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The train ride was silent. Not that comfortable and peaceful kind of drowsy silent, but a heavy, sorrow and tearful quietness that nothing could ever fill.
Memories from the past and just finished academic year flashing in his mind were like a stab in his chest. The smell of the party, the sea and his cologne clung to him as a ghost of what had been.
He closed his eyes, repeating to himself it would have been fine by dusk.
But it didn’t calm him down, the reminiscence of Oscar’s head tucked between his collar and jaw made his heart flutter and the pain irradiate, to the point he had to bite his bottom lip to hold back a sob. He felt so feather-light back then. Now it was just an aching memory of what could’ve been.
He was so fucking uselessly in love. He couldn’t decide whether to hit the send button to make him know he would’ve missed him. But he knew Oscar won’t. He will just go back to his normal life in Melbourne the exact moment the plane will land there.
Lando sighed, opening his eyes. The orange morning light hit his face, reflecting bright colors from his blueish green irides. He looked at the view, lands of countryside were running fast all around him.
The light reminded him of the morning they went to the Seven Sisters, to have a picnic, to chat, to have fun, but their friends were just a background sound. It made his stomach churn.
How much feelings like these can a human heart take in before tearing apart? How many wounds can it survive? How much can you miss someone before it gets too much?
What happens then?
He dug his nails into his forearm, trying to ground himself. It wasn’t working. His heart was racing and aching, tears threatened to spill against his will.
He swore to himself three years ago he wouldn’t have let anyone into his heart like that again, that he wouldn’t have felt that way again. And this time was even worse than how it felt when Carlos introduced them his girlfriend (now future wife). It felt painful back then, but now it felt unbearable, suffocating.
Oscar’s departure left him wrecked in a way he didn’t believe could ever be fixed.
But it was completely his fault, he poisoned himself again with something he was terrified just to whisper under his breath, as if saying it out loud, just pronouncing it, cold physically hurt him, as if that word itself could shatter whatever life he built keeping his darkest secret to himself. Love. It was something so wrong to him.
It was the reason why his dad wouldn’t look him in his face anymore, it was why his mother told him not to come home ever again, the reason they kicked him out.
He never understood why this should have to be so wrong: did the gender of who he fell for really mattered so much?
An airplane flew over his train, he couldn’t help but stare at it asking himself where Oscar could be now, if it was there, watching over his train thinking about the same question.
The orange now was touching everything around him, igniting it with morning light.
He needed to hear him say he’s been waiting to see him again, to see that orange sparkles dancing in his eyes once again. But Oscar was gone, probably already boarding, already forgetting about their time together.
Whenever he closed his eyes he saw them dancing in the night. But the orange peeking at his eyelids was telling him he was gone.
His stop came fast. Just an heartbeat before he could step out of his train, his smartphone vibrated with a notification.
He stepped into the orange light, reading it lazily.
His heart stopped. “Bye Lando, it’s been one of the best nights in my life, the party was amazing, you were.”
The tears fell down his cheeks like traitors forsaking his will.
He got to sleep, a restless and painful sleep. He woke up in the afternoon with a throbbing headache and a singing feeling from the too many dry tears all over his cheeks and neck.
Max, his roomie, was watching some Netflix series on the couch. He walked past the living room, going straight to the kitchen, that was basically just a corner of the same room occupied with stove, cabinets, a fridge and a counter where they ate most of their meals.
Max had a RedBull can in his hand from which he took some lazy sips.
«Wow Lando, I thought my hungover was shit but, hey, you look like you got hit by a truck!» he laughed «First time smoking? Did it hit bad?» he laughed again. Lando was pale, shaky, and had glassy eyes. He was a walking zombie. The only reason why he wasn’t crying again was because he probably had just no tears left.
«Can we- can you just not- I’m not in the mood Max…» he mumbled in a raspy voice.
Max paused the show mid episode.
«Wanna talk about it?» he asked carefully. He usually just pisses him off with jokes and annoy him by teasing him, even when it came to something serious… but that day felt different. The only time he saw his roomie like that was the day he relapsed on self harm.
«It’s - I just…» he tried, but a sob stopped him from finishing his sentence.
