Work Text:
“He did touch our mom, alright.”
The air was thick with tension despite the attempt to laugh it off, specks of dust whirring around and sparkling under the weak LED lights in the recently disturbed space that was previously left perfectly untouched without a single man coming inside for heavens know how long. Just like Kyle and that shit on his face.
All of them let the moment sink in for a little bit longer, unsure of how to process this discovery that their designated mom friend just got sexually assaulted by a... ghost? Poltergeist? Incubus? The classification of this phenomenon wasn't entirely clear. In the meantine, Butters zoomed in on Kyle's face upon which plenty evidence of the supernatural trickled down in some thick streaks. Dicksper must have been bricked up for a while by the looks of it.
"Cut the camera." Kyle finally broke the awkward silence as his eyes set on the obviously mindblown cameraman who clearly couldn't get a crisp shot anyway, considering how his hands were shaking in fear. His only response to that were some mutters about the confirmation of life after death and eternal damnation as he lowered the camera from his face.
"Shit, I mean..." Stan started with the obvious. "Are you alright, dude?"
"I'm fine, his dick wasn't that big. In fact, it felt kind of small." Now what the fuck did he mean by 'that' big? Eric seemed somewhat satisfied by such a judgement, although it wasn't enough to distract him from the obvious.
"You wanna do a rape kit or something?" Kenny suggested, albeit unsure of the fucking point.
"On glowing nut?" Kyle gestured wildly and put on a tone too mockful for someone who just experienced a literal mindfuck - mouthfuck? "Good evening, officer. May I file a police report on a dead guy whose vengeful spirit shrimp raped my mouth? I have evidence, I swear. It's this glowstick liquid looking ectoplasm. You see, it's actually ghost jizz. I know because I made sure to taste it to confirm. I mean, truly, what are they going to do? Put handcuffs on him? Lock him up?"
"Yeah, good point."
"Maybe put him on haunt arrest." Stan interjected.
"Good one."
"Again, how the fuck do you know what cum tastes like?" Eric repeated his question.
"I'll tell you later." Kyle finally looked at him, like he had to earn his attention. Being on his knees in front of Eric with witnesses wasn't really it though, so he shifted himself to sit back on his ass with one knee up and resting his arm on it in a casual enough way to order him around. At least the PVC suit hanging off his torso was good for something here. "Wipe it off for me."
"Can't you do it yourself?" He bitched on as per the programming in his brain, but it didn't slow him down from taking out some wipes and getting that nasty shit off Kyle's pretty face. "You know, if you really wanted to lick up jizz, I'd have happily obliged."
Preferably into a dog bowl.
"Oh, I'm sure you would have." Kyle agreed, humoring his frustration.
"Me too." Kenny added, raising his hand like this was a classroom and he really wanted to be picked.
"I don't doubt it, Ken." There was something funny about the whole situation, maybe it was the sheer absurdity of it. He couldn't find it in himself to be traumatized by it, not when he had the displeasure with an invisible one-pump chump. No, seriously. He didn't even count ten seconds. It was kind of embarrassing. He felt bad for him, more than for himself. Imagine being a repressed gooner for decades and then suffering performance anxiety through your first haunting.
"Now you're going to get ghost AIDS." Eric started rambling as he threw the unnaturally glowing cum-stained tissues into the corner of the bathroom and yanked Stan's flask from his hand. He knew damn well the shit in that was at least 60%, so he soaked another tissue in it and wiped that all over Kyle's face as well. Kyle scrunched his nose up in how the fumes stung his eyes, but he didn't protest at all. Eric knew him well enough to know he needed to feel clean. "It's like regular AIDS, just more mysterious."
He laughed at that, though he didn't dare open his eyes just yet even as Eric's wiping got more aggressive.
"You should know that that's not how AIDS works. You get infected with HIV first."
"Well, it's ghost AIDS, Kyle. Maybe it will skip the virus phase and go straight to AIDS. That's what makes it so mysterious."
"Well, if you're right then I got a really bad deal. For mystery AIDS, I would have expected to at least be lifted into the air, Full Nelson and helplessly stretched out for at minimun an hour until it leaked out of my hole like Sam and Dean's mom leaked blood from the ceiling."
"First of all, that's fucked up. Secondly, I'll compensate you in a green suit and we can edit me out afterwards to really get quality content." His voice was a bit bitter, a bit desperate. It was kind of cute in a way that he could never acknowledge or Eric would take advantage of it. The same way he took advantage of every vulnerability anyone ever showed him.
