Chapter Text
Arizona had mixed feelings about the first day of school all her life. Some years growing up, it was the nervous excitement that comes with being the new kid. Other years, she’d dread it so much that she’d make herself sick. But ever since she became a high school teacher? She loved the first day of school. She adored her job and how busy she was during the school year. She was damn good at it too, even if it wasn’t the career she’d originally imagined for herself.
But most importantly, teaching at the high school got her out of the house for eight hours a day, five days a week. She enjoyed the summer; she loved all the extra time she got to spend with Sofia, but she desperately craved feeling important and good at something aside from being a wife and mother. Teaching was that outlet for her, and she’d find herself starting to count down the days until school started at the beginning of August. She couldn’t wait, and Callie knew that.
Except the first day of school was getting off to a not so great start this year and it was only 8:15am.
“You’re picking up Sof from daycare at noon, right?” Callie was rushing into the kitchen, slipping on her pumps as she grabbed the coffee and the lunch Arizona had packed for her.
Arizona looks up from her phone as she sets her coffee mug down. “What? No, I have school today.”
“Just in-service, right?”
“No, it’s the first day of classes.”
“Oh.”
“I thought you knew it was today, you said you’d be able to get her.”
“Yeah, well, I have surgery today.” Arizona tries to ignore the annoyance in her voice. “Whatever, I’ll see if Mark can pick her up then,” Callie says as she grabs her bag and travel mug of coffee from the kitchen counter, stopping to kiss Sofia’s head as she eats her breakfast at the dining room table.
Arizona doesn’t say anything, just watches Callie leave through the back door.
She’s grateful for Mark, really. He was part of bringing Sofia into this world and giving Arizona the best thing she’s ever had. Even though Arizona was hesitant at first when Callie suggested Mark to be their sperm donor, knowing it probably wasn’t good for them to have such a close relationship with him despite all the legal paperwork and contracts that list Arizona as Sofia’s other parent, giving Mark no legal rights to her daughter, she still eventually said yes, knowing how much it meant to Callie.
But sometimes, Callie makes her feel more like a step-parent. She was the one who pushed for Mark to have access to Sofia as ‘an uncle’ despite Arizona’s reluctance. Callie’s even already mentioned telling Sofia who her father is when she’s older, something that Arizona is against. Sofia already has two parents.
“Mommy, I’m done,” Sofia says cheerfully, breaking Arizona out of her thoughts. She shakes it off, and finishes getting ready to drop Sofia off at daycare before taking on her first day of the year.
Arizona’s first period of the day goes well - it’s a second level health class, so it’s full of juniors and seniors she taught the year before. There’s a few students in her second period that she doesn’t know and a couple of brand new to the school students. She vaguely recognizes one name - Amelia Shepherd, a senior - and wonders if she’s related to Derek and Addison in some way.
Amelia chose a seat towards the back of the classroom–not far enough away that she could get away with not paying attention, but far enough that she could blend in. Arizona never really believed in seating charts; she would rather have the kids sit where they felt comfortable, especially the new ones. She’d been the new kid enough times when she was growing up that she knew how much worse those first day jitters were when she didn’t know anyone.
As soon as she starts calling names for attendance, Amelia shuts the book she’s reading and drops it into her backpack, retrieving a notebook and a pencil instead.
She goes through the syllabus after taking attendance, noting how she can see a little bit of Derek in Amelia when she raises her hand to indicate that she’s present. Amelia’s a good kid, Arizona thinks. She pays attention, even through the boring syllabus and school policies spiel that she’ll certainly hear many more times over the rest of the day. Arizona decides that she wants to formally introduce herself at the end of class, let her know that she has someone if she needs anything.
Arizona intercepts Amelia on her way out once the bell rings. “Amelia, right?”
Amelia nods, fiddling with the strap of her backpack.
“Are you related to Derek Shepherd by chance?”
“Yeah, uh,” Amelia starts before clearing her throat, cheeks going pink. “He’s my brother. I just moved here to live with him for a bit. How, uh, how do you know him?”
“My wife works with him and Addison.”
“Oh, yeah, Addison mentioned something about them knowing a teacher here. I guess that’s you?”
Arizona nods, the two of them holding eye contact for a bit longer than what should be comfortable. “Well, welcome to Lincoln High. If there’s anything I can do for you, let me know.”
