Chapter Text
I had messed up. I knew I had the moment I was left alone. My master was always clear with his instructions but sometimes I would drift so far away I couldn’t hear anymore. He must have said something and I did not respond. I shivered in anticipation.
“Get dressed.”
I put the stained white smock on and walked toward him. I hadn’t been covered in months. It went down to my ankles and my wrists, I was completely sheltered. It felt odd. I picked at a scab on my hand to distract from my building anxiety. He motioned for me to get in the car. Since I had arrived a few years ago, I had not left.
I never knew my parents. I had been sold from person to person since I was a child. My early years I had no memories of. I wondered sometimes what happened during then, but deep down I know it’s best to let the past stay hidden. When the car stopped my master motioned for me to follow him. I kept my eyes downcast as we entered a massive mansion. There was a row of boys lined up in the foyer. Some were dressed very well, others were naked, some were in basic smocks like me. Once I was placed at the end of the line I looked down. I had no idea what was going on. I could feel my heart beat steadily increase as the seconds ticked by. My master was often indifferent to my presence, but this felt new, like I wasn’t even there. He joined a group of men at the bar. They welcomed him and started to chat casually. Men started to walk up and down the line. They talked about us like we were meat, or perhaps, show dogs. They commented on various things like posture, ugly legs, missing teeth… I tried not to cry. I just wanted to lay down and sleep. Maybe I wouldn’t wake up…
“Did you hear me?”
My eyes snapped up. I wasn’t prepared for the face looking back at me. He was… beautiful. The most gorgeous person I had ever seen. Intense blue eyes, yet soft at the edges, almost feminine. Light brown hair, blonde at the tips, luscious curls. His teeth were white and his smile was full of mischief. His energy was golden, bright, strong. He was in a black v neck shirt, which highlighted his sparse chest hair. A crucifix hung over his clavicle like a kiss. He smelled like tea tree oil and something softer like… laundry detergent. I felt my throat go dry.
“I’m sorry, no.”
I hadn’t heard him and I knew I’d be punished if I lied.
“What’s your name?”
His accent was so thick. I knew what he said but I had to process it. I hadn’t heard a voice like that before.
“Shane.”
“Shane.”
He rolled my name in his mouth and smiled at me. I felt warmth spread in my tummy that I couldn’t recall ever feeling before. I looked down as I felt myself start to sweat behind my neck. I couldn’t get my breathing under control. Fingertips were suddenly on my cheek, right where I knew my freckles were. I felt myself blush. Master hated my freckles. He had made an appointment for them to be removed. It was next week. I wondered if whatever happened tonight would change that.
“I’m not going to let anyone touch you ok?”
I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. I didn’t even know what this was, what was happening. I quickly realized the line of boys I was in didn’t exist anymore. Some people were on couches, others being led to bedrooms, some people had already started getting physical. Across the room I saw my master. He was touching a boy a few years younger than me. He was white, blonde, much smaller than me, much prettier than me. I sighed, knowing I was brought here to be sold or exchanged. If that was going to happen I wanted it to be to the man in front of me. Please, please, please.
“Shane, hey, easy… what do you need?”
Was I saying please out loud? I shook my head and tried to form words. Nothing came out but a soft wheeze.
“Follow me.”
He took my hand and lead me down a dimly lit hallway bathed in blue. Some of the doors were open. One room had a glass wall and chairs for people to watch. The man didn’t look right or left but kept his head straight. I just followed. His hand was much larger than mine and incredibly soft. I could feel the callouses on his palm underneath his velvety skin. I squeezed his hand without thinking and he squeezed back. I felt blood rush to my cheeks. He led me into a room with a black door. The room didn’t have anything unusual in it. There was a bed, table, and small bathroom attached.
“Sit.”
I sat on the bed and he pulled up a chair to sit across from me.
“I’m going to ask you some questions. There is no wrong answers. I just want you to be honest. Can you do that for me Shane?”
I gulped. He had said my name more in three minutes than I had heard it muttered throughout my entire life. I didn’t know if he wanted me to make eye contact. It was always so hard for me, but master often demanded it. I looked at the man and tried to be brave.
