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A surprisingly chilly brush of cold hellish night air nipped at Alastor’s nose. He slept fairly light normally. In fact, it was rare that he got a full night’s rest. Especially on cold nights. On cold nights, his sleep was consistently interrupted as small shivers danced across his body. With a small groan of tired annoyance, he burrowed further into the blankets of his bed. Well…their bed.
Alastor squinted into the black abyss of their hotel bedroom as his vision cleared to reveal his partner. He smiled at the sleeping form next to him.
Lucifer…
…his partner…
The sinner almost laughed at the word.
It held too many meanings for the two of them. They were partners on projects at the hotel, at home, always pairing themselves together for games at hotel events that Charlie led, dance partners, music partners when they played duets together, drinking partners, and Lucifer had even gotten courageous one day and joked around the subject of maybe one day becoming life time partners. Alastor never outright declined, which he was sure the angel considered a win in itself. The Radio Demon had only responded with a simple, “Well, I hate most people, but I don’t ever seem to fully hate you.”
Alastor smiled at the memory again. Heavens…the more he thought about it, their relationship probably did look a little strange to any outside person, but it worked for the two of them.
Alastor didn’t really have friends, and Lucifer was kind of friends with almost everyone. Alastor was mean and lashed out at kind gestures, and Lucifer loved being compassionate and showing random acts of kindness. People didn’t understand why they worked.
The Sins and some of Lucifer’s ‘friends’ had asked him why he spent so much time with the sinner.
And overlords had asked Alastor why he made such an effort to be friends with the king…especially after he said time and time again that there were no friends in Hell.
Alastor couldn’t believe his ears. Effort? They said it as if being around Lucifer was a chore. Alastor had answered rather defensively to the group of sinners before he could help himself. “He is ridiculous. Forgetful, absurd but…” He had said. “.... creative…and….entertaining at least to be around.”
Honestly, he could see the temptation of falling in love with the embodiment of pride.
When he started throwing around the word ‘love’ where Lucifer was concerned? He didn’t know, but he slowly began to believe that’s what it was.
Alastor loved the fact that, even through his disdain of sinners, Lucifer saw him as an equal. He loved that there were sides that the blond wouldn’t show to just anyone, but he showed them to the ‘bellhop’ of his daughter’s hotel. Alastor guessed that when it all boiled down to it, he really just loved Lucifer because he had earned that right.
Lucifer was hard to get.
Difficult to understand with all of his…quirkiness.
He would shut down and hide away from people when he felt uncomfortable. Then he’d be quick to bite back at the first sign of judgement. But, countless tests of faith and trust, had shown Lucifer that Alastor wasn’t going anywhere…whether he liked it or not.
He wasn’t going to leave any time soon.
Something that Alastor knew the angel feared more than anything.
Being left alone…
Again…
He wasn’t going to judge Lucifer for getting angry…or emotional…or…numb… or anything.
He could let go around him.
It was freeing for both parties.
Lucifer didn’t have to worry about what Alastor thought, and Alastor gained entertainment by getting to see God’s once favored creation for who he really was. It was a privilege that the overlord did not take lightly. He knew that he was special. He was an exception to Lucifer’s long list of unspoken rules about sinners.
He saw Lucifer at his absolute worst and weakest, yet still stuck around. And while they both bickered and annoyed each other in front of others, the blond was always kind and warm behind closed doors. This made Alastor feel all the more special.
The vulnerable, sweet and caring…. ‘weak’ side of Lucifer was for Alastor’s eyes only. Those vulnerable moments that Lucifer had were some of Alastor’s most treasured memories. He hated to see his partner hurt so much, but damn, he loved seeing him release all the emotions he had bottled up for so long. Seeing the relief that came after. He loved even more so that he was the only one that got to see them and was privileged enough to be there for him.
Yes….that was it.
Love.
He loved his partner.
Alastor didn’t know when his eyes had closed again, but they were closed and he was in a deep sleep once more. His dream was taking a turn in a weird direction though. He was on a regular stroll through Pentagram City. It was night time and the streets were…oddly… nearly deserted. A few ghostly street lamps shone above him as he strolled through the seemingly quiet city. He liked midnight walks, liked the night air and time to clear his mind from the day.
