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Published:
2026-02-20
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2026-03-25
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2/?
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Soldier, Pirate, King

Summary:

Tommy Innit is only weeks from becoming the king of the Antarctic Empire, along with his arranged marriage with Princess Niki of another kingdom.

Only problem is, he doesn’t want to be king. Or marry this random girl.

So what does he do? He runs away.

Niki’s pretty fond of her crew.

What she’s not fond of is being forced into marrying this random prince.

So she’s got a few ideas on how to evade the problem.

 

(Or, In which Tommy is in an arranged marriage with Niki, but they both say hell no and join Technoblade’s crew.)
(Or, or, Dream smp pirate au)

Notes:

hello guys yess this is reuploaded and revamped finally :)

also, i just watched both black phones and im so fucking fixated on it now I can’t stop thinking about it help me

honestly uhm most likely gonna make a fic about it (if I don’t procrastinate) so if u like black phone stay tuned

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: He Will Slay You With His Tongue (Oh-lei, Oh-lai, Oh-lord)

Notes:

title from soldier, poet, king !!

Chapter Text

One minute.

That's how long it took for Tommy to make his aunt angry. It wasn't his fault, though. He wasn't about to marry a bratty princess. Not that he knew what she was like, but most—if not all of the ones he met turned out to be like that.

Unfortunately for him, he wasn't let off with anything less than a slap to the face. Which hurt, thank you very much.

He buried his snippy comments in his throat, swallowing them away for next time. If he was even allowed to speak after this conversation, that is.

"You don't speak like that to me, do you understand?"

He really ignored the urge to roll his eyes forward, and sighed. "Yes ma'am."

She looked somewhat satisfied by the fact he didn't argue, and sat back down on her glimmering throne. No, not hers. It was his mothers. Not this swine sitting there like she owned the place.

"Now, Princess Niki is on her way as we speak. She'll be here by morning tomorrow."

Tommy didn't respond, because if he did—he would've said something he would come to regret. So he just nodded, picking the dirt of his fingers. He allowed his posture to relax, despite the looming figure above him about to tell him to fix his stance.

He wasn't sure why he was supposed to look like a statue, but he hated it. He hated her. King wasn't a title he enjoyed, nor wanted. If he's being honest, he'd rather be a peasant in the town.

Err, not peasant, because that was rude, wasn't it?

He shook his head, looking back up at his aunt. "May I go now?"

She huffed, waving him off while pinching the bridge of her nose. He smirked while glancing at his uncle, who seemed to be so lost in thought he looked dead.

Tommy wished he was. More so his aunt, really, but him too. He continued out of the throne room, peering down the hallway. It gleemed in the settting sun, and he groaned before slumping down the hall.

As he turned a corner, a few guards stood and bowed. "Good evening, your majesty."

Despite himself, Tommy put on his best smile and waved. When he passed the lot, his face fell into irritation. Why must everyone greet him like it's the happiest day of their life?

God, being royalty was so exhausting. He was sure king would be even worse. That's why he was so resistant in not becoming one. His father used to complain about all the paperwork, and he does not want to do paperwork.

Even as king, his aunt would surely still try to control him and what he does as the ruler. Maybe he'll execute her. No, he'll definitely execute her.

He snickered at the thought of her swelling head falling off of her stupid body. King wasn't looking so bad after all.

Tommy exhaled deeply as he reached his room, which was starting to get boring. You'd think living in a castle would be exciting, but no—it was just bossy aunts and hauntingly empty hallways except for the suck-up guards that looked as if they were about to collapse and kiss his boots. Which was gross, by the way.

He smiled at the servants on both sides of him—the ones responsible for getting him up in the morning and brining him breakfast.

Although, their job had been overtaken by his aunt—forcing him to eat with her loud-mouth every morning by violently waking him up with the loudest bell he'd ever heard.

He pushed open the doors more aggressively than he intended, which caused a loud slam into the walls.

He flinched. So did the servants. Whoops.

He scanned the area around him, searching for anyone that would ridicule him for the 'unfitting' gesture, as his aunt had called it one time. Fuck unfitting.

