Chapter Text
A silver Mitsubishi Mirage pulled up at La Virginia’s entryway. Seungkwan entered its backseat with Hansol following close after him. Their party of thirteen who gathered for Seungcheol’s birthday slowly dispersed, and they were one of the units who left by pair as their homes were on one way.
“Wah! Ang saya talaga ‘pag kompleto, ‘no?” Seungkwan said as he settled on his seat.
“Kaya nga eh. Kaso minsan na lang,” Hansol replied.
The both of them stared at the head rests in front of them as the Grab car’s soft radio music took over the atmosphere.
“Kailan ka huling nag-handa para sa birthday mo?” Seungkwan asked, breaking their silence.
“Nung last year lang. Magkalapit kasi birthday namin nina Mama’t Papa kaya kumain lang kami sa labas.”
Seungkwan hummed in acknowledgement.
“Ikaw ba?”
“‘Di ko na maalala, eh. Parang five years old ata ako nung huli akong humihip ng kandila,” Seungkwan shrugged at the question. His birthday was one of his most disliked topics.
“Kailan nga birthday mo?” The younger one asked. They’ve only been online acquaintances for two years since they interned at the company that employed them after graduation, so it makes sense that Hansol didn’t know when Seungkwan’s birthday was.
“Ayaw ko sabihin,” he answered. Hansol turned to Seungkwan in surprise at the latter’s response.
“If you don’t mind me asking… Bakit?”
Seungkwan stifled a chuckle.
“Hmm… Let’s just say na sa more than twenty birthdays na naaalala ko, more than half ang hindi masaya,” he started. Hansol kept quiet, waiting for Seungkwan to continue.
Seungkwan thought if he should continue. EDSA’s long line of honking cars encouraged him to do so.
“Okay lang ba sa’yo na mag trauma dump ako ng konti?” Seungkwan asked with his head turned.
“If okay lang sa’yo mag share.” The older one smiled at Hansol’s response. He knew the latter was considerate, but he appreciated it even more. Seungkwan took a deep breath before resuming.
“Alam mo bang magkalapit ang birthdays namin ng isa kong ate? And for as long as I remember, palaging sabay ang celebration namin. Akala ko noon, normal lang siya. Pero nung nag-dalaga na ang ate ko, nagce-celebrate na siya kasama ‘yung barkada niya. Ta’s ako, sa bahay. Minsan may pancit pang long-life daw. Minsan may cake. And I’m really grateful to my parents for that.
Ayun lang siguro, the fact na I never got to be celebrated on my day growing up was a big factor kung bakit ayaw ko sa araw na ‘yun.”
There was a short silence save for the car’s radio humming the soft tunes of Leaves by Ben&Ben. Seungkwan’s gaze slipped at the screen with a subtle snicker spawning on his face.
“Pero I think I started hating it nung 13th birthday ko. Sinabak ako nu’n sa isang newscasting competition kasi maganda daw diction ko tsaka register sa camera. Kaso walang nakapuntang pamilya namin kasi may prior scheduled vacation sa probinsya ng lola ko. Kaya ayun, umuwi ako kasama ang silver medal ko sa isang bahay na walang tao. Tinulog ko lang ‘yun, tas nung paggising ko sa gabi kasi narinig ko sila, dala-dala ko yung medal ko galing sa competition pero yung mga mukha nila, mukhang pagod na pagod kasi 4-hours one way ang byahe. Kaya bumalik na lang ako sa kama ko.
Nung nag-14 naman ako, pumunta akong school kasi nag-volunteer ako sa isang event dun. Umaga lang naman ‘yun so hindi naman sakop ang isang buong araw. Pero bago ako umuwi, dumaan ako sa paboritong kainan ko sa bayan, nag-snacks ng konti, tas umuwi na. Pag-uwi ko, nag-expect ako na baka may handa sina Mama, kahit pa-bihon lang tulad nung dati. Pero pagdating ko sa bahay, wala sina ate, wala rin si Papa, ta’s si Mama nakahiga sa sala kasi kakatapos lang maglaba. Syempre, I was fourteen so I was sad and disappointed, pero inintindi ko ‘yun kasi wala naman silang pinangako sa’kin.”
Hansol pulled out the unused handkerchief from his pocket, as he had wanted to offer it. But since Seungkwan was too immersed with other cars congested in traffic, he kept the fabric to himself, fiddling its hems as the stories kept unfolding.
“Ta’s it kept on going on, but I wanted things to change nu’ng nag eighteen ako. Since ‘yun na yung legality, sabi ko kay Mama, niyaya ko yung mga high school friends ko at that time, sina Eunbi. Sabi ko sa kanila sa bahay lang, magsha-shat gano’n. Pumayag naman si Mama. Ta’s the day before my birthday, nagplano na ‘kong mag-grocery after dinner. Habang kumakain kami, sinabi ni Mama kay Papa yung plano. Alam mo sabi ni Papa noon? ‘Di ko makakalimutan ‘yun.
‘Maghahanda ka sa birthday mo? May pera ka ba?’