But suddenly… an uneasy feeling shivered up Alastor’s spine. He stopped in his tracks, perked up his ears and looked around.
Something was wrong.
Alastor’s gaze followed up to the street lights as they began to flicker rapidly above him. He let out a breath. His breath danced on the air as he felt the cold of the night creep on him. He hated being cold.
Why was it so cold?....
He was in Hell.
Small whimpers and mutters found their way to his ears.
Someone was scared? Hurting?
Curious, he walked towards the sound’s origin. The stifled cries grew louder and more frantic.
Where were they?
Alastor didn’t know why he suddenly cared, but he strolled slightly faster trying to find the source of the sound. Someone needed help. They were scared.
He zipped through the dark alleys that seemed to stretch for miles. “Where are you?” He called out.
Suddenly, distant crackling noises and the smell of smoke and charred fabric filled the city streets. Alastor looked around. The crackling seemed to be everywhere now. All around him. It was getting closer. The soft, stifled cries filled his ears again. ‘I know that voice…’ Alastor thought to himself. His heart suddenly started racing. He didn’t know what possessed him, but he…. He had to find them.
Suddenly, the whimpers and cries were accompanied by frantic heavy breathing. Alastor’s dream slowly started to disappear and his conscious mind started to stir. His senses one by one started to wake. The smell of burnt fabric filled his nostrils. The sound of heavy breathing and panicked rustling of bedsheets snapped his eyes open. He crooked his head to look at the other body sleeping next to him.
Lucifer was tightly gripping the sheets underneath his body as flickers of hellfire singed the fabric he held in his air tight grip. His chest rose and fell rapidly, and his face was scrunched up in pain as pitiful groans escaped his lips. His sweat stained the sheets that he slowly rustled about in.
Alastor should have known.
The nightmares….they were back.
“Your Majesty?” he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and quickly sat up to move closer to the blond next to him. “Come now, calm down. It’s alright.” He summoned his shadows to protect his palms and fingers and gently pried the blond’s hands away from the bedsheets and laced their fingers together to keep the small sparks of fire contained. Lucifer’s whimpers grew louder. Some ‘Stops’ and ‘Nos’ were the only words Alastor could make out. The redhead sighed as his palms tingled from the small pops of flames against them. “Shh. You’re safe.” He reassured gently. “You’re alright.”
Alastor looked down at Lucifer’s face. His partner’s look of fear and pain was almost too much for him.
Shit…he hated seeing him like this. He was doing so well. He hadn’t had an attack in almost three months. To be honest, Alastor thought that the attacks were going to spike tremendously as soon as the blond had finalized his divorce. He was pleasantly surprised when the devil only had some slight trouble the first few nights after they had officially moved into the same room together.
Alastor knew this was something his king hated about himself.
Saw his nightmares as another weakness.
He was embarrassed about it. He hated that the sinner felt like he needed to assist him during them. Alastor never minded though. It..strangely… made him feel good knowing that he could help his partner this way. Heaven knows the king’s stubborn pride wouldn’t willingly let Alaster help in other areas of his life.
Alastor, still clutching the sparking palms in his hands, threw one leg over Lucifer’s trembling body and pulled himself up to straddle his partner’s hips. “Shh. Lucifer, I need you to wake up.”
“Stop!” a choked sob emerged from Lucifer’s throat as a more powerful crackle of hellfire bounced off of Alastor’s palm and Lucifer’s body gave a violent thrash in an attempt to dismount the presence on top of him.
Alastor grunted as he struggled to keep Lucifer pinned down.
‘Just ground him… I think?…Give him a safe place to land when he finally comes down.’ Charlie’s voice echoed through his ears.
After the first time he had experienced one of Lucifer’s nightmares, the sinner had subtly asked Charlie if it was normal, and if so, if she knew what her father normally needed during one.
It came as no surprise to Alastor to learn that the nightmares had started not long after the angel’s fall and would happen from time to time, especially when the blond was stressed, or in a depression spiral…which Alastor hated to admit, happened more often than not.
