Archive of Our Own

February 2025 – Mexico City

The silence in the room echoes after their handshake and Tyler stands there for a moment, the camera’s gaze heavy on him. To do it so naturally after so long is reassuring. There is something vaguely comforting about the muscle memory of it. Although Josh forgetting to clap twice has Tyler remembering all the forgotten moments he’s pushed down.

How long has it been?

Years.

The next words come to mind without him having to think about it. It’s something he is always thinking about in the back of his mind, but at least they can play it up for the camera.

“Should we kiss now..?!” Tyler lets the smirk spread across his face, waiting for Josh’s reaction.

There’s something possessive in him when he teases Josh like this. It’s something Josh doesn’t really joke about directly anymore, but Tyler is going to keep it up. Even if there is some part of him that aches as he says it.

“How many years has it been?” Josh immediately joins in on the joke, laughing with Tyler. “Couple days…”

“Couple weeks…” Tyler responds, speaking over Josh.

They both laugh, looking down at the floor. Tyler loves that they can still joke like this. It heals something in him every time Josh laughs. But the ache remains; always there deep in his chest, wrapping its tendrils around his ribs. He puts his hand back on the chair, the other rubbing at the smooth edge of the table, fingers tapping on the metal, needing something to do.

There is another lull in conversation. Tyler has run out of things to say, and it seems like Josh has too. Everything feels like a façade put on for the cameras, but Tyler knows that he and Josh would make much more crude jokes if the cameras weren’t here. Now that Josh lives back in Ohio, the jokes flow more freely, but they still remain bittersweet. Tyler wonders if Josh feels the same about them, but there is a part of him that is too scared to find out. What if he doesn’t?

Another knock at the door breaks the festering silence.

“Stage time boys. You ready?”

They walk side by side, camera following behind. Tyler fiddles with his in ears and thinks about telling Josh what he’s really thinking. But Josh is busy hyping up the crew, giving out pats on the back and high-fives on their passage through the tech desk backstage. The nerves are getting to Tyler now. 65,000 people are waiting beyond this curtain and all he can think about is how it has nearly been eleven years. Tyler shakes his head, he can’t be thinking about this now, they have a show to play. And then a warm hand rests on his lower back, Josh is there, head leaning close to whisper in Tyler’s ear.

“You okay?”

Tyler can feel the brush of Josh’s lips on the shell of his ear, already red and warm from the in-ears nestled in them. It’s nearly been eleven years since he felt those lips anywhere else.

He has to tell Josh; he can’t play a show like this.

Tyler glances back, noting that the cameras have moved to the side of the stage, waiting to film his entrance. In the roar of the crowd outside the curtain, with people rushing back and forth, doing their jobs and taking no notice of them, Tyler feels a sense of privacy somehow.

“It’s nearly been eleven years.” He speaks quietly, trying not to draw any attention from those around them, but Josh just looks on confused.

“What?”

“I said it’s nearly been eleven years. You asked. Back in the dressing room.” Tyler raises his voice a little, eyes darting between cameras, checking no one is capturing this moment.

“Oh. Since we..?” Josh’s sentence trails off, the bubble of privacy torn away as someone pushes past too close for comfort.

“Yeah.” Tyler tears his eyes away from Josh, unsure at this reaction.

At least he told Josh. Now he can focus on the show. The usual deadly calm settles over him, heart beating fast, and everything falling away until all he can focus on is the music. Someone is calling Josh away to right stage. Tyler’s being directed to the left. He walks on autopilot now, one foot in front of the other. Before he leaves, Josh catches Tyler’s arm in his grasp, speaking quickly before hurrying away. With his in ears in properly and the roar of the crowd, Tyler has to read his lips rather than listen to what he says. It looks like ‘later’, but he can’t be sure because Josh is tugging his bandana up and already on his way.

Later.

The word lingers in the air, unheard, but recognised. It was always later. That was the problem. LA was three hours behind, but Josh was miles ahead, and Tyler was left floundering in the mud, a fish waiting on the evolution of its legs.

Later.

It held promises of more, and conversations of less. Tyler knew that. He lets the bass of Josh’s kick drum fill him up. Heavy and strong, covering the noise of the crowd. Maybe they would talk later this time. Maybe they wouldn’t. But it was now, and he had to focus on that. The backing vocals ring through his in-ears and Tyler realises his queue. Five steps and a jump, and then they are off.

✧✧✧✧✧✧✧

March 2014 – Columbus Ohio

“I’m proud of you, you should chase this. It’ll be good for you.” Tyler smiles as Josh rolls the last of his suitcases across the paved driveway and lifts them into the car.

