I-land Love

AngelOpps

This was the most important day of Sunoo's life, and also the worst.

He'd been trapped in I-land for three months, dealing with a competition that would decide his future and his dream, and this was the last day. The day of the big decision.

The contestants were sitting together, waiting to be called by the production team for the final part of the show.

Sunoo was lost in thought. He tried to tune out everyone around him, tried to focus so he wouldn't cry, feeling gravity pulling him down. That cold pang at the base of his spine seemed to grow with every rise and fall of his chest as his breathing quickened.

He felt anxious. Everyone did. You could barely hear the voices of those boys, who had been so cheerful and loud during the show throughout those months together.

“Sunoo,” Sunghoon whispered, trying to get his attention, sitting side by side.

Sunoo himself had sat next to Sunghoon, to have him close even if just for a short while. From the very first day of the show, Sunoo had tried to get closer to Sunghoon. At first, just because he was very handsome, then because he seemed quiet and mysterious, and finally because he had fallen completely and hopelessly for Sunghoon.

He thought it was pathetic to have fallen so quickly, but Sunoo was a boy with a lot of love to give, someone who always felt everything intensely. He wasn't afraid of feeling and loving again and again.

But now, with the possibility of becoming an idol, he felt he should stop feeling so much, close himself off more. That's why he hadn't confessed to Sunghoon. They needed to be 100% focused on the competition, their dream was at stake. In the end, he thought it wise to keep his feelings to himself.

“Sunoo, are you okay?” Sunghoon gently squeezed Sunoo's hand to get his attention.

Sunoo turned, looking at him, seeing his expression was one of concern. He smiled the best he could — given the circumstances — with his eyes forming crescents and his round cheeks, trying to convey a calmness and tranquility he didn't possess at that moment. With that, Sunghoon's features softened.

“I'm fine, hyung. And you? Are you okay?”

Sunghoon nodded. He looked around, observing all the staff movement, still holding Sunoo's hand.

“Everyone seems anxious,” Sunghoon said.

“And you're not?”

“I am… but it's different. I can't explain.”

They both fell silent. The atmosphere seemed heavier with each passing minute.

“Good luck,” Sunoo whispered to him.

“You too, Sunoo-yah.”

Sunoo felt a blush creep up his face.

Having Sunghoon call him something so familiar and affectionate made him feel appreciated and seen. As if he knew that even something so simple, like adding a caring suffix to his name, would make him lighter and make him think of something other than this suffocating atmosphere.

They had built a friendship throughout the show, but during all that time, only once had Sunghoon called him that. Sunoo still remembered his words that day.

Before he could drift into thought, a staff member appeared announcing that the final segment of the show was about to begin. It was time to find out who would debut. Everyone stood up and headed to the stage. Sunghoon gave Sunoo's hand one last squeeze before letting go.

That's it, the grand finale.

Sunoo didn't want to sound arrogant or anything, but throughout the reality show he had been in the TOP 10 several times, so he believed he had a good chance of debuting, but anxiety wanted to tell him otherwise, wanted to convince him he wouldn't make it. He tried to breathe deeply to calm down, while the palms of his hands sweated like crazy.

Slowly, one by one, the members who would debut in the group Enhypen were announced. Heeseung, Ni-ki, Jake, Jay, Jungwon. The host hinted several times that Sunoo could be called any moment, which made his heart flutter and a chill settle in the pit of his stomach, only to have his heart broken every time.

When Jungwon was announced in first place, a position Sunoo had held a few times, he knew he had been left out of the final lineup. He knew that from now on his chances were almost minimal.

He tried at all costs not to show his teary eyes. He swallowed the intense, hollow pain he felt in his chest to smile and congratulate Jungwon, after all, he deserved to debut. Everyone there deserved to achieve their dreams.

Only him, Sunghoon, K, and Daniel remained.

Then the host announced the sixth place. And Sunoo knew. It was Sunghoon's. His intuition screamed that that spot belonged to Sunghoon.

While Sunoo knew. He wasn't going to debut.

The host shouted Sunghoon's name.

Despite everything he felt, Sunoo hugged Sunghoon, congratulating him and cherishing the last moments with his crush. He held him tight in his arms, feeling his breath on his shoulder and the rapid beating of his heart. Sunghoon pulled away, and Sunoo couldn't let him go, didn't want him to go. Not yet. He pulled Sunghoon's arm towards him, smiling, savoring the last seconds of contact he had with him.

“Congratulations,” Sunoo whispered to Sunghoon. “The luck I wished for you worked,” he said jokingly, but the cry in his voice was noticeable.

Sunghoon didn't seem to hear or understand what Sunoo said, greeting the other contestants. Even so, Sunoo didn't let go of his arm. At that moment, he was Sunghoon's anchor.