But…the devil had been doing good…
It had been three months since his last nightmare.
Alastor breathed in deeply.
Gotta wake him up…
“Lucifer. Alastor hummed to the thrashing figure below him. “Lucifer, wake up. It’s just a dream.” Lucifer thrashed harder and his voice cracked as loudly as the fire coming from his palms. Alastor braced his knees tighter on either side of the blond’s hips, effectively locking his partner in place.
Shit…
….this one was bad.
Another thrash and strangled cry rang off the walls.
Alastor couldn’t help but think back on how this all started. The second night they had spent together.
The first time he saw the fear in Lucifer’s eyes. The first time he saw how deep the angel’s panic and anxiety was rooted into his making. When he pitifully and instinctively called out for his wife…and to his Father…and other angels that he had known before his fall.
And…to the Radio Demon’s surprise….Alastor’s heart broke. The sinner didn’t understand the impact Heaven had on the King of Hell. Nor did he understand the Morningstar family dynamic, but it somehow worked for them, even after the divorce, since they ended on good terms. Just like his and Lucifer’s relationship. It seemed to only make sense to them.
The angel’s cries continued though no tears fell yet from his closed eyes.
Alastor hated seeing him like this….
“Lucifer…sweetheart…” Alastor leaned in closer trying to enclose the violent thrashes better. “Shh, darling, you’re going to set the bed on fire again. I need you to calm down and wake up.”
Lucifer’s struggled cries rose once more as his palms of fire crackled louder and louder.
Shit…
Even through the protective magic of his shadows, Alastor’s laced hands started to sting harshly as the fire from the short king’s hands burned hotter.
Alastor gripped the blond’s hands a little tighter and focused all of his shadow magic to his own palms that now looked like they were smoking too. He braced himself for the inevitable. He leaned in closer against his thrashing, whimpering partner and begged softly.
“Lucifer, please wake up.”
A sudden and loud fire crack echoed through the walls of their shared bedroom accompanied by a desperate gasp of air.
Lucifer’s eyes shot open, a combination of his own hellfire power and his partner’s pleas finally waking him. Alastor felt the harsh and patent burn of Lucifer’s hellfire ever present on his hands. He hissed slightly in pain, but managed to keep the blast of flames somewhat contained between the two of them.
Lucifer’s wide eyes frantically searched the room in an attempt to clear his blurred vision. His sharp, accelerated breaths filled the space between him and the redhead that still clutched his palms.
Lucifer’s ruby eyes finally landed on his partner, and then on the pained expression painted on Alastor’s face. His mind was trying to catch up to him, while still trying to brush away the remnants of his nightmare.
He heard the taller man’s wince of pain. Someone had hurt Alastor. Someone was there. His worried eyes surveyed the area again for the culprit.
Was it Michael?
Lute?
Sera?
Someone else from Heaven?
Or an overlord?
His racing mind found no one, but they could be anywhere! The thought of that made his breath intakes quicken even more.
Until he recognized the distinct smell of smoke and his own flames that filled the air. Lucifer’s panicked eyes fell on his hands only to see that Alastor’s fingers were lovingly and strongly laced between his own, small clouds of smoke still rising from between them.
Lucifer let out a shuddered breath as realization hit him.
He was having a panic attack…
He was having an attack, and he…he had a nightmare and…
Oh, Heavens….he had hurt Alastor.
His eyes widened more as his breaths got even faster, and he looked up at his partner, ruby eyes filled with fear and tears that refused to fall now.
“I-I-I’m…I’m sorry…” he whispered.
Alastor’s eyes snapped down to meet the blond’s terrified stare.
Fuck… he hated that look. Lucifer’s panic attacks always made him feel so….so…bad.
He didn’t know why but…he just wanted to take all the fear away from the usually goofy and happy go-lucky king and put it on himself, if it meant that the angel could be happier.
Alastor acted quickly, unlacing his right hand from Lucifer’s and running it soothingly through the blond locks. “Shhh.”
“I’m so sorry…I’m-s- I’m so sorry- Alastor, I’m so sorry” More rushed and whispered apologies tumbled out of Lucifer’s mouth in between his strangled gasps for air and his efforts to keep from crying.
