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Olivia hadn’t exactly been looking forward to this award ceremony. 

Ed, though, had been ecstatic. He’d invited his entire family, bragged about it to all of his friends, and if it hadn’t been for his insistence, she probably would’ve found a way to skip it. 

She knew better than most how hard it was to be taken seriously and in a male predominated field, especially in one like the PD, but she wasn’t exactly comfortable getting up on a stage and being seen as some kind of hero when she was just doing her job. 

Ed didn’t agree with her – he’d told her time and time again that she always did more than was necessary, especially after she became captain – still, she insisted it was too much. 

The victims, the survivors, they should be the ones being recognized, they should be the ones receiving something – not her. Especially because when one person spoke out, it often stimulated others, and that’s what they needed. They also needed more funding for SVU, and it pissed her off that she had to smile and receive this award and say pretty words as if 1PP hadn’t constantly made her job more complicated than necessary, as if they hadn’t tried shutting down several investigations ever since she was a junior detective.

She’d be much more excited if they stopped meddling in her job, instead of giving her some lame award that was much more due to politics and to try to prove the NYPD wasn’t a hostile place for women. 

Still, Olivia had to concede they’d chosen a beautiful venue, and she couldn’t stop herself from smiling when she heard Fin’s speech, or when she saw her husband’s and children’s faces light up when she got on stage. 

She hadn’t meant to scan the audience while she got the award from Garland, but she supposed it was instinct, now, after so many years on the job. 

And that’s when she saw him. 

When she finally got down from the stage, after what seemed like hours, she immediately found herself in Amanda’s arms. 

¨You deserve this, Liv.¨ 

Olivia wanted to thank her, she wanted to express how much that meant, hell, she wanted to tell Amanda how much she meant to her. Instead, what she found herself saying was, ¨I saw Elliot Stabler in the audience.¨

Amanda blinked. 

She knew who Stabler was, of course she knew. Had heard his name whispered here and there during her first year in SVU, and few and far in between after that. On the rare occasions his name had come up, Munch or Fin were the ones who talked about him, rattling about old cases and trying to explain why Olivia was so distant during her and Nick’s first months in the 1-6. 

She didn’t think, in the 10 years she’d been working with Liv, she’d ever heard her say his name. 

In the few occasions she had mentioned him, she always referred to him as her ¨old partner¨. 

¨Stabler, Stabler?¨ She asked, eyes wide, to which Liv nodded. ¨Your old partner, Stabler? The one that left out of the blue, never said anything about it and was the reason you were kind of a bitch back when I joined the squad? That Stabler?¨

¨The one and only.¨

¨Oh, dammit.¨

Together, they walked to the table where they were seated, where Ed and her kids waited for her, joined by Phoebe, Fin and Carisi. 

¨Mama!¨

The tension that had set in her back ever since she’d put eyes on him loosened just a bit when Olivia heard her two year old daughter calling for her, followed by the sound of chairs scraping the floor and her two older sons rushing forward to hug her. 

¨My boys,¨ she said as she bent to their level and pressed a kiss to each of their heads. She had barely looked up before Ed was passing the fussing toddler to her, who she adjusted on her hip before also pressing a kiss to her head. 

And even though Liv’s emotional state had been severely shaken barely fifteen minutes before, when she’d spotted Elliot and Kathy Stabler in the audience after ten years of radio silence, she swore everything was alright when her daughter looked at her with those big hazel eyes and said, ¨I love you,¨ in her tiny, sweet voice. 

¨I love you too, Maggie, so, so much,¨ she told her, pressing a series of quick kisses to her daughter’s hair, earning giggles from the toddler.

Ed was waiting for her by their seats, and when he pulled her close by her waist, effectively smushing their daughter between them, he murmured, ¨Beautiful speech, honey.¨

¨Ed,¨ she muttered softly once they parted, her eyes meeting his, ¨Stabler’s here. I saw him in the audience.¨

His sharp intake of breath was enough to tell her what he thought of the situation.

¨I didn’t… I had no idea he would be here,” she explained, her eyes going everywhere in the room but to him, the words pouring out of her, ¨I havent’t… we haven’t… I don’t know… why is he here?¨

To her surprise, when she looked back to him, she saw understanding – even more than that, she saw trust – and she breathed a sigh of relief. 

When she’d seen him in the audience, she hadn’t even noticed him properly. And yet, as soon as her brain had caught up with what she’d seen, she’d had to double take. She’d repeated to herself it was just her mind playing tricks, or someone who freakishly resembled her old partner, except when she looked back, she had no doubts it was him. 

She hadn’t let herself stare – hadn’t allowed eyes to linger. For a second only, she had felt like the air had been pulled out of her lungs, and her stomach had churned. She’d thought she was about to throw up in front of the entire brass. What the fuck? Her heart was pounding in her ears and it was only Fin’s hand on the small of her back as he nudged her in Garland’s direction that brought her back.

When she’d given her speech, she hadn’t glanced once in his direction.

And throughout it, a sense of uneasiness overtook her. Though she knew Elliot being back was definitely related to whatever it was she was feeling, she also knew that there was more to it. 

She just hadn’t been able to pinpoint it – until then. 

Until she met her husband’s eyes and saw he had complete trust in her. 

