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‘You can’t keep saying that you know?’
He knows, or so he tells her as they both dust themselves down and she dabs at the cut on her head.
They really need to stop being involved in explosions.
Good to see you. It's driving her mad. He's said it every time they've seen one another this past year.
‘Are you good?’ he asks nodding towards her injury.
‘I’ll be fine.’
He tilts his head at her. ‘Hailey.’
‘Don’t Hailey me right now. You shouldn’t have broken your cover.’
That has him straightening up.
‘I absolutely should have.’
‘You need to go,’ she says. She doesn’t have time to argue with him. ‘I got this. Go before there are more eyes on this.’
He makes no move to leave. Just stands before her in boots she doesn’t recognise and a jacket that looks too good on him despite now being covered in dust.
‘They’ll probably pull me anyway.’
‘Well, you don’t know that for sure so.’
He dips his head to be closer to her level and their eyes lock for too long before she looks away. Distracts herself by using her phone to call her contact at the local field office.
‘You need to go,’ she nods after she disconnects the call. ‘I’ve got this and the backup is here.’
There’s a pause where he just looks at her as the sound of sirens grows closer.
‘Promise me you’ll get your head checked.’
‘I don’t -‘
‘Owe me anything,’ he finishes. ‘I know but your health is important, Hailey and I don’t feel right leaving without -‘
Now it’s her turn to cut him off with a bitter laugh. Now he doesn’t feel right leaving. The irony.
‘Fine. I’ll get my head checked. You can leave now.’
‘Okay, okay.’
He slips away as quickly as he came and still - even after all this time - it breaks her heart to watch him walk away.
————
‘Agent Upton?’
‘That’s me,’ she says looking up from her work phone.
‘Your husband is here to check on you,’ the nurse says kindly.
The words are jarring but they’re not entirely a surprise. She knew he was right about getting pulled from his undercover work. Knew he’d likely come to check on her given that it’s the first real opportunity they will have had to talk freely.
She’ll gain nothing from sending him away. The case unfolding as it is will have them working together for the foreseeable now.
She straightens up.
‘Sure. Send him in,’ she says. Her voice sounding far more casual than she feels.
He steps in a few moments later. Concern in his gaze. ‘Hey.’
‘Hey.’
‘What’s the verdict?’
‘You didn’t need to come down here. I’m fine. Waiting for discharge papers.’
‘Good. That’s good and I know I didn’t need to, but I wanted to.’
She doesn’t really have anything to say to that so she moves the conversation to the case which is inherently dangerous yet a far safer topic for discussion
‘They pull you?’
He nods. ‘From the undercover gig, yeah. Though they want me here working this still.’
‘I figured.’
And honestly, they need him. His intel and experience with all of this have been one of their biggest leads for the past few months.
Months where Jay has been under with one of the most dangerous organised crime rings Hailey has come across in her career.
She sees it then. The tiredness clinging to him. The need for some sense of normalcy. She knows what that’s like and for all the lies between them, she wants him to be okay.
‘You good? Guessing this has been a lot.’
His whole face softens at her question despite her trying to keep it professional. ‘I’m okay. I’m good to work. Thank you - for asking.’
‘Sure,’ she says looking down at her lap.
They’re interrupted then by the nurse coming back with her discharge papers.
‘I can drive you,’ Jay offers when they head out.
‘Jay.’
‘Hailey, I know you don’t want to talk to me about any of that right now. I would like to talk to you about everything, but I respect that you just want to work right now.’
She sighs and he knows she’s giving in.
‘Where are you heading?’ he asks.
She shoots him a sideways look and he knows.
‘Come on.’
He’s not driving a truck, and it feels a little jarring. She knows it’s his UC vehicle, but it still feels off.
‘Will had another kid. I’m not sure if you know that.’
‘I didn’t know that.’
‘Yeah, little Olive. She’s super cute. Got a good set of lungs on her too.’
‘Spoken like a true Uncle.’
He looks over at her with that smile of his and just for a moment it’s all too familiar.
She shakes it off and talk turns to the case until they’re pulling up at their destination.
They both pause looking up at the building before them. So many memories. The best and the worst of them.
‘You good?’
And there it is again. Those two words still falling from his lips like a habit.
