Archive of Our Own

Luca: Hi!! This is Luca, it was really nice meeting you 😊

Luca: Luca Haas from the 30 under 30 charity event I mean

Archie: yeah I assumed!! I don’t meet many Lucas lol. and I’ve definitely never met one so cute  

Luca: Oh! :)

Luca: I am not sure I know any Archies. Except the man on Riverdale

Archie: yea he ruined my good name

Archie: and it was nice to meet you too! thank you for saving me from such a boring event

Luca: I feel bad but it really was boring. The speeches were so long and they kept saying the same thing?

Archie: you’re young. you’re the present. and also the future. and also you’re so young

Luca: lol exactly

Archie: and what was up with that straight guy saying we’re all gonna repopulate the earth?!

Luca: Oh I know. That was frightening

Luca: I have to admit, it’s nice to meet a queer person who doesn’t play hockey

Archie: lol do you know a lot of queer people who do play hockey?

Luca: Yes. 3 of my teammates are openly queer

Archie: no shit really? I thought the NHL was super straight except that Steve Hunter guy

Luca: Scott Hunter lol

Archie: oh oops

Archie: please don’t block me because I know fuck all about sports

Luca: I won’t! It’s refreshing

Archie: I get that. being around other models all day gets old fast

Luca: Yes it must be hard to be around hot guys 24/7

Archie: 💀

Archie: hey, you are too and your hot guys are sweaty!

Archie: and apparently gay? is the locker room just like a porno?

Luca: lol no. well, two of them are in a relationship with each other and they do get very flirty sometimes

Luca: but everyone is either married or basically married and monogamous

Archie: even you? are you a child bride?

Luca: No, I’m single

Luca: Hockey keeps me busy. It’s hard to even make friends. So I’m glad I met you!

Archie: Right. Me too

Luca: :)  

Chiron Fan Club

Dykstra: alright, are we gonna discuss the elephant in the room?

Ilya: Elephant? How would you fit one inside a room?

Bood: I honestly can’t believe you don’t have kids with how many dad jokes you make

Ilya: I have tried to put a baby in Shane many times but it has not worked 😢😢😢

Ilya: Shane come downstairs, maybe we try again?

Dykstra: ew wtf

Bood: Roz WHY

Wyatt: Roz…

Shane: I’m so sorry guys

Ilya: Yes sorry we haven’t given birth to a line of Rozanov-Hollanders

Shane: Hollander-Rozanovs actually 

Holmberg: your kids would be frighteningly good at hockey…

Ilya: Exactly!! They will be good at everything

Bood: So what’s the elephant in the room anyways?

Dykstra: Oh! Luca!!!

Luca: What?

Luca: Is this about the stick tape? I am very sorry again Bergy I didn’t mean to use yours

Holmberg: omg I told you 6 times that it’s fine

Luca: Okay. I put a new roll in your stall.

Holmberg: that’s not necessary man

Dykstra: Not that!! Our little Luca is in loooove

Luca: What?

Holmberg: WHAT?

Luca: I’m not in love!!

Dykstra: Why have you been smiling at your phone lately then?

Wyatt: I didn’t want to say anything but I noticed that too…

Ilya: I have not noticed anything

Bood: Yeah because you’re too busy flirting with your husband

Ilya: Can you blame me?

Bood: literally how do you expect me to answer that

Dykstra: So? Who are they Haasy?

Luca: I just made a new friend. I’m not seeing anyone

Holmberg: hmmm

Dykstra: Who’s this friend and how hot are they on a scale from 10-a million

Wyatt: That’s a confusing scale

Dykstra: Who’s this friend and how badly do you wanna fuck them on a scale from 100-1000

Wyatt: Even more confusing

Luca: They’re just a friend. Am I not allowed to have friends that aren’t on the team?

Young: omg

Holmberg: I think that’s the bitchiest thing I’ve ever heard Luca say

Troy: Yeah maybe because you guys are being way too nosy 

Bood: By Haasy standards he just told you to fuck off and die Dykstra

Luca: What? No!!! 

Luca: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude

Ilya: Please be ruder. They are being very annoying

Ilya: Everyone leave Luca alone. Captain’s orders

Dykstra: Boooo! Impending fatherhood has made you boring

Luca: Thank you for asking them to stop

Ilya: Of course

Ilya: You never have to share your private life with anyone

Luca: Thank you

Ilya: But if you did have something to tell your dear captain…he is always here 

Luca: There’s not really anything to tell. But thanks

Ilya: Must be a good friend if you are smiling and blushing at your phone so much 

Luca: I thought you “didn’t notice”?

Ilya: Of course I did. I just said that in case you have something to hide

Luca: I don’t.

Ilya: Okay

Luca: Okay

Ilya: Okay

Luca: Okay

Ilya: Okay

Ilya: Come on, your turn, this is fun 

Archie: omg I’m at a bar and they’re playing a replay of a fight you got into??? are you okay?

Luca: Yes, I’m okay

Archie: oh good, now I can just find it hot

Luca: Haha

Archie: what happened?! it looked intense 

Luca: I don’t usually fight but that team is very mean and homophobic to one of my teammates

Luca: They started mocking him for bottoming for his husband and I just couldn’t let it slide. What’s wrong with being a bottom?!

Archie: absolutely nothing. the world wouldn’t go round without bottoms

Archie: you’re talking about Shane Hollander, right? 

Luca: Yes. I thought you didn’t know any players

Archie: I’ve been looking up your team

Luca: Oh. That’s nice

Archie: and now I have a question and I need you to answer honestly 

Luca: Okay

Archie: is it a requirement for queer hockey players to be hot?! seriously what the hell? why do you all look like models?

Archie: if one more player comes out I’ll be unemployed 

Luca: Hahaha yes it’s odd isn’t it? I’ve always thought the same

Luca: One of them was sort of my gay awakening. So it’s weird to be his colleague now

Archie: omg which one?!

Luca: I shouldn’t say

Archie: if I guess will you tell me if I’m right?

Luca: Maybe

Archie: Ilya Rozanov

Luca: Well that was quick

Archie: I figured you might like tall guys

Luca: I guess maybe I do

Archie: maybe? you don’t know what your own type is?

Luca: I don’t know if I have one. I mostly care about personality. Is that weird?

Archie: no, it’s actually really sweet

Archie: much sweeter than me, who likes tall athletic guys with 6 packs

Luca: Ilya must be right up your alley then

Archie: Nah. Too old. And I like the shyer type

Luca: Ah. I see

Chiron Fan Club

Holmberg: this is an intervention

Dykstra: Oh great, we’re talking about it. Straddling your partner at the bar just doesn’t seem appropriate 

Ilya: It is after your husband beats evil evil team with very sexy goal

Wyatt: Maybe just take it home before it gets to that point…

Ilya: What none of you like the show?

Holmberg: not that

Holmberg: well kinda that

Holmberg: but also Luca’s “friend” wants to fuck him so bad and he’s ignoring every sign

Luca: Excuse me???

Young: brooo u were supposed to be SUBTLE

Holmberg: this can’t stand! after what dykstra said, we kinda snooped on your texts last night. just a little. sorry Luca 

Troy: Seriously?

Bood: That’s fucked guys

Ilya: Go get laid and leave Luca alone

Holmberg: I said sorry! Now we’re even after you used my stick tape without asking 

Bood: Those are so not the same and you know it

Dykstra: I just wanted to rib the kid a little, I didn’t know you guys would go full James Bond, come on

Wyatt: Terrible comparison, Bond’s more skilled in combat than sleuthing

Young: you guys need to look past our methods and Hazy’s inevitable 10 paragraph rant, because this shit is concerning

Young: whoever tf he’s texting goes “I like super hot tall athletes with 6 packs” and Luca goes…”you must like Ilya then”

Bood: Wait is this a prank? He didn’t actually say that, right?

Troy: Okay I’m still very against your snooping but Haasy…

Wyatt: So it’s interesting because some people actually theorize that Bond is a diversion. It makes sense if you think about it. How is he a successful spy when so many of his enemies know his identity?

