Archive of Our Own

“Commander. The Wall.”

He can’t tell who it is that calls to him. It could be Ziegler but it also sounds like Peters. Erwin thinks it’s been close to a week since he’s eaten a proper meal and had a sleep that wasn’t uneasy. In his mind, the last few days of travelling have melded together into one long nightmare. Hunger, dehydration, and exhaustion weaken his body but it’s beginning to reach his brain so that he can’t even decipher between the soldiers accompanying him. 

Their horses are drained as well, their hooves dragging through the dirt. When Erwin looks up, he sees that the other soldiers are pressing forward as they catch sight of what the group has been trudging toward for days. Erwin sees it too. Wall Maria and the gate that will open up to Shiganshina. He heaves a deep sigh and immediately regrets it when it makes him feel light-headed. The first thing he’d like to do when he gets back is return his mare to her stable, get her some proper food. He’s been giving whatever he could spare to her while they were outside the Walls, knows it’s important for her to keep her strength up more than him. He can afford to starve a bit if it means that his horse can still get him back home. 

Had he not been so spent of his energy, he would probably dread what waits for him inside the Walls, back at HQ. In all honestly, he is a bit disappointed that he must return to the mundanity of life in his office, doing paperwork, signing things, reporting every useless bit of new information to the brass. And then after some time and preparation he will get to do this all again. Gamble away the lives of others, sentencing them to death all on the off chance that it will bring him closer to his goal. 

But he is so weak that he’s nearly slipping off his horse at this point. He has no room for such pathetic thoughts right now. 

He especially avoids thinking about Levi and how his eyes glinted when Erwin had commanded him and his squad forward, to retreat and leave him. It was sorrow or agony or just pure outrage, Erwin isn’t sure. But the image had reappeared in his mind continuously. It made the guilt already weighing heavy in Erwin to worsen more each time. 

Shiganshina’s outer gate opens for them promptly as Erwin and the three other remaining members of his squad approach. They are greeted by incredulous, fussing Garrison soldiers who bring them water and quick rations, sit them down in front of a makeshift fire, give them changes of dry, clean clothes and blankets. Erwin takes extra care to instruct a young-looking soldier to find appropriate feed for his mare. 

“We all thought you died.” Erwin hears multiple variations of the phrase from many people. 

It’s a shame that I didn’t. 

They are offered to hunker down in the Garrison HQ to get their strength up first before they leave but both Erwin and his soldiers agree that they’d rather make the trek to Survey Corps HQ in Trost after only a very short rest. They’re so close to home now and are willing to brave a few more hours of travel if it means they can get there as soon as possible. 

Erwin thinks of his bed, which normally gives him cricks in his neck when he wakes in the morning because it is not nearly as soft as a bed should be. It sounds like heaven to be able to stretch his limbs out on it right now. Sleeping out in the cold and wet, against the trunk of a tree or on the hard ground has not treated his joints well. He thinks of his own soldiers waiting for him at HQ, wonders if anyone has taken charge in his absence. Realistically, it would be Miche but he enjoys imagining Hange and him butting heads over it and bickering like siblings about how things should work.

They eventually enter Trost with their hoods drawn up and their heads down. 

Word must have spread quickly from Shiganshina to Trost because a welcoming team has formed at the entrance of HQ as they enter the courtyard. 

Erwin spots him almost immediately, despite the way his stature makes him objectively harder to spot. But he is hard to miss with the way he is glowering at Erwin, making his skin itch uncomfortably. His arms are crossed and he looks stiff, sort of like a teacher who’s about to scold their student. 

People rush forward, faces breaking into smiles and sighs of relief at the sight of their dead Commander returning to life. 

Erwin dismounts his mare, hands her off to a recruit to bring to the stables. He spots Miche and exchanges a quick nod with him. Excited chatter surrounds Erwin and his squad but it is cut off abruptly by a certain short, dark-haired man.

“You’re a damn fool,” Levi spits at him. The voices around them hush uncomfortably. His eyes are ablaze with fury. Erwin almost wants to crumple under the scrutinizing gaze. His knees, already weak from fatigue, threaten to buckle even more. He doesn’t want to argue, wants to tell him that he’s right, nod along to whatever he says. Erwin is a fool, why would he ever do something so dumb? Levi is right, he always is, and that’s why Erwin defers to his opinion so extremely often. He’s right and Erwin is a fool. He knows everyone else is watching them, especially him and he suddenly feels like the naive little boy that he has always been, the same one that returned home from school one day to his mother crying and telling him that Father won’t be coming back tonight. 

“You’re fucking kidding me. Nothing to say, huh?” Levi continues when Erwin is silent and goes on pushing forward through the small crowd that’s formed in the courtyard. He is so very exhausted and really, the last thing he needs right now is Levi cussing him out in front of a third of the regiment. 

He’s just about to open his mouth and say something back but someone else beats him to the punch.

“Have you forgotten that that’s your damn Commander? You should show some respect,” one soldier, Beck, pipes up from amongst the crowd. There are few left in the Survey Corps who would dare challenge Levi, but Erwin can tell that more than a couple of his soldiers are taken aback by how openly Levi is acting insubordinate. 

Levi whips his head to the side towards where Beck’s voice sounded from, his eyes barely more than narrow slits. 

“Tch. Give me fucking give me a break,” he growls through gritted teeth. He turns back to Erwin defiantly. “Do you have any idea how things have been here the last few days? You’ve got the entire HQ shitting their pants with worry and for what good reason? That wasn’t the formation we all agreed upon and it’s not right for you to go off on your own, creating your own self-serving plans as you go. You know, if you have a deathwish, that’s fine by me, but a lot of people here depend on you so don’t be so goddamn selfish that you’d throw yourself away for a few sniveling recrui-”

“That’s enough, Captain.”

Some people flinch visibly in his peripheral vision as Erwin finally speaks. It comes out harsh and stinging, more brutal than he intended and he does not often raise his voice outside of relaying commands or making announcements, especially does not raise his voice towards Levi of all people. But he is beyond weary right now, has seen too much carnage and blood spilled during the expedition to sugarcoat things right now. He wants to curl up in an armchair and ignore everyone else at least for a few hours, does not have the energy to put on a facade and save face in front of his troops. Most of all, he does not wish to hear anymore of the bitter words that Levi throws at him, doesn’t like hearing him when he is so severely correct, hates that Levi always seems to have the ability to see straight through him like he’s an open book. Then again, that is one of the biggest reasons that Erwin keeps him around so closely. Erwin is a visionary, all ideals and gambles and Levi is that unrelentless, biting force that sends him plummeting straight down off his ledge high up in the clouds. It is how they have always been.

Levi is firm, does not back down from Erwin’s warning other than shutting his mouth tightly, visibly clenching his jaw. His hands ball into small fists at his sides and Erwin knows better than to put himself on the receiving end of those things.

Erwin sighs deeply, continues forward until he’s standing at Levi’s side. Everyone besides Levi shuffles back as Erwin approaches, giving them a wide berth of space. Erwin leans down some so that he can say something close to the man’s ear that no one else will hear. 

“Just…give me until the evening to rest and clean up. Come up to my office after,” he says, low. He tries to keep his voice even so that it’s more a suggestion and less of a command. Erwin knows that he must inevitably face the unpleasantries of Levi’s contempt but would rather it occur away from prying eyes. 

Levi says nothing, doesn’t give any sign that he’s agreed to Erwin’s request or that he’s even heard it. He avoids Erwin’s eyes pointedly.

Erwin decides that this is all he can do for now and turns back to head inside again. The soldiers that returned with him are dragging their feet behind him as they dismount their horses. 

“The rest of you can get back on with what you were doing. See that Peters, Ziegler, and Freya here are all given hot meals first. Give them a few days to themselves to recuperate,” he calls out, giving a quick, sweeping glance across his soldiers who look back at him with large eyes of concern and attention. 