“Thanks Ty. I’m excited, but also a little nervous.” Josh shuts the trunk, the click of the latch sealing his fate.

Looking around, Tyler can’t see anyone, but he heads back into the house just in case. Josh follows him eagerly. In the hallway, Tyler closes the door and tugs Josh out of the view of the windows, hand grasping at fingers.

“Sorry, just one more thing before you go.” Further into the hallway, where he knows they can’t be spotted, Tyler turns back to Josh. Josh grins, knowing what is coming.

“You’re insatiable.” He lets Tyler push him back against the wall, hands reaching for his hips.

“Shut up.” Tyler breaths out against Josh’s mouth, closing the final few millimetres.

He cradles Josh’s face in his hands. The stubble tickling the soft skin of his palms and prickling against his face. Josh pulls him closer; fingertips sink under t-shirts, holding tightly onto Tyler’s waist. Tyler can feel his emotions crawling their way up his throat and he fights back, kissing Josh harder. The groan that Josh lets out helps a little. It fights the voices in Tyler’s head, beats them back into submission. But they are on a time limit here.

Tyler pulls back, resting his forehead against Josh’s. Josh wraps his arms around him tighter, pulling him into the embrace that he knows he can’t have at the airport. Tyler sneaks his arms around Josh’s neck, holding him back just as tightly. Savouring the touch.

In the four years that they’ve known each other, they have never been apart for longer than two weeks. And that was just at the beginning. Since they’ve started whatever this is between them, Tyler hasn’t gone for more than three days without seeing Josh, without holding him close. Tyler doesn’t know how he is going to cope, but he is trying not to show it. He doesn’t want to ruin this moment for Josh. Right now, Tyler needs to think about Josh, not himself. He can’t be selfish any longer.

As Josh pushes him gently away, Tyler grips on tighter, not ready to pull away. Tears prick at his eyes and he sniffs them back, trying to keep a lid on his emotions.

“Come on baby. We can’t be late.” Josh circles his thumbs against the soft skin of Tyler’s hip bones. But Tyler still holds on, melting at the pet name that comes so easily to Josh’s lips.

“I’m gonna miss you.” He mumbles into the crease of Josh’s shoulder, head tucked in and breathing in deeply, surrounding himself with the familiar smell. He can’t quite stop the crack of his voice, vocal cords wavering with emotion.

“Hey… Don’t go getting all sad on me now. We can always visit each other, Ty. You know I can’t stay away from you for too long. I need my Tyler fix.” Josh pushes Tyler back properly now, ducking to catch Tyler’s dipped gaze. “I’m gonna call you as soon as I get to my apartment. Okay?” He presses another kiss to Tyler’s lips.

“Okay.” Tyler nods, wiping his eyes discreetly as he turns towards the door, grabbing a jacket from the coat rack by the door.

The drive to the airport is quiet. A tense sort of silence, thick with all the things left unsaid. Tyler drives with one hand on the wheel, the other resting on Josh’s thigh, only moving to change gears. At least he can have this; hidden from public view by the slightly tinted windows and roaring traffic, he squeezes Josh’s leg. Josh tangles his fingers with the hand resting on his leg and neither of them says anything to break the silence.

Tyler wants to beg Josh to stay. He wants to bawl his eyes out and show how he really feels about this move. But he stays silent, swallowing back the pain. He knows this is what Josh needs, he just wishes the same could be said for himself. But Tyler will never leave Ohio. He couldn’t. Its dark winters, cold and harsh, hold him fast in their claws. Its long summer days, echoing with the splashing of water and the smell of tarmac, balance him out. At least, that’s what he tells himself; it wouldn’t do to mess it all up, not now. Who knows what might happen if he lost his darkness for good? Who’s to say that LA would fix him?

Right now, the rough fingertips that caress the back of his hand are the only thing keeping Tyler here in the moment. He can feel his thoughts drifting already like dogs waiting at the door, eager to chase, to hunt, to pursue. But he won’t let them out, not yet. Not with Josh still here. Not with Jenna waiting back at home. There’s a twitch in his hand, a nudge of the wheel, and Josh looks up sharply. Tyler can feel the eyes watching him, gauging what might have happened.

He would never do that to Josh. But the choice hangs over him often in the car.

Behind the wheel of a power-hungry machine, one small movement could change everything. It would be a split second of a decision. Over before he knew what was happening. Metal and rubber all twisted up. Sirens haunting the air. But no. Not today.

Today he is going to drop Josh at the airport.

He is going to drive home carefully.

