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“Hey Buddy? Little Buddy? Are you alright?”
Several immediately identifiable things were wrong with the scene that Nansong woke up to. Number one, Fang Xu, whose tone was normally cheerful with a slight air of brattiness, sounded worried. Two, there was the fact that the young wanderer’s waking place was a patch of high, itchy grass. Of all places to make his bed, why would he choose here when he was apparently a short distance away from General’s Shrine, judging by the faint clashing of practice weapons that echoed alongside the ambient sounds of nature around the river? Third was the pain. His head had become the war drums of the haunted Bodhi Sea, and his eyes didn’t want to cooperate, not even to look at Fang Xu.
“Brother Fang,” the awaking wanderer moaned as he rubbed at the lids of those stubborn organs to coerce them into ending their protest against the moonlight. “I was having… the weirdest dream…”
“Yeah, I heard,” Fang Xu replied with his voice dialed up to what Nansong jokingly referred to as the Well of Heaven disciple’s outrage pitch.
A sinking feeling decided to join nausea for a small get-together in Nansong’s stomach as he finally found both the courage and the will to look at the young man that he fondly referred to as Brother Fang. Just as Fang Xu’s tone had warned, the elder young man was indeed outraged, standing with his arms folded and his brow raised.
“Um… what did I say..?” Nansong dared to ask while rubbing his neck and doing his best to shrink without using the Contortion skill.
They were indeed a short distance away from the General’s Shrine -- the rooftops of the dilapidated buildings and the light from the torches could be seen from where they were. The road leading from the dock was only a hop and a skip away, but Nansong had apparently been found by Fang Xu in the grass and foliage at the foot of a small cliff nearby.
“You were saying something about me touching you,” Fang Xu was frowning. “And I did nothing like that!”
Waving his hand quickly, Nansong replied, “I know, I know! It was just a weird dream. My head is killing me…”
His head wasn’t the only source of pain, but the young wanderer was still trying to process his location and the state he was in. A quick check confirmed that all of his belongings were present, including his money pouch, and so it wouldn’t be unreasonable to conclude that he had passed out here in a drunken state. However, something felt very wrong.
“How did I get here?” He mumbled to himself. “The last thing I remember was drinking with friends…”
“You should’ve invited me,” Fang Xu immediately protested with a hand on his hip like a scolding wife.
“Actually, I’m pretty sure that I was on my way to see you,” Nansong replied while trying to coax the ache out of his brain by rubbing his temples in slow circles.
He had given up on the pain behind his eyes, having come to the conclusion that they were determined to have him pay for his continued insistence on them remaining open. As for the pain in the rest of his body, he was getting to that. He looked up at his friend and nodded as a memory was coming back to him.
“Yeah, I was drinking. I can’t remember who I was drinking with.”
“Maybe it was Liao Fan with his boring face,” Fang Xu shrugged. “And you got so bored, so you came to find your best buddy Fang Xu so we can drink and talk about how I’m gonna be the great Sunflower Hero!”
Despite his ailments, the young wanderer couldn’t help but chuckle at the handsome young man, who stood before him with a puffed out chest.
“Maybe it was something like that. But I barely know that guy. Why would I drink with someone I don’t like when I’d rather drink with you?”
Neither of the two had an answer for that. Meanwhile, the pit in Nansong’s stomach was ever growing. As he started to stand, the sudden immense pain reminded him of what he had been ignoring thus far. The meager contents of that pit in his stomach threatened to rise up. However, he summoned his will over it by means of a few quick breaths. Then he turned as red as the smudged rouge on his lips.
“Brother Fang…um… did you and I mess around…?”
The Well of Heaven disciple threw his hands up in immediate outrage. With his brows furrowed, he even took a step back as if needing physical distance from the question so that it wouldn’t dare tarnish the reputation he was trying to build for himself.
“Whoa! I’m a hero who values loyalty above all else! Heroes don’t do things like that!”
