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A night out in NYC would be great after working all day long, wouldn’t it? With the bustling streets, amber glows and rushing crowds, New York at night is getting more hectic and vibrant than ever.
Chao Yufan, a high-spirited young man with the stage name “James” who works as the main dancer and rapper in a boy band, was already used to its chaotic energy. His band got some work to do and collaborated with other popular artists so they had to stay in NY for a few weeks. James’s alright with that since it’s just the nature of his job, constantly moving, being away from home, working non stop and so on. Of course, all these could bring him fatigue, depression and other mental issues. And this was when James was at his lowest, thus needing somebody to rely on, to trust and to pour his heart out to.
However, there was a spoiled brat in the band, charming, attractive but careless in all the wrong ways and he was having fun playing with his heart
But Chao Yufan just almost fell for it.
Strolling down the streets with a lit cigarette in hand, James casually immersed himself in the city’s amber haze. The cigar’s tip was still glowing with a drowsy ember and fading warmth. A soft breeze slipped past him, stirring nothing but his trains of thought. Yufan brought the cigar to his lips, inhaled slowly and let the smoke dissolve into the hazy air. All the long drags, the empty stares and even the seemingly chilled footsteps felt heavy.
As James was milling around, he suddenly heard somebody calling him
“James, what’re you doing here this late?” A deep voice mixed with a little bit of playfulness resounded
“i should be the one who asks this question”
Yufan said as he turned around to meet Keonho’s eyes which were already glued to him
A smile formed on Keonho’s face as he walked closer to his older colleague. He quickly scanned James from head to toes and left a comment
“that’s a nice leather jacket you got”
“thanks i borrowed it from Martin actually”
“Martin again? yall seem pretty close?” Keonho curled his lips, not satisfied with the answer
“what do you mean?” Yufan soon sensed something was wrong with the young boy. Keonho has always been a messy person. Emotionally, to be exact.
He has some mood swings again or? James thought to himself
Not wanting to make it awkward between them, James softened his tone
“Anyway, why are you here?”
“Just sauntering around and maybe tryna find you” Keonho shrugged his shoulders as he looked James in the eye. His gaze started to sharpen
He continued, lowering his voice
“I saw you in the nightclub”
“You were dancing, drinking and messing around with other men, weren’t you?
how filthy…”
Keonho did watch James from across the club. He observed every movement, every laugh, every touch between his ‘lover’ and those strangers. The pulsating lights seemed to be biased towards Chao Yufan, emphasizing his carelessly beautiful curve and radiant smile. Across the room, bathed in purple neon with people surrounding, he was the center of attention. And Keonho somehow didnt like it, he hated the sight of James being close to other people
The sudden statements sent chills down James’s spine. He stood still for a second, slowly smoked the lit cigarette, tapped it and replied
“You were there?”
“Just to meet up with some friends for business then left” Keonho said with a stern voice
“Tell me, James. Why were you doing all that shit?”
An inexplicable feeling of frustration and jealousy hit him out of nowhere. Keonho couldn’t even understand why he was doing this. An unnameable feeling of anger arose in his heart. His wrist tightened. He talked as if he really meant something to Chao Yufan. Well, just almost and he couldn’t know what was gonna happen between them
“Dont worry about me” James smiled, showing his usual softness
“And” He brought the cigar to his lips and stared into the young guy’s eyes
“What does it have to do with you anyway?”
His words were as light as a feather, yet they landed like a slap in the face.
Nothing. That was the thing. Nothing at all
Keonho knew what James meant. He had no right to ask about it since they were nothing but friends. Their relationship just stopped as friends and colleagues, (or a little more than that?)
Keonho had always been a certified playboy who treated all his lovers like his toys. He knew he was the one who started it all. He was well aware that he was supposed to toy with James’s heart and have some fun to chase away his boredom. This was always the plan, lead him on then dump him when it stopped being fun
And right now, in this moment, he realized he was losing his own game.
Little had he known things would turn out like this.
Keonho hated that he felt something when he was supposed to feel nothing. He hated it when his eyes kept unconsciously finding James in every crowd, hated it when his chest twisted every time James laughed with someone else. He hated to admit the feelings he had for James.