Greet Jenna at the door and hang his coat up like she asked.

He will head down to the studio.

And he will wait.

Wait for the ringing of the phone, for Josh’s voice, tinny and static on the other end; nearly 2000 miles away.

After that, Tyler hasn’t planned. He just knows he has to keep it together long enough for Josh to have a happy start. With the airport looming in front of them. Getting closer by the minute, everything feels very abrupt. But the decisions have been made, and there is no backing out now.

In the departures gate of the airport, Tyler watches Josh wheel his two ginormous suitcases towards check in. He waits, leaning against the wall and trying not to look suspicious. Josh wanted to check in the luggage by himself, thinking that the two of them would draw attention, either from fans, or from the gate staff wondering why Tyler didn’t have a boarding pass. For his own peace of mind and to quell Josh’s anxieties, Tyler agreed to wait elsewhere with the promise that Josh would still come and say goodbye. Even if he wants to spend every last moment he has at Josh’s side.

He is heading back over now, and Tyler tries to act normally. He takes a deep breath and wills himself not to cry. Neither of them really knows what to say. There are things that they can’t say or do in public, and Tyler wishes they had had more time back in the hallway. He wants to wrap himself around Josh, to claw at his skin until they become one. But Josh looks so happy and excited.

“Walk me to security?” He asks, shrugging as he comes to a stop next to Tyler, a hopeful look in his eyes.

“Yeah.” Tyler ducks his eyes and starts walking, sticking as close as he can to Josh without looking weird.

They walk without talking, the silence much the same as in the car. Fingers brushing occasionally where their arms swing next to each other. Around them, people bustle around, arriving and departing, greeting loved ones and waving goodbye. Tyler can feel himself losing touch, the world pulses in and out around him. The airport becomes grainy and harsh in its lighting. Squeaking wheels and scuffing feat drowned by the roar of blood in his ears; the static is broken by Josh’s voice, the only thing that Tyler can focus on right now.

“Okay... I guess this is goodbye then.” Josh turns to face Tyler, back to the barrier that separates them from the security queue.

It is already farther than Tyler should have been allowed. There is a separate area for saying goodbye. But he is glad that Josh has somehow led him here. Even though it is still very busy, it is much less emotional. Josh rocks on his feet in front of him, and Tyler isn’t sure what to do or say. He should have taken more time in the hallway.

Suddenly Josh wraps him in a hug, familiar arms surrounding him. For a second, Tyler panics. What if someone sees?! But it is a friendly hug. Nothing more and nothing less. He lets his own arms find their way around Josh’s body, awkwardly holding onto the rucksack slung over his shoulders. Josh squeezes him before letting go, a whisper left in his ear.

“I love you.”

Now with the distance between them, Tyler has to speak louder to return the gesture.

“Love you bro.” He adds the friendly nickname in case anyone overhears, but catches Josh’s eyes as he says it, hoping he can convey what he really wants to say.

I love you, I love you, and I don’t want you to go!

He wills Josh to understand him.

“You gonna be okay?” Josh looks concerned now, maybe Tyler said too much with his face.

“Yeah. Don’t worry ‘bout me.” Tyler shrugs, lifting his mouth in a small smile.

He steps back and the distance between them already feels like miles. Josh makes a move towards joining the queue. Tyler can’t help himself. He reaches out and grabs the elbow of Josh’s hoodie, eyes beginning to water. Josh turns, his own eyes are shining with unshed tears as well.

“Just. Get there safely, okay? Text me when you land.”

Josh nods and that’s it. He slips into the rope lined walkway that navigates the queue into snaking back and forth, swiftly followed by a family of four, and then a couple with intertwined hands. Josh is the only one Tyler can see that is travelling by himself. As Josh is obscured from view, Tyler turns on his heel and walks back towards the entrance, holding back the tears.

One foot in front of the other. That’s what he tells himself to keep his body moving forward. To stop himself from crumpling to the floor and giving up.

One foot in front of the other…

Eventually he makes it back to the car. Slipping into the driver’s seat and closing the door. The rush of noise from outside cuts off abruptly. Plane engines and traffic replaced by ringing static. The car is warmer than outside, but Tyler can’t bring himself to remove his jacket. He burrows his face down into the collar and the tears start to fall.

At some point Josh must have borrowed his coat, because it smells warm and musky and just like him. Tyler doesn’t know how to keep going. He throws his arm over his face, tucking his nose into the crook of his elbow and hiding away from the world. He wonders if Josh is okay on the other side of the security check. If he is bawling his eyes out like Tyler. Or if he’s sitting there in silence.