Amelia doesn’t say anything at first, narrowing her eyes for a moment before biting her bottom lip and shuffling her feet. “Yeah, thanks. Your class seems cool so far.”
“Thanks,” Arizona laughs. “Are you interested in going into medicine like your brother?”
“Uhhh, I don’t know,” Amelia starts, laughing out a breath. “It’d be hard living up to Derek Shepard’s legacy.”
Arizona knew the feeling on some level, between her own brother and Callie. She was never able to live up to Tim’s dreams in the military and she'd certainly never be able to get to where Callie is as a surgeon, despite it being her dream since before everything in her life went wrong.
“Yeah, but I bet you could do it,” Arizona tells her.
Amelia tries to hide a smile forcing itself on her lips. “You don’t even know me, Ms. Robbins.”
“Well, I hope that changes over the semester. You seem like a good kid.”
Amelia just looks at her for a bit before adjusting her backpack strap again. “I should find my next class before I’m late.”
Arizona walks her out of the classroom and points her in the direction of her next class - calculus.
Arizona doesn’t expect to see Amelia again for the rest of the day, but during her lunch period, there’s a light knock on her open door. She looks up from her laptop to see Amelia standing there with a bag of chips and a Gatorade.
“Hey, Amelia, what’s up?”
Amelia takes a few steps into the classroom before answering. “Uh, I couldn’t find anywhere to sit in the cafeteria so is it cool if I eat in here?”
“Um…”
“I'm just going to sit and read, you won’t even know I’m here.”
“Yeah, that’s fine, come on in.”
Amelia sits in the same desk she was in during second period, taking a book from her backpack before hanging it on her chair and opening her bag of chips.
Arizona returns to her lesson plans, eating her own lunch for a few minutes until she glances up to see Amelia trying to take a chip from the bag without making any noise.
“You don’t have to be that quiet,” Arizona says with a grin.
Amelia looks up from her book wide-eyed and a little embarrassed based on the color of her cheeks. “I didn’t want to disturb you.”
“Please, I have a three year old who insists on watching Disney princess movies on repeat. There’s not a lot you could do that would actually annoy me.”
“You have a kid?”
Arizona nods, grabbing one of the picture frames on her desk and turning it toward Amelia. “Her name’s Sofia.”
Amelia smiles and leans forward a little to see the picture of Arizona and Sofia, faces smashed together for a selfie. “Cute,” she says, eyes wandering back to Arizona’s face before going wide. “Her, n-not you. I mean. You’re cute, too, but-“
Arizona doesn’t even know how to react, but can’t help the smile and heat rising to her face.
“I’m going to shut up now,” Amelia says, sinking back into her seat and bringing her book up to cover her face.
At least she resisted the urge to tell Amelia she’s cute, too.
Callie’s actually home for dinner that night, much to Arizona’s surprise. After she tells Arizona about the hand she saved in the OR, Arizona takes the opportunity to ask about Amelia.
“Hey, so Derek’s little sister started at my school today?”
“Oh yeah, he mentioned something about that, I forgot to tell you, sorry.”
Arizona waves her off, taking another small bite before continuing. “Why is she living with them?”
“I guess she has some addiction issues and his mom couldn’t handle her anymore. So she sent her here for Derek and Addie to take care of her. Derek didn’t really want to, but Addison pushed him to give it a chance, I guess.”
“Addiction issues?”
“Yeah, she apparently had a pretty crazy thing with pills the past few years. Was stealing them from her sisters - including a prescription pad,” Callie tells her before reaching over to cut Sofia’s noodles a bit more. “It was either move here and stay clean or they were going to turn her over to the police and let the courts decide.”
“Wow,” Arizona says, suddenly losing her appetite. “She… she seemed like a good kid today.”
“Looks can be deceiving, I guess,” Callie shrugs. “If you notice anything, you should tell Derek.”
Arizona nods and pushes her plate away, knowing she’s not going to do that.
Amelia basically eats lunch in Arizona’s classroom every day for the next few weeks. Sometimes, she’ll bring a bag of chips or a Diet Coke for Arizona, sitting quietly with a book until inevitably one of them starts a conversation. Sometimes they talk about school, sometimes Amelia tells Arizona a story from when she lived in New York, frequently mentioning her best friend Charlotte or even one of her sisters.