‘Are you?’
‘Only one way to find out.’
They fall into step but they keep their distance. Each one going either side of the handrail up the steps and when they step inside it hits her.
She’s standing in the 21st with Jay by her side and it feels like a fever dream.
He pauses beside her and she sees how his hand instinctively moves towards her lower back and she can’t have that. Not here. Not now.
‘You know sometimes, as you get older, they say your mind plays tricks on you.’
They both look up at Trudy’s words called across her desk to them.
‘Hey, Trudy.’
‘Sarge.’
‘Well, I’ll be damned.’ And then the desk sergeant rounds the desk and pulls her into a hug. ‘Come here you fancy fed. Some things don’t change though, huh?’ She says gesturing to Hailey’s head.
‘I’m fine. Honest.’
‘And you,’ she says and rounds on Jay with her hands on her hips.
Hailey watches her shake her head at him. Emotion in her gaze and Jay swallows hard from whatever he sees there. Trudy doesn’t take her eyes from his but her words are for Hailey.
‘Am I hugging him, Upton?’
She’s grateful for Trudy having her back but this place was Jay’s home long before it was hers.
‘You can hug him.’
And Trudy does hug him but not before she shoves him in the shoulder and tells him off for disappearing but Hailey sees how tight she hugs him and she doesn’t catch all of what Trudy whispers to him but she hears her old nickname for him.
God, she’d forgotten it herself. How she used to call him Chuckles.
She never did ask why.
Though she imagines it’s the same side of Jay that has said, ‘It’s good to see you,’ the last three times they’ve bumped into one another with this case.
The case. That’s why there here. She squares her shoulders and Trudy, unsurprisingly, notices the shift in her.
‘Guessing this isn’t a social call though.’
‘It’s not,’ Jay says.
‘You should hear this too, Trudy.’
And that’s how the three of them wind up walking into the bullpen together.
————
‘So you and Jay waltzing up the stairs together was not on my bingo card for today.’
She shoots Kim a sideways glance from the passenger seat. ‘We didn’t waltz.’
‘Okay, so no waltzing was involved but…I’m guessing that’s not the first time you two have seen one another.’
‘It’s not. We’ve crossed paths twice with this case before today but Jay’s been under with it for the last eight months or so,’ she shrugs.
‘That’s a long time.’
‘It is.’
‘And today he broke his cover for you?’
‘Yep.’
‘Okay. Wow.’
It’s Kim and she trusts her even if she never really let her in and she needs to tell someone. Just get it off her chest.
‘He says he wants to talk.’
Kim’s eyes widen at her admission. ‘You don’t?’
‘Not now at least.’
‘I think that’s fair enough. But I gotta say, the two of you running through the case, it kind of felt like before. The two of you were always scarily in sync.’
Hailey knows exactly what she means because it had. For a few minutes, it felt like everything else just fell away because they could still finish one another’s sentences. Still knew where the other was going with their line of thinking.
It had been exhilarating and a lot.
Too much for right now.
———-
She finishes up her call with her field office in Detroit and makes her way back up the back staircase to find the bullpen still empty. They’ve worked solidly for the last ten hours or so and Hank had told them all to take twenty.
But there are voices coming from Voight’s office. Jay’s voice.
Though Voight had greeted her warmly yesterday, it had been a mere nod of the head to one another from the two men but they’re sat together in Hank’s office now and clearly assume they still have the place to themselves.
‘You doing okay? I know we haven’t spoken in what - nearly four years now.’
‘I’m,’ she hears Jay pause and choose his next words carefully, ‘okay. The reasons why I left…I’m solid.’
‘I don’t doubt it. You been down in Bolivia until this case?’
‘No, actually. I wasn’t there for all that long but I, well, Hailey deserves to hear that first.’
She leans heavily against the wall behind her. She knows they need to talk. He’s not wrong about that. Even more so now she doesn’t actually have any idea where he’s been since he left Chicago.
If he wasn’t in Bolivia, then she’s not too sure how the papers reached him but she figures she’ll find out at some point.
She hears the others coming through the gate and moves to find her temporary seat. It can wait. It has to.
————
Silence fills the car except for the sound of the rain hammering down outside.