"You're just jealous at the possibility of someone else infecting me with an STD. You want to be my only one so badly." At last, he finally opened his eyes and stared right into Eric's. Although his face didn't really show it, he was smirking on the inside, clearly amused by this whole ordeal. Maybe it was because he was a slut. Left high and dry.
"No shit." Eric leaned forward, leaving his next words as a whisper. "Nobody else gets my birthright to torture you."
"You said nobody." He whispered back. "That guy didn't have a body."
"Leave it up to a jew to find a loophole." It took all the restraint he could muster up, just to express his clear jealousy as a threat only. "I'm going to fuck your feet so hard it'll be like a well deserved massage after all that running around the hospital. You're going to be in heaven."
Could that be considered a threat?
"I can't wait." It was impossible not to notice Eric's eyes dropping down to his exposed chest, courtesy of a fellow degenerate, then immediately shooting back up into eye contact so intense it'd put an autist to shame.
"Do your tits hurt too, by any chance?"
"They're fine, thank you."
"They look like they hurt. Full and heavy. Put some milk into my morning coffee."
"I'm neither a cow nor pregnant, Cartman."
"For now."
And as Eric kept staring and waiting for the answer to change out of nothing but sheer willpower, their little exchange was finally interrupted by the only man brave enough to cockblock him because it wouldn't fucking matter if he died for it a few times.
"Butters, start the camera back up." Kenny's voice was the knife that could cut through tense butter, or whatever the saying was. "I think they're going to fuck. We need to capture this while they're in their natural habitat and don't know we're here yet."
As Kenny's voice faded into a whisper of a nature document commentary, Butters genuinely fumbled with the camera in an honest effort to be good at his job but Kyle made a disgusted face at them. Which was funny, considering he wasn't making that same face at Eric's outrageous sexual workplace harrassment. It was enough to almost drop that unnecesarily expensive piece of filming equipment too. I mean, seriously, this was a clickbait video, not a found footage production.
"Gross."
"This place or Cartman?" That question was left answered only by a roll of the eyes as Kyle decided enough was enough and he got back up on his feet, careful not to touch anything that would make him spiral into mindlessly scrubbing his hands raw. Instead, he held onto Eric's bicep for support. Not much would make a man that big fall over. Except maybe a 5'3 twink with intention. The intention wasn't there right now, clearly.
"Let's get the fuck out of here."
"B-But fellas, weren't we supposed to spend the whole night...?" Butters asked so earnestly, although he seemed like he wanted to be out of this health code violation the most out of anyone else. At least judging by the way he speedwalked ahead of them all without even waiting for his question to be answered.
"Yeah, don't you want to stick around for round two?" Kenny gestured to an empty corner of the bathroom, presumably meaning to point at their soft-dicked ghost friend.
"Not much to stick around for."
"Yeah? And why do you look so happy about that?" He continued to tease as Eric averted his eyes but couldn't wipe the smirk off his face regardless. "What are you gonna do about a busted partnership?"
"Who says it's busted?" His grin grew wider. "I'll just cut it short and then add a dramatic monologue section from my dimly lit bedroom to narrate over our harrowing experience so I can make the video long enough for several ads. Besides, at least now I still have time to stream and get donos from people poorer than me to contribute to my future mansion that I'm going to fill with hot bitches desperate for clout."
"Huh. You truly are a swindler."
"I prefer the term hustler."
"You're going to do another low effort stream?" The question was posed with interest, although somehow Kyle always had a way of insulting Eric with anything that left his mouth. Maybe it was that tone of his, trained throughout the years to sound as condescending as possible just to spit on him. Not like Eric would mind being spat on, he'd even open his mouth to it.
"Well, yeah. I think getting physical proof that ghosts are real was enough effort for one day, Scooby-Doo gang." Eric stretched out as they made it out into the fresh air and watched Kyle bend over to pull the PVC suit off himself fully and as his shirt rode up, he noticed something new on his lower back. "When did you get a tramp stamp and can you add my name to it?"
"A couple weeks ago and no. Which reminds me, I can start doing my regular workouts again." So that's why he's been so pissy lately. Well, pissier than usual. It was one of those abstract styles that really was just tribal. Neo-tribal, they called it. New meant it wasn't lame and for old people. It looked nice. Eric guessed it must have looked even nicer hitting it from the back. "Will you react to some true crime? It helps me wind down."
