoop. Holy shit, he didn’t expect that answer. Ilya never, ever spoke about his family—apart from the Landrys. He never spoke about Russia. 

“That’s sweet Rozanov,” Shane responded earnestly. He still kept his voice down, afraid of spooking Ilya. He took a leap of faith and asked, “Is she back in Russia?”

Another drag. Shane felt every second pass by in agony, thinking he overstepped when Ilya didn’t respond. 

“She’s dead.”

Shane regretted every decision in his life that led to him being here, right in this moment. This is why his parents always chastised him growing up, he just had too many questions. 

“Rozanov. I—I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have asked, if I knew or—”

“Is fine. I mean, it is not fine but well. You did not know,” Ilya easily cut him off. “Relax Hollander. I can hear you freaking out from here.” 

Shane didn’t know how to unpack this. Ilya walked around like he had no worries in the world. He was magnetic, everybody flocking to him to try and feed off of his carefree attitude. Shane would have never thought, under all that, he carried something deeper and sadder inside of him. 

“I am serious Hollander,” Ilya warned. “If you treat me like pitiful little boy, I will give you a black eye.”

“Fuck off,” Shane finally said, laughing quickly. “I can take you.”

Ilya just hummed. 

The momentary silence that followed… wasn’t stifling nor awkward. In fact, it was nice. Shane welcomed it. It was like Ilya knew he needed a moment to reset, to restart, and he was giving it to Shane. 

“I met you 3 years ago Rozanov,” Shane told him. “I just—I never knew.”

“You never asked.”

And Shane thought that was fair, the dig. He had written Ilya off a long time ago. Recognizing how attractive he was but not needing another asshole in his life. Shane realized he might have been wrong, even if Ilya was still a jerk… it seemed as if there might be more to learn about him. 

“Can you tell me about her?”

When Ilya didn’t respond right away, Shane cursed himself again. “I mean—shit Rozanov sorry. You don’t have to. We can just hang up—”

“She was the first one who noticed how serious I was about hockey. She took me to all of my practices growing up, saving her wages to buy me my gear and skates.”

“What was her name?”

“Irina,” Ilya whispered. 

“That’s pretty,” Shane whispered back. 

Another moment of silence. 

“Do you have any siblings?”

“One. Alexei.” Shane realized how short and clipped Ilya’s voice now sounded, a complete opposite of how it was when he spoke about his mother. 

“Tell me more about growing up with your mother.”

And to Shane’s complete and utter shock, Ilya did. Which turned to Ilya asking Shane about his childhood. 

He didn’t realize how late it was until he checked the time. “Holy shit Rozanov, it’s almost 3 AM. We have our lecture at 8.”

Ilya laughed. “Go to sleep Hollander. I will see you tomorrow.”

After hanging up, Shane’s mind remained on. He didn’t know how to explain it, how easy it was to talk to Ilya. He didn’t know why he felt so curious about him. Maybe because underneath the asshole, hot persona Ilya donned… an actual human being lived. 

To say Shane was exhausted the next morning was an understatement. 

“Dude,” Hayden whistled once Shane made it to the lecture hall. “You look like shit.”

“Thanks man,” Shane sarcastically said, fist bumping J.J. and smiling at Rose. “I appreciate it. Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend.”

Hayden rolled his eyes but made room for Shane to sit next to him. 

Right before class started though, to Shane’s bewilderment, Ilya, Cliff, and Harris walked in and sat right in front of them. 

“What the fuck,” Hayden muttered. 

Shane just shrugged, willing himself not to react to Ilya’s close proximity. It’s fine, he reminded himself. He’s shared countless spaces with Ilya. 

But he knew why this time felt different. 

Their conversations from the night prior still was fresh in Shane’s mind, taking hold of any of his common sense. Ilya, in the morning light, seemed like a new person. 

Which was fucking crazy. He was still the same Kappa Tau president that got underneath Shane’s skin. Dressed the same, Shane made note of the hat Ilya was wearing backwards, and speaking the same. No way was Shane going to allow his thoughts to go there. 

Towards the end of the hour, Shane groaned. He had been too busy writing his discussion boards for his Quantum Mechanics class, he had missed the powerpoint slides. 

“Dude,” Shane pouted and turned to Hayden. “Can you send me your notes?”

Hayden snorted and moved his laptop so Shane can see. His word document was an essay he was writing. Shane glanced at J.J. who was sleeping and Rose’s screen showed an Excel spreadsheet of Gamma Omega’s financials. 

“Some friends I have,” Shane grumbled. “When I fail and drop out of school, it’ll be on your conscience.” 

Except 2 minutes later, Shane’s laptop notified him he had a new email. He opened the application.

Ilya Rozanov. 

Shane’s eyes snapped to the back of Ilya’s head but he didn’t turn around. 

When Shane clicked on the email, the subject line read: Don’t Mention This. A word document was attached and once opened, Shane couldn’t believe it.

It was the notes for the day, all neatly typed. 

The message on the email just said: Seriously Hollander. Don’t mention this. 

Shane suppressed a smile. And he hated how his heart fluttered. 

What the fuck? 

No. Shane had to remind himself, He’s Ilya Rozanov. Stop it Hollander. Pull yourself together.

Shane just wrapped everything up in that he was so tired and he couldn’t think straight. Not that hot, smart Ilya was being nice to him and that made his heart race. 

No. Absolutely not. 

When the professor finally let them go, Shane couldn’t pack up fast enough. His friends made their way to the exit, allowing him to work alone.

“Hollander,” Ilya said. Shane’s head snapped up. Ilya was standing there alone as well. Shane could see Cliff and Harris speaking to Hayden and J.J.

“Rozanov,” Shane cleared his throat, not liking how soft his voice almost went. 

Ilya tilted his head slightly. “Would you like to get coffee with me? You look tired. Long night?”

“Asshole,” Shane scoffed, zipping up his backpack. “Yeah, I couldn’t sleep well. I dreamt about this annoying jerk and his stupid accent. I woke up with a raging headache.”

Ilya leaned in, hands perched on the back of the desk chairs. “You dreamt about me?”

“Fuck off,” Shane shoved him. “I can’t get coffee. I’m busy.” And he left it at that. 

Again, Shane could see something pass over Ilya’s face. But it was gone too quickly, leaving him unable to decipher what was there. 

“No worries,” Ilya gave him a strained smile. “Maybe next time.”

“Hi Ilya,” a voice interrupted them. A blonde girl stood in the aisle, toying with the textbooks in her hands. Lauren something, Shane thought. One of Rose’s sisters. 

“Hello Lauren,” and Shane didn’t have to look at Ilya to know that cocky smirk was back on his face. “Good morning.”

Lauren something giggled, and a feeling spiked in Shane’s stomach. He willed it down. 

“I—I was on my way to get coffee and I overheard you mention it. I can go with you if you’d like.”

Shane gritted his teeth, admiring Lauren something’s bravery. 

“It would be my pleasure Lauren,” and this time Shane looked up in time to catch the wink Ilya threw at her. “I can carry that for you.”

And Shane just stood there, watching them leave. Lauren threw her head back at something Ilya said. Ilya walked ahead and held the door open for Lauren and even from where Shane still was, he could see the blush on her pretty face. Ilya didn’t look back at him once. 

“You’re in a bad mood,” J.J. remarked once they were back in the quad. “Everything alright Cap?”

“I’m fine,” Shane muttered. And maybe if he repeated it enough time, it would stick. 

***

The following week welcomed October and a whole new social calendar. The fraternities were expected to host the afterparties for the football games, and the school was buzzing with excitement. 

This Saturday it was Sigma Alpha’s turn. Seeing how this was just a regular party, the stress slightly escaped Shane’s mind.

Shane kept replaying that moment between Ilya and Lauren in his mind. He didn’t know why but he couldn’t stand how it made him feel. He tried and tried to quash it, expel it from his memories. 

It probably helped that Ilya called him every night. And he answered. Not caring the time or what he was doing. Shane always answered. 

Shane felt comfortable enough now to call them friends. Their phone calls consisted of telling each other funny stories, memories, anecdotes. Shane heard of how it was for Ilya spending his high school years with Rose and in turn, Shane shared his own tales. 

Ilya, as Shane knew already, was actually really funny. He knew when to keep things light and he knew when Shane was ready to answer more serious questions. 

It was weird. How easy it turned out to be, opening up to one another. There were only two things that remained off limits however. Ilya’s life back home and why he moved here. 

Shane didn’t mind though, not when Ilya was such an open-book about everything else. 

There was one time when Shane hung up on him because he went into too much detail about his first time with a boy. 

Ilya immediately called him back, laughing.

“It’s not funny Rozanov,” Shane complained. “I don’t want to think about you that way. Ugh.”

“Do you not?” Ilya teased between giggles. “I am sorry, I was mistaken.”

Shane could never be truthful with himself, not about the budding… crush he seemed to be growing for Ilya. No, that would never ever be mentioned. 

It also helped that they never really could hang out, outside of parties. Shane had kept… whatever he and Ilya were doing, a secret from Sigma Alpha. And Shane knew Ilya was doing the same. 

“You’ve never been this excited to host,” Hayden remarked. Their party was just getting started. It was 10 pm and groups of people kept entering the Sigma Alpha house. Shane willed himself not to stare at the doors, as if he could manifest a certain somebody’s presence. 

No, Shane was not that desperate. 

“Come on, let’s get you a drink buddy. You’re too sober,” Shane sarcastically said, shoving Hayden into the kitchen. 

The music was blasting something with a heavy bass to it, bodies moving to the rhythm. The lights were off and Hayden had gotten some cool LED lights, different colors illuminating the living room. Laughters, shrieks, and chatter flowed and Shane knew everybody was having a good time. 

Two, three shots later and Shane was halfway to a buzz. Hayden had slipped away from him, finding Jackie and her sorority sisters to parade around. Shane was off to the side, hanging out with some of his teammates. 

“Hey dude,” Troy greeted him, trying to be heard over the music. “You look hot.” Harris rolled his eyes next to him. 

“Your boyfriend is going to kill me in my sleep Barrett,” Shane responded. “Stop talking.” 

“He’s right,” Harris laughed. “For what it’s worth. The shirtless look works for you. Have you been working out?”

“They’re propositioning you for a threesome Hollander!” Cliff bent over laughing. 

And then… in the middle of it all… he saw Ilya. 

Anger filled his gut. Followed by jealousy. 

Ilya was in the middle of the dance floor, his chest attached to Lauren something’s back. He was wearing a blank tank top, his hat backwards over his curls. Lauren was grinding back onto Ilya and Ilya, from what Shane could see, was kissing up her neck. 