Nansong would beg to differ, but he had bigger problems -- much bigger. He tried to speak, but his body warned him that what was about to come out of him wouldn’t be mere words. Quickly, he scrambled behind a tree in time to become violently ill. This alarmed Fang Xu, who followed him, but was notably avoiding looking at the mess in the grass.
“Buddy, are you ok?”
He was not. In fact, he was very close to tears. However, instead of letting them fall, he decided that he needed to confide in his sworn senior martial brother. The slightly older young man was clearly worried about him, and what’s more, Fang Xu was currently the only person in his life that he felt a close enough bond with to confide in. A deep breath was taken, and then the young wanderer started with a question.
“Brother Fang, did you happen to see me walking with someone or was someone following me?”
Fang Xu shook his head. “No, I didn’t see anything like that.”
The sickness threatened to rise again, but Nansong swallowed it down. Then he spoke slowly.
“I think someone messed with me while I was passed out.”
Fang Xu was a young man who often chose inaction and sitting in his favorite spot at the General’s Shrine over actively pursuing his dreams of being a hero. His fellow Well of Heaven disciple, Shi Jingtian, had even once called him a coward. However, Nansong had snapped at this fellow for saying it. There was a side to the seemingly lazy Fang Xu that few people got to see, and it was here now.
“Who dares to think they can touch my little brother?!”
The usually somewhat bratty tone had become a lion’s roar, and a hand that normally found itself with a lot of idle time flew to the hilt of the longsword on Fang Xu’s back, ready to draw the weapon at a moment’s notice. Eyes gleaming with anger scanned the area around them for perpetrators. Unfortunately, the two were the only ones hanging around near the closed off riverside entrance of General’s Shrine.
Nansong found himself blinking back tears as he shook his head. Shame was a cold wind, causing him to shiver and rub his arms as he finally began to understand the predicament that he was in.
“I can’t remember what happened. M-maybe I met up with someone and we messed around and I just can’t remember it.”
Everything about the proposed scenario felt wrong, but even as his heart started to spiral into that pit in his stomach, he tried to convince himself to believe that this is what must have happened. His fingers worried a bracelet made of red thread that he wore on his left wrist as he looked down at his boots. They were new -- part of a beautiful set of red and gold robes he’d just bought for himself and had worn today to look fancy while he was out drinking with some friends who were fellow disciples of the Nine Mortal Ways sect. All of them were his seniors -- pretty much everyone in the Jianghu was, it seemed. They were good seniors -- just as kind and willing to guide him as Fang Xu was. If something had happened between himself and one of them, it wouldn’t be something that would hurt…
“That’s not love,” Fang Xu was angrily ranting. “That’s taking advantage! I’ll find out who did this and tear them apart!”
“I-it’s ok, Brother Fang,” Nansong tried to reassure him. However, his voice was too thin to be convincing to his own ears.
Fang Xu’s fury continued, “I should have been there! I should have protected you! How could I let this happen to my poor little brother!”
“Brother Fang, you were here, happy in your spot,” the young wanderer spoke softly, attempting to calm his enraged senior. “I’m starting to remember now. I was drinking with my seniors, but then I left them and I went to Uncle Jiang’s hut. Then I started to come this way because I wanted to see you.”
The senior brother’s fury was finally calming, but unfortunately, after the storm of his temper, there was still the threat of rain. Brother Fang’s throat bobbed several times, and he shook his head slowly while lowering his gaze to the ground.
“Something felt wrong. You were supposed to meet me so I looked for you, and I found you, but I thought you were just passed out drunk…”
“There was no way you could have known,” Nansong spoke softly as he took his brother’s hand, which had finally released its grip on the hilt of the longsword.
Shame returned, sudden and overwhelming, and the young wanderer barely managed to cover his face and turn away before the dam broke under pressure. An involuntary flinch as Fang Xu’s arms settled around him brought a strong feeling of guilt, causing his sobbing to increase in intensity until his entire body trembled. Nausea quickly followed, further compounding his guilt as he pushed away from his sworn brother and ran behind the tree.
“Little Buddy, don’t!” the senior brother called after him.
