Archive of Our Own

It’s the middle of July when it first creeps up on him. Well… creep up would be an understatement. The feeling actually hits him like a damn semi truck barreling towards him at 60 mph. But, ultimately, it’s the beginning of what will become his life for the next few months.

All the cleaners (which also includes Semiu and Corvus this time around) are packed into the dining room. Drinks are flowing — some alcoholic, some not — and Zanka is taking in his surroundings. He can see just how lively everyone is and he should be feeling the same, but he’s not.

Zanka is at a table with the rest of the Team Akuta members (plus Gris, because he just follows wherever Enjin is) and the conversation is flowing easily, like it typically is with their group. Riyo has just made a joke that uses Zanka as the punch-line and the entire table starts laughing along with her, Enjin even adds onto the joke and the group erupts into even louder laughter.

The joke itself is not the problem, Zanka doesn’t care if people poke fun at him. In fact, it’s a joke that Zanka would 100% laugh at and that’s where the problem is. He’s just… not feeling anything at the moment. It’s like he’s completely detached from his body at the moment and its so weird.

Everything is sort of muffled and the room looks like it has this constant grey-ish tint to it that he’s sure wasn’t there before.

Zanka should feel great, really, but he just feels so… out of place. He’s too busy fixating on the thoughts that had been initially tucked in the farthest corner of his mind to really pay much attention to what’s going on around him.

It’s not like Zanka is a stranger to feeling this way, it’s no mystery to anyone how Enjin found him initially. He’s never claimed to be the happiest guy alive or anything like that, but he has found coping mechanisms to stagger off the emotions.

He tries to keep his anxiety at bay by surrounding himself with people that love him, because it allows for a distraction from the deeper things that he doesn’t like talking about.

But, alas, sometimes that’s truly just… not enough.

The thoughts constantly sink in at the worst moments ever. He should be acting like a kid and laughing with his peers, but instead his mind is shoving all sorts of negative talk into his conscience.

You’re so annoying, that’s really why Riyo pokes fun at you.

You really are a failure, you know that? You can’t even pretend to be okay without fucking it up.

Things would be better without you. You see how much fun everyone’s having without you? You’re not needed.

That last one hurts most because it seems the most plausible at the moment. The entire room is full of laughter and fun without Zanka and, gosh, he feels really out of his element right now.

Zanka is quickly being pulled under the currents in the ocean that is his mind, desperately gasping for air to keep from drowning in it and so far no one has noticed. He takes a quick glance around the room and not a single person is even glancing in his way.

Is it selfish to think that the attention should be on him? He doesn’t know for sure, but one thing is for certain and that’s that he’s about to cry… like right now and he needs to get out of here ASAP.

Zanka shoots up from the table and tries to make his exit without saying anything. But Riyo and the others notice his sudden attempt at departure.

“Hey! Zanka, you good? You know I didn’t mean it, right?” Riyo says through her laughter, holding onto his sleeve.

Zanka has to swallow down his tears, steadying his voice so it doesn’t come out as shaky, “No, you’re fine. I’m just tired…”

Riyo looks at him for a moment, trying to assess how true that statement is before ultimately letting go of him, “Alright. I get it, sleeping beauty needs her rest.”

Which gets another bout of laughter from the table and Zanka takes that as his cue to leave out of the room before anyone else can try and stop him.

If Zanka were to look behind him, he’d notice Enjin watching him carefully as he makes his retreat out of the dining room. But he’s too caught up to pay attention to his surroundings at the moment.

He makes a beeline to his room, feeling his stomach churn at the words running through his mind without any intention of stopping. He feels sick and the thoughts aren’t making it any better. He’s not sure if he’s going to throw up, but he sure feels like bashing his head open right about now.

Running away from your problems, huh? You’re pathetic. I mean, seriously?

You’re such an attention-seeker, no one cares if you’re leaving. Man the fuck up, you can’t seriously be crying over not having the attention on you for one second. You’re so fucking selfish, Zanka.

You’re worthless, Zanka.

No one loves you, Zanka.

Just end it all, Zanka.

You’d be doing the world a favor, Zanka.

It’s all just too much. His head is pounding and he is fully sobbing by the time he finally reaches his room and shoves the door open, slamming it shut behind him before sinking to the ground with his back pressed to the wood.

“Shut up, God, please. Just stop…” He says out loud, hoping some deity above will have mercy on him and take this pain away. He feels the urge to scream, cry, bash his head in the wall, hit something to make it just stop.

Zanka really just hates when this happens to him. He hates when his mind gets too loud and he feels the urge to do something reckless, because that’s not who Zanka Nijiku is. Zanka Nijiku is supposed to be calm, collected, easy to deal with, grateful, and humble. This isn’t who he is.

Zanka is the eldest, he has to be the model of perfection. Riyo and Rudo look up to him. How would they feel if they saw him like this? He’s so damn pathetic, it’s embarrassing.

Zanka’s sobbing gets interrupted by a sudden wave of nausea and he shoots up off of the floor, feeling the room tilt a bit with how quickly he stands. He makes a straight shot to his en-suite bathroom and just barely makes it to the toilet before he’s heaving up the dinner he just had.

His body is shaking as all the fluids are being forced out of his body, one hand is gripping the rim of the toilet with all his might and the other is wrapped around his stomach as an attempt at self-soothing. He’s never felt as weak as he feels in this current moment.

He coughs up the last of his stomach contents before flushing the toilet and pressing his back against the wall adjacent to it. He’s too dizzy to get up and clean himself off so he just settles for a piece of tissue to wipe the residue of sickness off of his lips.

He’s exhausted and he has no idea how he found himself in this position after a night that was supposed to be fun and light-hearted. He lifts his hand to wipe his bangs out of his face, sighing heavily before settling for staring blankly ahead of him.

Zanka sits on the floor for an uncertain amount of time before he finally gets up and flops face-first into his bed, digging his face into his pillow before falling asleep.

Zanka has been floating in nothingness for the past couple of days. It’s a pretty big difference from when he initially felt that wave of worthlessness in the middle of hanging out with the cleaners.

He’s been gliding through the days like a pro — well, he’s not really sure about that, but he thinks he’s been doing pretty good. He’s no longer freaking out over the tiniest things and it’s like his anxiety is non-existent! Who cares if he’s “not dealing with his problems” and “It’s a defense mechanism”

Zanka doesn’t care about the technicalities, the only thing that matters is how it presents itself on the outside.

Zanka can’t recall a single thing he’s done in the past couple of days, but he knows he has been acting normal enough to not raise any red flags with the people around him. Google says he should “focus on the present" and “find other coping mechanisms”.

But he doesn’t want to do either of those things. He finds comfort in his suffering a bit, which sounds pretty bad. But he doesn’t want to get better. He likes the feeling of not feeling anything. It’s a pretty messed up mindset, and he’s aware of it. But, it’s better than the opposite where he’s feeling it all.

He likes this type of depression, where you’re just… existing. You’re not fully aware of your surroundings but you’re conscious enough to not worry the people around you. That nice type of buzz where you’re practically the floater friend.

Zanka is sitting in a circle with Riyo, Rudo, and Follo. It’s just a little collective gathering of the older teenagers. They’re talking about… something. Zanka’s not sure what, since he’s been completely checked out this entire time.

The others haven’t said anything to him, so clearly it’s not that noticeable if he’s able to just sink into this emotionless mindset for the whole hang-out. The three others are collectively making each other laugh, so Zanka just laughs absentmindedly at the right times to avoid suspicion.

This feels great, Zanka decides. Not feeling anything isn’t as bad as everyone makes it out to be, especially when you’re no longer feeling the pressure to perform or respond to what everyone’s saying.

