Chapter Text
Five Years Later
The edge of the silk sheets slips off the backs of Caitlyn’s legs, pooling in a pale purple heap at the foot of the bed. The cold air, tinged with a dampness from the rain that pounded down outside the open window, made goosebumps rise on her arms and exposed shoulders.
If she had known it was going to rain, she would have made sure to shut the window earlier in the evening.
Letting her head drop to the surface of the pillow below, she pressed her brow against the cool silk that matched the sheets and shut her eyes tight. Her free hand, the one that was not currently tracing aimlessly against the inner thigh of the figure beneath her, clenched around the hem of the pillowcase.
“Caitlyn, please–” The girl with whom she had been tangled in the sheets before they fell away shivered beneath her, both hands reaching around to circle around Caitlyn’s back. Tossing her head back to move the sweat-dampened strands of hair out of her face, Caitlyn’s hand stilled against the warm skin of her companion. Then, without warning, she dug her nails into the girl’s thigh, eliciting a half-gasp, half-moan.
“Shut up,” she murmured between clenched teeth, dragging her fingers sharply down. Her free hand tightened around the pillowcase when the other girl twitched in anticipation, and she found herself considering whether or not it would be unnecessarily cruel to get up and say she had a headache, that they had better continue this tomorrow. That it was very nice, as it always was, it was a perfectly fine distraction when Caitlyn was bored, but her thoughts were a bit too distracted tonight for it to be a satisfactory experience for either of them.
The rain was growing louder outside. Caitlyn turned her head slightly, watching silvery droplets splatter against the sill.
You should have shut that fucking window.
Trying to focus, she lifted her head and stared down at the sea-grey eyes in the flushed face below her. She wondered why the usual methods of enjoying this particular experience would not come easily to her tonight – nothing was out of the ordinary, nothing had happened to so thoroughly drag her attention away from the warm body in her bed, clinging to her as their legs intertwined with one another in instinctive effort to stave off the increasing chill in the air.
The rain would not stop hitting the windowsill, and the late evening breeze would not stop its intrusion through the open pane, rustling the curtains and making Caitlyn’s skin crawl.
Ignore it.
She pulled her fingers up along the inside of the other girl’s leg, letting them drift to the side of her hipbone and press against the bruises she had left with her mouth only minutes prior. Shifting her legs to press closer to Caitlyn, the girl exhaled shakily, eyes practically glazed over with desire.
Caitlyn moved her other hand away from the corner of the pillow, lifting it to brush tangled bangs out of the girl’s face as she leaned her weight on her elbow. The movement forced her to relax against the other’s body, skin against skin, and she tried to let herself sink into oblivion, to get lost in the moment and each other and not think about that goddamn window and the rain that was pounding against the sill and most likely spilling in on the carpet, and she would have to clean it up after–
And she hated the sound of rain, she should have closed that stupid window and then maybe she could concentrate, for once...
A pair of hands clasped the side of her face, pulling Caitlyn and her attention into a kiss, which was quite nearly enough to divert her thoughts back to the present moment. The girl’s hands ghosted against her temples, then drifted down to the sides of her neck and shoulders before clinging to her upper arms. She lifted her hips to press closer to Caitlyn, who closed her eyes and allowed herself to think about nothing but kissing her, the rainfall in the background fading into a secondary point of focus.
For a moment, she allowed herself to imagine–
Don't.
The hands gripping her arms slipped away, and she felt the girl below her tremble, reveling in their closeness. Caitlyn pressed deeper into the kiss, forcing unwanted images from her mind. What was wrong with her tonight?
Thunder crackled outside and she tensed, her fingers tightening their grip in the other’s hair. The girl moaned against her mouth, and Caitlyn pulled harder, evoking a shudder from her that seemed to electrify her own body in their inescapable nearness.
She exhaled sharply. “Fuck, Vi–”
The words left her lips before she could stop them, or realize she had spoken them aloud. But then she felt the grip on her arms falter, and when she opened her eyes the pair that stared up at her from beneath disheveled ginger bangs were brimming with silent accusation.
Shit.
Caitlyn pulled away, detangling her hand from the other’s hair and falling onto her side. The cold air made her shoulder blades tighten, and she reached down to pull the discarded sheet up over both of them. The other girl rolled over to face away from her, tucking her hands under the side of her face. Caitlyn stared at the back of her head, wondering who she was supposed to be angry with right now.
Herself, of course. That was a given. It was abominable behavior on her part, and the only correct thing to do was to assume the blame.
But really, it was not her fault.
If her thoughts would be allowed to remain in control of themselves, and not be seized at the most vulnerable times by the memory of things – of people – she would rather forget, then things like this would not happen. And that was not her fault.
It wasn’t as if she wanted those thoughts to distract her so inconveniently.
“Maddie,” she said quietly, reaching out to lay her hand gently on the other girl’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. You know I didn’t mean it.”
“It’s fine.” The words were spoken in a tone that indicated the opposite. Caitlyn cringed.
“I’m just tired. Sometimes I get…”
“Mixed up?” Maddie pushed the sheet off when Caitlyn tried to lay it over her, sitting up and reaching for the wrinkled t-shirt that lay hanging halfway off the bed. “It’s okay, Cait. I know you weren’t really into it tonight anyway.”
