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Most trans people usually say they've ‘always known they were different’. And maybe, that is the case for most. But for Taehyun, the weird feeling only came later on in life, sometime after they entered middle school.
The weird feeling in question being the lump in their throat whenever someone called them a ‘sweet girl’ or ‘beautiful young lady’, the crawl in their skin whenever they get a glimpse of their body, slowly growing more curvy by the year, in the mirror, the hate they have for wearing skirts and dresses, hate wearing the too tight clothes that show off the way their hips are all too wide, their waist too small.
It affected them so much that they started isolating themself, stopped hanging out with people, only left the house to go to school and only left their room to get food. The only person they'd interact with was Hueningkai, and it was never initiated by them. In fact, when Kai would sit across from them at their lunch table, they'd attempt to push her away, keeping their head low and headphones on. The girl never gave up, coming back to sit with them every day. She even started waiting at their locker in the morning, walking them to their first class of the day, and even walking them back home after school.
In their second year of high school, they had finally gathered the courage to look up what was wrong with them. Yet, none of the results felt quite right.
People on the internet make hundreds of posts describing exactly what Taehyun had been going through, the horrible, out of body feeling that's been a constant in their life for years. Apparently, it's a real thing, with a real name. “Gender Dysphoria” Taehyun had read. Huh. Who knew.
Everyone who had used that term had then gone on to talk about how they transitioned to the opposite gender. Boys who were born in girl bodies, and vice versa. But, Taehyun's not a boy? They'd been beyond sure about that, grimacing at the thought of being referred to as a dude.
Searching it up was clearly not the right thing to do. Taehyun had grown even more anxious about not knowing what was wrong, why they were feeling like that. Why weren't there any answers? They clearly weren't the only one feeling this way, but, there wasn't a solution. Taehyun isn't a boy. They aren't a girl, either.
They'd hastily closed their laptop that night, wiping away tears with shaky hands. Wrapping themself tight in the sheets and forcing their eyes closed.
After that night, they'd never touched the topic again. Letting that awful feeling grow and take over their whole body, wrapping its way around their throat and choking them, fully marinating them in shame and disgust. Every day, it'd stretch them out thinner, making it more and more unbearable to keep in.
The dam finally broke on an awfully cold night during senior year. Hueningkai had invited them to her house, they'd only agreed because she'd been practically begging them for weeks ‘you haven't been in ages! even my plushies miss you’. And Taehyun's day has been rough, they didn't have enough energy to fight her.
It only took one more push to tip them over the edge.
“-and like, you know, us girls, we wouldn't hav-”
“Stop saying that! Fuck- I'm not a girl! You keep-” Their sentence is cut short when a sob makes its way out of their throat.
“Wha- Hey, hey, why are you crying? I'm sorry, I swear- I didn't mean to.. Offend you?” Kai says, her voice is all high pitched and panicked. She'd moved closer but she was still hovering, unsure what exactly she was allowed to do.
“Not a girl,” they shake their head. “I hate this, hate my body, skin's all weird- It's all off. I want it to be over.” They babble through tears.
Taehyun was gasping for air at this point, sobs spilling out of them uncontrollably. Kai looks at them for a fleeting second before deciding she can't just stare and do nothing, she moves to wrap her arms around them, tucking their head into her chest and rubbing their back, letting them cry it all out.
And boy, do they cry. Taehyun clings on her shirt, burying their face into her face to muffle their gasps, they can't even bother to care about ruining her shirt, they can't do anything other than cry. It's so tiring, so exhausting to live in such misery for years, not knowing how to fix whatever is going on with them. It aches, not being able to know what's wrong. They cry for what seems like hours until all their tears run out and a wave of fatigue washes over them, lulling them into a deep sleep before their cheeks are able to fully dry out.
The next time their eyes open, they're wrapped up in warmth. The sun is just starting to rise, soft, yellow light seeping through the curtains in- Kai's room? Their memory slowly starts to come back to them, and god, did they really have to embarrass themself by crying like a fucking child?
