Archive of Our Own

“Can’t believe our folks left for the cabin without us.  School wasn’t lettin’ out that much later today.  Now we gotta take the stupid train.  What a load of bullshit.  Total BS.”  Yoshiki Tsujinaka heard Hikaru ranting next to him as they took the long, crowded train to the lodge where their families always spent the winter holidays together. 

He couldn’t help but recall taking this route last year too as he stared out the window behind his seat.  He aimlessly watched the snow covered fields pass by as Hikaru continued to run his mouth.  These sights and sounds were familiar, too.  But nothing was the same as it was then.  Everything was different now. 

Yoshiki lifelessly glanced around the train, finding many familiar faces from last year.  He had never talked with any of the people aboard, but they appeared so frequently here that he felt like he knew them to some extent.  So much of it was the same.  The same grouchy people stressed from the holiday rush, the loud squeaking of the train breaks, the snow covered grasslands passing by.  It was all the same. 

And then there was him. 

“This place always smells so funny…and it’s cold, too.  Hope we make it to the cabin soon.”  Hikaru continued to complain as he guardedly watched people walk down the aisle of the train cab. 

Yoshiki remembered that people wandering freely about the train while it was moving was something that bothered his best friend.  It was something that he mentioned every year, saying that it was dangerous and those people would inevitably cause an accident on board.  But this boy wasn’t his best friend.  This boy wasn’t Hikaru.  To say that this was even a boy was a stretch. 

This thing…it was Hikaru…but it wasn’t.  It sounded just like him, looked just like him, talked just like him, moved just like him…even smelt just like him.  But it wasn’t…and Yoshiki could tell that.  The truth was…Hikaru was gone, trapped in last year’s never-ending winter.  He wouldn’t return from the mountains he set foot in.  Yoshiki did everything in his power not to think about that too deeply right now.  He didn’t want to end up a mess before he reached his parents.  They expected him to bring the jolly, holiday spirit.  Maybe it was better that Hikaru brought it instead. 

He dejectedly slid his gaze towards his friend next to him.  To everyone else, nothing had changed.  The boy next to him was just the same old Hikaru their friends and family knew and loved.  To an extent, he forced himself to play pretend and believe that too.  But when the two of them were alone, he dropped the act without a second thought.  They were both painfully aware that this wasn’t Hikaru, not the Hikaru he grew up with.  Despite that, his heart remained mildly at ease whenever Hikaru was around.  Still, he couldn’t let go.  For every inch of comfort he felt in finding Hikaru next to him, he felt a deeper part of his heart writhe in agony.  He missed Hikaru Indo…so much. 

“Why do we gotta spend the holidays at the same place every year anyway?”  Hikaru wondered, as if he too had spent all of his holidays at the cabin.  They were around others they had encountered before, so it wasn’t like Yoshiki expected him to say otherwise.  As a result, he could only force out a textbook response. 

“It’s tradition…”  He quietly informed the incognito newcomer, who huffed out a heavy sigh. 

“Well…at least we get to spend it together.”  Hikaru optimistically reminded Yoshiki with a big, cheesy smile.  It looked all too familiar, and Yoshiki couldn’t make out if it made him happy…or brought him more pain.  This was all so complicated. 

“Yeah…”  He only chose to breathe out, though giving Hikaru’s comment more thought. 

It would be the first time he spent the holiday season with Hikaru.  Maybe it’d be nice to show him why their families loved to escape here.  It was a nice getaway from their everyday lives.  Yoshiki figured he could definitely use that right now.  Truly…an escape from reality sounded nice. 

Yoshiki looked up as a rather large shadow was cast over him.  There was a man carrying a bucket of chicken around, looking for a new place to sit now that he had lost his old spot due to getting up the first time.  There was a wide enough space next to Yoshiki, who figured he knew what was coming next by the way the man was eying him down.  He let out a tiny sigh of defeat under his breath, accepting that he’d be enduring the smell of fried chicken for the rest of the ride to the lodge.  Then he noticed the judgmental look in Hikaru’s eyes.  It didn’t seem like he liked that scenario too much. 

In a split second, Hikaru slid over as close as possible to Yoshiki.  Now, there was no room for anyone to sit between them and Yoshiki had to wonder if his personal space had been invaded.  Somehow, he didn’t mind it too much when it was Hikaru.  The man with the chicken kept moving in disappointment, looking to find another victim to annoy his smell and sloppiness with. 

“Woah, that was almost bad.  Didn’t want to have to suffer the rest of this ride with a big ol’ barrier between us.”  Hikaru commented closely to Yoshiki in a lower voice so that the passenger wouldn’t hear them.  Their minimal proximity left their shoulders touching, and Yoshiki found himself distracted the closer Hikaru’s mouth came to his ear. 

“I don’t want anyone next to ya but me.”  Hikaru possessively whispered, though with a hint of sweetness to his tone. 

Yoshiki wasn’t sure if he could find it as a red flag.  An overly possessive Hikaru could be dangerous…but maybe he sort of liked that possessiveness.  Maybe that was because…he was slightly possessive of Hikaru, too.  He didn’t want the wrong person coming into contact with him. 

Feeling slightly rattled by the comment and too wary to look anywhere else, Yoshiki leaned his head back against the window and closed his eyes.  Being this close to Hikaru only brought back a flood of memories from last winter’s train ride.

“This sucks!  How’d we end up on here so late that they’re no seats left?!”  Hikaru grumbled as he tightly gripped onto the hand strap from the ceiling of the train. 

“Just be happy we made it on at all.”  Yoshiki reminded him, earning a rather dramatic sigh from his best friend. 

“This place is so crowded.  Don’t know if I even have ‘nough space to pull out my camera.  Think I forgot to charge it.”  Hikaru whined as he attempted to unzip his bag amidst the hustling and bustling of people. 

“Will ya put that away?  Someone could steal somethin’ from ya.”  Yoshiki quietly ordered Hikaru out of worry, though his words didn’t seem to sway his friend’s mind. 