“I was–” Caitlyn tried to protest, but Maddie cut her off, getting to her feet and pulling on the sweatpants she had borrowed from Caitlyn’s wardrobe once and conveniently forgotten to return.
“You don’t have to fake it for me.” She rounded the corner of the bed, coming to stand above Caitlyn. “I just thought, you know, when you say you want to hook up, that maybe you meant with me.”
“I did,” Caitlyn said lamely, sitting up and crossing her legs beneath the sheets. It was terribly cold in the bedroom, and she pulled her arms around her chest, trying not to shiver. “I do. Really, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” Apologies did not come naturally to her, and it was unpleasant at best to speak the words aloud.
“Which is something you said last time.” Maddie gave her a wry half-smile, reaching for her phone on the nightstand. “Anyway, I have to work a double tomorrow. I shouldn’t have stayed over this late to begin with.”
“Are we still going to Jayce’s party tomorrow night?” Caitlyn asked, hating the edge of desperation in her tone. Maddie looked up from her phone, an increasingly irate expression on her face.
“You still want me to come?”
“Yes. I mean, if you–”
“Probably,” Maddie shrugged, slipping her phone into her pocket and pulling on her shoes. “I’ll text you. You could use the opportunity to make it up to me.”
“I will,” Caitlyn said quickly, watching as the other girl picked up her jean jacket from the back of the armchair in the corner of the room and draped it over her shoulder. “Does a party, an early escape before anyone gets too drunk, and a nice dinner and evening together here sound amenable to you?”
“It’s a good offer.” Maddie started toward the bedroom door, then paused. Her fingers rested on the handle as she glanced over her shoulder at Caitlyn. “Are you ever gonna tell me about her?”
“Who?” Caitlyn asked automatically, a bitter taste rising in her throat when she registered the words.
“You know.” Maddie shook her head, pulling the door open. “Vi. Whoever she is.”
Caitlyn was powerless against the tension that seized her body. Trying to keep her tone from veering into something harsh, she turned her gaze to the open window, watching the sheets of rain pouring down outside. “It isn’t anyone. Nobody important.”
“That’s hard to believe.”
“It’s true.” Caitlyn lifted her chin, turning back to the other girl. “Do you want me to order you an Uber?”
“Already did.” Maddie patted the outline of her phone inside her pocket. “Thanks anyway.” Her tone was clipped, and Caitlyn felt a little bit as if maybe that part was her fault.
It’s fine. She’ll be back anyway.
“Tomorrow?”
“I’ll text you,” Maddie said again, and then she was gone. Caitlyn listened to her footsteps retreating down the stairs of the townhouse, then the quiet shutting of the front door shortly after.
Fuck.
Pressing the palm of one hand, still warm and damp with sweat, to her forehead, Caitlyn climbed out of bed and slammed the window shut. Her fingers touched the raindrops that had pooled on the sill, and she brushed the water off on the side of her bare thigh as she rested her forehead against the cold glass.
Headlights pulled up around the side of the building a few minutes later, and she heard the shutting of a car door before the engine revved softly and the lights disappeared. Caitlyn turned and crawled back into bed, pulling the sheets up to her chin. She stared at the ceiling, studying the patterns in the paint strokes.
The empty place on the bed beside her was still warm, and she inched over until she was laying where Maddie had been mere moments before, curling up on her side and wrapping her arms around her knees. The room was too silent now, the rain muted from behind the closed window.
Caitlyn shut her eyes, trying to ignore the acrid taste in her mouth that the unexpected words that had spilled from it left in their wake. She did not want to think about it. She never did…there was nothing there worth wasting her thoughts upon.
She had done a rather effective job over the past five years to keep the memories at bay. It was ridiculous whenever they resurfaced, like a swarm of pesky fruit flies whose place of origin she could never quite discover. It was especially irritating at those times when she was unable to pinpoint what had caused such unpleasant thoughts to emerge in her consciousness…a puzzle she did not value enough to try to put together.
It was fine, anyhow. She would forget about this in the morning, and Maddie would most likely have forgiven her by then. If she hadn’t…well, that was fine, too.
It was all fine, and that was all.
Caitlyn squeezed her eyes shut on instinct, afraid that tears would begin to form as they sometimes - very annoyingly - did. But fortunately, there was no danger of that tonight. There was nothing to feel beyond a vague regret, and the anger that she could never fully repress when it rose to the surface on occasions like this.
But it was fine. It was too late in the evening to be angry right now.
She let out a breath that had been pressing against her ribs, and forced her body to relax. Her phone vibrated on the nightstand and she leaned over to grab it, scanning the text notification that appeared at the top of the lock screen.
"I'll come with you tomorrow. But just to the party."
It was better than nothing. Besides, Caitlyn was fairly certain that Maddie would cave anyway. She usually did, with little to no convincing on Caitlyn's part. She was convenient like that.
Tossing the phone to the side, Caitlyn shut her eyes once again. The room was still cold, but without the intruding breeze it was slowly beginning to return to a less frigid degree.
Outside, the rain continued to pour.