The way she talks about her sisters makes Arizona understand why Amelia had a hard time in that environment. They don’t seem like nice people, at least compared to what she knows of Derek and Addison. Maybe all Amelia needed was a change of environment.
Outside of lunch, Amelia seems to find little ways to make Arizona smile.
When she finishes a quiz early, which she always does and also always passes them with a perfect score - Arizona will inevitably find a little doodle in the margin or a pun related to the topic she’s quizzing them on when she goes to grade it. Her favorite is a koala drawn next to a question about quality of care that Arizona involuntarily scribbles a little heart next to before crudely scratching it out once she realizes what she did.
“Amelia, I assume you know Arizona,” Derek says as he, Amelia, and Arizona stand awkwardly in the foyer of Arizona’s house. Derek and Addison were going out of town for their anniversary and it was either Amelia go with them and stay in a hotel room next door the entire time or stay with Callie and Arizona.
Arizona’s glad she chose to stay with them.
Amelia nods. “Hey Ms. Robbins.”
“Please, you can call me Arizona while you’re here,” she replies with a small smile at Amelia. “Callie and Sofia ran out to pick up dinner, but they’ll be back soon. I hope you like pizza.”
Amelia gives a small smile. “Pizza’s great, thank you for letting me stay this weekend.”
Derek leaves shortly after, but not before telling Arizona to feel free to call him if there’s any issues. Arizona assured him there wouldn’t be any, shooting Amelia a tense, sympathetic smile as she closes the door behind him.
Arizona gives her a quick tour of their quaint house, including the guest bedroom and bathroom that Amelia would share with Sofia. Amelia drops her bag in the bedroom before following Arizona back out to the living room.
“You can hang out in here until they’re back with dinner. Do you want a water or anything?”
“No, I’m okay for now, thanks,” Amelia says, sitting on the couch and pulling her phone out. Arizona turns to head into the kitchen, but pauses and turns back to Amelia.
“I’m glad you’re staying with us this weekend.”
Amelia looks up with a grin that feels a little unsure, but still genuine. “Yeah?”
“Yeah…” Arizona trails off for a few moments before adding, “I think Sofia will like you, but if she gets to be too much, please let us know.”
“I have nieces and nephews back home and they’re fun,” Amelia shakes her head. “Sofia seems cool.”
Sofia comes bursting through the door about ten minutes later, Callie a little behind her. Sofia yells out to Arizona that they’re home before spotting Amelia looking at them from the couch. She freezes immediately, seemingly unsure about the stranger in her home.
“Mama, who’s that?” she asks Callie, who is trying to juggle the pizza boxes while closing the door. She looks to the living room to see what Sofia’s talking about.
“Oh, that’s Amelia, she’s Derek and Addison’s sister, remember when Mommy and I told you about her last night?”
“Yeah,” Sofia nods softly.
“She’s going to stay with us for a few days while they’re out of town.”
Sofia thinks for a second, biting her lip the same way Arizona does sometimes. “Can she play dolls with me?”
Callie finally sets the pizza boxes down on the kitchen table, shooting an uneasy smile at Amelia. “Maybe, sweetie. Why don’t you ask her?”
She shoots Amelia an apologetic look, but Amelia just grins brightly as Sofia approaches her, locking and setting her phone down next to her.
“Can you play with me?”
Amelia’s grinning wider than Arizona’s ever seen her before as she looks in from the kitchen. “I would love to, but I’m kinda hungry, so what if we eat some pizza first and then we can play?”
“Okay!”
Callie’s at work for a lot of the weekend, leaving Arizona, Amelia, and Sofia home. Arizona’s grateful for the distraction for Sofia since it lets her get caught up on grading as she drags Amelia from activity to activity. Amelia’s a pleasant house guest - she cleans up after herself and even does the dishes more than once despite Arizona telling her she didn’t have to.
Once Sofia’s in bed on Saturday night, Callie’s still stuck in surgery, so Arizona turns on a movie for the two of them, except they end up talking through most of it. Amelia tells her more about New York, including some of the reasons why she came to live in Seattle.
“You don’t have to tell me these things if you don’t want to,” Arizona says, placing a gentle hand on Amelia’s shoulder across the couch.