“But I gotta check to see if I need batteries.”  He explained to Yoshiki, who really didn’t understand why that needed to be done at this exact minute. 

“Check it later.”  He suggested, Hikaru finally rolling his eyes in defeat. 

“Alright, fine.”  He agreed, trying his best to shove everything in his bag back down to zip it shut.  As he carefully placed it over his shoulder once more, someone stepped back and elbowed him in the process. 

Hikaru stumbled forward with a slightly audible gasp, causing Yoshiki to impulsively grab him before he fell to the floor.  Hikaru looked up at him with slightly wide eyes, causing Yoshiki’s heartrate to spike.  They were so close…close enough for him to feel Hikaru’s heavy breath against his skin.  He had never really had Hikaru in his arms like this, even under such a circumstance.  He liked it too much…the feeling of holding Hikaru so tightly. 

“Woah…my hero.”  Hikaru joked about the save, though Yoshiki wondered if he could feel himself going red in the face.  As a result, he turned his head away from his friend and kept it lowered to keep his face hidden behind his long bangs. 

“Be more careful from now on…”  He lightly instructed Hikaru, who didn’t seem to care too much about the warning. 

“Seems like I don’t need to be, as long as yer ‘round.”  Hikaru nonchalantly pointed out, choosing to keep a hold of Yoshiki rather than the hand strap on the ceiling.  Was he not embarrassed by the flood of people around to judge them? 

Despite how hot his face was or how hard his heart was pounding, Yoshiki never let go of Hikaru either.  He wanted to keep his best friend safe from everyone else who might harm him.  As a result, the rest of their comfortable ride was spent in an embrace.

Yoshiki dejectedly stared down at the picture in his hands, which featured him and his family…along with Hikaru and his family.  This was taken a couple of years back, but Yoshiki recalled it like it was yesterday.  His parents were on better terms than they were now, and his father was able to place his arm around his mother with ease and a smile.  Hikaru’s mother was in the process of chuckling at her energetic son as the picture was taken, though that didn’t make her image any less flattering.  Even if Yoshiki’s smile was small in the photo, he only remembered being filled joy.  He was only ever filled with joy when he was close to Hikaru.  He wished…that he could turn back time to this moment. 

He delicately sat the framed picture back onto its table in the hallway of the cabin before slowly making his way towards the kitchen.  He watched from the doorway as his mother and Hikaru’s were making some food for dinner, while his sister Kaoru was being pestered by Hikaru.  Kaoru’s cheeks puffed out into a pout as Hikaru gently ruffled her hair with a giggle and a bright grin.  Yoshiki had a feeling that his friend had been teasing his little sister in good fun as he often did, with no real intent to hurt her feelings.  Even though Kaoru was pouting, the hint of red tinting her cheeks indicated that she might have enjoyed the attention on her. 

The wholesome sight brought a faint smile to Yoshiki’s face.  He nor Kaoru had ever been the type to smile much.  He had only ever dreamed that he’d someday find someone who could make them both smile happily. 

Eventually, Hikaru’s eyes caught sight of Yoshiki’s on him.  With a warm smile and inviting eyes, Hikaru beckoned for Yoshiki to come closer.  Yoshiki felt his heart skip a beat for one reason or another, though his body moved impulsively anyway.  His footsteps led him into the kitchen and to Hikaru’s side, where his friend continued to wear a mildly alluring smile. 

“I’m havin’ so much fun right now.”  He contently whispered into Yoshiki’s ear before waltzing out of the room. 

Yoshiki’s eyes followed him out, though words failed to leave his mouth.  It put him at ease…that Hikaru was enjoying himself here, too.  After all, this was his first time having a family outing for the holidays.  In fact…it was likely his first time having a family at all. 

“What did Hikaru say to ya just now?”  Kaoru nosily wondered, probably assuming that it was something about her. 

“Nothin’ concernin’ you.”  He assured her, though failing to elaborate further.  It wouldn’t have been a crime for her to hear what Hikaru had voiced.  There was nothing out of the ordinary about it to the average ear…but Yoshiki knew of the deeper meaning those words held. 

“Yoshiki, how was the train ride up here?  Hope it wasn’t too crowded for ya.”  Mrs. Indo thoughtfully questioned, Yoshiki silently bringing his right hand to his left shoulder.  It felt more crowded than usual, having Hikaru practically glued to his side.  But he didn’t dislike it…the lingering feeling of Hikaru’s warm shoulder resting against his. 

“It wasn’t too bad…”  He timidly admitted, appearing to ease Mrs. Indo’s concerns. 

“Honey, can you go help your father set the table?  The food is almost ready.”  Mrs. Tsujinaka asked of her son, who nodded without a word.  He headed towards the main room with Kaoru in trail, even if she wasn’t asked to help. 

Rather than using a traditional dining table, the families always used a table on the floor in the main room to be closer to the big, beautiful tree present there.  It’s soft lighting often put Yoshiki into a state of tranquility as well, so he didn’t mind eating on the floor.  The men of the house and Kaoru finished setting the table while the two mothers brought out the food.  Everyone sat down and began passing out plates to fill up, and Yoshiki once more found Hikaru at his side.  It was familiar.  The seating arrangement often wasn’t the same each time the families ate here, but Hikaru always ended up at Yoshiki’s side.  He was glad to see that much remained unchanged…even if Hikaru was anything but the same. 

Yoshiki discretely blew his bangs out of his face to prevent them from falling into his soup bowl as he took a bite.  Unfortunately, the action hadn’t gone unnoticed around the table. 

“Yoshiki dear, why don’t ya just cut yer bangs to make yer life easier?”  Mrs. Indo lightly nagged, earning an inaudible sigh from Yoshiki.  He knew she was only speaking from a good place, but it still got under his skin any time someone brought this topic up. 

“Oh, leave him be.  We’ve been tryin’ for years.”  Mr. Tsujinaka sort of defended his son. 

“I like hidin’ my face…”  Yoshiki insecurely reminded his company as he focused on eating his food. 