Sunoo's heart tightened, watching the guy he was in love with move away from him, knowing he might not see him again, because Sunoo knew, he wouldn't be chosen by the judges. He never had been, and it wouldn't happen now, in the last second.

He had only one regret at that moment. Not having confessed sooner.

Ah, it seemed like that would never happen after all.

He had been afraid, hadn't been true to himself, hadn't acted according to what he believed.

If the universe gave him a chance, he would like to confess to Sunghoon. To tell Sunghoon how he felt when he first saw him at the company restaurant, how he wanted to get close and talk even though they weren't allowed to, or when they went to their sunbaenim's show together with other trainees without even knowing each other and Sunghoon gave Sunoo his spare mask because Sunoo had forgotten his own, and how that small kindness made Sunoo smile alone in the dorms that night, or how throughout the entire show, Sunghoon was nothing but kind, polite, and friendly that even when Sunoo called him to join the Chamber 5 group, he never complained or fought with Sunoo about it.

He wanted to be able to talk about all the little things Sunghoon did that made Sunoo fall for him in such a short time, but he wouldn't be able to, because this was probably the last time they would interact.

Then his name was announced. Kim Sunoo. The producers chose him.

Sunoo blinked, stunned, in disbelief.

He felt as if a lightning bolt had struck his head. His whole body felt electrified. He put his hands over his face, trying to hide his incredulity at the situation, looking around at the remaining contestants. They hugged him, even though they had just lost their chance at their dream.

Sunoo felt like apologizing, as if he didn't deserve to debut.

Everything passed in a blur for him. He didn't remember what he said to K and Daniel, didn't remember his speech, he only remembered crying and hugging Jungwon who was waiting with open arms to congratulate him on joining the group.

The following hours were complete static noise in his ears. He was dazed, confused, and disoriented. It was too much stimulation for his brain, he couldn't keep up with everything happening. He tried to talk to his now groupmates, but he was still in a state of shock.

When he laid his head down to sleep, reality hit. He was going to debut, and he was going to debut with the guy he was in love with.

He had told the universe that if he got a chance, he would confess.

This thought made him sit up in bed quickly, breathing heavily. He grabbed his hair, eyes wide.

He couldn't go back on his word, not when he was extremely superstitious. His last thoughts before his name was announced were that, and he had to fulfill what he had — unintentionally — promised, since the universe had thrown him the opportunity he asked for.

“Sunoo, are you okay?” A voice whispered to him in the dark. It sounded like Heeseung's voice.

“I'm fine, hyung. Sorry if I woke you.”

A sigh. “Go to sleep, Sunoo, today was a long and tiring day. Whatever is bothering you, leave it for tomorrow.”

Yes, tomorrow he would think about it. Tomorrow he would think about the big problem he'd gotten himself into.

Tomorrow turned into weeks, where everything seemed to be happening too fast. His routine boiled down to going to the company, training, recording, and going back to the dorm, in an almost endless cycle.

Their dorm was extremely small, everyone slept in the same room with several bunk beds, no space to walk, no privacy, lots of noise, and little peace.

And then there was the fact that Ni-ki slept with him almost every night, leaving his space and privacy even smaller.

Sunoo understood. The kid was only 14, in a foreign country, still mastering the language, with his family living in another country thousands of miles away. Sunoo tried to take care of him like a younger brother, even if he didn't really know how.

“You like Sunghoon hyung, don't you, hyung?” Ni-ki asked.

They were both alone in the practice room. The others had gone out to eat or take a break for a moment.

“Of course I do, I like all of you,” Sunoo replied, looking at the ceiling, his chest rising and falling quickly as he tried to calm down after spending hours dancing.

“No, hyung. You like-like Sunghoon hyung.”

“I don't know what you're talking about, Riki-ah.” He tried to deflect, continuing to look at the ceiling because he knew if Ni-ki looked at his face, he'd see the lie written all over it.

“You can't pretend, hyung. I know you do, I noticed.”

Sunoo sighed. He didn't think he was being obvious about his crush, he was sure he was being as discreet as he could. He didn't stare at Sunghoon much and didn't try to hold his hand all the time anymore. He avoided physical contact and many interactions, and no longer invaded his space.

“Am I that obvious?” he asked, pouting.

“A little. I mean, you barely interact with him, but you always smile when he's not looking, and also when someone says something funny, he's the first person you look at.” Yeah, maybe not so discreet. “I think only I noticed. Well, maybe Jungwon hyung too, but he doesn't count because he seems to know everything.”

A shiver ran down Ni-ki's spine.

“I'm thinking of confessing,” Sunoo said with a sigh. “Thoughts?”

“And prayers. You're gonna need them.” His playful tone combined with his accent made him even cuter.

