Work Text:
Asher’s POV:
The first thing he felt was pain.
Pain in his chest. Pain everywhere.
He struggled breathing and every breath he took hurt.
This had to be it. He was dying. But he felt relief at that. He would see Brennan again and all this pain - emotional and physical - would end.
When he could open his eyes her realized that he was at the healers quadrant and that there were healers around him.
„Don’t move Colonel!“ Someone said. As if he could.
„You’re having a heart attack.“ Another of the healers said. Yes, he had gathered that already.
„General, has your husband’s family a history of other illnesses?“ A third healer asked.
„We don’t know.“ Came a clipped voice from the other side of the room.
He looked in the direction where the voice of his wive came from. She stood in the corner of the room. Arms crossed in front of her chest and she had a hard gaze on him.
„We’ll need to get Nolon.“ One of the healers said. „This is to severe.“ He heard someone hasting out of the room but he could only look at his wife.
With one person less moving around she came over and uncrossed her arms. At first the look in her eyes was unreadable. Like it had been most of the time since Brennan had died.
When she stood beside him she took one of his hands in hers and then he could see pain in her eyes. Unbearable pain.
He felt another stab to hie heart. This time not because of the heart attack but because he realized he was the reason she had this pain.
She leaned down to him so that their faces were close and she spoke to him with a quiet voice which stayed even despite the pain he could see in her eyes.
„Please don’t leave me. You’ll have to pull through. I can’t do it on my own.“ And there was so much pain and fear in her eyes.
He just gazed at her and when he didn’t reply Lilith grabbed his hand tighter and with desperation in her voices she said: „Promise me you’ll pull through. You have to promise me you’ll come home.“
And he took every strength he had and nodded.
He would not be the reason that his Lilly was in even more pain. He would not be the reason that she had to grieve even more. He would pull through.
With that she took his hand to her mouth and kissed it, leaving his hand at her lips and her touch helped him to breathe through the pain.
A few moments later Nolon came in and began his work. Damn that was even more painful than the heart attack itself. He felt himself squeeze his wife’s hand in pain and closed his eyes.
And he felt his wife squeeze his hand in return. She still held it to her lips and she gently ran her other hand through his hair and stroked his face.
Like always his wife was the pillar of strength that helped him pull through.
After a while the pain faded slowly and he opened his eyes. Nolon was speaking to Lilith.
„He’s still weak but he’ll make it. I mended everything I could.“
And Asher saw relief in her eyes. When Nolon left she turned to him again. „You’ll make it Asher.“
„I promised I would.“ He croaked out and with that a smile took its place on Lilith’s face and her eyes shone with love. Love and adoration for him.
His breath caught again but this time because he realized that he couldn’t even remember when he had last seen this look in her eyes. Possibly before Brennan died. Since then he had only seen despair, grief, need, anger, pain or even nothing at all because she had closed herself so far off, that even he couldn’t read her anymore. He was sure his eyes were the same.
He looked at Lilith and she was just so beautiful like that. He tugged at her hand and she understood what he wanted. She leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss on his lips. „Sleep well my love.“ She said softly. The hard General far away and with that he let exhaustion pull him under and he fell asleep.
After a few days he could go home to their quarters and could rest there. His wife and his daughter took care of him but staying in bed was really boring and after a week he had organized himself a cane so he could at least move around in their quarters. And soon the daily life started again around him and everything was as it had been before.
He hadn’t seen that look of love on his wife’s face again.
With all that sitting around at home and not being able or allowed to do much of anything he was getting in a sour mood but he tried to hide that as well as he could. Lilith and Violet didn’t deserve his bad mood just because he was feeling holed up and sorry for himself.
He was waiting for his next healer appointment. Everything would be better if he was actually allowed to do anything.
The healer appointment came and he was given a clean bill of health. No restrictions anymore. He could go back to work and start sports again. He was finally free of his boredom.
But his bad mood didn’t lift. There was no relief at the news. Just acknowledgement.
In the evening he was sitting on the couch in their quarters. His daughter was sitting at the dining room table and studied for her scribe training and he couldn’t help but mope. He was feeling miserable. Everything would be as it had been before. Brennan was dead. He had to work and he had to train his daughter. Day in. Day out. Where was the sense in that?
Why the hell hadn’t he just given up when he had that heart attack. That had been his opportunity to escape this senselessness.
The door opened and his wife came in.
Right.
That was the reason why he hadn’t given up. She had pleaded with him and had imprisoned him in this senselessness. Because he had promised her he wouldn’t leave her alone. Great now they could be miserable together again.
„Good evening.“ She said in greeting.
„Hi Mom.“ Violet said without looking up from her studies. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything.
„I assume you have already eaten?“ His wife asked while hanging up her uniform jacket.