He makes eye contact with Hange who looks exasperated in the wake of Erwin’s arrival and Levi’s outburst but nods at him. “Hange, please meet me inside for the report. I’ll make it quick. And Miche, start preparing the proper arrangements for Addler, Johan, Schmidt, and Brigitte,” he adds, gesturing vaguely to the wagon being dragged by Freya’s horse which carries the bodies of his fallen subordinates. The ones he had turned back for and still failed to save. “They were the only ones we were able to salvage.”

He makes some attempt to sound solemn, as though he deeply regrets their deaths, and then sooner feels disgust at the notion that he must try. There was a time when he did not have to try. He supposes that that was a while ago now. More than that, he feels deep dread as he thinks about the death certificates that he will have to sign and send out in the upcoming days. He shudders thinking of it, feels the weight of papers and bodies and dismembered limbs, belonging both to human and Titan, feels them pressing down on him. He fantasizes that it drags him down until it overburdens him, until it pulls him towards the earth, further and even further down so that he is falling into hell right where he belongs. 

Levi’s crude description of what went on at HQ in his absence had already painted him enough of a picture, but Hange goes into detail anyway. They tell him how things had been chaos in the last few days, the chain of command being blurred without their Commander or even an interim leader to direct everyone, higher ranking soldiers arguing about whether or not to send out a search party, brass in the capitol sending correspondence that discussed choosing the 14th Commander of the Survey Corps. They were hours away from pronouncing him dead. Killed in action. It all becomes yet another thick strand of guilt that wraps itself around Erwin tightly, wrapping him up in a web that grows more and more impossible to free himself from. He nearly barks out a sour laugh at it all. He knows he has absolutely no right to feel guilty upon learning all of this, knows he makes these decisions of his own will in moments of extreme weakness. He does it to himself. He is a slave to it, this guilt, his own suffering. It’s all he knows now and truthfully, he finds comfort in it.

He then gives Hange a short account of what happened outside the Walls after the formation was split up. Erwin had quickly taken a few of his own squad, turned around to support and gather up the soldiers who were unable to continue forward due to the 15-metre Abnormals that infiltrated the formation. Hange then tells him that the Abnormals had only gotten that deep into the formation without warning because of the terrible rain that was obscuring vision; they had completely wiped out the right-wing of the formation before any soldier could fire off a single smoke signal. 

Erwin had commanded all those who were already safely past the Titans and outside of their range to continue on towards Wall Maria, Levi Squad included. In all honesty, things happened too fast and there was little to help with even for a team as specialized and strong as Levi’s. He knew there was next to no hope for the troops that had been separated from the rest of the pack, the majority of them being inexperienced recruits and it was precisely why he volunteered himself to lend his own hand. Of course, he does not relay all of this to Hange, only really describes which soldiers he had witnessed get torn into pieces, the ones who survived the initial attack but later succumbed to fatal injuries, the bodies he was able to recover and carry home, and the ones that were swallowed whole or trampled and could not be salvaged at all. He and the rest that survived after cutting down the Abnormals were forced to return to the Wall at a much slower pace, having to stop to set up camp more often than he would like due to a shortage of supply as well as the rain that never once relented. Travelling in such a small squad outside of the Walls meant that they had to be fifty times more cautious than usual since they did not have the numbers to scout ahead for approaching Titans or other threats. The rain slowed them down even more, drenching them to the very core and making Erwin feel as though he would never feel warmth again. 

He feels his tongue go fuzzy as he speaks, thinking back to Levi’s words from earlier. He was not far off from the truth at all; “Erwin” and “deathwish” belong in the same sentence together. 

It was a purposeful decision on his part to command Levi and his squad to continue home. The possibility of Erwin surviving his little suicidal mission was slim but the chances of survival increased substantially had he allowed Levi to follow him. Some force within him forbade him from making that call that would definitively prolong his lifespan. And, even in this episode of his, this moment of weakness, he did not enjoy the idea of Levi witnessing his death, would not want the other man anywhere in the vicinity were Erwin to be plucked off his horse and bitten in half. But he will not ever admit this to Hange, nor Levi, can hardly even admit it to himself. 

It was only by a stroke of misfortune that the Abnormals were not much interested in him, were more tempted in devouring his much younger comrades who were, in comparison to himself, much less willing to die.

Erwin thanks Hange, asks them to help oversee preparations for distributing the remains of the dead to their respective families before he excuses himself to finally go bathe. Before he turns to leave, Hange reaches a hand up, holds him by the shoulder, steadies him when he jumps a bit at the contact.

“It’s great to have you back, Erwin,” they say, giving him a somber smile. Erwin thinks it’s unfitting for them to be reserved. He covers their hand warmly with his, nonetheless, returns the smile but feels that it is not any less grim than their own. He wills them to not say anything more, about how people here need him, how he gives his comrades the right amount of courage, or inspires bravery in others. He can’t hear it right now, doesn’t want to remember how much of a con artist he’s become. 

He sighs in relief as Hange lets him go without another word. 

Erwin heads up to his quarters, finds his washbasin already full of hot water and he nearly groans at the mere sight of the hot steam rising up from the water’s surface. 

After probably the most satisfying bath of his life, Erwin pulls up a stool in front of his mirror and gets to work on the rough stubble that adorns his face. He had estimated that his time outside the Walls had been around a week and a half but it had felt like months. Hange had told him that it had been exactly eight days ago when the formation had been separated. He looks worse for wear, dark circles lining his eyes and cheeks looking hollow after not having much to eat during the last couple days of the trek. He feels infinitely better after washing his hair and shaving his face clean. He looks neat this way, appears more civilized and less like the wild monster that sometimes takes over him inside, the one that orders children to their demise and then glances over their death certificates the next day as if they are the morning paper. 

Someone delivers a warm meal to him of which he gulps down quickly. He checks the time and allows himself to nod off at his armchair for a few hours before he wills himself awake and gets started on the paperwork that is already piling precariously high on his desk. It seems that even though the Corps were that close to pronouncing him dead, they had continued to deliver his paperwork to him accordingly, assuming it would be taken up by the next chosen Commander. 

The sun has set and paints his room in dark shadows when he hears a sharp knock on his door. When he opens it, he is unsurprised when Levi elbows his way right past him with hardly a grunt for a greeting. He situates himself on the sofa in front of the fireplace initially, but soon huffs in annoyance before getting up to kneel in front of it, fiddling around with the iron poker and nudging the firewood to and fro.

“You never set this properly. Pisses me off. You’re a grown man. You should know how to set a fire properly.”

Erwin can only stare at the back of his head as he sinks back into his desk chair. He realizes that it feels good to be the target of Levi’s anger. Erwin receives plenty of anger from others; the brass, MPs, friends and family of Scout members. Erwin almost delights in it, having the insults hurled at him. It feels like it shouldn’t be this rare for those directly around him in the Scouts to see him in that way too.

He knows how to set the fire correctly, just simply couldn’t be bothered to think about it much in his state. He doesn’t say this, though, of course. 

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” he says lamely instead. 

“I’ve given you the whole day to yourself, to pick your giant nose or whatever it is you do, and that’s seriously all you could come up with?” Levi presses, still refusing to face him but Erwin wishes he would. He wants to see the look on his face, wants to feel the inferno that he feels raging all around them as the short man seethes. The fire crackles and pops loudly as Erwin gathers his thoughts.

“I’ve nothing to say in my defence. It was stupid. It was suicide. It’s as simple as that and I’m sorry,” Erwin states and he hates himself for how incredibly inadequate it sounds. After everything Levi has given up for him, everything Erwin has taken from him, and that’s the best he can offer. How pitiful.

“I wasn’t thinking about anyone except myself,” he continues after a pause

He only just catches Levi’s head nodding slightly as he faces the flames. The other man stands up straight finally, the line of his shoulders taut and tense. 

“You’re incredible, you know that, Erwin?” and the heat in his voice is replaced by deflation, disappointment, pity. It hurts more than any other insult and stings Erwin’s skin as though Levi had struck him with the hot iron poker. 

“Levi, you don’t understand,” Erwin starts again, stumbling over the words quickly. He rubs a hand over his face, exasperated, digs the heel of it into his eye until he sees bright shapes. “I…I’m hurting. I can’t control it sometimes. In those split decisions, it just…takes over me. I can’t think about anyone else, not even you, only myself.”