“Yer so dramatic.  It ain’t that ugly.”  Kaoru possibly complimented him while simultaneously taking a jab at him. 

“It ain’t ugly at all!  Yoshiki’s got a handsome face.”  Hikaru declared quite proudly as he shared a piece of his meat with Kaoru next to him. 

Yoshiki kept his head low and his reddening face shielded behind his dark locks.  He wished Hikaru would think before going and saying a thing like that. 

“You blushin’?”  Kaoru questioned as she attempted to sneak a peek at her brother’s face, which lit up even further. 

“Eat yer vegetables, Kaoru…”  He lightly ordered, begging for the attention to be turned off of him.  

The comment earned some snickers around the table, which only brought more embarrassment into Yoshiki’s stomach.  If that wasn’t enough, Hikaru lightly ruffled his hair, letting his fingers carefully pull back Yoshiki’s long locks for just a moment.  A pleased smile crossed the mischievous devil’s face, as if the sight of Yoshiki so flushed satisfied him for some reason.  Yoshiki slid his hand over his stomach as his hair dropped back into his face.  It felt like butterflies were fluttering around inside of him. 

“Oh!  We should grab our checklist from last winter and do something off of it.  I know we had a movie on there we all wanted to watch.  We could go out and make snow angels after this, too.”  Mrs. Tsujinaka enthusiastically suggested, earning looks of approval from around the table.  Yoshiki quietly kept to himself as he noticed the slightly puzzled look on Hikaru’s face. 

“Right…our checklist.”  The newcomer reiterated, trying his best to recall something he was previously so excited about.  It once more became obvious to Yoshiki that he wasn’t Hikaru.  Any feeling in his stomach burned to ashes.  God…he missed Hikaru so damn much. 

“I think I’m just gonna stay inside for now.  My stomach’s botherin’ me…”  He informed his family in a low voice as he cleaned up his empty dishes. 

“Oh come on, Yoshiki; was it somethin’ we said?”  Mrs. Indo questioned, though Yoshiki wasn’t entirely sure that was the reason he was seeking solitude. 

“Naw…I just feel sick…”  He admitted, a hint of the pain he was struggling with seeping out into those words. 

“You don’t got a fever, do ya?”  Hikaru lightly worried, taking the dishes from Yoshiki’s hands to put them away for him. 

“That’s not the problem…”  Yoshiki quietly replied, once more sliding his hand over his stomach as he stood in the middle of the main room.  Now he was starting to feel queasy for some reason.  Maybe he was just working himself up over nothing…or possibly everything. 

“You should take some of your medicine, Yoshiki.  It might help.”  His mother suggested, though Hikaru came back over and briefly placed his hand to his forehead anyway. 

“Yer mama’s right!  It don’t seem like you got a fever, but I can’t have ya gettin’ sick on me.  We’re supposed to be havin’ fun up here, right?”  He reminded Yoshiki, who felt a slight sense of guilt for not having the energy to enjoy his time here with his friend.  Even so, he was thankful for Hikaru’s concern…and the smile he always wore despite how difficult things were for them.  He appreciated Hikaru’s existence more than words could say. 

“Oh…yer under a mistletoe.”  Kaoru nonchalantly pointed out, quickly earning Yoshiki’s panicked eyes.  Sure enough, he looked up to find a mistletoe above his head…and Hikaru’s.  He quickly felt his heartbeat picking up pace. 

“Ya’ll know what that means!”  Mrs. Indo reminded the two boys, though it appeared that only one of them understood the magnitude of what was being discussed. 

“Huh?”  Hikaru obliviously blurted out as the families oohed them. 

“It means you gotta kiss!”  Mrs. Tsujinaka excitedly informed the clueless boy, whose eyes naturally widened. 

“No, Mom.  That’s weird.”  Yoshiki hastily shot down the idea before his heart exploded.  The idea of his lips touching the boy in front of him…it messed with his head. 

“Oh, come on.  Yer friends, Yoshiki.  It’s just a joke in good fun.”  His father defended his mother for a change, Yoshiki feeling his food turn over in his stomach.  He was really expected to do this for the sake of a stupid tradition, wasn’t he? 

“But he’s a guy…”  He reminded his parents, who he assumed were just as narrowminded as everyone else in Kubitachi. 

“That matters?”  Hikaru abruptly wondered with a curious look in his eyes, as if he genuinely couldn’t see the bigger picture. 

Those soft spoken words with a pure look like that softened Yoshiki’s heart for just a moment.  It might not have been a good thing…to let out an opinion like that in front of so many people, even if they were family.  But Hikaru was clueless to this world’s judgment, and that was something that deeply comforted Yoshiki in the moment. 

The families started chanting ‘kiss’, leaving Yoshiki only to stare at his oblivious friend.  Hikaru looked so confused; it was sort of endearing.  It wasn’t the most familiar look Yoshiki had seen on him, and maybe that was what forced his body to move.  He couldn’t kiss Hikaru.  But this wasn’t Hikaru. 

Amidst the chanting, Yoshiki quickly pecked Hikaru’s lips.  Their mothers laughed and squealed at the sight, while Kaoru only looked confused.  Even Mr. Tsujinaka simply laughed it off.  Despite everyone finding no harm in it, Yoshiki was left uncomfortable with Hikaru’s very wide eyes.  It seemed like he wasn’t actually expecting to get the kiss, despite what he said before.  It appeared to stun him, causing Yoshiki to partially cover his own face in shame.  God…what did he just do?  He really just kissed Hikaru, didn’t he? 

All of the sudden, he was hit with an onslaught of memories from last winter…when Hikaru was alive.  He could feel himself coming apart at the seams.  He ran out of the room and down the hall, leaving the two families puzzled. 

“Yoshiki, where are ya goin’?”  Mrs. Indo wondered, though Yoshiki didn’t bother to look back. 

“Yoshiki?”  He heard Hikaru faintly call out for him, though he proceeded to shut himself up in the cabin’s library room. 

