Chapter Text
Entry 1
I found this notebook in the trash behind the academy.
The cover is ripped and someone drew stupid hearts on the first page, then crossed them out really hard. I guess they didn’t like whoever they wrote them for anymore.
I’ve noticed people stop liking things really fast. But that’s okay, I don’t need anyone else to like this notebook since it’s mine now.
Iruka-sensei says writing your thoughts down helps you understand your feelings. I think he was more so talking to Sakura though. She cries sometimes when Sasuke doesn’t look at her.
I don’t cry that much anymore, now I just talk to him. But he doesn’t like it when I talk too much. So maybe writing here a bit will help instead.
Entry 2
The villagers glared at me again today. One of the shopkeepers closed his door before I even stepped inside…
I wasn’t even going to steal anything!
Probably.
I just wanted to look at the rice balls.
They smell so fresh and good. Better than the ones I make before school. They smell like the kind people say are “made with love”.
But that doesn’t matter i guess. When I got home I sat down and talked to him. He was quiet for a long time, then I heard his deep voice growl so hard it echoed throughout my entire body.
“Pathetic.”
He always says that!
But I don’t think he means it the way everyone else does. When he says it, it feels like he’s talking about something…fixable.
Like if I just try harder to get him to notice me he might say something different.
Entry 5
I asked him today what would make him proud of me.
He laughed right in my face!
It wasn’t light either like when one of the neighbors laughs, his sounded like something really big rumbling underground.
“You?”
That’s all he said, but I think he was actually thinking about it too. I mean he didn’t say no?
That’s important.
Entry 7
I got in trouble at the academy.
Again…
Iruka-sensei sighed the way adults do when they don’t want to yell but also really want to.
I carved my name into the desk while everyone stared.
I thought maybe if they looked at me long enough they’d start talking to me. They didn’t… so I talked to him again later, he said something interesting this time.
“Power earns the most respect.”
I asked him if that meant people would stop looking at me all angry like that, with “respect”.
He didn’t answer after that but he didn’t deny the thought either.
Entry 11
I tried something new today.
When the other kids left the training yard I stayed behind. I used the chakra exercise Iruka taught us, the leaf sticking one.
It’s pretty boring but while I did it I imagined he was watching me.
Judging me.
The chakra got very hot and made my head hurt a lot. But when I stopped he spoke, or to put it in better words growled…
“Hmmph!”
That’s the closest thing to approval I think I’ve ever heard from him.
Entry 15
I had a dream.
I was standing in front of a huge cage with water everywhere. It was dark and cold, and inside he laid head in massive, clawed hands. Nine tails moving like shadows behind his body, Eyes like fire when he looked at me.
Not through me like he was pretending my presence wasn’t real.
But at me.
I woke up smiling.
Entry 16
He didn’t like when I told him about the dream.
“You think too much.”
But he didn’t deny anything more so it must have been real!
Entry 20
Something happened today.
Three older boys cornered me behind the ramen stand.
They pushed me, then one of them called me a monster. I’m used to that, but then they said something about killing pests. I got really angry unlike the normal kind.
The familiar hot kind like that day at training grounds. Like a big pot of boiling water in my chest. And then I heard him clearer than ever before.
“Finally!”
The word made my heart race a lot. I think he was excited so I didn’t stop after I pushed them away into the ground.
I broke the first boy’s nose. I didn’t even know I could punch that hard! The second one fell when I pushed him and didn’t get up again. The third tried to run but I grabbed him before he could get away. And for a second I imagined what Kurama would think if I didn’t let him go. What he’d say if I showed him I wasn’t a weak cage.
The thought felt…good.
Important.
But then an adult shouted so I let go. The boy ran away crying, so I left quickly before I could get caught. When I got home I waited and waited a long time until finally he spoke.
“Better…”
Just one word.
But I couldn’t stop smiling.
Entry 24
I asked him if he hates humans. He said yes without any hesitation.
I asked if he hates me.
He didn’t answer for a long time, it wasn’t until I was in the middle of dinner before he said something strange.
“You are mine.”
I wrote that sentence down ten times on the wall.
Entry 31
I skipped going to the academy today, instead of following my usual trail I went to the forest. I tried to meditate the way the old ninja books say.
It didn’t work… I don’t like staying still for too long. But I could hear him better, the cage was clearer, the water deeper. I walked closer to the bars, when he leaned down his eye alone was bigger than my whole body.
I should have been scared but I wasn’t.
I asked him something important that’s been on my tongue since the first glimpse I got of him.
“Are you lonely too?”
He stared at me for a long time then the dream ended.
Entry 37
I did something bad today.
I think?
But it might also be good experience. There was a stray dog behind my apartment building. Its leg was hurt and It kept whining. The noise was annoying, but I remembered something from one of the stupid books we’re made to read at school.
‘Predators respect strength above all else.’
So I brought the dog inside, I just wanted to practice and see how strong I could be. It bit me when I moved to pick him up. That made me angry so I squeezed its throat until it stopped moving.
Afterwards I sat there for a long time waiting to hear his opinions. Listening for what felt like hours until finally I heard him.
A low rumble of approval.
Real approval!
My chest felt warm for hours even while I buried the dog in the forest.
But before I did… I wondered if he could see what I did. If he was watching everything.
So I said something out loud:
“I did it for you.”
The wind blew through the trees, but for a second I swore I heard him laugh.
Entry 46
I think I understand now!
People don’t like me… and that feeling will never change. But he doesn’t need to like me.
He just needs to respect me.
And respect has rules that transcends even the unspoken rules of the village that made every other member ignore him.
With strength came the dominance it produced.
Well something corny like that anyway…
So I’ll get stronger to do things that make him proud. Things that prove I’m not pathetic, even if no one else understands.
Entry 52
Something new happened.
When I spoke to him tonight he asked a question in return.
He never asks questions.
“What would you give for my approval?”
I didn’t even have to think.
“Anything in the world!”
The silence after that felt dangerously heavy. Then he broke through it with three words.
“Prove it vessel.”
I think he’s testing me, so that also means he cares, and him caring means I matter.
I won’t fail.
I won’t.
No matter what I have to do.
Entry 54
I have an idea.
Something big.
Something that will make him notice me for real. Something that will really make him proud. Even if the whole village hates me. Even if they all keep calling me a monster again and again for the rest of my life.
Because if he sees me…
Then I won’t be alone anymore.
Entry 55
Tomorrow I start.