There’s a ping from somewhere in his coat, and Tyler ignores it, too overwhelmed with emotion to bother. It rings out again and he rips his arm away from his face, squinting at the sudden bright light. He pats the coat all over, trying to remember which pocket he put his phone in. What if its Josh?

When he finds the phone, Josh name pops up on the lock screen. Tyler can barely see through his tears, and he types the password wrong on the first try, growling in frustration. After the second try, the phone opens and he is presented with Josh’s text.

Wish I could have kissed you goodbye…

I’m missing you already.

Tyler lets out a breathless laugh before replying with shaky fingers.

me too

He doesn’t specify with of Josh’s texts he agrees with, but he hopes that Josh understands that it is both of them. He wants so badly to be allowed to love Josh in the open, but with their band gaining recognition, and his relationship with Jenna already public, they have no choice but to hide. He’s had Josh longer than Jenna, but they’ve never labelled it. Too scared or too shy. It felt like so much more than a label.

Tyler puts his phone down and wipes the tears from his face. It’s time to head home. Taking a breath, he starts the car and concentrates on the world around him.

One foot in front of the other.

At the door of the house, Jenna greets him with a sad smile. She knows how hard this is for him. She knows he should have been back quicker than he was. She doesn’t know how many times he stopped, or exactly why he stopped, and Tyler would rather keep it that way. He doesn’t want her to worry.

The urge was hard to fight with the desolate sadness that Josh’s departure left behind. But he promised Jenna he would make it home safe. He promised Josh he would phone him later. Living on the hopes of others. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. He always returns here in the end.

Jenna takes his coat and hangs it up, letting Tyler move past her into the house, toeing off his shoes and lining them up by the door. He talked to her yesterday about needing space, and he knows she will give it to him. So, he slinks down to the basement without saying anything. Down to his sanctuary. It’s a place that is filled with Josh’s presence, and as soon as he shuts the door, the tears begin to flow again. Its small and roughly put together, but Tyler dreams of one day having a bigger space. For now, it will do, and the familiarity is comforting.

Taking the blanket off the back of his chair, and the cushion off of Josh’s dedicated stool, he crawls under the desk. Shoved against the back wall, it creates a secluded hide away. Somewhere to escape to when everything is too much. Tyler curls up and lets himself cry. How is he going to do this?

Another flood of tears starts up when he realises that the blurry black pile near his head is Josh’s discarded hoodie from the other day. Left behind and forgotten. Just like Tyler. But he pulls it close anyway. Breathing in Josh’s scent and trying to calm down. He knows he’s on the verge of hyperventilating. Body shivering with the sheer power of this emotion. Sadness has always been the strongest for him. Deep and cold and all consuming.

With his phone waiting by his head, Tyler waits for Josh’s call. Cheeks tear-stained and breathing ragged. Curled up into a ball under the desk.

✧✧✧✧✧✧✧

February 2025 – Mexico City

On the short break that the Car Radio teleportation trick provides him, Tyler lets himself think. He follows the crew as they direct him around the back of the stage and up the emergency stairs to the roof. Putting one foot in front of the other. He knows it wasn’t Josh’s fault all those years ago. Most of it was his own fault.

For a while they tried. Late night phone calls of whispered promises. Promising to always speak to each other if something was up. They experimented with what they could do with the constraints of a phone. There was sexting, which they both found fun, but missed the intimacy of each other’s voices. So, then they tried phone calls, but missed seeing each other; so they tried skype, but the camera felt too intruding. Everything felt like a breach of privacy and it twisted sex into something that made them both anxious. So, gradually, they stopped.

Tyler saw photos of Josh at parties, arm slung around Debby. Grinning wide. He knew he couldn’t say anything. It was no different from what he had with Jenna. But knowing that Josh had moved to where Debby lived hurt. He hadn’t moved for her, but she was definitely part of the decision. Tyler felt like he had been pushed into second place. Something that he couldn’t comprehend with his own equal designations of Josh and Jenna. He presumed Josh felt the same way, but suddenly he was falling being and he couldn’t work out why.

Josh was living his dream life. Suddenly he wasn’t the nerdy emo kid who hung around with the depressed lyricist who sung of doubt and God and pleaded for someone to save him. Tyler could easily see why he would have wanted to leave. In LA, Josh could be a drummer, he could be a pop star. He could hang out with all the celebrities that he was starting to have access to, and Debby could introduce him to even more. And Tyler watched it all from behind a screen.