It dawned on her that the uneasiness – the anxiety she’d felt when she spotted Elliot in the audience – was not only related to him being back and what that meant to her, but also what it could mean to her family.

She had a family now – it wasn’t just her, anymore, hadn’t been for a couple of years. She was married to a man she loved, she had children, and friends, she was Captain and ran a squad, and she was actually happy – something she hadn’t been sure she’d get to be – especially after Lewis. 

Elliot being back out of the blue after so much had happened, after she had gone through literal hell and back – it wasn’t only jarring – it was almost cruel. He’d left and he hadn’t said a word to her, and suddenly he was back? 

What was he doing there? 

Where was he when I needed him?

She’d had to understand herself, her life, after he’d left. Had needed to get used to the chasm in her heart, in her routine, had needed to come to terms with who she was without him, and Jesus Christ, to say it had been difficult was an understatement – but she’d done it. She’d made a life for herself, a life that didn’t revolve around him, except now he was back, and she was worried his presence could disturb everything she had so carefully built after he’d left. 

And Ed… Ed knew what Elliot had meant to her when they were partners. They’d had this conversation the night after she’d been made a hostage in the Townhouse, when she accidentally let it slip that when Lewis had her, the thought that made her get through it was Elliot. In the Townhouse, though, what got her to through was the thought of Noah and Ed. It had been the certainty that they’d be there if – once – she made it outside. A certainty that was quickly confirmed once she called him and he’d shown up as fast as he could, leading the negotiations and making sure she and the kids were safe. 

The topic still appeared here and there, at times. After years in a relationship, a marriage, three kids, a retirement and a few other hostage situations, she found it easy talking and opening up to him. But, looking at him at that moment, she abhorred the fact that she had been so honest, simply because the possibilities of what could be going on in his head petrified her.

Gosh, Ed and Elliot.

They had hated each other back then. If she was being completely honest, she had strongly disliked Ed as well, had been sure that he had something against her partner and SVU as a whole. It wasn’t until she was made CO of SVU that she understood the seriousness of some of the things they’d done, and that Ed had been doing his job, just like them. 

She and Ed, they'd created a beautiful life together, the two of them. And the mere thought that something could disrupt it – it wrecked her. 

So, when she looked into Ed’s eyes and found not only understanding but trust, she almost collapsed from relief. 

She had loved Elliot. For years. But he had left, and she had moved on. And she needed Ed to know that while one day Elliot had been everything to her, he wasn’t that – not anymore. She had changed, her priorities had changed, and Elliot and her, well, they no longer knew each other.

She figured he’d always be important to her. He’d always mean something, and she still missed him, at times. She wished he’d been around in the last couple of years, that he’d been there when she became a mom, and when she was promoted – but he hadn’t – and in consequence, he also lost the spot he’d once had. Her everything, now, was right in front of her. It was composed of Ed, her children, and her closest friends, who happened to be her squad. 

Looking at Ed, she was certain that he trusted her to pick them and to not mess up what they had, even though she could tell he was nervous. Worried. But the fact that he trusted her – it made her hopeful that she would be able to deal with whatever the night was about to become, whatever type of situation or emotional distress Elliot Stabler would inevitably cause when they talked (she wasn’t particularly inclined to talk to him, but she doubted he’d let her be). 

Ed smiled at her softly, his hand lightly squeezing her waist as a sign of support.¨You okay?¨

She nodded. She was unsettled, for sure, and trying to clamp down the emotions that were trying to claw their way out of her ever since she had met his eyes in the audience. Still, having Ed there to stabilize her, like he’d done so many times ever since they got together, helped – he allowed her to stay grounded. 

He narrowed his eyes at her, as if he didn’t really believe it. ¨Just say the word and I’ll have him dealt with.¨

She tilted her head, raising one eyebrow. ¨Dealt with? Hon, you’re not even with the force anymore.¨

¨I might not be,¨ he agreed, ¨But I was NYPD for thirty years, Liv. I was a Captain and, in case you’ve forgotten, this whole event is for my wife who also happens to be a Captain. That’s gotta count for something, I think.¨

She chuckled and, without hesitating much, pressed a quick peck on his lips. 

¨Let’s sit, Ed,¨ she said, motioning to the chairs beside them. 

As she pulled one of the chairs, he gently held her elbow to stop her. ¨You’ll tell me, right? If you want him gone.¨

She shot him a cocky smile. ¨If I want him gone I’ll make sure he knows and regrets coming, Ed.¨ Noticing the slight furrow on his brows, though, she acquiesced, ¨I’ll tell you.¨

¨You better, because if you’re accused of something I won’t be there to clear your name. I’m not IAB anymore, honey.¨ 

She huffed out a laugh. ¨Thank God for that. It’s bad enough to have a rat bastard in my house, imagine if I had to deal with you at work as well.¨

¨That’s not what you said last night when I–¨ he smirked.

¨Don’t you dare,¨ she hissed, flushing brightly. She rolled her eyes at him when she heard him chuckling as they sat down to enjoy the dinner that was being served. 

She had been making rounds after dinner was done – talking to detectives, superior officers and journalists – when she heard the unmistakable sound of her daughter crying. She’d immediately excused herself from the conversation she was stuck in, not upset at all to have a reason to leave, and beelined to the table where her husband was still sitting with their children. 