"Whatever gets you horny."
"You're not going straight home?" Stan asked.
"Nah, I need an actual break before my mom starts interrogating me about everything going on in my life." When did Kyle start considering being around Eric a break anyway?
"Yeah." Cartman nodded in agreement, as he started up the car, clearly in a hurry to get rid of everyone else so he could get on with his grind. Time was money. Besides Kyle, of course, whose thigh he menacingly squeezed just because he could reach it. Probably shouldn't have picked the passenger seat. "It's because your mom's a big, fat bitch."
"And yours is a neglectful narcissist, which is why I'm staying over."
"Touché, Kyle."
There was something odd about the energy whenever the two of them were together. It wasn't necessarily the ear numbing irritation like nails on a chalkboard, that was a part of their relationship for as long as any of them could remember. Nothing changed in that regard. It wasn't the outrageous flirting either because that wasn't new at all. Eric had a way of getting under Kyle's skin in whichever way was humanly possible for him to do so and as his better part, Kyle eventually started mirroring him. They were pretty much created for each other with an obsession in their hearts that translated into hatred. Wouldn't anyone grow spiteful if they were cursed with an obsession so deep?
Rather, there were hints of softness in Kyle's voice that slipped through his guard much more frequently nowadays. Not like when they were kids and that same softness was accompanied by pity. In the same way, Eric's expression seemed to break off that mask of indifference bit by bit into something akin to panic, whenever his attention shifted to something, or someone else. It was almost like he'd be happiest if Kyle never looked away from him. When did all of this start? Kenny supposed it must have been around the time they all left for college. Maybe not being around each other all the time struck a fear that either of them was replaceable. Maybe they both realized the other was irreplaceable. Those were things only the two of them knew though and neither of them were ever much for sharing. Whether it be their secrets, or each other.
So instead of conspiring against his two friends with someone who was all too oblivious to notice or someone who was too drunk to notice all the time, Kenny just waited at his laptop for the stream to start. Eric did pay him a few bucks for modding, which really only entailed banning the poor motherfuckers he said to ban. Most of them for ridiculous reasons.
Hey, whatever.
Watching Kyle was always fascinating to him even when it was through his webcam ready to go, but so far only used as a mirror to reflect the shape of a body kept in too good condition through nothing but sheer stubborness and the need to burn energy in ways that didn't involve hitting Eric in the face. He wasn't nearby most of the time after all. Kyle moved around the childhood bedroom as if it were his own and it might as well have been, the way he belonged. Footsteps confident and hands sure that they'd find what they were looking for wherever they pulled open a drawer. Knew where exactly to hang up the microfiber towel he used to dry his hair without Eric bitching about it. Knew exactly which of Eric's graphic tees he only ever wore to bed now as the prints faded and which one of his boxers wouldn't fall off his ass because they were old enough to fit him instead. Not like it mattered if they fell down, the shirts he stole usually covered him down to about the middle of his thighs, the defined muscles peeking out and shown off on smooth, lotioned skin. If he ever were to go, he hoped it'd be via those thighs crushing his skull.
Naturally, Kyle was very much aware that only because Eric's back was turned, it didn't mean that he was being a gentleman and letting him dress in privacy. He had grown acutely aware, yet used to the predatory stalking throughout their... whatever this could be called.
"Did you take a screenshot?"
"Shit, I should have." Looks like he was too busy staring to make it last longer. "You wanna bend over and pull them down?"
"You might as well just take a photo at that point." He stretched out, neck cracking in a loud pop. He must have been pretty stiff, not like he had much time to relax between taking care of his body and patients and the seemingly endless textbooks he had to stare into and will the information into a part of his brain that wouldn't scrap it the next day. With that much effort, he wasn't sure why Kyle didn't just go balls deep into medicine with a degree that would earn more. Maybe he thought he would burn out faster if he was limited to diagnosing and passing on bad news instead of simply taking care of the sick and being a source of comfort.
"Are you tired? I don't have to stream tonight."
"I feel pretty refreshed, actually. I felt kind of neglected, but being assaulted made me think - wow, I'm still desirable."
"Seriously?" Eric's face soured, reigniting the little pang in his chest that sometimes appeared whenever he saw others interested in him. "You should have said something, I could have raped you many times over."