Tommy tumbled into the room, sinking into his bed. The dark red comforter felt cool on his skin, the soft blankets bitting into his arms as he stretched out.

His door was closed, and he was starting to be thankful for his helpful servants. He usually hated having them, because most of the time they weren't even being paid and that was just free labor—but right now he was so tired he couldn't bring himself to care that much. Which definitely made him feel guilty, but whatever.

The birds chirped outside, signaling to the world that it was about to be their bedtime. Lucky fuckers. They were free as one could be with their beautiful wings. They didn't have anyone controlling them—telling them they had to marry this girl because it 'had to be done.' Or maybe they did. He had no way of knowing.

The breeze whispered things to him, and for a while, he just listened. He listened as the wind carried laughter into his room, the air swirling all around him and making the hair on his arms stand up from the cold.

He felt bumps form on his arms, and he shivered violently. Tommy huffed, rolling off his bed and hitting the floor with a thud. The floor was kind nice. He was pretty content on staying there until another gust of wind blew into his face—which he did not like at all.

He rose from the wooden floor, putting his hands on the handle to his balcony door. Until he caught wind of the town, and furrowed his brow.

There was an abundance of ships on the dock, and lights coming from the center of the town. It looked absolutely breathtaking from here, and for a moment, he just stared in awe.

Then he tilted his head and felt the edge of his mouth quirk up slightly. There must be something happening in the town. Something he needs to see.

Tommy looked at his door, then back at the shimmering town. He exited his room, tracing the pillars of his balcony fence. He narrowed his eyes, checking the spot below his balcony.

He wasn't that high up. He could scale down the palace walls using the vines littered all over the place. Vines his aunt insisted on getting rid of, but Tommy refused to remove.

His mother loved nature and its attributes—but especially adored vines. She loved the way it took its shape into every building. She wanted to keep them on the walls, so, naturally, Tommy did as well.

He sighed, swinging his legs over the balcony.

 

────୨ৎ────

 

Niki jolted awake as her head hit the window. She grimaced as she rubbed her head, looking over at her parents who were immersed in a conservation.

Usually, she would try to eavesdrop, but she could tell the conversation wasn't going anywhere interesting. She laid her cheek against the soft window, staring out into the wet forest.

It had begun to rain sometime when she was sleeping, and it brought a smile to her face. She loved the rain.

The smile faded as quickly as it had formed when she remembered she was still on the road towards the Antarctic Empire to be married off to some prince. She's met a fair number of princes before, and basically all of them were just privileged assholes who thought they could do anything the wanted.

All she wanted was to be with her crew. To be with Technoblade, Fundy, Ranboo—everyone.

They didn't judge her, unlike her parents.

They also didn't know she was a princess, but it had to stay that way. She couldn't tell them. What would they do if they found out one of their crew members was the princess of one of the largest hybrid-hating kingdoms?

They would surely kick her out, and she couldn't deal with that. Niki took a deep breath, closing her eyes.

She made a plan to escape earlier, but it hadn't really worked out. She wouldn't be able to get out with her parents next to her and guards watching her like a hawk.

She'd thought about a million different ways that she'd escape, but all of them led to her probably getting chained to the damn seat. It wouldn't really surprise her if her parents did end up doing that.

Thunder struck outside, and she could hear the rain thickening as the horses neighed in fear. An idea sparked inside her head, and she re-opened her eyes.

"I need to go to the bathroom," she said abruptly, causing both of her parents to look over at her.

"What?" her mom furrowed her brow. "Right now?"

"Yeah."

"It's pouring rain, dear, and we're almost ther—"

"Please just let me go." Niki interrupted, swallowing thickly.

Her mother seemed unsure for a moment, but then nodded gracefully. She almost scowled at that, but held herself back as she opened the carriage door.

Rain instantly pooled onto her skin, but she hardly cared. Her mind drifted to Ranboo, who was hydrophobic—meaning he couldn't really get wet without being in pain.

She hoped he was okay, but pushed the thought out of her mind for now. She needed to focus. Niki slid out of the cart, dousing her heels in muddy water.

She still wasn't sure why she even had to wear heels. The shoes were far from comfortable. The pressure on her foot increased, and her muscles tensed slightly.