The sinner felt Lucifer’s trembling body beneath him and observed the blond’s struggled attempts to breathe. He had to calm him down.
Ground him. Give him a safe place to land.
Alastor didn’t think it would be a good decision to leave his partner at this point to go grab the medicine he knew Lucifer hated, but occasionally took during particularly intense attacks…which this one certainly was. He’d have to bring him back and calm him down by himself. Alastor continued to lovingly stroke the blond locks between his fingers. “Shhhh, It’s okay. You’re okay, sweetheart.” He unlaced his other hand and brought it up to cup half of his partner’s face; effectively holding his partner’s panicked gaze. “I’m here.”
I’m here.
Those words…
I’m here.
It all clicked for Lucifer one day what those words actually meant.
You don’t have to worry.
I’ll catch you.
You’re safe.
You’re not a burden.
I want to help.
I’m not leaving you.
You’re not alone…
I’m here.
His royal work takes too much of a toll to carry by oneself.
Fuck…Life in general takes too much of a toll to carry by oneself, and he had finally accepted that.
Lucifer couldn’t always get through these by himself. Damn, if he wouldn’t try though. But, no…he unfortunately did need help sometimes…. and Alastor’s presence, comforting touch, genuine smile and gentle voice was just enough.
I’m here.
Lucifer wasn’t alone.
His ruby eyes stayed locked with Alastor’s dark crimson ones as the redhead tried to guide him back down from his attack.
“You have nothing to apologize for, my angel.” He continued to hold the side of Lucifer’s cheek, soothingly rubbing calm circles around the red spots there as his other hand still ran through blond tresses. “Shhh. I need you to breathe with me, alright? Just as I do.” He breathed in deeply and very slowly; he let it out.
Lucifer tried to listen, he tried to breathe in slowly but every breath he took was shallow and quick. Being on the verge of tears again didn’t help much, but it felt like he was breathing through a straw.
“I-I-”
“You-” Alastor interrupted gently. “-need to be quiet and just breathe. Now, again..in.” Another deep breath. “And out.”
They continued this for a few moments. Breathing in and out. Alastor leading the way and guiding his partner back.
Lucifer’s shuddered attempts were getting better. Alastor could tell by the slower raise and fall of the fallen angel’s chest and the color that gradually returned to his face.
With his partner’s less frantic, though still trembled and shallow breathing, Alastor felt that he was safe to move on to the next step.
Ground him.
“Alright, you’re doing so well.” He slowly put one hand on Lucifer’s wrist and drew soothing circles on the inside of it with his thumb. “Now, I want you to just breathe and listen” Belphagor, Sin of Sloth, and Lucifer’s doctor, had taught Alastor some techniques and tricks she recommended he use to help the king through his attacks when they were mild or when he didn’t have his medication to help bring him down.
Alastor summoned his magic and turned on the radio in the room. He tuned in quickly and…gently, a soft melody spilled through the room.
“Just listen, sweetheart.” Alastor hummed. “Breathe and listen.”
Lucifer swallowed harshly and blinked quickly as he looked around the dark bedroom. What did Alastor want from him? He couldn’t listen. Everything felt so fucking muffled! His eyes bounced around the room and finally landed on some objects that he could at least make out the shape of. He tried to focus on figuring out the shapes as he poorly attempted to breathe.
Lucifer swallowed hard again, trying desperately to make his voice not sound so weak from all the suffocated cries. “I’m sorry.”
“Shhh none of that, lovely.” Alastor smiled reassuringly. “Just breathing and listening, remember?
Lucifer slammed his eyes shut tight and let out a shuddered breath.
Alastor’s smile brightened even more. “Good job, darling.”
Lucifer winced again as his lungs were trying urgently to open up and slow his breathing down more. Alastor slipped his hand back into Lucifer’s and the blond impulsively gripped it tight.
Shit, he sometimes forgot how strong Lucifer is.
“Okay, my love-” the redhead started his rhythmic circles again on the back of the devil’s hand. “-now I want you to tell me about those silly ducks you make. What’s your favorite one, hmm? I don’t think you’ve told me.”