“Dude, he’s going to hear it from Svetlana,” Cliff’s voice broke through Shane’s messy thoughts. “She said she was going to be here.” 

“Nah man,” Troy said. “Rozy is single. Let him live.” 

Shane mumbled something, a half-assed excuse, and went back to the kitchen. 

“What do you want?” Rose asked him sweetly. She gestured to the vodka, tequila, whiskey bottles littering the island. 

Your brother.

Shane swallowed the words and instead chose to say, “Anything. Whatever’s strongest.”

An hour later, Shane was officially drunk. Everything around him was vivid, he was barely able to keep up with the tempo of the party. But he was having fun, and his mind was anywhere but on Ilya. 

Shane stumbled back into the living room. The scene now had reached a new peak, crossing from party to rager. And his eyes immediately landed on Ilya. He was now in some corner, making out with Lauren something. 

But as if conjured by his thoughts, the pair broke apart. Lauren gestured somewhere over her shoulder to Ilya, likely the restroom, because Ilya nodded and stayed put. 

While Lauren something left alone. 

His mind couldn’t keep up with his legs. Next thing Shane knew, he was crossing the room towards Ilya. 

Shane tapped Ilya on the shoulder and the look that Ilya gave him when he saw him… did something entirely to Shane’s body. 

“Hollander,” Ilya said, his eyes roaming across Shane’s naked chest, down, and back up to his eyes. 

Shane did the bravest thing then, “Dance with me.”

Actual shock splashed on Ilya’s face. “Here?”

Shane shook his head and grabbed Ilya by the hand, leading him to the small room next to staircase. It normally acted as a closet, where Shane and his brothers could store their winter jackets. Here, they could still see the main party but it was more secluded. 

They stood facing each other, Ilya’s smirk coming back. “How do you want to dance?”

Shane breathed out, hesitantly. “Like—like how you were dancing with her.” 

And in a flash, Ilya had them in the same position. Shane could feel Ilya’s hard chest against his bare back, his massive hands wrapping themselves against Shane’s ribs. 

“This?” Ilya whispered sultry, lips barely grazing Shane’s ears. “You want it this way?”

Shane nodded, the playlist changing songs, and the lights bouncing off their bodies. Shane could hear everybody singing along. He moved Ilya’s hands down, to his hips, and squeezed. 

Ilya growled and started rocking his hips forward. “Move sweetheart.” 

Shane let the alcohol keep him fearless and he rocked backwards. He bit back a groan when he felt Ilya was hard, knowing he was halfway there himself. 

Ilya pressed kisses up and down the side of Shane’s throat and Shane threw his head back, baring more of his skin. One of his hands flew up to Ilya’s head, lightly forcing his lips where he needed them. Ilya took the hint and started sucking at the juncture between Shane’s neck and shoulder, teeth applying pressure. 

Shane changed their positions and backed up against the wall, grabbing Ilya’s shirt and making him follow. 

Ilya groaned. “Sweetheart, we need to stop unless you want me to take you upstairs and fuck you.” His thigh slotted itself in-between Shane’s legs, right against his dick. Shane moaned and started grinding against it. 

He looked up at Ilya, widening his eyes and pouting. “Don’t sound so disappointed. I can take you.” His hand traveled from Ilya’s tank down to where his dick was clothed over his jeans. “All of you.” 

“Fuck Hollander,” Ilya snarled, coming closer into Shane’s space. Their lips were now lightly touching, “You have 5 seconds to push me away.”

Shane was about to say fuck it and storm up the staircase with Ilya when a noise interrupted them. 

“Ow, fuck.”

Hayden’s voice doused ice onto Shane, and he was quick to shove Ilya off of him. 

“Hay?” Shane asked, walking out and towards where he heard Hayden. “Are you okay?”

Hayden whirled around. “Shane, you have to help me.” Hayden sulked and grabbed the side of his head, “I’m too drunk. I need to throw up.” And then his eyes went over Shane’s shoulder. “Rozanov, what do you want? ” 

Shane saw the emotions that were there previously, were now completely off of Ilya’s face. “You are going to take your president away from the party? How selfish.”

“Oh fuck you man, he’s my best friend—”

“Okay!” Shane placated, “Okay come on guys. Hay, go upstairs, I’ll be right there.” 

Hayden threw another glare at Ilya before leaving. 

“Well,” Ilya mirthlessly laughed. “Do not worry about me Hollander. It is not like we weren’t in the middle of something.” 

Shane sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I—call me later?” 

Ilya crossed his arms, a look of disbelief on his face. 

And Shane pulled out his pout again, remembering how easy Ilya was for it just 5 minutes prior.

“Fine,” Ilya grunted. “I hope Pike spends his entire night with his head over the toilet.” 

“Asshole,” Shane laughed.

***

And Ilya did call him that night. And every night following, for the next 2 weeks. 

But they never talked about it, what they did and what they almost did.

Shane figured it was for the best, he barely knew what it meant. He liked what he did with Ilya, obviously. But the other things, the feelings and emotions that were plaguing his mind, that he could do without. 

There was absolutely no way Shane could deny his crush on Ilya at this point. He was sure it was obvious to anybody paying attention. But… this was Ilya. Rozanov. The man who just got out of a long term relationship and spent every waking moment with his tongue down somebody else’s mouth to make up for it. 

As much as he was attracted to Ilya, he wasn’t sure about a lot of things. If he could survive going down that road with Ilya, one where he would have to get his feelings involved. And also… the biggest obstacle… what would Ilya possibly want with him?

No president should be anything but single.

Shane remembered Cliff’s words, all those weeks ago at the beginning of the semester. Ilya just needed to burn through his sexual energy, and most likely thought Shane was the easiest distraction. 

No, Shane had concluded. It was too messy, too chaotic to try and piece through everything. If Ilya wanted to pretend nothing ever happened, then by all means, Shane would go along with it. Happily. They were just crossing into friends territory, and Shane would be the best fucking friend Ilya had.

Or… so he tried to convince himself each time he spoke to Ilya. 

“What are we doing here again?” Shane asked, getting out of the drivers seat and following Rose into the animal shelter. 

“I want a cat for the sorority house,” Rose reminded him. “It’s time for all of us to become mothers. Plus, I know someone who works here and he promised they had the cutest kittens.” She winked at him.

Shane covered up his laugh, “Okay Rose. Sure.” 

They entered the building and were greeted by a receptionist. After waiting for their escort, they were shown a play room. 

“You can stay here and we’ll bring out the kittens. We usually like to give our potential parents about 10 minutes with each one, but if you like one specifically, we can keep them out here longer. Any kids in the home we should know about?”

Shane blushed as Rose stuttered over, “Oh, we’re not—nope, not together. It will just be me and there aren’t any kids.”

“You were too quick to correct him Rose,” Shane acted hurt. “What, you don’t think we could be together.”

“Oh shut up,” Rose shoved him. “If you don’t remember, I  asked you out and you turned me down.”

“Sorry Landry, you’re part of the wrong team.” 

Shane decided to leave Rose to it and wondered through the kennels. There were dozens of animals, dogs and cats alike, and it tugged at his heart. He wished he could give them all homes, places to run free and sleep soundly. 

And then, Shane saw her. A white pitbull, sleeping against the wall with a toy in her mouth. 

“Oh baby,” Shane breathed out, coming to kneel next to her space. “You’re just the most precious thing ever.” 

She lifted her head slightly and perked up when she noticed somebody was visiting. She wagged her tail excitedly and pushed her head against the thin bars. Shane was all too eager to indulge her in rubs and pats.

“She likes you,” a voice broke up the moment. 

Shane looked up and saw an employee standing there. “Sorry,” he added. “I didn’t mean to scare you, I just—her name is Joey.”

Shane resumed his petting, “Joey, you’re such a good girl. Such a sweet, cute girl.” Realizing he was coming off as rude, he smiled at the other man. “I’m Shane.”

“Will. Are you interested in adopting?”

“No,” Shane shook his head. “Just here with a friend. She’s in the playroom.”

Shane found out Will also went to Boston University, majoring in Biology. “I want to be a vet y’know, try and help as much as I can.”

Shane grinned, “That sounds amazing dude.” 

Their conversation was nice, the standard icebreaker questions sprinkled in throughout Shane’s own questions about Joey. 

“I—my shift is almost done,” Will finally said, once they were walking back to meet Rose. “Do you want to get a bite to eat?

Oh. 

Shane knew how he looked. He also knew he was the president of one of the biggest fraternities at school and captain of a very successful hockey team. But… every time someone asked him out, he was reverted back to his clumsy, awkward younger self. 

“Um,” Shane rubbed the back of his neck. “I—”

“Hollander?”

Shane froze. No. No way.

But when Shane turned around, there he was. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Shane asked, jaw dropped. 

Ilya smiled, “Our internship class. I’m spending it here.” 

Shane knew about the class they were all taking remotely. Boston University wanted to make sure their students graduated not only with a grasp of what happens inside of a classroom but also outside. They were required to complete an internship, somewhere, anywhere. Shane had chosen the children’s hospital last semester and knew Hayden had volunteered at a camp over the summer. 

“You two know each other?” Will interjected. 

Ilya’s smile dropped. “Da. We… we play hockey together.”

Shane rolled his eyes, recognizing the douchebag moves Ilya was pulling right now. He was practically screaming at Will to fuck off. 

But Will, not picking up on any of the signs, just nodded. “Cool. So, about that bite to eat?”

Well. Now what Ilya was here, denying Will was going to be infinitely more awkward. But Shane didn’t even get a chance to speak. 

“No,” Ilya interjected. “He is busy.”

Will blinked, “I’m sorry?”

“Busy,” Ilya enunciated the word. “We are getting dinner.”

Will finally understood what was happening, judging by the flicker of recognition in his eyes. “You two—ah got it. Sorry about that man, didn’t know he was—yeah. See you Shane.” And then promptly turned around and left. 

“Rozanov,” Shane groaned. “Stop scaring people Jesus Christ.”

Ilya rolled his eyes. “He is annoying. Come, let’s go find Rose.” 

Shane gave Joey a final pat and promised to return.

Rose was just stepping back into the reception area when they caught up to her. “There you are! I’ve been asking for you like an ex-girlfriend possessed.” Rose scoffed, “By the way, I just had all your woman coworkers ask me for your number. Gross.”

Ilya smiled. “You’re still my number one girl, little sister.” Rose swatted his arm but matched his smile. “Did you find your animal?”