“No, I-I want to. I’m actually kind of surprised you didn’t know already. It’s usually the first thing Derek tells a lot of people about me.”
Arizona debates telling her the truth at first, but then decides it’s best to be honest with Amelia if she wants Amelia to trust her. “I… actually heard a little from Callie when you first got here,” she says, watching as Amelia holds her breath, looking anywhere but at Arizona. “But that’s not who you are to me. To me, you’re that good, quiet student who writes jokes on her quizzes before turning them in.”
Amelia laughs softly and chokes back a sob.
“You deserve a fresh start here and I’m going to make sure you get that, if that’s what you want,” Arizona assures her.
She watches Amelia take a breath like she wants to say something, but instead she stays quiet.
“I know what it means to need a fresh start, believe me.”
“I assume it’s something to do with your leg?” Amelia asks. “Sorry if that’s insensitive or whatever.”
Arizona shakes her head. “It’s not. After I lost my leg and was discharged from the army, I couldn’t be in the same places my brother had been or where my parents were. It just felt like I failed everyone,” she explains.
“I’m sure you didn’t fail everyone.”
“Maybe not, but I wouldn’t have gotten better staying there. I have a life here that’s not… tainted by everything that’s happened to me, I guess.”
Arizona eventually turns back to the movie when Amelia doesn’t say anything else, even if she’s not really paying attention.
“Thanks, Arizona,” Amelia finally says, almost too quiet for Arizona to hear her, but the way Amelia says her name makes her feel nauseous.
Amelia meets Arizona in the entryway on Monday morning, backpack slung on her shoulder and her packed duffel bag in her hand. Callie walks out of the kitchen, travel mug in hand to give to Arizona.
“Thanks for having me this weekend.”
“Of course,” Callie says, but is quickly interrupted by Sofia running in from the dining room, cereal and milk covering her pajama top.
“Bye, ‘Melia!” she squeals, reaching up to gesture for a hug. Amelia kneels down, carefully hugging Sofia so as not to get any soggy cereal pieces on her jacket.
“Thanks for letting me play dolls with you this weekend, kiddo.”
Sofia giggles and lets go, stepping back to where Callie is standing. “You two have a good day, okay?”
Arizona kisses them both goodbye and then follows Amelia out the front door toward her car in the driveway.
"I hope it wasn’t a totally lame way to spend your weekend. Sofia really liked having you over.”
“Sofia’s a cool kid. Thanks again for letting me stay, otherwise I’d have just been locked in a hotel room all weekend.”
Arizona chuckles a little bit, not sure how to answer. It’s quiet between them for a few blocks until Amelia clears her throat while Arizona takes a drink from her travel mug.
“Can I ask you something?” She can’t look at Arizona when she asks, instead fiddling with the strap of her backpack.
“Uh, sure,” Arizona replies, raising an eyebrow as she checks her rear-view mirror.
Amelia doesn’t immediately continue, pausing a few seconds. “Are you happy?”
Arizona’s mouth goes dry, despite the sip of coffee she just took.
“Wh-what do you mean?”
“Just like…” Amelia starts, biting her lip. “I don’t know, you just don’t seem happy at home,” she shrugs before turning to look at Arizona. “You don’t act like yourself at home.”
Arizona laughs. “Do you think who I am at school is who I actually am, Amelia?”
“Of course not, I just know that the you at home isn’t who you are either.”
“You don’t know anything about me,” Arizona says sharply, but the dishonesty in her voice cracks through.
Amelia sighs as she turns to look out the window. “Okay, sorry.”
It’s a quiet response and Arizona immediately feels bad about her tone. They don’t say anything the rest of the ride to school and Amelia is practically out of the car before she has it in park once they get to the staff lot, leaving her duffel bag in the trunk. Arizona sits for a few minutes, watching her walk in before considering just going home for the day.
The feelings crept in quietly, so much that she didn’t even realize how unhappy she was. It wasn’t fair, to Callie, to Sofia, to herself. This is what she wanted, at least that was what she told herself, even if it wasn’t the life she originally planned for herself.
Ever since high school, Arizona knew she wanted to be a surgeon. She graduated from Brown with honors, began med school at Johns Hopkins, and fell in love with pediatrics. Her parents had always wanted her and Tim to grow up to help people. She was going to be a surgeon, and he was going to serve his country. It was exactly what they–and their parents wanted.