"Well, it's not really uncontrollable desire if I ask for it, is it now?"
"Okay, you'll never see me coming." Eric turned around in his gaming chair and patted his lap. "Come pick your sex fantasy about how to murder me in a satisfying enough way to do life in prison."
"Sometimes I fantasize about you coming back to life every morning so I can kill you again in a different way." Oh, to be Kenny with his ability to please this bitch in heat.
"Yeah?" Eric smiled, finally the attention was on him only as he looked up into those doe eyes once he was stradled and felt his hands wrap around his neck, too small to close. He put his own hand around Kyle's waist to secure him from possibly falling off or rather escaping him. Sometimes his gentleness came as naturally as fucking with him, so he went live with the click of a button. "What's your favorite one?"
"I think quite often about strangling you just like this so I can watch the light slowly fade from your eyes." His thumb pushed against the artery just lightly enough to turn him on and turn him lightly red instead of blue, faces close enough to taste each other, ravage each other--
"And that's what we will be watching today - Top 10 Times People Survived Being Strangled. Lock in, chat." Kyle had to physically restrain himself from hiding his whole face in something like embarrassment and letting out a pissy sound that'd be hard to explain, so instead he just pressed his face against Eric's and looked into the camera with a smile.
This was totally the intro, not them about to fuck crazy just now.
He felt like a voyeur.
That man could be fully covered up in loose clothes, long sleeves and his eyes would still wander across that body looking for imprints in tighter places of the fabrics. He could be talking to a bunch of people, his words holding back from what he really thought and yet he knew all of the little meanings behind them through nothing but tone and the little crease in between his brows that couldn't be helped when he got annoyed just a little too much. He could be smirking at his screen whenever he was teased through messages, private or public, vulgar in their anonymity and yet whatever they ever imagined out loud or begged for, they couldn't ever wish upon what he wasn't already granted.
He was the perverted ghost in the background of Eric's room, watching the messages in his chatroom pass by almost too quick to read. Hours passed by and interest didn't fade even after they've gone through videos to react to and he lied down on the bed instead as Eric kept up a more casual conversation. Why wouldn't he? The donations still kept coming and it seemed as though whenever one person said goodnight, someone else in a different timezone appeared. He had a way of pleasing people with his words. It was all bullshit, but it was still charming enough to want to believe him. His voice was easy to listen to, deep and just slightly hoarse from talking too much and lighting up a cigarette from an old and crumpled pack that never seemed to run out. It sounded a lot more soothing in person than through a screen even with quality equipment and headphones. It probably didn't even pick up the way Eric said just a single word slightly quieter than the rest as he rolled over onto his stomach and raised his naked legs up in the air. It was casual enough to not be noticed by anyone else and yet Eric moved in his chair to block the view.
'Get out the fucking way bro, I'm trying to put this on WikiFeet.' Eric read the message out loud. Maybe he underestimated the dedicated fetishists. "I've been told you have to pay extra for that."
Kyman4Lyfe: 'How much for pissing in my mouth?'
"I guess it depends on how concentrated you want it, dude." It was his own fault for goonbaiting his audience with Kyle's existence. He pondered whether he should have just stuck with making videos only, in general, but especially today as he brought his hands up to his face and tried to rub the bewilderment off as a $5 donation was read by that default robot voice.
'Were you jerking off with one hand until now? Be honest.'
"For three hours?"
Then like salvation, he felt Kyle's hand on top of his thigh as he leaned into his space. He didn't even notice him get up as he was too caught up in what could nowadays be considered his work. He must have been tired, he was already live longer than he planned to begin with and Kyle surely wanted some peace and quiet even if he wasn't going to fall asleep right away. Instinctually, he placed his hand on the back his neck, fingers running up into curls to soothe. Yeah, he should just end it here--
At least that's what he thought until he watched Kyle mute the mic and turn his face towards him, whispering something that didn't need to be whispered in the stream gravely silent and all that was left to read were his lips and Eric's eyes widening into a sudden panic. Whatever was said, it must have been important and couldn't wait, because almost immediately Eric unmuted only to abruptly stop the stream.
"Gotta go, guys. Goodnight."
Black, just like that.
