Work Text:
"You should marry me."
The waves drag against the sand. A dog barks in the distance. Euijoo stops breathing.
For a second he thinks he misheard, that he had spent too much time in the water and the sea clogged his ears full, his nervous system now flooded and unable to process Nicholas' words correctly. A laugh bubbles out of him, watery and disbelieving. It must be a joke, a slip of tongue. One of Nicholas' many attempts to claw a reaction out of him; he never fails. Except—the breezy air holds no trace of Nicholas' laughter.
Euijoo's eyes flit back to him, to Nicholas sitting on his spread out towel with that horrible posture of his, legs propped up, toes flexing in the sand. A beaded blue necklace sits around his neck, the same one Nicholas had worn three years ago, back when it felt like the earth carried only them on its back. Nicholas' bare chest moves up, then down—slowly and controlled and heavy with everything left unsaid between them.
A droplet of water runs down the side of Nicholas' neck and his brows crease together as he stares into the depths of the water. He's not looking at Euijoo, not at the horrible sound he produced, not at the silence he follows up with. He's not looking at him, but his body is curved ever so slightly toward him, as if they were magnets and Euijoo were the other pole.
Nicholas' silence doesn't slip by Euijoo unnoticed. This is the most serious Nicholas has been during their entire trip. He's been laughing so much the past few days, the loud and unapologetic ones that Euijoo wishes he could lock deep inside his chest. He's been talking like a waterfall, words spilling out without stopping, each syllable seeping into Euijoo's skin in a way that only Nicholas' ever do. He's been touching Euijoo, not more and not less than he usually does, but it felt different in a way that Euijoo found himself welcoming it, reciprocating, without feeling like he has to hold back. Nicholas is always warm. But especially with Euijoo, and especially here, where the sun seems to shine a little brighter.
Just moments ago Nicholas tried to teach him how to swim, and now he's drowning them both in silence. Something deep inside Euijoo itches. Every time he thinks he's completely acclimatized to every single bit of Nicholas, and to whatever it is that they are, he goes and throws him back into the cold water.
"M-Marry you?" he croaks, the words half water and half air.
"Yeah. Marry," Nicholas shrugs, face still unmoving, like it's the most natural thing in the world. The only possible outcome of this trip, and for them.
Marriage is nothing but a concept to Euijoo. Something only another version of him could have. A separate universe holds a married Euijoo right now, maybe, in a home for himself, kids, a partner, something stable. A quiet life. Nothing this Euijoo could have. Not Idol Euijoo. Not him. That doesn't mean that he hasn't thought about it, that he doesn't want it. He just knows it's not realistic, not in the near future, at least. But of course, in every universe he's imagined, Nicholas is always there.
Because Nicholas just always is there. Next to him, in his dreams, in his bloodstream—like he was supposed to be there, handcrafted to exist in Euijoo's orbit. There's no one that knows Euijoo inside out quite like Nicholas does, no one else that knows what he needs just by looking at him, and certainly not a soul that Euijoo would let in like he has.
It's Nicholas, of course it's Nicholas. Euijoo wants him in every way he can.
He just didn't know how much he was allowed to have. Greed isn't something he wants to make a home for. What he had is enough because it had to be. They never put a name on whatever it is they have, never talked about it. Nicholas never pushes, Euijoo somehow doesn't push him away far enough for him to want to flee. He always tries to accept Nicholas' presence and love the way he receives it, even if it sometimes threatens to consume him whole.
And yet, lately it feels like Nicholas is trying to crack him open. Or, it's Euijoo's own hands doing the digging for him.
Nicholas asked him to go on this very trip with him, Euijoo had let him down, gently insisted that he didn't have any time, that he had to go back to Korea. Nicholas had nodded, he understood. A day later the nagging feeling of regret clawed at Euijoo's spine. He wanted to go. Nicholas knew he did. It all circled back to Euijoo's New Year's resolution: Letting himself want things, doing the things he wants to. So he went.
The truth is, as insignificant as it sounds, Euijoo is tired. Tired of compartmentalizing, of pretending, of letting his emotions weigh heavier than his body. Why can't it be simple? Why can't he just want things without feeling selfish? Why can't he wake up next to Nicholas and watch the morning light illuminate his face? Every day—not just here, where it's safe and quiet.