“I- I made…I-” Lucifer had his eyes closed. He was trying to focus on the question but…but he noticed as his fingers gripped and ungripped the bedsheets that he had…yet again burned through them…
He truly destroyed anything and everything he touched.
His eyes shot open again.
“Sweetheart….” Alastor watched as Lucifer struggled to focus on the task given to him. His angel’s eyes were darting around the room again as if he was expecting someone to come in the room as he gripped and ungripped the sheets below him. “No no darling, eyes back on me…” Alastor’s thumb circled Lucifer’s cheekbone calmly. “…how about I help you out with the question? Hm?”
Lucifer’s ruby eyes landed on Alastor’s face once more. His breathing was slowing down. Though he still gasped and shuddered a few times in between. Alastor’s calming voice perked up again. “You seem pretty fond of the one you made that looks like your Charlotte, yes?”
Without breaking eye contact. Lucifer squeezed Alastor’s hand tighter. “Yes.”
“That’s right. Quite the attention to detail on that one.” Alastor smiled and let out a welcoming chuckle. “You are quite creative with those ridiculous things.”
Lucifer let out a shaky attempt at a laugh as he continued to try and breathe.
Alastor hummed as he watched the angel slowly be able to focus on the music that was playing, and finally even his breathing out to a manageable rhythm. “Feeling better, sweetheart?”
Lucifer’s exhale shuddered again, but he was definitely coming back down. “Yeah…”
Alastor climbed off of his partner and opted for laying back down and holding him instead.
They sat in silence for a few minutes. Alastor’s chest slowly rising and falling could be felt on the blond’s back. Lucifer mimicked the red head’s breathing pattern. The two of them breathing almost as one, until they finally got the smaller one’s breathing on track.
“Your Majesty?” Alastor’s comforting voice broke through the deafening silence. “Do you want to talk?”
Lucifer sighed deeply.
He hated talking about his feelings. Feelings and talking about them weren’t his strong suit….
Neither were actions…
He much preferred not doing anything and not talking if he could help it.
He tended to just get in trouble when he talked…or did anything.
But…he knew Alastor loved to talk.
Heavens, he couldn’t get Bambi to stop talking half the time.
Shit…he’d have to give in sooner or later wouldn’t he?
Maybe talking about it could help? Maybe it would make them go away? Keeping it to himself was not doing the trick, so try another tactic?
He inhaled and then whispered. “I hate it.”
“What do you hate, sire?”
Lucifer didn’t turn to meet the eyes behind him. He stared into the dark corners of their shared bedroom.
“I fucking hate-” He thought. “I hate that I need help with this.”
Alastor sat up slightly.
“I’m…fuck…I’m the King of Hell. A being older than earth.” Lucifer started again. “I thought that it would just go away after a while, or-or maybe after Lilith left, and I wasn’t having to question so much. Then I thought it would stop after you and I got…got together.”
Alastor held him tighter and once again put his hand in Lucifer’s. The redhead could feel the angel’s body start to tremble slightly again, but he didn’t speak. He didn’t have to right now. He just needed to listen. Sometimes Lucifer wasn’t looking for help or solutions. He just needed to know that someone was listening…that he was heard.
“Like, wh-what kind of ruler or-or father or partner can I be if I have these fucking problems every time something small happens to me?”
“Did something happen today?”
Silence.
He felt Lucifer nod and tremble again.
“Do you want to tell me?”
Silence.
Alastor heard a small stifled whimper and watched as his partner’s body caved once with a short exhale. Shit…Lucifer was crying again…or trying his best not to. It was breaking Alastor’s heart not to press further and figure out what was causing his boyfriend so much pain, but he also knew that if he acknowledged it, Lucifer might shut down completely. So he decided to just hold him closer and just let him handle it his way.
Choked breaths filled their room. Until a quiet voice spoke up. “I-” he stopped. Silence again.
The blond took a deep breath and started again. “A sinner died today.” Lucifer bit his lip to keep the tears in that once again threatened to fall. “In front of me. While I was coming home from a meeting. She was….she…asked-asked me to save her.”
