Chapter Text
Chapter 1: God not only rolls the dice, he even cheats
Sometimes Hidan really feels like trying to kill Kakuzu.
Just because.
And not just a little bit, with scratching and licking blood and poking around a bit on or in himself (with a blade, mind you). But really. In the way that teeth fly, bones break, they both end up with bruises and wounds for days, and everyone else is forced to wonder how either of them can still be alive when they're both so badly beaten up.
Occasionally, he even thinks that this is the only way he can stand this stubborn zombie grandpa for even one more day.
After all, he's boring. And aggressive. And old – so incredibly old that all the things that interest Hidan no longer bother him. He's just over it, which probably means that he finds these things silly and childish. His partner isn't interested in anything other than his stupid, dirty money and how he can kill someone who pisses him off in the most creative and painful way possible without putting in too much effort. And when he's not killing or thinking about money, he reads.
Yes, damn it, he reads; old classics whose covers are so worn that these books are guaranteed to be twice as old as Hidan himself – but seriously? READING, is he fucking serious? How bourgeois can you actually be? And boring too! Because when he's not doing that, the bastard just goes to sleep, shutting out the world and his teammate, no matter how much Hidan tries to talk to him. Maybe that's exactly why.
By now, he just shrugs off this behavior. Kakuzu is Kakuzu, and he will always remain the way he is. A boring, taciturn, buttoned-up, humorless, almost prehistoric old fart.
Hidan never intended to join this clown club – on the contrary, they had actually forced him. Orochimaru, that stupid faggot, pretty much kicked his ass, and then Kakuzu was promptly tied to his leg. A pioneer in immortality, pfft. Yeah, right. That's exactly how the geezer reacted back then – turning his head to the side and letting out a contemptuous snort. So brazen and smug, and then he had the nerve to call HIM a cheeky brat instead! Hah! He really had some nerve.
That's exactly why the idea of simply snuffing him out is so wonderful and probably the only thing that helps him tolerate the damn old man. Kakuzu doesn't need to know that it's mainly wounded pride that drives him.
And a little bit of dislike for authority, rules, and his zombie partner. Maybe.
But he's allowed to dream, right? And it really is a beautiful dream. With one blow, this hooded mummy would be a problem of the past, and Hidan could just take off without a bunch of strings wrapping around his throat and pulling him back.
Unfortunately, killing him isn't quite that easy, because his stupid partner has multiple hearts. Strictly speaking, five. Not so strictly speaking, more like five to infinity, because he loves to brag about how easy it is for him to get new ones, whereas Hidan has to waste his precious time with his sacrificial rituals to remain immortal.
What's more, he's currently sitting in a rather crowded pub somewhere in Kusa no Kuni, near the border with Iwa no Kuni, is at least drunk, and has just spectacularly lost a round of the dice game that is quite popular here.
He doesn't even need to look at Kakuzu to know that he's grinning under his mask, over there behind his dice and a large bowl of sake – Hidan knows it's true. His partner's inhuman green eyes have that sparkle that seems to serve no other purpose than to make him angry.
So he quickly downs his own sake, slams the bowl down and has it refilled, while the crowd around him and his fellow players – him and his teammate, appendage, tumor, or whatever, included, there are four of them – cheer enthusiastically.
"You're a sore loser, Hidan," Kakuzu grumbles as the dice are returned to their cups for the next round. He has only taken off his mask five times today – just to inhale alcohol at record speed, always strategically, so that only one person in the audience can see his scarred face at a time.
Hidan is fine with that. When he sees the scarred face, he is always emotionally torn between curiosity, pity, and schadenfreude.
Kakuzu obviously had wounds that had to be stitched up this way – that must have hurt and ruined what was probably once good looks forever. That's the curiosity and pity part.
The other part – the schadenfreude part – is rooted in his fundamental dislike of his oh-so-great teammate. It's always Kakuzu who gets praised by their leader, and Hidan who gets reprimanded. So, in a way, he finds the scars somewhat justified. Someone with such a corrupt character simply has to live with a ruined appearance; there is no alternative, because next to him, Hidan looks even better.
And now, now he has the nerve to sit enthroned at this ugly wooden table as if it were a banquet of the five Kage, where they are gathered here, and not some cheap flophouse where there are more bedbugs than fleas in the fur of a stray dog – and he's starting to annoy Hidan, damn it. Which is unfair. Because annoying people is actually Hidan's job, and he's very reluctant to let anyone take it away from him, especially not this (actually unjustifiably not at all) shriveled-up jerk of a partner!