He knew he’d been bad, he knew he’d been wrong but he couldn’t face it. His ego didn’t allow him to. He refused to be honest with his feelings and chose something else to cover them up instead
He grunted while putting a smirk on his face
“of course it does”
“why? we’re just friends you know and you cant interfere in my own life” Yufan said as the smoke spilled into the air
Keonho wanted to deny it and yet he couldn’t. It would just make him look like a fool chasing after Chao Yufan.
James stared at Keonho with his glassy eyes. Sooner or later, both of them would have to face the truth. Yufan knew what kind of man Keonho was. And for sure, a leopard cant change its spots.
He couldn’t deny that he had feelings for his young colleague. There were times when James was so emotionally drained and in need of warmth that he let himself rest in Keonho’s toxic embrace. But luckily he knew himself well enough to know when to walk away.
Keonho’s still young and there’s still a lot to learn out there. and that may explain why he just cannot keep his temper. He chose anger to conceal his vulnerable self when falling in love. This brat had never truly loved anyone before and he had never felt so raw like this. Even Keonho was confused by himself. This situationship was just making him go crazy
“Just tell me why James” Keonho clenched his jaw
The glowing amber lights, the loud taxis honking, the noisy bustling streets seemed to just make it worse. All the noises, rushing crowds and blurry glares were wandering off as if they were trying to get on his nerves. The situation already felt suffocating and now it even got more difficult to handle
All the memories of seeing James being intimate with somebody else flooded back, taking control over his mind and driving him crazy
“Are you tryna seek attention in this corner of hell?” he slipped out
Yufan was taken by surprise. His face was full of disappointment and sorrow as he realized Keonho probably misunderstood him. He gave Keonho a pensive look, intending to explain it all and calm him down
“No wait! Keonho listen to me-”
Keonho couldn’t remain calm anymore. He yelled at James without bothering to hear any explanation
“or are you tryna seek affection from all those dirty shameless bastards?
such a whore” he grunted
Completely blinded by irrational anger and jealousy, Keonho quickly assumed that James was just looking for others to confirm his worth, trying to be the center of notice and searching for warmth from strangers. Such a shameful behavior
For a second, James wasn’t sure if he’d heard it right. No way this was the same guy who was the cute youngest member in their band, the same guy who was very well mannered and polite to others, the one who knew how to keep it cool and keep up his appearances
Deep in his heart, the feelings still lingered. Yufan still cared about Keonho even though he knew it wouldn't end in a good way. But maybe Keonho was just too egoistic and not delicate enough to see it, the efforts that James had put in.
No, Yufan didn’t really need eyes on him, didn’t need to be the focus of others. He didnt need attention or validation from anybody, especially in those nightclubs. He just went to the bar to distract himself from the overwhelming flow of life. But it did hit him when Keonho said “affection”. James surely needed it but he would never find such a precious thing in those places. Keonho really spit out that false accusation as if he wasnt the one who hurt Chao Yufan. He was already exhausted and stressed out by the work life balance and now he had to face up to Keonho. James knew there was no point in trying to explain because this young guy wasn’t gonna listen anyway. He just stood there with his stinging teary eyes, clouded with stress and sorrow
“Keonho…”
A single tear rolled down on his cheek. It seemed to show off everything James was trying so hard to hide
Keonho was immediately caught off guard and panicked. He just had no idea how much his words hurt James. He stood frozen, not knowing what to do. He was too scared to touch James even though he just wanted to hug him right on the spot. Maybe deep inside, he was afraid that he would break him again like what he had just done
Keonho was facing a mental conflict, between love and ego
He just realized how great the damage of his words were. He hesitated for a moment then aggressively grabbed Yufan’s wrist
“I… im sorry”
“Please… dont cry” his voice trembled
James gazed up at the young guy with misty eyes, filled with an indescribable sadness
One, two minutes passed..
James decisively pulled his hand away and wiped away the tears. He tried to quickly regain his composure, looking down at the lit end of the cigar starting to fade away. It looked like it was giving James a sign that it was time to let go
“lets stop doing this Keonho”
“im tired” James let out a sigh
“i feel like… you never really have a thing for me
maybe im just not enough
i know you never planned to take me seriously. You only flirt with me for fun and now even dare to accuse me of doing something thats not true. i was never somebody important to you
and if so, why would you care about what i do?”