“Leave him be for now.  He doesn’t feel well.  Let’s just go outside for a while and check on him when we come back in.”  He heard his mother vouch for his space, something he appreciated even if he couldn’t say it out loud. 

He leaned his back to the door, letting out an intensely distressed sigh.  He couldn’t hold himself together anymore.  No matter how hard he tried not to think about it tonight…it kept coming back to him every second he was in this place.  He couldn’t forget it…Hikaru’s declaration from last winter.

“Hey, why do ya think everyone gives away the heart they were given for Christmas the next day?”  Hikaru wondered in a pout as he admired the tree ornaments in his hands. 

“That’s just a song.”  Yoshiki reminded him as he hung the ornaments on the tree in the cabin’s main room. 

He wondered why he was always left to do this alone while their parents cooked.  Couldn’t Kaoru help out instead of just pestering their mom?  And Hikaru, he was supposed to be helping but…well, random things like crossed his mind at inconvenient times.  What a pain. 

“It ain’t just a song!  Every girl I’ve given my heart to right before Christmas never keeps it.  She’s always with another feller the following week.  What’s wrong with me?!”  Hikaru shared his woes, putting a sting into Yoshiki’s tight chest.  He didn’t like hearing about the girls Hikaru crushed on. 

“Nothin’.  Women are just picky like that.”  He relayed his opinion on the matter as he remained focused on the ornaments Hikaru handed him. 

“Well…if I don’t give out my heart before then, maybe I should just give it to you next Christmas.”  Hikaru abruptly declared, nearly sending Yoshiki into a state of shock. 

“Huh?!”  He exclaimed, partially ripping the garland off the tree by accident.  Hikaru only chuckled at him with one of those big, cheesy smiles. 

“Why shouldn’t I wanna give it to someone who I know will keep it safe?”  He proclaimed, Yoshiki immediately going red in the face. 

This couldn’t be real.  He couldn’t have heard that right.  But the more Hikaru spoke, the more he couldn’t tell if it was a joke or not. 

“Yep, it’s settled!  If all else fails, my heart is yers next Christmas!”  Hikaru announced, Yoshiki pulling the garland closer to his chest so that his rapid breathing wasn’t as visible. 

“Quit jokin’ ‘round…”  He timidly begged, choosing to ignore the comment as he rewrapped the garland around the tree. 

Rather than admit it was a joke, Hikaru only giggled at him before handing him more ornaments.  Yoshiki continued to decorate the tree with a flushed face he desperately attempted to hide.  He figured he’d be dreaming about that declaration for a year until he had an answer to its legitimacy.

Yoshiki forcefully squeezed his head as tears rapidly poured out of his eyes.  He had been dreaming about that conversation for a year…thinking about it every waking minute he breathed.  All he wondered was whether or not it was a joke…or if it was meant to be something real.  Would Hikaru really have settled for someone like him?  Now he’d never know…because Hikaru left this world only one month after that conversation.  Yet he was still here…trapped thinking about the winter they shared last year.  He never thought it’d be their last one together.  He was so lonely and cold right now. 

His weak legs forced him to sink to the floor as he attempted to keep his sobbing to a minimum.  He tightly squeezed at the shirt that covered his broken heart.  He was in agony right now.  Why?  Why did Hikaru have to die?  Why was he still stuck here alone?  He wished…they could have gone together.  He wanted to follow Hikaru wherever he went, regardless of how far they strayed from everyone else.  Maybe that’s why it hurt so bad to never have an answer to that declaration from last winter.  He didn’t want to give his own heart away so easily…but Hikaru had stolen it from him without even realizing it.  He wasn’t sure…if it was ever given back to him.  He had felt hollow ever since Hikaru died.  He wasn’t sure…if he could ever love anything again. 

His dropped guard allowed entry into the room, causing him to look up with tear-stained eyes.  Thankfully, it was Hikaru, who likely understood where his grief was coming from.  He shut the door back and locked it to give them privacy before squatting down to Yoshiki in the dark.  Without a word, he took Yoshiki’s face and gently wiped his tears.  His hands were surprisingly warm and felt nice upon Yoshiki’s cold skin.  But he felt bad for Hikaru, who also only ever craved warmth.  He probably wouldn’t get that here from him. 

“Everyone’s kinda worried about you, ya know.  I told ‘em I’d stay behind inside and look after ya.”  Hikaru informed Yoshiki as he moved over to light the fireplace to give them some light and heat. 

“You don’t have to do that…”  He weakly assured Hikaru, even if he wanted him to stay deep down.  The truth was…he didn’t really want to be alone right now.  He had been alone for too long. 

After lighting the fireplace, Hikaru carefully pulled Yoshiki closer to it to keep him warm.  Yoshiki wiped his eyes as they sat in silence for a while, trying his best to compose himself a little.  He felt guilty whenever Hikaru saw him break down.  He didn’t want to make him feel like it was somehow his fault. 

Even if he didn’t think so, Hikaru had brought Yoshiki a great deal of comfort just by being here.  He didn’t think he could have stomached it, coming here this winter by himself.  Hikaru was sweet for taking care of him even when he didn’t need to.  Yoshiki was aware of how adored he was by Hikaru, even if they didn’t discuss it too much.  He was grateful for it.  They only had each other.  Sometimes…that was enough. 

“Kaoru asked me somethin’ kinda funny earlier.  She wondered if kissin’ ya felt weird because yer a guy.”  Hikaru made conversation with a touchy subject like it was nothing, leaving Yoshiki a bit uncomfortable. 

“Just ignore her…”  He suggested, insecurely pulling his knees to his chest. 

“I said, ‘not really’.”  Hikaru replied, Yoshiki beginning to feel uneasy.  He probably shouldn’t have said that.  It could have been dangerous. 

“A kiss is a kiss, right?  I don’t think it felt any different just because yer a guy.  It’s not like I have anythin’ to compare it off of though.”  Hikaru explained, Yoshiki once more reminded that he was anything but human.  It was probably true that every kiss felt the same to him.  For some odd reason…Yoshiki wished that there would have been a slight difference between people though.  Was it wrong…for him to want his kiss to feel distinguishable to Hikaru? 