“Darling…”
“I was so focused on getting back home cause I was-I was tired.” He scoffed, disgusted at himself. “I didn’t give her a second glance…but I remember…She…she had come to the hotel.” He inhaled shakily. “She was wanting to be redeemed. And I- I didn’t even look her direction at first because I was selfish and-and-and only saw a sinner.” He bit the word bitterly. “She died and I did nothing. She was wanting to-to be redeemed. Was trying to, and got hurt because of another sinner and…and she had called out to me. Asked me to save her. Asked specifically for an angel to save her.” He shuddered as he exhaled. “There is nothing fucking angelic about me left.” He spat, “She died… right there on a fucking sidewalk…and I-I froze. I just.. I froze.” Lucifer sat up and Alastor followed.
“Lucifer-”
“Charlie would never forgive me if she knew.” Lucifer buried his face in his tensed palms as his voice cracked on his daughter’s name. “She would hate me if she knew that I-I was the reason another sinner died.”
“That wasn’t your fault-”
“I just want these stupid attacks to stop, Al!” Lucifer breathed in again. “They make me feel-”
“Weak? Powerless?”
Lucifer didn’t look up. Instead, a tear finally fell as he dug his palms harder into his eyes and nodded so gently that anyone else would have missed it.
Alastor scooted up to the blond and lightly forced his hands away from his eyes. His angel wouldn’t look at him. He jerked his head to the side with his eyes closed and bit his lip harder to keep the tears contained. Alastor looked at how vulnerable Lucifer looked.
It didn’t matter how many times he saw it, the image of Lucifer hunched over and his usual pride replaced with a look of defeat, always inspired Alastor.
In every sense of the word…Lucifer was strong.
Carrying all of this….as long as he had?...Alone?
Yes…his partner was quite strong.
Being Lucifer Morningstar had to be hard. The angel, much like the Radio Demon himself, had a reputation that couldn’t be dropped. A performance- a show…that needed to always go on. Admitting to yourself that you needed help? And being able to accept that? That took strength that Alastor himself still didn't have.
Alastor let go of Lucifer’s wrists, cupped the blond’s face and guided him to face his direction.
“Lucifer.”
No response.
“Lucifer, will you please look at me?”
Damn that deer for being so kind to him…and persuasive... How could someone resist a request from him? He fooled everyone with his damning Radio Demon reputation. But when someone actually got to know him?....Saw how gentle and kind he could be?
Alastor deserved better than him.
Lucifer reluctantly opened his eyes and slowly brought them up to meet his boyfriend’s loving gaze.
“There you are.” Alastor smiled. He just looked in his eyes for a long moment. Examining every unique detail that made up the angel. “Lu, you are the strongest being that I know.” He smiled genuinely again. “Not just your magical abilities.” He chuckled. “Don’t for a second think that admitting you need help is something to be seen as weak. It takes the strongest kind of person to be able to say that.”
Lucifer scoffed a chuckle out.
“I’m so proud of you, Lucifer.” Alastor, still holding his partner’s face in his hands, leaned in and pressed his lips lightly to the blond’s cheek. “How about we get some sleep, hmm? I don’t want your cranky self bitching and moaning tomorrow because you didn’t get enough rest.” Alastor patted Lucifer’s cheek and laid back down. Seeming pretty proud of himself as he shimmied into the covers.
Tongue in cheek, Lucifer scoffed. “I do not ‘bitch and moan.’” He corrected as he laid back down, adjusting the covers to his liking. Once he was under them, two hands snaked their way around his waist and pulled him close.
Alastor nuzzled Lucifer’s blond locks as he held him to his chest. “Well, whatever you wish to call it. While bratty you is adorable and all-” the sinner yawned. “I don’t want to deal with it tomorrow.”
Lucifer let out a small, quiet and genuine laugh before lacing his fingers in between his boyfriend’s. “Thank you…”
“No need, sire.”
Alastor stayed awake until he heard soft snores coming from the angel in his arms. A content smile formed on his face. “Goodnight, Lucifer.” He whispered as he nuzzled closer; the natural warmth radiating from the devil’s body making all traces of the once cold night disappear.