“I know I'll be rejected, but I hope it won't be a problem for the group. I'd hate to make the atmosphere weird when we haven't even debuted yet.”

“Well, it doesn't hurt to try. But I don't think it will affect the group, we went through I-land, nothing else can separate us.”

“I hope so,” Sunoo said, looking at Ni-ki with a small smile on his face.

Debut day was approaching and Sunoo felt increasingly cornered. He needed to confess, and quickly. He couldn't ignore the universe's opportunity, because you never know what could happen if he didn't keep a promise to the universe. He felt like he was racing against time.

It was okay. He would confess, Sunghoon would reject him, and they'd continue being groupmates until they could be friends again without feeling uncomfortable around each other. All without affecting the group. OK.

He just needed to say: “I like you, as more than just friends, Sunghoon hyung.”

Sunghoon looked at him for a few seconds.

They were alone in the dorm, it was still morning. It was a rare day in their packed schedules where they didn't need to train. A few hours off before giving it their all again, after all, debut was only a week away. Everyone was on edge, nervous and working as hard as possible, trying to do their best so everything would be perfect.

Sunoo tried to choose the perfect day to confess, and also had Ni-ki's help to get him and Sunghoon alone in the dorm, by taking all the other members out to do something outside.

He didn't know where he got such courage to confess. He had done it a few times before and been rejected most of the time, it was still very difficult to deal with rejection.

Having your heart broken hurt. Insecurity and anxiety used to take over his mind and body with negative thoughts, and healing took time. But keeping feelings to yourself, living with only 'what ifs' wasn't part of Sunoo's philosophy, because even with several broken hearts, the ones that worked out, even for a short time, were fun and made it all worth it.

“I don't think I understood you, Sunoo…” Sunghoon replied cautiously, speaking slowly, as if trying to process the confession.

“I'm in love with you, Sunghoon hyung.”

That was it, he had said it in so many words, he had done it.

Sunghoon remained speechless, just blinking with his mouth slightly open. Sunoo could already feel his heart breaking bit by bit, just waiting for the words to come out of his hyung's mouth.

It was okay, all he had to do was confess. That had been his promise to the universe, he didn't need Sunghoon to share the same feelings. It was fine.

“Hyung, it's okay. You can reject my confession,” Sunoo said when he noticed that Sunghoon's expression seemed troubled, as if he didn't know what to say. “I've been rejected a few times, I can handle it.”

A brave boast from someone who knew he would cry when he went to sleep that night.

“Sunoo-yah, it's not that…”

There it was again, saying his name so familiarly.

“Then explain it to me.”

“I… don't know how.” Sunghoon sighed, running his hands through his hair. “It's just… I was starting to have different feelings for you, and I still don't know what those feelings are, so I can't accept your confession. Not now when I'm still confused about it. I'm sorry, Sunoo-yah.”

Sunoo's heart seemed to miss a beat. “So it's not a no?”

“But it's also not a yes. I could ask you to wait for me, but I don't think it's fair to tie you to a maybe. When I understand these feelings better, I promise you'll be the first to know.”

“Pinky promise?” Sunoo whispered softly, extending his finger.

Sunghoon smiled at him, linking his pinky with Sunoo's. Then he pulled him into a somewhat awkward hug, but one that brought Sunoo comfort.

He didn't know how long they stayed hugged like that. It was comfortable, and Sunoo could hear the beats of Sunghoon's heart, even though his head wasn't on his chest. Maybe someday he would be able to do that.

The years passed, and Sunoo was still in love with Sunghoon.

He didn't deprive himself of meeting other people, going out with them, and having new experiences, but he couldn't deny that, every time he laid his head on the pillow, he wished all those experiences with other people had been with Sunghoon.

Sunghoon still hadn't talked to him about his feelings, but it was a fact that they had grown much closer, with Sunghoon playfully teasing him at every opportunity. It didn't matter if they were alone, with the group, or in front of the cameras, every time Sunghoon found something to tease Sunoo about, with the most beautiful smile Sunoo had ever seen on his face.

Many times there seemed to be a tension between them, like an energy that pulled them together, long looks at each other's lips, or long glances at each other's bodies.

Still, Sunghoon hadn't come back to finish that conversation from years ago.

“I think your blond hair is my favorite look on you,” Sunghoon said. He was behind Sunoo, hands on the chair Sunoo was sitting in, looking at him through the mirror's reflection.

“I've been blond before, and you never said that.”

“That was platinum on best day. No, this one is different. You look more… stunning.”

Sunoo stared into his eyes through the reflection. They held each other's gaze for a few seconds, without saying anything.

“Can I do your makeup today?” Sunghoon asked, a smirk on his face.