Dykstra: You fanboyed too close to the sun Luca

Ilya: Aww Luca! How sweet

Luca: It made sense in the context of the conversation!! 

Dykstra: Did it? Did it though?

Bood: You basically set them up with Roz…

Ilya: I am taken but thank you Luca

Luca: It wasn’t a set up!!

Wyatt: And you would think the “best spy in the world” would be more covert. So it begs the question, is he a bad spy or is he actually serving a deeper purpose of drawing out bad guys and allowing the "real" spies to do their jobs?

Young: they weren’t interested anyways. They said Roz was too old

Ilya: WHAT?

Dykstra: oooh that’s gotta hurt cap

Bood: Ouch

Ilya: OLD?

Ilya: O L. D ?????

Shane: Thank you. This is the best day of my life

Bood: lmaooo Holly 😂

Ilya: I am not old!!!

Ilya: Scott Hunter is old! He still uses landline

Ilya: His bones creak so loud they echo when he skates

Ilya: His husband met him volunteering at his nursing home

Wyatt: Fun fact Roz, you’re actually around the same age that Sean Connery was when he first played Bond. The youngest Bond if you don't count Lazenby, which I sure don't

Ilya: SEE even Hazy thinks I’m young! I think.

Bood: You know you’re desperate when you’re using one of Wyatt’s rants as back up…

Young: sorry Roz, didn’t mean to give you a heart attack. I know they come on easily at your age

Troy: lol

Holmberg: 💀

Ilya: SILENCE INFANT!!!

Ilya: I am very young and sexy, everyone says so!!!

Ilya: Luca did you say I am very young and sexy?

Young: he was too busy flirting super badly. after the old thing they were like “and I like the shyer type” and Luca goes “I see” ?? 

Bood: Luca

Dykstra: HAASY

Wyatt: I’m gonna go rewatch Skyfall, this is too painful

Luca: Please never read my texts again

Bood: Yeah okay alternate hat on. I can’t believe I have to say this but don’t snoop through your teammates’ phones, kids

Holmberg: Sorry

Young: Sorry 

Bood: Also, yes, PDA at a bar after a win is obviously fine but full on grinding on your husband’s lap while sitting at a table with half the team is maybe a shred too far

Shane: Sorry

centaurs nursery 

Luca: So I guess you know I’m gay now.

Holmberg: wait what??

Luca: You just texted the main group chat insisting I’m flirting with Archie

Young: who’s Archie?

Luca: The guy whose texts you read?

Young: omg we only had like 5 seconds to read while you were distracted watching the husbands make out. I didn’t even see the contact name

Holmberg: I didn’t either. Or maybe I did idk I don’t remember the messages as well as Young does lol I was goneeee

Luca: Oh

Luca: Okay then I guess you know now

Holmberg: that’s cool man! we love you no matter what gender you’re flirting terribly with 

Young: ^^ yea and if it helps we kinda already thought you were gay! I think that’s why the whole chat was using gender neutral pronouns lmfao

Holmberg: nah we’re just hip and progressive 😎

Young: please never say hip ever again 

LaPointe: Wait what?!

LaPointe: I pick up just to get mediocre head and I miss Luca finally coming out?

Luca: I didn’t come out. Well, I guess I just did

Luca: They read my private messages

Luca: and I’m sorry the head was mediocre

LaPointe: lmfao it’s fine, head is head

Young: amen 

Holmberg: I’m sorry again! We were sooo drunk man. It sounded like a great idea at the time…

Young: Shitty idea though. Sorry

Luca: Oh and were you drunk when you messaged the whole chat a play by play of my texts?

Young: …u got us there

Holmberg: I lowkey miss rookie Haasy who was afraid of us

Holmberg: sorry we accidentally made u out yourself to us though. that majorly sucks 

Luca: It’s fine. I’ve been wanting to tell the team anyways

LaPointe: you should!! we’ll be the gayest team in the league for SURE now

Young: do it, the guys won’t care. what’s the hold up?

Holmberg: omfg everyone comes out at their own pace. you need to watch glee bro

Luca: I love glee

Holmberg: me too!! Klaine rules 

Luca: Santana is my favorite

Holmberg: her cover of Valerie tho 💥🔥 

Luca: Anyways I’m out back home. I just haven’t felt the need to share with the team since I’m not seeing anyone. Seems like a lot of fuss for nothing

Young: bro

Holmberg: you’re kidding

Luca: I’m not!!

Holmberg: Haasy this guy wants to pound your ass like an embarrassing amount. he was like virtually DROOLING

Holmberg: or get his ass pounded? but you’re a bottom right?

LaPointe: obviously 

Young: he’s such a bottom 

LaPointe: team’s second biggest bottom for sure

Young: idk I think he has Holly beat 

Holmberg: okay does anyone else lowkey feel like Holly tops sometimes? like on special occasions?

LaPointe: Special occasions? What, like birthdays?

Holmberg: no more like after Roz gets a hat trick or something 

Young: wait so is Holly topping the prize or Roz getting to bottom? 

LaPointe: oh shit idk, what do you think Luca?

Luca: Please, please stop talking about this. And we’re just friends

Young: is he ugly?

Luca: No. He’s a model

Young: DUDE

Holmberg: if you fumble this I stg Luca 

Luca: There’s nothing to fumble!!

LaPointe: Yeah right. Next you’re gonna tell us you’re a top

Luca: Maybe I am

Young: lmaooo

LaPointe: good one

Holmberg: 💀

Luca: Hi Harris, can I run something by you?

Harris: Of course! Any time ☺️

Luca: I’m considering coming out to the team and I’m wondering if I need to ask management first

Luca: Coming out as gay I mean

Harris: Oh wow!! Well, first of all, congrats! 🎉🏳️‍🌈

Harris: But no, you don’t need anyone’s permission to come out. I’m here to help if you want to go public with it though!

Luca: I don’t think I want to make any formal announcement outside of the team just yet

Harris: Okay, no worries! When are you thinking of telling the boys? Maybe at practice?

Luca: I think I’ll just text the group chat soon

Harris: Bold. I like it

Harris: Sooo I have to ask…does this coming out have anything to do with the increased chirps about you smiling at your phone?

Luca: No

Luca: Well I guess. Holmberg and Young found out I’m gay when they snooped on my phone so I figured I should finally tell the team

Luca: But I have just been texting a new friend

Harris: Interesting

Luca: It’s really not

Harris: Got it…

Harris: Well thank you for trusting me, Luca. I won’t tell anyone, not even Troy ❤️

Luca: You can tell Troy. I will share with the team soon

Harris: Great! 🕺

Harris: I’d say let me know if they give you any trouble but, you know the boys. They’ll probably make you a cake!!

Luca: Oh no

Luca: Do you think there’s a way I can do this without getting any attention?

Harris: Maybe drop it when the group chat is arguing about something and run? But idk I kinda doubt it kiddo…

Luca: 🙃

Luca: I’m thinking about coming out to my team. Can I run the text by you?

Archie: omg of course!!

Luca: Sorry is that weird? I know we don’t know each other very well but I don’t have many gay friends besides my teammates and my ex

Archie: no not weird at all!! I’m happy to help 💖

Archie: and of course you’re a friends with your ex kinda guy

Luca: Yes he is still in Zurich but we’re on good terms. He just didn’t want to date a hockey player

Archie: too many missing teeth?

Luca: Too much distance and busy schedules

Archie: ah

Archie: okay so what’s your practice text?

Luca: Okay here is what I have

Luca: Hello everyone. I’m gay

Archie: oh is that it? sorry I thought there would be another text

Luca: No

Luca: I’m thinking of adding something like “Please do not react to this”

Archie: I gotta be honest, I’m not sure you can request that

Luca: Ugh

Luca: This is why I don’t want to come out! I don’t want all the attention on me

Archie: is your team homophobic?

Luca: No but they are intense. Just a lot of love to give 

Luca: I’m not complaining! But I don’t like attention

Archie: don’t you play for thousands of fans and a televised audience every night?

Luca: that’s different. no one’s watching just for me. well, besides my family 

Archie: and me as of this week!

