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"... I want you to love yourself, Spe-chan!"
Spe-chan looks confused. Special Week is left speechless for a moment after those words; Suzuka can only return her a nervous nod... and an even more awkward smile.
"You want me to love myself?", Spe asks with this half-confused, half-annoyed expression on her face, "I don't understand, Suzuka!"
Suzuka shuts her eyes and settles into a relaxed smile. Deep breathe in... and out. She continues, "Yes, Spe. I know it might be confusing. I was so nervous saying that out loud but- that's how I really feel."
"But you know I can't really do that to myself right? It's a fantasy or... fetish?"
"It's true you can't do that to yourself, that's true," Suzuka says, "But inside, Spe, how do you really feel about yourself?"
Spe's expression is now visibly more annoyed and uncomfortable as her brow furrows, "What exactly are you trying to say, Suzuka?"
"Do you love yourself, Spe-chan?"
"Suzuka?", she stands up a little taller and puffs her chest out to shout, "Do you really think I hate myself? They called me the Great General of All Japan! How could I dislike myself? I did my best! The blood, sweat, and tears I've poured into training and working on myself... you should know it better than anyone! As an Umamusume- how can an Umamusume not love herself after...", her voice chokes up into a yell, "After making her mothers proud!"
The room goes silent. Suzuka's smile has of course faded as Spe poured these vagrant emotions onto her. Suzuka nearly purses her lips to say something softly, but Spe continues on.
"I wanted to be your girlfriend, Suzuka."
"Wanted...? Don't cry Spe-"
Special Week wipes her eyes and makes her way for the door, "How can I trust you with any of my emotions? How do I trust you... if you can't even trust that I don't hate myself?!"
Spe slams the door as she makes her way out of the dorm. Suzuka is left all alone in the dorm. I'm so scared. I haven't seen her like that since my leg got hurt... Do I chase her? No. I need to let her be. I've hurt her enough already. Suzuka falls back onto her bed and stares at the ceiling. She wipes a small tear away from her face before flipping over and letting her crushed heart pour out.
--
The teary eyed General of Japan is wandering along all alone. Down the sidewalks, only lifting her eyes to occasionally look up at all the people of the city. A human-Uma couple grabbing a honey drink at the food truck. Families taking their kids to the parks. They're happy. Special Week walks on through the crowds of content faces. The chatter of speech swarms her like locusts; it's as if these people in front of her don't even exist. She can't see them anymore. All she can see is Suzuka. She can't even stand to hear their muffled chatter. She ducks into the coffee shop on the street for an escape. She sits at the table at the very back of the cafe and puts her head down.
"Special Week."
Spe looks up and sees a familiarly gloomy face, "Manhattan... Cafe."
Cafe, trying not to break her usual cold persona, is visibly concerned, "Is Suzuka okay? I only see you like this when she's not.",
"S-", Spe starts to reply but Cafe cuts her off,
"No, actually don't tell me about it. I think I understand, but I don't need to hear it. I can only get so much bad news about injuries in a day."
"Injury? Suzuka's not hurt... but what's wrong, Cafe?" Special Week won't even look up from the table.
Cafe sighs and begrudgingly speaks on it, "Tachyon. Even though she hasn't raced in years...", Cafe frowns, "Her ankle is only getting worse. We can't even go on walks for longer than a half-hour anymore. She refuses to get it looked at. I wish she wasn't obsessed with her damn limits.", Cafe's face returns to a stern position. "It's annoying."
Spe finally makes eye contact with her, "Oh, Cafe. I'm sorry. I didn't know-", and after a momentary relief Spe's fixation on Suzuka seemed to return, "You love each other a lot, don't you."
"Eh... love. It is... a word.", Cafe puts her ears back but doesn't let her face budge, even if she's clearly thinking about it, "Well what is it?"
"Huh?"
"What's your deal, Special Week? You're paler than Digi-tan after we play beach volleyball. And your little girlfriend's not hurt... so what's your deal, pretending to be emo?", Cafe turns away and glances at her from the side, "Your mom okay?"
"Yes! Mom's okay... and she's not my girlfriend."
Cafe lets out a rare, yet short and muted laugh, "Hpmph! Yeah. Not~..."
"What?", Spe's furrowed brow returns.
"Nothing. And, actually, you can leave unless you're having a coffee. Your order the same? Dark roast, two sugar, two cream?"