Slowly he picked up the phone less, he let Josh come to him; he didn’t let himself go to Josh. The distance became tangible, and the gaps between conversations grew. When tour started up again, they had no privacy and nothing could be rekindled. On a short break between shows, Tyler back in Columbus, and Josh out in LA, Tyler’s phone rung and he knew what was coming.

It’s just too tricky.

It doesn’t feel like it used to.

I still love you dude, but I don’t think it’s working.

I think we’re just making each other sad with this longing.

To this day, Tyler can still recall exactly what Josh said, word for word. How he had to be the brave one and speak up, because Tyler was wallowing in his melancholy and exhaustion. Hoping that if it was never acknowledged, then it wouldn’t end for good. Tyler knew he pushed people away; he knew that. But he couldn’t bring himself to save what was left.

So, they moved back to being friends. Not much changed in outward appearances. They still hung out when they could. They still called every week. But inside him, Tyler felt the sharp edges of his broken heart.

Jenna helped. She always did. She brought a brand-new sense of understanding and perspective that Tyler couldn’t see. And slowly they all made it through. Eventually, they were comfortable enough to joke again, and the sparks still set off inside Tyler at every suggestion. He longed for what they had to come back. But he also respected Josh’s choice. If he couldn’t have Josh completely, then he would settle for being his best friend.

The bright spotlight clicking on snaps Tyler out of his reverie. Toes inches from the edge of the roof. His silhouette outlined on the building behind him. The roar of the crowd picks back up and he rights himself. No more distractions. Later. Just as Josh said.

Later.

In the deafening cheers from the crowd, they leave the stage. Cameras already back up and ready to film their departure. Thankfully, they leave them at the green room to change. Josh slips in after Tyler, bag in hand from his own room.

“Hey.” Tyler smiles as he speaks. “We just did that!”

“I know dude. It was crazy.” Josh grins back.

They change quietly. Slipping out of their stage outfits and into comfier clothes to travel in. They won’t shower here. Josh takes both of their discarded clothes piles into his arms, and Tyler assumes he is taking the clothes to Laura. But just as he goes to open the door, he turns back, question on his lips.

“Can we talk about it in the car?” Josh looks anxious and Tyler suddenly worries what he has dragged out of the darkness.

“Yeah. Uh, of course.” He rushes to agree, surprised that Josh actually wants to talk about it. They have gone so long without acknowledging it, for them to actually have a conversation about it seems more final than it should.

Josh slides out of the door, clothes in hand, and Tyler is left to the thin paper walls. Almost immediately, a knock comes on the door, and he calls for them to enter. It’s the camera crew again, wanting to get footage in the van to the hotel, wondering where Josh is. Tyler sighs. It looks like they aren’t going to get their conversation.

In the van, it already feels overcrowded. Usually after a show, it’s just Tyler and Josh in the back, a driver in the front. But with the documentary happening, there are two camera operators, one for each camera, individually focusing on Tyler or Josh. The rigs sway with the movement of the vehicle and watching them makes Tyler feel a little sick. Instead, he chooses to stare past the lens in his face, following brake lights of passing vehicles.

Talking after a show is too much effort. Especially when he was expecting to have a proper conversation with Josh. Tyler is tired and with the prospect of talking about their relationship shut down, he just wants to go to bed. He makes it known to the cameras, joking about bribing them to go away. But he also tries to be serious.

“If you woke up in… 2011. Would you still do all of this again?” He asks Josh, and they both know that the question isn’t really about the band.

“I mean…”

“I know what your next question should be. Do we know how hard it is?” Tyler interrupts.

“I… I think that there is a part of us that likes challenge. That wants to be challenged. But I…” Josh looks like he might cry and Tyler suddenly feels bad for springing this on him with all these cameras around them. He can’t even say what he is really thinking.

“Yeah. I think I would.” Josh’s answer sounds unsure, but Tyler can see its clarity.

He makes his way through his own half-hearted explanation of why he would do this a thousand times over, but it comes out wrong and he can see Josh’s lip quivering at the response. To distract everyone from the topic, Tyler starts to joke about how tired they are. How uncool they are. That they just want to go to bed. And so, the cameras are turned off and put away, and the last few minutes of the ride are made in a quiet silence. Darkness flooding the vehicle when Josh reaches up to switch off the light.

Getting out of the van is awkward, the camera team has to climb out to let down the seats enough for Tyler and Josh to clamber out the back. But then they get back in, having to take the rigs back to wherever they came from, so they don’t rack up more charge from renting them. Suddenly Tyler and Josh are left standing outside the hotel alone, the cool breeze making them both shiver. The night’s atmosphere is calm but alive. Sounds of club music and people talking echo through the streets, cut through momentarily by the rush of traffic passing the end of the road.