Taehyun tries, they really try to pry Hueningkai's arms off them without waking her up, and any time they get remotely close to moving an arm, she starts, groaning and tightening her hold on them. After a few attempts, they give up, relaxing into her hold. And maybe it is a little nice to have someone holding them so close. To have Kai holding them that close.
It takes a painstakingly long time for Kai to wake up, and it feels even longer when Taehyun spends it all anxiously going over how they're going to explain what the fuck happened last night. How does one begin to explain what Taehyun's feeling? Would Kai know what gender dysphoria is? Does Taehyun have to explain it to her? Oh, that would be horrible. She'd think they're insane, wouldn't she. She definitely would. Taehyun can't tell her that, they can't tell her anything.
When Kai eventually does wake up, she peers down at them and smiles. And a part of them thinks maybe they can tell her, maybe she will understand.
She doesn't say anything other than a whispered ‘good morning’ before kissing their forehead and getting out of bed. Taehyun lays stunned for a moment, then gets up to follow Kai to the kitchen. She makes them breakfast, a simple greek yogurt bowl with a few too many toppings, and they eat in a comfortable silence. Well, supposedly comfortable. But, Taehyun can't relax. They're on edge, just waiting for the shoe to drop, for Hueningkai to finally call out their bullshit and tell them to never speak to her again.
That never happens. They finish their food and Kai takes both their bowls to the sink, washing and drying both of them before she drags Taehyun back to her room and sits them down on her bed. She takes a seat in front of them, cross-legged, and stares at them for a while, taking them in.
“Okay, so, I talked to a friend of mine over the phone yesterday, when you fell asleep, and she gave me a few things we could research together, if you'd like?” She speaks, ever so gently. Taehyun almost breaks down all over again. They nod silently instead.
Hueningkai gives them a smile and pulls out her laptop, scooting to sit with her back against the wall and tapping the space beside her, gesturing for Taehyun to follow. They do, warily, landing right next to her, arms flush. Opening her laptop, she lists off all the tips her friend had told her, mostly about just messing around with pronouns and gender expression because ‘you won't really know til you try’.
“I can help with that, I think! Testing out different pronouns on you?” Kai says.
Taehyun thinks the last sentence wasn't supposed to come out as much of a question as it did. They don't comment on it though, only shrugging as some sort of reply.
“They also gave me like, a shit ton of labels we could look up to see if you feel connected with any of them. We can start there?” She suggests.
They? Did Kai talk to multiple people? But, she'd only mentioned one friend, Taehyun's sure. How come Kai said they? They don't get to ask before Kai is pulling up a new tab on Google, typing in something about gender labels that Taehyun can't fully comprehend right now. The whole thing is so odd, Kai helping them figure out what- who they are. It's a little hard to process, making their brain feel all fuzzy and their thoughts coming in much slower than usual.
Kai starts reading through websites out loud, feeding them information they've never heard before. ‘Gender identity can be fluid, changing depending on the week, day, or even hour.’ one article says. ‘A person's gender identity can correspond to a person's assigned sex or can differ from it.’ another one states. And Taehyun knows this, they read about it that god awful night. They can't get their mouth to open, unable to form any words to communicate that, so they just listen.
“Oh, Look! Junnie’s told me about this one. It says ‘In most societies, there is a basic division between gender attributes associated with males and females, a gender binary to which most people adhere to. Some people do not identify with some, or all, of the aspects of gender associated with their biological sex; some of those people are non-binary.’” She reads out softly. “It's an… Umbrella term? I think they called it. Basically like- There’s a bunch of labels that fall under that! It's kinda just, any gender identity that isn't just a man or a woman.”
And oh.
That's a lot.
Taehyun didn't know that was an option. They can just be.. themself?
“What.. falls under that?” They ask, voice barely above a whisper.
“Uhm, there are a few listed here. So, first one is Agender. It says, ‘Agender individuals, also known as genderless, gender-free, non-gendered, or ungendered, have no gender at all.’. How does that sound?” Kai glances at them, gaze softly questioning.