Fuck, he’s becoming obsessed with this feeling already.

It starts to become glaringly obvious to Zanka that Enjin is starting to see through his bullshit.

It’s August 22nd, Enjin’s birthday, and the group has gone out for dinner to celebrate. It’s unusual for them to do anything for his birthday in the first place because Enjin doesn’t like making a big deal out of just… becoming older.

But it’s his 30th, so of course they have to make a big deal out of it.

Enjin doesn’t like to admit it, but he loves being noticed and appreciated. He’s really soaking in all the attention he’s getting from all the waitresses at the moment and Zanka is happy for him, even if it’s not showing on his face at all.

He has tried to make a conscious effort to seem as though he’s living in the present moment and feeling happy, but Zanka isn’t living in the present at all. He sank into the feeling of empty before they even left the headquarters and he hasn’t been able to claw himself out of it since then.

The whole table is getting rowdy and Enjin is noticeably getting a bit tipsy from all the drinks being passed down his way, swinging his arm around Gris next to him and yabbering on about nothing of importance.

Zanka would typically laugh at these antics and even go out of his way to take pictures or something as documentation of how Enjin is acting, but he can’t bring himself to do it right now.

Whatever, not that big of a deal anyway. It’s not like anyone is paying attention to Zanka right now with all their attention on the birthday boy, so he doesn’t have to put up a facade.

Well, at least, that’s what Zanka thought. But Enjin is a surprisingly attentive drunk and he has noticed the way Zanka has just been staring off into nothingness and effectively been mute this entire time.

“Zankaaaa! Come sit by me, kid!” Enjin drawls, pulling out the chair beside him that Seimu is actively sitting in. Zanka hopes that she might stay in the seat for his sake.

But Seimu takes the hint and gets out of her seat without protest, deciding to not get involved in whatever Enjin has planned.

Zanka doesn’t try to argue because he knows how stubborn Enjin can be. He gets out of his seat and swaps spots with Seimu, barely getting settled into his seat before Enjin wraps his arm around his shoulder.

“Hey! Guys… I wanna say something real quick!” Enjin starts, and the table’s conversations dwindle into silence to listen to him.

Enjin grabs a hold onto Zanka even tighter, pulling him closer until they’re pressed against each other cheek to cheek.

“I just want to say how I love this kid so fucking much, I don’t think I would’ve made it to this glorious age if not for him. Let’s all give him a round of applause, ey?”

The group starts clapping on command, smiling at Enjin’s words. They’re not quite sure where this came from and Zanka is no less confused than they are, but what Enjin says goes during his birthday.

The claps quiet down after a while and Enjin takes that as his cue to speak again, “And when I say that, I mean it.” He says before ruffling Zanka’s hair playfully.

“He’s like my honorary son, you know? He doesn’t know it, but…” He stops, turning to look Zanka in the eye as if he’s trying to pass on a message that's directly for him.

“He saved my life by just being there. He never has to do anything to make my day better,” Enjin turns back to the group, “His existence gave me a reason to keep on living. So… yeah, big thanks to Zanka!”

At the signal of the end of his speech, the table applauds once again, some raising their drinks in a toast and Zanka is barely registering what’s going on. He wants to be receptive to this, but there’s too much happening and he doesn’t know how to adjust to the sudden praise.

The table moves on from the interruption quickly and breaks off into small side-conversations. Zanka thinks that is the end of it, but Enjin leans in and looks into his eyes once more, looking significantly more sober.

“Hey, look at me. Are you okay?”

Zanka squirms in his seat a bit at the question, because he’s really not okay. Not at all. But he doesn’t want to worry Enjin on a day like this. It’s not fair of Zanka to ruin his birthday like this.

“I’m fine. I appreciate your concern, but I’m okay.” Zanka says with a laugh at the end to really sell the part.

Enjin keeps his eyes on him for a few really long moments before he finally turns away, ending the conversation with a pat on his shoulder and an, “Okay”

This really isn’t going to end well, huh?

Yeah, it really isn’t. Zanka figures out pretty quickly. It’s getting harder to act normal now that he’s fallen into the habit of just… refusing to exist.

When he falls into that state, he feels pretty funky. His body always has this weird buzz to it and it feels like he’s being watched… like, observed closely. He feels too big for his body while he’s like that and it makes him nauseous.

He didn’t really think this through, and now he’s suffering the repercussions.

He figures he can’t just detach from his body anymore, so he has to find another way to deal with his problems without directly confronting them. Because confronting it means he has to admit he has a problem, and he can’t do that.

Zanka just can’t accept it yet, he’s actually not sure he’ll ever be ready to face the reality of how sick he is.

Because Zanka is no stranger to anxiety and depression, he’s really not, but this time around, he’s not able to just shove it down and keep it pushing like he usually does.

It’s like this has been a long time coming and it has finally snuck up on him and sunk its claws into his soul, body, and mind. There’s nothing he can do to fix it, he’s not very hopeful about finding a way to cope with this change.

Instead of actually maybe, talking to someone like he should, Zanka resorts to isolating himself. Because in isolation, there’s no one to check up on you or make sure you’re not actively killing yourself.

He’s been cooped up in his room all day, listening to the echoing of voices down the hall and usually he would be feeling a lot of FOMO, but as of right now, he just feels like sinking into his bed and staring at the walls in his room as entertainment.

Zanka isn’t sure what makes him finally get up, but he figures he should probably show his presence in HQ so that nobody starts looking for him and getting suspicious of his behavior. So he hauls himself out of bed and throws on some clothes that he’s not completely sure are washed, but he’s not trying to impress anyone anyway.

Zanka is pretty dizzy as he walks down the halls, and he’s starting to realize that he can’t remember the last time he ate. Hell, he can’t even remember what day it is, but it’s really not a big deal. Everyone’s forgetful at some point in their life, right?

Whatever. He practically drags himself down the corridor to the common area and is greeted by team Akuta and Child mingling together. Rudo, Guita, Riyo and Dear are doing some sort of arts and crafts project around the coffee table while Bro and Enjin are monitoring them from the couch — even though this doesn’t seem like an activity that really needs to be monitored, but it’s whatever.

Rudo and Dear don’t even look up from their project, but the others lock eyes onto Zanka and he’s already regretting showing his face at all.

“Hey! Look who finally decided to leave their cave and acknowledge that we exist!” Riyo says loudly. It’s obviously an attempt at a joke but Zanka winces anyway, feeling called out.

Bro and Guita laugh at Riyo’s dig, but Enjin doesn’t say anything, just watches Zanka as he walks toward the cabinets towards the back of the room where he knows they keep the snacks.

“Yeah, yeah. Ha… funny” Zanka mutters, barely putting in any energy behind his response.

Riyo is quicker with a response though, ripping yet another joke at Zanka’s expense, “Woah, I think Zanka is in the moody teenager phase. Enjin, watch out, he’s gonna start hating you.”

Zanka rolls his eyes, ignoring Riyo’s words. Digging through the cabinets to find literally anything to eat.

Enjin’s eyes are burning holes into Zanka’s back but he doesn’t care to look back and see what for as he finally finds a bag of chips.

“Ahhh! I’m done, look, look!” Rudo suddenly shouts and it’s like an arrow piercing through Zanka’s skull from how loud he is.

Zanka rubs at his temples before returning to pouring the chips into a nearby bowl. And right when he thinks he’ll get some relief, the entire room erupts into praise towards Rudo’s drawn monstrosity.

“Wooow, Rudo. Oh and you too, Dear. They look amazing!” Bro compliments, cooing at the both of them as if Rudo isn’t fifteen years old.