Within an instant, everything crumbled around her. He died in Afghanistan and she didn’t even get to say goodbye.
She couldn’t handle the pain on her parents’ faces after he died and the disappointment and anger she’d picked up from her retired military father. So, she dropped out and enlisted instead, determined to carry on the family legacy and Tim’s dream.
She was assigned to a medical unit once she completed basic–her years of medical school came in handy–and was promptly sent overseas to the same area Tim had been. Only six months later, she was sent to Germany on a helicopter, where her left leg was amputated after an attack on the tent she was working in.
She couldn’t bear to face her parents for long as soon as she was feeling as comfortable as she could using her new prosthetic. So, she moved across the country to Seattle on a whim, where she got her teaching license and found a job at a local high school. Somewhere that didn’t have marks of her brother or what her life could’ve been like.
Then, she met Callie.
Once a semester, she was responsible for taking the sophomore health class on a field trip to a local hospital, Seattle Grace. They’d get a tour from an attending, see the emergency department, research labs, unoccupied operating rooms, and occasionally they’d get to view a live surgery from the gallery. A year after she moved to Seattle, Callie happened to be the attending that gave them the tour that semester.
She was hot, a little cocky, practically a god in the OR, and into Arizona as much as she was into Callie. They got married within a year and had Sofia a year after that with help from Mark, as their sperm donor.
Things were easy with Callie; she had a solution to everything, and Arizona’s life fell into place as quickly as she’d lost everything years before. She never stopped to think about if this is what she really wanted. She had a wonderful wife, a beautiful little girl who she loved more than anything, and a teaching job she liked. Why would she want anything else?
At some point in the last few months, she realized she felt lighter when Callie wasn’t around. Her constant need to fix everything made Arizona want to be perfect and insist that everything was fine so that Callie wouldn’t hover. Her days at school with her students and her evenings with Sofia when Callie was at work were what she looked forward to every week. Callie beginning research for a clinical trial with Derek was the best thing that ever happened to her. More time with her daughter and less time with Callie. That could be enough for her.
She didn’t realize what an entire weekend with Amelia around would do to her mental health. She didn’t realize how hopeless it would feel, like all the life was being sucked out of her the longer she spent with Callie. Amelia being there definitely made her feel lighter, and she tried to focus on that for the weekend. She helped, more than she’d ever know, but apparently it wasn’t enough.
Arizona hates being easily read by anyone, let alone an 18 year old kid that’s in her 2nd period class. It feels like Callie, who has known her for over five years, doesn’t even know her as well as Amelia - who has barely known her for five weeks - seems to. Callie seems oblivious to how she’s feeling as her career takes off and Arizona’s left picking Sofia up from daycare and falling asleep alone in bed.
Amelia stayed with them for one weekend and has her all figured out. It doesn’t help that Arizona definitely has a little crush on Amelia - a crush that could get her fired or end her marriage. A crush that Callie has probably already picked up on.
Arizona can’t let this go on anymore; she needs to put a stop to it before she does something to hurt Amelia. Or Callie. She’s not going to jeopardize her job or her marriage or Amelia’s chance at a future because she’s unhappy.
She sighs as she opens the car door, grabbing her bag from the backseat before climbing out. “Get a grip, Robbins,” she mumbles to herself as she steps inside the building and heads to her classroom.
Amelia’s quiet through her class period, not answering any questions or raising her hand at any point. She stays scribbling in her notebook, head down. Arizona can tell she’s at least listening, as she catches some notes on her lecture when she walks by at one point.
Once the bell rings, she’s gone before Arizona can even think about stopping her.
She appears at Arizona’s classroom door a few minutes after the final bell.
“Amelia.” It’s quiet, but Arizona takes a glance around the room before continuing. “I’m sorry about earl-“
“I need my bag from your car,” she interjects before Arizona can finish.
“Oh. Right.” She opens her desk drawer to pull out her purse, fishing her keys out. Amelia steps further into the classroom to retrieve them, trying not to look at Arizona at all. She leaves without a word before returning a couple minutes later, bag in one hand, Arizona’s keys in the other.
She sighs as she steps closer to Arizona to give them back. “I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have… said that or whatever, I just thought…”
“You were right. You are right,” Arizona admits, gently taking the keys from her, fingers accidentally brushing over the back of Amelia’s hand.