Taehyun only shrugs, not completely sure themself. Maybe?
“Okay,” Kai doesn't ask any further, “there’s also Bigender. Oh! Like, bisexuals I guess. ‘Bigender individuals possess two distinct gender identities that can manifest simultaneously or fluctuate between masculine and feminine expressions.’. Yeah see, both?” She asks, awkwardly.
Taehyun shakes their head, they know they're definitely not both binary genders at once. They don't take their eyes off the screen, not once.
“Genderfluid! Jjunie hyung’s genderfluid, it's really freakin’ cool. ‘Genderfluid individuals do not adhere to a fixed gender identity; their genders change depending on time, place and situation.’”
“How do you know what to call h- Jun?” Taehyun asks, cautiously.
“Well, in hyung’s case, they'd asked to just ‘mix it up, call me whatever feels right in the moment.’ So, you can't really go wrong with it. I've seen some people use color-coded bracelets to express which gender they're feeling that day. It's kinda cool.” Kai gushes.
“Oh.. Yeah, it is cool.” Taehyun comments, dazed. “But, no? I don't think.”
“Okay, not that either. What about Demigender? ‘Individuals identifying as demigender feel a partial connection to one gender while also identifying with another gender or none at all’.”
Something clicks in Taehyun's brain. It all makes sense, not feeling like girl, not completely a boy either. That's it.
But, it's so embarrassing to admit it out loud. It just sounds all childish and picky. No one would take them seriously, no one would care enough to fix their whole way of speech for their comfort. And even then, they know everyone will only ever see them as a girl, even if they use the correct pronouns just to be polite. They can't be that greedy, inconveniencing everyone around them.
“Tyunie? You with me?” Kai snaps them out of their thoughts with a hand on their knee.
They look at her, nodding. Taehyun is anything but here with her, in this moment. They're floating around somewhere far, far away. Their thoughts taking them even farther as they get louder and louder, almost silencing Kai's voice entirely.
Hands on their cheeks bring them back down for a moment. “Taehyun, talk to me, please. You're scaring me.” Kai begs, her eyes darting between theirs.
“I..” They trail off, not sure how to put the hundreds of jumbled up thoughts in their head into coherent sentences. And there's still the whole embarrassment of it all, the weight of the realisation itself is too big. Everything is too much.
So they say that, mumbling a weak statement they hope is enough to get through to Kai. They can make out her figure moving to shut the laptop and set it aside, tugging the sheets up higher to cover them fully. She brings them to her chest again, holding them there and letting them process everything, not saying a single word.
The two lay there for hours in complete silence, the only sound in the room is Taehyun's clothes rustling against Kai’s hand rubbing their back.
Taehyun only comes back to their senses way past noon, the sun is hot in the sky and the roads are bustling with energy. They slowly crank their head up to stare at Kai, who meets their eyes with the softest smile on her lips.
“Hey. You back?” She asks simply.
“Mhm, ‘m tired, though.” They say, or rather, murmur.
“I'll go get you some water and something to snack on and we could put on a movie?” She asks, already pulling away to get up.
Taehyun shrugs, not really in the mood to think any more.
⟢
Later that night, Taehyun admits in a low mutter that maybe they are demigender, they also ask her to ‘maybe try they/them on me, too.. like you do with Jun?’. Because they can always tell Kai. They can tell the Kai that had held them through sobs last night with no questions, then let them sleep on her bed for the night. The Kai that rushed to call a friend for advice to help them without any second thoughts. The Kai that had just helped them work through a crisis just this morning.
It's Kai, the only person they could ever truly tell anything. Even if Taehyun wasn't planning on openly living as a non-binary person, even if they weren't going to tell anyone else, Kai had to know.
Obviously, Kai had been ecstatic about the information. Promising to never mess up their pronouns ever in her life, and making sure they'll tell her if there are any changes in what they feel comfortable with. Taehyun's heart flutters uncontrollably.