“Really good job, Rudo. You’re like a little Picasso in the making,” Enjin says.

Rudo and Dear both soak up the praise, glowing at the validation.

“Yeah yeah, theirs is cool or whatever, but look at mine! Look, look! It’s so much better than whatever abomination they created!” Guita huffs and shows her origami, clearly proud of it. And that’s when they all join in with a combination of oooo’s and ahhhh’s.

“Beautiful work, Guita.” Enjin states.

However, just as suddenly, Rudo snarls at Guita and Dear starts to tap his feet on the floor, getting annoyed at the jab that came from the dinosaur onesie-wearing girl.

“I love the attention to detail, Guita. But uhhh… maybe we should lay off on bringing down the others.” Bro chimes in, trying to mediate as he sees Rudo getting riled up.

But it's for naught as Rudo growls and jumps at Guita and they start rolling on the floor, wrestling with each other and kicking at one another.

Bro yelps and jumps off the couch to try and separate them. Any other day, Zanka may have found this funny and laughed his ass off, but he feels like he’s on the brink of passing out right now and laughing seems like it’ll take too much energy out of him.

The volume of the room is entirely too loud and it feels like someone is doing construction work in his skull with how it’s affecting him. He’s absolutely ready to get the hell out of here.

Zanka puts the chips back and turns to leave the room, only to stop in place when he sees Dear right in front of him, tapping his foot aggressively as if he’s about to beat the shit out of Zanka.

He doesn't understand why though, because he hasn’t even touched the candy. So he shouldn’t be upset anyway.

Dear just stares up at him with the most angry little eyes ever and huffs at Zanka.

“Whats wrong, Dear?” Zanka asks, trying to avoid getting the shit kicked out of him. But of course, there’s only so much communication that can go between him and a mute child. So he shrugs and starts walking away.

Dear doesn’t like that and starts sucking on his pacifier harder and tapping his foot even faster on the ground. Zanka’s steadily getting more frustrated at the same time as Dear.

“Are these yours?” Zanka guessed.

Dear just stares at him and nods his head once before holding his hands out for the bowl of chips.

Great, just what he needed right now.

“But I haven’t eaten all day, Dear. Can’t I just have these for right now?” Zanka pleads.

Dear grunts and shakes his head vigorously and holds his hands out again, moving his hands in a ‘gimme’ motion over and over. And honestly, Zanka truly doesn’t have time for this.

He’s tired, annoyed, dizzy, his head is pounding, the room is still loud with Bro trying desperately to calm down Guita and Rudo, and the floor feels like it’s shifting under him. He’s taking these fucking chips if it’s the last thing he does.

“Dear, fuck off! I mean, my God! Do you really need to have ownership over all of the damn snacks?!” He shouts, and the room suddenly dips into complete silence.

He immediately feels regret once the words leave his mouth. He hadn’t meant to raise his voice, it was just a force of habit after being pushed to the edge.

Zanka thinks — no, actually, he hopes — that maybe he’s just imagining the silence, but nope, once he looks up he sees everyone staring at the scene between him and Dear.

But instead of someone standing up for Zanka, Bro takes Dear’s side and shakes his head at Zanka disapprovingly.

“Not cool, Zanka. Give him his chips back,” Bro demands.

Zanka’s mouth drops open and he looks around to see everyone waiting for his next move. It would be cruel of Zanka to take food from a fucking ten year old as a eighteen year old, so he has no choice but to hand the chips over to Dear.

Zanka just turns and leaves the room, not even caring to apologize or anything. He’s sure he’s stumbling over his steps as he walks away but he doesn’t care. He feels like he’s about to collapse, but that’s fine because it’s clear that no one cares anyway.

Enjin’s eyes follow him as he leaves the room, contemplative and worried as he sees the way Zanka sways on his feet while he walks.

Later on in the day, Zanka is shivering under the blankets in his room and he just knows it’s because he hasn’t eaten in god knows how long. But maybe he deserves it for being such an asshole to Dear.

Now that he has calmed down, the more Zanka feels even more shitty for yelling at him. He’s just a kid, he didn’t deserve Zanka’s treatment just because he’s having a bad day.

Zanka needs to get a better hold on his emotions if he wants to avoid suspicion from the others. He was already pushing it by leaving out of the room, he knew he should’ve just stayed in his room in the first place.

Tears well in his eyes and his body is screaming at him to eat, but he doesn’t want to get out of bed. Hell, he can’t even physically get out even if he tried, he’s sure. He’d probably pass out before getting anywhere.

But he deserves it, so that’s okay. He can’t be greedy. He can’t expect special treatment. He gets it, truly.

Just when Zanka’s body is starting to really get exhausted, he hears a knock at his door and Enjin’s voice carries through the door, “Hey, kid. You alive in there?” which he tries to mask as a joke, but Zanka can hear the hint of genuine concern for his well-being hidden under that.

“Yeah, I’m good.” Zanka says, hoping he’s loud enough for Enjin to hear.

Enjin takes that as an invitation and opens the door, closing it behind him. That’s when Zanka sees a bag of takeout in Enjin’s hand and he feels so… hungry but he can’t be greedy. It’s for Enjin.

“I brought you some food. If you’re hungry?” Enjin asked, catching Zanka off guard by offering food. But he already knows Zanka is hungry because why else would he be here?

Zanka sits up slowly to avoid making himself too dizzy and watches as Enjin takes the trays out of the bag, setting one down on Zanka’s lap and keeping one for himself, sliding out Zanka’s desk chair to sit down.

“Thanks” Zanka whispers, opening the neatly-packaged meal. It’s nothing extravagant, just a burger with fries but that’s all that Zanka needs right now. He probably can’t hold down much food at once anyway.

“No problem” Enjin replies, watching Zanka closely as he eats. And it makes him wriggle under the attention.

They eat in silence for a while, Enjin taking pretty large bites in comparison to Zanka’s careful bites. Zanka is able to get through a few of his fries and a quarter of his burger before Enjin finally speaks up.

“So are you gonna tell me why you were barely able to stand up straight earlier?”

“What are yo-”

“And don’t try to bullshit me either. I saw you, Zanka. I’m not blind.”

“It’s nothing really, I just forgot to eat earlier.”

Enjin shakes his head slowly and sets his tray aside before leaning forward and putting his elbows on his knees to get a better look at Zanka’s face.

“I’m not going to pry, but I better not see you like that again. I know you haven’t been eating. If you don’t like the food here, I can easily go out and get you something like this,” he says, waving his hand around for emphasis.

“You’re never too much to deal with Zanka. I care about you, okay?” Enjin frets.

“Okay, I get it. I’m sorry.” Zanka snaps.

Enjin’s face drops at his tone but he doesn’t lecture him, “I don’t want a sorry, Zanka. That’s not what matters. Just take care of yourself, alright?”

Zanka nods once in understanding. Enjin smiles slightly in response and ruffles Zanka’s hair before grabbing his food and leaving out of the room.

Zanka in fact, does not take care of himself like he promised. If anything he just got worse. He’s eating — not as much as he should, but it has to count for something, right — but he’s also withdrawing from the planned team Akuta hang-outs as of recently.

He just feels so drained when hanging out with them and it kind of sucks having to be surrounded by younger kids. It’s not something he had a problem with before, but they’re just so annoying and they grind his gears like crazy.

The only time he’ll spend with the other cleaners is when they’re on missions. And nowadays, not even those are enjoyable. Enjin has him sidelined right now, which he says is “not for personal reasons”, but it feels pretty damn personal to him.

He shouldn’t be punished for struggling a little bit. Stuff happens, okay? It’s not the end of the world if Zanka is just a little more sad than normal. Life moves on.