Once she got there, she couldn’t help but be a little amused at the scene in front of her. Noah was describing something animatedly to Rafael and Nick, who both looked a bit confused but nodded their heads sporadically as if not to put a damper on the child’s excitement. James was out like a light, asleep in what she imagined was a terribly uncomfortable position, sitting in a chair that was far too big for him and with his neck bent at an odd angle. 

She let out a weak laugh at the sight. It honestly amazed her how he could sleep anywhere, no matter what was going on around him. She often joked with Ed that if he wanted to, he’d be a great cop, after all, they both remembered when they had to squish any amount of sleep they could possibly muster in the cribs.

¨If I could sleep like this back then, my days as a detective would’ve been much easier,¨ she commented once, after finding Jamie sleeping on the floor, his cheek squished into one of Noah’s legos.

Ed, for one, hated when she suggested that, because he did not want any of his kids joining the force. ¨I’d like them to have somewhat of a normal career,¨ he explained after she’d asked him why he was so opposed to the idea. ¨With normal hours and, you know, without risking their lives.¨

While watching her boys filled her with warmth, looking at Maggie almost broke her heart. The little girl squirmed in her fathers chest, her cries very clearly caused by exhaustion and probably by the change in routine, too. Ed was doing his best to calm her down, bouncing her around and talking to her in what Olivia knew was a soothing tone, but to no use – Margot continued sobbing against him.

¨Sweetie,¨ she said, getting closer to them.

Maggie, upon hearing her mom’s voice, screamed even louder, turning her head and stretching her arms in her mom’s direction, her cries of ¨mama¨ being interrupted by the hiccups that shook her body. 

¨Let me have her, Ed¨, Olivia said, already taking their screaming daughter from her husband's arms and adjusting her on her hip. He was about to protest when Maggie let out a particularly loud wail which quickly made him change his mind. 

Still, he questioned, ¨Won’t she get in the way when you’re greeting others?¨

¨She’d never get in the way, Ed. Besides,¨ she added, ¨She gives me a great excuse to escape boring conversations and politiquing.¨ She cocked her eyebrow at him. ¨But if you do want to help, you could hold our son who’s sitting like that, and save us the trouble of listening to him whine about his neck tomorrow.¨

And upon seeing the position the boy was in, Ed’s eyebrows rose so high they almost met his hairline. He gently pulled James up and held him close, whispering something in his ear when the boy stirred. 

Looking up from the sleeping boy who now rested comfortably in his chest and back to his wife, he asked, in awe, ¨Really, how does he do that?¨  

It took a while to calm Margot, but once the little girl stopped crying, she quickly drifted to sleep. Olivia sighed as she knew she needed to continue her role of socialising, and signaled to Ed that she was going to continue greeting and thanking those who had come. 

She’d just finished talking to a journalist when she heard his voice and froze in place. 

¨Liv!¨

She turned in its direction, almost as a reflex, her eyes widening and heart rate picking up. ¨Elliot.¨

And just like that, he was mere metres from her, for the first time in a decade. She felt the air leave her lungs, and although she wanted nothing more than to pretend she hadn’t heard him and continue in the opposite direction from where he’d come from, she found herself unable to move, and could do nothing but watch as he approached.

There they were, face to face once again. Their eyes met and both of them were pulled into a sort of trance. 

She didn’t know what to do. What should she do? What does one do when they reencounter, after ten years, the one person they had loved the most, but that had left as if it were nothing, without even telling her goodbye? She was spared of having to decide on her course of action though, when another voice she hadn’t heard in the same amount of years called out for her, ¨Olivia!¨

Kathy.

Olivia thought, for a moment, that she was having a nightmare. Surely she’d had this dream before. It was only her daughter's weight in her arms, her steady breathing against her chest, that reminded her that the situation was very much real and unfortunately not a dream. 

Kathy was staring at her – her eyes searching her face, a swirl of emotions coursing through them.

¨Congratulations on your award,¨ she said softly, almost as if she was afraid to speak too loudly. She was smiling, but there was something else behind her expression – Olivia just couldn’t say what. She stepped forward, no doubt to embrace her, and Olivia found herself reflexively stepping back. Just for an instant, there was a flash of hurt in Kathy’s eyes, albeit the woman masked the look fairly quickly. 

That was enough to awaken Olivia’s anger.

Kathy (and Elliot) had no right to be upset, to look hurt. They were the ones who left, who cut her out of their lives completely without looking back. She was the one that had to pick up the pieces of what was left after thirteen years of partnership and a friendship of sorts that were simply thrown out the window. One day they’d been there and the next, they were gone. How come Kathy looked hurt that she didn’t want to hug her? Did she really think Olivia was going to be happy to see them, with no notice, after a decade of no contact? Did she really expect Olivia to greet her as if nothing at all had happened in the ten years they were absent?  

Was she that naive? 

And though she had no idea how she managed to do it, Olivia swallowed her anger, forced out a smile and said, ¨Kathy.¨

She looked good, Olivia thought. Possibly even better than she had the last time they’d seen each other. Her hair was a darker shade of blonde than she remembered, but it suited her, and her skin had a slight tan. She looked… lighter, as well, as if the time they’d been away had allowed her to breathe and put aside some of her worries. 

