Chapter Text
Lars rips one of the last pages left from his calendar hanging on the wall near the window. Now there’s only one page left and a mockingbird picture. He loves that picture and suddenly feels sad as he would have to get rid of it soon. But November is gone and so he crumples the sheet in one hand and tosses it in the bin. He peeks through the window, noticing a white layer of snow covering his car. The coldest days are just around the corner.
He looks back at the calendar. December in big capitals words, reminding him the year is near to reach its end. But the start of a new month, a very busy one, indeed.
Lars isn't one to worry much about it. In fact, he likes the festivities, enjoys helping at church around this time of the year and preparing a hot chocolate coming home from work. Like the way the fairy lights would light up the whole town as he drives back home. He really appreciated the decoration, yet every year he only reserved himself to hang a wreath on his front door despite Karin’s insistence to help him decorate the outdoors of the garage a little.
But this year was different. This year he really cared about Christmas. He cared so much to the point it was making him worry about something he couldn't quite pinpoint, but he could feel it in his stomach. Even in his heartbeat, as if it was out of tune.
This was going to be the very first Christmas with baby Elinor around and the first one he would share with someone special he cared so deeply, you.
Just the thought of it sends chills down his spine. Not out of fright but anxiety, something he rarely dealt with. He wants this to be perfect, for Elinor, who was still too little to understand what even Christmas was about, and for you.
He wants this to be meaningful for you, to make every second memorable, so you could understand why he loved winter so much. It was his favorite season after all, he could do a few of his favorite things, like chopping down wood on a daily basis. And besides, the cold air and snow always gave him the perfect chance to wear a few more layers of clothing than he could in summer or spring, even though he was working on reducing it to a maximum of three layers. Shirt, sweater and coat. He also loved taking a walk down the lake by himself; he could spot a deer in the distance if he was lucky enough.
He couldn’t wait to share all of it with you now.
Lars takes a deep breath in, holds it for a few seconds before breathing out, reassuring himself everything will be alright and that there is no need to worry yet, at least for now. The sound of his foot tapping the floor proves to him that it was harder to stop the anxiety physically than mentally and, that despite his attempts to stop his overthinking mind, the nagging feeling still held onto him tightly, wandering to a subject he never really paid so much attention to until now. Christmas gifts.
The question pops into his head and seems to get stuck. No real answer followed, instead, the fact that he was struggling so much to find an answer for such a simple question was burning the turmoil in his stomach.
What should he get you for Christmas?
There were plenty of options and he never considered himself good at making decisions, so it seemed like the question would keep him busy for a few days at least. He knows he could play it safe and buy you a new scarf that would match your new shoes, or maybe a necklace, but that didn't feel like the best idea. You deserve something better, something that will truly show you how much he cares about you, that he truly loves you, even when he already said it on plenty occasions.
Either way, you aren’t really a material person, he knew that, neither is he.
And he also knows that if he asks you what you want for Christmas you’ll come up with something cheesy like ‘You’re all I need for Christmas.’ And the simple thought was enough to get him flustered. You always seemed to know what to say.
He has plenty of time to figure that out anyway, ‘one thing at a time’ he reminds himself, cause there was still some stuff he needed to figure out first he notices as his eyes fly back to the calendar.
December 1st is circled with a red marker for a reason. It was his first monthly appointment with Dr. Dagmar.
After Bianca passed away Dr. Dagmar suggested him to continue attending therapy, reassuring him it would help him cope with loss and grief in a much better way than he could on his own. And she was right.
Of course it wasn’t easy nor quick, healing takes time, especially for such a particular scar Bianca left behind. It felt like a hole in his chest. A part of him missing. She was his first love after all, and he lost so much more than that. The time they spent together wasn’t much, he was lucky enough to only have her for a few months, but it held so much history to him. Their love was unique, it felt stronger than anything he ever felt before. Not only because she was his first girlfriend, something he never imagined he would find, but for the first time in his life he felt safe with someone, held, not only physically but emotionally too, seen, loved and understood.
