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It started off as an innocent crush when you were younger,then it quickly snowballed into full on infatuation and obsession.
He would often excuse himself to the bathroom to go relieve himself,or turn away in embarrassment and shame when you caught him staring at you,face beet red and pupils dilated,erection on full display,an obvious sign of his affection.
He just couldn't help himself. The way clothes clung to your still developing curves,the way you walked with such joy and whimsy when you were truly excited about something,the touch of your loving embrace. Your smile. That god damned smile. The real one that showed the real you. That playful glint in your eyes.
The way the sunshine tore through the trees and bathed you in a heavenly tone.
Your soft,sweet skin. Smooth and fragile,like porcelain. Perfect,Like a doll.
Those beautiful doe like eyes staring into very own,sunken in stormy blue eyes. Strained from years of sleepless nights and crying. Your beauty was blinding,consuming him and in his every waking hour.
It felt difficult to give direct eye contact,most of the time. Painful even,for the both of you. But,he could withstand that if even for a moment,just to look into your soul and gaze upon his prized possession.
No,not yet. But you will be,soon enough.
How genuinely excited you got when you discovered something new and unusual that piqued both your interests. How you wanted to explore the world around you,and know everything about it.
He wanted to explore you. He wanted to get to know your inner world,your sacred inner core. How you worked inside,what made you tick.
"The kids at middleschool were right,i am just a pervert and a loser."
"I can't help myself but to think about you like this,defiling you without even laying a hand on you. What would you think of me? I disgust myself. I can't even imagine how much i would disgust you if you knew how i truly feel."
He wallowed in his self degradation.
He shuddered and sighed deeply,leaning up against the wall and crumpling into a melancholic heap.
He cupped his face in his hands,feeling vulnerable even with no one else around to see him.
He was all alone in his closet. He released his hands for a moment,to glance at the mess besides him.
In it,poking out was a picture of the two of you. You rarely smiled,atleast authentically.
Him even less so. But somehow,together you drew the best out of each other(and the worst)
you actually made him feel comfortable enough to let his mask go and be raw with you,unabashedly joyful in the rare moment that you were completely alone with each other,embracing each other's peculiarities and imperfections.
It wasn't always like that,at first he was shy. Still is,but your warmth and kindness and perseverance changed that.
over time, slowly peeling back the layers of insecurities to get at his core.
It was scary to him at times,still.
Being exposed like that,he had trusts issues.
Life wasn't always so kind to him,to say the least. He was innately aware of how he was different from the others,an outcast. A weirdo. An anomaly.
You wish you couldn't relate,but truthfully you could.
But you were there with him,by his side. Faithfully his companion,and just as bizzare and offputting as him with an unique view on life,in your own special way.
Like a corpse flower.
Unappealing to most. Repulsive even,to the uninitiated. An acquired taste. But with an authentic beauty rarely seen.
like flies to a carrion,you drew him in with your sickly sweet aroma.
And yet still so charming and nurturing. He didn't feel like he could compare to you.
"I don't even deserve her. One day she'll leave me like all the others." He felt sick with anxiety. He tried to stuff that thought pack inside,punching it down deeper and deeper into the recesses of his mind.
"Even if you do,to have you,truly have for just a fleeting moment,would make it all worth it in the end"
He would cling onto that moment forever,a shared experience,for eternity.
He had always wondered if you felt the same way about him as he does for you. You certainly showed that you trusted him,that you cared about him and would do anything for him. You showed him things that you thought he would like. Complimented him. Were there for him when he needed you the most,a shoulder to cry on. A soothing warmth,in contrast to his icy cold demeanor. He didn't mean to be that way,he tried to so hard to be like you.
But it was hard,in a world that rejected him. You were his only saving grace. It didn't feel real,your presence. He idolized you.
You better hope that you don't fall from his graces,his perfect vision of you.
He was terrified to think of what would happen if you do. His rotten flower. Would he make you wilt further,take it too far?