“You probably don’t need to go kissin’ anyone else…”  He quietly suggested, though unsure of why he found such a thing slipping out of his mouth.  Maybe…he was a bit more possessive than he thought.  The comment seemed to put a small smile on Hikaru’s lips, but it didn’t remain there too long. 

“You were cryin’ when I came in…”  He solemnly reminded Yoshiki, who only remained mute as he stared into the flames beside them.  “Were ya thinkin’ ‘bout him?” 

It would have been nice if the question hadn’t come up.  Despite their circumstances, Yoshiki didn’t like the mention of Hikaru whenever they were together.  He wanted to remain composed.  He didn’t want to fall apart in front of Hikaru.  Unfortunately, Hikaru was a curious being oblivious to most human emotions.  Therefore, he often spoke his mind without a second thought.  A part of Yoshiki felt that it was for the best that curiosity was voiced outwardly.  But a selfish part of him wished that he’d just remain quiet on this subject…the subject of Hikaru. 

“Yeah…always.”  He eventually admitted, pain evident in his voice. 

The truth seemed to dishearten Hikaru for one reason or another, maybe out of guilt.  Or maybe he was just disappointed that Yoshiki consistently thought of someone else whenever they were together.  Yoshiki didn’t think that was something he could help.  There was no use in fighting what couldn’t be unseen or unheard.  Hikaru kept his mouth shut, but his sympathetic eyes on Yoshiki prompted the dark haired boy to voice what had been replaying in his mind for the past four seasons. 

“Last winter…Hikaru told me that if he failed to find anyone to give his heart to this year, he’d give it to me this winter.  Never could quite tell if he was jokin’ or not…and I’ve just been thinkin’ ‘bout that all this time.”  He dejectedly explained, feeling a sting of pain strike his heart as he watched the flames flicker in and out.  “Wish I knew…if he was serious…or just foolin’ ‘round like the kid he was…” 

Hikaru loved to joke around, to tease Yoshiki with words he knew would rile him up.  He was into girls that looked like heroines of shonen manga…and he couldn’t even pronounce the word ‘homosexual’ for quite some time.  Calling Yoshiki his ‘hero’ on the train was just a taunt.  But holding onto him for the rest of the ride was not.  Hikaru wasn’t bothered by their clinginess in public, despite some whispering around them.  He appeared content in Yoshiki’s embrace, making it apparent that he was reliant on their closeness. 

Yoshiki thought about it often…about how Hikaru would frequently make jokes about staying over at Yoshiki’s future apartment in the city so much that he’d never be able to bring a girl home because he’d always be there.  No matter where he went, it seemed like Hikaru would always be there.  That’s why he couldn’t tell…if Hikaru was just joking back then or…if he was trying to say something more.  Did Hikaru really want to give him his heart? 

He couldn’t stop thinking about that train ride earlier that day.  They were closer in that moment than they had ever been…and Yoshiki recalled it vividly even now.  He could still feel it…the warmth from Hikaru’s arms wrapped around his waist.  He could still feel Hikaru’s fingertips occasionally tugging at the back of his shirt when the train jolted everyone in a halt.  And he could still feel Hikaru’s body pressed against his due to lack of space around them.  He figured he might die for it now…just to feel Hikaru’s touch on him one more time.  He didn’t know how to live without it. 

“You really loved him, huh?”  Hikaru assumed with a hint of melancholy, Yoshiki only able to let out a tiny scoff with despairing eyes. 

It hurt like hell to hear it voiced explicitly.  Even if it was true, he didn’t think he could say ‘yes’.  He couldn’t say it out loud…not to that face. 

“I don’t know if this means anythin’ or not…but this heart of his still beats because I’m inside of it.  It’s not like I’m usin’ it.  It’s really just for show.”  Hikaru tried to explain in a soft voice, earning Yoshiki’s eyes.  “Still…I’ve noticed that it sometimes beats faster…when I’m ‘round you.” 

There could have been little to make of Hikaru’s words, but Yoshiki’s blind love was screaming at him to believe that it meant something.  Hikaru’s declaration could have been true.  Or maybe it wasn’t.  Maybe Hikaru had more control over the heart than he thought, and his own feelings were causing it to beat faster for Yoshiki.  Regardless, the thought of Hikaru’s heart beating faster because of him…it was enough to make his own heart skip some beats.  His eyes widened just a little as Hikaru abruptly moved closer to him with a warm gaze. 

“I’m sorry that I can’t give ya his heart…and I can’t give ya his love.  But you can have my love, if ya want it.”  He apologetically proposed an alternative with a mildly infatuated tone, one that Yoshiki could feel seeping into the core of his being. 

He quickly recalled the argument they had during the summer on the shoreline of the beach.  He remembered hearing those words too clearly from Hikaru’s mouth…and they shut him down every time he heard them.  They didn’t mean much in a human sense.  Or maybe they were words so profound that they were beyond human understanding.  One way or another, Yoshiki craved hearing it…that he was loved by someone he cherished more than life itself. 

Before he could even think of a response, he found Hikaru placing a small kiss on his lips.  For a brief moment, everything faded to white noise.  There was no one else around to worry about.  There was nothing else to hear, to see, or to think about.  It was just him, Hikaru, and the crackling of this fire illuminating their darkness.  It was beautiful, and a little overwhelming.  Even if the feeling of Hikaru’s lips on him was brief…it might have been exhilarating. 

“Did I return that right?”  Hikaru innocently questioned in a whisper, Yoshiki momentarily wondering how someone so adorably clueless could be so dangerous.  Even if it was wrong, he wanted to taste another hit of that danger. 

He gently took a hold of Hikaru’s face and pulled him into a stronger kiss, one that was significantly deeper than the previous two they had shared.  He briefly worried that the drastic change might startle Hikaru, though that didn’t seem to be the case.  Hikaru returned the kiss just as passionately, even if he likely had no idea what a kiss like this might mean. 