„Yes Mom.“ Violet answered in the same tone as before and continued to read and when he still didn’t answer his wife came around and looked at him.
She had to know that he was given a clean bill of health this morning. The report had gone straight to her desk. She was most likely wondering what had him in such a bad mood but he just couldn’t bring himself to play happy.
She laid her head to the side and looked at him intently, like she was trying to dissect him. He saw that she was confused and couldn’t figure out what exactly was wrong with him but he knew she had obviously seen that he was in a bad mood.
She reached some kind of decision, drew herself up and said: „I’m going to bed early Asher. Are you coming too?“
He knew what she was saying. What she was offering.
She was offering him a fuck. Because that was what they did. Ever since Brennan had died just two and a half years ago Lilith and him were trying to survive and they clung to each other to do that. They knew each other so well they often knew what the other was feeling without needing to talk. So when one of them got too overwhelmed by grief, sadness, anger or anything like that and the other one would notice the other one would offer a fuck so they could release the pressure. It happened once in a while. Maybe once a month and the rest of the time the knowledge that they loved each other pulled them through. That and they had buried themselves in work.
But this time he couldn’t bring himself to take what she offered. He was sure it would help to release his frustrations but it wouldn’t change anything. It was just a bandaid on a huge open wound.
He looked at her and shook his head. „No I’ll stay here for a while.“
She looked shocked and confused and maybe even a bit hurt at the rejection but that look vanished in one second and back was the wall of stone. She turned around and left for their bedroom and that made him just so angry. He had stayed alive for her and she couldn’t even bother to ask why he was feeling so bad. Just offering a cold fuck.
He sat there brooding for a long time even after Violet had gone to bed. After a long while, long after midnight, he got up and went to bed himself.
Lilith was already asleep and he was glad for that. He couldn’t face her right now.
But sleep wouldn’t come. While he was staring at the ceiling he realized he couldn’t go on like that. Just surviving. He needed to live again.
But his wife had gotten so cold. He knew she still loved him very much but she didn’t act on that. They survived because they had to because they still had Mira and Violet.
Their love was the feeding ground for that survival but their actual relationship was … well not dead but dormant. At least he hoped it was only dormant.
They didn’t talk. They didn’t enjoy each others company for the sake of enjoying it. They didn’t show each other how much they loved each other.
They were feeding off the knowledge that they loved each other but they didn’t nourish that love.
He remembered that look of love and adoration Lilith had given him after Nolon had mended him and he missed that. He missed her. His Lilly.
But she kept that under lock and key. He feared that if that didn’t change the love would die and there would only be resentment because she had made him stay.
When she was so relieved that he had survived. Why the hell didn’t she show him that. And he grew angry again. Angry at her.
He turned his head and looked at her. She had her face turned in his direction and even in sleep she looked exhausted. In her sleep she couldn’t keep up her mask and she looked so small. So exhausted and sad.
He realized that he wasn’t being fair.
She had done everything she could. Like they both had the last years. She had seen that he was in a bad mood and had immediately offered help.
Yes, she hadn’t asked. Hadn’t talked to him but he hadn’t either. She had done the same thing that he had done. They both had done for the last two and a half years. He hadn’t talked either. He had just taken from their love just as she had. He couldn’t put the blame on her alone.
And his heart attack had been hard on her as well.
Just because he had reached a point where he realized that he couldn’t go on like that anymore… That they won’t be able to go on like that. Him realizing didn’t mean necessarily mean that she had come to the same conclusion and it wouldn’t be fair to expect that from her. People were different. Lilith and him were different. That was one reason why they had always worked so well with each other. What one of them had missed the other did not. So maybe it was his responsibility to take the first step. To rekindle their romance. To restart their life. And with that realization he finally fell asleep.
So in the following days he started with small gestures. Like they had done to show their love before… well before everything went to hell.
Lilith and he were no people for grand romantic gestures. They weren’t like that. Especially not Lilly. She never had much left for „chocolates and flowers" as she called it. So he returned to their old habits.
He made breakfast for the family. Real breakfast and not just a bowl fruit and yoghurt were everyone could have their pick. He served Lilith coffee in her favorite cup. When she left for her office he handed her a small prepared box with her favorite fruit. While Lilith was working on a report in the living room he prepared dinner and played her favorite music. When he went to the village he brought her her favorite pastries and when he stumbled over a book of rarely used military strategy that he thought she would find interesting he brought it home and left it on her desk in her private study.
She didn’t really notice. While he got a „thank you“ for the things he brought her, she didn’t seem to recognize that he did it as a way of romance.
It frustrated him. After a week of trying he was brooding again in bed when he couldn’t sleep. He began doubting. He feared he had been too late. That it was too late for their relationship. But after a while he came to the conclusion that those were the things they had done to nourish a healthy relationship. Now they had an almost dead relationship. He probably needed to actually pull the big guns.