Promptly, he hates him a whole lot more, and you can tell. By how sharp his tone becomes and how loud his voice gets. "And you're an ugly asshole."
"But still an asshole that beats you. You know, since you already express yourself like a child, I'm not surprised that you play like one too."
Hidan gives him what he so obviously wants – his middle finger. At least the one that's not holding the leather dice cup.
"Yeah, yeah. Let's see how big your mouth is when you lose the next round! You'll see, Kakuzu, I'll show you!"
There it is again: Kakuzu, his annoying asshole comments, and that name. Kid. Fucking shit, just because the old bag is about two or three quarters of a century older than him, he keeps harping on about it. As if he weren't in his twenties but barely eleven years old. It's disrespectful, he thinks. It sucks, so Kakuzu sucks too. There. Simple.
But all he gets in response is a chuckle, or rather, what you might call a chuckle from a monster like Kakuzu. The guy is not only big, but also so muscular that he could easily break Hidan's jaw with a well-aimed uppercut - even without his crazy earth jutsu stuff. "Ah, yes. If you know how the round will end anyway, why don't you play for stakes? Are you a coward, Hidan?"
Oh, he knows exactly where this is going. Kakuzu will get him – and everyone else around him – to play for money, and then take every last fucking ryo out of his pocket, only to count it calmly afterwards with an expression of satisfaction that Hidan has never seen on his partner's face in any other situation, not even when he's taking a shower. Hidan has no idea how he does it, but he always seems to have luck when it counts. As a rule, however, he refrains from things that cost money and therefore doesn't gamble.
He opts for the diplomatic solution – he shakes the dice cup covered with one hand, slams it down on the table next to his sake cup, and simply shows Kakuzu both middle fingers as soon as his hands are free again. "Zombie, you can kiss my balls for all I care, you're not getting my money."
"Not interested."
"In money? Old man, you disappoint me."
"Your balls. Are you so infantile that you still need to be taught the basics of sentence structure?"
"Infan–" Hidan feels himself blushing because the insult falls in such a context once again. "Fuck you!"
"Yeah, yeah. Very mature," says Kakuzu, his expression unchanged. His eyes drop to the table.
Hidan is familiar with this behavior.
Sometimes he just has this "I'm a wanted S-rank nuke-nin and I'm cooler than an iceberg" mode, which makes him look even more emotionless than usual. The zombie probably just doesn't feel anything in general, Hidan muses to himself while the others make their throws.
Kakuzu probably taught himself to look unmoved so he could appear more convincing as a cold-blooded killer, or something like that. But he knows that the older man doesn't really need to do that. He's big and ugly enough to take care of himself, and what he also knows is that Kakuzu tries to solve his problems by beating them to death. He knows that this approach doesn't get him very far with Hidan – no, they both know it – and that's exactly why he can't help but push the boundaries.
"Well, I'd bet money that your colleague will lose," one of the Kusa-Nin says to Kakuzu.
Now it's him who gets Hidan’s middle finger.
"Huh, what? Fuck you both. I'm telling you, Kakuzu, here's a bet you can't beat."
"Money. Money's good," Kakuzu says to the strange ninja, ignoring Hidan completely. "How much?"
Oh, how he would love to just kill him right now. His blood would probably taste good. Does the zombie even have blood? Yeah, he's pretty sure he does. If he gets hit by a shuriken, he bleeds like everyone else.
The two Kusa ninja each push a few bills into the middle of the table.
Hidan sees Kakuzu's eyes take on that strange, greedy gleam they always do when it comes to money, but his hand remains completely still – for now. He sizes up the stakes before very, very hesitantly pulling a bill out of his coat and carefully placing it in the middle of the table. His eyes are focused solely on the green paper on the table and no one else, but when he withdraws his hand, his gaze sticks to Hidan with surprising speed.
"What?! Don't stare so stupidly," he says and grins at him. That's always the best tactic – to act so disgustingly satisfied that it inevitably annoys Kakuzu. "I know how much it pisses you off that suddenly it's about your sacred money, you old miser. Hehe, don't think you can fool me."
"Your bet."
Oh, no. Hidan defiantly crosses his arms in front of his chest and rocks back and forth on his chair. "I don't have any."