Luca: Really?

Archie: yup. I got an ESPN package and everything

Luca: Wow thank you. Can I watch your next runway show?

Archie: not unless you have plans to be in Milan next month

Luca: I wish

Archie: there will def be some videos online after though!!

Luca: Good

Luca: I loved your spread in vogue. You’re so elegant

Archie: aww thank you!

Luca: I don’t know how you do it. Harris is always making me pose for the website/social media and I hate it

Archie: Harris? 

Luca: Oh he’s our social media person. He’s also gay, he’s dating my teammate 

Archie: I’m starting to think Ottawa is gayer than LA

Luca: Only in NHL locker rooms

Archie: 💀

Archie: if it’s any consolation, I don’t know how you do what you do. I can’t even skate and you’re out here playing professional sports on ice?!

Luca: You can’t skate?!

Archie: nope. I grew up near Portland and it’s not really a casual pastime there 

Archie: actuallyyyy I’ll be in Montreal for a gig next month. would you wanna meet up maybe? I can teach you to pose if you teach me to skate!

Luca: That sounds like fun. As long as I don’t have a game or mandatory practice, I’m there

Archie: you don’t have a game, I already checked ☺️

Luca: Okay, as long as I don’t have a practice I can’t miss, it’s a date

Luca: I mean not a date

Luca: I’m just excited to see you again

Archie: yea me too

Luca: :)

Chiron Fan Club

Holmberg: need you guys to settle a debate

Young: omg DO NOT SEND IT HERE I WILL KILL YOU

Wyatt: ???

Dykstra: Please send whatever it is now, immediately 

Holmberg: [image attached, tap to download]

Holmberg: Is this pic real or not? Asking for a friend who’s totally getting catfished (the friend is Young)

LaPointe: broooo

Dykstra: Eesh. Yeaaah you’re being catfished

Shane: Looks real to me

Ilya: Ignore my gay husband he has no idea what a real woman looks like. This photo is fake

Shane: I’m not too gay to have eyes Ilya

Bood: Yeah, I think it's fake. I mean it’s probably real but she edited the SHIT out of it 

Holmberg: THANK YOU!!

Wyatt: I guess the question is at what point in the editing process do we stop being our "real" selves?

Luca: Hello I have something to share that is not a big deal

Ilya: Is everything okay?

Bood: What’s up?

Luca: I’m gay

Luca: Also I think the photo is real. I hope you’re happy together Young

Young: Thanks Haasy!! 🌈

Shane: Proud of you for sharing that with us Luca

Ilya: Don’t listen to him Young. No votes for gays

Young: wtf that’s so homophobic

Ilya: How can I be homophobic?

Shane: You’re homophobic to me all the time

Ilya: Saying you are super gay is not homophobic. Just a fact

Shane: Not that

Ilya: Oh you mean calling you a slutty bottom? Also a fact

Shane: Please stop guessing

Bood: Seconding that 

Bood: Thank you for sharing with us Luca!!

Bood changed the group chat name to Haasy Fan Club

Luca: Oh, that’s not necessary

Luca changed the group chat name to Chiron Fan Club

Ilya: Nooo let us love youuuu

Ilya changed the group chat name to Haasy Fan Club

Luca: Fine…

LaPointe: you fold so fast for Roz lmfao, not exactly a secret that you’re gay man

Ilya: Hey! Everyone loves me. Gay, straight, bisexual, dogs

Young: mmm last I heard you were losing fans for being too old

Ilya: Last I heard you kiss stock photos every night

Shane: Wait is that why you were asking me the word for stock photo? Seriously Ilya?

Troy: Good for you Luca, thanks for telling us. And the photo is fake

Ilya: Barrett is the only gay I trust

Troy: Thanks?

Dykstra: Omg kid!! We’re totally the gayest team in the league now. Suck it New York!!

Bood: No one make the obvious homophobic joke or you’ll pay at practice tomorrow

Ilya: The real joke is New York ever being gayer. We are so much gayer 

Young: I heard one of New York’s rookies is gay. Bledel?

LaPointe: I heard that everyone thought that but he was just European

Luca: Bledel isn’t gay. We were drafted together and he talked about his girlfriend a lot

Ilya: So? Shane had a girlfriend when he was drafted. He dumped her when he saw me though

Dykstra: Wait what? 

Bood: I’m only like 30% sure you’re joking and that frightens me

Wyatt: Real talk, I’ve never understood the whole gay or European thing

Dykstra: I think this team proves that it’s gay AND European

Young: totally

Holmberg: okay but now that Luca’s out are we allowed to bully him for his hard on for Archie in the main chat

Young: yes

LaPointe: yes

Luca: No

Luca: I mean there’s no “hard on”

Holmberg: those quotes prove NOTHING

Dykstra: Who the fuck is Archie???

Bood: Yeah seriously??

Holmberg: Luca’s “new friend” who he tried to set up with Roz

Luca: It wasn’t a set up! It was a joke

Ilya: How is me being hot a joke?

Shane: I heard that you’re old, actually

Ilya: Shane. Do you want to sleep on the couch tonight?

Bood: Roz no one believes that threat for a second lol

Dykstra: Yeah we all saw the great plane “no cuddles?!” tantrum

Holmberg: shit which one?

Ilya: So Luca tell us about Archie!!!

Luca: He’s just a friend like I said

Dykstra: So you coincidentally started blushing looking at your phone all the time and then came out to us?

Luca: I’m not blushing

Holmberg: you’re literally always blushing these days 

Bood: Yeah wait you totally pulled a Barrett

Troy: A what?

Bood: It’s when you come out because you started dating a cool, hot dude

LaPointe: niche but I’m here for it

Wyatt: Wait shouldn’t that be pulling a Hunter?

Bood: Shit

Bood: Okay it’s when you come out to the centaurs because you started dating a cool hot dude

LaPointe: that’s REALLY niche

Dykstra: Also I hate to say this, but we don’t actually know if he’s cool or hot

Holmberg: he’s apparently a model so he probably is

Bood: WHAT? And you’re hiding him from us Luca?

Wyatt: Like actually a model or is that Luca’s way of calling him hot?

Ilya: Good question

Luca: That would be creepy. He’s a model, it’s his job

Ilya: Hmmm

Bood: Hmmm

LaPointe: Hmmm

Dykstra: Hmmm

Luca: Please stop whatever this is

Archie: just wanted to say I had a lovely time today!! I hope you did too even if I fell down 29383 times

Luca: You did great! You were an amazing student :)

Archie: it’s very nice of you to lie to me

Archie: now will you please be nice enough to share the secret ingredient in your hot cocoa?

Luca: Sorry, I can’t. It’s a family secret

Archie: is it Swiss Miss?

Luca: Ew no. Swiss Miss isn’t real hot chocolate, please don’t insult me

Archie: lol I guess you’re the expert!!

Archie: I’m sorry we got swarmed at the rink a bit, btw 

Luca: No problem. That’s happened once or twice when I’m with Shane or Ilya

Archie: it doesn’t happen to you?

Luca: Not really, no. I’m not as famous and I think I’m like Clark Kent

Archie: because you don’t wear your glasses on the ice?

Luca: Exactly

Archie: I like the glasses. they’re cute

Luca: Thank you :)

Luca: I had a really nice time too. Let me know when you have an idea of when you’ll be in Montreal next. Hopefully I’ll be in town

Archie: it should be in a few weeks. my fingers are crossed! 🤞 

Haasy Fan Club

Holmberg: what…the fuck

Bood: What?

Holmberg: WHAT THE FUCK

Dykstra: This team is so dramatic. Just get to the point 

Holmberg: LUCA GABRIEL HAAS

Luca: Gabriel?

Holmberg: this is a full name occasion so I made up a middle name for you

Luca: I don’t have a middle name

Holmberg: WELL YOU DO NOW

Ilya: Why are you interrupting my special time with Shane to say nothing?

Wyatt: Please don’t elaborate on what said special time is

Shane: We’re making a pie

Bood: Is that a euphemism?