The next morning while they were having breakfast Lilith informed them without looking up from her food that she had been summoned to Calldyr.
She would leave next week and would stay for about a week. The King had requested it. Some important receptions, conferences and some grand ball to attend.
And somehow he felt he had to resolve their situation before that. He couldn’t bare the thought of her leaving for a week without giving him one more look filled with love and adoration like she had done at the healers.
But he couldn’t figure out when to do it.
Not that he didn’t love his daughter but she was always around which made it a bit difficult if one tried to plan a grand romantic gesture.
The possibility presented itself a few days later. It seemed that Prince Halden had been summoned to Calldyr as well to attend that ball.
The ball was wednesday so the prince would to leave on monday by horse for his one day long journey and since Lilith needed to be there on monday evening for a reception she needed to leave on monday morning as well on Aimsir.
Violet wanted to spend the night with Halden to say goodbye since he would be gone as well for the week.
Normally he wouldn’t have been pleased because he didn’t like the crown prince much. Asher thought that the man was just using his daughter who was significantly younger than him but when his daughter had asked and pleaded with him he saw the opportunity for him and had agreed.
He was even so generous and gave her the afternoon off from learning. She had been so thankful that she had thrown her arms around him and hugged him.
He felt bad for a moment. That he had thrown his principles over board for a romantic evening but he reminded himself that Violet was almost 18. There wasn’t much he could do to stop that relationship anyway. And they would meet and spent time together if he allowed it or not. He wasn’t stupid he knew his Violet wasn’t some untouched innocent flower. She hadn’t been for a few years now. Even before Halden.
So he himself had changed his shift in the archives and created himself a free afternoon to prepare his own romantic farewell. He got to the village and bought flowers and candles and other stuff like that.
When Lilith entered their quarters that evening, the light was dimmed. There were candles all over the living room and there were red roses on the table. Asher had prepared her favorite dinner and had brought out her favorite wine and soft romantic music was playing.
He looked up and saw Lilith standing at the door. Seemingly turned into stone. He saw her take everything in and saw a look of confusion came over her.
„What’s going on? Have I missed something?“ She asked.
„No, I wanted to do something nice since you are leaving tomorrow.“
She still looked quite confused.
„But why this? If you want sex you can just say so!“
He sighed. He really had to spell it out for her.
„No, I don’t want sex.“ At her disbelieving look he elaborated.
„Lilith, I miss you. I miss you as my wife.“
She still looked confused. „But I’m here.“ She said.
„No you are not. The General is here. Not my wife, my Lilly. We both haven’t been here these past years. I miss you as my partner. I miss us as an actual couple. When was the last time we just talked about how our day has been without anything significant taking place. When was the last time we talked about us. About our feelings. When was the last time we told each other that we loved each other. When we held hands. When we were just a couple. When we were happy.“
„You know I love you.“ She said harshly but Asher gave her only a look and when she averted her eyes he could see her chin trembling.
„I don’t know when we last did that after…“ She couldn’t say it. He knew. She swallowed.
„Afterwards everything drowned. Everything hurt. I just couldn’t. Asher I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again.“ She whispered.
He sighed again.
„Lilith, I think we need to try. That heart attack showed me that I can’t go on like that. I need to live. I can’t just survive.“
Her eyes widened in fear and she gasped at him. „But what if we do and you’ll just be taken away from me.“
He came over to where she still stood by the door and took her in his arms.
„Do you really think it would be easier if we hadn’t been happier together? Things can happen everyday. It’s just as possible that I’ll lose you and I for one know it would help me to know that at least we made the best out of the life we had together. I don’t mean that we’ll have to be as happy as before or that we even could be but maybe a bit. A bit of joy and happiness.“
He held her close and turned his face into her short hair. She seemed to think about what he said. Really think about it. After a while her shoulders relaxed and she gave herself more into the embrace.
„Alright.“ Lilith said quietly into his chest. „I’ll try.“
„Thats all I’m asking my darling.“ He said and he felt her smiling against him.
After a few more moments together he pulled back.
„So come sit down. I made all of your favorites for dinner.“ He said enthusiastically.
„I know. I realized.“ Lilith said with a small smile around her lips.
„Thank you.“ She added softly.
When she sat down she looked around once more. Taking everything in again.
„Asher, why all this? Roses, candles… That was never our thing.“ She asked
„Because I wanted to make a grand romantic gesture to sweep you off your feet.“ He called jovially from the kitchen while he prepared their plates.
Lilith laughed. „Why?“
He came into the living room. „Because you my dear were quite ignorant to all my small gestures.“
„I was?“
„Yeees. The pastry, that book, your favorite cup, the fruit packages.“
„Oh.“ He saw how she played the last two weeks back through her mind and recognized his actions. „Oh Asher. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe what an ignorant bitch I have been.“
„No, no, there is absolutely no reason to apologize and please don’t insult the woman I love.“
She smiled at him.