"What, you don't have any?" The second Kusa-Nin leans forward and eyes him skeptically.
"That was a bluff, man! As if I could seriously keep even a shred of cash on me when that money-hungry mummy is with me!"
"He could offer to wash dishes," the first one interjects, grinning at Hidan.
"Kiss my ass, fuckface!"
"Ignore him, he's drunk," Kakuzu says quickly, before the guy attacks Hidan for the insult and seals the fate of this restaurant as a mass grave.
"I'm not washing anyone's dirty dishes!" Hidan crows. The chair is now tilting dangerously far. "Forget it!"
Their two teammates look at Kakuzu, who shrugs his shoulders.
"The lowest you can have under there is a four," Kusa-Nin Number One states. "You could convert the number into favors you owe someone. So, if you lose, that's what we're betting on here."
"Sounds fair. Mercenaries are good," agrees the second.
"Will it be paid for?" Kakuzu interjects.
"No," says Kusa-Nin Number Two. "If it's supposed to be a favor, it's free, you big dummy."
Internally, Hidan is already preparing himself for Kakuzu's outburst of rage because someone gave him a fucking nickname, but strangely enough, it doesn't happen. So he just stares at his teammate for a moment while he thinks.
Oh, right. The jerk is probably just worried about getting blood on his fancy bills. Damn, this money fetish really gets on his nerves. "Hey, I'm not some willing, cheap slave! My services are worth more than that!" He points to the admittedly small pile of bills.
"That's not the point. You want to play, but you haven't contributed any cash? No way. So put it away or join in." Kusa-Nin Number One points to his upside-down dice cup.
Hidan is so angry that he almost chokes on his sake. "Aaaaah, come on now."
"He's right," says Kakuzu, the lousy comrade pig. "Join in or get out. That's the least you can do." He narrows his eyes almost imperceptibly and tilts his head slightly as he looks at Hidan – the way he always looks at him, only this time there's a sparkle in his eyes because he has his sights set on some really big prey. He only looks like that when he's on the trail of a bounty worth over 20 million ryo. "So you are a coward after all, and I was right from the start."
The silver-haired man gives him a death stare in return. "I'll get you back for that. There are three dice with a 1 under my cup, you know? Then that," he points to the table, "is all mine! How would you like that?" Hidan's grin becomes smug, as it always does when he tries to really tease Kakuzu . "You know I'd waste it... How does that make you feel, zombie-baby?"
He takes pleasure in seeing Kakuzu's hand twitch.
In a strange way, it gives Hidan a kick to make him angry. He doesn't quite understand why, but even when Kakuzu beats him up, it still feels better than being ignored. In a way, it's a game, a power game that only the two of them can play because neither of them is easy to kill, and he enjoys pulling the strings. Sure, often enough it's the other way around, but Kakuzu is so ridiculously strong compared to him that he's never been able to finish the job.
In a different context, he might have admired him. But here he is his annoying, money-hungry, treacherous teammate, whose eyes clearly threaten that he will pay for this insolence later. Eventually. If he's not completely wasted by then.
Reason enough for Hidan to also devote himself busily to his sake.
"Yeah, and if you don't have those three dice with a 1, you owe the person with the highest roll a few favors, depending on how many eyes you rolled," says Kusa-Nin Number One before Kakuzu can reply.
Hidan is honestly glad about that. Even if he doesn't like it.
"Fine," he says grumpily, grimacing. "But I hate you all. Really."
"Good for you," says Kusa-Nin Number Two. "If you're so sure of yourself, you can be the first to open it."
"No way, dude. I'll finish you all off, I'll be the last to open!" Nothing and no one will stop him from getting his way now. His contribution, he thinks, is the greatest of all, so that should guarantee him a few special privileges!
"Let's hope for your sake that you don't regret it, Hidan." Kakuzu doesn't say it, he growls it. His green eyes are fixed on him, and although he can't see anything in their depths, he's pretty sure that his teammate is already imagining how he'll best torture him later.
Instead of fear, however, Hidan feels only a pleasant tingle, which he probably gets every time Kakuzu looks at him like this and his murderous intent hangs over the room like a huge, dark cloud. Oh yes, that's exactly the aura he loves most about his partner – when he's really pissed off at Hidan. Then his attention is focused solely on him and no one else can or will compete for it.