Well, that was weird. The viewers were slower to disperse this time around, with some leaving confused messages and discussing the possible cause. Was someone dead? Kenny touched his chest, confirming he was still alive. Hold on, Eric wouldn't really give a fuck about that. Was someone else dead? All in all, it took not even ten seconds for the stream turn back on, but something was odd. Eric and Kyle were already by the bed. There was no way he could have turned it back on from all the way over there unless there was a magic wand in his pocket and definitely not with Kyle guiding him by his hand and... pushing him down onto the bed? Wait, what?
Eric took his own shirt off before he lied down on his back with a knowing smile as someone clearly couldn't wait any longer. Kyle wasted no time pulling his underwear off and leaving it on the floor only to climb up on top of the bed, on top of him, the oversized shirt keeping him decent but his shameless actions rather uncharacteristic to the stuck up and bitchy persona he put up in front of a bunch of online strangers if only to humor Eric and benefit a bit from it too. Hey, it made his own following grow and who knows? Maybe he could make use of it one day. Right now though, the only thing he wanted to make use of was not so hidden anymore by some grey sweatpants. He doubted that was the magic wand, those weren't usually that thick. It's like Eric got hard on command and somehow he was still the one looking oh so self-satisfied being bossed around like that. As his sweatpants were pulled down, it just sprung out and there he was, dick out for his whole audience to see. Some may have dreamed of this day. The view count shot back up and more frustratingly, it kept climbing over his usual number.
Fuck, he really didn't know.
Why was this motherfucker's phone always on mute? When he couldn't reach Eric, he tried Kyle instead, but his phone failed to light up on the bed. Did it die? He was just scrolling on it a few minutes ago before he left it there. For a second, a spark of hope ignited as he thought it went through Kyle's watch instead. He looked at it, however he just seemed to click something on it and move on. Did he just make sure to have this logged as a workout?
His movements lacked a certain shyness that would be expected from someone hooking up with another person for the first time. Rather, he grabbed Eric's dick as if he knew it, owned it. Familiarity was the right word for how he stradled him, one hand on his chest, the other keeping it in place as he slowly sank down on it. His mouth flew open in a soft moan, all while he never looked away from Eric's gaze that drank it all in, a small gasp escaping even him. It must have been fully inside when he braced himself against Eric's chest with his other hand as well, his expression telling all about satiation, yet gluttonous for more at the same time. They stayed like that a little bit while something was mouthed, too low and too far away from the microphone to pick up, Eric's fingers stroking over his thighs in the same manner he sometimes touched him casually, publicly.
Kenny couldn't have reported the stream fast enough.
He felt like a voyeur, but as far as public indecency went, things could have been worse. Eric wasn't the first one to suffer a scandal like this. There were instances of accidental flashing or streamers getting too drunk and purposefully flashing themselves to the camera or some even being caught masturbating when they didn't notice they didn't actually end the stream. Sure, they were quite literally having sex on camera right now and Eric's dick was on full view, but he could get over that. It's just that his situation was the weirdest one. On the other hand, the one who couldn't get over this was Kyle. He might even be arrested for attempted murder after this blows up in his face and the only reason it wouldn't be a first degree murder charge was because even in his publicly streamed demise, Eric was his saving grace. That shirt hid everything.
At the very least until Kyle pulled it up and held it up between his teeth. Then, he positioned himself into a squat, his arms leaning back onto Eric's thighs and his own legs opening up into a full frontal shot. Everything was bare and smooth and his own dick was just as hard as the one stretching him out for all to see, leaking without touch, his chest moving up and down erratically with his racing heart and fuck me eyes. That sight would make a porn director proud.
His legs were pure muscle from that angle and the way he started bouncing on Eric left the impression that this was how he got them. Sweat running down his tits just as full as he was, his brows furrowing up and his eyes seeking approval from the same man he would yell at, hit, scold, brush off and tell to fuck himself as he couldn't stop fucking him behind closed doors. He was subdued by him privately, softness and vulnerability on display. Too bad there was a peephole. There was something about the way he watched Eric, like it was more about pleasing him than pleasing himself. Like he reveled in the way he moaned for him. Maybe if his gaze ever wandered off of him, he would have noticed the computer screen and the chat flooding with messages. No, instead he just kept slamming his hips down hard enough to see the outline of Eric's cock bulging his stomach out, accentuated hy a faint bruise to the left of it. Sometimes he still bruised when he injected insulin, but to anyone else it would have looked like Eric beat him from the inside. It looked ridiculous inside of him, with the low body fat percentage and how small he was in comparison.
