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"Would you remember me if I ceased to exist?"
That was the first thing Collin heard when he opened his eyes, more tired than usual, and found himself standing in the middle of a forest, one that felt painfully familiar despite not being registered in his memory. In front of him stood a boy about his age, but slightly taller; he wore a navy blue sweater and a matching cap, but no matter how hard Collin squinted, he couldn't make out any details of his face.
"What's with that question? Are you having some kind of existential crisis or something?"
The questions tumbled from Collin's lips against his will, as if they had been rehearsed beforehand, their tone heavy with weariness and irritation—a tone that caused the other young man to look away, slightly embarrassed.
"It's nothing like that," replied the one in the blue cap, intently studying the orange leaves scattered across the forest floor, as if they were the most interesting thing about the forest floor. "I've realized that I'm not really important enough in other people's lives to cause them any real concern if I simply disappear."
The taller one explained, then looked up, admiring how the sunlight filtered through the leaves and branches of the trees. Meanwhile, Collin could do nothing but listen intently, unable to move or interact beyond what his body dictated. From his position, he continued trying to decipher the face of the person in front of him, but every time he felt he was focusing on something, the features shifted again to something completely different and strange; his head was already starting to ache.
"It's a rather selfish thought, wanting others to care about you just to soothe an insecurity, I know," admitted the one with the blurred features, lowering his gaze again, "but I suppose that would mean you were truly important to someone, and that that someone truly mattered to you as well." "Even if you realized it when it was already too late to truly appreciate it," he added, his eyes glazed over, before resuming his walk and pulling ahead of his companion. "Don't mind me, I'm just overthinking it. We should keep walking; I don't want us to get home when it's getting dark again."
Collin stared at the young man's back as he slowly walked away along the path, analyzing the words the other had spoken earlier. Something about them felt familiar, as did everything around him, and even more so the presence of his companion, but he simply couldn't find answers in his own mind without feeling like his head would split in two with pain. As he continued trying to organize his thoughts, his body tensed completely with a rage that spread and ignited from his chest to every corner of his flesh; before he could process the sudden change, Collin's body was already running towards the other boy, who was calmly walking home. Once beside him, Collin raised one hand and, out of nowhere, delivered a powerful blow to his companion's head, causing his cap to fall to the ground covered in dirt and orange leaves of the forest.
"What the hell are you saying now, you idiot? How can you say nobody cares about you? You didn't even give me time to answer the fucking question, so don't assume anything," Collin said, much to his own surprise, his voice rising with anguish, almost shouting. "You have no idea how I'd feel if you weren't here one day, you fucking retard. Do you really think I wouldn't miss your annoying, irritating presence in my house?" he continued, his voice growing louder and louder, breaking with anguish every now and then. "Do you think I could sleep well knowing that the owner of the bed I put next to mine would never occupy it again? Do you seriously think I'd know what to do if your fucking ass stopped constantly reminding me how to take care of myself?" He kept throwing questions at him, not even giving him time for any kind of answer. "Do you really think I could live without you?" —he finished practically shouting and with moist eyes, breathing heavily as he tried to recover the air that the previous outburst of anger had taken from his lungs.
For a moment, silence filled the space between them, broken only by the rustling of leaves in the breeze, a delicate fragility shattered by a soft laugh that began to emanate from the owner of the blue cap. That calm, serene laugh soon grew into a hearty chuckle, a loud yet sweet and comforting sound that made Collin's heart leap with recognition, finally knowing who owned that voice. A voice he couldn't understand how he had forgotten, a voice he had always adored.
It was then that the one in blue turned around, his features distorted by a fragmented memory, that finally something in him could be distinguished from the previous blurs: hazel eyes so precious, kind, and full of life, that Collin's breath quickened just as it had the first time he saw them. So many emotions overwhelmed him that Collin's eyes began to weep in despair; he wanted to move, to hug him, to protect him and never let anything happen to him again, never let anything hurt him again, but his body simply remained there, painfully still, tears streaming down his face, powerless to do anything as that gaze lost its brightness and blurred once more into senseless smudges and stains, leaving nothing of the features of the person he had once loved so much.
