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He’s still thinking about it.
He shouldn’t, but he is. It’s been months since the war ended. They won. They survived. They saved the world. Izuku should be happy. But… he isn’t.
Of course, he was happy for everyone that’d been saved. The heroes didn’t have much to worry about now, other than some random criminals who still think it’s a good idea to use their quirk to commit crimes. But still, everyone was happy. Everyone was safe. He should know, he saved them. So, why was this still happening?
The first time it happened was right after the war was over. Everyone who had fought was exhausted, drained and severely injured and they’d all been brought to the hospital to get treatment for their many wounds. After telling Kacchan he lost his quirk, (and seeing Kacchan cry for one of the first times in their lives..) they were both told to get some rest. It was kind of weird sleeping with All Might in the bed beside him, but he didn’t mind it too much. Honestly, he probably needed the company more than he would realize.
It didn’t take long for Izuku to eventually drift off to sleep.
That was a terrible idea.
Everything was dark and hazy. There was screaming. So loud yet barely audible. The loudest thing was probably the ringing in his ears, piercing his skull. He was surrounded by destruction and blood. There was so much blood. Everywhere.
He’s been here before.
It’s the battle field. The one where he fought Shigaraki and attempted to save Tenko. But, it was different. It was quieter. Emptier. Izuku was the only one there. Or, at least he thought he was.
He looked around a little to see if there was anyone else around, turning his head ever so slightly. That’s when he saw it. Laid out on the cold ground, arms sprawled beside him and what seemed to be almost fresh blood scattered along his heart and his face.
Kacchan.
Izuku’s lungs felt heavy and his mind was blank while also spiraling. His eyes welled up with tears, threatening to spill out and onto the floor, alongside the corpse of his friend. His best friend. His dead best friend.
He couldn’t move. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t anything. All he could do was stare. He stared and stared, waiting for the drift rise and fall of Kacchan’s chest. But, it never arrived.
Izuku wasn’t the only one who couldn’t breathe.
He wanted to cry. To scream. To call for help. To do something. Anything. Yet, for some reason, his body wouldn’t allow him. So, he stood there, watching the only person he’s ever loved lay flat on the floor.
Dead.
-
Izuku shot up from his hospital bed, tears finally flowing down his cheeks, eyes wide in shock and his heart monitor basically broadcasting his utter fear. He shuffled back against the wall behind the small bed, fists clenched in the sheets and nails digging into his palms. His chest heaved and he stuttered with every breath he took, trying to calm himself. He began aggressively wiping down the tears pouring from his eye sockets, new ones coming down with every one he swiped. He couldn’t stop thinking about the dream, no matter how hard he tried.
He didn’t sleep that night.
Or any of the nights after that.
-
This one was weird.
It was similar, but not the same as the others. (None of them were ever exactly the same so it didn’t make much of a difference.)
This time, he was closer.
Too close.
He was sitting over top of the blond under him, knees dropped on either side of the man’s hips. He could see it all so clearly. The cold, emotionless eyes in front of him. The limp upper body in his arms, only supported by Izuku’s large hands, and the way the corpse’s head fell loosely to the side with nothing keeping it up straight.
He was right there.
It was all Izuku’s fault.
He was too late. He couldn’t save Kacchan in time.
No.
He didn’t save him in time.
He should’ve been there on time.
And now here his best friend was, lifeless, blood smeared on every inch of him. His eyes were empty and desaturated. He had no expression on his face. He was just.. there. Numb.
Fuck.
You should’ve saved him.
-
Izuku woke up with his voice caught in his throat, making a sad attempt at screaming but being met with nothing but a hard choke. He sobbed silently, shoving a palm to his mouth to try and support his crying, back pressed against the backboard behind him.
How many nights had it been by now? How many times had he lost sleep over these stupid nightmares about something that he should’ve moved on from months ago? How many hours did he spend in his room in the middle of the night, sobbing to himself and failing to stop and fall back asleep? How bad had the dark circles under his eyes gotten due to these god awful dreams?
He can’t do this anymore.
Izuku has gone way too many days without sleeping just because he’s too sensitive to forget about Kacchan’s death that hardly lasted a few minutes. He’s going to do something about it.
He has to do something about it.
He shakily reaches for his phone, unlocking it and opening his contacts. ‘02:17’, it read. He stops for a second to rethink what he’s about to do. Right now, Izuku’s thinking about calling Katsuki Bakugou, his best friend, the love of his life, his everything, and.. do what? Ask for help? What if he’s sleeping? What if Izuku ruins his sleep schedule and Kacchan hates him? Oh god, what if he hates him. What if he thinks Izuku is weak again? What if—
…
Screw it.