“You can't, Sunghoon-ssi. Now go to your chair, it's your turn for hair and makeup. Quick, we have a tight schedule today.” A staff member appeared beside them.

Sunoo tried to hold back his laughter but didn't quite succeed. Sunghoon just looked at him with a betrayed expression.

“You're really like a doll to him, aren't you?” asked another staff member playfully. She started taking all the makeup out of her case and placed it on the counter.

“I know,” Sunoo said, pouting. “His life's fun is teasing me, seeing me get mad, and then saying I'm cute. He doesn't take me seriously, noona.“

“You know he only does that because he likes you, right? Like a little boy who discovers he likes his classmate and then pulls her hair to try and get her attention, you know?” She said laughingly.

Another staff member who was beside them, also arranging her makeup on the counter, laughed at her colleague's comment and said: “Oh my god, yes. I feel like I'm in kindergarten when I see the two of them interact like that.”

Their words hit him like a blow to the chest. 'He likes you.' That was all Sunoo could focus on. Not just one, but two people noticed that the two of them seemed to interact like a couple in love with each other.

Sunoo tried to look at where Sunghoon was. Could Sunghoon be in love with Sunoo now? Then why hadn't he said anything yet? After three years?

Was it possible that Sunoo would have to do everything himself?

So on an ordinary day when they both had time off, Sunoo invaded Sunghoon's room.

“We need to talk.”

“Did something happen?” asked Sunghoon, worried.

“Years have passed since I confessed to you, and years I've waited for your answer. So Park Sunghoon, this is my ultimatum to you. What are your feelings for me?”

Sunghoon's eyes widened and his mouth fell open. Shocked by Sunoo's words, who stood with his arms crossed, staring at him with an angry expression that Sunghoon could only find cute.

“I… Sunoo-yah, you're still in love with me?” Sunghoon asked incredulously.

Sunoo turned completely red, embarrassed to have spent years in love with the same person. He felt somewhat humiliated, it had affected his ego, having waited years for someone who seemed to have completely forgotten what they promised.

Apparently, only he still had the same feelings.

Sunoo remained quiet. Actually, he wanted to run away from there, but that would be even more humiliating. So he stood there, frozen, looking at Sunghoon.

“Sunoo-yah, come here.” Sunghoon patted the bed where he was sitting. When Sunoo finally sat down and snuggled in, Sunghoon took one of his hands and pulled it towards himself, placing it directly where his heart should be.

Sunghoon's heart was beating fast. Very fast. As if he had just come off a show where his adrenaline was rushing and making his heart beat like that.

“When you confessed to me, I was still confused about whether I saw you only as a friend or if I wanted to be your boyfriend. I never had many friends, just acquaintances. The skater life made me really isolated from people my age, and the few people I could call friends were women, for whom I never felt any romantic emotion. So, when I finally managed to make male friends, I couldn't distinguish what was friendship and what was attraction.”

Sunghoon took a deep breath, closing his eyes trying to reorganize his thoughts. Sunoo stared at him openly.

“Imagine my reaction when the guy who made me question my sexuality says he's in love with me. I almost panicked.” He let out a self-deprecating laugh. “I needed time to think, to find myself, so I could give my all to you, Sunoo.”

“Then why did it take so long?” Sunoo's eyes were teary.

“It wasn't that long. A year later I realized I was in love with you.”

Sunoo looked like he was about to protest, but Sunghoon silenced him.

“I said I would come to you when I finally figured it out, however, when I saw you were meeting different people and going out with them, I couldn't be brave enough to confess. I thought you had already moved on because I took too long, so I kept my feelings to myself.”

“Fuck, Sunghoon!” Sunoo said, crying. “Do you know how long I waited for you? How many times I imagined us together? Do you know how much time we lost because you were a coward?”

“I'm sorry, Sunoo-yah.”

“I don't want your apologies, damn it.” He wiped the tears from his face. “I want compensation for the lost time!”

Sunghoon laughed, pulling Sunoo into a hug and falling onto the mattress afterwards. The two of them stayed like that, lying hugged on the bed, with Sunoo's head on Sunghoon's chest, listening directly to his heartbeats.

“You owe me a year of compensation.” Sunoo demanded, pouting and sniffling from crying.

“I'll compensate you double, OK?” Sunghoon kissed Sunoo's forehead affectionately.

“Alright.”

Sunoo snuggled into the chest of his now boyfriend. Happy to have his crush to himself after years. It seemed surreal to think that he had been in love with Sunghoon for so long and still waited for him with hopes that he might return his feelings.

But still, the universe could have been faster, right? He had raced against time so he could confess to Sunghoon, but Sunghoon took years to do something so they could finally be together. It wasn't fair!

Well, everything worked out in the end, didn't it? And that was all that mattered.