But apparently Enjin doesn’t agree and sees him as a liability or something like that. He’s not sure.

Whatever it is, it makes Zanka feel even worse. Realistically, this is for his and the team’s own good, but he just feels like even more of a failure like this.

Zanka’s sadness festers into anger. Anger at the world, anger at Enjin, anger at the little idiots that work with him, just… anger. He feels like destroying something.

So when team Akuta goes out on a mission to do some cleaning in a town pretty close by to headquarters, Zanka rushes in without waiting for Enjin’s call.

It was a bad decision and really reckless of him to do. That’s made obvious to him after the mission quickly goes off the rails a bit. It takes them longer than it would’ve if they had gone with Enjin’s plan. Fortunately, they're fine by the end, a little roughed up, but not too damaged.

In retrospect, he should’ve known it would get him in trouble, but he didn’t know it would make Enjin so mad. Enjin is silent on the ride back, eyebrows furrowed deeply in a pretty ugly face.

Honestly, Zanka can’t recall a moment where Enjin has been angry, really. For as long as Zanka has been under Enjin’s wing, Enjin has been the most laid-back guy he’s ever met. Even in the most serious of moments, Enjin is always the one person with a calm head that doesn’t take anything too seriously.

So Zanka and the rest of the crew are feeling pretty tense at this new side of Enjin, the side where you can just tell he’s fuming and ready to fuck some shit up. It’s scary to see and Zanka knows he’s in… big trouble.

When they reach HQ again, Enjin dismisses everyone else but Zanka. He drags Zanka by the arm roughly to the side.

Zanka’s eyes widen just slightly, looking up at Enjin as he bends down to his level with a nasty scowl on his face.

“I’ve been really trying to be patient with you, Zanka. Because I know you’re going through something, but going without my orders can put everyone on the team in jeopardy. It was a dumb fucking call.”

“And Zanka, you know I care. I told you, you can come to me whenever you want, but what isn’t acceptable is putting the entire team in danger just because you’ve had a shitty day.”

“That’s not fair, Enjin. You know it’s not just a ‘shitty day’, I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit, you know?” Zanka protests.

“We’re all going through shit! We’re quite literally living in a fucking trash dump! That doesn’t give you the excuse to put the others’ lives in danger, Nijiku!” Enjin exploded, way past the point of still trying to be understanding and gentle.

Zanka’s mouth snaps shut and he completely zones out after that. It’s like an intense feeling of whiplash, getting scolded by Enjin like this.

He’s so used to immense amounts of praise from Enjin, so hearing the opposite hits him hard. He shouldn't have been so impulsive…

“I have been vouching for you the past couple of months, you know that? Corvus has been…this close,” he says, bringing his thumb and pointer finger close to one another for emphasis, “to taking your ass off of missions permanently.”

“But now I’m starting to see that maybe he was correct. You’re just not acting like yourself, Zanka. And I’m sick of defending you! You need this reality check.”

“So, you’re not going on any more missions until you get your act in check. Do you understand me, Zanka?”

Zanka furrows his eyebrows and shakes his head, confused. He had sort of, stopped listening towards the end there.

“Did you say… um, no more missions?”

Enjin sighs heavily, shaking his head in disappointment, “Just get out of here, Zanka. Come back to me when you can act right.”

Zanka is sure that was the breaking point. Enjin has always been his source of comfort, his father figure, his mentor, the level-headed one when Zanka was acting out of control. But now that has been ripped from him and it’s all his fault.

Zanka isn’t really thinking when he goes back to his room and plops down at his desk. Pulling out a stack of papers to start writing… Writing what? He’s not quite sure, honestly.

The words are blending together as he writes and it feels as though his mind has set on… something.

And that something is dangerous. He can just feel it. It feels reckless and final.

Like something he can’t easily take back.

He’s writing like a madman and he’s tucking the letters into envelopes, signing them with names on front. He’s moving blindly and this isn’t Zanka.

Zanka Nijiku doesn’t act impulsively. But Zanka Nijiku hasn’t existed in a while, not for the past couple of months at least.

He just feels so lost and everyone has given up on him. He can’t even be mad about it either because it’s all his fault. He’s aware that he pushed everyone away and created this reality on his own.

But it still hurts to have everyone turn their back on him like this. Hell, even Enjin has given up on him. So it really only feels right for him to act this way. It doesn’t matter if it’s not a good idea because who is going to be there to stop him? No one, obviously.

There’s tears running down his face as he seals up the last envelope, the one that reads ‘Enjin’ on the front, written in Zanka’s flawless penmanship. There’s a heavy weight resting in his heart and he feels sick.

This isn’t what Zanka wants to do. He doesn’t want to die, he just wants to stop feeling like this. The pain seems never-ending and his mind can only think of one solution to soothe the ache.

This is a terrible idea and he knows it, he’s acting off of straight impulses at the moment and he really doesn’t want to worry anyone but he’s moving on autopilot right now.

He’s taking off his communication bracelet and throwing on a simple hoodie and sweatpants. There’s no turning back from this and he knows it. Cutting off all contact before heading to a no-man’s land is guaranteed suicide, but that’s the whole point, isn’t it?

Shit, he’s really doing this. Zanka doesn’t know how he went from how he was just a few months ago to this. If anything, it’s just a testament to how fragile he is as a person. I mean, how can he be so weak to resort to taking his life at the smallest inconvenience.

Zanka’s about to head out when he looks back and stares at his mask, thinking deeply about whether he should bring it or not. But bringing it would mean admitting that he’s a coward, right? I mean, he can’t bring it with him. He’s serious about his choice and it would be a bit pathetic to bring a backup in case he chickens out…

He tosses the decision around in his mind for a bit, thinking about the possibility of him getting scared and regretting this. Chances are, Zanka is going to want to back-out of this, but he doesn’t want to give himself that choice.

Ultimately, he leaves without grabbing the mask, closing his bedroom door quietly before walking down the halls on the tips of his toes to avoid making too much noise with his steps. He takes the route that guarantees he won’t be seen on any cameras, avoiding any detection as he slips out of the cleaner's headquarters without a trace.

There’s no turning back now. He tells himself as he starts his walk to the closest no-man’s land.

There’s a light breeze outside right now and it’s like the universe is bringing him peace with his decision by cradling him with the wind. He only shivers a bit, but Zanka has always liked the cold, so it’s not bothering him much.

It’s really a nice night out right now. The sky is pretty and covered with stars — considering there’s not much light pollution down on the ground — so he’s able to distract himself with the display as he walks closer and closer to his ultimate demise.

Zanka has never really been much of a believer in fate, but he really is starting to believe that suicide was already written as his way of death when he was born. It was just a matter of time before it came along. Or maybe he’s just trying to cope, both options are just as likely to be true.

A few minutes pass and Zanka starts to realize just how quiet everything is at this time of night. He hadn’t thought about how silent the journey would be on the way there. Being in the silence gives his mind too much space to wander. His thoughts start to wander to what he’s going to be leaving behind after this, and the people that he cares about most.

He’s not too concerned about his siblings missing him, or his parents for that matter. He’s only really worried about how Enjin will take this. He’s essentially going to lose one of his kids, but he’ll get over it eventually. Zanka’s sure of that. Enjin is a strong guy and he’s able to get over his grief easily.

Enjin has been one of the only people that has cared about him for the past couple of years and it’s really a shame that his care and affection wasn’t enough to change Zanka’s mind. But that’s just how the world works, he guesses. Some people are lucky enough to be surrounded by love and others aren’t. Zanka believes he’s neither… he’s just another body taking up space in this world until he eventually gets turned into fertilizer to continue the life cycle.