He keeps looking over at her and she knows he’s waiting to see if she gives him the green light to talk.
Kim had been with them for the first hour or so of surveillance but had conveniently, in Hailey’s mind, been called away by Trudy.
‘Why did you say it?’ she says. Her patience with the quiet finally wearing thin.
‘Say what?’
‘At the hospital. That you were my husband.’
‘I didn’t.’
He’s telling the truth. She sees it on his face.
And in that moment she realises she’s never changed her medical emergency contact on her insurance.
‘I was surprised you said you’d see me,’ he adds and then his face falls. ‘Why? Were you expecting someone else when they said it was your husband?’
‘Of course not.’
The words leave her mouth before she can really contemplate it, but she knows herself. Knows the man beside her is the only man she’ll ever call her husband.
She risks looking up at him and he looks like he’s about to be sick before he lets out of a heavy breath.
It pisses her off.
‘You don’t get to act like that, you know. You don’t get to act like the thought of me being married to someone else hurts you. You were married to me and you didn’t care!’
He doesn’t match her volume but frustration cuts through his tone. ‘I didn’t care? I loved you. I loved you the day that I left and I’ve loved you every day since.’
And then all hell breaks loose.
Gunfire rings out in rapid succession and Jay yells at her to drive as he calls it in.
Back up comes quickly given the high-profile nature of the case and the team aren’t far behind.
She can barely see because of the rain slanting down but she knows exactly where Jay is at every turn. Feels his touch on her shoulder as they enter the warehouse. Hears his steady stream of instructions to the team over the radio as he slips into an all too familiar role of leading in the field.
And there’s a comfort it. Even now. When it all goes to hell, she feels better with him by her side.
She’s capable. More than. Her new role has only strengthened that, but she’ll never have a partner like him again.
And then she feels herself thrown to the side. This time not by an explosion but by a body. She lands hard on the concrete even with his arms wrapped around her.
And then more shots and Kevin’s voice. Closer than it was before.
‘You two good?’
‘You good?’ he whispers. His breath warm against her ear as she nods against his chest where she’s still wrapped up in his arms. ‘Yeah, we’re good, man,’ he says to Kev.
He lifts his head so he can look at her and she knows the near miss isn’t the only reason she’s breathing hard right now but they still have a job to do and they both know it so she accepts his outstretched hand as he pulls her up.
‘Thank you,’ she tells him dusting herself off and he nods at her. His eyes quickly scanning over her to check she really is okay.
‘I’m good, let’s go.’
————
‘That’s it then,’ Trudy says to her twelve hours later, ‘heading back off to fight the good fight?’
She smiles at her old desk sergeant’s words as she leans up against Trudy’s post.
‘Sure has been nice to have the two of you back around the place again, you know.’
She squeezes one of her eyes shut. No sure what else to say. It has been nice, but it doesn’t mean she wants to come back.
‘Some might even say it was meant to be,’ Trudy adds with that all too familiar meddling glint in her eye.
‘Come on, you don’t believe in that crap.’ She changes tact when Trudy’s quiet in response. ‘Do you?’
‘I do.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah, I do. I just don’t let that fact be known by many people. Sometimes folks just need a little time to find their way. He’s waiting by your car, by the way.’
‘Yeah,’ she says. ‘I figured he might be.’
‘You wanna hang out a while longer? Make the man wait in the rain.’
She smiles. ‘No, I’m good.’
And he is right where Trudy said. Holdall bag slung over his shoulder waiting by the front of her car.
‘Hey.’
‘Hey. No ‘It’s good to see you’ this time, huh?’
‘It’s always good to see you.’
She fixes him with a look, but his expression is genuine.
He sets his bag down by his feet. ‘Look, I’m sorry if me saying it was good to see you made you uncomfortable when we’ve seen one another with this case.’
‘Not uncomfortable,’ she says fiddling with her keys. ‘Just maybe a little pissed off.’
‘Yeah, that’s fair enough,’ he says on a chuckle. ‘I mean it though. It’s so good to see you.’
‘Is that why you’re lurking by my car?’
Lightness she can do right now.
‘Yes.’ He says and this time it’s a full-blown laugh that leaves him and it hits her like a punch in the gut - how much she’s missed that sound.