The other man suddenly spins around and stalks toward him with crossed arms. He doesn’t look angry now. His brows are furrowed in a sad expression. He’s only seen that sort of look on Levi’s face one other time, when he had returned home after his first expedition. Right after Isabel and Furlan… Erwin dislikes the way it casts deep shadows across his face. 

“Then help me understand,” Levi grits out, nearly a plea. “You really are dense. I’m right here. I’ve always been right here. With you. If you’d just let me take on some of that burden of yours…but you’re either too damn proud or you’re just a fool. I’m not really sure,” he says, trailing off and turning his eyes away to look out the window.

Erwin follows his line of sight, stares out the window and sees the remains of his deceased soldiers being laid out on the courtyard’s cobblestone ground. Sees a couple people marking things off on a clipboard, checking off names. Double-checking that the dead are indeed dead.

“It’s not right for one person to shoulder all of that, Erwin. Let me do this one thing for you…this one thing. Don’t…send me away.” 

Away where you can’t protect me?, Erwin thinks.

Levi is still standing there with his arms crossed, looking off out the window. He’s clearly still frustrated and for once Erwin isn’t exactly sure what to say to get him to come around. 

Erwin gives him a long look, considers the convoluted feelings that he’s kept under wraps for so long for both of their own good and also for the good of the Scouts, of humanity. They’ve both danced around those feelings silently for what feels like forever. It would do no one any favours for two of the most important men in the Scouts to get mixed up in whatever…this is. It would turn them both into liabilities, and would mean that their priorities as soldiers are divided. And besides, Levi is his subordinate. Erwin is his Commander. 

But Erwin has given away so much already without ever so much as a complaint or a protest. Sacrificed a life for himself, a family, a future, his own humanity. He has nothing left to give and he can only take now, like a starved man. He decides that if he allows himself to indulge in one thing, it will be this one man with his quiet, unwavering devotion that Erwin cannot even begin to understand. 

Still beyond weary, Erwin heaves himself out of his chair and has a seat at the end of his bed in the corner of the room. He watches Levi watching him.

“Come here,” he tells him, motioning to the spot beside him. “Just…please, Levi,” he adds when the other man doesn’t move, a skeptic arch contorting one of his thin brows. 

Levi eventually abides his request, most likely because he hears the exhaustion twinging Erwin’s voice into near desperation. He skulks over to him and gingerly sits down, crossing a lean leg over the other. 

“I never want to send you away. It doesn’t serve me or my wishes. I know you want to protect me. But I have hundreds of other lives to think about. Lives that have been given and lost to my cause and my goal. Lives besides yours and mine that I am responsible for. There are times when I need you to keep those lives safe and sometimes there are others who matter more than me. I put you and the others before myself and that’s a duty I agreed to a long time ago. You understand, yes?”

“Yeah. But I don’t give a fuck about their lives. My duty is to you,” Levi says, quiet but sharp. “I’m selfish.”

Levi appears a bit shocked at his own words and looks away. 

And Erwin knows that it’s not true; that there isn’t a single bad bone in Levi’s body despite his upbringing and what he might think about himself. The only fault that Erwin might find with him is not that he doesn’t care about his comrades but instead that he cares too much, most certainly cares too much for Erwin. He’s a better man than Erwin could ever be. 

“I see. I suppose I’m quite selfish as well.”

And Erwin knows that he’s telling the truth when he says it. Knows he has made many greedy decisions, is about to make yet another one right here where they sit.

Levi meets his eyes again and Erwin sees his own bitter loss, his gnawing hunger and want reflected back at him in Levi’s face. It makes him freeze, feel numb as he wonders how anyone else in this world can comprehend a fraction of the roaring terror that is constantly swirling inside his head like a natural disaster, can understand the degree to which he suffers internally. But he knows now that if anyone could figure out how to make sense of the mess in Erwin’s head, it is Levi. 

Erwin cannot tell if it’s seconds or minutes or hours that pass before one of them moves, Levi’s hand twitching in his lap uncomfortably in the silence, fiddling with his gear that he hasn’t taken off for the day yet.

It’s enough to snap Erwin out of his trance and remember where he is, in his own quarters with the man who allows him to feel the minuscule sliver of hope that keeps him fighting to reach the truth he seeks despite the egregiously impossible odds that he faces. The one man that makes him question himself when he’s in the throes, wondering nothing more than if the release that is death is what will finally set him right.

“You care about my life too, right?” Levi prompts him and, oh, Levi really has no idea because it should be so obvious. He wishes the man had just the slightest idea of how big of a presence he is in Erwin’s mind, body, and soul. Not in an unpleasant way but in a way that is so strong and so intense that he has a difficult time pushing it to the side for the sake of simply going about his day. He is everything. Levi. He’s everywhere and Erwin cannot escape him, suicidal missions and deathwishes and Titans not even being enough to shake him off.

Without thinking too hard, he takes hold of Levi by the shoulder, gentle but firm, his fingers sliding under the strap of his ODM harness and pulls him closer. 

“Erwin,” he says, alarmed. 

Erwin brings his face down level to Levi’s, briefly searches him for any sign to suggest that he wants no part of this, gives him ample opportunity to push him away but all Erwin collects from him are those same hungry eyes, the same expression that twists his sharp features into something so beautiful and sad that it’s nearly painful for Erwin to look at it but he refuses to turn away. 

“Hold on,” Levi says, his hand gripping Erwin’s wrist. “This…this is what you want?” he says. He sounds incredulous as though he can’t wrap his head around it. Erwin hardly can either. 

“I’m only human, Levi,” he rasps quietly in response. 

And he decides he can no longer stand any more of this, pulling Levi even closer and fitting their lips together. He catches a sharp gasp escape Levi as he does so but it’s cut short as he all but melts against Erwin. He feels the rough tension from the expedition, the paperwork, the death, feels it all leaving his body entirely as he kisses Levi, his other hand reaching up to his slender waist to steady him as he sways slightly under his touch. 

Erwin is intrigued to discover that Levi tastes both sweet and bitter, like the bergamot tea he drinks that is so difficult and a little expensive to get ahold of these days but Erwin still goes out of his way to get it when the budget allows. The taste is appealing and so characteristically fitting and it makes Erwin smile inwardly at how well he knows him after everything; knows how short he likes to keep his fringe and undercut down to the millimetre, knows the way his fingers fiddle with the harness strap on his thigh when he’s feeling unsure, knows he despises the taste of peppermint tea but will brave sharing a pot with Erwin every now and then because Erwin prefers it. The way his lips taste is but one more thing Erwin can add to the list that he locks away inside himself. It gives Erwin an immense sense of pride to be able to know these small things about Levi. He wants more, wants to know every nook and cranny of his Captain who follows him through hell everyday, wants to know what makes him sigh with satisfaction.

Erwin moves his mouth experimentally, pleased when Levi responds eagerly with a muffled mmph against his lips. Erwin feels Levi’s hands shoot up to tightly grab the front of his shirt, bunching up the fabric in his fists and pulling him impossibly closer. He breathes deeply out of his nose as he parts his lips slightly, licking gently into Levi’s mouth, feeling out the curves and ridges of it and memorizing it into his brain. His tongue feels warm and wet against his own and a quiet whimper emits from the smaller man in his arms. 

Levi breaks off suddenly, shoulders heaving as if he’s just run several kilometres and rests his forehead against Erwin’s chest. He buries his face there, still wringing his fingers in the front of Erwin’s shirt. 

“You know that this isn’t right at all,” he says simply, voice rough. His words ring through the still air in Erwin’s quarters as explosively as if it were a canon firing. He was only waiting for Levi to point out how wrong this all is. Oh, Levi, he thinks, always so concerned with what is right and what isn’t. 

Of course, Erwin knows this, has known since the very moment he noticed his gaze lingering on Levi as he deftly cut through the air on his ODM gear during combat training, since the first time he caught himself staring at the back of his head and wondering how it would feel to smooth his fingers through the dark hair. It’s not a dilemma that Erwin hasn’t already mulled over obsessively before; but both Levi and Erwin are practical men. Erwin, in his own sense, is an idealist and at the end of the day, he would do almost anything to avoid putting his dream in jeopardy, striving for a better world at nearly any cost. Him and Levi are both experienced soldiers who think in logic. They may be different in a lot of other ways but neither one is the type to compromise on what they believe to be the most rational course of action with the highest chance of a successful outcome. 