Truthfully, maybe Yoshiki didn’t know what it meant either.  It could have been of ill-intent without him even realizing it…because he was suffering…because he was lonely…because he couldn’t stop drowning in thoughts of Hikaru.  Too much contact with Hikaru was threatening; Kurebayashi had warned him of that many times.  Even just a touch from Hikaru had left a permanent scar on his arm.  But for some strange reason…that didn’t bother him.  It didn’t keep him away from Hikaru.  He didn’t want to stay away from Hikaru.  Even if this kiss meant nothing, it still felt nice.  He liked the mutual connection he and Hikaru shared. 

“Guess that’s a ‘yes’, huh?”  Hikaru assumed under his breath as they momentarily separated, Yoshiki letting out a tiny scoff of embarrassment.  Had he made it too apparent that he liked a kiss from Hikaru?  That confidence booster could have been even more dangerous for him. 

The slightly intimidating look in Hikaru’s eyes was enticing, a trap he couldn’t avoid falling into.  He pressed another kiss onto Hikaru’s lips, one that was returned just as ardently.  To an extent, it puzzled Yoshiki.  Hikaru hardly understood human emotions and desires.  It was evident that the emotions and desires he felt were quite different from that of a human.  So why…why did he kiss with such passion?  Yoshiki wondered if it was maybe for his sake.  That thought might have lit a tiny fire inside of his repressed heart.  Was Hikaru trying to please or comfort him? 

He could feel his mind slipping the more entangled they became.  He felt Hikaru’s hand slide into his hair…and the touch somehow felt familiar even if he had never felt Hikaru’s hands on him in such a way prior to now.  He might die for this too…the feeling of being held so adoringly by Hikaru.  He wanted to be held more…and tighter. 

Without thinking about things too much, Yoshiki delicately pushed Hikaru to the floor.  The two tried to catch their breath in the process, and Yoshiki found it interesting that Hikaru was even winded.  Guess being in a human body did require him to breathe some air, right? 

“Wow…it’s really beatin’ fast now.”  Hikaru breathlessly admitted, gently bringing Yoshiki’s hand to his pounding heart.  “See what I mean?” 

For just a moment, Yoshiki almost broke down at the feeling of Hikaru’s heart beating against his hand.  But it was just an artificial beat…at least, for Hikaru.  Despite that, it seemed to operate normally for Hikaru, whether he realized that or not.  Still, the feeling of this heart beating for him was enough to content Yoshiki.  He momentarily brought his head down to Hikaru’s chest to listen to it more closely. 

“Seems like it’s yer heart now…”  He quietly informed Hikaru, who affectionately ran his fingers through Yoshiki’s dark hair. 

“Aw, damn…guess that means my feelings for ya are somethin’ different...”  He awkwardly confessed, earning Yoshiki’s mesmerized eyes.  They both knew that by now, but hearing it in this warm atmosphere felt different to Yoshiki somehow. 

Hikaru nudged Yoshiki to come back up on him, the two sharing another kiss after the fact.  Yoshiki felt his own heartbeat rise as Hikaru’s arms landed around his back and waist.  It was all so delicate…Hikaru’s kiss and hold on him.  For a moment, he could feel his mind trying to force the idea onto him…that being entangled with Hikaru couldn’t be dangerous.  Unfortunately, Hikaru couldn’t even control his dangerous tendencies.  They just came out at random times…and if Hikaru’s guard was dropped now…this could have been a perfect time for the demon to come out and play. 

This was probably wrong.  They should stop.  Those thoughts crossed Yoshiki’s mind, but then Hikaru opened his mouth…and he forgot about all of those rational thoughts all over again. 

“I love you, Yoshiki.”  Hikaru intently whispered, and Yoshiki couldn’t prevent a smile from widening across his face. 

This wasn’t the first time he had heard those words.  He had heard them on the beach before too, where Hikaru proceeded to tell him that they weren’t romantic nor friendly.  They contained emotions far beyond that, something beyond Yoshiki’s comprehension level.  Despite that, hearing them still elated him.  He didn’t care what those words really meant.  He was just happy to be loved by Hikaru. 

“Hey…yer smilin’.  You like hearin’ that?”  Hikaru softly wondered, Yoshiki finding his face heating up a little at the acknowledgment.  Despite that, the smile wouldn’t drop off his face.  He didn’t think he could avoid being honest at this point. 

“Yeah…it feels good.”  He quietly admitted, a faint grin briefly finding its way onto Hikaru’s lips. 

With an alluring gaze, he soundlessly pulled Yoshiki into a soft kiss…one that quickly came over as tempting to Yoshiki.  He wasn’t sure what it was, if it was the heated glances they were exchanging…or if it was the careful yet slightly desirous kiss Hikaru slipped into his mouth.  But there was something that crawled into Yoshiki…something that was telling him to return the satisfaction he felt. 

He slid his hand over Hikaru’s heart as they continued to lock eyes rather intensely.  That heartbeat was slowing down.  He didn’t want it to slow down.  Hikaru had his heart beating steadily.  Would it hurt him…to try and please Hikaru, too?  His head was screaming that it would…but he didn’t think his heart cared.  He couldn’t stop himself now. 

“Open up, Hikaru…”  He whispered, dropping his hand to loosen the buttons on Hikaru’s shirt. 

“What?”  Hikaru voiced with a hint of nervousness, and Yoshiki actually appreciated the fact that he was caught off guard by those words.  It was good for him to be hesitant about this, even if Yoshiki wasn’t tonight.  Perhaps he should have been, but that didn’t change his heart. 

“Just this once…I wanna make you feel good, too…”  He timidly explained himself, appearing to surprise Hikaru. 

“But I thought that scared ya?”  He anxiously reminded Yoshiki, slight shame evident in his voice.  His consideration of Yoshiki’s feelings over his own was a green flag to Yoshiki, and that was enough for him to gently pull Hikaru’s shirt apart to reveal what really lied beneath his skin. 