Olivia didn’t know how to feel about that. 

¨It’s good to see you,¨ Kathy told her, and Olivia hated how sincere her voice sounded. She could only stare back – her mind still reeling at the fact that they were there. Of all the ways she had imagined reuniting with the Stablers, she’d never thought it would be like this. She’d imagined every possible scenario, except, maybe, this one. 

While they looked at each other in what seemed like a mutual loss of words, she felt Maggie slipping and adjusted her yet again on her hip.

That seemed to be the first moment either of the Stablers noticed the sleeping girl. 

Kathy’s eyes softened impossibly, before she asked, ¨Who's this?¨ 

Olivia was about to answer, but she stopped herself before the words flew out of her mouth. She would tell them Maggie was her daughter, but she was not going to give them any other information, including her name. They’d lost that privilege the day they decided to leave and didn’t tell her a thing. 

¨This is my daughter,¨ she said. 

¨Your daughter?¨ Kathy whispered, her eyes widening.

She nodded once, sternly, and glanced quickly at Elliot. He looked, at the same time, absolutely devastated and proud, his eyes suspiciously glassy (she ignored that, though; she wouldn’t be able to handle it). 

¨I always knew you were going to be a mom, Liv,¨ he choked out after a beat, his voice hoarse.

And Olivia hated it. Hated how he said those words, hated that she knew exactly what moment he was thinking about, and most of all, hated that he looked upset when he was the one who left. 

Still, it was the use of the nickname that flipped a switch, because he had no right to call her that anymore. 

¨Olivia.¨

¨What?¨ His brows furrowed in confusion. 

¨Olivia. Only my friends call me Liv.¨

Understanding settled in him and his shoulders slumped, his eyes pleading.  

¨Look, Liv-¨

¨I just said, it’s Olivia,¨ she gritted through her teeth, ¨and I think we’re done here.¨

¨Liv– Olivia, please–¨

¨Thank you two for coming.¨ She forced a smile she knew wouldn’t fool anyone, and continued, ¨I hope you enjoyed the night, and please send my regards to the kids, especially to my godson,¨ she said, emphasizing the last word.

At that, the couple appeared to be distraught – Kathy wasn’t able to hide her wince and Elliot genuinely looked like he was about to throw up. 

Unfortunately for Olivia, saying those words wasn’t nearly as satisfying as she wished it to be.

Before they could say anything else, though, she turned and headed back to her table. She needed to be with Ed, her children, take a breath and put as much distance between them as possible. 

And then she needed to go back to socializing. 

Fuck you, Stabler, she thought, wedging her way through waiters and guests who wanted her attention, fighting the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes, why couldn’t you just stay away?

Elliot didn’t know what he was doing. 

He was in New York for the first time in two years and he was in Manhattan. 

Usually, when he and Kathy visited, it was strictly family related, and as Maureen was the oldest and had the most space, they always stayed with her, in Queens. Mo had been born and raised in the borough, so, when she and Carl were looking for a house to buy before they got married and started their family, it wasn’t hard to decide which part of the city she wanted to live in. 

Because of that, whenever Elliot and Kathy were in the city, they’d stayed in Queens, distant  from anything that made Elliot think of her. 

Now, though, he was there for work, which meant he was in Manhattan, right in the middle of the chaos of New York City. 

His mind wondered. 

Through the streets he had roamed multiple times with his partner, through the diners and bars that they’d frequented, through Central Park and the paths they’d followed, all the way to the 1-6 and always, always, to her. 

Olivia. 

He couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that they were so close, for the first time in years, and yet, they’d quite possibly never been so distant. 

¨El? Are you ready?¨ His wife asked. 

He restrained himself from snorting. He didn’t think he’d ever be ready, and he was questioning, for the millionth time, if going to her award ceremony was the right decision. 

He had no idea how the night would go. 

They hadn’t talked in ten years. No, he reminded himself, he hadn’t talked to her in ten years. He left the job, the house, avoided her calls, and never went back to the precinct. After what had happened with Jenna, he couldn’t bear the thought of stepping in the squad room again, nor muster up the courage to face her. 

The job was killing him, at that point, and shooting Jenna was his limit. 

It was considered a good shot. IAB had, to his surprise, released him. 

But she was just a kid, and even though IAB released him, he hadn’t been able to release himself from his guilt. 

The shooting had been his last straw – things had already been hard for a while. He remembered the sleepless nights, the fights with Kathy and, worst of all, the sense of detachment he felt every time he went home and needed to pretend everything was fine. 

He’d realized pretty soon after it happened that he needed a change. Eli was still so young, and he wanted to be there for his son, actually be there and enjoy the moments, without looking at him and thinking about all the terrible things he would see on the job. He wanted to go to work without seeing his children’s, his daughter’s, his wife’s faces in every victim. 

When the shooting had happened, it broke whatever small piece inside him that was still holding up, and he knew he needed to leave. He’d barely been able to look himself in the mirror, in the days that followed it. He’d despised what he’d done, even if Jenna had killed sister Peg, even if she had pointed the gun at Liv. 

Liv.