Besides that, Erwin has scathingly refused to let himself idealize a future for himself, one where he can love and be loved. For it is simply a passing fancy that a man of his crimes cannot hope to achieve. It is not an ideal he deserves to have for himself after he’s robbed countless others of the same dreams. 

And yet…

“I know,” he says, voice nearly breaking with the implications of what they’re doing and how it will inevitably end. He feels the finality of it deep within him as he says it, knows that he is all but setting it in stone, as though he’s unlocked some door that they can no longer close and they’re now being pushed down a dark, unending well that they will not escape no matter how hard they try to claw their way back out.

One of his hands snake up Levi’s back and settle in his hair, stroking the shorter strands of his undercut before twirling the longer ones on top around his finger in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. His hair is as soft and clean as he imagined it to be. He cradles Levi’s head against him, staring at the wall and getting angry when he feels the beginnings of tears stinging his eyes and his chest tightening. They subside as quickly as they appear. He sincerely cannot remember the last time he’s cried.

“I know but I am weak,” he finally admits. Forces the despair out of his voice for Levi’s sake. 

Levi nods against him. He scoots his body close so that he’s practically in Erwin’s lap. His hands finally let Erwin’s shirt free and he instead takes one of Erwin’s hands in both of his. They feel cool and smooth around Erwin’s skin. His fingers touch across the scar on Erwin’s palm, the same one that Levi had left there years ago with his blade. The pads of his fingers are rough but touch his skin delicately. 

“I don’t know what to do,” Erwin tells him and he’s not sure what part of it he’s referring to. It seems that there are too many issues these days, too many origins of guilt and despair within him and he isn’t sure where to start. He doesn’t even know if there’s a way to untangle the threads which cross over one another and become more terminal each day. He does not wish to burden Levi too heavily with the weight of it all but he sees no other way to continue moving forward now. 

Levi leans back to look him in the eye and Erwin finds comfort in the familiar frown that he’s smiled back at so many different times. His grey eyes are narrowed and troubled, thin brows upturned. 

“Just let me stay at your side,” he demands, squeezing his hands tighter around Erwin’s. “If you let me do that, it will get better.”

He says it so confidently without wavering, the same way that he strikes a Titan down with ease. He doesn’t try to understand why Levi does this; shields Erwin with the entire might of his superhuman being, kills countless Titans for him and his cause, devotes himself wholly and without question. Levi truly intrigues Erwin and he wonders how he appears in the other man’s eyes but even after years of becoming closer to him, he continues to wonder what it is he sees. 

“Okay.”

And he does mean it genuinely. So he doesn’t let it be known, hardly even acknowledges it to himself that there will come a day when he must go back on his word. He’s long since known that he is not a good enough man to have any of his far-fetched dreams seen through to the end. Not for the first time this evening, he inwardly deflates at just how goddamn selfish he is, knowing he’s very well leading Levi to ruin by the second, knowing that one day he will ensure that Levi outlives him even if it means Levi will hate him for it. 

Levi wraps an arm around Erwin’s neck and gives him an almost shy look. Erwin thinks it looks odd on his face which is nearly always scowling but he feels himself soften at the thought of Levi possibly being shy. He tries his best to push away the clouds of doubt in his mind, the man in his lap deserving of his full attention and care. 

His hand slides down to Levi’s nape, pushes their foreheads together again as the other man’s eyes flutter shut, breathing slow. 

“You are precious to me,” he tells Levi and kisses him again, deeper this time, cupping his cheek as he tongues his way into his mouth, chasing that taste of bergamot. He breaks off every now and again to kiss him on his face, his jaw, taking note of how the man shivers from his touch, storing away the image in his head. So many times he’s wished he’s been able to say these words out loud so it feels unimaginable to actually say them this time. “You’ve always been dear to me, Levi.” 

He sighs into Erwin’s mouth at that, nodding fervently as though he’s deeply affected by what he’s said and it pains Erwin to think that perhaps it’s the first time he’s heard those sort of words said to him. He’s squirming in his lap, hesitantly grabbing at the opening of Erwin’s shirt with his free hand.

“I’ve never done this before,” Levi says breathlessly against his mouth. 

Erwin nods in response. “I gathered as much.” 

He’s never fully considered it until now but Levi being inexperienced does make sense; his prickly demeanour hardly meshes well with others and it’s taken Erwin much trial-and-error to get their relationship to the point that they are at right now. He finds himself nervous that he would be the first person to have Levi like this, have him in his lap all pliant and wanting, shivering and sighing at his soft words. 

“What the hell does that mean?” Levi grunts at him, sounding unimpressed. 

Erwin laughs quietly, wrapping an arm around him so he can hug him closer, tuck him away and keep him safe against him. Precious thing. Levi has continuously gone out of his way to protect Erwin again and again and he feels the need to return the favour now in any way he can, feels that this may be the only sort of way where he can really take care of and look after him for once.

“It’s just that you don’t typically open up to people. And by all means, correct me if I am wrong but I don’t really imagine sex life being something you’ve put a ton of weight on in your life.”

Levi grunts again at that, shrugging a bit. “I guess you’re right. What about you?”

Erwin stops to think for a moment. Admittedly, he hasn’t had a very exciting sex life as of late either. 

“It’s been a long time for me. I was much more adventurous as a younger soldier. As you know, this line of work doesn’t allow much room for…personal commitments. Even more so for someone with my title. But…”

Levi peers up at him attentively and Erwin feels he doesn’t need to explain. They both know without it being spoken; they’re at a point of no return now. 

Erwin senses both of their inexperience now as they’re pressed so close together, with Levi opting to straddle his hips. He feels Levi’s hardness against him, feels the desperation in the way he grips Erwin. He knows his own cock has grown stiff, pressing up into the warmth of Levi’s ass and he can’t help the redness that he is certain is now spreading across his face as the current situation is fully realized by his body. Levi is the one to close the distance between their faces this time, timidly slotting his lips against Erwin’s. Erwin lets him set the pace, lets him kiss and lick and sigh into his mouth as if he’s studying the motions. When Erwin bites down lightly on Levi’s bottom lip, the other man gasps and squirms in his lap, the friction of it pressing down on Erwin’s growing erection. 

He breaks off, needing to do something about this and quickly. For one, they’re both still wearing too many clothes and he gets to work right away on the buckles of Levi’s harness, fingers feeling clumsy and too big as he fiddles with a buckle at his shoulder. It really has been a long time since he’s last been intimate with anyone and his nerves are getting the best of him. He doesn’t miss the way Levi’s breath hitches unevenly as he waits for Erwin to finish the task. Eventually, he rolls his eyes impatiently and shoos Erwin’s fingers away, undoing the buckles himself. 

“You might be a bigger virgin than me,” Levi mumbles under his breath and Erwin chuckles fondly. 

“You’ve insulted me enough for one day, don’t you think?” 

Levi quickly unbuttons his own shirt after shedding the harness from his torso, pushing the fabric from his shoulders. He has a very toned body, which doesn’t surprise Erwin in the slightest. He’s all hard lines and muscles and rightfully so; he trains harder than any other person in the regiment so it’s not hard for anyone to guess that he’s fit under his clothes. Erwin’s eyes lock onto the nicks and scars that adorn his pale skin, imagining that some if not many of them existed on his body long before he came above ground and was recruited into the Survey Corps. He trails his thumb across a particularly nasty looking one that starts from under his pectoral and across his sternum. The scar runs deep, pinching the skin around it into pale ridges. Erwin looks up and sees Levi watching him intently. There’s a fire in his eyes. 

“Do you want to go ask Moblit to draw you a picture?” he says, and Erwin can tell that he tries to sound sharp but his voice has lost its edge. 