He tried not to push you away,but sometimes it felt to good to be true,like he was being set up for rejection.
Or that he was going to be too much to bare,falling for you to hard and too fast.
Taking things too fast once he revealed his true desires to you.
He so desperately craved your connection. Would he ruin you from the inside out,and make you view him as an abomination,unfit for life or death itself?
He was shaking immensely now. Trembling with a stew of emotions and hormones, raging inside of him like the wildest storm. Fear. Disgust. Rage. Self pitty. Desire. Unease.
Gripping his hair with careless force,and wishing he could just end it all,telling you everything already. If you accepted him,great.
If you rejected his advances,you were in for hell.
You were his. You had to be his,if not today,tomorrow,if not tomorrow,when? He couldn't let anyone else have you. Even if it meant hurting you,and losing you forever.
He would just cling onto your body,squeezing tight and never letting go. He couldn't dare to.
And yet,he was a hypocrite. Here he was fantasizing about what he would do to,when he couldn't even kiss you on the lips and tell you he loved you.
"No,not love",he muttered under his breathe. It was deeper than just love. Something all consuming,and soul bonding. Soul destroying,even.
Fawning over you when your faces were so close together,plump red lips pursed together in that cute girlish way,breathing softly. Chest rising up in down in a hypnotic motion. The soft and supple skin clinging to your bone structure. Your intoxicating scent.
He struggled to even lay a finger on you in those moments,skin colliding as his fingertips brushed against you,eliciting an increase in heartbeat. He squeeked out in shock,drawing a concerned look from your face.
"A-are you alright?"
Yes-yes i-im alright,just got a little startled that's all,you shocked me.
"Oh,must've been the static electricity i guess,I'm sorry."
You both felt too awkward to address it further.
"God,how pathetic. He couldn't even tell you the truth,and even the slightest touch of your perfect body elicited the most extreme of reactions from him."
He hated himself for what he was. You always did try to reassure him that it was alright,that you didn't bother him and it's okay to be shy and nervous,you get so too,especially around people that you like.
(He tried to take it to heart,he really did,but he just kept falling back on to his old ways like an addict to his vices.
He was like an old abused shelter dog that constantly needed reassurance and tried to keep it's distance,even when it really didn't want to,or a wild animal that you tried to gain the trust of with consistency and kindess,bonding with over time but still skittish and cautious.)
He perked up at those last few words,and clung to them viciously. You..liked him? Actually really like him?
A crimson blush slowly creeped it's way to his cheeks,up to his ears and finally down to his neck,like a staph infection in an open wound.
Oh how he adored you,you were his infection,his addiction,worming his way into his mind like a brain parasite. He loved you so much that it hurt,truly. His one and only true purpose for living in life. For his continued existence on this retched earth,his force for sustaining entropy.
Like a moth to a flame,he followed you around wherever you go. Always hot on your trail,never missing a step. Every breathe you took. Every glance you made at him, he cherished every moment.
He would never let anything get in the way of you,his ultimate goal.
He heard the door bell ring softly from afar,muffled by the distance between you two.
His head perked up. Was it you,his angel come to finally pull him out of his pit of pessimism? His weary eyelids felt a little lighter.
He slowly but surely dragged himself up onto his knees,then rose to stand and creaked open the closet. Door.
He dragged his feet over to the bedroom door,tension weighing him down,like bricks on his psyche.
Would he be able to compose himself enough to talk to you? Would you notice his distressed state and sense something was off? Did he look okay enough to you? Was he presentable?
He didn't feel like he was attractive,not at all.
In his mind,
He wasn't in the same league as you. Not by a long shot.
You were so appealing,naturally.
Even when you felt your worst,he still found you breathtakingly beautiful.
He especially didn't feel like he looked good right now,after the mess he had been.
He couldn't accept himself. And yet,you accepted him,wholeheartedly.
Every aspect of him. When he was broken,you were there to put back the shattered pieces.