‘You heading to the airport?’
He nods. Holds up his phone in his hand with his uber app open.
‘Get in,’ she says nodding to the car.
It’s quiet for a few minutes after he thanks her but the quiet isn’t as unsettling as it was earlier or even two days ago when he drove her back from the hospital.
‘Where are you heading off to?’
‘Seattle.’
‘You’re going to see Will?’
‘Yeah, though mainly Olive and Owen. And Nat. All of them except Will really.’
It pulls a smile from her. His gently ribbing of his brother.
‘How old is she?’
‘Ten months. I’ll find a photo.’
‘Ten months? Were you able to meet her before you went under?’
‘Yeah, just the once in the hospital so it’ll be good to see her properly.’
When the traffic slows to a stop, he holds his phone up and swipes through a series of photos of a tiny little baby and then one of her with Nat and Will and another adorable shot with Owen and then, when he swipes once more, it’s Jay’s arms that little Olive is nestled in and it steals her breath.
‘She’s a cute one,’ she says because it’s true, but it also feels safe.
‘Takes after Nat.’
‘You would say that.’
‘How do you like Detroit?’
‘I like the job,’ she says. ‘It’s a good fit and there are some good people there.’
‘It feel like home?’
She might as well be honest. ‘Not entirely but I suppose home was always Chicago until it wasn’t. Might just take a while.’
‘But you’re not unhappy?’
‘I’m not unhappy.’
She’s not. She’s not sure she’s happy either but she’s so much better than she was when she was here in the city.
‘Feel odd to be back?’ he asks as the city passes by outside the window.
‘Yes and no,’ she answers. ‘You?’
‘Yeah, it’s been a long time.’
‘I overheard part of your conversation with Voight in his office.’
‘Okay.’
‘I heard you say you weren’t in Bolivia for long.’
He drags a hand though his hair. ‘I wasn’t. I got transferred to a different unit after about two months. It was more difficult to keep in touch.’
‘Where were you then?’
‘Guatemala, Panama for a while and then back to the states.’
He came back here? She has a million questions but none she’s ready to ask so she simply says okay.
‘I can tell you,’ he says, shifting his gaze back to her. ‘I want to explain and you deserve to hear it.’
‘I’m not ready.’
‘Okay. That’s okay.’
And it’s so indescribably him. The kindness in his voice. How understanding and patient he’s being and it makes it all so much harder that he’s still her Jay.
The Jay she loves.
And he’s right. They do need to talk but the last few days have tested her limits and she can’t do anymore right now.
He doesn’t push though, changes to subject to ideas for what he should buy Olive and Owen as gifts from the airport duty free.
And they pass the rest of the time talking about things that decidedly aren’t about their relationship.
Past relationship, she means, only there’s something still there. Something indescribable and undeniable.
‘Just answer me this,’ she says as they come to a stop by the departure boards, ‘was all of it by choice? The never taking my calls, shutting me out.’
She can’t quite get her mouth to work around the word divorce, but it sits there unspoken in the air between them.
‘No, not all of it.’
She scans his features. Handsome as always. And she sees no trace of a lie there.
‘I should head for my flight.’
She hooks her hands in the straps of her backpack for something to do.
‘Yeah, of course. Me too,’ he agrees though neither of them move.
Instead, they both smile a little nervously at one another.
‘It’s been really good to work with you again,’ he says quietly.
‘It’s been good to work with you too.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah,’ and she surprises herself a little with how certain she sounds. It’s has been good which has been both healing and a little problematic.
‘Can I call you? I heard you when you said you’re not ready for the other stuff, but I’d still like to call.’
The heaviness she felt a moment ago lifts at the hopeful smile on his face.
‘You can call. I might not answer,’ she smiles, ‘but you can call.’
There’s that laughter again. She always loved making him laugh in that way of his where his eyes were bright and he’d shake his head at her in wonder.
‘Noted.’
And then with a final smile, she really does turn to leave to catch her flight.
She doesn’t make it thirty feet before her phone rings and she looks down at her screen and his name on the caller ID and smiles before she hits answer.
‘Tell me something,’ she says, ‘why does Trudy call you Chuckles?’