Ilya: I wish 😔

Troy: It’s not, Harris gave them apples for it

Wyatt: Aww you guys are so domesticated

Holmberg: LUCA!!!

Luca: What?

Holmberg: Is your “pal” and “buddy” “Archie”…Archibald Simmons?

Luca: I don’t understand all the quotation marks but yes. Why?

Young: wait WHAT????

Holmberg: oh my fucking god

Holmberg: if u fumble this i will actually smother u with a pillow on our next road trip bro

Luca: Stop saying that, there’s nothing to “fumble”

Holmberg: oh now he gets the quotes

Young: sorry this is fucking insane

Bood: What’s going on? Who’s Archibald Simmons?

Wyatt: Oh thank god I didn’t wanna ask

Holmberg: you’re all too old to know who he is. we need pointy here

Ilya: I know who he is!!

Shane: He’s lying. I’m watching him Google it right now

Ilya: SHANE

Bood: haha you’re the best spy Holly

Dykstra: I’m googling too. Wow. This guy is scary attractive

Wyatt: Yeah he looks like he smells amazing

Dykstra: What?

Bood: I think his cheekbones could be legally classified as a weapon, damn. Good for you Haasy!!!

Young: @LaPointe we need you

LaPointe: What? I have company 😏

Ilya: Aww all my children are getting laid

Bood: Ew maybe don’t phrase it like that

Young: Pointy no one cares about the rando you pulled at a bar when Luca’s having phone sex with Archibald Simmons

LaPointe: WHAT??)?

LaPointe: WHAT THE FUCK LUCA???? 

LaPointe: wait why have you been pretending not to date him then? I assumed he was ugly. Or closeted

Luca: We’re not dating

Holmberg: MY GOOGLE ALERTS SAY OTHERWISE

Holmberg: TMZ: Archibald Simmons’ Ice Skating Date with Closeted NHL Star

Bood: Wait you have Google alerts set up in Luca’s name?

Holmberg: yeah and young’s and pointy’s 

Wyatt: aww that’s actually kind of sweet

Young: omg you’re obsessed with meee

Holmberg: not like I ever get any notifications for your unpopular ass

Young: 🖕

Bood: Wait Troy ask Harris if we can get this article taken down. It’s all kinds of fucked

Luca: This is so weird. Who are these sources close to me that say I’m “terrified to take the next step”?

Ilya: They just make them up. My close sources say I’m cheating on Shane once a week

Bood: Your actual close sources say you’re a boring old man who gets off on deep cleaning bathrooms with his husband

Ilya: 🖕

Bood: You totally just sent that middle finger emoji because Young did and you wanna seem youthful

Ilya: 🖕🖕🖕

Holmberg: okay I lowkey agree with the fictional sources though. why aren’t you hitting that?

Young: ^^ this dude goes viral twice a month just for Being Hot

Wyatt: Wait we all believe they’re not together? They’re holding hands in those photos

Holmberg: I go back and forth

Luca: We aren’t holding hands. He just asked me to teach him to skate.

Holmberg: bro

Holmberg: who’s gonna take this one?

Ilya: I will

Ilya: Luca. “Teach me to skate” means “I want to hold your hand and after I will fuck you so hard you forget your name”

Bood: Literally. Girls have been asking me to “teach them how to skate” since I was 14

Shane: That’s why they ask that? I was always confused because they seemed to already know how to skate

Ilya: Oh sweetheart

Wyatt: I can’t tell if that’s really gay or just oblivious

Ilya: Both

Wyatt: But yeah teaching people to skate is like. The move. That was the first date I took my high school girlfriend on 

Bood: So did you take him back to your place after?

Luca: Yes but just to drink hot chocolate

Bood: bro

Dykstra: What are you, a Swiss elf?

Wyatt: Aww guys it’s kind of sweet. It’s like a hallmark movie. He’s courting him!!

Ilya: I don’t understand. Is hot chocolate code for blowjob or anal? 

Bood: omg stop you’re gonna scare him off

Luca: He was cold and I make good hot chocolate

Holmberg: you do. I bet he really wants to fuck you now. that would work on me if I was gay

Young: I think Simmons is bi. Didn’t he date that Kardashian knock off last year?

Holmberg: whatever. The point is he wants to fuck you Luca

Young: He’s just never gonna respond is he

Holmberg: nope

Ilya: Have you slept with a man before?

Luca: Yes? Why?

Ilya: What is the problem then?

Ilya: Luca?? Why are you not sleeping with him?

Luca: I don’t want to

Ilya: Those pictures are blurry and I can still see you want to suck his dick

Ilya: Sorry, Shane says I should “take a gentler approach”

Ilya: What’s wrong with him?

Luca: There’s nothing wrong. I just like being his friend

Luca: If we dated it would fizzle out very quickly anyways. He lives in LA

Ilya: So? You’re both rich people who travel for work

Ilya: And phones exist. Phone sex is very good. I will buy you tripods

Luca: Oh that's not necessary

Ilya: Ugh hold on

Ilya: Shane is being annoying. Now we can all talk and he can give you boring advice

Shane: Hi Luca 

Luca: Hi?

Shane: I just wanted to say we’re here for you if you need anything. I know it’s not easy to be a young gay player, even if others have come out

Ilya changed the group chat name to Family Group Chat 👨‍❤️‍👨👼

Luca: Thank you

Ilya: Shane wants you to fuck the hot mean model too. He is just being a polite Canadian

Luca: He’s not mean

Ilya: He calls me old!!

Luca: I think he just meant you’re too old for him

Ilya: But you’re not

Ilya: So you should have sex with him 

Shane: What Ilya means to say is that it’s not easy being in a relationship while playing hockey, but it can be worth it for the right person

Ilya: And the right person is this hot model that is desperate to fuck you

Luca: I just don’t want to ruin our friendship. It’s come to mean a lot to me

Ilya: There is nothing to ruin!!!

Ilya: A boyfriend is a best friend you have sex with

Luca: I just miss my family so much. I’m not sure I’d be able to take missing anyone else

Shane: I get that but it sounds like in this case, it could be worth it

Luca: I don’t know…

Ilya: Luca. You look up to me, yes?

Luca: Yes

Ilya: And you respect my opinion as your captain, yes?

Luca: Of course

Ilya: My opinion is you should let this man rail you

Shane: You can’t use your status as captain to make Luca have gay sex

Ilya: Then what is the point of being captain?!

Luca: I appreciate the advice. Really. But I’m happy just being his friend

Ilya: Ughhhh

Ilya: Fine. I am going to make pie but none for you Haasy! Only people who have gotten laid in last 2 days get pie 

Ilya: Actually last 2 hours. You will have to work for your pie too Shane

Shane: Really? I thought this was a family group chat

Ilya: We are a very open minded family

Haasy Fan Club

Holmberg: okay this is getting ridiculous

Holmberg: TMZ: Archibald Simmons and NHL Star on Cozy Dinner Date

Wyatt: I’m getting kinda offended that Luca’s always just “NHL star”

Shane: That’s how it was when I was dating Rose too

Ilya: Dating who? Never heard of her

Bood: Man there’s photos of you dating like 29393 women and Holly’s not allowed to date ONE?

Ilya: No

Shane: 🙄

Bood: Also these articles continue to be so creepy

Troy: Yeah I talked to Harris and he says to just ignore them, basically. He’s already talked to Luca about it

Troy: A straight player wouldn’t put out a statement after this so he shouldn’t have to 

Wyatt: So true!!

Ilya: What would this statement even be? “A hot man wants to fuck me but I cockblock myself everyday for fun” ???

Holmberg: 💀

Ilya: “I love my blue balls” -NHL star Luca Haas

Bood: Stooop 😂

Young: can we talk about the mutual heart eyes tho

Holmberg: obviously

LaPointe: I’m lowkey jealous, Haasy never smiles at us like that :’(

Shane: I’m jealous that they see each other more than Ilya and I did when we were long distance. Why is he always in Montreal?

Luca: He has family here so he takes gigs in the area when he can

Luca: And Bergy please turn off your google notifications for my name

Holmberg: no. In fact, I’m gonna turn them on harder

Luca: ???