“Come on.” Tyler makes the first move towards the hotel, already dreaming of hot showers and fresh sheets.

Josh follows obediently. Like always. Tagging along with Tyler. They walk through the lobby and enter the lift. Tyler has half a mind to ask Josh if he wants to come to his room so they can finally talk, but when he enters the elevator and presses the button for floor nine, Josh thumbs at the button underneath it without hesitation.

Eight.

A whole floor beneath him. Tyler sighs at the distance and accepts that they aren’t going to have this conversation tonight. Leaning back against the corner, he lets his head rest on the wall, exhaustion wrapping him in its embrace.

The elevator moves quickly, and before he can think, the doors are opening at Josh’s floor. There is a moment where Tyler thinks Josh might stay, might come up to his room without him having to ask, but then he steps out, turning back to wish Tyler goodnight as the doors close.

So that’s it.

Later.

Just like before.

It’s just like every other time that Tyler has sucked up the courage to bring it up. He thought that maybe today would be different. It felt different. But no. At least he has a hot shower and a soft bed to look forward to.

In the bathroom, Tyler peels off his clothes and leaves them in a pile on the floor, stepping into the steaming shower and resting his forehead against the wall. Something about a hot shower after a long show is almost heavenly. The water washing away the sweat, the paint, the emotion. Tyler stands there for a while, letting his body relax, muscles slackening. Eventually he moves to washing himself, thinking about how much he would love a bath right now. But a bath would be a mistake. He would fall asleep without failure. Warm water comforting his bones. A shower is safer when he’s alone.

The bathroom is filled with steam when he finishes his shower. Wrapping a towel around his waist and moving to the mirror to brush his teeth, Tyler wipes away the condensation and inspects his neck in the reflection that stares back. Twisting his head this way and that, spotting streaks of grey still lingering on the skin there. A warm washcloth does nothing to remove them any further, so he resigns himself to leaving yet another thing to tomorrow. The first show back after a break always hits him hard.

Clean and dry, with teeth brushed and most of the paint removed, Tyler opens the door to head to bed, and his mind takes a second to register who is already sitting there waiting for him.

“Josh?” He questions, having not even heard the door.

They always take each other’s spare key. It’s an easy way to stop them from getting locked out and keeps them from knocking loudly on doors at odd hours when they are touring. But Tyler hadn’t expected a visit after tonight, not when they were both so wiped out from the show. Josh looks like he is barely awake, swaying slightly where he sits at the edge of Tyler’s bed, hair freshly washed and face pink.

“Hey. Sorry.” Josh shrugs. “I just… I said later. And we didn’t get to talk in the car. So, I thought maybe…”

“Yeah, yeah.” Tyler interrupts, waking his brain up a little as he comes to sit next to Josh on the bed, still wrapped in the towel.

They sit there in a tired silence before Josh speaks up.

“Has it really been eleven years?” He asks, almost in disbelief.

“Nearly. Eleven years next month.” Tyler feels ashamed with how carefully he’s kept track when it looks like Josh hasn’t. But he can’t help himself.

“Oh. Before the airport…” Josh seems to remember exactly when their last kiss was.

“Yeah…” Tyler breaths out, trying to keep the sigh of disappointment out of his voice.

“You know…” Josh pauses for a moment before continuing. “I wanted to kiss you so badly at the airport. Like in one of those crappy movies.”

His voice hitches as he speaks, and Tyler can feel his own emotions start to well up. He thinks back to the moment. Back to the text Josh sent him after he left. Back to his reply.

“Yeah. I know. Me too.” He sighs out in reply, mind still tracing the edges of the memory, having trouble differentiating the hollow sadness that it holds, from his last intimate moment with Josh.

“Would you… I mean… Ahhh.” It seems like Josh can’t make his mind up with what he wants to say, and Tyler gives him a moment. “Just forget it.” Josh shakes his head, but Tyler wants to know.

“No, tell me! Would I what?” Finally, Tyler thinks. Finally, they are going to talk about it.

“I just… Would you change it?” Josh runs a hand through his hair, clearly nervous.

“What do you mean?”

“Like, if you could go back, would you not have dated me or whatever?”

The red dye is fading around the nape of Josh’s neck; Tyler can see it clearly when he ducks his head as he asks the question, fingers picking at the bobbles forming on the fabric of the tight black sweatpants he wears. Tyler takes in the question, not quiet understanding it immediately in his tired state.

“Dude! What?!” The exclamation bursts out of Tyler with more volume than he meant to use and they both jump a little at the sudden noise.