'I always knew they were a thing.'
'Can't anybody let them know this is happening?'
'Put him on suicide watch after this.'
'I'd kill myself if this happened to me.'
'I want his workout routine for my girlfriend.'
'And is the cock necessary for this exercise?'
'Are admins jacking off to this?'
To them nobody else existed in that room and for good reason. It went on endlessly, Kyle's stamina seemed to be his strong suit but even his hips started to slow at moments, muscles twitching and just trying to hit it deep and fast, more desperate with each thrust and each passing minute to feel it through the burn and his torn to shred muscles. It hurt like hell, but he forced himself through it like he forced himself through one more rep, then one more, then one more as he fell backwards with Eric's knees shooting up to support his back while he rolled his hips on him through the feeling of being filled up deep and following with his own orgasm. There were tears in his eyes and the shirt in his mouth that did little to muffle his moan at the end was soaked in drool. He stayed there, all muscles paralyzed and struggling to even open his mouth or relax his hands which dug into Eric's stomach hard enough to leave marks. His skin was burning with electricity shooting through his veins.
A few breaths, a few droplets of sweat running down that glistening body and falling onto his own and Eric pulled him forward onto his chest as he drew circles along his back with one hand and cupped his cheek with the other. Finally, he seemed to breathe out that tension in his body. His head was close enough to place a kiss and even though Kyle couldn't form any words that wouldn't come out slurred yet, he lifted himself up and scooched forward like he was about to kiss him back, but something flashed in the background. So he looked for it, naively, and Eric followed his deer in the headlights gaze to the source of something which he couldn't even come up with in his own paranoid delusions. His expression turned into one of raw, unedited horror far beyond haunted hotels and whatever he could act out for content.
"Fuck."
It was only then that the stream was shut down by staff.
This wasn't the post-nut clarity anyone wanted. Kyle was back in that big shirt hiding his shame in his hands, probably believing that if he couldn't see it, it'd just go away. Eric on the other hand tried to understand what happened as he wiped the cum off his own stomach with his designated cum-wiping toilet paper that he kept by his computer. However, all he could find was a bunch of missed calls and messages from Kenny who really did try to save his ass, or more accurately Kyle's ass. It didn't take very long to get out of control, as their little mishap started trending on socials at the speed of light and for some reason was more interesting to talk about than whatever other horrible thing was going on in the world. Priorities. Eric let out a little sigh as he leaned back into his chair once he saw clips of them appearing on forums and someone linking the full recording of it to a porn site. 36 minutes and 18 seconds. That must have been a lot of burned calories. He clicked download on the shady, probably malware infested website.
"The internet never forgets, huh? Well, at least my cock looks huge when it's inside you." The response to that was an unintelligible shriek, but at least he opened his eyes. Albeit they were painted in what could only be described as impending doom. "Kyle, you're not the only person to show hole online. Plenty of people make a honest living doing that. You might be the first to qualify for hoelympics though, that was very impressive."
"Yeah! They can't make a living any other way anymore! Nobody will hire me as a nurse now."
"You're being dramatic, nurses are already considered to be huge sluts. Have you ever walked down a Halloween costume aisle?" He really tried to be reassuring, but his general demeanor was more irritating than it usually would have been.
"I don't want to be viewed as a slut, Cartman." He said too quietly to hear. How could he be a slut if he only ever had sex with one man? Or maybe it was the fact that he only ever had sex with Eric that made him into a slut.
"Hey, we could even use this as a golden ticket into becoming millionaires and launch an OF, then you wouldn't even need to work." It was a valid suggestion. Unfortunately, it was met by Eric's nightstand lamp just barely misssing his head before Kyle continued to pace the room agitated. "Okay, I get it. I'll take care of it."
"How do you take care of something like that?"
"A good lawyer."
Eric dialed some saved contact on his phone and it barely rang once before it connected to a familiar voice resounding on speaker, kinda cutting off at times as he yelled at the phone. Something about both of them immediately coming into his office. He couldn't really make out the rest of it before the call was cut off and Kyle was left standing there with his hands crossed and a genuinely scared expression.
"Why is my dad your lawyer?"
"Well, because he's jewish, Kyle." His voice soft and matter-of-fact.