“I have it narrowed down to 2,” Rose grumbled. “I need Elena’s and Jennie’s help. We’ll come back tomorrow. Where did you run off to?” 

Shane couldn’t stop himself and launched into describing Joey. 

“She’s perfect Rose,” he exclaimed. “The cutest being on this planet.”

Rose laughed, “It almost sounds like you have a crush on her Hollander. I’m jealous.” 

Shane stomped his foot, “I’m serious. We have to find her a home.” 

“Well are you ready to go? Wait, what were you guys doing together?”

Shane froze in his tracks. “Oh we—we just bumped into each other.” 

Rose just nodded. But before she could say anything, her phone went off. 

“Hello—I can barely hear you Olivia. Tell the girls to stop screaming at me, I can’t understand you all at once. Wait. What?” She paused, letting whoever was on the other line continue talking. Then she gasped, “You’re lying! Okay fuck. Just keep her calm, yes yes I’m on my way home. I’ll grab tests but we have to take her to Planned Parenthood, there’s one right by school.” 

She hung up and rubbed her temples. “Devon thinks she’s pregnant and terrorizing our house.” She pointed her fingers at the two of them, “Don’t you dare spread that around. Fuck, I have to stop by the pharmacy.” 

She clasped her hands together, “Please, please can I steal your car Shane?”

“Of course Rose here,” he immediately said, giving her his keys. 

“Shit, I feel bad. I’m leaving you stranded.”

“No,” Ilya said. “I will take him home.” 

But before Rose could answer, she scanned their faces. And… something must have dawned on her because she squinted her eyes. 

“Right. Thanks big bro.” 

Shane couldn’t afford to freak out over what he saw on her expression, not when Ilya nodded in the direction of his car. 

And opened the door for him. 

Shane settled inside of the passenger seat, putting on his seatbelt. 

“Where are we going?” he asked Ilya once the other settled behind the wheel. 

“There is a good diner nearby, it is my favorite place.” Ilya turned on the car and backed out of the parking spot. “You will enjoy.” 

Shane nodded.

“How was your day?”

Shane smiled and told him, and he smiled even bigger when he realized Ilya was answering all of his questions in return. 

“This is nice,” Shane told him when they arrived at The Moxy and were shown their table. “Very cozy.”

Their waiter came by and introduced herself and to Shane’s disappointment, could immediately tell it was going to be one of those days. She was instantly enamored by Ilya, and made it a point to pay extra attention to him. 

Shane scanned the menu and pulled out his phone, looking up the calories on everything. 

“What are you doing?” Ilya asks him from across the table. The diner was very old fashioned, exactly what one would see in the movies. But Shane could smell the food wafting over and it smelled delicious. 

“Just counting what I eat,” Shane murmured, deep in thought. “The season starts in a month Rozanov. We need to stay in shape.” 

Shane knew Ilya wanted to say something but he refrained. 

“So…”

“Yes Hollander, speak your mind. Even if it is boring,” Ilya prompted. The waitress had just left and their orders had been placed. 

“The shelter,” Shane toyed with his ginger ale can. “Why?”

Ilya looked at his hands, and fiddled with his fingers. “Back home in Russia, I left my 2 dogs. I miss them. Being at the shelter, reminds me of them.”

“Oh,” Shane breathed out. “Rozanov—”

“Ah, ah,” Ilya stopped him. “What did I say about pity Hollander? And how it will result in a black eye?”

Shane rolled his eyes. “I was just going to say, that’s a nice thing to do. The shelter is very lucky to have you.”

Ilya smiled, his white teeth on display. “Everybody is lucky to have me Hollander.” 

It was amazing to Shane, how Ilya could be able to go from sweetheart to asshole in a second. 

It was also amazing to him how easily it worked on Shane, who could feel his crush growing exponentially. 

When Shane finally dipped into his hamburger, he moaned. “Holy shit Rozanov, you’re right. This is fucking incredible.”

Ilya smiled over his milkshake. “I accept gratitudes in wishes and sexual favors. You already owe me one of the two so I only think it’s fair—”

“Fuck you,” Shane laughed. “You wish.”

Shane didn’t dare call it a date but… it came close to feeling like one. Ilya, when not being an asshole, was extremely receptive to whatever Shane had to say. He allowed Shane to vent about his Quantum Mechanics class for 30 minutes and didn’t interrupt once. 

“Your turn,” Shane protested. “I’ve been the only one speaking.”

“What do you want to know?”

Shane leaned his head against his hand. “Tell me about Russia. Not—not your family but just the country. I’ve never been.”

And Shane loved how Ilya instantly lit up, when speaking about home. The weather, the landmarks. His house and his school. Childhood friends that he no longer spoke to but remembered fondly. 

“When did your English get so good,” Shane asked, after Ilya had asked for the check. “You almost sound as boring as me.”

“Shane Hollander, was that a joke? Are you capable of joking?

Shane laughed and it felt good. 

“I’m running to the restroom,” Ilya stood up. “Do not try to pay the bill. I will tell Sigma Alpha about the time you cried because you thought a monster was under your bed.”

“I was six asshole!” 

Shane took out his phone at the same time the waitress came back. 

“Oh, did—I’m sorry but did your friend leave?”

Shane met her eyes. “No,” he hated that he answered truthfully. “No. He went to the bathroom.” 

She nodded and set the black book down, “Can you just make sure he gets… this?”

Shane stiffly said ‘Sure’ and the waitress walked away briskly. 

By the time Ilya came back, Shane was in a bad mood. He stared out the window, jaw clenched. 

Ilya sat down and Shane’s eyes whipped to what was inside once he opened the book. 

And sure enough, there on a piece of paper was a number. Scribbled under ‘Emily’ with a smile. 

Shane felt a muscle pop in his jaw. 

Ilya took out cash and slipped it back inside. Shane didn’t dare see what he did with the paper, not wanting to make it hurt more.

He quietly followed Ilya outside, cursing himself for allowing it to get this far. He had told himself not to do this. That once feelings were involved, he would feel exactly how he felt at this moment. 

It’s just a crush he reminded his brain. 

Ha. 

When they settled inside, Ilya turned to him. “What’s wrong Hollander?”

Shane assumed the same position as inside. Arms crossed, face turned out the window, jaw clenched. “Nothing.”

Ilya took a breath in and then, Shane felt a hand on his knee. “Tell me. Please?”

Shane sighed. Then quietly said, “She gave you her number.” 

“Da, she did.” 

Shane scoffed and shoved Ilya’s hand off of him. But Ilya caught his fingers. “I left it inside.”

Shane turned his head to Ilya so quickly, he was surprised there wasn’t a crack heard. “You did? But—but she was pretty.”

“Da she was. But you’re prettier.” 

Shane could feel his cheeks warm at the compliment. 

“Now,” Ilya said teasingly. “Will you talk to me again? Or do I have to get coffee by myself?” 

Shane felt his heart flutter. “No. Let’s go get coffee,” and buckled in.

***

“Alright boys,” Shane clapped, standing alongside Ilya at the front of the locker rooms. “You heard Coach. Homecoming is next week, football ends in 2 weeks, and then it’s our time.”

Cheers went up. 

“Now, I know you fuckers have all been slacking. I’ve seen you at our parties don’t lie,” Shane chuckled, pointing at them. “But come on. We’ve won 2 championships for this school, they deserve another one.”

More cheers. 

“After Homecoming, your sole focus will be hockey. We’ll have practices starting at 6,” boos interjected but Shane continued on. “And practices at night starting at 7. On your off time, I need to see you all watching play clips and old training movies. We’re not losing our first game.”

He clapped his hands again and gestured to Ilya, “Rozanov, anything else?”

Ilya smirked, “What he said.”

Laughters rang out, “Love you Rozy,” Cliff called out. “Don’t ever fucking change.” 

Shane groaned, “Okay fuckers. Hit the showers. Have fun with your last few days of freedom!”

“Hollander, who would have thought you would make such a hot teacher,” Ilya whispered in his ear. 

“Fuck off,” Shane snapped, pushing him. “Same goes for you Rozanov.”

Ilya saluted him before making his way to clean up. 

Their coach had them run a few plays that day, just to warm up and see how everybody was. Shane was happy to see the team still ran smoothly, the months between their last playoff game and now not affecting them too much.

Homecoming was the following weekend, the second week of November. 

It had been a couple of weeks since Shane had went to The Moxy with Ilya. And they had returned numerous times since. 

Normally, Shane would have thought this meant something. That these were dates accumulating while Ilya worked up the courage to ask him out. 

Shane had come to terms with the fact that he was developing feelings for him. But he knew, he would never be the first one to confess. 

But what he would do if Ilya ever did? He didn’t know. 

And Shane thought it was coming, he really did. Not only because of their visits to The Moxy but because they went together to visit Joey, they talked every night on the phone. 

Except, last week it was Halloween. A huge party was held at Kappa Tau and Shane was excited. His grades were up, the seasons were changing, and hockey was on the horizon.

He crossed the street with his friends, ready to put himself in Ilya’s orbit. Maybe drinks would make the both of them courageous. 

“I see Jackie,” Hayden had yelled out. “I’ll catch you later.” 

Shane nodded, walking deeper into the house. But then stopped in his tracks, seeing Ilya with Svetlana. They were smiling, wrapped up in one another. Svetlana threw her arms around his neck, and Ilya reached down to give her a peck on her lips. 

Oh. Okay. 

Shane suddenly didn’t want to be there anymore. He had hightailed it out of there, turning right around and ignoring the questions thrown at him. 

Ilya had asked him later that night, why he hadn’t made it to the party. Shane lied and said he wasn’t feeling well. 

And so that’s how Shane found his situation with Ilya currently. There wasn’t any.

Shane shook his head, trying to throw off the thoughts, the memories from that night. Ilya acted as if nothing had changed and Shane had heard nothing of the two of them getting back together. He had to focus on what was in front of him, hockey. His feelings about Ilya could wait. 

“Mr. Hollander,” somebody said behind him. “A word?”

Shane saw it was their dean, Mr. Jackson, and his heart dropped to his stomach. “Dean Jackson—I—wow what a surprise.” He shook his hand, “What brings you here? I apologize sir, we just wrapped up practice. I haven’t had a chance to clean up.”

Mr. Jackson smiled, “No worries young man. I know I’m ambushing you but your coach said I could find you here. Listen, I wanted to speak to you about this upcoming season.”

Shane tightly nodded and stayed silent. 

“We have investors approaching us son,” Dean Jackson continued. “Wealthy investors that have grown interested in what happens to our hockey team here. They’re almost convinced but this season, another championship, would push them over the edge. With the money they’re willing to donate Mr. Hollander…” his voice trailed off, but Shane knew what he meant. 