Family Group Chat 👨‍❤️‍👨👼

Ilya: If you are looking at him like that, you already miss him

Ilya: What is there to lose?

Luca: I thought you said I don’t have to share anything about my private life...

Ilya: Yes because I knew you had big gay secret. Now that you are out to us, who cares?

Shane: I’m not sure that’s how privacy works

Ilya: Whatever. Answer my question Luca

Luca: It all just sounds complicated

Ilya: No. He is hot, he likes you, you fuck. Very easy

Shane: If you don't mind me asking, are you going to see him when we play LA?

Luca: Yes, when we were at dinner I invited him to the game

Shane: So maybe just meet up with him after and see how it feels

Ilya: By it he means Archie’s dick on your prostate

Luca: 😯

Shane: ILYA

Ilya: Okay fine that was maybe too far

Shane: Only MAYBE?

Archie: engaging in peak heterosexuality for you (watching a hockey game with my step brother and his aggressively straight friends)

Luca: lol for me? I’m not even playing

Archie: yeah we’re watching a Toronto/Boston game. I figure I should try to understand the rules before I see you play in LA!

Archie: who should I be rooting for tho

Luca: Definitely Boston. Toronto are assholes

Luca: and Boston was my team before I got drafted 

Archie: got it, I’m officially booing Toronto

Archie: the straights keep shouting at the refs so I’m joining in but I feel bad. they’re just doing their jobs??

Luca: Haha you’re very sweet. I promise they've probably earned every boo

Archie: okay but I can’t believe part of your job is going in time out. that’s adorable

Luca: lol that’s one word for it

Archie: oh fuck they’re fightingggg

Archie: omfg why do you think this tall guy’s so mad? are you watching?

Luca: I’m not! I’m at a hotel and I’m rooming with my teammate who put on Jumanji lol

Archie: ugh I wanna be watching jumanji right now

Archie: wait pretend I didn’t say that. I love sports so much

Luca: Uh huh sureee

Archie: it’s just a lot more fun when I’m rooting for you!!

Luca: Aww :)

Archie: okay my brother and his friends found out I’m texting you and they’re now all yelling at me simultaneously

Archie: my brother says I should apologize for being “stupid about hockey” in your “presence”

Luca: You’re not being stupid! You’re learning

Archie: you are once again too good for this world

Archie “fuck the centaurs but haas could, like, get it” -my brother’s very straight, very drunk friend

Luca: haha

Archie: they’re talking about Ilya Rozanov’s ass now. what have I done?

Luca: It’s a good ass

Luca: Don’t tell him or anyone I said that

Archie: pretty sure that’s an objective fact but your secret’s safe with me 🤐

Archie: oh by the way! loook what I got to wear to the game next week!!

Archie: [image attached, tap to download]

Archie: I know it’s kind of big but my brother said that’s normal for jerseys? idk, you’re my first!!

centaurs nursery

Holmberg: alert alert 🚨 Luca’s full on sexting while we’re watching jumanji

Young: bro u gotta get a life and stop live texting Haasy’s lmao

Young: but also…that’s foul

Luca: I wasn’t sexting!!!

Holmberg: He literally slammed his phone down on the bed and he’s BRIGHT RED

Holmberg: like stoplight red

Holmberg: Centaurs jersey red

LaPointe: get it Luca

LaPointe: Young and I are heading out to a bar to pick up, you guys wanna come along?

Holmberg: nah I’m good

Luca: I’m fine, thanks 

LaPointe: you’re both coming

Luca: ☹️

LaPointe: don’t give me that face

Holmberg: I’m tiredddd and we’re watching jumanjiiii

Holmberg: Well, I am. Luca’s getting dick pics

Luca: I am not!!

Luca: I’m also watching Jumanji. This movie is scary

LaPointe: if you wanna see something even scarier, come watch Young get shot down by girls

Young: I changed my mind, let’s have a Robin Williams movie marathon

LaPointe: shut up and get in the uber losers

Luca: hiiii imrlyys sorry I didn’t respond

Luca: I didntde know what to say bc u r very very pretty wearing my jersey and it sort of made me feel ill

Luca: But I realize now I left u on read which is so so rude and I hope u will maybe forgive me one day

Archie: are you drunk? Is Calder winner Luca Haas drunk texting me right now?

Luca: Do not call me that u will make me blush ahain

Luca: How do u eben know I won the Calder?

Archie: Wikipedia baby

Luca: Oh

Luca: ielike that

Archie: Like what?

Luca: u calling me baby

Luca: Oh no

Archie: What baby?

Luca: ajksei

Luca: A girl hit on me and I got frightened

Archie: lmaooo noooo

Luca: I panicked, told her iwas texting my girlfriend

Luca: Then she offered to have a threesome ???

Archie: hot

Luca: Not for me

Archie: threesomes or women?

Luca: Women

Luca: threszomes maybe, women no

Archie: noted

Luca: Archie!!!!

Archie: what?

Luca: Can we get in b out

Luca: in n out!

Archie: aren’t you in Jersey?

Luca: I mean when in la!

Luca: When I’m in LA**

Luca: I’ve never been

Archie: yeah totally!!

Luca: Yay

Luca: a nice friendly burger :))

Archie: maybe go eat something now? and drink water?

Luca: V v smart ur so smart

Luca: Opl say models are dumb. Why? Because they haven’t met youuuu

Luca: Okay goodbye mr Simmons

Archie: Bye baby

centaurs nursery

Luca: weheree did everyone goooo

Luca: A girl asked me to have a threesome and I am scared :(

LaPointe: BRO WHO? WHERE????

LaPointe: Haasy if u don’t send her my way i stg g

Holmberg: no send her my waaaay

Holmberg: and young picked up already, and pointy and I are getting more drinks, remember?

Luca: Right ok

Luca: Can you get me water please?

Holmberg: already planning on it

Luca: Thank you

Luca: idk where threesome girl went I’m so sorry

LaPointe: boooo

Luca: Sorry! I got distracted

LaPointe: by who? 👀

Luca: Just texting archie 

LaPointe: sexting or texting

Luca: Texting!!

Luca: I think

LaPointe: you think???

Luca: Is it sexting if he calls me baby

Luca: No that’s sfupid ik it’s not 

LaPointe: OMFG

Holmberg: BROOO

Holmberg: i think the nude he sent u earlier is what makes it secting

Luca: Not a nude!! He was just wearing my jersey

Luca: and he looked very pretty

Holmberg: BRO AOSNSND

LaPointe: that’s basically a nude my man

Holmberg: was his dick out?

Luca: What? No!!

Luca: But his shorts were very short

Luca: So short…

LaPointe: omg i love drunk Haasy

Holmberg: it’s like he finally remembered it’s legal to be horny

Luca: Shut upppp

Young: HELP LUCA HELP

Luca: What. ?are you okay?

Young: the girl i went home w wants to peg me

Young: what do ido

Holmberg: omfgggg

Luca: You can say no

Young: idk i kinda wanna but im scared!!! is it gonna hurt?

Young: im hiding in the bathroom 😭 I like cleaned up down there but I’m too scared to go back out

LaPointe: plsss lmao

Holmberg: just go back out there and take it like a man

Young: oh like either of you have ever been pegged before

Holmberg: …no comment

Luca: Just talk to her. Make sure she's going to prep you first

Young: prep me?!!! what like emotionally?

Luca: What? No like finger you

Young: oh okay yea

Young: i think i need the emotional prep too 

Luca: Youllbe fine. It won’t hurt if she uses enough lube and preps u

Luca: how big is her dildo? 

Young: idk!!!

Young: like smaller than me i think?

Luca: Am I supposed to know how big you are??

Young: idk we all shower together!!

Luca: Just ask her to use your smallest dildo

Luca: her**

Young: bro no that’s so embarrassing

Young: aaaaaah

Luca: It’s not embarrassing, tell her you’ve never done it before

Young: ajajhhhhhh

Luca: Young you need to calm down or you aren’t going to be able to take it 

Luca: your body needs to be relaxed.Breathe 

Holmberg: Haasy giving sex ed is my new favorite thing lmfao

LaPointe: Luca when do u even get laid?