The mood went to absolute shit and Kyle wouldn't even look up from the floor as they walked to his house which was precisely the last thing he wanted to do tonight. Fuck, what did he do wrong? Did he missclick something as he was getting up and just didn't notice? Did he click on some suspicious link before? It made no sense to expose him like this, he should be getting blackmailed instead and it would have worked too, he would have paid up. Either way, it's not like he ever explicitly denied liking guys so this felt less like exposing him for his sexuality and more like humiliating Kyle for whatever reason. Those thoughts faded into a single one as he opened the office door and it was that he's never seen Kyle's dad that red in the face before. Immediately, he came face to face with rage aimed directly at... not him. He glared right through him, as if he had x-ray vision and knew exactly where Kyle's eyes were looking for a way out of here, even if he had to will himself into nonexistence. He ended up moving to the side enough to be seen and scolded, but he stayed a step behind Eric as if he were a protective barrier.
"Alright, alright. I'm sorry for fucking your son in front of fifteen thousand people, Mr. Broflovski. It won't happen again. The audience part, I mean." And protective he was, in his own way that came with a dragged out disregard in his voice and his eyes rolling away like every other time when he totally didn't mean what he was saying.
"When I found out we were expecting a son, I didn't think I was getting a thot daughter!" Finally came the valid crash out, though Eric's fault in this was completely ignored. "I was working late doing... shit you wouldn't understand when Ike suddenly screamed and fainted! You're lucky your mother takes those sleeping pills with wine or she would have woken up and had a heart attack. Do you want to kill your mother?!"
"No..."
Grown ass man, by the way. He had always been a bit too avoidant when it came to his parents, never really getting the courage to stand up to them properly. Though usually it was his mother freaking out over nothing burgers, not his dad so this was fairly new. Still, he could punch his father unconscious if he really wanted to. Though maybe it was a good thing that he was too timid to be his usual aggressive self right now, they still needed him to clean up their mess. The gay thing would probably blow over, if not at least his father would have a good enough reason to make sure all traces of this incident would be wiped off the internet forever and hey, this was a pretty unique way of coming out.
"I can't believe my son is a bottom!"
"What?" Eric asked as Gerald went to sit back down at his desk, head in his hands and genuinely distraught. "Is he fucking serious?"
"If you're going to be a faggot, why can't you at least be on the top like a real man?"
"I'm pretty sure he is a man. I fucked him, I'd know." He got an elbow into his rib for that one. Horribly aimed aggression in this discussion. Still, he tried to get that old ass to get his shit together to get to the actual point of the issue. "I mean honestly, Mr. Broflovski, can you imagine Kyle fucking me in the ass? That shit sounds ridiculous."
Gerald looked up from his hands, tears in his eyes from the upsetting realization of his son's sexual preferences which definitely meant he was less of a man in a societal position, a few thousand years ago at least. He looked between the two, as if he really thought about Eric's question and sniffled before answering.
"I guess not." He looked down, still kind of saddened as if it fucking mattered. "Son, why couldn't you have found a nice, gentle boy instead? Like that Stotch boy?"
Kyle started to look more and more irritated as he stood there still frozen with his hands crossed and his eyes looking anywhere but at his father. What the fuck was he supposed to answer to that? That he was attracted to Eric, not nice, gentle boys? That he liked taking Eric's dick? That it drove him crazy that no matter how hard he tried to become enough of a man, Eric could still pin him down and take him if he just decided to and there was nothing in the world he could do to stop him? That he wanted Eric to treat him mean because it turned him on as much as when he was obedient? Maybe honesty wasn't the best policy, but maybe he could sugarcoat it just a little bit if it could help diffuse the situation.
"I don't like him, dad. I like Eric." As if on cue, Eric turned to the side, mouth open in shock and finger pointing at himself in theatrical silence to which Kyle only rolled his eyes rather aggressively.
"I guess we can't choose who we love..." He stood up dramatically, hands behind his back as he looked out the window and towards the moon. "I understand. It was similar for your mother and I. You take after her a lot."
Yeah, in the way that his mother was borderline dwarf sized and he came out 5'3 with a dumpy and all the redhead stereotypes to match. A firecracker to which the explosion was a 50/50 between battery or an orgasm. Sometimes both at the same time. She must have been a baddie back in the day too.
"Hey, not all hope is lost. You still have Ike and he's much taller. I'm pretty sure he's straight too, disaster doesn't tend to strike twice in the same place." Eric comforted him, patting his back and looking back at Kyle while mouthing a silent 'what the fuck' and getting a bewildered shrug in return.