“Well…would you?” The intonation in Josh’s voice gives away genuine curiosity about the answer, but it does nothing to disguise his nervousness.

“Of course! What sort of question is that?!” Tyler can’t quite believe Josh is asking that of him.

“Yeah?” Josh looks surprised by the answer.

“Yeah.” Tyler says with finality. “Why? Would you not have?” There is a hint of worry in his own question now, expecting the worst.

“No. I mean, yeah?!” They both raise an eyebrow as they try to work out the meaning Josh is trying to convey. “I meant..I would date you. Always. Sorry.”

Josh seems to realise that what he said implies present tense as well and blushes slightly. Tyler sees the pink rise to his cheeks and his own heart starts to beat a little faster at the prospect.

“Always?!” He asks with a smirk, trying to relieve the tension.

“I mean… Yeah?” Josh sounds unsure again, but he continues on. “I miss it dude. It was just another level to our friendship. I miss how it was sometimes.”

Tyler swears he feels his heart jump a beat in his chest. After all these years, Josh is confirming what he has been feeling all along. Suddenly, he is no longer tired, excitement trickling through his nervous system and sending tingles down his arms.

“You miss it?” He asks in a gentle voice, confirming that Josh did indeed say that.

“Yeah… Sorry if that’s like, awkward or whatever. We don’t have to talk about it.”

“No, no!” Tyler rushes to correct him. “I miss it too, like, all the time. I just thought you had moved on from it all.”

The admission brings a blush rising to his own cheeks. It feels dangerous to say out loud. Something that is not allowed bleed into reality. But here it is, slowly breaking through. Josh inhales deeply beside him.

“I think I tried to. At first it was weird, especially with touring. But I had Debby and you had Jenna, so I thought we’d be alright. Then it got easier, but I don’t think it ever went away. Never completely.”

“Yeah. I get that.” When Tyler speaks, he is aware that there is a note of sadness that creeps in. “I know it was my fault, and I’m sorry for that. I…”

“It wasn’t your fault.” Josh interrupts, shaking his head, trying to catch Tyler’s eye. “It wasn’t, Ty.”

“It kind of was.” He shrugs, adjusting the towel around his waist for something to do. “I know I pushed you away. I know I wasn’t great at the whole distance thing. It was just hard.”

“Hey.” Josh shuffles closer to him on the bed, arms pressing together. “I wasn’t great either. I should have reached out more. Or, I don’t know, talked to you more about what I was struggling with.”

Between them, the air feels heavier. They are both apologising for the first time. Reliving all of the feelings from so long ago.

“I just wish you had never gone…” The admission is out there before Tyler can really think about it. “Sorry. That’s selfish of me.”

He shakes his head and Josh makes a move to say something, but Tyler stops him with a raised finger.

“No, let me explain. I know its selfish for me to want that. But I so badly wanted to beg you to stay. I nearly said something that day I dropped you at the airport, but it was too late and I didn’t want to scare you off with how much I relied on you. Sorry.” Tyler pauses for a second to wipe a tear from his cheek. “I just hated seeing you move on. I hated seeing you at all those parties. I was so jealous. Fuck..! Sorry that I’m only saying all this now. I should have been better at talking to you back then.”

Tyler’s voice cracks as he swears and another tear makes its way down his face, path swiftly ended by the swipe of a gentle thumb. Tyler turns his head at the touch; Josh is cradling his cheek. Its so gentle and familiar, even after all these years, it makes Tyler’s heart clench with the nostalgia.

“Ty, sweetheart.” Josh tilts Tyler’s head up slightly so that they are looking each other in the eye. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I wish…”

Josh trails off and looks away. Tyler traces the profile of his face with his gaze. Brown curls forming on his forehead as his hair dries. Curved nose sprinkled with tiny freckles. Soft brown eyes that are shiny with emotion. The stubble framing his mouth. Tyler misses this closeness and he doesn’t dare move.

“Can I kiss you?” Josh has turned back; the question is spoken quietly.

“What?” Tyler jerks away from Josh’s touch, processing the words.

“No, its fine. Sorry. I just…”

“Yes.”

“Yeah?” Josh’s eyes dart back up to Tyler’s face.

Tyler knows he’s grinning stupidly, tears still in his eyes, but he doesn’t care. Not when Josh has asked for the very thing he’s been dreaming of having back all these years. He reaches for Josh’s thigh as Josh’s hand comes back up to cup his face. Leaning in, their lips meet again, nearly eleven years later.

Finally.