Erwin shakes his head without a word, splays a hand across the small of his back and leans to breathe Levi in, nosing down the side of his neck and down to his collarbone. It is hard to explain it but he smells amazing. Like freshly cut grass, the cold sensation of crisp outside air hitting you when you first open the window, like a clear sunny day. It’s delicious and so intoxicating that his eyes nearly roll back in his head. He presses his lips to the skin, taking in more of the clean scent and then begins to lick and suck near the collarbone where he knows no one else will see it later, holding Levi in place with the hand on his back when he begins to fidget in his grip. 

“Shit,” he hears Levi curse lowly. Erwin feels a small hand tangle into the hair at the back of his head, encouraging Erwin’s movement. 

“Levi…you are beautiful. You’re a wonder,” he says into his skin. He can’t help the praise as it rolls off his tongue so easily; he truly is a gorgeous thing. He’s thought so since the first moment he saw him all that time ago in the Underground. Even when Levi had glared up at him with so much defiance in those grey eyes that it scared him. 

Levi hums weakly. Erwin knows him well enough to know he doesn’t really hear the appreciation, knows that he doesn’t know what to do with it, where to put those words, can’t make sense of them. But he will keep repeating it until he knows it too, will continue to sing his praise until he understands why.

Erwin moves to plant a firm kiss on his mouth before gripping his narrow hips and lifting him off his lap. He marvels internally at how light Levi is in his hands. He could easily lift him with one arm. He sets the man down on the edge of the bed, kneels down on the ground before him and starts undoing the laces of his boots.

He begins to feel his nerves getting the best of him once again as he slides the boots off his feet, reaching for the harness straps that rest across Levi’s thighs. Humanity’s strongest soldier is sitting before him. He has watched this man single-handedly take down more Titans than he can count without even fully exerting himself and now he is sitting here with Erwin’s hands all over him. This man who has capabilities and strength that he often thinks are a miracle or a celestial gift, a full mystery to humanity and somehow Erwin has conned his way into getting him into his bed. He feels another pang of remorse that seems to torment him. Has he truly stooped so low as a leader? Has he truly imposed himself so strongly upon his comrades, so incredibly self-indulgent that he cannot even keep his blood-stained hands off of his Captain, his most dear and valuable soldier? The shame takes him and almost, almost outweighs that relentless hunger that eats away at him, has corroded him down so slowly. He wants him so badly and he is starving for it. 

“Hey, blondie,” a harsh voice sounds. Erwin blinks and looks up at the pretty face that scowls at him but brings him back down to earth nonetheless.

“Stop thinking so damn much. We’re past that already,” Levi continues after a pause. 

Erwin blinks again, focuses and helps Levi out of his bottoms. Levi takes a deep breath as Erwin’s eyes sweep across his body which is now fully bare and Erwin hardly wastes anymore time. 

He takes Levi’s stiff cock in his hand and watches closely as his face screws up with the sensation, brows furrowing and his lips pressing tightly against each other. His cock is warm and smooth and perfect in Erwin’s palm. He glances down to see that his hand is completely envelopping it and he can’t help his own cock from jumping a bit at the sight. 

“Levi,” Erwin says and it comes out more like a beg than anything. It makes him feel pathetic. He begins moving his hand steadily. “You…You’re so-”

“Shut up,” the other man groans through gritted teeth.

And Erwin does. He watches as Levi’s hands muss up the bedding underneath him, notices the muscles in his legs straining. It is a religious experience to see him like this. Erwin would be lying if he were to say he hadn’t imagined this before during the rare pockets of time he gets to himself, when he is distracted from paperwork, trying to get his mind off of regiment budgeting and death certificates, stroking himself at his desk and getting off on the mental image of Levi underneath him, the smooth expanses of his body reacting to Erwin’s fingertips. 

Erwin lowers his face, licks the head of Levi’s cock without warning and startles at the sudden string of expletives that follow immediately afterwards. Levi forcefully grabs a fist full of his hair, pushing and pulling simultaneously as if he is unsure if he wants to have more or wants to get away. 

Erwin goes back in, slowly this time, takes his cock into his mouth entirely without difficulty. It fits perfectly in his mouth. He uses his tongue to massage against the underside, tracing along the vein there. Levi is biting down on his lip tightly, trying and somewhat failing to stifle the sounds that Erwin so badly wants to hear, faint whines escaping him. He reaches a hand up, puts his thumb against Levi’s bottom lip, eases it down and urges his teeth off the skin.

Erwin pulls off for a moment, replacing his mouth with his fingers once more. He pinches and strokes rhythmically, continues to pull strained noises from the other man. He drops his head down to Levi’s inner thigh, mouths at the skin that is worn and bruised a dark red over time from his ODM harness digging in. Puts small, wet kisses along the bruises as he noses at the base of his cock. 

“Talk to me,” he pushes. “Tell me if it feels good or not.”

Levi, his eyes screwed shut, shakes his head as Erwin works him in his hand.

“Shut up.”

“Levi,” he warns, stern. He says it without actually saying it: it’s an order. “Tell me.”

“F-...fuck off. Don’t make me.”

“You really ought to talk to your Commander more nicely,” Erwin says, gentle this time, his fingers slowing down to a near halt. He knows it’s mean but he really does need to know what’s going on in that head of his, especially since this is his first time. Levi is a man of few words on a good day but he wants this to be good for Levi and wants to know if there’s any way he can make him feel even better. 

Levi scoffs harshly in response, eyes glinting dangerously as he cracks them open to glare at Erwin like he hates him. It does in fact remind Erwin of the first time that they met in the Underground and he is not man enough to acknowledge that it turns him on exponentially more.

“It feels good, you shitty bastard,” he chokes out. “Ah, fuck.” 

Erwin responds quickly by taking Levi in his mouth again, swallowing around him. The other man’s head falls back, hanging in between his shoulder blades as he leans back on his elbows until Erwin can only see his Adam’s apple bobbing. He gasps roughly like it hurts to breathe. 

Erwin eases the tip of his tongue across the head. The man’s hips stutter up desperately and he falls back on the bed, covering his face with an arm while his other hand continues to pull at Erwin’s hair. Erwin is no stranger to pleasing other men, has experienced it many times in his life, but has not enjoyed it nearly as much as he is right now; the sharp reactions he’s forcing from his Captain encourage him further and only leave him wanting more. He didn’t know it was possible to like this so much. It makes everything feel better, that it’s Levi, his Levi. 

“Erwin,” Levi cries. His black hair is beginning to adhere to his temples which are sticky with sweat. “Ngh…I’m gonna…” 

He hums low in response. He lets go of Levi’s hip, lets him buck upwards into his mouth at his own leisure, pulls and tears sharply at Erwin’s hair until he releases into his mouth. He shivers and whines as his cum spills down Erwin’s throat and he swallows it down easily, dutifully. Levi’s head swivels back round to stare at Erwin with wide eyes as he does so, mouth slack and pink tongue lolling out the side as he heaves in deep breaths.

Erwin’s knees are sore from being pressed into the ground. He pulls off finally, resting his cheek on the other man’s thigh and studies the beautiful soldier above him as he catches his breath. 

“Pervert,” Levi accuses him weakly. Erwin reaches up to catch one of the other man’s hands that remain bunched up in the sheets, holding the clammy palm in his. He runs his thumb across the knuckles, feels the calloused skin of Levi’s fingertips touching across his own, rough from being wrapped around the handles of his ODM gear repeatedly. “How long have you been waiting to get me like this?” 

“A while,” Erwin answers honestly without hesitation. “I told you, you’re very dear to me, Levi. It’s been that way for…” he trails off, genuinely racking his brain for the answer. He doesn’t know; the myriad of feelings he holds for Levi are as second-nature to him as reading a newspaper or using ODM gear. They are skills that are now as consistent and easy as breathing. He doesn’t know when he became so proficient in the skill that is loving Levi, only knows that one day it suddenly came into fruition and he was never the same afterward. 

“A while,” he repeats dumbly. Erwin has never once had issues with what to say. It’s one of the few things he prides himself on, his ability to say the right thing, raise the morale of his troops with only his words. But he finds his tongue sometimes tied like a nervous cadet who's been caught slacking off when it comes to this man. 