She hadn't walked in a while—being occupied with making the trip over to the empire and all. She noted the way her guards dismounted the horses, taking to her side.

They would be hard to shake, but not impossible. She huffed quietly before continuing down the wet road, bumps forming all over her arms.

Her arm hairs stood up, and she hoped she wasn't about to get struck by lightning. That would be very inconvenient to say the least.

Niki cleared her throat as she got to a abnormally large bush, turning to her guards.

"I would like some privacy, please."

Both of them spared glances to each other, and even with the helmet on she could tell they were hesitant. But they obeyed after a moment, turning around and walking slightly forward. Forward enough that they wouldn't hear what she was about to do.

She ducked behind the greenry, thanking nature for being there. The sky darkened, clouds looming above her.

Niki waited until the sky lit up, lightening raining down on the forest. The horses were nothing less than spooked, and as she ran forwards she felt guilty.

They couldn't run. They were stuck with her snobby parents, doing everything they were told to do.

She was once like that.

She's not like that anymore. She'll never be her parents stupid pawn.

Niki ducks right, spotting the town of the Antarctic Empire. The town where her crew will be waiting. She was planning on escaping once she got to the palace, but this was a better opportunity.

Once she got there, she would disappear. No one would ever know about Princess Niki.

Starting now, she was Nemisis.

 

***

Tommy sighed in relief as he finally got to the bottom, darkness totaling the sky now. The stars were shining above him, daring to be seen.

He immediately put his hood down tight, not wanting to be recognized by the people. He wasn't sure if he was well-liked or not, but he certainly didn't want to cause a scene and risk his aunt finding out that he snuck out.

The lights from the town were even brighter, however, as he grew closer to the town square. Thankfully, the palace wasn't that far away, so he didn't have to walk much.

He hated walking. So much so that when he was younger, he'd make his mother carry him. Sometimes his father would even let him onto his shoulders.

The memory brought a smile to his face, and it only got bigger when he heard the music. The soft melody enchanted his ears, filling every corner with the majestic sound.

He'd never really listen to music in the palace. His mother was a big fan of it, but it was mostly listened by her in private.

And, well, his aunt—she was the destroyer of anything fun. Anything different, really. Which is why she hated hybrids. And Tommy.

Fire crackled in the square, and he wasn't entirely sure what was happening. I mean, obviously it was a festival, but why now? They could've been celebrating the fact that the princess was about to be arriving, but he doubted it. They tended to hate royalty, especially his aunt and uncle.

His empire was littered with hybrids, and they didn't take to kindly to them being discriminated against as soon as his parents died.

Tommy hated that fact too, but there wasn't much he could do about it. Sure, maybe becoming king meant he could fix the laws, but a lot of the new guards his aunt hired were loyal to her cause of ridding the empire of them.

Thankfully, she hasn't started that cause yet and wouldn't if he could do anything about it.

Laughter echoed through the crowd, and he did his best to avoid bumping into people. He had one place and one place only in mind; the tavern.

Yeah, he wasn't legally allowed to drink yet, but whatever. He needed something to calm him after today's events. Especially with his freedom about to end when the princess arrived.

He brushed past an alleyway, noting the suspicious activity going on in there. There was always something happening in the streets.

Tommy finally reached the tavern, having to push past a pretty hefty crowd to get inside the damn place. He was honestly just thankful he didn't get punched or something. That would be inconvenient to explain to his aunt.

The place was pretty crowded for a day in the middle of the week, but he wasn't complaining. More people meant that nobody would ask questions, and he really hated questions.

He took a seat next to this insanely muscular guy—who looked as if he could kill him with a look. He swallowed the fear threatening to rise up, avoiding eye contact with this strange man.

Lights lit up around the place, and that was when he noticed that the man had pink hair. How are you gonna look that intimidating but choose to have pink hair?

He snorted quietly, hoping the man wouldn't hear.

A woman came up to him, seemingly looking like he worked at the place. His suspicions were confirmed when she spoke the next second.

"What would ya' like?"

"Uhm… what's the most popular drink?"

She smiled, "Well, people like yourself usually order mead or ale, so which one would ya' like?"