“Don’t worry sir,” Shane said, hoping his nerves weren’t showing. “I understand. We—I won’t you down.”

“That a boy,” the dean patted him on the back, enthusiastically. “I know you won’t Mr. Hollander. I’ll take a vested interest in what happens this year, and keep an eye on things.” He started walking away but then seemed to remember something. “You’re up for the draft next year, isn’t that right Mr. Hollander?”

Again, Shane just nodded. 

“My wife is good friends with the commissioner’s wife,” he said. “I’ll be sure to keep them both updated as well.” 

Shane knew he meant well, but those final words were like a nail to his coffin. He didn’t remember cleaning up, showering, and getting dressed. He knew Ilya told him something while everybody was bidding one another goodbye but the words hardly registered. He just asked Hayden to take him home and went directly to his room once there. 

And there he laid, for a good hour. His phone was buzzing somewhere nearby but he could hardly find the energy to check it. 

He couldn’t breathe. 

Shane knew he was in the middle of a panic attack. His chest felt like it was caving in and his lungs were constricting, not enough air being able to enter them. He kept staring at the ceiling, replaying every single one of Dean Jackson’s words. His mind spiraled, leading him down one worst case scenario after another. 

Humiliating his team, his school. Ilya, Hayden, J.J… the list went on. 

Shane felt like he was losing his mind. 

A knock was a necessary reprieve. 

“Come in,” his voice sounded gutted. 

“Hey man,” Hayden said gently. He came over to sit on the edge of his bed. “Are you okay?” 

Shane just sighed, “I look that bad huh?” 

Hayden snorted. “Dude, the way you walked out of practice today, I think even Rozanov felt creeped out.” 

Shane decided to tell him what happened instead of responding to that. 

“Ah dude,” Hayden sighed. “Come here.” He patted the area next to him and didn’t give up until Shane complied. “Your mind is going somewhere none of us can follow Shane.” 

Shane dropped his face into his hands. “You don’t get it Hayden. It’s all on me now. Fuck, he—you’re all counting on me. I need to—I need to double up on practice. I need to pull the reels from 5, 10 years back. Shit, I need to rework my schedule next semester. Maybe I can take a class over the summer instead.” 

“Woah! Woah dude, okay come on. Let’s do those breathing exercises your therapist gave you. Alright? In and out, hold for 5 seconds. In and out, hold for 5 seconds.” 

Shane had been on the verge of hyperventilating but this was better. Hayden’s voice talked him off that ledge. 

A short while later found Hayden and Shane sprawled onto Shane’s bed.

“Sorry about that Hay,” Shane murmured. “I know I told you I would come to you when it was getting bad.” 

“It’s okay dude,” Hayden sighed. “Are you ready to listen to what I have to say though?” 

Shane didn’t respond. 

Hayden sat back up, staring down at him. “Shane. Buddy. You’re my best friend, and I’m saying this to you nice.” He placed both of his hands on Shane’s shoulders, making eye contact. “Hockey isn’t all that you have in your life. It’s a nice addition, but it’s not everything.” 

Shane almost protested but Hayden refused to let him. “I know you don’t agree, not right now, but I need you to just listen. You have your family, us, our fraternity. School, which I forbid you from touching your classes.” Hayden leaned in closer. “Hockey. Is. Not. Your. Entire. Life.” 

Shane swallowed the words that were on the tip of his tongue. 

“Plus,” Hayden continued. “I know you have a guy.” 

That caused Shane to scramble up. “What?” 

Hayden smirked, “The dude you’re always calling at night. Don’t think I can’t hear you Hollander.” 

“There’s no—I mean—”

“Shane.”

Shane hung his head in defeat. “Am I that obvious?”

“No,” Hayden conceded. “You’re just… not always with us. Your head is always somewhere else, thinking of someone else. And you have major mood swings man, like how I get when Jackie doesn’t speak to me. So tell me, how’d you meet the boyfriend? And when do we get to meet him?”

“Not my boyfriend,” Shane grumbled. “He doesn’t even know I like him.” 

“What?” Hayden exclaimed. “Dude you guys have been talking since what, September? That’s almost 3 months!” 

“It’s complicated Hay.” 

Hayden shook his head. “No. It never really is. He either likes you or he doesn’t. Just tell him how you feel.” 

“I can’t,” Shane repeated. “He doesn’t feel the same.” 

“Bullshit,” Hayden shot back, crossing his arms. “You haven’t even told him, how would you know?” 

“I know.”

“I’m calling bullshit Shane Hollander.” 

“I saw him kissing his ex-girlfriend last week,” Shane finally said. “There, is that enough for you?” 

Hayden deflated. “Oh. Shane, I’m sorry.” 

Shane laid back down, closed his eyes and brought his hands behind his back. “It’s whatever. I’ll just keep liking him until my feelings go away or we graduate. Done.” 

Hayden stayed quiet. Long enough that Shane cracked one of his eyes open. “What?” 

“Shane, you need to still tell him.” 

Shane laughed,  sitting up again. “So he can what? Reject me and things get so awkward we never talk again? Yeah right. I’d rather have him in my life as a friend than nothing at all.” 

“You’re not in the mood,” Hayden decided. “You don’t want to listen to the voice of reason.”

“You?” Shane smirked. 

“Hey asshole, I just helped you with your freak out. Give me a break.” 

“Thank you man,” Shane said sincerely, dropping the act. “Seriously. You’re the best best friend a guy could ask for.”

Hayden fist bumped him and went to leave. But he stopped at the doorway and told Shane, “Just… think about it. Okay? Telling him?”

Which led to Shane looking out his window, watching the lights on at Kappa Tau. 

He couldn’t. He actually couldn’t. 

Obviously, Shane knew Hayden was right. He could never really know what Ilya was thinking, not without telling him. But deep down, Shane had a feeling. Deep in his gut, his instinct was telling him Ilya’s priorities were either getting back with Svetlana or staying single and living the dream. There was no room for Shane. 

And Shane couldn’t keep deluding himself into thinking otherwise. Sure, Ilya was flirty with him. Off hand comments here and there, their trips to the Moxy, and nightly phone calls. 

That night at Sigma Tau where they almost went all the way. 

But Shane had seen firsthand how Ilya was with the rest of the student body. He was just as flirty, just as obsessed with evoking emotions. 

Shane didn’t stand a chance. 

So he wouldn’t tell Ilya. No way. 

Except, he missed him. 

“Hollander,” Ilya greeted him after Shane had dialled his number. “Are you okay?” 

Shane hummed. “What are you doing right now?” 

Which was how the two found themselves walking down Greek Row, the cold air providing relief to the stuffiness Shane felt. 

Shane had just finished telling Ilya everything—what Dean Jackson said, his freak out. Hayden helping, and how he felt now. 

“Next time, call me.” 

Shane laughed, thinking he was joking. But the serious look on his face, proved otherwise. “Rozanov. Yeah right.” 

Ilya side eyed him. “Why not? I can do your breathing—what did you call it? Workouts?”

“Exercises.”

“Da, your breathing exercises with you.” 

“Sure. Maybe,” Shane said. 

Ilya stopped them in front of a random frat house. He turned Shane’s body to him and cupped his cheeks. “Hollander. Next time, you will call me.” 

Shane gaped at him. Ilya moved his head up and down, “Now you say ‘yes Mr. Rozanov.’

Shane cracked his first real smile that night. “You wish.” 

“I do.”

And there it was again, those comments. The ones that almost convinced Shane, Ilya was on the same page as him. 

“Can I ask you something?” Ilya finally said, continuing their walk. “Your diet. The way you clean and organize, does that have something to do with your anxiety?”

Shane shuddered, the wind picking up. “Yeah. The discipline, it helps to keep things quiet up here.” He tapped his temple. “My mind is always on overdrive Rozanov, it’d freak anyone out if they could take a peek.” 

Shane wrapped his arms around himself, regretting not bringing a jacket. And then he was engulfed by something that smelled like Ilya. 

“Here,” Ilya gruffly said. “Do not catch cold. You will cranky if you wake up sick. Will make all of us run laps until you feel better.” 

Shane laughed, trying to ignore the way he felt inside. 

They only walked for a bit more before heading back. When they stopped in front of Sigma Alpha, Shane tried to give Ilya back his sweater but Ilya shook his head. “Keep it. Give it back next time.” 

Shane bid him good night and started to head up his front porch. 

“Hollander.” 

Shane looked back. 

“I wouldn’t freak out,” Ilya said and he crossed the street. 

If Shane fell asleep that night wearing Ilya’s zip up, nobody had to know. 

***

“Remind me again why we need to go?” Shane grumbled, Hayden making sure the door locked behind them. 

“Because we have to plan Homecoming,” Hayden reminded him. “Now stop complaining come on. I’m not thrilled to see Rozanov either and the rest of the Kappa Tau douchebags.”

It was funny, Shane thought as they crossed the street. On the ice, the Kappa Tau boys were bearable. Great, in fact. The banter and jokes flowed well in the locker rooms, camaraderie up. But the moment they left and returned to Greek row… Shane shuddered. 

Hayden banged on Kappa Tau’s front door. “With our luck, hopefully they’re not home.” 

Troy answered the door thankfully. “Hey guys! Rozy and Harris were expecting you two. Come on, they’re out back.” 

It was weird seeing Kappa Tau in the daylight, clean and normal. Shane would never think this was the home of countless legendary parties. 

Ilya was by the bonfire, hoodie up over his eyes and laying on the bench. Harris was tapping away at his tablet. 

“I don’t give a fuck dude,” Ilya groaned. “My head is killing me.” 

Harris spotted them first. “Hollander, Pike, what’s up?” 

Ilya scrambled up, pushing his hoodie back. His blonde curls were everywhere, fluffy and unruly. Shane’s hand twitched with the urge to touch. 

Usually, Homecoming was simple. One fraternity decided to host the party after the game and the others would help. But Scott Hunter had implemented a new tradition with Ilya’s predecessor last year. Truth be told, no other fraternity really wanted to throw the festivities. The pressure was too much, the cleanup afterwards was gnarly, and it wasn’t worth it.

So Kappa Tau and Sigma Alpha decided to take on the burden. They would start alternating every other year into playing host. This was the first year the said tradition would kick off so Shane and Ilya had to work out the kinks. 

Shane waved at Harris and took a seat next to Ilya. “Hey,” he said quietly. 

“Hello Hollander,” Ilya smiled slightly. 