Izuku presses the call button and hears the phone ring a few times. He’s not gonna answer. He thinks, It’s literally two in the morning and Kacchan sleeps by— what, 8:00? There’s no way in hell Kacchan’s picking up. This is stupid. This was a stupid idea and Izuku should just—
Click.
“Izuku?”
-
02:24
Katsuki is awoken by the sound of his phone buzzing infuriatingly loud. He looks at the clock on his dresser. Who the fuck would be calling at this hour? He rubs his left eye in annoyance, sitting up straight and grabbing his phone. If it’s some damn scam callers, Katsuki will not hesitate to—
..
He reads the blurry name on his phone screen.
‘Nerd❇️’
Huh? Why was Izuku calling? The nerd better not have gotten himself in trouble again. Always self-sacrificing and shit. Honestly, it gets to a point. Katsuki bets he has to go save Izuku’s sorry ass again from some d-lister villain who Izuku was too stubborn to not pick a fight with. Whatever, Katsuki doesn’t care too much. To be fair, he’s a little glad he gets to help out Izuku from time to time. I mean— it’s not only Izuku. Katsuki would be happy to save anyone’s sorry ass. It just so happens that he only doesn’t get too pissed off about it when it’s Izuku. Anyway, that’s beside the point.
Katsuki answers the phone, not being able to bring it to his ear (with his stupid fuckass hearing aids) and putting it on speaker so he can actually hear it. He yawns and rubs his good eye once more.
“Izuku?” He whispers groggily.
‘K— cough! Ugh……Kacchan..’
Katsuki can hear soft cries and sniffles from the other end of the call. Izuku is crying right now. Fuck. Is Izuku actually in trouble? Does he need help? Katsuki feels like a total ass for joking about that earlier, even if it was just in his head.
“Oi, Izuku, the hell’s going on? Where are you?”
Katsuki probably sounds more paranoid than his ego would want him to but he doesn't care about that right now. All that matters is making sure Izuku is safe.
“Uh, I’m— hic.. I’m, uhm… I’m okay, Kacchan. I’m in my room.. I just..”
Izuku didn’t really know what to say. He kind of just wanted to make sure that Kacchan was alive. Usually he’d just wait it out, sob in his knees until his voice gave out or something. Then, after that, he’d probably just sit ‘till the sun came out so he could get ready and see his friends again. But, he couldn’t do that this time. He couldn’t wait. Seeing Kacchan in his arms, cold, unmoving, dead. It was a horrible sight to see, especially up close. It was horrible to even think about.
He thought it’d be fine to just call Kacchan. Hear his voice, his breathing, then just end the call peacefully and go to sleep for the first time since the war. But, it wasn’t enough. Even after hearing Kacchan’s voice, he still felt that pain in his chest. The knowledge that what he was imagining wasn’t just a thought, but a memory. He still felt all of it. Why wasn’t this enough?
Katsuki’s chest tightened. Izuku’s in his room, so he’s probably safe, right? But, then again, him being in the building didn’t change the fact that he just called Katsuki, crying. Something’s wrong and Izuku obviously isn’t able to say what it is right now.
Fuuuuck.
“I’ll be there in 5.”
The call abruptly ends, leaving Izuku in the quiet of his room. Alone. Well, he won’t be alone for long. Kacchan said he’s coming and he’s just a short walk away. Izuku can survive 5 minutes alone. He’s survived hours alone. This is hardly any different.
-
Katsuki sprints to Izuku’s room, tripping over himself as he stops at his door. He doesn’t even think to knock before turning the handle and stumbling inside. Idiot left his door unlocked again. He thinks. Katsuki feels guilty for believing this but, it might be a good thing he did since Izuku didn’t sound like he was in any state to get up and unlock the door himself.
When he enters the room he finds Izuku, fortunately still in one piece. Katsuki shuts and locks the door behind him, slowly walking over towards Izuku. He’s wearing a baggy white tee with loose black shorts and sitting on his bed, legs tucked to his chest. Katsuki sits on the bed beside him, placing both legs up and stretching one out. He sits quietly, carefully studying the boy's face.
“Hey, Izuku. You alright?” He stares at Izuku with concern, heart beating out of his chest from stress and worry.
Izuku looks back at his friend beside him with eyes red and glossy and tears still streaming down his freckled cheeks. He continues to sob, turning over and catching Katsuki in a tight embrace.