Its soft and familiar, filled with missed time and hidden feelings. Tyler digs his fingers into Josh’s leg, slipping his tongue into Josh’s mouth at the gasp that follows. He pushes closer, trying to shrink the distance between them down to nothing. He’s had enough of distance, of space. He never wants to let Josh go.

Eventually they pull away from each other, foreheads pressed together and unwilling to separate more than they have to. Tyler presses his nose against the side of Josh’s, nuzzling close with his eyes closed, breath brushing over Josh’s mouth. He presses another kiss to his lips, and another. His breath hitches at the comfort, at the intimacy that he has been longing for.

“Do you think…” Tyler squeezes his eyes shut tighter, suddenly scared to voice what he desperately needs to know the answer to. “Do you think that, maybe, we could try again?”

He feels the reply more than he hears it. spoken so softly against his lips as Josh moves back in.

Yeah.

And then they’re kissing again. There’s a desperation behind it now. It’s less for comfort and more of a need. Tyler can feel Josh’s urgency, the fingertips hooking under his jaw and pulling him closer. He lets it happen, turning fully towards Josh on the bed, wishing he wasn’t wearing a towel around his waist. Wishing he had on something more sensible. Something that would let him swing his leg over and settle into Josh’s lap. Just like they used to. Tucked away in private hotel rooms in the early days, taking their moments away from everyone else very seriously. Tyler pulls back, hand curling around Josh’s bicep.

“Can you stay?” He needs Josh close tonight. He can’t take anymore distance.

“Yeah, yeah. Hang on. Let me just let Debby know.”

Josh pulls his phone out of his pocket and starts tapping the screen. Tyler shifts back closer, forehead leaning on Josh’s shoulder. Pressing himself right up against Josh’s side and sighing contentedly.

Not quite eleven years.

There’s movement and Josh starts to stand up, shushing gently as Tyler begins his complaints. It looks like Debby is phoning, so Tyler lets him go, watching Josh move into the bathroom, pulling the door to behind him. He takes the moment alone to slip out of his towel, discarding it over the back of a chair and pulling on a pair of grey boxers from his suitcase, unzipped and overflowing in the corner of the hotel room.

Tyler turns off the main light, leaving the bedside lamps to illuminate the room in a warm glow. Sinking into the soft sheets of the bed, he pulls at them roughly, untucking them from the bottom of the bed, before setting back against the pillows. From the behind the bathroom door, cracked ajar, he can hear Josh talking quietly, audible words sneaking through the low drone every now and again. He hears his name a few times, and ‘stay the night’; he’s pretty sure he catches ‘kiss’ as well, and the smile that spreads across his face is private and only for him. He hears ‘I love you’, followed by ‘yeah, see you in the morning’, and eagerly looks towards the door, awaiting Josh’s reappearance.

Josh slips out of the bathroom, his own face broken up by a soft smile as well. Tyler pats the other side of the bed and Josh makes his way over, pulling off his oversized tank top and leaving it by the end of the bed. He sits on the edge and leans down to untie his shoes, but Tyler can’t wait any longer. He pulls himself up and drapes himself over Josh’s naked back. Their bare skin pressed together as he leaves gentle kisses at the back of Josh’s neck, surprising even himself at how easily they’ve slipped back into this without question. Josh sits up and turns, pressing a quick kiss to Tyler’s lips before he’s slipping out of his pants and into the bed next to him.

Both clothed in only their boxers, Tyler wraps his leg over Josh’s. Eager to get as close as physically possible. His hand wanders across Josh’s stomach around to the other side of his waist, holding him tightly. He leans his head on Josh’s chest, rubbing his cheek against the smooth skin. Suddenly he feels himself overcome with emotion again, tears rushing to his eyes and blurring his vision.

“I’ve really missed you.” He chokes out, voice trembling.

“Baby…” Josh sighs out comfortingly. “I know. Me too.”

The pet name causes another rush of emotion, and Tyler can’t help but cling on tighter, their bare skin warm where they touch. Josh rubs his hand up and down Tyler’s back, nosing where his soft hair meets his forehead and leaving small kisses along the hairline. Tyler feels Josh’s chest rise sharply under his head and he speaks quickly before Josh can say something.

“Let’s just have this moment. Right now. Let’s just have this. Please. I’m so tired.” He desperately wants to confirm that this is real, that this is happening for good. But he is also exhausted, and he knows he can’t handle that conversation right now.

“Okay. But let’s talk in the morning. Actually talk.” Josh must feel that Tyler tenses at the words, because he adds, “but for the record, I really want this.”

“Me too. Me too.” Tyler smiles at the reassurance and relaxes back into Josh’s body. Josh knows him so well, he always has.