The knowledge that she’d survived unscathed, with no bullet holes in her body, that had been the only thing that gave him some semblance of resignation over what he did. And while he’d been glad for that, he still hated what he’d done. It made him sick to think that he’d do it again, if need be. He’d been terrified at the prospect of losing her, and the only way to stop it had been by killing a young girl. He’d hated that that was what it came to, but knowing that Liv was well… he couldn’t exactly regret what he’d done.

That wrecked him. 

He’d wanted to talk to her. He’d wanted to answer when she called. He’d wanted to tell her that he couldn’t do it anymore, because he felt like he was slowly losing his mind. He’d wanted to tell her that he had never, ever, felt panic like he had the moment Jenna pointed the gun in her direction, that he couldn’t fathom the thought of living in a world where she wasn’t there. There were so many things he’d needed to tell her, at the time, but if he’d had, everything would’ve blown up, and even worse than living in a world without her would be living in a world where he couldn’t have her. Still, every time his phone had lit up and he’d seen her name, he’d frozen. He hadn’t managed to pick it up. Hadn’t been able to talk to her, because even though he’d known she would understand if he explained to her why he needed to leave SVU, he’d also known that if they talked he wouldn’t be able to move on.

He’d known that the second he heard her voice, he would’ve gone after her. She was the only one who understood him, who could calm him down, who could level with him. In the state that he’d been, he knew all it would take was listening to her call him ¨El¨ once for him to leave Kathy, break up the family, his vows, end everything he and Kathy had been trying so hard to give Eli – all at the risk of losing whatever he had with Liv, too.

He’d known that she would never get with him if she thought she was the reason he and Kathy were done, and he couldn’t risk losing their partnership over something that might not even work out. 

He’d also been terrified that instead of finding support, he would turn to her and find disgust. He felt those things for himself already, so how could he expect that others wouldn’t? Kathy had paled, when she heard what happened. He’d seen her looking at him with a worried frown, as if she didn’t exactly trust him, as if she was afraid of him. But it might’ve been his mind playing tricks (that’s what he told himself). The thing was – he could deal with Kathy thinking that about him. She had never liked the job, never liked violence (even in movies), and had always looked at him with wide eyes the few times he’d mentioned a case where things got ugly. In a way, he’d been dealing with her negative feelings toward this side of him for the entirety of their marriage. 

But he wouldn’t have been able to handle Olivia thinking this about him. 

It was very different, for them, shooting a suspect who was on the run or who aimed at them, and shooting the daughter of a victim, who was also a victim herself. Liv was the biggest voice for victims, how had she felt about the fact that he had killed one himself? They’d always been so similar, so in sync, that he’d only imagined that she felt as repulsed by his actions as he did, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to deal with that.

So he cut her off – didn’t pick up her calls, put his papers in and never went back to the 1-6. 

He put her in a box, and buried it somewhere deep inside him. There, she was safe. Alive and uninjured, still glad to work with him and not repulsed by his actions. If he was leaving, he needed his last memories of her to be good ones, or at least, ones where she was doing well and didn’t hate him. 

So, as he and his wife left the hotel 1PP had booked for them and entered the cab that they had scheduled, he questioned yet again why he had agreed with his wife about going to this ceremony. 

He wanted to see her, gosh, he wanted it so badly. But he had left. He hadn’t contacted her, had told his kids not to contact her, had completely shut her off. He had no idea how her life looked, now. He imagined (or maybe hoped) that not much had changed. She was still in SVU with Fin, albeit now she was Captain (he felt a rush of pride whenever he thought about it), and she was probably still living in Manhattan, though he hoped she had upgraded from the tiny one bedroom she had lived in during their partnership. 

Maybe, just maybe, there was still space for him in her life. 

He knew he should have called her instead of just showing up, but, just like it had happened ten years before, every time he picked up his phone and thought about calling her, he found he couldn’t. Kathy had been pissed that he was making such a big deal out of calling her. She never believed him when he told her that they were not in contact, and during one of his long staring contests with Olivia’s phone number, she’d grabbed his cellphone and called Liv herself.

Only for an old man to pick it up and tell them that that had been his number for the past eight years, he had no idea who Olivia was, had never even heard of her, and for them not to call him again because they had disrupted his day. 

He’d found it strange that Liv had changed her number after so many years, but he imagined she might’ve wanted to do it after Elliot left - maybe as a way to make sure that he would not be able to contact her if he wanted to. 

He told himself that the call had meant he tried, even if it was Kathy who called. 

He told himself it was enough, even though he knew it would be extremely easy to find some other way to contact her, especially when he was back at the force. 

He was pulled out of his thoughts when they arrived in the place the ceremony was being held – and he suddenly felt dizzy. What was he thinking? But then Kathy was pulling him by the hand, and in the blink of an eye they were inside, and there were people he hadn’t seen in years greeting him, asking about his life, a waiter handing him drinks and he figured it was too late to back off.  

He didn’t know what to expect when he saw her again. He wasn’t stupid, he knew she’d probably be upset. He didn’t think she’d run into his arms, crack a joke or even acknowledge them. Later that night, he thought, bitterly, that if she had ignored them it might’ve actually been better. 