Nansong fell on his knees, once again evicting the occupants of his stomach that had managed to be left out of the last round. Once that ordeal was over, the distraught wanderer began hugging himself and sobbing.
“I can’t remember what happened to me, but I can FEEL that something happened. I have to bathe right now!”
“Ok, well I’m not letting you go alone,” Fang Xu gently warned him as he trailed behind the wanderer, who had stood abruptly and headed for the river.
Though he would prefer a nice large tub of steaming hot water, Nansong was no stranger to bathing in a cold river. Since leaving home, he’d become used to resorting to it. He was desperate to be clean right now. However, as he arrived at the bank, he found himself watching shallow water pooling at the toe of his boot.
“Brother Fang, please stay with me and watch,” he asked softly as the older young man caught up to him.
“It’s ok, I’m here,” Fang Xu promised him. “I won’t look or do anything funny. I’ll just watch over you. Don’t worry. You’re not alone.”
Nansong nodded tearfully as he undressed with careful movements. Then he waded out into the water and turned to confirm that his senior brother was still there and watching over him. They were still the only two people out here, but the sight of Fang Xu made him feel safe.
As he washed, the young wanderer found tears giving away to fury, and he began clawing violently as his body. Fang Xu noticed and waded in after him without caring that his clothes would become wet. He grabbed Nansong by both arms and brought him back to the shore while gently scolding him.
“What are you doing?! That’s not washing! That’s self harm!”
“I’m dirty,” Nansong replied without meeting the other’s eyes. Then he began to sob. “Brother Fang, don’t look at me…”
They were both already soaked, so Fang Xu didn’t hesitate to pull his junior brother into his arms to hold tightly. His voice was soft, yet filled with obvious malice as he spoke to the young wanderer.
“Stop talking like that! You are NOT dirty! The one who did this to you is! You rest first. I’ll investigate this and find him!”
Nansong could feel his senior’s determination in the fierce way that he held him as clearly as he could hear it in the young man’s voice. This disciple, who had gained quite a reputation for being a lazy “wanna-be hero”, as Hong Xian had once called him, was now more than willing to go all in. Before his head could do anything about it, Nansong’s heart took control of his mouth.
“It was supposed to be you,” he said softly. “The only man I’ve ever wanted was you.”
“I’ll kill him myself for touching you,” Fang Xu replied with equal gentleness. “The only one who is allowed to touch my little brother is me.”
Nansong was absolutely stunned, and for a few moments after hearing those words, all he could do was stare at the fiercely protective face of his beloved Brother Fang. A lot had happened tonight, some of which couldn’t be recalled at the moment. It was entirely possible that he’d heard wrong, wasn’t it? The young wanderer’s next words were spoken with delicate caution.
“You weren’t supposed to find out about my feelings for you. Not like this.”
Fang Xu’s eyes shimmered for a moment, but then anger quickly steeled his gaze as he spoke with a cold tone, “I should’ve protected you. I should have been there. Instead, I let this happen to you on my road...”
For the most part, Fang Xu would stay in the same spot on the wooden platform near the entrance to General’s Shrine, not bothering to watch any of the sparring matches taking place just a few feet away from him. Every now and then, Nansong could convince him to move to venture to the food stalls, and once, he had even convinced Fang Xu to go shopping with him in Kaifeng. The two had pulled off quite a few fun plots that day, making the effort it took to get Well of Heaven’s laziest disciple to move worth it. Most of the time, Fang Xu was like a bump on a log from what Nansong saw. However, he was now coming to understand that his older brother wasn’t just some loiterer.
“You couldn’t have known,” Nansong shook his head and then buried his face against the other’s chest. “This happened to me while I was passed out, so I couldn’t scream or cry for help. You’re here now. You looked for me…”
“Something felt wrong,” Fang Xu said as he tightened his arms around the young wanderer. Both of them were soaking wet now and the wind was cold. Still, they held onto each other.
At length, Nansong finally pulled away. The rocky formation where he had been found would serve as good wind cover, and so he decided to just make a camp there. As he worked to set up, he once again felt the anger rising within him.