He frowned at the 'people like yourself,' unsure of what that meant, but just shook it off and smiled tightly.

"Ale, I guess." He murmured, leaning on his cheek.

"Comin' right up," she replied, grabbing various things from the counter below her and running off.

He huffed, feeling exhaustion tower over him. He honestly wishes he could just fall asleep forever.

Then he wouldn't have to deal with all this king crap.

"Why are you here?"

His hand slipped off his cheek, and he whipped his head to the man he'd been sitting next to. The one who looked extremely terrifying despite the bright pink hair.

"I—Excuse me?"

He swished his drink around. "Just wonderin' why a child would come to a place like this."

"Child?" he exclaimed in disbelief, "You look like you're pushing sixty!"

"Sure," the man chuckled, "You still look nine years old."

"I'm not nine!"

He shrugged, taking a sip of whatever death drink he had in that thing. He'd looked like he reaped souls. Tommy grimaced, feeling irritation mixed with fear wash over him.

"Why the fuck do you have pink fuckin' hair of all kinds?" He blurted out, practically slapping his hand over his mouth. This grim reaper was totally about to end his life in the most painful way possible.

He glanced over at him, eyebrows raised in a confused manner. "I don't think nine year olds supposed to be using that sort of language."

"Oh my fuckin—" he groaned. "What do you want?"

"How old are you?"

"Why the hell you wanna know that?" He flinched back in a confused manner. "That's pretty creepy if you ask me, man. I'm not telling a stranger my age."

His mouth quirked up in the slightest way. "At least you're a smart nine year old."

"Oi!" he exclaimed, pulling his hands over his face. "You're a fuckin' wrougun', you know that right?"

"I am aware." The man took another sip, sighing. "What are you really doing here?"

"Not that it's any of your business," he flicked his finger at the wooden counter, "But I needed to unwind, I guess."

"Illegally," he added.

"You look like you do illegal things every fuckin' day, so I wouldn't be talkin."

The man smirked, teeth barred. "Fair enough."

Just as soon as that awful conversation ended, the woman came back with his drink. She smiled as she set it down, holding out her hand.

Holding out her —?

Oh, shit.

He forgot he would have to pay in the rush he was in to get out of that horrid palace. Tommy cursed under his breath, pulling his hands down his face.

What was he going to do? Sure, he could just reveal he was the prince and the woman would probably just let it go free, but then he'd risk his aunt finding out he was out.

Plus, he didn't really want this creepy guy next to him to know he was the prince. He could probably execute him if he wanted to, anyways.

As if the creepy man knew he was thinking about him, he started rummaging through his pockets. Tommy watched as he pulled out a few coins, sliding them on the counter to the woman.

"Here."

She looked confused, but wasn't about to turn down the money. The woman pulled the coins into her hands, walking away to greet someone else without another word.

He swallowed. "Uhm… thanks."

The man rose out from the seat, tipping a mask over his face. It looked to be a boar skull, and he hadn't noticed it was there before because it was so dark in the tavern.

He looked even more terrifying with it on, and he felt himself inching back.

"Your welcome, kid," he replied gruffly, turning his head to look at Tommy, "I would be careful around here. Kids like you get eaten alive."

"Not a kid," he remarked. "But thanks for the concern. Really appreciate it."

He let out what Tommy assumed was a chuckle, slipping past the boy and into the crowd. When he turned to watch him leave, the man was already long gone.

He sighed, curling in on himself. Tommy eyed the drink that he'd gotten. He'd wanted it before, but after that unsettling interaction and the thought of his aunt finding him drunk—he wasn't particularly looking forward to taking even a singular sip of the liquid.

He felt slightly guilty at the fact that the man had paid for it and he wasn't even going to drink it, but he pushed the feeling away as soon as he pushed himself off of the stool and made way for the exit.

Cold air wrapped around him, and the air reeked of smoke and fire. He wrinkled his nose, desperate to get away from the terrible smile.

Tommy continued the path he took to get her, slipping into nearby alleyways. Which probably wasn't the best idea at this time of night, but whatever.

It didn't take him long to get back to the castle wall, peering up at the large building. It looked kind of beautiful if you forgot about every bad thing that took place in there.