Once the initial shock of being face to face with him had passed, he had seen her putting her guard up. Pushing him and Kathy away. Using a neutral voice that he’d only seen her use when talking to her superiors (not Cragen – he was exempted from that).

It didn’t escape his notice that she hadn’t told them her daughter’s name.

God, she had a daughter. Olivia was a mom. He knew that having a child, a family, was probably the one thing Olivia had longed for the most, and he had always known that she would be great at it, when the time came. 

And knowing it had happened – he felt happy for her. Ecstatic, actually, because if there was one person who deserved it, it was Liv. He still remembered when she’d told him she’d been rejected by adoption agencies. How broken she’d been, how hopeless she’d looked. 

And yet, there she was. Not only Captain, but also a mom, and he felt overwhelmed by the emotions that coursed through him. He was ridiculously proud of everything she’d accomplished, but at the same time, he felt a deep sense of sorrow, intertwined with guilt, because he hadn’t been there to share it with her. She’d risen through the ranks – sergeant, lieutenant, captain – and he hadn’t been there. She became a mom and he hadn’t even had the faintest idea until he saw her in front of him.

He knew nothing about her child. He didn’t know her birthday, her quirks, hell, he didn’t even know her name.

And Olivia wasn’t willing to share it with them. 

They’d been partners for thirteen years. They had saved each other countless times when things went bad, and she had known and loved his kids, had saved Kathy and Eli’s lives. 

But her guard was up, and she was treating them as strangers.

It crushed him. 

He wished she would argue with him, make a scene in front of all of the guests, the brass, just like they’d done after the Gitano case, because if she was mad, it meant that she cared. He’d seen, just for a second, what he thought was anger in her eyes, but it had faded so quickly that he wasn’t really sure it had been there. 

She wasn’t rude or disrespectful. She didn’t snap at them, didn’t ask them to leave. She greeted them like he imagined she was doing with everyone she wasn’t particularly close or fond of – and it hurt.

Being ignored would’ve been better than being treated just as an acquaintance.

As he watched her walk away, he wondered how badly he had screwed things up. 

As his eyes followed her figure, another face caught his attention, and the devastation he was feeling as Olivia walked away quickly morphed into distaste.

Tucker.

Unconsciously, he clenched his jaw, hot anger coursing through him at the sight of the man who’d made his life a living hell when he was still at SVU. What was the IAB rat doing there? Was he going to try to take away Liv’s award, seeing as he clearly hadn’t been able to take her badge? 

He hadn’t even finished processing the information that Tucker was in Olivia’s award ceremony, hadn’t even come up with a somewhat plausible explanation, when he noticed that the man was holding a child – a small boy who was clinging to him.

At that, Elliot went still. 

There were lots of people at the event, however, there were no children. 

As a father of five, he understood better than anyone how hard it was to take kids to certain gatherings. They talked loudly, got bored, complained, and went snooping in places they shouldn’t – it wasn’t exactly easy to take them to these formal situations. In addition to that, most of these events took place after bedtime, and this was a NYPD ceremony – it definitely wasn’t the most child friendly place. 

That could only mean that the children who were in attendance had to be something to Liv.

His heart started beating faster as a thought he really, really didn’t like came to him.

Before he could actually consider the abhorrent and completely repulsive idea, he shook it from his mind. Olivia had hated the guy. She wouldn’t do this, no matter how many years had passed. He couldn’t even remember how many times Liv and him had sat down at a bar or on her couch and just went on and on, rambling for hours, complaining about him. With that in mind, he came up with two possibilities: either Tucker was there alone with his child, though from what Elliot had known, he wasn’t married or had children, or the boy was Olivia’s son and for some reason Ed Tucker found himself in babysitting duty, which he also found this repulsive – why would Olivia’s child be so comfortable being held by Tucker? And why would she allow it? 

His eyes darted back to Olivia who had walked straight to where Tucker was, and he watched, in slow motion, the two of them interact. The soft smile Tucker gave her, the way she stroked the little boy’s back, words being exchanged between the two adults. The way Tucker approached her, taking care not to bump the two sleeping children they carried, and kissed her temple, saying something he supposed nobody but her would be able to listen. 

Somewhere while watching them, he’d started shaking.

Olivia and Tucker.

Olivia and Tucker.

His stomach churned. 

The two children between them – he wondered if they were twins. 

Her daughter.

Her son.

He felt like he was going to be sick. 

Kathy Stabler had known, for years, that her husband wasn’t in love with her. 

She was (now) okay with that. They had been pushed into a marriage when they were kids themselves, not even sure about what they wanted or who they were. Elliot had stepped up, he’d supported them, he’d never cheated, he made sure to be there for the kids and worked his ass off to give them the best he could. She considered that they had been fairly happy the first few years after their marriage – that was, until Olivia came into their lives.

She’d watched, from the sidelines, her husband change. 

It wasn’t a big, abrupt change, but small ones that happened slowly over the years. 

Elliot leaving the house earlier because a suspect had fixated on Liv so he needed to give her a ride. Elliot getting home later, because he and his partner needed to review a case, causing him to miss dinners and their kid’s bed time. Elliot answering his phone at the first ring when she called, but not picking up when one of their kids was sick or needed to be picked up from school. 