Bianca had kind of the same life story as him: lost her mother the same way he did, felt out of place most of her childhood; she was a woman of few words, preferred winter instead of summer and bread with butter for breakfast. She really understood him, always listened, and that could be one of the reasons why they were perfect for each other, but maybe they were too similar and that’s also why everything started to fall apart in the end.
At some point, he swore he would never fall in love again, he felt like he couldn't risk it all once more but that quickly changed when he met you. You were nothing like Bianca, and that scared him at first. Thought you were so out of his reach, but that only made him more curious about you and he quickly discovered you had more in common than he imagined. You preferred coffee over tea, just like him, with two sugar, enjoyed reading and doing crosswords in your free time. You talked more, you laughed more, you complimented him more, you seemed more… alive. And that was enough to make him reconsider that maybe he wasn’t destined to end up alone for the rest of his life. That maybe it was worth risking it all again and hope nothing bad will happen, for you.
So far, almost 9 months later since Bianca passed away, Lars doesn't mind still attending therapy. He doesn’t feel as lost as he did back then, yet his touch aversion is still… complicated, but definitely better than ever before. There were some advances, like at least he can bear the feeling of holding your hand, not yet a hug. All he could say is that it was nice to have someone like Dr. Dagmar to talk to from time to time. Especially on occasions like this when every thought connects to another and starts feeling overwhelming. Talking to her felt almost cathartic sometimes, and he definitely needs that today.
He reaches for his coat and his toque since the snow doesn't seem like it will stop anytime soon, then pats his pockets to make sure he has everything: keys, wallet, gloves. He steps outside, the cold air biting instantly at his cheeks, the snow crunches beneath his boots as he walks towards his car.
The engine sputtered before catching. He let it warm while he brushed off the windshield with stiff hands. Everything felt quieter in winter, like even the world held its breath for a moment. As he backs out, he tries to focus on the road ahead, but thoughts of Christmas, dinner, gifts, all of it involving you, keeps drifting in, floating to the surface no matter how hard he tries to focus on something else, paperwork, neighbours, the bird's chirping, anything. Nothing really seems to work.
It definitely didn’t help that the radio played soft holiday music all the way to the clinic. Something he would have enjoyed if he weren't so worried about the course of the weeks ahead.
When he finally pulls into the parking lot, he sits still for a moment, fingers tapping nervously on the steering wheel despite being here countless times, lower lip caught in between his teeth, trying to stop his train of thought for a moment. Then he drew one last long breath, got out and made his way inside.
The warm temperature of the waiting room feels like a warm embrace as he enters, and just when he tries to unwrap his scarf from around his neck the receptionist tells him Dagmar is already waiting for him. He thanks her politely before walking down the hallway towards her office.
“Good morning, Lars.” Dagmar greets him as she sees Lars pass through the door and sit down on his usual spot. On the corner, next to the bookshelf.
“Morning” he replies gently, continuing to take off his gloves, carefully folding them on his lap.
As usual, Lars remains silent, patiently waiting for her to ask her usual question while she finishes some paperwork.
“So… how have you been since the last session?” She asks, her eyes not darting away from the sheets in front of her.
Not a lot happened since then, which was two weeks ago, except for the nerve wracking feeling he felt since he woke up today.
“I've been fine… work's been good.” He answers, hoping that would be a good enough answer for her.
“Well, that's good to hear.” Lars nods, and he just knows she was silently waiting for him to bring up something else, yet nothing came to mind. “Not feeling very festive yet?” She mentions casually as she looks up at him.
He simply shook his head and shrugged his shoulders at the same time, not sure of what to answer. It’s not that he wasn’t excited, the anxiety he was feeling was taking over his excitement.
“I am… it’s just that…” He trails off, a grimace curving his lips as he tries to come up with the right words to describe it. “I think I’m worried about Christmas this year.” He confesses, as if Dagmar could have a cure to make his worries go away.
“Oh, well I guess that’s understandable, a few things might change with a baby around now.” She reassured, but Lars only shook his head again cause that wasn’t the biggest issue.