Anyways, he’s thinking too much and he’s getting closer and closer to his destination. He can tell because the air is getting thicker and his lungs are starting to burn. The air smells rancid and his eyes are starting to burn from the CO2 that’s surrounding him.

Gosh, he’s really starting to regret his choice of ending his life in this way. It would’ve been easier to just waltz into the raider’s HQ and get murdered by one of them than to sit in this waste and die a slow, painful death.

But he’s not turning around, he can’t be a coward. He’s in too deep and if he stops now, he’ll never come back. He doesn’t want that for himself, he doesn’t want to continue living in this unjust world that doesn’t favor people like him.

The air is getting even thicker as he continues on. It’s really starting to get hard to breathe. Zanka is aware that it takes around 15 minutes before death comes to those who are in the no-man’s land. So he’s just going to sit down and count down until then. He’s aware of how anticlimactic this is, but who really cares about dying in a fashionable way?

I mean, he’s past the point of dying in an honorable way. He’s literally killing himself, the most pathetic way to die in a world like this.

Zanka finds a… nice enough spot to sit at and plops down on the garbage. It’s pretty fucking disgusting and this is a new low for him as the proclaimed, ‘spoiled kid of the ground’. He’s quite literally sitting in a pile of trash. The irony is present and it offers a sense of humor in his final moments.

Zanka sighs heavily and regrets it immediately as he breathes in the air around him right after, coughing up a substantial amount of blood.

Ah, shit… this is happening quicker than he thought it would. It’s only been about 5 minutes in this environment and he’s already feeling the effects. Is it because of the larger amount of waste than normal or is Zanka just weak and unable to handle the trash like everyone else on the ground? The latter is probably more plausible and it really adds to just how pathetic he is.

Zanka just wishes he could turn his brain off and-

Another cough rattles through his body and it’s more aggressive this time. His insides are starting to twist unpleasantly and he’s wondering if this is really it. Is this what he signed up for? Is he really content with going out like this? Whether he is or not doesn’t matter any more. He has already signed his damn life away by sitting in this wasteland.

There’s not much space in between his hacking now and he’s unable to do anything but curl into himself, clutching at his chest and gasping for any air that he can obtain. Everything hurts and his vision tilts as he falls to the side, lying with his cheek pressed against the trash now.

His vision is phasing in and out of focus. His body is writhing on the ground in protest. He’s really starting to regret this…

Tears are flowing down his cheeks at this point but he’s unable to fully cry with his lungs filled with smog and literal shit. Death doesn’t feel as pleasant as Zanka thought it would be and all he wants is for someone to hold him and tell him everything’s going to be alright.

Man, he could really use an Enjin hug right now.

His vision is rapidly fading and he’s suffocating. It’s only a matter of seconds at this point.

It’s been a good run.

His eyes are slipping closed when he hears a very familiar voice call out his name.

“Zanka!!”

Enjin has noticed. He notices everything, he’s not as stupid as everyone makes him out to be. Zanka isn’t alright, anyone with eyes can see that — which is a generous statement and probably isn’t as true as he thinks it is because apparently he’s the only one that has really noticed in the entirety of the cleaner's HQ.

But to be fair, Enjin spends the most time with Zanka so he just knows when things are wrong.

He’s seen these self-destructing patterns in him before and it’s really starting to worry him. He’s been more reckless on missions, skipping meals, holing up in his room, and avoiding everyone.

Enjin just knows he’s not okay and it’s really bothering him that no one else has batted an eye at how different Zanka has been acting. He doesn’t really know how to tackle this because confrontation might cause Zanka to go into fight-or-flight mode and that’s something he really wants to avoid. But he also wants to avoid finding this damn kid dead somewhere as well, so he has to pick his battles.

Zanka isn’t good at reaching out, that’s something he’s seen in the kid in the past couple of years. He doesn’t like having to rely on people and Enjin gets it, he’s been there multiple times. When you’re in the deep-end like this, you never really want to listen to anyone and that’s what concerns Enjin about talking to Zanka when he’s like this.

The kid is already pretty damn mad at him from when he yelled at him after that mission and he doesn't want Zanka to hate him after this, but maybe, if he hears from someone that has experienced the same things as him, he’ll be more likely to listen. Enjin might have to open up in order to get through to Zanka and that’s a risk he’s willing to take.

He went about it in the wrong way last time, and the time before that… and the time before that. He didn’t give Zanka space to talk to him, and now he’s feeling remorse and he’s willing to take accountability for that.

No one really knows the real reason why Enjin was out in the no-man’s land by himself that day when he found Rudo, but… needless to say, Enjin has been there and done that. He’s had his bouts of depression and wanted to take his life plenty of times while living in this shit-hole, but there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. But he’s not quite sure that Zanka understands that last part.

Anyways, the point is, Enjin has noticed. And he’s taking the initiative to talk to Zanka. It’s pretty damn late at night right now, and chances are, the kid is sleeping. But there’s no time better than the present.

It’s quiet in the halls like usual and Enjin makes the trip to Zanka’s room down the way, knocking twice to announce himself.

No response... not that weird considering the late hour, but he knocks again to be sure.

Again… no response, and Enjin is starting to think maybe this was a bad idea. He should probably come back later in the morning in order to not interrupt Zanka’s rest. But there’s just… something telling him that he should keep trying, that something's not right.

He knocks again, rougher this time before speaking, “Hey, Zanka?”

There’s no response. And now Enjin is really starting to get fucking worried, this could be nothing, but he just wants to calm his anxieties first before heading back to bed.

Enjin carefully turns the doorknob, just in case Zanka is sleeping, so he doesn’t wake him. He pushes the door open slowly, peeking in to see a perfectly made, empty bed and no Zanka to be found.

Okay. Time to really panic. Enjin pushes his way inside and walks to the bathroom, just to see if maybe Zanka was just up in the middle of the night, only to see the bathroom completely empty as well.

Alright, he’s really starting to panic now, but that’s okay. Maybe Zanka is just-

He cuts himself short when his eyes land on the multiple envelopes laid on his desk along with his communication bracelet. Enjin walks over to get a closer look and the envelopes are all named, addressed to different people and this looks really bad.

Enjin is in full panic mode and he dashes out of Zanka’s room, making a beeline to the lounge, because maybe Zanka was just feeling like taking a stroll at night — but Enjin knows that’s not likely, he just doesn’t want to believe Zanka is stupid enough to pull some shit like this.

When he reaches the lounge, he shoves the doors open to see it completely bare… no Zanka in sight.

Fuck… he’s really not here.

Okay, no more playing around. Enjin needs to take action quickly. He doesn’t have time to think and he’s just moving on pure adrenaline at this point. He makes a quick dash to his room, suiting up with his mask and choker just in case. And he has a feeling he’ll need an extra gas mask, so he hurries to grab one before running out of HQ.

Enjin doesn’t waste time calling on any of the other cleaners because he doesn’t want to freak anyone out and they’d probably slow him down anyway.

Think, think, fucking THINK, Enjin.

He’s breathing heavily from running by the time he reaches his jeep, hopping in before putting the car in drive and flooring it. He’s not really thinking right now and being reckless while driving is probably endangering his life, but who is he kidding? He never cared about road safety to begin with and one of his KIDS is in danger right now.

He needs to think. He has to really think about what Zanka would do. Where would Zanka go if he wanted to end his life? It’s a morbid thought, but it’s the reality of the situation.

Where would Zanka be right now? Where would he go?

Fuck, he doesn’t know!

Enjin isn’t really thinking when he swerves the car violently to the left, heading straight to a no-man’s land. Because really, what are the chances that he finds Zanka here, right?

He’s not sure, but he’ll take his chances, even if they are slim, because slim doesn’t mean zero.