Amelia gives her a confused look, but doesn’t say anything, so Arizona continues. “I’m not happy. I-I thought I was, I like my job, my kid, my… wife, but… I’m not.” She stops herself before she can tell Amelia that she’s the reason she’s realizing all of this.
Amelia takes a moment before nodding, eyes staying on Arizona’s face. Arizona bites her lip and looks away, breath catching when she feels firm but soft fingers around her wrist. She should pull away, out of Amelia’s grip, but she doesn’t. Arizona shivers as Amelia’s thumb strokes her pulse point for a few moments until she finally looks back at Amelia’s face.
“Amelia…” she warns at the sight of Amelia’s eyes, somehow bluer than she’s ever seen them before.
“What if I can be someone that makes you happy?”
Arizona chokes at Amelia’s words. It’s the one thing she’s never allowed herself to think about when it comes to Amelia - her student, someone she didn’t even know until a couple of months ago. She’s felt drawn to her since the minute she stepped into the classroom, and now she knows Amelia’s been feeling the same.
“I… you can’t just… say that,” Arizona whispers, wrist still in Amelia’s grasp. Amelia drops her bag behind her and steps even closer, adjusting the grip she has on Arizona to gently lace their fingers together. Arizona can tell Amelia notices the way her breathing grows quick and shallow by a small smirk on her lips.
Her lips, the very lips that Arizona absolutely should not have looked at. She’s noticed how kissable they could be - biting down gently when Amelia’s listening intently to her lecture, the way they looked when she came into the kitchen for breakfast over the weekend, hair slightly disheveled with an oversized t-shirt on over a pair of checkered boxers.
Lips that she shouldn’t ever consider kissing but then Amelia licks the bottom one absentmindedly as she continues to look at Arizona, hands laced between them, and Arizona can’t stop herself.
She tugs Amelia in the direction of the wall her classroom door is on to get out of easy view of anyone walking by in the hallway. Arizona leans back against the cold concrete as she grabs Amelia’s other hand to pull her against her, kissing her softly once their hips meet.
Amelia doesn’t move for a moment, not until Arizona swipes her tongue on her lower lip, causing Amelia to immediately deepen their kiss. She untangles their hands so she can rest hers on Arizona’s waist to try to press against her harder, Arizona moaning softly at the way Amelia practically pins her against the wall with her entire body. She’s eager, almost like Amelia’s afraid she won’t get this opportunity again.
It starts feeling like too much, until she feels Amelia settle against her, slowing her kisses down as Arizona’s hands come up to rest on her shoulders. Amelia places a few light pecks on her lips before she pulls back slightly to break their kiss, her eyes fluttering open to look at Arizona.
Arizona whines and opens her eyes at Amelia, finally fully taking in the girl in front of her. “Amelia… I…”
“I know,” she replies softly, hand coming up to cup Arizona’s cheek. Amelia’s thumb traces over her bottom lip as her eyes take in all of Arizona’s face as fast as she can. Her chest aches at the realization that Amelia knows this won’t work but still wants Arizona enough. She hasn’t felt wanted in years by Callie, at least not in the same way.
Amelia finally steps back, dropping her arms to her side as she moves away Arizona shivers at the lack of warmth pressed against her body and stops herself from trying to follow Amelia. It’s not fair to Amelia that she can’t-shouldn’t want her in the same way.
Amelia clears her throat before speaking again. “I won’t say I’m sorry because I’m not and because I know you want this just as bad as I do.”
Arizona opens her mouth to deny it, but she can’t make herself actually say it. “We can’t,” she says instead.
“Yeah,” Amelia says after a long beat of silence, shaking her head slightly like she’s coming back down to earth. “I just… I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry. I led you on or-or something and I shouldn’t have.”
“You didn’t, I know the way I feel is real but I shouldn’t have put you into this position.”
Arizona can’t think straight for a moment at the idea of Amelia putting her into different positions
“Are we okay?” Amelia asks, interrupting Arizona’s drifting thoughts. She takes a moment to compose herself and return a smile to Amelia.
Arizona nods. “We’re okay. You should get going.”
Amelia takes a few more steps back, still looking at Arizona, to pickup her duffel bag from the floor before turning to leave.