“I’ll bear it for you…”  He devotedly professed, putting his hand over Hikaru’s open stomach. 

Without thinking about it too much, he cautiously slipped his hand inside of Hikaru.  He instantly tensed up as chills ran down his spine, the strange sensation slinking through his fingers never quite feeling familiar to him no matter how many times he had tried this.  Hikaru tensed up a little too, his grip on Yoshiki becoming firmer.  That inadvertently brought them closer together…and Yoshiki’s hand in a bit deeper. 

Yoshiki tightly closed his eyes with a gasp, a slight sense of discomfort coming over him.  God, he wished he could get that image of raw chicken covered in marinade out of his head, but he knew the comparison was too accurate to just fade away with time.  On the other hand, Hikaru wasn’t displaying even an ounce of discomfort.  He let out a heavy breath, a small smile making its way onto his lips. 

“Wow…yer really warm…”  He contently informed Yoshiki, who could feel his body temperature increasing each second they were like this. 

“Am I?”  He insecurely wondered as he carefully moved his hand around, hoping to rid the disturbing feeling that crept over him. 

It was definitely gross to some extent, like slimly snails slithering around his hand and wrist.  But in addition to that…he might have found a sense of enjoyment in being like this.  Maybe it was just Hikaru’s expression of pleasure that forced him to believe that. 

“Yeah.  Right there feels real good…”  He didn’t hesitate to admit, Yoshiki immediately feeling his face run red hot. 

“Maybe…you shouldn’t say that out loud…”  He shyly mumbled out, dropping his head into Hikaru’s shoulder.  Hikaru kept his face turned towards his though, giving him no real chance to hide. 

“Why?  Does it embarrass ya?”  He quietly wondered with endearing eyes as he gingerly combed his fingers through Yoshiki’s hair.  “I think it’s important…to let ya know what I like…” 

The more Hikaru spoke so openly, the harder Yoshiki could feel his heart smack against his ribcage.  His twisted mind couldn’t stop comparing what they were doing to something else more…human.  He wondered if the heat he was feeling may eventually set him ablaze. 

“Yer startin’ to make it sound strange…”  He lightly warned Hikaru, who disregarded his concerns without a second thought. 

“Hey, Yoshiki?”  He quietly called out with a look of slight hopefulness or anticipation that left Yoshiki feeling weak.  “Can you come in a bit deeper?  I wanna feel you more…” 

It was dangerous.  The more he gave himself to Hikaru, the more treacherous their situation would become.  What if he couldn’t put a stop to it?  What if he didn’t want to?  What if…they ended up completely mixed?  What would happen then?  It wouldn’t be good to find out. 

The deeper he went into Hikaru…each time was scarier than the last.  It was terrifying to find Hikaru seeping out of the body he hid inside of…to find himself engulfed by that…thing.  But this time somehow felt different.  Hikaru wasn’t overly zealous or looked starved for his soul.  He asked the question cautiously, as if not to scare Yoshiki off.  Yoshiki wondered if just maybe…Hikaru’s words didn’t mean anything more this time.  He just wanted to be touched, to feel warmth.  Yoshiki didn’t think he could deny Hikaru of that…when he was the one Hikaru wanted it from. 

He tightly closed his eyes and held his breath, slowly slinking his forearm inside of Hikaru.  It was cold, thick, and moist, like slipping his arm into muddy water or curdled milk.  It raised every hair on his body, but he bared through the odd sensation…as he said he would.  A small whimper of pleasure escaped Hikaru’s mouth, skyrocketing Yoshiki’s heartrate.  He had never heard Hikaru react quite like that before.  It was breaking him into a sweat.  His mind was going strange places. 

“Oh wow…”  Hikaru breathed out with a smile, his voice definitely carrying a hint of ecstasy. 

Yoshiki let out an unraveled sigh, desperately trying to calm himself as he felt something wet and sticky coil around his arm.  It was weird…and kind of scary.  It touched every part of him thoroughly…his fingertips, around his fingers, the palm and back of his hand, around his wrist, and up his arm.  From there, it might have seeped into his skin…spreading throughout his whole body, tapping his heart and brain in the process.  Once it did, he felt something far from the gross sensations he felt earlier.  It might have felt…nice. 

No, it felt really nice. 

“Hikaru…”  He breathed out a bit instinctively, an oddly thrilling feeling striking his nervous system.  It would have been nice if this satisfaction was only internal. 

“Woah…yer super flushed.”  Hikaru informed him, putting a hand to Yoshiki’s inflamed cheek.  “Do you feel good, too?” 

Yoshiki couldn’t say yes.  If he did, Hikaru might find excuses to try and end up like this more often.  They couldn’t afford to risk this more than necessary.  So, he couldn’t say yes.  But he couldn’t say no, either.  It was written on his face that this affected him physically to some extent, maybe even more so than Hikaru.  That was a little embarrassing.  Couldn’t Hikaru have been just a little more flushed than him?  Maybe it wasn’t all that surprising.  They were both just as inexperienced as one another.  He knew it was obvious to Hikaru…that he had never touched anyone like this before.  Maybe it was better that they learned these things together. 

Instead of answering with words, Yoshiki pressed a kiss onto Hikaru’s lips.  It was passionate within a second, leaving Yoshiki fearless inside Hikaru for just a moment.  He slowly dragged his hand up further, recalling how Hikaru reacted the first time they ended up like this.  The truth was, he already knew Hikaru liked.  He had paid attention attentively each time.  However, Hikaru eventually grabbed his hand to put him at a halt.  It puzzled Yoshiki only for a moment…before he realized that Hikaru had done so to prevent himself from splitting apart any further.  If he split any higher, they couldn’t kiss.  Yoshiki’s eyes widened in realization. 

Hikaru wanted to keep kissing him. 

“I love you so much, Yoshiki.”  Hikaru adoringly whispered, Yoshiki letting out a soft breath. 