Hindi pa ‘ko tapos kumain nu’n pero tumayo na ‘ko tsaka nag walk-out. Sabi ko sana magpapahatid ako sa kanya, pero nilakad ko yung dalawang kilometrong papunta at pabalik sa Puregold na parang baliw na nagpupunas ng luha sa gilid ng kalsada.
Doon ako nag self-conclude na walang magce-celebrate sakin, kun’di ako lang.”
Hansol could only look at Seungkwan who was facing the window as he told his story. Despite being known for his short attention span, he was actually intently listening to his friend who was desperately trying to shake off his tears.
“Siguro, there's an inner child in me who never stopped wishing he could be celebrated. But since then, I stopped celebrating. Akala ko dun na titigil ang pagaayaw ko sa birthday ko.
Then three years ago, my lola got diagnosed with cancer. She was getting weaker by the day, so we would make free time para ma-bisita siya sa hospital since we were all at our acceptance stage na. And nung tumama sa birthday ko, hindi ako umuwi. I turned off my phone and didn’t contact anyone. Alam naman na ng family ko by that time na I was on DND every year eh. I should have known and it should have been an exception.
When I opened my phone the next morning, I had over one hundred messages and tens of missed calls from the family. Nung tumawag ako kay Mama, sinabihan niya ‘kong umuwi na lang. No greetings, no nothing. Just, ‘umuwi ka na.’ So, I did.
Nung nakauwi na ‘ko, halos kompleto ang buong extended family sa napakaliit na room ni Lola. Lumapit ako sa kanya, kinamusta ko siya. She has not been speaking for days, so hindi naman ako umasang sasagot siya.
Pero kasi, narinig ko na she tried saying ‘happy’. Tapos nun, before ko pa na-comprehend yung nangyayari…”
Seungkwan trailed off, not wanting to verbalize his memories. Hansol nodded, hoping his acknowledgement could be seen from the other man’s peripheral vision.
“I love my lola, and alam kong mahal niya rin ako. Kaya mas masakit na yung birthday ko every year that passed since then.
And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, my worst one just happened last year. Naiiyak parin ako every time I remember it.” Seungkwan paused, digging his bag for tissues before continuing to talk. Before he could find one, he saw Hansol’s arm reaching out with a handkerchief in hand.
“Gamitin mo na,” he offered. Seungkwan took his offer and patted the cloth on his now tear-stained face.
“Last year, I went to Cebu to meet my tito and his family who had a 3-day layover. Kinailangan nila ng tagabantay sa 5-year old cousin ko kasi they had an adult-only appointment. Ako lang yung may flexible schedule nun, so ako yung lumuwas.
My birthday fell on the second day of their trip, so I would have had to spend it with them.
The night before ng flight ko, nagkatalo kami ni Mama. It wasn’t anything deep. It was a petty fight. Nung paalis na ‘ko ng bahay, hindi niya ko pinansin. So yung nangyari, nung nasa bus ako papuntang airport, todo iyak ako na parang OFW. Nasanay kasi kaming ‘Ingat’ ang sinasabi pag may aalis. And dahil overthinker ako, sabi ko sa sarili ko, what if mag-crash yung eroplanong sinakyan ko tapos sisihin ni Mama ‘yung sarili niya kasi ‘di niya ako sinabihang magingat ako?”
As if the world wasn’t done playing with him, Seungkwan’s attention was grabbed when the radio suddenly played Sayaw Kikay by Viva Hot Babes. He let out a small laugh, which Hansol surprisingly echoed. Seungkwan laughed because he found the setting funny. Hansol laughed because he didn’t want to shed a tear.
“Sayaw Kikay amp,” said Seungkwan, still smiling at the irony of the song and their conversation. “Anyway, tas ayun. Nung araw ng birthday ko na nasa Cebu na ‘ko, ‘di ko alam bakit pa ko umasa when I’d stopped na for years. Pero kahit kay Mama man lang, isip ko nu’n.
Alam mo ba yung feeling ng isang toxic na jowa na naka tambay sa Messenger para sa reply ng jowa niya? Ganun ako nun. Panay swipe sa notifs, check ng oras, open ng Messenger. Wala.
Iniisip ko nun, ‘di man lang ba natutuwa yung nanay ko na pinanganak ako?”
Seungkwan wiped the last tear that escaped his eyes before he noticed that Hansol was mirroring his actions, only with a silenced sniffle.
“Oh, napaka-empathetic mo naman,” he said teasingly, with hopes to lighten the mood.
“I’m sorry you had to go through all of that,” Hansol started. “‘Di bale, babatiin kita sa birthday mo.”
“‘Di mo nga alam kailan eh,” sagot ni Seungkwan
“January diba? Edi babatiin kita everyday sa January.” This little thought made Seungkwan smile.
As if on cue, the car stopped in front of Seungkwan’s condo building. He secured his stuff before opening the door.
“Thanks for listening, Sol.”
“Kwan, even if it’s not your birthday, I will always celebrate you,” Hansol said.
Seungkwan smiled before exiting the car and entering his condo building.
Meron pala.