His head peaked out from behind the door frame,it was
damaged from years of slamming it behind him with frustration,or banging his fist on it,whenever things got to be too much.
Blue eyes eagerly watching for signs of movement,of life. Of being graced with your gentle presence. Like a great white shark peaking it's head out of water,to spy for prey.
He observed as door swung open,you were greeted by none other than his other sister,laurel
"Oh hey! It's you again,i was wondering when i was going to see last,we rarely get to speak with eachother since you're always so busy with you know who,how've you been?
"Hi- it's um, y/n here,i was just..just wondering if Lawrence was home? I wanted to talk to him and hang out,you know..if that's okay, maybe? Thanks!"
You said,while rubbing your arms awkwardly. Your gaze shifted to the side with nervous energy.
"Oh,and um I've been okay,i guess. And you? Sorry that we haven't gotten to interact so much,haha!"
"I've been alright too!"
"Well,don't stand there and be shy stranger,come on in!"
You cautiously stepped into the house,a little on edge due to not being greeted by Lawrence. Laurel gracefully retreated further into the house,you followed.
You stood over by the kitchen counter,not wanting to offend her,your host, by standing too close or too far away.
"Soo,I've been meaning to tell you something about my little bro..."
she trailed off,as if lost in thought about how to phrase what she said next
"Yes? What um,is it?
Well,i don't want to say this so suddenly when you just came in,buttt..
I think he's got a little crush on youuu,a little birdie told me so."
She winked,and nudged you playfully,a little too hard. you recoiled a little in suprise and pain. Your cheeks flushed.
"You're real lucky you know,he's not very receptive of most people. He must really like you and trust you,how'd you get him to come out of his shell? Are you a witch or something? Must be magic.",the older girl remarked with a giggle.
You laughed awkwardly
"Haha,yeah. I guess so. You know me,i tend to have that affect on people!"
You thought about your words for a second. "Wait,that didn't sound right. I don't know many people,and i usually don't talk to people. I'm something of a recluse myself. People usually don't enjoy talking to me,atleast not ones around my age or close to it. It always feels so awkward and forced.."
You thought to yourself,not realizing that you were mouthing the words and ignoring your host.
Your eyes shot up at her,trying not to show how embarrassed you were.
Well,don't let me stop you from hanging out with him,go get 'em tiger!" she stated as she gently pushed you towards the hallway leaking into his bedroom with a soft nudge,and pat on the shoulder.
You cringed at the sudden intrusion on your personal space,but tried to hide it so as to not upset her.
You didn't really like contact from people without initiating it first,unless it was from Lawrence. He made you feel safe enough to accept that kind of interaction,unannounced.
she was perhaps a little too pushy to get you out of her line of sight,you thought. She probably doesn't like me,you remarked to yourself in somber silence.
From afar,unnoticed,Lawrence watched on.
A grimace etched across his face at first,then soon a look of rage overcame his features.
"How could she do that? How dare she touch my delicate flower like that,and make her feel so uncomfortable? Why would she betray me by exposing my secret? Does she have any idea what's she's even doing?"
She was just another thorn in his side. Just like his other wretched sister,and his mother and father too. And everybody else he had ever known,spare for you,of course.
Just another problem to dispose of,in time. He wanted to get away from it all so badly,to escape somewhere with you. In a special place that you would make all your own,where no prying eyes could misjudge you and point fingers and laugh,ir worst of all: take you away from him.
He despised the rest of humanity,
They never got him,never understood him. The true him. Not like you did.
They only ever judged him and criticized him for his character,his weird interests.
The way he held himself. How he carried conversations.
They all hated him,he was sure of it.
And if they hated him and didn't treat him right,well he hated them too.
He clenched his fist a little too hard,knuckles turning white and crushing the fragile remains of the wood under his touch. His hand hurt,but it didn't even matter. His fury was all too consuming in the moment,caught up in a whirlwind of rushing hormones.