Luca: 🤷‍♂️

Holmberg: wtf does that mean

Young: okay. Okay. I can do this

Luca: you can. Dep breaths

Luca: Wow I can’t believe none of you have gotten fucked before. Thats actually very sad :( 

Holmberg: LMAO

LaPointe: Haasy 💀

Young: I’ll make u proud Haasy I swear

Luca: Okay maybe don’t do it for me, that’s weird 

Luca: Do u ever feel v bad for straight ppl 

Luca: also hi

Archie: Hi!! Drinking water?

Luca: yes yes thank you

Archie: good

Archie: and yes, I do feel bad for straight people

Luca: Their prostate is a stranger to them ??? That makes me sad

Luca: Sorry is that too much 

Archie: not at all, I love drunk Luca

Archie: I still can’t believe how much gay sex hockey players have though 

Luca: It’s been a little while for me honestly

Luca: Too long

Archie: oh yeah?

Luca: Yeah. Yup.

Luca: Okay goodbye!!!

Haasy Fan Club

Young: mission get pegged was a success boys

Bood: Mission WHAT? 

Wyatt: Wow. Ya know, everyday it amazes me how different this team is from Toronto

Wyatt: Oh and congrats!! 🎊

Ilya: HAHA okay I am very happy for you Young! Should we throw a party?

Young: FUCK wrong chat

Young unsent a message

Ilya: Noooo I want to hear more

Troy: ???

centaurs nursery

Young: mission get pegged was a success boys

Holmberg: let’s gooooo!!!! 

Luca: Yes it must have been if you were out of it enough to message the wrong chat

Young: Oh fuck OFF

LaPointe: Luca’s getting too brave these days, I’m scared

Luca: Okay but everyone forget whatever I said in the chat last night, thank you

Luca: I deeply regret the 10% I remember

Young: I will not be forgetting all your great advice!!

Holmberg: we need deets. how small was it lmao

Luca: Hey, there’s no shame in starting small. If you have a choice…

Holmberg: bro what? that’s so ominous

LaPointe: Haasy out here taking 10 inch dicks on the first try lmao

Holmberg: totally THE biggest bottom in the NHL 🫡

Young: I asked if she had something small and this chick had OPTIONS. It was lowkey small like 4 or so inches I’m not ashamed to admit

Young: but boys…Haasy was right…we have been missing out!!!

Young: why haven’t I been doing this the whole time??

Holmberg: why am i jealous rn lol

Young: YOU SHOULD BE

Luca: I am happy for you but also way too hungover for this

Young: nooo I need dildo recs pls

LaPointe: damn, you’re addicted

Luca: Ask Ilya, he’ll be thrilled to help you

Young: yeah maybe he should give u recs too. 1 week til LA and I know that ass hasn’t been tapped in awhile, open that shit back up

LaPointe: dude gets pegged once and thinks he’s the ass play messiah

Luca: Please leave me alone. Nothing is going to happen in LA

Holmberg: don’t try us, we know now about Archie wearing your jersey with the little short shorts

LaPointe: and calling you BABY!!!

Luca: What?

Luca: Oh god

Luca: Hi, I’m so sorry, I was very drunk

Luca: I realize now that you weren’t actually calling me baby at first haha

Archie: I didn’t mind at all baby

Luca: ☺️

Luca: Sorry about the weird prostate talk, oh my goodness. One of my teammates was getting pegged for the first time and asked me for advice so it was on my mind

Archie: damn good for him!!

Archie: It’s seriously fine. I have a very important question for you now though…

Luca: Yes?

Archie: did you really wanna get in n out next week?

Luca: Oh yes, I would! Maybe after the game?

Archie: I’d love that. bring on the friendly burgers

Luca: Haha

Ilya: Okay we must give everyone dildos. Young is playing much better after being pegged

Bood: That sounds like an HR nightmare but I was honestly thinking the same thing lol

Ilya: When we go to LA and Haasy gets laid, we will be unstoppable

Bood: 😂

Archie: I have my jersey, I have some stupidly overpriced popcorn, and I’m ready to watch you scoreeee!!!

Archie: [image attached, tap to download]

Archie: wait don’t look at that selfie til after, I don’t want to make you ill before the game lmao

Archie: omg I feel like such a traitor booing LA, but I am indeed booing LA

Archie: boo BOOO!!!

Archie: omg hell yea!! Your gay awakening is really good. I feel like you’re attracted to competency and I respect it

Archie: AAAAH!! U assisted! I know what that means, see, I’m learning

Archie: oh wow that replay is hot

Archie: posted a pic on my insta story and my brother is threatening murder for my seats lmao. Thank you again!!

Archie: WOOOO go Shane!! Go bottoms!!!

Archie: omggg the other hot gay guy is maaad

Archie: barrett, right!

Archie: oh wow I was not prepared for that jumbotron appearance lol hiiii

Archie: I can’t believe some people booed my jersey! this environment is very hostile 

Archie: aaaand another goal! do you think the LA goalie will cry tonight? 

Archie: omg now I’m booing the ref with my whole chest!! Free my boy, you did nothing wrong!!

Archie: at least LA hasn’t scored again

Archie: Yaaaaay!! Congrats! burgers on me ☺️

Luca: Hi!! I’ll be out soon, I love these live updates haha. I hope you had fun?

Archie: I had so much fun! You’re amazing to watch

Luca: Thank you 😊

Luca: Where does your brother live? I can get him tickets the next time we play near him

Archie: he lives in LA actually. I just kinda wanted it to be the 2 of us tonight

Luca: Ah I see

Luca: I’m really looking forward to it

Archie: me too :) 

centaurs nursery

Holmberg: I’m not trying to start shit but I am in fact trying to start shit

Holmberg: someone didn’t come back to our room last night

LaPointe: was it you? Did you finally lose your virginity?

Holmberg: fuck uuuu

Young: okay but DID IT HAPPEN? DID LUCA HAAS GET RAILED BY A CALVIN KLEIN MODEL

Holmberg: idk but he’s still not here and I’m lowkey worried??

Young: oh fuck

Luca: Hey, sorry, sorry, I’m running late. Can you cover for me?

Young: RUNNING LATE HE SAYS

LaPointe: ohhh they were going at it at 8 am lmfao get it Luca

Holmberg: How late?

Luca: We’re 10 minutes away but traffic’s terrible

Holmberg: we???

Luca: Archie’s driving me

LaPointe: awww a gentleman

Young: I think maybe you’ve just gotta own it then bro

Luca: Ugh

Holmberg: why are you so ashamed of bagging a hot dude?

Young: is it an internalized homophobia thing maybe?

Holmberg: 2 weeks ago you didn’t even know what that meant I stg. That dildo changed you

Young: technically, it was a strap

Holmberg: oh well if it was a STRAP

Luca: No it’s not that

LaPointe: I think it’s more like a Luca being embarrassed by his whole existence thing

Luca: It’s just very new. I don’t want everyone to make a big deal of it. What if it doesn’t last?

Holmberg: stop catastrophizing for 5 seconds and just enjoy yourself

Luca: Okay fine

Young: !!!

Holmberg: Good. and tell us EVERYTHING!! How was it?!

Young: How long did he prep you for? I lowkey felt like that part went on for awhile

LaPointe: omg stop

Holmberg: yeah maybe because you were scared shitless. Poor girl probably felt like she was taming a feral cat

LaPointe: 💀

LaPointe: I do wanna know how Archie is in the sack tho

Luca: I’m not answering any of that but I really like him :) 

Holmberg: YAAAY

LaPointe: fucking FINALLY

Holmberg: he just needed to see archie in his jersey irl and then it was fucking over lmfao

Luca: Yes I think he was aware of that…

Holmberg: lmaooo boy has moooves

LaPointe: moves and the patience of a saint

Young: he said “I WILL dick this man down, so help me god”

Holmberg: guys we should wait outside, I wanna meet him!