He planted his fingers onto the vines, shutting his eyes before making the climb up.

 

 

Tommy collapsed onto his balcony floor after a while of climbing, huffing as he looked up into the night sky. The stars burned brightly tonight, and he wondered if his mother was saying hi to him.

She'd always say the stars had a message in them, whether that be from your ancestors or nature itself.

"Thomas!"

He bolted up at his name, adrenaline coursing through him. Only one person called him that—one extremely annoying person; his aunt.

He twirled his head around to see her standing above him, towering over him like she was superior. She wasn't. Not even a single bit.

"Oh," he whispered. "Uhm, hi."

She looked to be even more enraged at that, grabbing his wrist tightly and tugging him up. Her nails were sharp, and he flinched as she pulled him into his room.

It was exceedingly warm compared to outside, and he would've sighed a breath of relief if he had not been staring at his angry aunt. She probably would've gotten even more angrier at that, and now he wishes he had done that.

"'Hi'? Where in the ever-loving hell were you?"

"In the town."

"In the town?" she repeats, "You know you're not allowed to be there without me!"

"Yeah, I know."

"So? Why don't you explain to me why you did that, then?"

He tore his arm from her grasp. "Because I fuckin' wanted to."

"Excuse me? You do not talk to me like that."

Tommy turned to face away from her, stabbing his palms with his fingers. "Whatever, okay? You've lectured me, now please leave."

"No, you know what—" she pinched the bridge of her nose, glaring at him. "I'm done with your attitude. You're not coming out of this room until your coronation."

His heart sank, and he turned back to her. "What? You can't do that!"

"Yes, I can, Thomas," she didn't waste anymore time looking at him as she brushed past him aggressively. "And I will."

He breathed shakily, rage shoning through him. "What the fuck is wrong with you? You can't just expect me to—"

A hand cut him off, smacking right into his cheek. It immediately started to burn, being mixed with the cold for so long.

His eyes halted to the floor, and he didn't bother picking his gaze up to look at her. He didn't even want to look at her.

"Like I said before—you do not speak to me like that, and what I say goes," she sighed, seemingly wipping her hands on her dress. Like Tommy's face disgusted her. "This conversation is over. I will see you tomorrow morning with the princess."

In the next breath, she's out the door with a thud. A thud that echoes through the room, filling Tommy's ears with nothing but the sound of defeat.

He bites back a sob, collasping onto the bed next to him. Tommy grips the blood-red sheets, letting out a wave of cries into them. He shouldn't be crying.

He's not even sure why he is. He's not weak.

He's not.

 

 

 

Tommy wakes to the sound of hushed voices in the hallway, one sounding ergent and the other sounding calm.

At first, he doesn't open his eyes, thinking it's just some noisy guards in the middle of the night. With his aunt as temporary ruler until he was crowned king, that tended to be a daily thing that happened.

But then he recognized one of the voices as his aunt. Which didn't make sense. She was usually asleep in her bed fairly early, wanting to get her 'beauty sleep.'

That of such didn't exist for a woman like her.

So his eyes jolted open, scanning the room. He's not really sure why, but ever since his parents were attacked in their room, he's been on edge when sleeping in his own.

The voices got louder, and he could hear footsteps very clearly near the door. Tommy slid out of his bed, drowsiness still overcoming him.

His hair felt messy as he ran his fingers through it, stopping at many knots. He began towards the door, flicking his ears closer.

"—My daughter is missing, and you haven't done anything about it yet!"

"I promise you, we are sending guards out as we speak."

"I swear, it was one of those monsters that took her!"

Monster? Who was his aunt talking to? And what monster was lurking near the castle walls?

His aunt waited a beat before replying. "… a hybrid?"

"Yes! What are we going to do?"

"Don't worry, I am taking care of the hybrid problem," she reassures. "As for your daughter, we will not rest until she is found."

The footsteps faded, the voices going with them. Tommy let out a shaky breath, barely even comprehending what he'd heard.

His mother flashed into his mind, and he collapsed against the floor below him.

Tommy could almost see the red liquid over her body, the taste of metal on his tounge that cried out for her. He had begged her to stay—for both of them to stay.

They hadn't listened to him.