A part of him wanted to return those words, but he wasn’t sure what it’d mean if he did.  Their interpretations of ‘love’ were very different.  Even so…he felt it.  He did love Hikaru…to an inhuman extent.  Maybe…it was the same type of love without him even knowing it. 

“Hikaru…”  He contentedly breathed out with a tiny smile, resting his forehead against his friend’s. 

“Don’t ever touch anyone like this but me.”  Hikaru possessively asked with a hint of anxiousness, as if he suspected that someone else might take his place someday.  That wasn’t the case at all. 

“Why would I want to?  Yer the only one I wanna be mixed up with…”  Yoshiki confidently assured Hikaru, which appeared to light a fire in his eyes. 

He pulled Yoshiki’s hand out of him and placed it against his cheek, interlacing their fingers with another enrapturing kiss.  The action drove Yoshiki a little crazy.  It was starting to seem like Hikaru wanted him in a more human sense, so much so that he sacrificed what made him feel good in favor of what made Yoshiki more comfortable.  Or maybe it was more than that.  Maybe Hikaru liked their physicality too…liked Yoshiki’s hand on his face, their fingers intertwined, and their lips connected.  All of it was causing Yoshiki’s head to spin.  He might have been seeing stars…or maybe those were just Hikaru’s shimmering eyes.  He couldn’t stop his own selfishness from slipping out once more. 

“Don’t you kiss anyone but me.”  He asked in a low voice, a sentimental grin taking over Hikaru’s face. 

“How could I…when only you know I exist?”  He softly reminded Yoshiki, who never once stopped to think about that fact. 

It was true.  If anyone else kissed Hikaru, it wasn’t because they were interested in him.  It was because they were interested in Hikaru.  To say that Yoshiki was the only one who knew he existed wasn’t entirely true.  There was Kurebayashi and that man Tanaka…but it was true that he was the only one among their peers, even if Asako seemed to be catching on.  He didn’t stop to think about that much.  Hikaru was always surrounded by people…but he must have been lonely…when no one knew that he existed. 

“Yoshiki…thank you…for lettin’ me stay by yer side.”  Hikaru expressed his gratitude with enchanted eyes, as if Yoshiki was the only known soul he could see. 

Yoshiki felt his heart skip several beats.  For the first time in his life, he felt…special.  What did it mean to feel special to someone? 

The two heard a door slam shut, signaling that the rest of their families had finally come back inside of the cabin.  It was apparent that they needed to move on from…whatever their night together had become…but a part of Yoshiki was reluctant to.  Illuminated by the light of the fireplace, Hikaru looked quite mesmerizing on this floor.  But these flames didn’t change much.  In Yoshiki’s eyes, Hikaru would never not be mesmerizing.  Even if it was difficult, Yoshiki sat up and Hikaru soon followed. 

“Feel better after havin’ me underneath ya?”  Hikaru teased as he buttoned up his shirt, to which Yoshiki could feel his face redden again.  Should he have controlled himself more earlier? 

“Don’t say it like that…”  He lightly grumbled, trying to get it out of his head that what they did definitely resembled a different act. 

“Then, can I say…that I like havin’ you in me?”  Hikaru shamelessly asked, further fueling Yoshiki’s imagination.  Was Hikaru flirting with him now?  When did he learn how to flirt…and where? 

“How ‘bout we just say nothin’…”  He proposed to avoid additional embarrassment, earning a chuckle and cheesy grin out of Hikaru.  It felt all too familiar to a look he had seen a year ago. 

“Then how ‘bout this…”  Hikaru proposed as he confident stood up.  “You said you thought this heart was mine now, right?  Then how ‘bout I give it to ya…next winter.” 

Yoshiki’s eyes widened drastically.  Flashes of last winter when Hikaru was alive passed through his mind like stop lights. 

“What?”  He breathed out, earning a sweet smile from Hikaru in return. 

“Yeah…that sounds nice.  If I’m still ‘round next winter, you can have my heart, Yoshiki.  I’ll do anythin’ for you.”  He infatuatedly professed, quaking Yoshiki’s already anxious heart. 

This felt like déjà vu.  No…he didn’t want it to be déjà vu.  It couldn’t be…because he wanted this heart, too.  He wanted Hikaru’s heart.  He didn’t want to see Hikaru disappear…not him, too.  Despite the fear that was likely evident on his face, Hikaru only approached him with a familiar smile and pulled him to his feet before dragging him out of their secluded library. 

As they were bombarded with questions from their families, Yoshiki was forced to push his living nightmares to the back of his mind in order to come up with excuses.  His tension gradually eased up throughout the night as he once more pleaded to denial, praying that nothing would go wrong a second time.  He didn’t want to spend next winter alone, but no matter what happened…he still had this winter.  This was never meant to be a winter he got to spend with Hikaru…and technically, he didn’t.  But fate had other plans…and gave him Hikaru in his place.  Somehow, that was enough to content him.  He knew this was enough to content Hikaru as well, who was also likely never meant to spend winter with someone else. 

As the families lounged around in the main room watching a movie off their checklist, Yoshiki glanced over at Hikaru next to him.  Hikaru’s eyes were already on him too, striking a sense of warmth straight through Yoshiki’s heart.  He wished their night together wasn’t replaying in both of their minds right now while their families were present around them.  But maybe he liked reliving it.  After all…it was the only time in his life when he had felt free to be himself. 

Invisible to everyone else thanks to the blanket resting over them both, Hikaru delicately slid his hand into Yoshiki’s.  Yoshiki slowly intertwined their fingers, bringing a pleased smile to Hikaru’s face.  A smile crossed Yoshiki’s lips as well, his heart at ease for the moment. 

It seemed like…Hikaru was telling the truth back then.  His heart had been passed down and given to Hikaru…and whether Hikaru realized it or not, it had seemingly already been given to Yoshiki this winter.  Maybe he had given his heart away, too.  For better or worse, he had no regrets…meeting and getting mixed up with the endearing being that was Hikaru.