She’d often wondered – feared – that something else was going on. That her husband was tired of her, of their lives, that he regretted the kids and saw their family as a prison of some sort. And when she met Olivia for the first time, she felt like that was a very real possibility. Not only was his new partner beautiful, but she also seemed to be completely in tune with Elliot, in a way that none of his previous partners had been, in a way that she hadn’t ever been with him, and he was her husband. 

Watching them, she’d thought, it looked right. Natural. The way they interacted, joking and sharing glances, it seemed like they had known each other their entire lives. 

But, as much as she wanted to hate the other woman, she found that she couldn’t.

It would've been easy to despise her if she'd been arrogant or if she had crossed certain lines with Elliot... but she never did. Actually, Olivia had made sure to send Elliot home, and had always been so caring towards her and her children. More than that, Olivia had respected her. 

It was nice.

Kathy often felt diminished by her friends and family – because she hadn’t finished university, because she relied on Elliot, because she wasn’t much other than a mom and a wife. And, even though she knew it wasn’t true, even though she knew being a stay at home mom was a full time job that wasn’t nearly as appreciated as it should be, she frequently found herself wondering if they were right. If Elliot thought the same about her. 

In the few occasions she and her friends met up with each other, she felt their pitiful stares and judging glances. 

Olivia, though, never made her feel less than. 

In fact, Olivia seemed impressed that she was able to manage so much. 

I can barely take care of myself, god help me if I had to take care of four children and a house, as well, she’d laughed.

It was good, she thought, being appreciated – being taken seriously (especially by someone like Olivia – not that she’d ever admit that out loud).

But Kathy wasn’t stupid.

She saw the looks the two of them exchanged, the longing in Elliot’s eyes, the way Olivia gazed at him when she thought no one was noticing. She felt Olivia’s attention on them when she stopped by the precinct, and noticed how Olivia would act as if she wasn’t interested in what they were talking, though her posture often said the opposite. 

She had watched as her husband fell in love with another woman. 

She had watched and waited for the inevitable.

But it never came.

As time moved and she got to know Olivia better, she knew deep in her bones that the woman would never do anything, because she respected their family too much to be responsible for tearing it apart. It was weird, she pondered, that she trusted Olivia so much. But after so many years, after so many times where Liv had had Elliot’s back, had taken care of him, of their children (of her, too), she gathered it wasn’t that strange. 

Deep down, she also knew Elliot would never cheat on her – she had known his dad, knew his history with his mom, and was well aware that Elliot tried his best everyday to not be like his father. He’d stayed – but she wouldn’t have found it strange if, when they’d been separated, he’d gone skipping in Olivia’s direction. 

She knew part of why he’d stayed had to do with guilt, though, and she wasn’t really sure how she felt about that – about the fact that Elliot saw her, their marriage, as an obligation, as a duty he had to fulfil. 

Still, when things got bad in their marriage, Kathy hadn’t been able to stop the thoughts from bubbling up, or to stop herself from throwing angry accusations at Elliot (despising the fact that they had gotten to that point).

When Elliot shot that young girl years ago, she had known that their life was about to change completely. 

She’d known that Elliot would never be the same. She’d known that, whatever had happened, it meant the end of something. 

She just didn’t know what. 

His days at SVU? His partnership with Olivia? Their marriage? 

When he got home later that same day and told her he needed to take some time to think, she never thought it would end up with them moving to the other side of the ocean just a few weeks later. He told her, in the days that followed the shooting, that he needed to distance himself from Liv. She never, in a million years, thought he meant it or that he'd hold it up. She didn’t bother him, though, because Elliot had been a shell of himself, and every time she tried mentioning Olivia he shut down again. 

She thought that, with time, he’d contact her again. But then days passed and turned into months, which turned into a year, and by then she didn’t really know what was going on. Elliot had never really opened up to her about his job, but that year he hadn’t opened up to her about anything. She supposed that he had contacted Liv at some moment, but that whatever it was they’d once had had been damaged and that the communication was scarce. 

She never believed when he told her they hadn’t talked.  

As soon as she saw Olivia staring at Elliot as if she’d seen a ghost, she knew her husband hadn’t been lying, and all at once there was an intense rush of feelings and thoughts cursing into her. Shock, because they had been Benson and Stabler, partners for over a decade. How come they hadn’t talked in ten years? Regret, because she’d let it happen, stopped asking him about her, hadn’t ever picked up the phone to contact her, even though Liv was Eli’s godmother, Elliot’s partner and most importantly, her friend. Horror and, worse than that, shame, because it was then and there that Kathy realized they really had abandoned this woman who had done so much for them throughout the years. 

¨Stabler.¨

Elliot had still been watching Olivia when he heard the familiar voice calling his name. 

He turned, smiling, only to be met with an icy glaze. 

¨Fin, how’ve you been?¨

He was met with silence. 