Enjin slows down to a stop on the outskirts of the garbage dump, knowing that he’d attract a trash beast if he went in recklessly with a loud-ass 2 ton truck.

He jumps out of the truck and starts running straight through the garbage, darting his eyes side to side like a damn hawk looking for prey. He’s really hoping Zanka is here and he’s not wasting his time. He really doesn’t want the kid to ever be hurt but it’s looking pretty bad right now.

He doesn’t waste his time yelling out Zanka’s name because that would just put the both of them in danger if he were to be hidden in this dump somewhere.

And gah, his eyes are starting to well with tears. He wants to blame it on the CO2 in the air, but he knows that’s not what it is. He has his mask on... these are tears from fear of what he’s going to find. He has no time to be embarrassed about crying right now because he’s fucking worried, beyond worried at this point.

He’s about to give up on this area when he spots a lump in the distance that doesn’t look like garbage. It’s too… human-shaped to be anything but a human. God, he really… really hopes this is a human. And not just any human. He hopes this is Zanka.

He makes a sudden change in direction, rushing straight toward the shape in the distance. And as he gets closer, he sees the distinct gray-ish blond hair that could belong to no one else but Zanka.

He feels a mix of relief and also, deep worry, because how long has he been out here for? What are the chances he’s already-

Never mind that. Enjin dashes forward with more purpose, calling out for him with all the air in his lungs he could manage, “Zanka!!”

Zanka doesn’t respond and Enjin is able to see that he doesn’t have a mask on...

Enjin really didn’t want to think about what this could mean, but this was 100% an attempt. Whatever, they’ll talk about that later when he knows Zanka is okay.

Enjin drops to his knees, knocking all the rubble aside with the impact of him hitting the ground. His hands moved down to shake Zanka, only to see the blood pouring out of his mouth and collected all around him.

“Jesus, Zanka. What did you do, man?” He cries, searching for a pulse with shaky fingers.

There’s a very faint one and Enjin doesn’t want to waste his blessings as he wraps the extra gas mask around Zanka’s face. He’s aware it’s probably not helping, but he just needs to get both of them out of here.

He picks up Zanka, easily lifting him into a bridal carry before turning back in the direction of the jeep.

“Come on, Zanka. You’re okay,” He says with tears in his eyes.

This really fucking sucks. He didn’t think he’d be spending his night like this and he hopes he got there on time to save Zanka from certain death.

He looks down at the kid in his arms and he looks so fragile like this. It breaks Enjin’s heart to see Zanka like this. He’s so used to Zanka being the strongest and so full of will and life. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if this kid dies here.

He hauls Zanka into the passenger seat of the jeep, buckling him in carefully before running to the driver’s side and getting behind the wheel. He’s pressing the gas pedal to the floor and shooting off in the direction of HQ once again.

He’s sure he’s probably driving faster than he was on the way to find Zanka, but he doesn’t care when his life is on the line. He keeps both hands on the wheel, chancing glances at Zanka every once in a while to make sure he’s not dying in the seat beside him.

Enjin’s sight is blurry as he drives but it’s fine. He needs to focus on getting Zanka to Eishia as quickly as possible.

Actually, speaking of Eishia, Enjin holds down on his choker, gaining contact with Eishia.

“Hey, Eishia? You there,” he asks, waiting as patiently as he can for a response.

It takes a few moments but then there’s a response from the other end, “Yeah, what’s going on? It’s… two in the morning, Enjin. What could be import-”

“It’s Zanka, okay! Don’t tell anyone, I don’t want anyone to panic, and I’ll explain everything later, just be ready for when I get there! He was out in a no-man’s land. I’m not sure how long he was out there for. So whatever you need for that, have it ready. I’m a few minutes away, okay?” He rushes out, cramming all the information at once to avoid wasting time.

It seems as though Eishia wants to ask a ton of questions, but she decides against it once hearing the panic in Enjin’s voice, “Okay. I’ll be waiting.”

Enjin gives her a short ‘thank you’ before continuing his mad drive back to headquarters.

It doesn’t take long before they arrive outside of the main doors and Eishia is there, waiting patiently for the both of them. Enjin slams the car to a stop and jumps out of the driver’s side to grab Zanka and follow behind Eishia as she rushes to the infirmary

Enjin drops the kid on one of the beds and steps back, letting Eishia work her magic to heal Zanka. He watches with bated breath as Eishia grabs onto her spark plugs to convert the electricity to life-force. She’s mumbling something under her breath that Enjin can’t quite distinguish, but it doesn’t matter.

Enjin is nervously biting his nails as she works over Zanka’s body. A few quiet moments pass before she finally backs away and looks up at Enjin with a small smile.

“You did good, Enjin. He’ll be just fine since you found him when you did. Any later, and he might’ve been a little less lucky.” She says calmly.

Enjin sinks down to the ground in relief, finally able to breathe after the past 30 minutes moving on autopilot. He lets out a heavy breath, covering his face as he starts to sob aggressively. He doesn’t even know why he’s crying so hard now that he knows Zanka will be alright. But he was just so… fucking worried. He was so convinced that Zanka wouldn’t make it and he’s relieved to know that the kid will be okay.

Eishia places a hand on Enjin’s shoulder, giving silent comfort as he cries, “I will have to stay for a bit though, to make sure he’s okay when he wakes up. But while we wait, tell me what happened.”

Enjin nods and sits down on a chair beside Zanka’s bed. Eishia pulls up a second chair, getting ready to listen to whatever Enjin has to say.

It takes Enjin a while to collect himself before he finally speaks, sniffling deeply, “I just… had a feeling something was wrong. And I had been thinking about talking to him because I was so… worried. But when I went to find him-”

He continues telling her the story of how he discovered of Zanka’s disappearance and everything that followed afterwards, including finding the suicide letters, searching crazily for Zanka afterwards, finding Zanka laid out in the garbage dump, and everything else in between.

Eishia listens carefully without interruption and Enjin lets out a heavy breath after getting all of it off of his chest.

“So… what I’m hearing is that we need to find Zanka a therapist, hm?”

“You know there’s no such thing as therapy on the ground,” he snorts.

Eishia sighs and nods her head slowly in agreement. For a civilization so advanced for its trashy conditions, people still refuse to acknowledge the need for treating mental illnesses as much as physical ones.

“Well, what’s your plan then? I’m assuming you’re going to keep a watchful eye on him, yeah?”

“I mean, I kinda feel obligated to. I feel like I’m the only one that can understand what he has going on.”

Eishia listens silently, and doesn’t ask Enjin to elaborate on that last part, but he’s sure she figured out what he meant by that anyway.

“Well, that’s for you to figure out. Whatever you decide to do, it’ll be in Zanka’s best interest. I’m sure of it.” She promises.

Enjin nods back at her and the room falls silent. Eishia takes that as her cue to leave, and she asks Enjin to call her whenever Zanka wakes up so she can take his vitals and ensure her healing worked on him completely.

Enjin tries to stay awake, but his attempts turn out to be futile as his eyes slip closed and he’s snoozing within minutes.

He’s exhausted…

His body feels like lead and his head is pounding like mad.

His eyes drift open and he takes in his surroundings. He feels the fabric on top of him… a blanket, okay. So, in a bed… and there’s a beeping noise that’s consistently ringing next to him. So he’s able to distinguish that he’s in the infirmary. Oh shit, he thinks, bringing his hands to rub down his face.

Now he’s starting to remember. He left HQ… no mask, no-man's land, being unable to breathe, a familiar voice… then nothing. Oh yeah, he was… trying to uhh… kill himself, wasn’t he?