⟢
Taehyun thought they were used to being addressed as a girl, they really thought they were over it. But it never gets any less dehumanising, never hurts any less. They'd assumed now that Kai knows and uses their pronouns that it would be.. enough? Enough to cancel out all the misgendering, maybe.
But it wasn't enough, it would never be enough. Because anywhere else they go, people assume they're a girl, calling them ‘ma’am’ and ‘ms’. No matter how much they try to act like they don't care, the sting in their heart never goes away.
Today was one of those extra hard days, where their body feels wrong everywhere and their mind doesn't stop throwing horrible thoughts at them. Taehyun was really trying to just make it through the day, just until school ends. And they were doing well, so well, holding themself together.
Until they're on their home, walking with quick steps and their gaze lowered, needing to just get home. Taehyun passed by a group of men, probably all in their early twenties, leaning against a garage and smoking something that's probably illegal. They try to ignore them, moving quicker and lowering their head, trying to avoid any trouble.
Trying and failing. As they walk past the group, they hear wolf whistles and various different cat-calls. Their stomach crunches and they feel bile rising in their throat, their legs trying to walk faster. It didn't bother them as much as it was annoying, these grown men acting like hormonal teenagers at the sight of a person in a skirt. A skirt with sweatpants underneath, at that. What ticked Taehyun off was one of their last comments, the ‘you're such a pretty girl, why ruin it with a scowl?’.
They immediately change their direction, a different destination in mind now. Taehyun needs Kai, who wasn’t at school today, right now. They need someone who doesn't see them as a girl, or at least pretends to. It doesn't matter at this point, they only need the comfort, even if they'll convince themself that it's all just an illusion later.
Eight minutes of speed-walking later, Taehyun's in front of Kai's front door. They take a second to catch their breath, panting softly, then knock. It only takes a moment for them to hear quick, heavy footsteps coming closer to the door. When the door swings open, Taehyun's greeted with the sight of Kai’s dad. Shit.
“Ah, hi. Kai wasn't at school today so I came to check if everything was alright?” They ask gingerly.
“Hey, kid. Yeah, she's fine,” Kai's dad assures, “we stayed at my sister's house until late yesterday, so she refused to get up today.”
Oh. Yeah that sounds about right. Kai's never been an early riser.
“Come in,” The man continues, moving out of their way, “she's up in her room.”
Taehyun nods currently, taking off their shoes and muttering their thanks before heading upstairs to Kai's room. They knock once before barging in.
“Taehyun? What're yo-” Kai starts but is immediately cut off with Taehyun's body slamming down on hers.
“Bad day. Needed you.” They say, muffled into her shoulder.
She adjusts their bodies to lay more comfortably, bringing her hand up to their hair and playing with it. It's nice. She's nice. And oh.
Taehyun loves her.
They've always known, in the back of their mind, that they'd eventually get here. They'd fall in love with Hueningkai. Because, realistically, who wouldn't? Taehyun can't dwell on it too much right now, there's already too much on their plate. They tuck that thought in a little box, shoving it away to revisit another time.
Kai doesn't say anything for a while, only running her hand through their hair and humming a random melody that Taehyun doesn't recognise.
“Do you wanna change your clothes?” She asks, belatedly realising that Taehyun is still in their uniform. They nod.
She gets up wordlessly, walking to her drawer and pulling out a matching set of sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Laying it down on the bed, she sits on the chair at her desk, turning her back towards them. It's all done in silence, no words exchanged between them. Taehyun feels their heart clench. They ignore it in favour of lazily throw on the set, giving Kai the okay to turn around once they're done, already lying down on the bed again, she quickly joins them.
“I got cat-called on the way here,” Taehyun starts, “I was already having a bad day, and it felt like everyone at school seemed to agree to call me girl every two sentences, and that was just- It was the last push, I guess.” They sigh out.
Kai hums softly, hugging them tighter. “I'm so sorry, darling. I'm sorry I wasn't there, too.”
“Not your fault.” They mutter. “Never your fault. You're making it better.”
Kai hums again, pressing yet another kiss to their forehead. She'll always make them feel better, fix whatever others break.