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“Charlie, I don’t think we should be sharing the bed anymore, dude. It’s kinda gay.”
Charlie, who was just about to nod off, rolls over and snuffles.
“This again, Mac?” he grumbles. “You gotta get over it, man. You know I’m technically part of the gay community or whatever, right?”
As Charlie slowly wakes himself up again, he sees Mac lying on his back, resting his head on one arm and staring up at the ceiling. He snorts and waves a dismissive hand at Charlie’s words.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t count. You’re a guy and you like girls, right?”
“Yeah, sure.”
Charlie doesn’t just like girls, and he’s pretty sure he doesn’t like anyone the way Mac means, but Mac doesn’t need to know about that right now.
“See?” Mac says. “So you’re not gay. It doesn’t matter that you’re trans. If anything, you being trans is a good thing, because otherwise you’d be a lesbian.”
“Okay, Mac. Whatever you say.”
Charlie rolls back onto his side, mumbling in irritation. Mac always wakes him up to talk about shit like this, and while it’s kinda nice to know that Mac comes to him before Dennis about this stuff, Charlie isn’t a walking Big Gay Encyclopedia, and Mac’s track record for sticking his foot in his mouth is spectacular. Which reminds Charlie to give him another point tomorrow for that dumbass lesbian comment.
Mac is quiet then, and Charlie reasons that he’s either lost in thought or falling asleep, so he wriggles deeper under the covers and closes his eyes again. Of course, only a moment later, he feels Mac gently shaking him.
“Dude, what?” Charlie slurs, stubbornly burrowing deeper under the blankets. “Fuck off and let me sleep!”
Mac, however, does not fuck off and let Charlie sleep.
“Charlie, no, I’m serious!” he protests. “This is getting way too gay!”
Charlie growls and emerges from the blankets in a sudden storm of rage.
“WHAT’S too gay, Mac?!”
Charlie rolls again to face Mac… only to find Mac much closer to him than he had been before. He’s staring down at Charlie, and in the dim glow of the streetlight shining through the slits in the window blinds, Charlie can see a mixture of fear and want shining in Mac’s eyes. He swallows.
“I am,” Mac whispers. His voice sounds rawer and more afraid than Charlie’s ever heard it. Mac keeps talking, his voice low and fast and desperate.
“I know it’s not your fault, Charlie, because you have to, but you hang out with the gays and you bring back their gay essence and it rubs off on me, and then I—“
Mac swallows back a sob, cutting himself short. All of the anger in Charlie’s body is gone, replaced with pity and a desire to help. This isn’t the first time Mac has had a breakdown like this; it never gets easier seeing Mac wrestle with his sexuality, though. Charlie reaches out and places a gentle hand on Mac’s shoulder. Mac jumps at the contact, staring at Charlie’s hand like it’s about to kill him.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Charlie murmurs, stroking Mac’s shoulder gently with his thumb. Mac stares at Charlie and slowly, haltingly, brings up his own hand to cover Charlie’s.
“There you go, Mac,” Charlie whispers, his voice low and soothing. “You’re okay. You’re not gonna do anything wrong, yeah? There’s nothing that can make you do anything. You’re Mac, remember? You’re the toughest guy around. Nobody makes you do anything.”
Mac nods weakly, smiling a little, but he doesn’t look convinced. Sure enough, his smile fades within an instant and the fear rises in his eyes once more.
“But what if nobody’s making me do it?”
He ducks his head, averts his eyes, grips Charlie’s hand tighter.
“…What if I want to do it?”
Charlie doesn’t have an answer for that. Not an easy one or the one that Mac wants to hear, at least. He just shrugs and squeezes Mac’s shoulder. Mac’s grip on his hand is starting to hurt.
“Mac…”
Charlie trails off, knowing there’s nothing he can say. Suddenly, another sob wrenches out of Mac, and then he’s latched onto Charlie for dear life, crying bitterly into Charlie’s neck.
“I want it so bad, Charlie, but I can’t have it! It’s wrong and bad and disgusting, but I want it so fucking much! I want—“
Mac goes on, but the words are getting lost in his tears. For once, Charlie is quiet, just shushing Mac comfortingly as he tries to shift the two of them into a more comfortable position. It’s slow going, because Mac refuses to let go of him or pull his face out of Charlie’s neck, but Charlie eventually manages to nudge them so that they’re facing one another on their sides, Mac curled around Charlie and pressed close. Charlie wraps his arms around Mac’s broad shoulders and just holds him, petting his hair with one hand and rubbing his back with the other.
Gradually, he feels Mac relaxing as he tires himself out, and the desperate sobs give way to ragged breath and quiet sniffling.
“I’m sorry I’m like this…” Mac mumbles, shame burning hot in his voice. Charlie shakes his head and shushes him again.
“It’s okay, Mac… I’m not mad at you.”
Mac nods, sniffling again. He isn’t making any effort to move away from Charlie. Charlie doesn’t feel the need to move away from him, either. So they lie there like that, Charlie holding Mac, Mac trying to press himself as close to Charlie as possible.
“Charlie…?” Mac starts, a few minutes later. Charlie gives a questioning hum in response; he’d started to drift off again.
“Thank you.”
“Of course, man,” Charlie mumbles, eyes falling shut. His grip on Mac is starting to loosen, but he keeps petting Mac’s hair. It’s so soft and fluffy without any gel in it, Charlie thinks. It’s a shame Mac doesn’t just leave it this way more often.
“Charlie?”
“Hmm?”
Mac hesitates.
“… I love you.”
Charlie’s first impulse is to jolt awake all at once, but he barely manages to fight that down. His second impulse is to say that he loves Mac, too, but that would probably just freak Mac out, so he doesn’t do that, either.
“Get some sleep, Mac,” is all he says.
Mac does. He’s asleep within minutes, snoring softly and snuggling into Charlie, throwing an arm over his waist with the easy possessiveness that only comes to Mac when he’s asleep.
Charlie closes his eyes and tries to ignore the rampant hammering in his chest as he waits for sleep to take him.