He thinks back to how he had looked at Erwin so angrily earlier that same day, when he had just stepped onto HQ and knew that were he not careful, Levi might have wound up a fist and slugged him unconscious. It’s the very same man, the most lethal man within the Walls, who is now stretched out like a cat on his bed, dozily stroking Erwin’s hand in the wake of his orgasm. Erwin finds it funny, the way things work out like that.

Levi hums with satisfaction above him. Squeezes Erwin’s hand like he’s telling him he’s still there. 

“Get up here, old man,” Levi directs him after some time, pulling him up by his hand. “Your knees are gonna give out if you stay down there any longer.”

“Yes, Captain,” he obliges, moving up and laying himself down next to Levi. “And I’m not that much older than you.” 

He would have been content to stay down there on his knees for the rest of the night, admiring the man. He doesn’t know how he’ll manage to tear himself away from him when he must return to his duties. How can either of them go back to the way things were before now? How can Erwin be expected to return to life as normal, fighting off Titans and attending meetings when he knows how sweet things can be, has something as sweet as humanity’s strongest soldier at his side, helping him shoulder his burden? He wants to keep them both here and never leave, humanity be damned, because that’s precisely how selfish he is. 

Levi rolls over so that he’s curled up against Erwin, snuggling into his side with a hand laying on his chest. Erwin throws his own arm around him, holds him there. And Erwin is sure that he must have done something beyond heroic in another life, something worthy of divine grace, because there isn’t a shot in hell that he deserves any of this. 

He stiffens considerably when he feels the sensation of Levi kissing, sucking, and nipping at the skin that’s been exposed on Erwin’s chest as the collar of his shirt has rustled its way down. 

Levi’s knee which is in between his own presses up slightly, hardly noticeable at all, except Erwin is on edge, still so painfully aroused. The slight movement puts pressure on his cock which is now rock-fucking-hard and straining painfully against his pants. He lets out an embarrassing noise. He feels Levi’s grey gaze on him, feels his skin prickle with the scrutiny of it. He’s studying Erwin like he’s a tough problem, like he’s trying to figure out how best to butcher a group of 5-metres with maximum efficiency and minimum injury. 

Levi presses up harder. He’s testing his limits and Erwin gets fed up with it. He rolls them so that he’s situated between Levi’s thighs, pressing his covered stiffness against the other man’s backside. They both shudder. 

“More?” Erwin says. “You want more?” 

“Nah, I’m just winding you up for the hell of it,” Levi sneers but there’s no punch to it. 

Erwin reaches to the drawer at his bedside and pulls out a bottle of slick oil. It hasn’t been used in a long while and even before the last time, was only rarely opened. Erwin does not even remember who it was the last time, the faces of people he did not care for, does not care to recall, all blurring together into one murky figure. It’s different this time, obviously. He wants to remember every moment and every detail of this, hopes that he will never forget how Levi grips his bicep and clenches around his finger as he pushes the first one inside alongside a generous coating of the oil. Erwin gropes the soft flesh of Levi’s ass with his other hand, spreads him open so that he can watch Levi’s hole twitching around his finger. He looks up, stares unashamedly as the man’s eyelids fall half shut, mouth dropping open with tight, high-pitched ah’s and nngh’s. Erwin maneuvers Levi, twists him around so that he’s on his forearms and knees, wanting him to try and relax as much as he can with the unfamiliar feeling of another man fingering his hole open. 

After some time of steadily moving his finger, Levi becomes impatient, wriggling his hips around to apply more pressure. “C’mon, more,” he complains over his shoulder, catching Erwin’s gaze. There’s a wild, feral look in his eye.

“Have you done this to yourself before?” Erwin can’t resist asking because he’s genuinely curious and is trying to gauge how much Levi can handle.

“Yeah, I have. Your fingers are a lot thicker and longer than mine, though, Sir,” Levi shoots back at him boldly. He presses the side of his face down into the sheets in between his forearms, continues looking up at Erwin provocatively from the corner of his eye, sighs deeply when Erwin adds the next finger and curls them inside him. “Feels better. Oh. Oh…” he keens.

Erwin adds the third soon afterwards, rubbing his free hand up the knobs of his spine that pull Levi’s skin taut, traces more of the pale scars that are embellished across the skin. Levi arches back into the touch, nimble and cat-like. He’s all breathy and needy, fucks himself back on Erwin’s hand when he doesn’t apply the right amount of force himself. With his ass up in the air like this, Erwin notices him growing hard once more as they both work him open together. He can all but smell Levi’s arousal like a damn dog; it fills the room, smelling like warmth and sweetness and life itself and it’s more than enough to have Erwin biting down on his lip with anticipation. 

“That’s good, Levi, really good. Feeling okay so far?” Erwin says, only half paying attention to what’s coming out of his mouth. He is admittedly caught up in the mental image of Levi fingering himself in the bathhouse, looking over his shoulder periodically to make sure no one is coming, rough groans getting caught in his throat. Or maybe he’s more bold than that, does it in the barracks when everyone else is sleeping and when he can only hope that no one else is awake to hear his muffled noises.

“Yes,” Levi says, voice gravelly. “Yes. More than okay, hnnngh.”

“I think you’re ready,” Erwin tells him. He pulls his fingers out much to Levi’s disappointment and stands up to strip himself naked. Levi flips himself back around so that he can sit and look up at Erwin as he towers over him, discards his shirt and his pants. 

Levi gawks incredulously as Erwin shoves his underwear down, his erection pressing up onto his stomach. He purses his lips and in the movement, Erwin detects a hint of apprehension. Even in the face of immediate danger and death outside of the Walls, Erwin has never seen him look nervous the way he is right now. 

“How the fuck am I supposed to fit that in me?” and Erwin can tell he says it with all earnestness. Erwin is beyond hard at this point, if that’s even possible, the head of his cock leaking. He doesn’t really know how he’s made it this far without touching himself at all and feels like he could probably finish untouched with how pent-up he is after pleasing Levi. 

“You seemed pretty confident that you could take it earlier. Did you have a change of heart?” Erwin tuts at him cruelly. Oh, he is terrible. He is full of shame, the depraved thoughts he’s having about his Captain bringing a hot flush to his face and neck. 

“Oh, save it,” he snaps. “Just hurry up and fuck me. Before I get impatient.” 

“If this is you being patient…” Erwin trails off, moving to slick himself up with more of the oil. “Don’t worry. We’ll go slow,” he adds in an effort to appease Levi’s hesitation. 

“Wait,” Levi interjects sharply, grabbing at Erwin’s arm and stopping him. “Can I put it in my mouth?”

And now it’s Erwin’s turn to gawk like an idiot but he recovers quickly.

“Well, who would I be to deny my best soldier?”

Erwin comes to stand in front of the foot of bed and Levi crawls over to him. Erwin is a lucky man, feels grateful to whatever higher deity there is out there that he gets to experience Levi like this, feral and shy and shameless all at the same time. 

On all fours, Levi licks him tentatively, holds him at the base of his cock firmly, shoots a glance up at Erwin, his grey eyes stormy and intense. When he takes Erwin into his mouth, covers the head, swirls his tongue around it fervently, Erwin needs to screw his face up and focus on not coming right down his throat immediately. He doesn’t dare look down at the other man bobbing his head up and down on it, slowly but persistently, until he’s able to steady his own breath.

“Oh my g-...,” Erwin hisses with a focused, clenched jaw. Levi is by no means technically skilled -- it’s sloppy and messy, his only knowledge of how to do it being Erwin’s own treatment of him from earlier. But god, is it perfect. He cups the man’s cheek, tilts his chin up to look at him. He doesn’t pull or push or guide him any which way, only lets him go at his own pace. There’s drool dripping down Levi’s jaw and he hums low in his throat as if to ask for Erwin’s reassurance but the vibrations of it only serve to send whole-body shivers down Erwin’s spine. His mouth is completely full of Erwin’s cock, lips stretching thin around it, but he can only comfortably fit about two-thirds of the whole thing. Oh, dear.