“It’s not only about Elinor… I’d like to invite… you know,” He adds, and Dagmar knows who he’s referring to. “I just hope she says yes.”
“Is that what you’re so worried about?” She asks, her tone a little confused as she knew the chances of you saying ‘no’ were pretty low by the way Lars always talked about you. There was no doubt you’d do anything for him.
“Yes, but not really. Just the whole thing feels scary, I guess.” He avows with a heavy sigh, his leg bouncing involuntarily. She knew what he meant, it had to do with the fact that he wasn’t used to things being different. In his belief, if something changed then the chances of something going wrong would be higher, and that’s why he preferred sticking to a routine most of the time.
“Well, you’ve been through a lot of changes this year, haven’t you?” She encouraged, Lars simply nodded. “And all of those changes brought you here, so it can't be so bad, right?”
He isn’t quite convinced with her statement, but he considers it. He knew that he couldn’t avoid change forever, he needs to face it at some point, even more if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.
Outside, the cold greeted him once again. He felt relieved as the cold air filled his lungs. He took his time as he made his way to his car, replaying Dr. Dagmar’s words over and over again with every step he took. He thought he would come out of the clinic feeling less nervous, but instead got a few more things to think about for the next few weeks. Really important things. But that’s what therapy is about, it doesn’t really work if you’re not questioning yourself. And she was right, he hadn't really thought ahead about his life with her.
He found himself daydreaming about it as he turned every street, the so-well-known road towards your job. He discovered there were many things that he wanted to do with you, stuff that he’d never considered ever before, but he allowed himself to at least consider them, ignoring the potential negative outcomes and focusing on the bright side instead.
Once he arrives destination he parks, turning off the engine, and letting his breath fog the cold air as he sits waiting for you to come out of the store. He checks on his watch, only 20 minutes left before your shift ends. Another 20 minutes alone with his thoughts and some jolly background music.
He could manage another 20 minutes.
And when he least expected, you finally appear, bundled in your coat with a bright smile, making yourself notice by tapping at the side window. Lars jolts a little, snapping out of it and unlocking the passenger door for you, and feels like everything inside him settled for a moment.
You happily greet him with a kiss on his cheek, and, to his surprise, your nose doesn’t feel cold as it briefly brushes against his skin. Somehow, you felt warm most of the time, even on the coldest days, and that only made him want to hug you more, even if it would be painful.
“Didn't know you were coming to pick me up today…” You mention, happy to see his face after a long day, putting the seat belt on. Lars only watches you silently.
“Oh… I got my appointment today… with Dr. Dagmar, thought I could take you home.”
And suddenly, it all makes sense. “Oh, how did that go?”
“It was fine.” He simply answers, not rude but coyly, shrugging his shoulders, not really wanting to elaborate more than that. You don't want to push him either, and he really appreciates that.
“I’m glad.” You murmure softly with a smile. And for a moment, the jolly music seems to sound louder.
“So… Christmas, huh?”
This was his ‘smooth’ and totally casual way to bring up the topic, as subtle as he could be. He regretted it as soon as the words left his mouth, but it was too late now, you heard him.
“Yeah, only 24 days down, right?” You asked as if you haven't been counting down the days on your own calendar for months. Lars nodded, looking at the wheel instead of you as he murmured his next question, only loud enough for you to hear.
“Do you have… any plans for the date?” He closed his eyes as soon as the words left his mouth, just waiting for your answer and only then he would feel confident enough to look at you again. He needed to know that you wanted him, that you wanted to spend Christmas with him this year.
“Not really.” You answered, and you could just tell what he's about to say next but bit back a smile. “Do you?”
“Well… I'll be spending it at Gus and Karin’s since it's Elinor's first… we'll probably just have dinner together but you're more than invited if you wan–”
“Yes! I'd love to, Lars.” You accepted without a doubt.
And so, he finally opened his eyes again, a warm smile spreading across his face as he looked right through you.
He didn't say anything else but that smile clung onto him for the rest of the drive home.