Luca: Oh God please don’t

Luca: He’s coming to Ottawa in a few weeks. If you promise to act normal, I’ll introduce you

Holmberg: omg we’ll be SO NORMAL

Young: we’ll be the most normal

Luca: This isn’t encouraging at all

Luca: and Bergy please please cover for me?

Holmberg: I will, but only if you give us the dirty details

Luca: Ugh

Holmberg: One single detail?

Luca: Fine. I’ll answer one question later. I need to stop ignoring Archie

LaPointe: oh yeah fuck us, talk to your boy!!

Luca: :) 

Haasy Fan Club

Ilya: Children, where the hell are you?

Holmberg: cominggg sooon

Bood: ?? You were supposed to be downstairs 5 minutes ago

Holmberg: sorry, I’m stuck in the bathroom

Wyatt: What in the world does that mean?

Bood: have you tried pushing instead of pulling 

Dykstra: Wait like you’re having diarrhea or the door won’t open?

Holmberg: the door won’t open! It’s so weird but, ya know, cheap hotels

Ilya: Bergy, what on earth are you talking about?

Holmberg: the door! It’s broken!

Ilya: Ah, I see. Luca is out getting laid and you’re covering for him

Holmberg: no!!!

Bood: @Luca, just tell us when you’re getting there

Luca: I’ll be there in 5, I’m so sorry

Luca: And Bergy, please never lie for me again

Young: lmaooo

Dykstra: okay but Luca finally boned the model?

Wyatt: Good going kid!

Ilya: Now I do not have to lock you in a room with condoms and lube

Dykstra: how are we celebrating?! 

Luca: We’re not

Ilya: I will order a cake

Luca: Please don’t

Ilya: The frosting will say “I had sex with a beautiful model” and only me and Luca are allowed to eat it 

Shane: Hey, my husband’s done some modeling too!

Ilya: Okay Shane can have a piece since he is so cute and his husband is very sexy 😊

LaPointe: I slept with a model once, I want a piece!

Ilya: Stop. We have had enough lies for one day 

centaurs nursery

Holmberg: okay we have our question!!

Luca: Wait is that why you guys were huddled up on the bus whispering?

Holmberg: yes! we don’t wanna waste this

Young: that’s why we’re asking over text, so you can’t run away

Luca: I can just ignore the group chat

Young: ugh okay fine if you do that, I’ll DM Archie about the time you wet the bed

Luca: I DIDN’T WET THE BED I told you, I spilled some sprite

Young: yet no one has ever seen you drink sprite…

Holmberg: your pants were wet

Luca: From the sprite!!! 

Holmberg: whatever. we wanna know how many times Archie made u come

Luca: Ew why?!

LaPointe: because if we ask you something subjective, you’ll talk around it. This way you have to stick to the facts

Luca: You guys are very weird

Luca: Do you think other NHL teams talk about this in their group chats? 

Holmberg: stop dodging the question!!

Luca: Ugh

Luca: I don’t want to talk about this at the airport, Wyatt’s giving me a funny look now

LaPointe: that’s because goalies are mind readers. I’ll put out other thoughts to distract him. answer the question! 

Luca: I didn’t exactly keep count.

LaPointe: it’s THAT MANY?

Young: I’m telling you guys, the wonders of your prostate

LaPointe: I will remove you from the chat and replace you with Troy, don’t test me

Young: Troy who also knows the wonders of his prostate…

LaPointe: I stg 

Holmberg: we still haven’t gotten an answer. I lied for you! To our captain!

Luca: You lied terribly. The deal should be off

Holmberg: omg that’s not how deals work!!

LaPointe: can’t you just tell us because you love us?

Luca: What does how many times I came have to do with my love for you?!

LaPointe: friends share!!

Luca: If I tell you will you leave me alone?

Young: yes

Holmberg: yes!!

Luca: Fine. Idk like 5 times? There now let me nap

Holmberg: FIVE????

Holmberg: I wanna be gay in my next life wtf

LaPointe: I have so many questions

Luca: You said you’d leave me alone!!

Young: Yeah because we thought you’d say like 2, not FIVE

Luca: It was like 3 last night and 2 this morning. I can’t believe you care about this at all

LaPointe: that makes me feel only slightly better

Holmberg: wait didn’t you get IN N OUT before?

Luca: Yes

Holmberg: Olympic level bottoming fr

Luca: I was very nervous so I didn't eat much

Holmberg: still!!

Young: I wish u were out so I could post about being besties with the NHL’s biggest bottom

Luca: Even if I was out you shouldn’t do that???

Young: but the world deserves to know that you taught me how to get pegged!!

Luca: It really doesn’t 

Luca: Hi! Just wanted you to know I got to Seattle safely

Archie: omg good! I was literally about to check in like an overbearing weirdo

Luca: Not overbearing or weird. I did almost die in a plane crash once, so

Archie: WHAT?

Luca: Oh I forgot you don’t follow NHL news. It’s fine. I didn’t die. Obviously

Archie: okay I need to hear all about this on our second date

Luca: So that was a date?

Archie: I wore your jersey, made you come 6 times, and braved 9 AM LA traffic for you. That’s a date baby

Luca: It was the best first date I’ve ever been on then 😊

Luca: Wait 6? I thought it was 5

Archie: hmm maybe I’m thinking of the one you’ll have when you call me tonight

Luca: Oh

Luca: I’ll tell Bergy I need the room

Archie: good boy

Luca: I have something to ask you and I need you to be cool and normal about it and not audibly scream or do anything that will alert the whole team

Holmberg: What?

Luca: Can I have the room for an hour or 2 tonight?

Holmberg: AISJDA

Haasy Fan Club

Bood: Is everyone okay? I swear I just heard a scream from the back of the bus? I shouted back but no one answered

Luca: We’re good, Bergy just saw a spider and got very scared. Right Bergy?

Holmberg: Right 

Dykstra: …why do I feel like Bergy has a gun to his head right now 

Young: bergy blink twice if you need help

LaPointe changed the group chat name to Bergy Fan Club

Holmberg: I’m putting in a trade request fuck all of you

Luca: Hi, I landed in Ottawa 😊

Archie: thank you for letting me know!!

Luca: I hope it’s not too forward to say I’m really excited for you to visit soon

Archie: not too forward at all, I am too! I can’t wait to see the Ottawa sights. are there sights?

Luca: There’s a lot of good museums

Archie: perfect, I’ve always wanted to go on a museum date

Luca: :)

Luca: Next time I’m in LA you will have to show me the sights. I’d love to finally go to Disney

Archie: omg you haven’t been?!

Luca: No. I want to meet Cinderella

Archie: I can definitely make that happen. Not mickey though?

Luca: I grew up with 4 sisters, remember? We were always rewatching the movie where Cinderella time travels. It’s very good

Archie: wait what? she time travels?

Luca: In the third movie, yes. Okay we are having a FaceTime date and watching it. Maybe tomorrow?

Archie: I’m there 💕

Family Group Chat 👨‍❤️‍👨👼

Luca: Can I ask you guys a question?

Ilya: Me first. Did you get home okay?

Luca: Yes

Ilya: Good

Ilya: Okay, what is your question?

Luca: How soon do you think is too soon to “define the relationship” or whatever

Shane: Define the relationship? Like ask him to be your boyfriend?

Luca: Yes

Shane: I’ll be honest, I think we might be the worst people you could ask

Ilya: Nonsense! Here is what you do. Wait until he takes you home to meet his family. While he is having a panic attack, ask him to be your boyfriend in front of his parents

Luca: What?

Ilya: Worked for me and Shane

Shane: Please don’t use us as a blueprint

Shane: I don’t think there’s such a thing as too soon. If it feels right, you should go for it

Ilya: I agree. You already wasted time pretending you did not want to sleep with him. Your very dumb straight friends will tell you to wait but who cares? You like him, he likes you. Simple

Luca: Okay. Yeah. Simple

Luca: Thanks

Shane: Of course. Maybe don't ask him over text though?