"I suppose that's true. My bloodline may be doomed but my name will go on."
"That's the right attitude."
"How long have you boys been in a relationship?"
"Uh, we--" Kyle tried to interject but stopped himself at Eric signaling him to stop, hand swiping across his own neck. Yeah, maybe it was a better idea to just soften the blow with saying they're dating since Eric had a lot more to lose by getting on Gerald's bad side. "About three years. Pretty much since we left for college."
It wasn't completely untrue, he wasn't fucking anybody else though he wasn't sure it was the same for Eric. Maybe he just teased him when he said he used a condom with anyone else so he could finish inside him every time they hooked up. Maybe he was serious. It was hard to tell with him. Maybe he was even lying about using condoms but somehow that intrigue made it so much hotter. It was hard to tell with him. The only thing he was certain of was that deep down he really liked the idea of being ruined by Eric Cartman. Even now as their video made rounds there were parts of him that were horrified and a little part of him that was excited, he just couldn't quite figure out why. Still, he wished it wasn't such a consequence driven and visual way. The embarrassment mostly came from his body being out there for anyone to see, rather than being embarrassed that it was with Eric.
"Now, what exactly happened? I don't suppose you would have risked your career on purpose."
"Nah, I'm pretty sure I didn't hit anything while getting up and it seems to have turned on when I was already away from the desk anyway. I didn't find any malware or shit like that either. It's like a ghost turned it on. The thing that bothers me though is that we were mass reported within the first minutes but it took over half an hour for the shutdown to come through. It shouldn't have taken that long."
"Over half an hour?" He looked at Kyle who nearly flinched as he was addressed. He was already clocking out of the conversation to overthink. "No wonder you like him."
"Dad, can you have it removed? Like, from everywhere?" He either didn't hear that comment or willfully ignored it.
"I'll have my team copyright striking it down wherever it appears for the near future. I will also look into a civil lawsuit, if what you're saying is true and there was a technical error at fault then you could get some money out of them."
"Thank you." Kyle said softly but was very quick to get out of there. It went better than expected, but it must have been suffocating for him to be there and just take the insults and the disaapointment because he didn't really have another choice but to depend on his father.
"Now, Eric."
"Yeah?"
"You have my blessing."
"No shit? That's crazy." Eric turned around one more time on his way out as Gerald was already starting on the damage control. "Do you think you could force him into marrying me?"
"He's an adult. You'll have to beg him on your own. From personal experience, groveling on the floor helps."
"Got it, thanks."
Snowflakes falling from the stars hit his arms as he stepped out of the house and nearly fell over his partner in victimhood who was sitting on the cold stairs and sulking while he scrolled through what looked like an endless stream of follow requests. Probably should have privated it sooner, there were already pathetic incels under his photos both begging for just one chance and insulting him.
"I thought your phone died."
"No, it's still got 43% left. I had it charging while I was in the shower." He rubbed his temple, trying to will away a stress-induced migraine. "I can't believe I didn't hear Kenny calling."
"It wasn't on silent?"
"No, I never put it on silent in case Stan has one of his moments."
"That's weird. Your phone was right there and it never lit up on the recording."
"Maybe the signal went to shit? God, it's like all devices were out to get us."
"Except your watch, I guess."
"God, my watch." He fiddled with it and stopped the tracking, now gone well over accuracy as Eric sat down beside him. Yeah, it really was as though all devices that could be used against them were used against them. "You said it's almost like a ghost turned it on."
"Right. You think your undead boyfriend took revenge on you for laughing at his small dick?"
"Maybe. Aren't you supposed to say some shit like, I don't know, thank you for your hospitality but I'm leaving now and you cannot follow me home?"
"I'm kinda confused about what you find hospitable."
"You know what I mean, Cartman." He sighed but leaned into Eric's warm body as he wrapped his arm around him. "He probably latched onto me because I made him angry."
"Hey, that's kind of like me." He huddled him even closer. "Except I'm alive and my dick is bigger and I can last longer. I'm definitely the superior boyfriend option."
"Is that so?" He finally laughed for the first time since this all transpired. It was rare, but there were occasions where Eric's few good qualities really shined. "Thank you for keeping it together in my place."
"I'll ride this out on my own so you don't have to worry your pretty little head about anything." He placed his lips on top of his head, lingering there with a muffled promise. "I'll take care of you."