"No. Black, please." Spe puts her head back down.
"Down in the dumps special, side of tragic, edgy lesbo. Got it... I'll be back."
Spe's thoughts race further as her coffee's being brewed. She's leaving me. She never really loved me. She doesn't get what love even means. Practically girlfriends? Sure. She's practically telling me to go fuck myself. No, literally! I can't stand it... and I can't stand for it.
Cafe returns with two mugs of hot black coffee. The steamy evaporations wisp up and away like feelings spoken to the wind. Cafe sits down at the table with her, and takes a sip, "If you let it go cold we're just gonna throw it away. C'mon."
Spe looks up at Cafe and takes a sip, "Thanks... tsssssouwwchh! Ouww ow... burnt my mouth..."
"Baby.", Cafe takes another sip, "I can't stand you looking like this in here. You know when you smile in here it's better for business."
"Nothing to smile about."
Cafe sets her mug down hard and stares in Special Week's eyes. She suddenly grabs her by the collar of her t-shirt, "Tell me what's wrong with you and Suzuka. You're annoying the fuck out of me with this fake gloomy shit."
Spe's eyes go wide, "I- I don't think she loves me."
"Bullshit. Tell me what's going on. I'm serious."
"I am serious!"
"You're lying to me and I don't appreciate that, Special Week. Your weird red haired roommate-fuckbuddy loves you. More than you love "Bring-Two-Plates" night at the cafeteria."
"Okay. Wow, mean... But I am serious, Cafe. She said she wants me to go love myself."
"She wants you to love yourself?", Cafe lets out a deep roaring sigh, "Are you kidding me!? That's the most 'I Love You' thing you can tell another Uma. Are you dense, Special Week?"
Special Week goes on to explain the contents of Suzuka's journal to Cafe and the conversation which followed. Cafe remains unmoved.
"So she's got a weird fetish? You know I live with Tachyon right?"
Special Week is not amused.
"Well, Spe-chan, do you? Do you really love yourself? Do you even know what that means, Special Week?"
"Know what it means? To make someone proud? How could I not love myself after pouring so much effort and care into myself? I'm a world-class athlete for the Three Goddesses' sakes!"
"We all were, dumbass." Cafe sighs, sips her coffee, and rebuts, "Spe, if you spend all day at the beach building a sand castle, because that's what we all expect you to do at the beach, right? Are you going to love the sand castle when it's finished?"
"Well, if I spent that much time on it... I hope so!"
"You hope so.", Cafe cocks her head sideways.
"Well if I'm pouring so much effort into making a giant sandcastle. Yeah. I'm going to work so hard; on every little detail. Only the tide would be able to ruin it!"
"And if it doesn't come out how you like it? What if a bird shits on it? What if you didn't even really want to build it in the first place? Do you just expect to love it? Or is it that we all expect you to love it, because you spent so long building it?
"But I'm sure it would make you proud if you really cared that much. If I built a great big mansion-castle, out of nothing but sand?"
"And what happens when we're all proud of you for building it, but you're there, secretly resenting, and wishing you would've done this or that different? Do you wish you could've done anything differently, Special Week? I'm sure you do."
"Cafe. I think I do wish I did things differently. When I was running, or with my friends, or how I spent my time. I don't show it, but I get really sad when I think about that."
"But that's in the past.", Cafe replies.
"Yeah. I can't change it. But I did pretty good, right?"
"How do you feel about that part of you? The part of you that wishes you could've done better?"
"I-", Spe takes a second, and she comes to realize, "I resent that part, Cafe."
"Can you learn to love her? Can you love that Special Week inside you? Can you learn to be okay with your mistakes? Can you learn to love the mistakes you've made along the way?"
Special Week's smile returns under bloodshot eyes, "Cafe! I don't know if I can, but... oh I feel so stupid now... I made another big mistake. With Suzuka.", Spe goes to sip her coffee, "And now my coffee's cold."
"Oh great, your tears must've watered it down. Go on and get out of here. I'll forget about the bill. You barely touched it anyway.", Cafe says as she returns to her regular cold demeanor. She stealthily takes the cold coffee and pours it into her thermos.
Special Week gets up and with a gallop is ready to take off, "Thank you, Cafe!"
I'm so sorry, Suzuka! I think I understand now!