“Alright,” Hayden groaned as he sat down. “Let’s get this over with quickly. Who’s hosting this year?” 

Harris showed him the tablet. “I’ve been coming up with the schedules and I think it would be pragmatic if Sigma Alpha starts it off. Makes the most sense as it was Hunter’s plan.” 

Hayden shrugged. 

Shane didn’t care—he didn’t. But a small part of him wished he was hosting it next year, as a senior. 

Shane didn’t say anything, just nodded. 

“No,” Ilya interjected. “We take this year.” 

“But—”

Ilya waved Harris away. “We have the time, the resources, and the manpower. We do it this year. End of discussion.” 

Hayden looked at Harris. “You can still rush Sigma Alpha dude. Shane would accept you in an instant.” 

“Why’d you do that?” Shane asked, once the other two were distracted. 

“Because,” Ilya said simply. “I could tell from your face. You wanted it next year.” 

Shane didn’t know what to say. So he chose instead, “What are you doing later?” 

Ilya smirked. “Why? Going to take me out on a date?” 

“You wish. No, it’s Thursday and my only class tomorrow was cancelled. I figured we could do something.” 

“Have you ever been here?” 

It was nighttime, a little over 7 pm, and Shane had brought them to Faneuil Hall. It was his favorite place when he first got here. He was able to experience Boston as a tourist. While the illusion was now gone, having been a resident of the city for 3 years and counting, it still held a special place in his heart. 

“No,” Ilya responded, burrowing his hands in his hoodie pockets. “Is nice.” 

Shane nodded. “Let’s go in here. Are you in the mood for ice cream?” 

After Shane bought them each a scoop, they sat down on one of the wooden benches, watching the workers put up the Thanksgiving decorations. Families were milling around and tourists taking pictures left and right. 

It was the perfect night. 

Ilya was just finishing telling Shane about Harris and Troy and the fight he had to put out between them. 

“Very dramatic,” Ilya snorted. “They fight like old married couple.” 

This was a date, it had to be a date. But Shane was too chicken to clarify. 

They watched as a mom held a little boy’s hand, letting him jump over the puddles and skip into the fallen leaves. 

“Do you miss her?” Shane asked, not knowing what spurned him on but feeling like he had to. 

“All the time,” Ilya responded honestly. 

Shane hummed, and leaned closer into Ilya. Which prompted Ilya to wrap an arm around him. 

Fuck. 

“I did not have it easy growing up.”

Shane held his breath, not wanting to say anything and ruin the moment. 

“My parents fought, all the time. My father had an anger problem, always lashing out at everybody. My mother… she got it the worst. My brother Alexei, he grew up exactly like him. But my mother, she remained nice. Sweet. Maybe that’s why my father hated her. He could not ruin her.” 

Ilya stopped and turned slightly, laying his chin on Shane’s head. “My mother died when I was 10. It was like—like my entire world fell apart. I loved her so much Hollander… so much.” 

“Can I… can I hug you?” Shane whispered into Ilya’s hoodie. He felt Ilya nod. 

Shane wrapped his arms around him, pulling Ilya in tightly. Ilya buried his face into Shane’s neck and they stayed like that. One minute, two, three passed and still. They stayed just like that. 

When they finally broke apart, Shane pushed a curl out of Ilya’s eyes. “She would be very proud of who you grew up to be, Rozanov.” 

By the time they made it back to Shane’s care he knew he was fucked. Royally fucked. His feelings were there. He couldn’t deny them anymore. He liked Ilya—he really, really liked Ilya. The stubborn asshole with a golden brain and an even bigger heart. He had shown his sides to Shane, and Shane wanted. 

He wanted. 

When Shane walked Ilya to his front door, it took everything in him not to kiss him. 

***

“So,” Rose said, once Shane started driving. “How have you been?”

“Good. Okay. Just waiting for hockey to start.” 

It was Wednesday, the week of the Homecoming game. Shane could feel the entire school buzzing with excitement, anticipation ripe in the air. 

Rose fiddled with her phone in the passenger seat. 

Shane sighed. “What Rose? You want to say something.”

Shane was driving Rose to her monthly get together with her sisters. The Gamma Omegas had social events at various places throughout the city, with different fraternities. This time, it was at a bowling alley with Kappa Tau. 

“It’s just… you seem sadder Shane. Closed off. Are you sure you’re okay?” 

Shane tapped the wheel while waiting for a red light. “It’s stress Rose. I’ll feel better when the season starts and my schedule goes back to normal.” 

Rose turns to stare at him. “Hayden tells me you’re seeing somebody.” 

Shane slammed his head back against his seat. “Ughhhh. I was going to tell you, I swear.” 

Rose cocks an eyebrow up. 

“I was! It’s just, we’ve been busy. And it’s a long story, just draining to hear.” 

“Hayden told me you like him but he’s getting back together with his ex?” 

“Hayden needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut,” Shane muttered. 

“He cares about you Shane,” Rose reminded him. “So do I. And I agree with him, whoever this guy is, you need to tell him. He deserves to know.” 

Shane was already shaking his head. “I’ll tell you the same thing I told Hayden. There’s no point.” 

“You’ll never unless you try Shane!” Rose threw her hands up. “Why are you so scared of trying? Just put yourself out there, you never know what can happen!”

“Yeah because rejection isn’t scary at all,” Shane sarcastically replied, pulling into the parking lot. “Just drop it Rose, I’m not doing it.” 

Rose sighed but stayed silent. 

But before she got out, she turned to him. “My brother is… difficult sometimes Shane. He can also be very obtuse. I promise, just spell it out for him.” And then left the car. 

Shane’s head was reeling. “Wait what? Rose—what?” He exited the car quickly, trying to find her. But she had made it inside already. And judging by the security guard at the entrance, this was invite only. 

He would find her tomorrow and find out what exactly she knew—or what she thought she knew. 

He heard loud noises coming from behind him. When he looked, he saw Ilya and his crew shoving each other. Cliff and Bood were teasing Troy about something and Troy seemed really riled up. Shane hid slightly, shielding himself next to a car. Ilya seemed happy and he didn’t want to disrupt it. Not when he felt this weird. 

His phone beeped, with a new email notification. Normally he wouldn’t care but it was from his Quantum Mechanic professor. 

His blood turned cold when he read the message. 

Failed. 

He had… failed an exam? But that didn’t make sense. The words started swimming in front of him and he clicked on his school account. 

It was actually a D but it had brought his grade in the class down to a B. 

“Oh fuck,” Shane whispered. “Oh shit.” 

And there it was again. Chest caving, lungs restricting. He squatted down, trying to breathe. But he couldn’t catch his breath. 

Ilya’s voice was able to break through his hyperventilating. 

Shane made a decision right then and there. 

He got up quickly and went over to where Ilya and his friends stood. 

“Oh shit, is that Hollander?” Cliff asked, seeing him first. 

Ilya whirled around. “Sha—Hollander, what are you doing here?” 

Shane stepped in closer, whispering. “I dropped Rose off and I saw you. And you told me to tell you when it got this bad. And uh, it’s bad. I can’t breathe.” 

Ilya’s eyes widened. “Okay. Okay, let’s go to my car.” 

“Rozy what the fuck? Svetlana is alm—”

But Ilya cut off Troy’s words. “Go inside. I’ll be there soon. We just—it’s school related. Go,” Ilya’s repeated more sternly when they didn’t listen. “Now.” 

Only then did they follow. 

“I’m sorry,” Shane kept repeating while Ilya directed them to his car. He had a hand on the small of Shane’s back, a welcoming pressure. 

“Do not apologize.” Ilya opened the door for him, “I will turn on the heater. Get comfortable.” 

Shane almost cried when Ilya climbed in and made him practice the breathing exercises Shane had taught him back then. 

Ilya remembered. 

20 minutes later and Ilya asked, “Better?”

Shane coughed. “Um, yes. Yeah. Thank you.” 

Ilya reached over and squeezed his arm, “What happened?” 

Shane was ashamed to admit it but he figured he owed Ilya an explanation. 

“Hey,” Ilya said softly. “It’s a test. Not a midterm and not a final. Your B isn’t forever.” 

Shane nodded, not really believing it. It seemed like it was. “It—it’s going to mess up my GPA. You—you’ll finally be valedictorian.” Shane winced at his lame attempt of a joke. 

“Yeah right,” Ilya rolled his eyes. “You think this school is going to let me beat out their precious Shane Hollander? You’re the golden child.” 

Shane’s chest twisted, seeing how much Ilya was trying to make him feel better. 

“If you haven’t noticed,” Shane looked down where he was wringing his fingers in his lap. “I’m an overachiever. I—I place a lot of my own self worth in things like this. Grades, how many goals I score, how happy others are around me.” He hated how soft his voice had gotten, more and more vulnerable. “There’s your answer okay. Remember? The keg? Why I needed everything to be perfect?” Understanding finally dawned on Ilya’s face as he remembered. “I need to be the best I can be, in everything. Anything less is a loss for me and I—I can’t handle it.” 

Shane took a deep breath in, “You wanted a peek inside. There you go.” 

A moment of silence. Shane knew he said too much, he scared Ilya off. 

“Oh sweetheart,” Ilya murmured. His hand came in to break Shane’s grip apart. “I wish you could understand… how we all see you.”

Shane looked up, eyes wide and unguarded. He was hanging onto every one of Ilya’s words. 

“You’re perfect,” Ilya continued, bringing one of Shane’s hands up to kiss it softly. “And I’ll tell you every day, every time your brain tries to convince you otherwise.”

It was right at the tip of Shane’s tongue. I like you Ilya. 

But the words couldn’t escape. 

Shane instead chose to say, “I’m hungry. We’re right by The Moxy. Can we go?” 

An hour later and Shane was eating his tuna melt. His grade still haunted him, and he knew it would come back to bite him. But Ilya had a point, it wasn’t a midterm and it wasn’t a final. Shane could make it up—even if he’d bust his ass doing extra credit. 

“You know,” Ilya slurped his milkshake down. “You were very honest with me Hollander. It is only fair I be honest with you.”

Shane chewed slowly, unsure where the conversation was going. 

Ilya wiped his mouth with a napkin. “My mother didn’t just die. She killed herself.” 

Shane put down his food entirely. 

“She was as bright as the sun,” Ilya said, hands clenching against the table. “But she was very sad.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

Ilya nodded at Shane’s words. “When she died, I knew I could not stay in Russia much longer. It no longer felt like home—not really. But I did not know how to leave. The draft was still many, many years away. Until Mary Landry sent me a letter.” 

Shane tilted his head, confused. 

