Chapter Text
I don't even really know why I'm here. I don't know what kind of remaining part of me dragged me here. It's capable of being free now. So I'll make use of it and tell you about what has possessed me… Even though I myself don't know. You… You might be able to help, no?
Everybody always tells me I think too much. Since I was a kid. But I never really had those kinds of too much thinking thoughts when you just… Doubt everything and even reality itself? That's what I've had for the past… I don't know, though. Suddenly been doubting little things. It got really bad. I don't know when this breaking point happened. I seem to have lost the ability to perceive time the same way human beings do. I think I was one of them. I am not sure.
I was staring into my fridge. I don't know if all the things I said were just in my head or if I spoke them out loud.
“I was in a store yesterday. So why's the milk in the fridge gone bad so quickly?” I grabbed what appeared to be a carton of milk to check the expiration date.
“The expiration date goes way back to years ago. Had I been in a store at all? What day is it? What year is it? Is this my fridge? Do I even live here? I'm feeling strange.” Without thinking my… Feet must have brought me over to a… How do you call it? A window, yes.
“What are these meaty creatures walking outside? How do they walk? What are they thinking of? Are they breathing, or are they not?” The sight of human beings had stirred within me a different feeling than what I vaguely remember I felt before. This time, I felt as if I were gazing upon a different species. Somehow my legs must have acted upon themselves again, this time dragging me to a mirror I don't remember where in what apparently is or was my home.
“I'm supposed to be like them? I do not resemble them. Can they perceive me? Do they see what I see? Do they think I'm a fraud pretending to fit into the same skin as them?” I remember knowing what Impostor syndrome is. It could be partially applied to what I had felt. I was then silent for some moments, both in speech and thoughts. Then I heard noises which resembled choking. Moments later I realized that I seemingly forgot to breathe. I took ragged breaths afterwards. And somehow my legs made me go outside. I don't remember how or when.
“The light… sharp… What is the giant glowing sphere in the sky? Is it real? Can I turn it off? It's hurting me.” I think that at that time I acted upon my free will. I returned inside, into what must have been my room, locked the doors, and shut the window blinds. It felt correct to lay down on the ground. And so I did. The ground was firm and comfortable.
“Have I turned the light source off? Why am I doing this? I was not afraid of the dark… I am not afraid of the dark.” At this point I started to hear small noises akin to whispers, but which I at first dismissed as that screeching in your ears. Tinnitus it was called, I vaguely recall.
“Am I blind or is this the dark? No… it's alive… I feel like it wants something. H-Huh…? What are you?” The whispers started getting louder, gaining enough resemblance to voices for me to pay them attention.
“Are you calling out to me? There's so many of you… Who's saying all that…?” Before the voices didn't make sense. Didn't form words. Now they did. But I did not recognize the words.
“I cannot recognize this voice… Or voices…? I do not understand you. Why are you calling out to me? What are you? Stop! Stop! Stop! My ears… You're too loud… They hurt…” The loudness… They began to be so loud it hurt… The previously intelligible words started to form into words of which meanings I could comprehend. One was very insistent. More than the others. OPEN THE DOOR It or they said.
“Why is there a door beneath me…?” I don't know when, and I don't know how, I don't know if I want to know or if I will know… There appeared doors beneath me. One of my hands gripped the handle. It might have been an accident or an instinct. I turned it enough for the door to open.
I began falling. I screamed, but I didn't hear myself scream. But I felt it. There was dead silence, except for that screeching in my ears. I was falling for a very long time. As for the place… It's still a mystery to me… But I'll try to describe it the best as I can. At a certain point in my existence, when I was in the dark and trying to make sleep come to me, I pressed my fists against my eyes tightly. Everybody has done this at least once. What you see when you do that is exactly what I saw around me while falling. At first it was constantly repeating patterns… Which shifted. They were black… And… How to describe it? Grey mixed with dark green and brown? The patterns constantly shifted, and so did the colours. It was mind baffling. It baffled your mind, your senses, and overwhelmed you in all the ways you can think of. You didn't even know if you were falling up, or down, or in any other direction. I know I was moving, though. I felt the vertigo of falling. What a pleasant feeling. I wouldn't mind if I were falling for the rest of my existence. The impact wasn't doing anything to arrive. It would start to play with an average person’s mind. Mine apparently wasn't. I kept falling. The patterns did not cease shifting. A lot of them were like a colorful, and very big, caleidoscope. Sometimes it was bluish, sometimes purplish. Do you know how certain bacteria look under a microscope? That was one of the patterns too. Quite green. Constantly falling towards it, yet not getting closer at all. One of them was also just pitch darkness. Those were the most unnerving ones. But the patterns were at least reliable in the fact they constantly shifted. Observing them made me feel mesmerized and baffled. Maybe it was my own mind playing tricks by showing me something I would recognize. It did manage to keep me not bored.
As I said, I don't know how long I was falling. The impact was the most unexpected thing I remember. I know I actually got used to falling. It didn't take even a second, and I landed. Through a door. It was just a normal door in a café. I hit the ground as if I just fell from where I'd stand, and not as if I hit the ground after falling for an eternity. A thing called physics doesn't allow that, right? The humans all stared at me in confusion. I can tell there was a certain judgment in their gazes. Most were confused, though. I didn't even bother asking what day is it, for I did not remember what day was it when it started
One thing is for sure. Almost immediately afterwards, I wasn't really the one I was. I still was in my body. I still saw through my own eyes. But something moved the vessel of my consciousness instead of me. And.. It started influencing my thoughts. I feel as though there is a strong presence to which whatever has possessed me must serve. Am I its victim? Am I destined to serve it? My consciousness will not dissipate. I don't know how I know that, but I do. It will soon fully merge with… I don't know how to call it or refer to it.
Even if you won't be able to help me, you'll know. I will not feel any desire for vengeance nor will I feel spite towards you and this Institute once I will become something else. I don't remember if I have anybody to whom to say goodbye to. I don't remember if I will be missed. But I do feel like that soon… I won't think about those things.