"If you truly loved me so much," the taller one said, his voice quiet, "then why can't you remember my name?"
And it was then, with his face soaked in tears, that Collin woke up.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
His waking moments were a routine he had built over time, with what little remained of his mind, shattered by an anguish that increasingly overwhelmed his understanding. Although the order of his daily activities might vary—though not much, given the constant rain outside his home—he always began the day lying in bed, waking agitated from a dream he could never fully recall. This was accompanied by an anguish so intense it pressed painfully against his chest, while torrents of tears streamed down his face and dampened the pillow beneath his head.
One of his hands would often feel around the empty space on the bed next to his own, which he convinced himself he had placed there from the beginning to have more room and comfort when sleeping, as if seeking solace in the ghost of someone who was no longer there, and who probably never would be again.
You know perfectly well that something is missing, Collin, even if you try not to think about its absence.
Despite how he felt upon waking, and because it was so recurring, Collin flatly refused to classify that dream as a nightmare. He didn't know why, but something inside him didn't want to think that what he saw when he slept was harmful or bad, not when all he remembered were kind hazel eyes that gazed at him with deep love, making him feel like he belonged with that person, but which, sadly, the dark-haired boy couldn't yet connect to any face or person he knew.
If you loved him so much too, you should be able to remember that, Collin.
Once his mind had relaxed a little, and when the misery was bearable enough to get out of bed, that was when a new day officially began.
He ate a little bread without appetite, and after putting on his yellow boots, which curiously matched the rest of his clothes, he went out into the heavy rain that awaited him. He couldn't understand why it never stopped raining, and he didn't even remember when it had started, but he was so used to it that this detail didn't really bother him, and it even seemed like a completely natural phenomenon; it saved him from having to water the crops and the flowers outside his house, and it made him feel relaxed when the cold raindrops fell against his waterproof clothing, trying to soak whatever was underneath them.
He used to make it sunny all the time. Now there's nothing left, is there, Collin?
Collin had his small vegetable garden beside his house, where he grew wheat to have something to eat after the animals and their meat had taken on a strange appearance; but he had no idea how the flowers had gotten there.
The entire area in front of his house was covered with small yellow flowers, decorating the plain simply with their presence, and ending right where the dense forest began. Collin knew perfectly well that these flowers weren't naturally there, that someone had planted them, and that someone certainly wasn't him. It wasn't that he hadn't wondered before why there were flowers, yellow like his clothes, artificially planted in his garden; or why he always unconsciously cut two pieces of bread for breakfast, when he only ate one.
It was his favorite color, Collin, how could you forget that too?
Of course he had those doubts, and many more if you ever had the chance to ask him, but he sensed that he didn't want to know the answer. Something warned him that he shouldn't know; perhaps it was his own mind, or perhaps it was that guilt that gnawed at his soul despite not knowing its source. Or perhaps it was all of that together, keeping him unconscious to avoid greater suffering than he already endured, leaving him in a depression where he could do nothing but slowly sink, waiting for the day when that dream, that precious dream where someone loved him and waited patiently for him, would never end.
You want to see those eyes one more time, don't you, Collin?
She walked slowly across the damp grass covered in yellow flowers, careful not to step on any of them, searching for the perfect place to lie down and rest for a while.
He was all you had left, but even so, you couldn't keep her by your side, Collin.
He found a small empty space among the flowers, and with a smile on her face that could only have been reserved for one person, Collin let herself fall onto the rain-soaked ground, lying face up amidst the grass and yellow buds. Raindrops trickled down her tear-streaked face as she closed her eyes once more beneath the gray sky, hoping that in sleep she might dream of him again.
Rest, Collin. It's the only thing you can do now.