“Apparently she and my mother were friends in college. They studied in London before Mary went home to the United States and my mother back to Russia. She had heard about my mother’s passing and she knew about the problems she had with my father.” Ilya paused. 

“It’s okay,” Shane said, reaching over to hold his hand. “You don’t have to tell me.” 

Ilya smiled. “I want to. Mary offered me her home. Said I could come, study, and play hockey. I left that same week.” 

“Wow,” Shane breathed out. “So that’s how you and Rose—”

“Yes,” Ilya confirmed. “I am very grateful to Rose and her family. They are my home now.” 

“And Alexei and your father?” 

Ilya shrugged. “I have not spoken to them since I left. They are probably happy I am no longer there.” 

Shane didn’t know what to say. “Well. I’m happy you’re here.” 

Ilya squeezed his hand. 

Ilya paid for their food and helped Shane with his jacket. “Are you feeling better now? Really?”

Shane laughed, knowing Ilya saw right through him earlier. “Yes, I am. Really.” 

Ilya looked proud of himself. They walked towards the exit… and were promptly intercepted by Rose and her sisters. 

“Oh!” Rose exclaimed. “Wow, hey.” 

Shane smiled weakly, remembering Rose’s last words to him. 

“We’re just leaving don’t worry,” Ilya smiled. “Your big brother is not crashing your little party.” 

“What if we wanted you to?” Elena quipped, twirling her hair. 

“Oh god,” Rose muttered under breath. 

“Maybe later sweetheart,” Ilya winked. “I’m too tired to be good company. And pretty girls like yourselves well, you deserve better.” That got them to giggle, stars in their eyes as they looked at Ilya. 

“Ilya,” Rose stamped her foot. “Just go, ugh you’re so slimy.” She gave Shane a look of pity. 

Shane just muttered an ‘Excuse me’ and slipped out. 

Sweetheart.

Shane hated how hurt that made him feel. But what did he think? That pet names were just exclusive to him? 

God he was being so stupid. How many more times did he have to remind himself that Ilya did not like him that way before it stuck? Ilya was just a natural flirtatious man and Shane had to learn to live with that. 

Shane pretended to be asleep the entire car ride home, not trusting his brain and his mouth. 

Ilya parked in front of Kappa Tau and walked him back to his house. 

“Shane.” 

He whipped his head to Ilya. His name sounding foreign in that Russian accent. 

“What?” Ilya sheepishly asked. “It felt weird to keep calling you Hollander.” 

“Should I call you Rozy now?” Shane teased, laughing when Ilya wrinkled his nose. “No? Okay. Ilya it is.” 

They stood in front of the porch, neither of them calling it a night. Ilya pushed a lock of hair off of Shane’s forehead. “I like how you say my name. But it’s not the first time you say it.”

Shane had no idea what he was talking about. 

“That first night I called you. Months ago. Before you passed out, you called me Ilya.” 

“I barely remember,” Shane sheepishly tells him. “I was so tired and you called me so late.”

Shane’s thoughts were warring with one another. Ilya made him feel special, made him feel like he was the only one that got this kind of treatment from Ilya. 

“Thank you for letting me in today,” Ilya says. “I appreciated your honesty.” 

“Yeah well. I needed to say it. Sometimes it’s good to just let it out.” 

Ilya leaned against the wooden railing. “Shane, tell me you don’t honestly believe those things about yourself.” 

Shane stayed silent. 

A fire lit inside of Ilya’s eyes. “Shane. Hollander, you need to… shit, English is escaping me.” Ilya blew out air, frustrated. “You deserve to put yourself first. All of this,” he gestured around Greek Row, “is all unimportant. Everything, hockey and school too okay? Everything does not matter if you do not take care of yourself first. Put yourself first Shane, go after the things you want, not just the things you think you need.” 

Shane’s breath caught in his throat. It almost seemed like Ilya wanted Shane to confess. To tell him what he actually felt for him. 

“What about you?” Shane asked. “What do you want? A relationship?” 

“Yeah right,” Ilya snorted. “No, I do not have the time or the energy..”

“But Svetlana?” Shane had to know. 

“Svetlana is… different.” Ilya’s voice had gone quieter, to Shane’s dismay. “She’s just different.” 

“Right,” Shane whispered. He was so, so confused. Like he was back at square one. 

“How do you feel about your grade now?” Ilya asked wearily, mistaking his change in mood and associating it with school instead. 

“Eh,” Shane grunted. “I messaged the TA back when we were eating. There’s still hope, but there’s a lot of assignments coming down the pipeline. Which means, I have to hunker down if I want that A.” 

And then Ilya did something that made Shane almost pinch himself. 

He took off his necklace, the golden chain he always wore. Ilya reached over and clasped it onto Shane’s neck. 

“This was my mother’s,” Ilya murmured. “She gave it to me as a good luck charm, said it would take me all the way to the MLH and a championship. You can give it back to me when you get your A in your stupid, boring class.” 

“Ilya,” Shane choked up, words becoming obsolete. “I—I can’t.” 

But Ilya refused to take it. He kissed him on the forehead and whispered, “Goodnight.”

A small part inside Shane was convinced Ilya liked him back. He just needed time. 

***

“I’m confused,” Shane yelled. “This is the pre party to the actual party?” 

Hayden laughed, “Yes Holzy, keep up. The game and party are tomorrow. This is just the appetizer, the warm up to the actual event.” 

Shane just shook his head, sipping his beer. It was Homecoming weekend, the big game and the even bigger party at Kappa Tau on Saturday. Shane had thought that was the only thing on his calendar this weekend so he didn’t believe it when Rose and Hayden informed him of Sigma Alpha’s duties as well. 

“It‘s to get people in the spirit man,” J.J. laughed. “That’s why the dress code is our school colors. Get in the zone Shane, or people will think you want us to lose.” 

“I need normal friends,” Shane announced. 

They were perched on the island, able to see the entire party from where they were seated. They found an actual DJ to play so the vibes were up and everybody was in a good mood. Their classic white strobe lights were back and Shane was proud at how sick his house looked. 

Shane hadn’t spoken to Ilya since Monday but he was eager to see him. Their nightly phone calls had been suspended momentarily, as they both were preparing for the big weekend. 

It seemed like Shane was living in suspense, anxiously waiting to see whether Ilya would make it. 

Bood, Cliff, Troy, and Harris were already there. They had come over to say hi and mentioned Ilya was running late but was hoping to make it. When Shane asked what was keeping him, they didn’t want to say. Which was weird to say the least. 

Shane saw her first. Svetlana. She looked beautiful, like always. Their school colors went well with her, Shane concluded. She walked in with her friends, laughing and immediately greeting those near the front doors. 

Okay, that’s fine. So she was here. At least they didn’t arrive together. 

Looking back at this night, Shane didn’t know how really everything went down. His memories were painful, jumbled together. He remembered he had gone out to his backyard, to get some air. More people than they were expecting had shown up and their house was packed to the brim. 

He remembered stepping back in, dodging hugs from his drunk friends and drunken kisses from Rose’s drunker friends. 

And then, there he was. 

Ilya was sitting next to Bood on their couch. He looked incredible, his smile beaming and infectious. Shane felt everything in his body tugging, trying to get him closer to Ilya. He got emotional, over how much he wanted this man. 

Maybe it was time. Maybe tonight, he could tell Ilya. 

Shane took one step forward. 

“Hey man—” Hayden said, suddenly next to him. 

And in that instant, Svetlana appeared at Ilya’s side. 

A dreadful, heavy weight settled in Shane’s stomach. 

Shane saw Ilya look up, his smile growing even wider if possible. 

Shane could see it all. Their expressions, how they looked at each other. It was like, there were only 3 people in the room. Him, Ilya, and Svetlana. 

And Shane felt like the outsider. 

It happened in slow motion. 

Ilya patted his lap and Svetlana, now with a big grin, bit her lip. She swiftly sat down, and threw her arms around his neck. 

And then… they were kissing. Not a peck, not a chaste movement. 

No. They were kissing. 

“Oh,” Shane breathed out. “Oh.

Hayden hissed, looking between Ilya and Svetlana and back at Shane. “Wait. Shit Shane. It—it was Rozanov? Oh fuck.” 

Shane was so stupid. He had been so so stupid. Of course it didn’t mean anything. Everything Ilya had done… he had done as a friend. 

It was Svetlana. It would always be Svetlana for Ilya. 

“Excuse me,” Shane choked up. “I need—I need to leave.” 

Shane ran to the stairs, climbing them like his life depended on it. He got to his room and slammed the door shut. He took deep breaths in and went to his window climbing out. Being so high up, he had easy access to their roof. 

He was careful but quick. He laid against the tiling, staring up at the sky. He heard the party going on downstairs. The music, the yelling. And he knew, somewhere down there, Ilya was kissing Svetlana. 

A short while later, Hayden found him. Shane felt weirdly numb, his thoughts not having processed what he had just witnessed. 

Hayden laid down next to him. “I always forget how beautiful it is out here.” 

Shane said nothing. 

“You could’ve just told me it was Rozanov, Shane,” Hayden told him gently. “I hate the guy but you’re my best friend.” 

“It doesn’t even matter now Hayden,” Shane kept his eyes firmly on the night sky. “He made his decision.” 

A beat of silence. 

“Yeah but… did he know there was a choice?” 

“Don’t make me cry Hay,” Shane whispered. “Please. I’ve cried enough already.” 

“Oh buddy,” Hayden sighed, scooting closer and laying his head on Shane’s shoulder. “I love you man. I know… I know you wanted it to be him. For whatever reason, that asshole got you hooked. And I’m sorry you’re going through this. But don’t forget, you still have me. Your parents. Rose and J.J. Hell, even Troy is a little bit in love with you.” 

Shane laughed wetly. “What’s your point?” 

“I’m just saying, maybe romantic love isn’t at the forefront for you right now. But… but there are so many different forms of love. It’s all around you, I promise. Don’t—don’t let this shut you off to it.” 

Shane sniffled and just let Hayden’s words wrap around him. 

***

Shane was in hell. That’s the only way to describe his situation right now. 

Boston University won the big game, even as the rain started coming down. Shane hated it but he had to go to Kappa Tau, he had no other choice. 

“Okay,” Hayden conspired when they finally left their house. “Listen. We’re in, we’re out. 2 minutes, tops. We say hi to five guys, make some funny jokes, tell some interesting stories and dip. Just long enough to be memorable. I’ll be with you every step of the way.” 

Shane nodded, his stomach knotted in twists. 

Ilya had called him last night and Shane declined the call. Ilya tried again, and again Shane hit the red button. 