“I hurt too much,” he grumbled just loud enough for Fang Xu to hear. “I’ll just sleep here tonight. That guy couldn’t even be gentle with me…”
“Let me help,” Fang Xu insisted. “My knife skills are terrible, but still, I’ll make something for you to eat.”
The silence that settled between them as they each went about their chosen tasks was tense, but only because Nansong’s mood had shifted. He managed to make a nice comfortable spot for them to lay down on straw mats while Fang Xu got a fish roasting on the fire for their dinner.
When it was time to eat, Fang Xu sat next to him in front of the fire -- in reach if hugs were needed, but silent. This scene felt entirely too quiet, especially because his senior brother was in it. By now, Brother Fang should be going on and on with odd stories about fighting boars, his silly ideas about how he’d defeat the Khitans, or making up silly hero titles for the two of them. As he was reflecting on this, an intrusive thought wound up and punched Nansong square in the gut.
I’m ruining everything…
The Lunar New Year festivities had been in swing since last week, building up to the biggest celebration to come in just a couple of days. Right now, they were meant to be joyously celebrating with a feast and drinks. That was the plan. Fang Xu could barely handle more than two sips of alcohol, but he could eat a restaurant’s entire supply of pork with only a little help from his favorite junior brother. Right now, the two of them should be at one of their favorite stalls, practically inhaling the dumpling sauce. Instead, they were camping out behind General’s Shrine with a silence settled in between them that felt tense -- at least it did to Nansong.
“Buddy, it’s already dead,” Fang Xu suddenly snorted as he gestured towards Nansong’s portion of uneaten fish.
The young master hadn’t realized that even muscle memory had failed him. Though he would sulk after a harsh scolding from his aunt and uncle, Nansong would usually manage to feed himself while his mind preoccupied itself with the injustice. Tonight, he was apparently only able to manage staring at his food.
“I’m ok,” he said softly to his senior brother. “I’m just… angry now…”
This was the truth. As he thought of how he’d taken that detour instead of going straight to the General’s Shrine, his jaw tightened and the remnants of his appetite faded.
“Uncle Jiang taught me so much, but never about what the Jianghu was really like. I remember when he left. I tried to go too, but he told me that if I could get caught by my Aunt Han, I wasn’t ready for the Jianghu. The only thing I learned from that was how to sneak out. Maybe he never meant for me to be ready.”
“That old fox,” Fang Xu scoffed. “That aunt of yours is like a hawk. Getting around her watch takes real skills!”
“Well, it’s not like I was the best at it,” Nansong found himself chuckling as he played with his bracelet. “Poor Hong Xian. Her father even thought she was a scholar this one time, but it was just her having nightmares about all the texts my aunt made me copy as punishment!”
A chuckle was shared among them, followed by a sigh in unison. Fang Xu then used his own chopsticks to hold up fish for his companion to eat.
“You need your strength.”
The pit in his stomach had filled with sand, leaving very little room, even for a small meal of fish and rice. However, Nansong did his best for his senior brother’s sake. As he was finishing up, a sudden explosion and flashes of brilliant light in shades of pink, purple, and gold drew the attention of the duo towards the sky. Several whistles rapidly followed each other before the reports of the fireworks filled the sky with brilliant peach blossom designs.
“You should go celebrate,” Nansong said softly.
“I won’t go anywhere unless it’s to take you home.”
Strong arms settled around him in a tight embrace, suddenly melting away the remnants of the anger. This left behind the vulnerability. Nansong hid his face in Fang Xu’s chest, soaking his robes with tears that came on before they could be stopped.
“I can’t go. I’m hurting too much…”
Fang Xu held him tighter as he slowly walked them over to where they had set up for the night. There were two mats set up under the tree. The senior let go of the junior long enough to push them together. Then he took Nansong in his arms again and gently laid down so that the younger was on top of him with his head on his chest.