¨Look Stabler, we ain’t gonna do this. In fact, if we weren’t in a room crowded with cops, I’d already have punched your stupid face.¨

¨Fin–¨

¨No man, you’re gonna listen to me right now.¨ Fin stared him down, and he nodded wearily, allowing the man to continue. ¨Look, I don’t know where you got this piss poor idea of just showing up here unannounced after all this time, but let her be, got it? It 's her night. Do you have any idea how hard she had to work to get here? And then you walk in as if we’re still in 2011? That’s fucked up, man, even for you.¨ Fin’s eyes burned through him. ¨Just back off, `kay? Let her be.¨

¨I wasn’t–¨

Fin scoffed, ¨You were never subtle and time clearly hasn’t changed that. Leave her alone, she doesn’t want to talk to you.¨

¨Fin, I–¨

¨I mean it Stabler,¨ Fin let out, ¨You and I both know that you’re planning on getting to her again, but guess what? She knows that too and made it very clear that she doesn't want that.  So, for once in your life you’re going to put on your big boy pants and not be an ass, you got it?¨

¨I need to talk to her,¨ he pleaded, fully aware that he probably sounded pathetic, like a young child trying to dissuade a parent from a decision. 

Fin looked deeply annoyed.

¨What you need, Stabler, is to get a grip. Move on. She did. Maybe it’s time for you to do so, too.¨

¨Yeah, I can see that,¨ he said through gritted teeth, thinking back to Olivia and Tucker, ¨The rat squad? Really?¨

Fin shrugged, ¨He isn’t that bad, you know, and she's happy. If she’s happy, I’m happy. God knows she’s earned it,” he paused, then adding, ¨and, for your information, he isn’t IAB anymore. Hasn’t been for a while.¨

¨Which unit is he in now?¨ Elliot asked, furrowing his eyebrows, confused. IAB and Tucker were one and the same. If he wasn’t there, who was? Did they even manage to disturb anyone if he wasn’t there?

Fin glanced at him with a funny look on his face, before answering, ¨No man, he retired after they had James.¨

Kill me now, Elliot thought. 

He felt a strange taste in his mouth. He didn’t need anyone around to tell him it was the bitter taste of regret. How the hell had that happened? 

¨The boy with Tucker?¨ he asked in what he hoped was a nonchalant way, desperate for some more information on Olivia’s life, to which Fin only nodded. Still, Elliot couldn’t contain himself, and asked, ¨They aren’t twins?¨

¨What?¨

¨James and–¨, he stopped, cursing the fact that he didn’t know what the girl was called, ¨-her daughter.¨

Fin chuckled, ¨No, Stabler. James is a good two years older than Maggie.¨

Maggie. 

He marvelled at the information Fin had unknowingly given him. 

¨I never thought he'd retire,¨ he mentioned casually. 

¨Yeah, well, from what Liv says, he wanted to be able to spend time with the boys and allow her not to worry about who they were with.¨

And for what felt like the hundredth time that night, he felt like he’d been struck, and he had to suppress a sound. 

¨Boys?¨

¨Yeah, Noah and Jamie.¨

¨Noah?¨

Fin rolled his eyes, clearly pissed at his questions, ¨Their oldest, Stabler. I’m surprised you haven’t seen him around. He’s usually glued to the dessert station.¨

Immediately, he turned his gaze in the direction of said table, feeling disappointed when he noticed there wasn’t a child hovering around it.

¨Let her be, okay?¨

¨Huh?¨

¨Liv. Let her be. Don’t ruin this night for her, Stabler. Don’t pressure her. If you do, I swear to god I don’t care the whole brass is here, I will beat your ass.¨ 

In all the years they had worked together, he didn’t think he’d ever seen Fin so protective of Olivia. Then again, back then he was the one who protected her. It made sense that Fin had filled in that role and that they had grown closer, especially considering both of them were together on the job for over twenty years. The revelation gnawed at his insides, and even if he was glad Liv had someone to look out for her, he couldn’t help the annoyance that surged at his tone. 

He nodded sternly and watched as Fin walked away, still shaken by what he’d learned. 

Children.

Noah, James and Maggie.

Olivia had been a mom for years, now.

She had three children, and up until fifteen minutes ago he’d had no idea about their existence.

It struck him, then, just how different their lives ended up, in spite of how well they knew each other (he refused to acknowledge that they were estranged – he was certain that if they talked, if Olivia gave him the chance, it would be like it had once been). He was a grandfather – his grandsons were older than Olivia’s daughter – and his youngest son was fifteen, already in high school. 

Looking back in her direction, where she was talking to people he didn’t recognize, smiling, with Tucker lingering near her, he felt the devastation in his bones.

What had he done?

He let Kathy guide him through a couple of conversations, nodding along and smiling when he needed to. After a while, though, he couldn’t really continue with the facade, and he called it a night. Glancing one more time in the direction she had been, he was surprised to find Tucker staring at him. 

He still hated the man.

Yet, he nodded once and signaled to the door, and Tucker, to his surprise, nodded back. 

Swallowing the bitterness that made itself present once again, he turned to the door and, holding Kathy’s hand, left the room.

As he left, he could only hope she would forgive him. That she would reach out for him. 

Now that he was back - that he had seen everything he’d lost - he knew he wouldn’t be able to back off, knew that he needed to be in her life, in her kids lives, even if that meant having to be around Ed fucking Tucker.

As he walked away, he knew he had committed the worst mistake of his life when he left the way he did, when he never reached out to her. 

Liv was a good person. He was quite sure she would forgive him, or at least, he desperately needed to believe she would.

He wasn’t sure he would ever forgive himself, though.