Why can't Euijoo be reckless and stupid and marry Nicholas? God knows he wants to.
Nicholas' body drops forward, he digs up a handful of sand, lets it sift down his palm. He hums like Euijoo's silence held an answer that no one but the ocean waves and him heard. "It's okay," he mutters. "You don't have to say anything."
Another wave hits the shore. Euijoo suddenly wants to be in the water again. The risk of it engulfing him, and in the midst of it: the security Nicholas always provides. Nicholas shifts again, and something lodges in Euijoo's throat.
Maybe it can be easy. Maybe loving Nicholas and swimming go hand in hand. Both can be something that comes easy in the long run. Euijoo wants to learn. He wants to let go.
"Nichol," he chokes, salt water bubbling from his throat. "Nichol, wait."
Euijoo could let this bleed in with all the other things never voiced between them. He could let Nicholas' words strand on the shore, embedding into the sand, and his answer could flow right back into the ocean. This could stay here, and Nicholas would let him do it. But—Euijoo is tired of not trying.
His hand flies out and anchors itself right onto Nicholas' arm, grabbing tightly so he'd finally look at him. He does. Euijoo swallows down the salt, and lets his question whisper in the wind, "Are you serious?"
Another wave crashes. Another dog barks. Nicholas blinks. "Of course I'm serious. I've never been more serious about anything in my life."
Somehow, this is something Euijoo knows deep in his heart. Euijoo can see it right in his eyes when they're locked on his, every truth laid out in them for Euijoo to see. It might seem as if Nicholas wears his heart on his sleeve, but he doesn't. He's not as carefree as he makes himself seem. Euijoo is just almost as good as reading him as Nicholas is him. One thing Euijoo would never do is doubt him.
Nicholas' voice had been steady, stripped free of uncertainty, but his eyes conceived everything even he couldn't voice out loud. He's scared. But he wants this silly thing for them; wants it just as much as Euijoo.
The next wave crashes, and with it comes the realization: Nicholas might be waiting for him in every lifetime, but it's Euijoo who has to choose him, and be the one to say it.
Euijoo's hand curls tighter around Nicholas' forearm, bracing likes he's about to meet the next wave head-on.
"Okay," he hears himself say.
The ocean keeps moving, indifferent, undisturbed, as if nothing has shifted at all. Euijoo has his own ocean moving inside him now.
"Okay?" Nicholas' eyes are wide, his mouth parted as he tries to follow.
Euijoo's breath catches in his throat, nodding. And then he's surging forward, carried by something deep and unstoppable inside him, landing ungracefully against Nicholas' side, somewhere between his towel and the sand. Nicholas' hands are already there, scrambling to steady him at the hips. Euijoo grabs him by the nape, pulling their foreheads flush together and closes his eyes.
He breathes Nicholas in, the faint smell of sunscreen and the warmth of his skin washing over him so intensely it makes everything he's been holding back spill out of him in one chaotic stream. "I'll marry you." he breathes across Nicholas' skin. "Right here. Right now. I'll do it. Let's go."
Nicholas' breath fans onto his lips, warm and disbelieving, and Euijoo's heart threatens to leap straight out of his chest. It's just this for a second, just them breathing in this foolish mess that is only theirs.
And then Nicholas laughs, loud and bubbly. His hold around Euijoo's waist tightens. "Let's go?" Nicholas squeaks, shaking his head against him. "You're ridiculous."
Euijoo starts laughing too, squeezing one of his eyes open as his teeth sink into his bottom lip.
"You're the ridiculous one," he shoots back. "You just proposed to me out of the blue without a ring!"
Nicholas pulls back slightly, one eyebrow crooked upwards. "Oh Byun Euijoo, you are so getting that ring."
Everything about this is so absurd, and yet it's perfectly on point for them. Euijoo feels suffocated by it, by the warmth radiating from all sides—the sun, the beach, the sand digging into his palm—but especially from Nicholas. Euijoo's hand slides down the back of Nicholas' neck to his cheek, trembling. Nicholas' skin is flushed and warm beneath his palm, his hair still a bit damp from the water. Another drop of water trails down from his hairline; his lashes are wet, and Euijoo is close enough he can almost taste the salt on him. He can't take it anymore. He closes the last gap between them by pressing their mouths together.