He didn’t respond to his texts and he managed to dodge him the entire time at the game. Shane didn’t know what he would tell Ilya but he had to think of something fast. Hockey practice started next week and there was no way in hell Shane was letting this bleed into that. 

“I really don’t want to do this Hay,” Shane whined, as they went up the porch steps. “Please. I feel nauseous.” 

Hayden frowned. “Okay, 60 seconds. We literally take a loop around the place and we leave. No jokes, no stories. I’ll snap a few pictures as evidence.” 

Shane nodded. “Okay, fine. I can do that.” 

Shane entered and was immediately hit with the smell of booze and cigarettes. The party was insane, Shane could hardly describe what he was looking at. The DJ booth was perched on the side, next to the kitchen. The lights were off, of course, but the strobes provided a dazzling effect. 

Hayden whistled. “Well shit, they went all out.” 

And then Shane made eye contact with Harris who was hovering near the front door. Who froze mid sip when he noticed he and Hayden were there. 

Uh oh. 

Shane instantly saw Harris lean in and say something to Bood who was now also watching Shane. Bood nodded and left. 

Harris smacked a big smile on his face and approached them. “Hey Hayden! I’ve been looking all over for you. Listen, I wanted to show you the new PS5 I got, it’s fucking sick. It’s up in my bedroom.” He grabbed a hold of Hayden’s hand and pulled. 

Hayden shook his head, refusing to be tugged along. “Nah man, I’m—I’m not staying too long.” 

But to Shane’s horror, Harris was strong enough to take him, Hayden’s protests growing louder. 

Yeah fuck this, Shane thought. He’d fake a stomach bug and call it a day. He turned around and swiftly walked right back outside. The drizzle that had started earlier was now full on pouring. 

“Shane!” 

Shane kept walking, knowing that voice. He could hardly see with the rain in his eyes but he kept one foot in front of the other. He was almost home and then he could burrow himself in his bed and not think about Ilya Rozanov ever again. 

A hand grabbed his elbow and made him turn around. 

“Shane,” Ilya asked, equally as drenched. He looked worried. “I—I’ve been calling you. Are you okay?” 

Shane’s body was a mix of emotions. Sadness, anger, and anxiety all battling with one another. “Fuck you Rozanov. Just… leave me alone.” 

He stomped back around, yanking his arm out of Ilya’s grasp. 

But Ilya ran in front of him, hands up. “Shane, please. Just talk to me. What happened?” 

Anger finally won out. “I saw you! Okay? I saw you and Svetlana. Message received. You’re not interested in me, you’re getting back with your girlfriend. I get it! Now just leave me the fuck alone.” 

Shane walked past him, shoving his shoulder with his own. 

But again, Ilya ran to stop him and blocked his path. “I do not understand. What’s going on? What do you mean me and Svetlana, what message?” 

Shane stopped and his anger, as quick as it came, fizzled out. The tears came back. “At my party yesterday Ilya. You—you kissed her. I was standing there and saw everything. You did it… right in front of me.” Shane hated how his voice broke at the end. He reached up to his neck and removed Ilya’s necklace, shoving it into his hand. 

He looked into Ilya’s eyes, the rain pouring down around them. “It hurt. It hurt so much and maybe it was my fault for not telling you. But here it is. I like you okay? I like you a lot Ilya Rozanov, but fuck you for breaking my heart. So just leave me the fuck alone.” 

“Shane—”

But he couldn’t listen anymore. His chest felt raw and exposed, his bones aching from the cold water hitting his body. He needed a hot shower and a hibernation. 

Shane made it to his porch and he slowly walked up, hating every step he took away from Ilya. 

“Hollander.”

Shane took one more step and then stopped. 

“I’m not getting back with her. I didn’t—I didn’t know you were an option. I didn’t know you were available, that I could have you. Please, I know I’ve been… fucking all this up but I can explain.  Please give me a chance to explain.” 

But Shane couldn’t hear any more. So he just shook his head and walked into his house. 

***

2 weeks later and Shane had settled into some kind of normalcy again. His classes were fine, he was able to bring his Quantum Mechanics grade back up to an A with the extra essays be wrote. 

Hockey practice was in full swing, a much needed escape Shane was eternally grateful for. 

In fact, it was even fine with Ilya. 

They just were no longer speaking. 

Ilya had tried to corner him during hockey practice but Shane wasn’t having any of it. He walked away each time Ilya tried to steer their conversations away from the team, strategy, or their upcoming game. 

Ilya picked it up quickly. 

To Shane’s dismay though, his duties as Sigma Alpha president continued. Which meant tonight, they were hosting BU’s infamous Neon Party. 

“This is ridiculous,” Shane grumbled, setting bowls of the neon light bands around the living room. 

“You’re just saying that because you’re in a bad mood,” Hayden reminded him. “Remember last year? You and Max both had the green bracelets? You dated him for 5 months man.” 

Shane sighed. “I guess, just seems stupid now. Everything sucks, love isn’t real, and we’re all going to die anyways.” 

Hayden whistled. “Alright sunshine. Go sleep it off, our guests will be here in a couple of hours.” 

Shane tried but he wasn’t sleeping that well. He hated, hated to admit it but without Ilya’s nightly phone calls, turning off his mind had become more difficult with each passing day.

Shane made it downstairs once there was a good amount of people in the house. He didn’t want to risk running into any of the Kappa Tau guys. 

Hayden smiled when he saw him and held up the bowl. 

The rules were simple. A green band meant you were interested, open to discovering new connections. A red band meant you were taken or not interested. 

Shane loathed how he hesitated, even if it was for a second. He reached in and pulled out 2 green bands. He made them into a necklace and draped it over himself. 

Hayden, sporting his red bands, opened his mouth to say something but Shane raised a hand. “Let me take a shot of something and then we can have our heart to heart.” 

So that’s where Shane could be found currently, 5 shots in and trying to forget about a certain Russian man. 

“Woah killer,” Rose chided. “Take it easy.” 

“Why,” Shane slightly slurred. “It’s my house.”

Rose sighed and grabbed his hand, taking him to a quieter corner in the kitchen. “Shane. Ilya told me about what happened.” 

“Oh he did?” Shane rolled his eyes. “Great.” 

“Shane,” Rose said softly. “I think you need to talk to him.”

“Yeah okay,” Shane snorted. “Sure Rose, I’ll get right on that.”

Rose just gave him a look. 

“I’m sorry I’m being a dick,” Shane abashedly said. “I’m just hurt and I’m taking it out on you.” 

“Hey,” Rose told him, bringing her hand up to his cheek. “Remember what I said. You don’t know unless you try. And trust me, I think in this instance, you’ll want to try.” 

Shane nodded, not trusting himself to say anything. 

He slipped into the restroom and splashed some water on his face. He wasn’t drunk but he was halfway there and Shane knew alcohol wasn’t going to solve his problem. 

He exited and ran straight into Ilya. 

“No,” Shane said simply. “Nope. We’re not doing this,” and walked away. 

Except of course Ilya wasn’t going to let him go easily. 

“Shane—”

“No Ilya. I don’t want to speak to you,” Shane pointed a finger at him. “Not now, not ever..” 

But when Shane made to leave, Ilya called out, “You owe me a wish.” 

Shane turned back and laughed incredulously. “What?”

“You owe me a wish Hollander,” Ilya crossed his arms. Shane almost punched him when he realized the fucker was wearing two red bands on each wrist. So. He was just flaunting his relationship with Svetlana in front of Shane’s face. “I beat you at beer pong remember?” 

Shane narrowed his eyes. “Right. Of course. What do you want? Me on my knees sucking your dick or taking it from behind? Your choice.” 

Ilya sighed and ran his hand through his curls. “Shane. It’s difficult enough as it is. My wish is just to talk to you. Please? Can we do that?” 

Shane looked at him. “And once we do, do you promise never to bother me again? You’ll leave me alone?” 

Hurt flashed on Ilya’s face but he nodded nonetheless. 

“Whatever man,” Shane grunted and turned to the stairs. He gestured for Ilya to follow him. 

When Shane opened his bedroom door, he realized Ilya had never been inside. 

Ilya walked in slowly, eyes roaming over every inch of the room. Shane sighed but allowed him the time. 

“Okay. What did you want to talk about?” 

Ilya sat down and waited for Shane to do the same. After some grumbling, Shane did so but only because he figured it would get Ilya out the quickest. 

“Will you listen to me Shane? Actually listen to me?” 

Shane shrugged, petulantly. “Why don’t you try and see.” 

“I first noticed you back in freshman year,” Ilya continued. “You were cute. Competitive. But for whatever reason, you wrote me off and we went our separate ways. Which was fine, we had hockey.” 

“I don’t understand,” Shane interjected slowly. 

But Ilya kept going as if he never said anything. “I moved on. I found Svetlana.” 

Shane scoffed, eyes firmly situated on his hands in his lap. 

“But she wasn’t you Shane,” Ilya said, reaching over and raising Shane’s head. “I never thought you would ever be interested in me.”  

Shane moved his hand away. “Don’t do that Rozanov. Don’t rewrite history. I’ve been throwing myself at you all semester! I made the first move at the party, not you.” 

Ilya got up quickly, frustrated and threw his hands up. “I asked you out Hollander!” 

Shane followed suit. “No you fucking didn’t! When?” 

“When I asked you out for coffee! Remember? After class that day, when you saw me at the library.” 

Shane blinked, not believing he was actually standing here, listening to this. “You call that asking somebody out? You immediately went with Lauren! You’re full of shit Rozanov.” 

Ilya paced his room, “No. No it’s not the same Hollander. You are—what does Troy tell Harris? You are gaslighting me.” 

Shane laughed incredulously, “Wow. Wow, okay. You know what Rozanov, just fuck off. I put myself out there—”

“I thought you knew! I thought you knew okay?” 

That shut Shane up. 

“Shane. Hollander,” Ilya started, finally facing him, chest heaving. “I kept trying. I thought—I thought you weren’t interested or maybe I spooked you too early. So I kept my distance and I kept fucking around. And I’m sorry for that Shane, I am. But I kept trying with you, I swear I did. I took you out, I scared off that employee who wanted to date you. I told you things I have never told anybody else.” 

Ilya walked to Shane slowly, “Sweetheart. Baby. I thought you knew. If I had even a hint that you liked me back,” he grabbed Shane’s hands and kissed them. “I wouldn’t even look at another person. You know that, please tell me you know that. I’m not dating Svetlana. I never wanted to get back with her.” 

Shane couldn’t speak, the words not being found. 