Erwin soon needs to pull Levi off, tugs on his black hair gently to get him to ease off, otherwise he will become lost in it. He releases with a wet groan, saliva and drool and probably Erwin’s pre-cum coating his mouth and chin, a long string of the mixture connecting the tip and Levi’s lips which are now swollen. Erwin drags him up by the hair to kiss him like he is drowning and Levi is air. He laps at the mess on Levi’s face and cannot get over how obscenely good Levi tastes, that bittersweet mix of bergamot and arousal on his tongue. He’s too turned on to care that he can taste himself too. It is dangerous, he thinks, to know how good the taste of Levi is now, doesn’t know how he will be able to resist it going forward.

“Lie back, Captain,” he directs and Levi obeys quickly. He looks up eagerly as Erwin kneels on the bed in between his quivering knees and applies more oil to his cock, to Levi’s hole. Oh, Erwin wishes Levi would not look at him with those eyes, wishes he would not look at him with such fondness that is so out-of-character for him or at least wishes he would hide it better so that it would be easier for Erwin to pretend that this doesn’t mean as much to him as it really does. It would make a lot of things easier for Erwin if there was not so much affection in the way Levi wraps his arms around Erwin’s neck and holds him close, their breaths mingling together. 

Erwin drapes himself over Levi, leaning his forearms on the bed on either side of the other man’s head, breathes in his clean scent that is now mixed with sweat, lines himself up and finally, finally pushes in. Hot beads of perspiration drip down Erwin’s temples as he puts every drop of his waning energy into moving his hips slowly, sinking the tip of his cock into Levi who is gritting his teeth in what looks like discomfort. He’s avoiding Erwin’s eyes, staring above them past Erwin’s shoulder as though there’s a god up there that can save him. 

“You need to tell me if it’s too much,” Erwin says with a steely tone so that the other man knows it’s not up for discussion. He doesn't want his pride to get in the way as it sometimes tends to and doesn't want to end up hurting him because Levi refuses to tell him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, y-yes, okay,” Levi agrees shakily, much to Erwin’s satisfaction. “I’m fine. Just keep going. I can take it.”

Erwin continues pushing in and it almost hurts how warm and soft and tight Levi is around him. It is sinful. Erwin leans down and kisses him more, pries his mouth open wider so he can caress his tongue with his own. The drag of Levi’s tongue is animalistic, it’s free of inhibitions, and filthy in all the best ways. Levi relaxes into him, whimpers against his mouth, his knees falling open more as Erwin bottoms out in him fully. 

“Good,” Erwin grunts out next to Levi’s ear. “How does it feel now?”

“Like I’m being split in fucking two,” Levi hisses, digging his blunt, short nails into Erwin’s back, his shoulder blade, scraping down the pale scars on his torso that match Levi’s own. “You can move. Just…slow.”

Erwin collects himself, eases his cock back as slow as he can before pressing back in. Repeats the movement a few times, filling Levi. 

“Ahhh, shit, shi…shit. Nghh,” Levi squeaks out. His voice gets more whiny with each soft thrust. Erwin wants to comfort him but it’s tough when he’s simultaneously trying to focus on not hurting Levi and also trying not to come right away. He settles his face in the crook of Levi’s neck as he continues to pound into him, bites at his skin, moves up to suck at the shell of his ear. 

He waits for Levi to stop clenching his jaw so hard and sighs with pleasure before he begins snapping his hips a little faster, a little harder. He sets a pace that is forgiving but still allows him to fuck Levi nice and good, has him grasping Erwin’s arm hard enough that it will surely leave a bruise. 

“You’re doing really great,” Erwin tells him, right up in his ear. “My Captain. Taking it so well, so so well. Of course you would, I knew that you would. You’re good at everything,” He can’t help his babbling. He’s becoming delirious with the pleasure of Levi all around him, his smell, his taste, his noises. He needs to fill up the small room with his overflowing affection for his Captain. 

And Levi responds to his praise bodily, letting out a mixture of sighs and cries at the encouragement. He flicks his gaze up at Erwin and he looks positively wrecked, a silent beg for more in his grey eyes. 

“You’re gonna fuckin’ kill me,” he says and it seems that he abruptly becomes aware of how much noise he’s making and catches his bottom lip in his teeth again, stifling the sounds. 

“Stop that, please,” Erwin tells him, thumbs at his lip once more. He goes further this time, holds Levi’s cheek with his palm and then presses his thumb further and further in until it’s tracing the inside of Levi’s mouth, brushing against the sharp ridges of his teeth. Erwin feels around, pushes down on Levi’s tongue. He continues his thrusts steadily, coaxing more whimpers from the other man with his finger holding his mouth open. On any other day, he would be concerned about the noise level reaching the ears of other Scouts who wander the hall and drift in and out of his office to drop off forms for him to sign, but he had given out orders to be left alone until the morning unless in emergency so he could rest after the long expedition and catch up on paperwork. Nobody will be wandering around on this floor, in this section of HQ tonight and if they are, well…

Erwin pauses his movement to reposition himself, sweat sliding down his face and making him itch. He kisses down Levi’s chest as he pulls himself back onto a kneel, stops when he reaches one of Levi’s pink nipples. Erwin sucks on it gently, worries it between his lips and it has Levi mewling desperately underneath him. Levi reaches up and pushes back the sweaty blond strands of hair that have fallen down Erwin’s forehead. 

“Why’d you stop?” he demands, tugging at Erwin’s hips greedily. 

Erwin shushes him gently. He holds Levi by the backs of his knees and resumes his pace. “Patience is a virtue, Captain Levi,” he says the title affectionately like it’s a pet name. His breath is short from exertion. From here, he gets a full view of Levi’s body as it writhes and squirms exquisitely. Erwin tears his gaze down the man’s torso once more, eyes the lithe muscles in his arms and abdomen, the pink tip of his cock which bumps up against his stomach in time with Erwin’s movement. He has more leverage this way and pulls Levi down onto his own cock in time with the momentum of his hips and the combination of it only drives Erwin deeper. He’s digging around for something, searching for that one spot that will have his dear Captain falling apart.

He almost stops his pace completely when Levi’s hand shoots to Erwin’s nape and nearly squeezes so hard that he fears his spine might break. 

“Oh, fuck, o-oh my god,” Levi wails. “Erwin, please.”

Erwin catches on quickly, angles the plunge of his hips into the same spot and repeats the motion precisely. Levi shudders violently at the sensation as Erwin drives into him relentlessly.

Erwin cannot bring himself to make contact with Levi’s gaze any longer, not when the other man is looking at him with stars in his eyes, like he is Levi’s saviour when he is really his demise. They will both be each other's undoing and Erwin has never felt or known anything else as true in his heart as this. He watches Levi’s mouth instead as it chants feverishly, his pink lips forming around Erwin’s name and consuming it hungrily as though he cannot get enough. It fills the room alongside their heavy breathing and the sound of their skin rubbing and hitting up against one another.

There’s a growing fire in Erwin’s belly that’s threatening to spill over any minute. When Erwin finds the courage to look at Levi’s eyes again, he is fearful to discover wetness on the other man’s face. 

“I’m hurting you,” Erwin states, halting immediately, feeling remorse bloom quickly within him.

“No,” Levi says hastily and with great force between small sobs, then rambles on. “No, it doesn’t hurt, I promise. Don’t stop, please, Erwin.”

Bewildered but so close to the end, Erwin keeps going. But he cannot escape the thought that he is harming Levi, whether it may be physical or in some other way that he cannot see with his eyes. He knows the answer but buries it down deep where he can ignore it and avoid the stark reality; that he hurts Levi everyday, has begun hurting him since the day they met, when Erwin brought him Above. He turned him into a weapon and now forces him to regularly endure death and loss. He will continue hurting Levi until the bitter end. It is too late to stop now so Erwin keeps going. 

Fat tears continue to flow from Levi’s grey eyes. His eyelashes are wet. Erwin fears that some dam has broken and he will not be able to fix him. Levi throws his head sideways, tries to dry his face in the sheets

“Touch me,” he pleads. Tears and drool mix together in the sheets beneath his face. “Please, Commander. Erwin.” 