Anyways, that clearly didn’t work if he’s here, alive and breathing. Zanka closes his eyes and wills away the tears that are forming in his eyes, because jesus, he was really about to just… give up.

But how did he get back here? Zanka thinks back to the last thing he remembers. That… voice, it was really familiar. He just can’t quite place his finger on it.

A… familiar voice? Who could it have been? Never mind that, he’s not getting anywhere with that thought process. The next thing he notices is there’s someone beside his bed.

Blond hair, tattoos all over his-

And oh God, it’s Enjin. Enjin was the one to find him. That’s why the voice was so familiar.

Oh this is bad. Enjin was the last person he wanted to see him like that. Oh, he feels like a horrible person. And he’s about to cry… no, he’s definitely crying now.

Tears slip down his face and he starts to whimper quietly, bringing his hands up to cover his mouth as he tries to stifle his cries. But clearly he didn’t try hard enough as Enjin shifts beside him, eyes slowly opening, disoriented at first before they clear up and land on Zanka.

“Woah, okay… Hey, man. You alright?” Enjin says, his voice raspy as he reaches out to move Zanka’s hands away from his face.

Zanka stares up at Enjin with such a sad, yet exhausted expression before warbling out an, “I’m so sorry…”

Enjin falls silent and he watches as his expression hardens before he dips down to hug Zanka tightly, holding the back of his head to his shoulder as he breaks out into the most heart-breaking sobs.

It feels so good to just be held, Zanka realizes. That’s all he needed. He just needed to be comforted, he just needed Enjin. He regrets everything.

“I’m sorry… I was trying, I really was. I just got so tired of trying to act like I was okay. I didn’t mean to sca-”

“Zanka, stop. Just… be quiet for a moment. I’m not mad at you, you don’t need to apologize to me.” Enjin says in the softest tone that Zanka has ever heard leave his mouth.

Zanka’s sobs eventually ebb out into hiccups, then eventually silence. Enjin holds onto him for a few more minutes before letting go and sitting back down in his seat.

Zanka goes to open his mouth but Enjin holds up a hand in a ‘be quiet’ motion, and he snaps his mouth shut in response.

Enjin holds down on his choker and taps into Eishia’s comms, letting her know that Zanka was finally awake.

Zanka waits patiently for Enjin to stop before opening his mouth and speaking again, “I know you have questions”, he says, fumbling with his fingers nervously.

“Yeah. But I’ll ask after Eishia figures out what to do with you. I don’t want her to listen in, and I'm assuming you don’t want that either, do you?” Enjin questions, leaning back in his seat a bit to get more comfortable.

Zanka shakes his head, sighing deeply. If he’s being honest with himself, he doesn’t want anyone to find out. But the chances of that happening are low.

“Alright, that settles it then. We’ll talk afterwards, okay?”

“Okay, Enjin.”

Eishia comes and goes pretty quickly. Only coming in to check on Zanka’s breathing and vitals. Before she leaves, she puts together an IV for him to pump some nutrients into him.

The door closes behind Eishia and it leaves just Zanka and Enjin alone in this big room with no one else to interrupt them. It’s uncomfortable because Zanka knows what comes after this.

Enjin is going to want to talk and the thought of venting makes Zanka’s skin crawl. He’s so used to carrying everything on his own that the thought of someone caring makes him feel like he has been left bare for everyone to see.

“We can sit and hold off on this for as long as you want, or we could just get this out of the way now,” Enjin murmured, crossing his legs.

Zanka starts biting his nails, humming to himself quietly. He doesn’t even know where to start. There’s no gentle way to tell your mentor that you’ve been suffering on your own for months.

“I…”

“I don’t want to die.” Zanka says, feeling his eyes start to sting.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore, you know? It’s been like… constant suffering. And I just felt like I was bothering everybody with my endlessly bad mood.” He sniffles.

Enjin gets up from his seat and moves to get in the hospital bed with Zanka, it’s a tight fit, but he makes it work for the both of them. Zanka shifts to make room for him before Enjin wraps his arms around him in a hug.

“Can I tell you something?” Enjin asks and Zanka nods. It’s not like there’s any benefit to hiding stuff and Zanka is a prime example of that.

“You remember when I said you saved my life?”

In all honesty, Zanka really doesn’t. He must’ve said that during that period when Zanka was like… mentally absent a lot. But he nods anyway to get Enjin to move on.

“I remember being in a pretty rough place at that time. And I was losing sight of what I had really become a cleaner for. At least, until I found you in that well. Because as much as I couldn’t take care of myself, I couldn’t leave you like that.”

“So, I started to focus on raising you instead. You turned out to be a pretty damn good distraction. You came in with all your sarcasm and wittiness — a pain in my ass, that's for sure.” He snorts and that gets a laugh out of the both of them.

“So any time you feel like you’re alone in how you feel, just know that I’ve felt it too. And any time you feel like you’re no one’s first choice or no one would miss you, understand that I made the conscious decision to take you in as one of my own.”

“You’re not a burden and I love you so much, I regret nothing about that day. Being your mentor has been the greatest experience of my life.” Enjin finishes, sounding a bit choked up. Zanka looks up to see Enjin beginning to look a bit teary-eyed.

All he can do is gape at him and wait for him to collect himself.

“Alright, Jesus. Didn’t expect that.” Enjin chuckles, wiping at his eyes before readjusting their positions to rest his head on top of Zanka’s.

They sit in comfortable silence for a while, appreciating that both of them are still alive to be there for each other.

“I’ll try not to scare you like that again.” Zanka whispers

“I sure hope so, I’m thirty, you know? It’s not healthy to stress out my heart that much”

Zanka groans loudly and shoves Enjin to the side with an aggressive eye roll. “I have literally watched you smoke a whole pack of cigarettes in one day, you’re not really the perfect example of good health choices.”

Enjin laughs in response and for the first time in a while, Zanka feels somewhat normal as he laughs along with him.

It’s February 3rd, and also Zanka’s 20th birthday. He woke up this morning feeling more nervous than normal, because just under two years ago, he wasn’t sure he was going to live to see this age.

His 19th birthday was only a few months after his attempt, so it was spent under Enjin’s watchful eye. He wasn’t able to fully celebrate the next year of his life like he wanted to.

Initially, Zanka didn’t want his suicide attempt to be broadcast to the entirety of the cleaners headquarters. But acknowledging that he needed to reach out more was step two after he came to terms with the fact that he was, in fact, sick.

It took a lot of help from his fellow cleaners to feel like himself again.

Anyways, that doesn’t matter anymore, Zanka decides as he pulls off his blankets and swings his legs over the side of the bed to get up. He stretches out his arms as he walks, heading to his bathroom to take a shower.

He turns on the water, twisting the knob to the correct temperature and letting it warm up while he brushes his teeth. Looking in the mirror now, he’s able to look at his reflection and feel proud of where he has found himself.

He’s not as thin as he was during those couple of months, his skin isn’t a sickly pale, and his eyes aren’t baggy from exhaustion. Once done with brushing his teeth, Zanka strips off his clothes and steps under the running water.

One thing he learned during recovery was that he needed to start enjoying the small things in life, such as the glide of the soap over his skin and the feeling of his fingers combing the shampoo and conditioner through his hair.

The smell of his woodsy soap fills the contained area and he soaks it all in before finally rinsing and turning the shower off. He sighs contentedly, wrapping himself in a towel before walking back into his room and picking out his clothes for the day.

He picks a basic outfit of a tanktop and grey baggy jeans, layering a jacket on top of it for later since it’ll be a bit cold — curse having a February birthday.

Of course, with a basic outfit, he has to accessorize. He puts on his typical earrings before adding on a necklace and a few rings. The main event is his makeup though.