“..Kacchan!” Izuku rests his forehead on Kacchan’s chest, crying louder but still quiet enough so their classmates won’t hear, muffling the sound in Kacchan’s black tank top under him. Katsuki wraps his left arm around Izuku’s back, gently squeezing him closer. He gently gubs his hand up and down at a constant rhythm, matching the pace of his own breaths.
The two stay like that for a while, Izuku’s cries eventually dying down into small gasps and hiccups. He softly looks up at Kacchan, staring deep in his ruby irises. The blonde’s eyes are soft, eyebrows furrowed with worry. Izuku doesn’t remember the last time he’s seen Kacchan look at anyone like this.
“You wanna tell me what this’s all about?” Katsuki looks back at the pair of emerald green eyes in front of him, locking his gaze on the younger man now straddling over him.
Izuku sniffles and wipes a hand across his face. “I, uh. ..I had a bad dream.”
That made sense. After the war, the entire class would have nightmares about what they’d gone through from time to time, including Katsuki. It was a whole thing. Aizawa-Sensei even offered to set a period every day for the class to talk to him or other teachers about their dreams. A few people took it— Tsu, Yayorozu, Pink-Cheeks and Koda verbalizing their experiences when it came to bad dreams —but most of them were either too embarrassed to or felt they wanted to deal with it on their own.
It wasn’t surprising that Izuku would have some pretty bad ones too. After all, he was the one who defeated Shigraki. The one who attempted to save Shigiraki. If anyone went through some traumatic shit, it was Izuku. He had every right to be upset and even cry about remembering the war.
“Mm..” Katsuki hummed, trying to hide the worry laced in his voice. “This isn’t new, is it? How long?”
“Uhm… Since the uh— the hospital, I think?”
“Izuku, that was, like, four months ago. Why didn’t you tell someone?”
“..Didn’t wanna bother anyone. I know you have a sleep schedule so I— I dunno, I didn’t wanna be a burden.”
“Izuku, you’re not— sigh. This one, it’s about the war, right?”
Izuku was quiet, fingers trembling where they laid on Katsuki.
“Izuku?”
…
“..Kacchan…”
“..You died.”
Oh.
That’s what this was about.
“Izuku—”
“You— You were right there. Right in front of me, on the ground, dead. You were dead and I—” Izuku fists his hair, tugging on strands of curls caught in between his fingers. “..I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t do anything.”
“Izuku.”
“If I had just been there on time, I could’ve saved you. I should’ve saved you. But I didn’t. I wasn’t there, I should’ve— ”
“Hey. Shut up for a sec, okay?” Katsuki cuts Izuku off, guiding a scarred hand to his own chest, right over his heart. “You feel that?” He questions. The beat of Kacchan’s heart pulses from under Izuku’s palm. He nods shakily in response. “ I’m not going anywhere, ‘Zuku. I’m right here, okay?”
Izuku sniffles. “A—Alright..”
Izuku finds himself breathing at a steadier pace than before, his heavy pants calming into slow huffs. He notices that Kacchan’s heart beat is a bit faster than it usually is.
“Kacchan,” Izuku blinks, “Your, uh.. your heart’s beating pretty fast.”
Katsuki scoffs. “Yeah, cause you scared the living shit ‘outta me.” He lightly flicks Izuku in the forehead, causing him to rub the spot with his free hand. “..Fuckin’ nerd.”
Izuku laughs a little before laying down on Kacchan’s chest, right ear pressed over top of the area where blond’s heart sits. Izuku sighs in relief, fluttering his eyes closed. He sniffles a bit, smiling softly and listening carefully to the paced beats under him.
“You good now?” Katsuki plays with Izuku’s messy curls between his fingers, twisting and twisting small strands here and there.
“..Mhm.” Izuku hums,
Katsuki continues to fiddle with the hair in his hands. Izuku relishes in the moment, Kacchan’s gentle fingers intertwined in his green locks.
“Uhm, Kacchan..? Could I ask you something?”
Katsuki rakes his hands through Izuku’s lush hair. “Mm, what’s up?”
“I.. I don’t want to bother you or anything, and you can totally say no if you don’t want to!” Izuku softly squeezes Kacchan’s shirt. “..But, could you.. stay?”
Katsuki tilts his head down in an attempt to look at Izuku laying on top of him. He felt his ears flush but he was way too prideful to acknowledge it.
“You want me to sleep here t’night? Like, on the floor?”
Izuku shakes his head, (as much as he can, at least.) squeezing a little tighter.
“No, I mean.. ” Izuku sighs. “I want you to stay with me, Kacchan. I—..I want to stay with you. Everywhere. Not just here. Not just for tonight.” Izuku feels himself beginning to tear up again.
The room goes silent again. Kacchan doesn’t even sound like he’s breathing right now and, honestly, Izuku doesn’t know if can either.