And from then on everything felt easy for that evening. They talked for hours. Not about the important and heavy stuff but about everything and nothing. About their last week. Asher talked about his new research project. Lilith about her relatively new aide who she had hired only two months ago and who was doing remarkably well even though she just had two years of previous experience as an aide under one Major and one Lieutenant Colonel. About Violet. About the changes Asher had noticed in the village near Basgiath. The new bakery he had discovered while preparing for their dinner. About their plans for the next week. Everything and nothing.
And it had been so wonderful. They had laughed and joked and after they had eaten dessert they had held hands on the tabletop and Asher had stroked Lilith’s knuckles.
After a while they just sat in comfortable silence staring into nothing and just enjoyed each others company. It felt peaceful Something Asher hadn’t felt in quite a while.
„You know this is exactly what I needed.“ He broke the silence. „This is us and it gives me peace. I missed this.“
Lilith smiled at him again and there was this look in her eyes again. Pure love and adoration. And he fell. They had loved in the last years but they had forgotten how to be in love with each other. And at the look Lilith gave him he fell in love with her all over again.
„I hadn’t realized how much I have missed this as well.“ She said. „How much I needed it. I really love you so much.“
Asher got up and pulled her into his arms to hug her.
They were standing like this in the middle of their living room for what felt like an eternity and then he tipped her head up and for the first time this evening he kissed her.
It was nothing like the kisses they had shared in the last few years. Not just a quick peck to say good bye or an open mouthed kiss to create lust. No, just soft and careful and lingering and full of love.
After a while they let go of each other.
„I guess we’ll have to clean up.“ She said.
She was right of course. It was late and she had to get up early to travel to Calldyr tomorrow.
They started to clean up the living room and she was doing the dishes. When Asher came back into the kitchen after he had blown out all of the candles, she stood with her back to him. Her sleeves were rolled up and her hands were in the sink. She had a relaxed stance and she was humming. He hadn’t seen her that relaxed in the last years. Even before Brennan’s death. There had been the fight against the rebellion which had taken up all her time. Now she looked just like his old Lilly.
He couldn’t help himself. He needed to be close to her. He came up behind her and stroked her arms. He angled his head to the side and tenderly kissed her neck. She leaned back into his touch and stopped what she was doing. Sighing.
He pulled her tighter to him and began to kiss her neck more passionately. She sighed again and turned her head to catch his lips with hers. They kissed and he ran his tongue over her lips. Lilly sighed again into the kiss . His hands traveled to her waist and caressed her there. He stroked her stomach and moved his hands up to her ribs. Finally he turned her in his arms and began to kiss her more deeply while his arms went around her again and stroked her back, trying to touch as much of her as he could. Asher felt her wet hands go around him and pull him to her and his lips left her mouth to travel over her cheek and down to her neck. Lilly gasped and let her head fall back.
„I thought you said you didn’t want sex.“ She breathed.
„I didn’t.“ He said between kisses. „But now I need to feel you close to me. I want to be with you. As close as I can be. I want to have you in my arms and never let you go.“
At that Lilly moaned and pulled his head back up so she could kiss him more passionately and hiked one leg up to his hip. They groaned together.
„Bedroom! Now!“ Lilly said between kisses.
And they went.
They took each others clothes off while kissing the body of the other. When they laid down together on their bed they kissed deeply but unhurried. Hands wandering. Exploring. Rediscovering.
The last years it had always only been about relief of emotion and pressure. Clinging. Groping. Everything to release the emotion that they were trying to numb with sex. But they hadn’t touched to really feel the other person.
This time they were enjoying it. They were taking their time and just touched and caressed and kissed. After a while Asher began to move between her legs to finally be as close to her as humanly possible when she stopped him with a hand on his chest.
He looked into her eyes. Confused. He knew that it wasn’t lack of lust that had her stopping him. He saw in her eyes that she had lust and wanted him and he had felt that she was ready but he saw worry in her face.
„Lilly?“ He asked.
„Is this really ok?“ She asked „I mean with your heart. Will you be alright?“
„It’s ok Lilly. I have full clearance from the healers. Even for this. But if it helps to appease your worries you can be on top and we’ll be careful.“
She nodded. He saw that she was afraid to lose him and even though he knew that there was no danger from them having sex he laid back and pulled her on top of him. He would do everything so that his Lilly felt secure.
And she kissed him again and very carefully lowered herself on his length. They both moaned.
It felt as if this was the first time they had done this in years and at the same time it felt so familiar. It felt like coming home.
Lilly rode him slowly looking down at him with so much love that he felt as if his world would explode and after they were sated she stayed partly on top of him and they fell asleep. Probably one of the most restful nights in a long time.