The confrontation hit Keonho like a bucket of cold water. He started to feel like he was going to lose something so precious. And his narcissism slowly wore off
For the first time, Keonho regretted whatever he had done. He just wished all the fake affection he had given to Chao Yufan to reverse. He wished he hadnt taken James for granted. His big ego genuinely collapsed in a second. He didnt care anymore, he just needed his ‘lover’ back
“im sorry James im so sorry please…” Keonho kept repeating words after words and got closer to James, attempting to hug him so tightly that he wouldnt walk away
But Chao Yufan still managed to back off
“Please i know i was wrong
im sorry James… it was all my fault…
can you.. give me another chance?
i promise i will fix it, and i- i will compensate for all the things i did to you! Please James… ”
He choked out every word through his trembling voice, desperate for James’ forgiveness
Keonho stared into his soul with the puppy eyes, hoping that something would fix, something would change. Amidst this heavy atmosphere, with regret and longing, Keonho was trying his best to hold onto a dying hope
Sympathy and kindness almost covered Yufan’s eyes again. He looked at the pitiful sight of Keonho and his resolve wavered. James was again in a mental tug of war
TIng!
Suddenly, a message pop up on James’s phone, pulling him back to reality
[ From Martin:
Where r u? Im really worried for ya TT
pls come home asap Jamie
its really late nowww ]
Again, this really made Keonho lose his rag. Its always Martin who keeps coincidentally meddling in his business. Wtf is his problem?
“Please James, can you give me just one chance?” his tone clearly expressed his yearning for this older guy in the band
Chao Yufan didnt answer immediately. He knew he’d been reluctant for too long and maybe, it was time to let go. Somewhere out there, somebody would love him better, treat him right and never play with his feelings like Keonho did
“No Keonho
im sorry”
The words landed like a verdict
He felt something twisted in his chest, painful and aching. Somewhere in his mind was screaming, wanting to fix this but his body pleaded ignorance to it. He opened his mouth but couldnt say anything, as if there was a lump in his throat
“James…” Keonho hopelessly called out his name
And they were just standing there, oblivious to the hustle and bustle of NYC. The amber streetlights flickered above them, casting long shadows on the sidewalk. Why were there so many people passing by but Keonho started to feel a bit lonely?
For once in his life, Keonho could understand how it felt to long for someone, how hurtful it was to yearn for someone. He began to wonder, why he was so silly, so stupid to treat James like that, only to be left alone with such agony and bitterness
And in Chao Yufan’s hand, the cigar burned low.
The glow flickered, dimmed and started to fade away, just like this relationship
“we’re done here. After all this we will both learn our lessons
from now on we’re still simply friends”
James softened his tone in order not to hurt Keonho as he shrugged his shoulders. He gently tapped the cigar on the nearby ashtray then threw it into the bin. All the movements were effortlessly calm and natural as though nothing’d ever happened
“see you soon”
Chao Yufan turned around and walked away
Keonho was stunned by the firmness and resolve of James. How miserable…He played with Yufan’s heart but now he is the one in pain watching James move on. He went from being the predator to being the victim of his own game. Poor Keonho started reminiscing about the past, or more like grieving their past. He missed those days when they hung out everyday after practice, when James gave him a cold bottle of water with a beaming smile, when they shared ice cream under the warm sunlight, when James gently put on a soft scarf for him on a cold winter day…
Just not long after James started heading somewhere, his phone suddenly rang up with its familiar sound
A call from Martin Edwards Park.
James picked up the phone as he looked back at Keonho. He formed a small, tender smile
“Dont stay out too late or you’ll catch a cold”
The sheer respect and tenderness in his tone was what hurt Keonho the most. It was perhaps the kindest way to say goodbye, which, however, only shattered his heart into pieces
“oh hi Martin-” James's voice trailed off as he continued to walk his own path, leaving that wretched brat behind
Keonho at first intended to go after him but then he stopped. A cool wind swept past him, aloof and indifferent, fast and decisive, just like Chao Yufan. The hectic pace of life just kept going and the crowds just kept rushing. The dim lights were trying to make it easier for people to see, yet someone’s vision was starting to get blurry
Keonho stood in silence, watching James slowly fading into the distances