So, of course, he continues. "Not me, anyway. You've got a six under there, but nothing else useful. Why else would you look so uptight, huh? Shit if you were getting your hopes up to crack the jackpot here."
"The only thing that's going to crack here are your bones, boy," Kakuzu hisses, and Hidan feels as if his body is electrified. It's more of a whisper, absolutely not meant for others to hear, but since everyone else can hear it, it only makes him angrier. Kakuzu hates it when things don't go the way he wants them to. "Now open up."
"Fuck you, I said I'll go last–"
"You may be last, but you have no privileges here. Make your move or we'll consider it surrender."
"I NEVER SURRENDER!" Hidan hisses. It feels like an eruption, this hot, burning anger that suddenly overwhelms him and simply shuts down his mind. Angrily, he pulls the cup back, revealing his dice.
3. Ha. That's a good start.
Another 3. If he gets one more, he'll at least have a good chance.
And... oh shit, what's that?
Of course Hidan knows what it is, but he doesn't quite understand it yet. As stupid as he sometimes acts, he's definitely not too dumb to take in information.
What he sees is a damn 6. Not a triple 3. 12 in total, in numbers.
Damn! Not even a 1 that would have allowed him to re-roll one of his dice, no.
Although he tries not to show his disappointment, he definitely is. The goddess of luck just hates him. Oh, how she hates him.
Kusa-Nin One lifts his dice cup and Hidan promptly hates the world a little more than usual.
6. 5. 2.
A combination that is just as useless as his, but still worth one more point.
One point. A single point. Hidan just can't believe it.
The second Kusa-Nin does the same and stamps his feet in silent jubilation. He has two 6 and a 5, which is pretty much the best you can get in this game in terms of pure dice points.
The look he gives Hidan is triumphant. He already sees himself as the winner of this round, and the prospect of twelve possible favors seems to blind him, because theoretically, one person can still beat him.
Hidan discreetly raises his middle finger again, but only so that the Kusa-Nin can see it.
Kakuzu, on the other hand, doesn't bat an eyelid, as far as he can tell. How could he, with that mask? However, he is well aware of the fact that Hidan is staring at his upturned cup with a mixture of curiosity and uncertainty, so he makes a real show of lifting it.
Hidan would have loved to punch him just for that.
But what he sees makes him want to do so even more.
A 3, a 4, and a 5. A straight. Which is definitely worth more than any combination already on the table.
The bastard has miserable luck and just rolls a fucking straight!
He can't believe it. Being as lucky as Kakuzu is right now should be punishable by law!
"That would be the entire stake plus twelve favors for the big guy," growls the second Kusa-Nin as it dawns on him that his oh-so-certain victory has just slipped through his fingers. "See, you shouldn't have said it, your colleague was right. You're drunk."
Actually, Hidan is only half as drunk as he would like to be, or would need to be, to cope with this humiliation. Thank Jashin that you can always get a quick refill of sake here. He can't answer, he feels more like he's been punched in the stomach. Damn it, I owe Kakuzu a fucking favor. And not just one. I can't eat as much as I want to puke right now.
His teammate's gaze is inscrutable as he picks up the money from the middle of the table. Yeah, that's just like him, the greedy asshole, pocketing the winnings right away. "Gambling debts are debts of honor, Hidan. Remember that before you gamble on anything next time."
"What, zombie, do you have to rub salt in the wound now?"
Kakuzu doesn't reply at first and starts counting the money. When he's done, he does it again to be really thorough before pocketing it.
Only then does he look back at Hidan. "I thought you liked it raw," he counters, making Hidan feel like even his ears are turning red.
"You don't have a fucking clue what I like!" he hisses back. He can't just let the old fart get away with that!
Kakuzu merely comments on his answer with an amused snort. He's obviously smirking, but no one can see it.
Only Hidan knows. Because he knows his stupid appendage by now, even when he only responds with growls or similar noises. The old man really isn't talkative, and sometimes it's essential to interpret his facial expressions correctly if you want to spare yourself cruel pain.
Right now, however, as he turns his eyes down to his sake cup, his expression is at least as inscrutable as the look he just gave his partner. That's usually not a good sign.
Somehow, Hidan suddenly senses trouble. The zombie grandpa could demand anything from him, no matter how humiliating it may be.
And knowing Kakuzu, he's probably thinking of a dozen different ways to repay Hidan for all the nastiness he's ever thrown at him.
For sure.