“Never again,” he said softly as he stroked the young wanderer’s back. “I will never let anyone else hurt you…”
Nansong had not been aware that there was anything else inside of him left to break until that moment. His sobs were raw and ugly, fueled by the fear of revealing secrets that would make Fang Xu change his tune if he heard them. The bath in the river hadn’t been enough to convince him that he was worthy of being held this way. The intrusive thoughts told him that he should pull away. Brother Fang cared so much about his reputation, believing that it needed to be spotless in order to become a famous hero. Yet, here he was allowing himself to be stained.
“Rest now so that you can heal,” Fang Xu spoke softly to him. “We’ll figure out everything in the morning. I’ll even carry you on my back to a healer if I have to.”
A healer -- he needed to see one for several reasons, most especially the escalating pain, but in this situation he only trusted Uncle Tian. How exhausting it would be to go all the way to the Evercare Clinic only to find that the uncle was away on yet another mysterious request.
Nansong didn’t think he would be able to sleep, especially with the pain. However, Fang Xu lured him with gentle strokes down his back. The scent of his beloved and the fluffiness of his coat certainly helped. His senior brother’s arms made him feel safe, and perhaps that was a bad thing. However, the events of the night and all of the emotion that had come with it finally took their toll, causing Nansong to fall asleep in his dearest Brother Fang’s arms.
Morning brought with it fresh dew and a cool breeze that Nansong found to be warded off by a thick blanket that he was curled up under. Fang Xu and the arms that had cradled him to sleep were gone, leaving behind a lump in the wanderer’s throat and an ache in his heart that was slowly succumbing to the void. He winced as he sat up and looked around, only to confirm that the person he was looking for had indeed left him behind. At least the fire was still here. The flames were going strong, further dispelling the chill of the morning air.
Nansong’s movements were careful as he folded up the blanket and began preparing his horse to leave. The lump in his throat was starting to become painful. However, he decided to accept this outcome. The road ahead would be long, but by now, he had gotten used to it.
There was no target destination in mind for him now. His horse trotted towards the banks of the river, and once there, he spent a few moments admiring the way the sun had painted ripples of gold across the surface. From there, he followed the rocky banks until he was somehow on the road again. The sight of bamboo ahead caused his jaw to tighten as he pulled the reins, directing the horse off of the beaten path and into the wild grass. Now he really didn’t know where he was going, but such is the life of a wanderer.
His head felt foggy and his heart felt numb. Only the burning ache, which continued to remind him of what happened, kept him from completely losing himself to apathy. As he passed a small patch of swaying bamboo, a white goat suddenly darted out and began to run in front of the horse, almost as if it was leading him. The horse snorted with annoyance, but Nansong gently patted his neck and directed him to follow. Eventually, that goat ran up a rocky cliff, but the wanderer continued forward. They had come to a path that he could only remember traveling once, but not in this direction. It was during a time where he had started to wander the pathways of Qinghe just to see where the wind would take him. He still hadn’t seen all there was to see, for instance, he came upon a dock that he couldn’t remember.
The smell of cooking fish was the first thing that drew him in. An old fisherman was preparing a stew for himself and a merchant just across the road from the dock. On the other side, two little girls with identical faces were playing on crates while another old fisherman was casting off. On the rocks nearby, a pretty Lone Cloud Jiejie seemed to be so lost in contemplation that he thought it better not to bother her. He stopped only long enough for his horse to have a drink while he spoke to the girls, Pretty Qiao and Naughty Qiao.
“My sister is sleeping,” said Naughty Qiao, despite the fact that the other little girl was clearly wide awake. “Don’t wake her!”
“Have you seen my sister?” Pretty Qiao asked. The other girl was right there.
Instead of making him annoyed, it reminded him of the days where he would pester adults with his questions and tricks along with his own partner in crime. His fingers gently slid beneath the red-thread bracelet on his wrist as the numbness began to fail him. That pain was the worst, and he was not sure if he was handling it right or not. He had plenty of money now, but he couldn’t buy her pine candy. Uncle Jiang had told him he was not ready for the Jianghu, and he had been right. Even so, the Jianghu had found him and Hong Xian…
Nansong opened his eyes, unable to remember when he’d even closed them. His horse had started to graze on the nearby grass, but now it looked up at him as if to say, “Shall we go?”, and he nodded as if their unspoken conversation were real. Then he mounted the steed and trotted off.