That’s also a new development that Riyo had helped him discover along the way. He doesn’t wear it often, but it’s a special event today, so why not? He sits down at his desk and pulls over his mirror, leaning closer to start doing his eyeliner.

He makes something resembling cat eyes on both sides, but he doesn’t care to fix it. They’re alright and that’s good enough for him. He pairs the eyeliner with a darker red on his lips. He’s only doing eyeliner and lipstick today, he settles on before getting up and finally leaving his room.

He makes his way to the dining hall where he was told everyone would be and opens the door to be barraged with a collection of, “Surprise”s and “Happy birthday Zanka”s.

His mouth curves into a smile once he takes in all the faces surrounding him. Enjin is at the front, holding a cake in his hand that has ‘Happy 20th, Zanka’ written on top in perfect cursive.

“We were waiting for you, dude. What took you so damn long?” Enjin huffs, holding out one hand to tug Zanka to a table.

Zanka rolls his eyes but sits anyway, letting Enjin put the cake down in front of him, “It’s called self-care. You could learn a thing or two about it.”

Which is ironic coming from him, but no one says anything about it. They all gather around the table instead and someone turns off the lights, submerging the entire room in darkness, save for the candles on top of his cake that illuminates his face.

Someone counts down and then there’s a chorus of everyone in the room singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to him. There’s a smile permanently plastered on Zanka’s face and he can feel himself tear up a little bit.

But he doesn’t let the tears fall, he worked too hard on this eyeliner to do so. The singing sounds pretty bad, but that’s not what matters. Zanka is just surprised that he ever doubted that he was loved. Just looking around, he can see so many people that are willing to take a bullet for him in this room alone.

The singing eventually comes to a close and Rudo shouts over everyone else, “Make a wish, grandpa!”

Zanka furrows his eyebrows and looks around to find the scumbag. He locks eyes with him and shouts back, “Says the one turning 18 this year. You’re not much better off than I am, you little shit!”

Rudo flips him off and the others laugh at their banter but eventually quiet down to give Zanka space to make his wish.

He closes his eyes and thinks deeply about what he could want for his one wish.

I… wish that this year will bring me more love and positivity. Lord knows I need it, Zanka thinks before finally blowing out his candles.

Claps follow and Zanka smiles once again, all teeth and smile lines.

The festivities tire Zanka out. But the one thing that he was nervous about hasn’t come yet.

Hours after the partying is over, Zanka finds himself waiting outside waiting for Enjin. He’s leaning against the passenger door, looking down at his phone every once in a while to check the time.

Ten minutes after their agreed upon time, Enjin comes out of the main doors, smiling apologetically.

“Hey! Ignore the fact that I’m late. I just wanted to bring something with me for this.” He says, jogging over to the jeep before hopping into the driver’s side and unlocking Zanka’s side.

“You’re so annoying. Remind me to never expect you to be on time for anything again.” Zanka grumbles, getting into the passenger seat and putting his seatbelt on.

Enjin sighs and puts the car into drive, putting the vehicle into motion and allowing it to creep forward a bit before pressing his foot on the gas.

Zanka jolts in his seat and grabs onto the middle console, never getting quite used to Enjin’s reckless driving.

“Can you slow down. We’re literally not even in a rush.”

“No can do, little guy. My name is Enjin for a reason,” He says, patting the dashboard as if it holds precious cargo — aka, the engine.

The car falls silent for a moment before Zanka blurts out, “Is it normal to feel this nervous?”

Enjin looks over at him and raises an eyebrow before looking back ahead of him, “Yeah, of course it is. Your first tattoo is always scary. You don’t know what to expect and it's a foreign experience.”

“I just feel like I should’ve been more prepared for this. I have had this planned out for a while. Maybe I’m just not ready…”

Enjin shakes his head, “Nope. No way, I’m not letting you talk yourself out of this. We both know how much you’ve wanted to do this. And I am all for it. You’re going to go in, and crush this.”

Zanka wriggles in his seat, gulping nervously as he sees them approaching canvas town quicker and quicker. He’s trying not to get cold feet but it’s hard. He knows how permanent this is and he doesn’t want to regret it.

“Okay, you’re right. I’ll be fine. I’m just… thinking too much.”

“Yep, it’s all in your head. You’re fine. I mean, just look at me. I know what I’m talking about here, alright. I’m completely covered in tats. I would never lead you astray.”

Zanka shrugs, “I’m trusting you on this. Don’t fuck me over, Enjin.”

Enjin hums in understanding, slowing down the car significantly as they get closer to the destination. He turns left down a street and stops in front of the tattoo parlor he always goes to that’s run by one of his close friends, Hideyoshi Andou.

Enjin hops out of the car first and waits for Zanka to join him before they both walk into the shop. The inside is like they stepped foot into a demon’s lair or something. It’s entirely too dark and the lighting is red all around.

Zanka barely gets enough time to ingest all of the decor before they’re greeted by a man with light blonde hair and a goat patch. His locs are slicked back underneath a backwards cap and Zanka can already tell he’s buzzing with energy.

Enjin walks up to him and gives him a big hug, “Yo! It is so great to see you again! It’s been too long.”

“I know! You’ve been all over the place, huh? I was beginning to think you were done getting inked up, I was starting to feel sad without my favorite customer”

“Nah, I could never stop, even if I wanted to,” Enjin says before pulling back and pointing at Zanka, who has been watching their interaction quietly.

“This guy here is Zanka. You know, the kid I tell you all about?”

“Ah… So you’re Zanka? Nice to meet you, dude,” The guy beams, holding his hand out for a hand-shake that Zanka takes in stride.

“Nice to meet you too,” He smiles easily.

“Anyways… We’re not here for anything flashy. We just wanted to get matching tattoos, if that’s cool with you?”

“You don’t even have to ask, man. I’ll get you right, you know I will,” Hideyoshi grins.

After getting their tattoos, they head to a nearby cliffside. It’s a nice way to end such an eventful day and they’re sitting around with a few snacks and drinks, laughing over stupid shit and just appreciating each other’s company.

They’re just watching the sunset when Enjin finally pulls out the something he brought out with him from headquarters.

It’s a small, rectangular box and Zanka looks up at him with an exaggerated smile while taking it from his hands, “A gift… just for me? Oh you shouldn’t have!”

“Calm down, you little idiot. It’s your birthday and it’s to commemorate our new tattoos.”

Zanka hums and opens the box, looking inside to find a necklace with the infinity symbol as the charm.

“You know, I looked it up. The infinity symbol can mean a couple of things. Including a ‘journey of recovery’ as it’s kind of… ongoing.”

“You’re by no means the same person you were two years ago, but I just thought you would like it. It’s a testament to how strong you are and how proud I am of you.”

Zanka’s heart is warm and he wipes at his eyes as he feels the waterworks starting, “Ah, fuck you for being even more sentimental today than you needed to be.”

Enjin laughs and slowly takes the box from Zanka’s hand, taking out the necklace to clasp it around his neck.

“There ya go…” He says with a smile.

Zanka looks down at himself and touches the infinity resting on his neck, feeling complete with himself. Recovery has been tough for him, but it’s all worth it in the end for moments like this.

Zanka pulls out his phone and ushers Enjin in close, “Come on. Let's get a picture. I want to remember this moment.”

He holds the phone in his left hand before putting up his right pinky finger where his new semi-colon tattoo is. Enjin puts up his left pinky finger to join his, showing off his own semi-colon in the picture.

They both have beaming smiles as Zanka presses down on the shutter button, capturing their pinkies in between their faces with the pretty sunset in the background.

Things are gonna be just fine, Zanka thinks with a new sense of finality.