And Erwin, the dutiful Commander he is, obliges, preferring to follow the man’s simple instructions rather than try to unpack the entirety of everything else. He fists his hand around Levi’s cock, strokes him quickly. It is ungraceful but it doesn’t matter anymore. Levi cries and moans shamelessly at Erwin’s fingers around him, his cock driving into him ruthlessly. 

Erwin reaches with his other hand and turns Levi’s head back to face him. He wants to see his eyes again. It scares Erwin to see Levi in a state of pure vulnerability and weakness like this. He feels as though he is undeserving of it all. Levi, devoted to him already in so many ways, sharing this with Erwin. It is not right, he thinks, not for the first time that evening. 

He suddenly feels sad for Levi, knowing that Levi could become weak just like him and it is at Erwin’s own hand. To know the full extent of his strength, his ferocity to protect others, his defiance…he fears the possibility that Levi would throw that away or endanger himself one day at Erwin’s expense, fears that maybe he already has started to weaken.

No…Erwin is weak but Levi is strong. He’ll ensure that that is how it will be even if it costs his life. 

“I won’t send you away,” Erwin says, willing the weakness in his voice away as he locks eyes with the other man. “So please stay by my side.”

Levi nods fervently, deliriously. He gasps hoarsely and it makes Erwin wince inwardly with how much he sounds as though he is in agony, despite what he says. Levi’s hips twitch and spasm wildly up into Erwin’s hand.

It is only a few moments more before Levi’s second orgasm rips through him, tearing him apart from the inside out like some sort of rabid beast escaping the cavity of his chest. He grabs at any possible thing he can: the sheets, Erwin’s hair, his own hair, scratches his fingernails down Erwin’s back. He sobs through it all, clenches down around Erwin’s cock tightly. He is spent from earlier still, can only shoot out a few short strings of warm release that coat Erwin’s hand and drip down onto his stomach.

And finally, Erwin allows himself to let go as well. He temporarily dispels his guilt and his hopelessness so that he can share this moment with his beautiful soldier, his beloved and dear soldier. He feels red hot inferno possess him and then does not feel in control of his body for a few seconds, snapping his hips forward roughly in one last deep thrust. His gaze goes bleary as he feels himself release rope after rope into Levi, filling him entirely alongside a sequence of groans. Levi doesn't seem to mind though as he steadies Erwin’s stuttering motion with a cool hand on his thigh. 

After Erwin is spent, he collapses on top of Levi. His softening cock is still inside and Erwin feels his cum seeping out of Levi. He bites down on his lip at the feeling and rubs his face along Levi’s neck contentedly. 

Levi’s limber fingers trace the contours of his back absentmindedly. Erwin loses track of how much time goes by. Eventually, he slips himself gently out of Levi who whimpers slightly at the loss. Erwin heaves himself up to soak a few washcloths in the basin and returns to Levi, wiping his face which is blotchy and tear-stained. He tenderly brushes back the parts of his fringe that have fallen messily across his face, presses a long kiss into the man’s forehead before he lowers his reach and goes to clean Levi’s bottom. He turns him on his side so he can thoroughly clean up every last drop -- Levi is practically boneless in his hands, not protesting or making a peep besides an appreciative mumble as Erwin dries him off. 

When Erwin is finished, he pulls Levi up the bed so they can lie their heads on the pillows and tug the covers over themselves. 

They’re both on their sides, facing each other. Levi’s eyes are closed but they flicker open as Erwin relaxes, settles his strong arm around Levi’s waist. They’re red and puffy. He sniffles again, every now and then. 

“Levi,” he prompts quietly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He feels so small in Erwin’s arms. Fragile. Erwin doesn’t think he’s ever once thought of Levi as fragile or anything similar before. He is the strongest.

If anyone had asked Erwin to describe Levi when they had first met, he would have said that Levi is like a knife: sharp, cold, but if you wield him properly and with the right knowledge, he could be very useful. 

But if anyone asked Erwin to describe Levi today after years of observing him and collecting memories of him, he would say that it is tough to equate Levi to any one thing in particular. To humanity, he is a leader that reinstills faith through his strength. To Erwin, he is a symbol of hope, a daily reminder that humans can have goodness in their heart. He is the pillar that supports Erwin’s optimism that a better world exists out there beyond the Walls, that he is doing all of these things he’s done for a clear purpose, that it wasn’t all meaningless. There’s no word to accurately convey how much this means to Erwin. 

Levi shakes his head slightly at his offer. “Not right now,” he murmurs. He lurches forward so that he can tuck his head under Erwin’s chin. Erwin inhales him deeply, tries to breathe in as much as he can of that fresh smell that is so typical of Levi. It settles a deep calm across Erwin, makes him want to open Levi up and crawl inside him so that he doesn’t have to face the horrors of this world and of his own head any longer. It would be so much easier to give up, take Levi away with him, and hide forever. He wants to run away from that unending appetite for knowledge within him, the same one that his father instilled in him since childhood, the same one that drives him to unearth the truth of everything in honour of his father and all the rest who have perished for the same cause. But he can’t leave, can never do something as cowardly as that despite how many other countless sins he has already committed. 

“Okay.” 

“Do you know why I follow you without question?” Levi pipes up.

Erwin thinks for a moment before finally admitting honestly, “No. I have never understood it.”

“Because I trust you fully. I trust in you to make decisions and carry out plans that will not only serve humanity but also I trust you to keep yourself alive. I want to protect you but there’s only so much I can do,” he says into Erwin’s skin.

It is not only trust, Erwin thinks. It’s something much more complex, not lust, not blind devotion but….he doesn’t know what but knows that neither one of them are ready to face it head-on. He tries to push the thought away. 

“I see.”

“You’ve almost broken that trust this time. You’re not going to do it again, are you? You meant what you said?”

“I promise, Levi,” Erwin murmurs by his ear. And it’s a convincing display, he has to admit, but Levi knows him much too well and Erwin knows Levi too. They know each other like the back of each other’s hands. Levi’s head nods as Erwin pets his hair. Erwin hears one last quiet sniffle from him and pretends not to notice. He knows Erwin is not telling the truth. Erwin pretends not to notice that Levi notices. Neither of them acknowledge it. Erwin hugs Levi against his chest, hopes that for once in his life, he feels loved, then places a careful kiss in his dark hair. 

“Can you promise me something too?” Erwin asks tentatively. He knows he has no right to ask for this much but he does anyway. All he does is take and take. He’s taken everything he possibly can yet he still needs more.

“Depends what.”

“I don’t want you throwing yourself away. Not for me or anyone else. I want you to live.”

Levi is quiet for a moment. “What if it’s for humanity?”

“No,” Erwin says hastily, nearly cutting him off. “Not for anyone or anything.”

“You will destroy yourself one day, Erwin. You will throw everything away, everything you've ever held dear. And you will do it without hesitating. Why are you the only one who gets to have that?” Levi bites back. There is no fight in his voice though. Only defeat.

Erwin hates himself even more than he already does. 

“Because it’s different for me.”

“How the hell is it different?”

“It just is.”

Another pause.

“Fine.”

In the morning, Erwin wakes to an empty space in his bed next to him.

He rubs his bleary eyes. He is selfish, beyond selfish, and there is no way to describe how rotten he feels inside. Because now, he is not only greedy but he is also a liar. Because he will keep doing this, keep making Levi promises that cannot be kept, will keep him knowing how it feels to be loved by him, wants him to feel his warmth and affection at every possible chance. He is selfish for doing this to Levi. He is selfish because one day, he will have to make a choice and knows it will not be Levi. He is selfish because knowing all of this, he will still tangle Levi up in his arms and leave kisses on his face. He is selfish because he knows that Levi will live while Erwin’s ambition will lead him straight to a cruel fate. It would be fitting for him because he is a cruel man. He is cruel because this is what he wants. It makes him happy because it could not be the other way. He cannot exist if Levi is not there. And Levi, his most devoted, most beloved, and most dear soldier will carry this burden for him even after Erwin is gone, even though it may cause him agony. Because Levi is a good man and Erwin is anything but.