The morning sun climbed high into its afternoon position as he followed the road, which became steep as it took him up a cliff that overlooked a majestic waterfall. He passed under a bridge that went to an island with a towering rock formation at the center. This was part of the Palace of Annals. He’d been there once in real life and once in a dream. Yi Dao’s sword was currently carefully locked away back in Kaifeng -- he’d worried about taking it with him when he went drinking. How ironic.
As he rolled his eyes, they suddenly caught a glimpse of a familiar coat with a long strip of fur on the back, and he sped up. Getting closer, his heart sank, but he didn’t slow his approach. As he passed the Well of Heaven Shijie, he called a greeting and managed to smile, but the friendly expression left his face as soon as they parted.
That coat was everywhere on this road. Shi Jingtian was here, as always, preparing to capture bandits. They had become friends after he’d helped once, but now, Nansong could only spare the Well of Heaven disciple a wave as he passed. His heart was restless now, and pear flower petals on the wind were leading him to the place that had been his destination all along, whether he knew it or not.
The flames had destroyed almost everything, but it had touched neither the tranquil beauty of the lotus pond nor the majesty of the giant pear tree. He climbed the thick trunk as high as he could go without the blossoms obscuring his view. As he looked out over the village, something in his heart tightened.
“You’re the one who wanted to come here,” he whispered as if speaking to his own heart. “So let’s see it through…”
Nansong slid down from the tree and mounted his horse again. Then he followed the path along the winding river, hearing the falling petals crunch beneath the hooves of his steed as they headed towards what he knew would be a devastating sight, no matter how many times he looked upon it. The buildings reduced to smoldering embers, the once crystal clear waterways that would sparkle under the sunlight. They were now cloudy and thickened by mud and ash in some places. His heart ached at the weeping of children who were left behind by both parents but were too stubborn to be taken in by others. Why did he come here?
Maybe it was because his heart knew…
There was that coat again, lingering near the smoldering ruins of what used to be the inn. Nansong jumped down from his mount, and before he could compose himself, his legs were moving on their own, running at a speed that might even impress his horse. Strong arms wrapped around him tightly and lifted him from the ground, causing the whole world to spin. Then he was dipped down and warm lips were pressed against his. He kissed back as if the world had disappeared, parting his lips so that he could taste the only wine that rivaled Parting Tears. When he was finally allowed to pull away, he was breathless and the world had returned, but it was still spinning.
“Brother Fang,” he whispered. “People saw…”
“Let them see,” Fang Xu spoke softly as he caressed his cheek. “This is the beginning of our legend, at least for them.”
“What are you saying?”
Eyes like glowing embers searched Fang Xu’s gentle brown eyes while the senior brother smiled for a brief moment before turning serious. His hand was taken, and Nansong’s breath stilled as his senior spoke to him.
“My mistake was that after every time you visited me, I’d let you go. From now on, if you go, WE go.”
Nansong was speechless. Only now was he seeing the flame red stallion grazing just behind Fang Xu. The ember eyes filled with tears even though their owner was also smiling.
“How did you know?”
“I didn’t,” Fang Xu shook his head and then blushed as he rubbed the back of his neck. “But I prayed to the wind. Looks like it heard me.”
Nansong took Fang Xu’s hand and then grabbed the reins of his horse with the other, waiting for his companion to do the same.
“There’s some things about me that you should know. I’ve always been… different.”
“I know,” Fang Xu said softly. “I saw you back then, looking so pretty. For you, I was just another rich kid with his merchant dad at the First Jar Banquet. But me? I’ve been helpless since the first time I looked into your eyes. So… where will you take me?”
“Everywhere,” Nansong said softly. “From now on, if I go, we go.”
After sealing their promise with one last kiss, the couple mounted their horses and began to ride with no destination in mind, trusting that they would find a grand adventure together wherever the wind would take them.