Ilya reached into his back pocket and pulled out a photo. “Here,” he said hoarsely. “Take it.” 

Shane grabbed it and opened it. 

“Is—is this Joey?” The white pitbull had on a yellow raincoat and matching jacket, posed with a couple who had warm smiles. 

“Yeah sweetheart,” Ilya responded. “She got adopted. I found her a family.” 

Shane choked back tears, “Ilya. You—you’re so dumb.” 

And then he threw himself at Ilya, the pair landing on Shane’s bed. Shane straddled him and finally, kissed him. 

Ilya’s lips were soft against his but they kissed his back just as fervently. 

“Fuck Shane,” Ilya groaned against his mouth. “I love you.”

Shane drew his head back. “Holy shit.” 

Ilya looked up at him with such an open expression, Shane couldn’t do anything but kiss him again. Softly, gently. “I love you too Ilya.” 

They went back to kissing and it was every good as Shane had imagined it to be. He wanted to mold his body permanently against Ilya’s, never let him escape again. 

“Lyubimoy moy,” Ilya whispered. 

“What does that mean,” Shane drew his head back slightly. 

“My one and only, sweetheart,” Ilya responded. 

Yeah, Shane was never ever going to let this man leave him again. 

Ilya reached up and yanked the green bands from Shane’s neck as if it personally insulted him.

They kept kissing, their bodies rolling against one another. Shane knew they were taking it too far, for their first time being with one another. But all voice of sense left his mind, his brain finally shutting down. All his senses, his perception, boiled down to this man right here. 

Shane felt Ilya getting hard in his pants, the more he grinded down but he couldn’t care. He felt his own dick twitching against his jeans, straining to get free. 

“Sweetheart,” Ilya groaned again. “We have to stop—unless you want me to fuck, we need to stop.” 

Shane shook his head, bringing his lips down to kiss along Ilya’s neck. “Don’t want to stop. I’ve been waiting for this for so long Rozanov, you can’t ditch me now.” 

In an instant, Ilya had their positions reversed. He pinned Shane’s hands against the bed, leaning to kiss him once more, twice, before asking. “Lyubimaya moya, do you even have anything in your boring room to help us?” 

Shane blushed. No, he didn’t keep condoms and lube in his nightstand, so sue him. 

Ilya chuckled fondly. “Oh sweetheart, what am I going to do with you?” 

“Keep me,” Shane smiled, biting down onto his lip. “You could keep me.” 

Ilya grinned wickedly. “Oh Hollander. If you thought there was a chance in hell you could get away from me now, you are mistaken.” 

 Shane’s breath caught in his throat.

“So,” Ilya murmured. “I can’t fuck you… yet. What else can we do, hmm?”

“You can strip for me,” Shane cheekily said. Ilya raised his eyebrow but obliged, raising his shirt off of him. Shane tugged on his jeans and Ilya quickly followed with it. Shane took his own clothes, with heavy lidded eyes watching him. He neatly folded his clothes, putting them off to the side, and only pinching Ilya once for his snickering. 

“God, you’re so hot,” Shane moaned. “I hate it.”

“No you don’t,” Ilya said, kissing the base of his throat.

Shane could feel his and Ilya’s dicks rubbing against one another, and the friction was fine but he needed more. 

“Ilya—baby,” Shane panted. “You’re going to kill me.” 

Ilya’s mouth was on top of his, lips unable to connect because of how worked up they were. 

Shane couldn’t do it anymore. 

“Take it off,” he moaned. “Off. Everything off.” 

Ilya scooted back, intrigued by the change in pass, but was naked in a second.

Shane took his own underwear off and flipped around, on all fours. He beckoned Ilya closer and once Ilya’s hard chest was on his back, he reached for the other’s dick. 

“Like this,” Shane moaned, rubbing Ilya’s cock between the cleft of his butt. His moans reached a new pitch when Ilya’s tip caught on his hole. 

“Oh fuck Hollander,” Ilya grunted. “Lyubimoy moy, you’re going to be the end of me. You are so fucking hot.” 

He started rutting up against Shane and Shane knew they probably looked desperate, but Shane couldn’t think about but making it good for Ilya. 

Shane reached to his own dick and started rubbing the skin there, up and down, in tandem with Ilya’s thrusts. Ilya’s cock still caught on his hole and it was heavenly.

“I’ll fuck you so good sweetheart,” Ilya grunted in his ear. Hot breaths panting in between words, “Just wait for it. Your hole is so sweet for me Shane, fuck. It feels so tight, but do not worry. I will make it fit, ruin you for anybody else.”

“No—nobody else,” Shane brokenly said, a few tears escaping his eyes. “I don’t want anybody else.” 

Ilya chose to attach his lips on Shane’s throat, sucking another hickey there. He kissed his way back up to Shane’s ear.

“Maybe next time,” Ilya whispered, “I’ll stuff my cock into your throat. Plug up your nose and let you come just like that.”

“Oh fuck,” Shane yelled, climaxing. Just the thought alone was enough to push Shane over the edge. Ilya, after a few more thrusts, followed.

“Lyubimoy moy,” Ilya breathed, maneuvering Shane so he could spoon him. “You’re perfect. I’m going to marry you one day.”

Shane giggled, pinching the arms around his stomach. “Shut up.” 

Those stupid red bands were still on Ilya’s wrists. 

“Sweetheart,” Ilya said, kissing the back of his neck. “Will you be my boyfriend.”

Shane threw him a look, “Wow. First you fuck me, then you want to ask?”

“You are very annoying Hollander, ugh,” Ilya groaned. 

Shane slipped off one of the bands and put it on himself. “Deal with it Rozy. You’re stuck with me.”

Ilya’s smile could power a whole city, with how bright it was. 

“How do you feel right now sweetheart? Breathing okay?” 

Shane’s heart was so, so full of love for Ilya. “Yeah, yes. I’m not saying I won’t have freakouts later—not about this, just generally—but having you near… it helps Ilya.”

“I’m here for as long as you want me,” Ilya told him. “I have your breathing workouts down, is all memorized.”

Shane rolled his eyes, “Exercises Rozanov.”

A half hour later, Shane and Ilya traipsed downstairs, to where the party was still blissfully ongoing. Shane giggled, holding onto Ilya’s hand and not believing this was his life now. He found their friends crashed along the couches, Hayden telling some kind of story. 

“Oh god,” Hayden groaned, catching sight of them, their interlocked hands, and the matching smiles on their faces. “Ew, somebody help me, they’re going to be one of those couples. Look at the fucking marks on Shane’s neck, Jesus Christ Rozanov, what are you, some kind of cannibal?” 

Ilya sat down first and patted his lap, gesturing for Shane to sit. Which he did after rolling his eyes and elbowing his stomach. “I’m not your dog Rozanov, I don’t follow whenever you point.” 

Ilya wrapped his arms around Shane’s body, “But I bet you’d look so pretty in a collar.” 

“Fuck you,” Shane scoffed. 

“Damn Rozy,” Cliff whistled. “I’ve never seen you this dick whipped before. Who would have thought Hollander had it in him.” 

“Thank god you guys got your shit together,” Troy interjected. “Rozy was scaring our new pledges with all his angsty pining, it was disgusting.” 

“That black eye I gave you last month?” Ilya asked. “Would you like a repeat?”

“Yeah babe, let’s remember Rozy grew up fighting bears in the Russian winter,” Harris kissed Troy’s cheek. “Let’s cool it with the jokes.” 

“You’re so annoying,” Shane laughed, settling against Ilya’s chest. “I wish they knew how harmless you are.” 

Ilya smirked, “I just made you cry lyubimaya moya. I wouldn’t say I’m harmless.” 

He kissed Shane before the other could start cussing him out. Ilya reached into his pockets and pulled out his packet of cigarettes. 

“No,” Shane said, covering them with his hands. “No more smoking tonight.” 

“But sweetheart,” Ilya protested. “Is for stress.” 

“No.” 

“What will you give me instead?” Ilya flirted. 

“Oh god,” Hayden said with disgust. “I’m going to puke. Shane buddy, I can have 5 cute boys who don’t smoke  on our doorstep by tomorrow morning. Just say the word.” 

Ilya turned to him, “Your jealousy is ruining our night Pike. Go be pathetic somewhere else.” 

Hayden sat up, “Okay you know what Rozanov, fuck you. Let’s go outside, I’ve been wanting to punch your stupid face for years.” 

Ilya nodded. “Da, okay.” He tapped Shane’s thigh and moved to get off. 

“No! No, what the fuck,” Shane interjected. “Stop guys, okay? Hay, please can we get along. Even just for the next hour?” When Hayden crossed his arms, Shane poured. “Please?” 

Hayden scrubbed his jaw with his hand, petulantly. “Fine. 

Shane looked at Ilya who nodded, unhappily. “Fine lyubimaya moya.” Shane kissed him. 

“This is going to be so hilarious to fuck with,” Bood laughed. “I can’t wait.”

Shane let their friends’ conversations wash over him, fiddling with the gold necklace Ilya had put back on him. He was right where he wanted to be.

*** 

Shane sneezed, wishing on every god and star out there that someone would take him out and every other person on this god forsaken planet. 

He pulled Ilya’s blankets over him, trying not to cough on his boyfriend’s bed. It had been 2 months since the season started and they had a very important game this weekend. 

“Oh lyubimoy moy,” Ilya tutted, when he opened his door. Shane peeked out, “You look so sick.”  

“Fuck you,” Shane sneezed again. “I want to break up.” 

Ilya offered up the bowl in his hands, “I heated some of your mother’s soup she dropped off.” 

Shane stared at him. 

“And I know where we keep the good painkillers.” 

Shane smiled, beckoning him closer. “Breakup done Ilya, will you take me back?”

Ilya laughed at his boyfriend’s silliness. “Every time.”

He set down the plate next to Shane, and climbed next to him.

“I feel bad,” Shane bemoaned miserably. “Everything hurts.”

Ilya kissed the top of his head. “You know what will make you feel better?”

Shane craned his head up to look at his boyfriend. “What?”

“There’s a new episode of that ridiculous show you make me watch. The one with the rich housewives.” 

Shane laughed, causing him to cough. 

“And,” Ilya continued, kissing his nose now. “I made Luca go out and get you your favorite frozen yogurt. With all the boring toppings, of course.”

“Of course,” Shane repeated. 

“My brothers wanted me to tell you to lighten up on the leash, whatever that means.”

Shane beamed, “Don’t pretend you hate my bossiness.” 

Finally, Ilya kissed his lips softly. “I’d never say that lyubimoy moy. I love you.”