Nicholas gasps, one second of stillness, before he melts into it, the rough press mellowing out into slow movement of their lips. He tastes overwhelmingly of salt; if Euijoo focuses enough there might even be some sand caught between their lips, but Euijoo can't focus on anything other than Nicholas. Who lets him coax his mouth open, lips parting enough to glide against his, swallowing up everything Euijoo finally allows himself to give. Nicholas' hands slide up his shirt, engulf his waist, and Euijoo can feel his own hands begin to shake.
Kissing Nicholas has never felt quite like this before. They've shared enough for Euijoo to memorize every single one—every soft press, every chaste peck, every desperate clash. This is different. Not because it's more meaningful, but because this one feels easy. Inevitable. Like a final choice to dive into the water together.
Euijoo's mouth parts in a gasp when Nicholas' hands tighten on his waist and drag him down to rest more comfortably on top of him, and then Nicholas is licking inside his mouth, warm and insistent, and Euijoo lets himself get swept away with it. Nicholas' lips move like unruly tides, the body beneath him is the ocean, and the firm hold on his waist the anchor. Euijoo is safe here. This is everything he could ever want.
When the kiss slows Euijoo feels like he'd drown if he doesn't come up for air soon. He pulls away with a final peck to the corner of his mouth, and Nicholas chases after him, making a delirious giggle bubble up Euijoo's throat. Nicholas juts out his lips in a cute pout, grabs at him to get him to move back down and kiss him again probably, and Euijoo can't quite wrap his head around it. He just agreed to marry this man.
A laugh pulls through his body, sudden and breathless, making his head drop onto Nicholas' bare chest like the moment has made it grow too heavy to hold up on its own. It has, in a way. This is important. It should be bigger than a reckless agreement in the sand. This could blow up in their faces so badly. Probably will, actually.
Euijoo doesn't even know where to begin explaining this to the others. How would they even make a wedding work? Would Nicholas want one? Would he be okay with just slipping on another set of matching rings, wearing them alongside the ones they already share? Would Nicholas be content with getting to have Euijoo without ever being able to show him off to the world? Would Euijoo? Isn't this just a huge, giant—
"Is this stupid?"
Nicholas' voice cuts clean through Euijoo's spiraling thoughts. He's always been way too good at reading him.
Nicholas' fingers tangle in Euijoo's hair, smoothing out the wet mess of them, and Euijoo's bones turn to goo. Propping his chin up on Nicholas' chest, he strains his neck to look up at him. His bleached fried hair sticks up in a drenched chaos, his skin is flushed but glowing, his eyes are so warm, his lips red and wet. He's so beautiful. Not for the first and certainly not for the last time Euijoo finds himself absolutely spellbound by the sight of him. He's never wanted anything the way he wants Nicholas.
"Probably," he says at last, because it's the only answer he trusts himself with.
Nicholas lifts him up again, cradling his face in his hands as if Euijoo were something precious. "Doesn't mean we shouldn't do it," he states. "If you really want to marry me."
"Of course I—," Euijoo starts, before stopping himself. His lips tug up in a stupid, dopey smile as he bubbles out a teasing, "I do."
Nicholas barks out a laugh, throwing his head back. "I'm not even down on one knee."
"You better get me a nice ring then, at least."
"Oh, I will."
It's a promise. One as simple as breathing. One that Euijoo knows Nicholas will hold.
This isn't perfect. Nothing ever is. This might be reckless and stupid—everything Euijoo always tries so carefully to work against. But it's with Nicholas. Euijoo has been trying to swim against a current his whole life, and now he's finally willing to learn how to let go. Nicholas will be there to teach him. He'll catch him every time.
A wave hits the shore. Euijoo's heart beats loudly in his chest. Nicholas doesn't let him go. He leans down, forehead brushing Euijoo's. The tide rolls behind them, steady and endless, and for the first time, Euijoo doesn't fight it.