«Come here,» he made some room for him on the couch. Lando got there with a Monster in his hand, he needed some energy cause it felt like he was a breath away from dying right then and there.
«It’s Oscar…» he was fully crying again, scratching open some old wounds on his stomach.
Max hugged him «To him I’m just some casual boy he became friends with, to me he’s all I am, where the hell am I supposed to go?» he cried out brokenhearted.
He just screamed his lungs out in shattered sobs in his friend’s arms.
«You knew it, Lan… he came here just for the year abroad. He’s always been an exchange student. » it sounded harsh and a little rude with the tone he used, but Lando couldn’t say anything about it. He was right. This made Lando cry even harder.
He had no voice left.
After an hour of letting it all out, he was laying down on the couch, his head resting on Max’s shoulder. Max wasn’t really all that happy with the physical touch usually, but it was okay for today, it was one of his best friends, and needed him. It was irrational and irritating but he knew how much his depression could hit hard sometimes. He knew it all too well to leave him alone.
He was staring out of the window at the dusk, a little bitter smile curled on his lips.
«Something in this orange makes me feel like I’ll never see him again…» he whispered. He got up and headed to the bathroom, which scared the shit out of Max.
He pulls out his phone, calling Alex immediately.
«Alex, are you guys like walking zombies or can you get here at some point?» Alex yawned on the other side of the phone.
“Yeah, uhm… George and I are kinda alive… did something happen?”
«Lando is being a drama queen about Oscar, but not the usual way… he’s like, really really bad…» he whispered hoping his roommate wouldn’t hear it.
The sound of the running water from the shower relieved him.
“Yeah, let us shower, we’ll be there in half an hour or so…” he answered after a quick muffled chat with his roommate. «Okay, I order some pizza, see you later » he closed the call.
Max got up to knock at the bathroom door, but he was met with silence so he deliberately entered the restroom.
«Hey mate you good?» he kept his tone light, he didn’t want him to hear the worry behind those words.
«Yeah, I- is the dusk over? » he whimpered from the other side of the satin glass. Max didn’t look his way, even if he wouldn’t have seen anything.
«Yes, it’s over. Pizza tonight?»
Lando chuckled sadly «It’d be good…»
«Perfect! I’m leaving some clothes for you here.» he placed an oversized t-shirt and some shorts on the cabinet along with some boxers then he left.
After about twenty minutes there was a knock on the door. Alex and George got in with some konbini bags filled with sweets, chocolate and Monster cans, some RedBull ones too, for Max. Lando walked out of the bathroom with damp hair and a towel in his hands, drying them haphazardly. «Oh, hi guys,» he tried to say, but his voice was mostly empty air and raspy whispers. They got to hug him tightly. It made him flinch. They all knew why, so they made no reaction, silently agreeing they would talk about it later.
The food delivery came about ten minutes later.
They made him laugh and feel better, the sorrow and weight on his chest lessened a bit. He could finally breathe again. They were playing video games and eating some snacks when someone knocked at the door.
From the fact they all had the same questioning look on their face, it was clear it wasn’t something planned, they weren’t waiting anybody else.
Lando got up and opened the door.
«Lan, are you okay?» but Lando just bursted out crying «I can’t- go! Go back to your fucking Australia! Stop coming here just to leave me and fucking hurt me again!» but Oscar just hugged him tightly even when he punched his chest and tried to push him away.
«I’m not here to leave, I’m here to stay. » he whispered against his soft curls.
The latter just cried in the crook of his neck, nudging closer.
«But you’ll leave in the end…»
«No, can we talk?» he let him in, still not letting go, scared he might fade like a fantasy in the green flash.
«I called my mum in the airport, I explained her I really wanted to study here… I’m not gonna leave you… I’m staying »
Lando hugged him so tightly he thought he might have broken some of his ribs. They stayed like that all the night, even while playing video games Lando was sitting on his lap, and Oscar didn’t miss the chance to rest his hands over his waist.
It wasn’t perfect, Lando would’ve still had a long way to heal, but there, knowing he’ll stay, he knew for sure it will be easier.