Luca: Oh no, I wouldn't. He's coming to Ottawa in a few weeks and I was thinking about asking him then

Ilya: He is?! Okay we will have you both over for dinner

Luca: Thanks but Bood has a barbecue the weekend he's in town so if everything goes well, I'll introduce him to everyone then

Ilya: Hmmm

Ilya: Fine. But come over this weekend. We will teach you how to make him a nice meal

Luca: That would be great if it's not too much trouble

Shane: It's no trouble at all! I'll send you some recipe options

Luca: Thank you :)

Archie: Landed!!

Luca: Yay! I am already here in the cell phone lot

Archie: someone’s eager 😘

Luca: Yes. I am.

Archie: :)

Luca: :)

Bergy Fan Club

Bood: Alright boys! Don’t forget, barbecue at my place tomorrow. Troy, you better bring cider

Troy: We will. Is it good if we bring Chiron to this one?

Shane: Oh yeah can we bring Anya?

Ilya: Shane! You never have to ask

Troy: You really should ask before you bring your dog places

Ilya: She is more than a dog. She is our baby

Bood: Yes, you can always bring them

Wyatt: I’m bringing a bundt cake and I’ve been working really hard to perfect the recipe so if you’re mean about it, I’ll cry

Ilya: Why would we be mean? Cake is cake

LaPointe: is anyone allergic to peanuts? wondering if I can bring PB cookies. My mom visited the other day and left an ungodly amount

Bood: Chouinard can’t do sesame oil but I think that’s the only food allergy

Holmberg: dairy kinda gives me bubble guts these days

Bood: …alright

Bood: Any other grand requests? 

Luca: Can I bring my boyfriend?

Holmberg: WHAT

Troy: Awww

Young: WTF KIND OF HARD LAUNCH IS THIS LUCA GABRIEL HAAS

Shane: I can't wait to meet him Luca! Ilya is doing a very dorky celebratory dance over you being official

Ilya: My sexy dance is not dorky

Ilya: You must bring him!!! I have many questions for this young man

Shane: Not sure you can ever get defensive about being called old again

Ilya: Please don't remind me he called me old. I want to like my son in law 

Bood: Congrats Luca. Of course he can come, the more the merrier!

Holmberg: wait hold up HE’S HERE?? IN OTTAWA???

Luca: Yes

LaPointe: kinda surprised you didn’t know Bergy, it’s all over social media

Holmberg: IT IS? WHAT? WHERE? HOW DID I NOT GET AN ALERT FOR THIS

Luca: I don’t know. Weird. Maybe someone took your phone when you were asleep and turned off your google alerts so you’d stop stalking him

Ilya: HAHA oh Luca…we raised you well

TMZ ✔️ @TMZ

Model/influencer Archibald Simmons caught LOCKING LIPS with budding NHL Star Luca Haas at the National Gallery of Canada!!! Read more about their secret love affair HERE

Priya @admiralscellie

ANOTHER gay player on the Centaurs? This is the greed they talked about in the bible…

nadia 🌈 @hazyhayess

Being hot/rich/famous enough to bag anyone you want and still choosing to date someone who lives on another coast/country…Luca Haas congrats on being an honorary lesbian 

Chiron's Third Dad @centaurtrashh 

All the Centaurs know is be cute, kiss boys, and win

cal @vaughnybaby

Win? They haven’t won a cup in decades

Chiron's Third Dad @centaurtrashh 

Give ‘em a sec, it’s buffering, they needed 4 gays to unlock one

kip grady love bot @scottcunterr

I know Scott Hunter is tired rn lmao like “I changed the game just for all the gays to be in Ottawa? OTTAWA?”

kai @hausofhaas

LUCA HAAS BOY KISSER CONFIRMED?? NOT JUST SPECULATION/HOPES/DREAMS??? I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SEE THE DAY

charlie @shaneholeander

You never thought you’d see the day? He got his bottom eyes from his father, Shane Hollander. This was inevitable

lynn 🐝 yellowjackets spoilers @barrettsbiceps

Being from Ottawa is such a mind fuck, growing up my dad was like “Yes, this team always loses but we legally must root for them” and now I’m raising my cat going “No see the Centaurs are great because they were taken over by the Gay Power Rangers”

anya unofficial @hollanoveru

Roger Crowell found dead in his crypt

shayden's third @shaydeneternally

Quick, Hayden Pike come out so he’ll stay dead

anya unofficial @hollanoveru

HUH?

dove ‹𝟹 @rozsbeartattoo

My jealousy of Luca Haas is making me violently ill like “oh yeah, I just casually started playing for Ottawa once it got good thanks to my childhood idol and his gorgeous husband and I make out with models for funzies” I am In Your Walls little boy

Jordan @twinkadjacent

I hope Luca Haas knows he’s an inspiration for tall shy bottoms everywhere. Keep breaking stereotypes king

steph @stephaknee2

How is everyone so confident he’s a bottom?

Jordan @twinkadjacent

We have these little things called eyes!!

Mia @justhatgirl

I WISH I had a video of it but I saw the Cens play LA a few weeks back and they showed Simmons wearing Haas’s jersey on the jumbotron and the WHOLE bench lost it and started shoving Haas like he’d just scored a goal

kai @hausofhaas

STOP I’m giggling and kicking my feet harder than they’ve ever been kicked before

bebe @moony4hollanov

I just know Rozanov and Hollander are proud papas right now

Bergy Fan Club

Ilya: I just went online. I take it back, we did not raise you well. You are very bad at being closeted Luca

Luca: Oops

Young: I meaaan you were also outed by making out with your partner…

Ilya: Yes but after a very long time

Bood: Wait how long is very long?

Ilya: 🤷‍♂️😏

Bood: What?

Holmberg: okay these museum pics are very cute but what do you meaaan you’ll get all blushy and weird when we ask you how many times he made you come but you have no qualms about groping him in public??

Troy: You asked him what?

Wyatt: I gotta be honest kid, those 2 things don’t seem related

Shane: So are you going to come out publicly now Luca?

Luca: 🤷‍♂️

Ilya: Awww maybe you are like your daddy after all

Dykstra: Ew

Troy: Roz…

Shane: Ilya

Bood: Enough

Archie: Landed ://

Luca: Boooo :((

Luca: I mean yay for landing safely

Luca: But I miss you already

Archie: I miss you too baby

Luca: I like when you call me that even more now

Archie: I like calling you it baby

Luca: Thank you for an amazing visit :) My teammates really liked you

Luca: The fact that Ilya liked you despite you calling him old is very impressive. He's already talking about making us dinner the next time you're in town

Archie: aww that would be fun! I'm v glad I charmed your Ottawa daddy

Luca: I think you might be the only person who calls him that besides himself

Archie: that’s why he likes me!

Luca: No, he likes you because you’re wonderful

Archie: awww!! don’t make me cry in public pls

Luca: Sorry

Archie: the tears have been close to flowing all day, I just already hate being so far from you

Luca: Me too. I will see you so soon though right? And we’ll FaceTime tomorrow?

Archie: Make it tonight. I’ll be sleepy but I wanna fall asleep with you

Luca: Good me too

Luca: Oh and as requested, I passed your number onto Cassie and Harris!

Archie: perfect ty love

Archie: okay we’re deplaning, I’ll talk to you soon! I’m so fucking glad you asked to be my boyfriend 

Luca: I’m so glad you said yes ❤️

WAGs and Proud 🏳️‍🌈

Harris: Hey @everyone! New member incoming 👀

Kip: OH??

Harris added Archie to the chat

Archie: Hi, I’m Archie, Luca Haas’s boyfriend! It’s so nice to meet you all! Thank you Harris for adding me 😊

Kip: omg FRESH MEAT! Hi, I’m Kip!

Kyle: Hi Archie, I saw the leaked pics online. Which, fuck TMZ but you guys are sooo cute!! I’m Kyle

Fabian: I ran to google and I did in fact SQUEAL. 

Fabian: Oh and this is Fabian!

Archie: Ah, thank you for the warm welcome! Are you guys able to say who your partners are? I only know that Harris is with Troy

Kip: Oh honey, you don’t know a thing about hockey, do you?

Archie: …not really, no

Kip: Don’t worry, we’ve got you