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The concept of family felt foreign to Ilya most of the time.
He sometimes found himself forgetting how warm family could be. He still remembered how his mother embraced him, how her hugs had always been a safe place for him. Even with all the sadness she seemed to be carrying with her, she always made sure that Ilya felt how loved he was.
God, how he missed her.
He missed the warmth he used to carry in his chest when his mom came to watch him play hockey. How she’d tell him how proud she was.
“я горжусь тобой” she’d say.
Ilya still remembers how much he used to smile around her. He was so happy as a kid that his cheeks hurt most of the time when he was around her. That’s why, when his mom passed away, Ilya had felt the loss in his whole body, like someone had decided to stab him in the chest and leave him to die, bleeding out on the sidewalk.
He still felt it to this day. It was the ache in his heart every time he thought of her, it was the pain he tried to push down when her birthday came around. But when Ilya remembered his mother, he did not think of the sadness he could see in her eyes when she was alive. He didn’t think of her body lying down on the bed, of how much seeing her lifeless eyes stare back at him had left him traumatized.
He thought of her laugh, how beautiful it was to hear. He’d think of how beautiful she had been, how kind. He only tried to remember the good parts. She had been his favorite person, and Ilya would spend the rest of his life missing her.
He hadn’t felt what family felt like after she died.
Or at least he had thought so.
Until he had met Shane. His Shane, with his beautiful freckles and his pretty smile. Ilya hadn’t been prepared for how being loved by Shane felt. He often found himself overwhelmed by how much love he had for this man.
But mostly, he felt overwhelmed by how right it felt. He always felt at home in Shane’s arms, and he wanted to stay in that warmth forever if he could. He loved those slow mornings with him, waking up in each other’s arms, making breakfast side by side, playing on the ice with him, and he loved how much Shane showed that he cared.
Shane was family to Ilya, and he would have been happy with how things were if they stayed the same for the rest of his life.
That’s why Ilya had been confused when David called him, one random tuesday morning before the hockey season began.
Ilya had stared at his phone, completely confused, for a good 30 seconds.
“Hello?” Ilya had answered then, tone wary, russian accent slightly peeking out.
“Hello Ilya, how are you doing?” he heard David speak through the phone.
Panic took possession of Ilya. His brain automatically thinking of the worst possible scenarios.
“Is Shane okay?”, “What happened?” Ilya spoked through the receiver rapidly.
A confused David answered him: “What?”
They both stayed silencious for a few seconds, before David spoke again.
“Ilya… nothing happened.” he reassured.
Ilya was confused.
“I just wanted to see how you were doing?”
Ilya felt his throat close up. He struggled to swallow before answering.
“Oh” he gathered his thoughts “I’m doing good actually, what about you?”
“I’m doing good too, thanks for asking.” he paused “Are you excited for the hockey season to start again?”
Ilya smiled softly before answering: “Yes, I will win cup this season you will see”
David chuckled softly at him. “Well, I'm rooting for you!”
Ilya’s brain blanked for a second. And he found himself grasping for words that he seemed to have forgotten.
“Thank you” Ilya finally answered.
David continued, “Also, I found a new puzzle we can do together next week at diner, I’ll think you’ll like this one.”
Ilya felt this unexplainable feeling settle in his chest. The warmth made him feel giddy.
“What is it about?” Ilya asked, hoping David hadn’t noticed how his voice broke with emotion when he started speaking.
“Oh, it’s some kind of bird, I forgot how they’re called.” he answered, “you’ve probably seen one before and just don’t remember it, we’ve got lots of those in Canada.”
Ilya felt his heart speed up a little, then he asked, carefully “A loon?”
“Yes!” David exclaimed, “That’s what they’re called!”
Ilya turned around slightly, and caught sight of himself in the mirror on the wall. The soft smile on his face made him stop in his track. Happiness felt unfamiliar to him, and he felt tears start to well up in his eyes.
“I’ll pass the phone to Yuna, she keeps looking at me since you answered” he laughed softly.
Ilya did not trust his voice in that moment, so he simply hummed.
On the other side of the phone, he could hear some shuffling, until Yuna’s voice reached the phone.
“Ilya!” she started, “how are you doing dear?”
Ilya managed to answer, “Good,” he felt his throat close up, “how are you doing?”.
Yuna had probably heard his voice falter at the end, because she started rambling, letting him take a few deep breaths.
“... and I also think we should go to that new shop that opened! It’s really great, they’ve got tons of new stuff, I’ve already made provisions on mochis and I even found some snacks from Russia! Can you believe it?”
She continued, “I don’t know if you’ll like them, but you can try them next time, and if they’re bad we can go back together and buy some other snacks.” Ilya could hear the smile in her voice, “What do you think?”
It was so sudden, Ilya had no way to stop it. He felt the tension in his throat, and tears gathered in his eyes, and then he was crying.
As his tears fell down, Yuna said nothing. She didn’t hang up. Instead, she stayed on the phone with him, and let him fall apart.
He dropped to the floor, and lifted his hand to his face to muffle his tears.
“Ilya…” Yuna muttered slowly.
“Sorry” Ilya said through tears, voice raw with emotion.
“Oh no” Yuna stopped him, “You’ve got nothing to be sorry about.”
Ilya’s tears doubled in intensity, and he put his face in his arms.
“Shh…” he could hear Yuna mutter through the receiver, she stayed there until his tears stopped and his chest stopped feeling so heavy. She waited patiently, not saying anything, but still reassuring with her presence, and waited for Ilya to speak first.
“I’ve never had” he sniffled softly, ”someone call me to ask how I’m doing” Ilya said.
“Oh, my dear” Yuna answered, and the sadness in her voice made Ilya feel cared for.
He heard David shuffle closer to the receiver, “Well now you’ve got us”
Ilya smiled soflty, sniffling a little.
“I’m sorry”
“Don’t be” Yuna told him immediately, “that’s what family’s for”
Ilya’s was silent for a moment.
...
“Family?” he asked, voice small in uncertainty.
He felt tears well up in his eyes again, but this time an hopeful smile took place on his face.
“Yes” Yuna answered, “Family”
Ilya closed his eyes for a moment, and let himself enjoy the warmth in his chest for a moment. “Thank you” he whispered into the receiver.
“No, thank you, ” she retorted, “for being in ours and Shane’s life.”
Ilya hummed softly, unable to find words to describe how he felt.
“You’re a good person, Ilya” David added.
They stayed in a comfortable silence for a moment.
“Try to get some rest okay?” Yuna said, “You’ve got an early practice tomorrow”
“I will”
“We’ll see you next week okay?” she continued, “I’ll make that salmon you like.”
“I can’t wait” Ilya answered.
They hung up, and Ilya’s chest was so full of warmth he felt dizzy because of it.
Shane had been more then he’d ever hoped for in his life, that Ilya never thought to wish for more. The feeling of belonging, of having a family again, was everything to Ilya. He felt at home, and he never wanted that to change ever again.
That night, he fell asleep, soft smile on his face. And he hoped that his mom was watching over him from where she was.