Katsuki’s voice unintentionally comes out more like a breath than anything else.
“Oh.”
Oh?
Oh???
Was that a stupid question? Did Kacchan really not want to stay with him?? Did Izuku misinterpret the situation? Oh shit. He totally misread the situation. Sure, Kacchan was here— on Izuku’s bed, allowing him to lay on his chest just because he had some stupid bad dream —but that’s what best friends do, right? Anyone would comfort their friend who had a dream about them dying. This wasn’t a special thing. Kacchan would probably do this for anyone. This was not a sign for Izuku to confess. Wait- did Izuku just accidentally confess? He hardly even gave what he said a second thought before letting the words fall out of his mouth. How did he mess up that badly? He should’ve kept his mouth shut. He shouldn’t have said anything. He's such an—
Izuku’s thoughts are cut off by a soft voice and a tight grip on his back.
“I can practically hear you overthinking, nerd. You’re shaking like crazy, stop that.”
“Oh, sorry.”
…
“Okay.”
“..H-Huh.?”
Kacchan breathes a soft chuckle, turning his head as if trying to hide (?) his face in the pillows. The tips of his ears glow with a hint of pink. He clicks his tongue and looks at Izuku through the corner of his eyes.
“I.. feel the same. I guess… I don’t know? Like— sigh. It’s like I said, Izuku; I’m not going anywhere. I meant that.”
“Kacchan.. You really don’t have to—”
“I want to.”
Izuku’s breath hitches, his eyebrows scrunching together with a frown.
“I wouldn’t be here right now if I didn’t. Izuku, I don’t do shit I don’t want to— you know that. And guess what? I’m still here, aren’t I?”
Izuku’s heart skips a beat and, as dangerous as it should be, so does Katsuki’s. Izuku feels wet tears welling up in his eyes again, but this time, they’re tears of relief. In that moment, the two felt as if a huge weight had just lifted off their shoulders. Izuku stares at Katsuki deep in his eyes and Katsuki stares right back. They could probably get lost like this, but honestly, that’d probably be nice.
“Uh, yeah. You’re right.” Izuku blushes.
“I know that, dumbass. Wouldn’t’ve said it if I wasn’t.”
Izuku breathes a light giggle. Even in a moment as sentimental as this, Kacchan is still as cocky as ever.
“Izuku.”
“Hm?”
“You’re.. Fuck, how do I say this. I— Ughh.”
Katsuki slides a hand down his face and groans. Why does this ‘emotions’ shit always gotta be so damn difficult.
“Sigh. Izuku, you’re… Different.”
“I am?”
“Not— like that. I’m saying you’re special. To me. You’re not like those other extras; you’re… you. I just— I know your overthinking nerd brain or whatever’s in that head of yours ‘s thinking that this’s a normal thing. Well, you’re wrong.”
Izuku sits up, a bit confused. What exactly is Kacchan trying to say right now?
“I… I get nightmares sometimes too, y’know. About— you. Some are about me dying or whatever but, they’re mostly about you. It’s not just dreams. It’s… I’m always thinking of you. Like— I’m not good with talking about feelings and stuff but— D’you understand what I’m getting at?”
“Kacchan—”
“Just— Lie down, Izuku.”
Katsuki pats an empty spot on the bed, prompting Izuku to lay down beside him. Izuku carefully lifts himself off Kacchan and shuffles under the covers, the pair both now lying on their sides to face each other.
Katsuki brushes curled green strands out of Izuku’s face, gently caressing a thumb over the side of his cheek where faint freckles lay. Izuku can’t help but shiver a little at the slight touch. Kacchan exhales deeply.
“I’m gonna stay here, got that?”
Izuku smiles. “Yeah. I’m glad.”
“Good.”
“Mhm.”
Izuku blinks a couple times, fluttering his eyes closed. Katsuki does the same. Izuku can feel himself falling asleep already. He moves closer to Kacchan, bushing his bear once more with his head tucked under the blonde’s chin. Katsuki holds him tight, almost afraid to let go.
“Hey.. one more thing?”
“Mmh, tell me.” He hums.
“I love you, Kaccha.”
Katsuki’s eyes spring open, his heart beat picking up. He goes still, not moving, not breathing.
Then, for the first time in months, Izuku finally falls into a deep sleep, comfortable and relaxed. The two both equally know that they can’t change what happened, nor can they solve their trauma, but maybe — just maybe — they can help ease it just a little like this. And maybe, hopefully, they’ll be okay.
…
“I love you too, Izuku.”
Yeah, they’re gonna be okay.