“Yes.”
His eyes softened and he looked away almost in sympathy. His gaze was so gentle before he turned his head. As if he didn’t want to frighten a wounded horse. This allowed me to look down again. Once my eyes dropped, I could feel his attention return to me.
“Do you belong to Saxon Eckhart?”
I had never heard his full name before but I knew his name was Saxon. Not that I ever said it.
“Yes.”
“How long have you been his?”
“I don’t know. A few years, I think.”
“How old are you?”
I could feel tears start to bead at my lashes without my consent. What did I ever get to choose anyway?
“I’m not sure.”
The man sat next to me on the bed and put his hand on my back.
“That’s ok.”
I had lost so much. Age, time, it didn’t really exist.
“Do you know when your birthday is?”
In truth I had never celebrated my birthday. Which was fine because I didn’t know when it was.
“No.”
A tear fell down my cheek. The man continued to rub soothing circles on my back. It would probably feel nice if the cuts and bruises weren’t so fresh. I couldn’t help it, I finally winced.
“What was that?”
“It’s nothing.”
I scooted away from him and adjusted the smock.
“I assume you know you’re for sale. That is the point of this… night. This gathering.”
I just nodded.
“Would you like me to buy you Shane?”
I couldn’t help it, I fell to my knees in front of him.
“Yes, sir.”
He laced his fingers through my hair and started to rub my jaw. I could feel myself relaxing under his touch. His breath ghosted on my ear.
“Show me what I’m going to buy.”
A tingle ran up my spine. He was motioning to the garment draped over me. I knew my body was bad right now. Master had been aggressive with punishments as of late. I suspected he was angry with my body for starting to grow. I knew he kept me malnourished so I wouldn’t start to look like a man. It seemed enough time had gone by that even starving me wasn’t changing the fact that I was getting older. It’s true, I didn’t know my age, but I knew I wasn’t a child anymore, surely enough time had gone by. Had it? With my age, a growing numbness settled in my bones. I always submitted. I never talked back. I constantly tried my best. It wasn’t enough anymore. I had to be enough for this man. I had to. With one last deep breathe I removed the soft dirty shield. The man gasped quietly. You’d miss the sound if the room wasn’t already so eerily quiet.
“Jesus Christ.”
I was swaying side to side. I felt myself, for the first time tonight, drift far far away from the attractive stranger. He sounded pained, probably dissatisfied with my body. I knew I was disgusting, had been told that for years. Suddenly, his hands were on my hands guiding me to lay on the bed. I knew my body was decorated in purples, blues, yellows, greens. Not to mention a few new and old lashes from the whip. He catalogued my body barely tracing his fingers all over me. It felt good. I could finally take a breath. In, out. He placed a pillow down by the headboard. I shut my eyes, not prepared to look at his facial expression.
“Lay on your back and open your legs.”
I listened without question. I could feel his eyes all over me. The bruises and cuts I knew were unattractive but the thing I was the most ashamed of was my eczema. It painted most of my body but was especially angry between my thighs. I assumed this was due to fluids that constantly leaked down. He wouldn’t want me. Who would? I was brought out of my thoughts by a gentle pull on my hole. I whimpered involuntarily. I was so raw, so swollen, I hoped I wasn’t bleeding. I closed my eyes and braced myself by digging my fingers into the sheets. My chest kept heaving, anticipating penetration.
“Oh Shane…”
The way he said my name made another tear slip past my lashes. He sounded so mournful, so apologetic. As if he was the one that hurt me. Don’t worry sir, I deserved it. Did I? Of course not, but the thoughts came anyway. Whore. Worthless. Disgusting. Ugly.
“Get dressed, stay here. I’ll be right back then we’re leaving.”
I only registered he was talking as he said “we’re leaving.” I went to stand but he was already shutting the door with me on the other side. I didn’t want to be alone but I also didn’t care about anything. I put the gown back on and sat on the edge of the bed. I picked at another scab on my leg just to feel something I was in control of. When the man returned he had a look on his face that scared me. Anger. I knew it well and it always brought hurt. Yes he was handsome, but he was still a man. Attractive men had hurt me all my life.
“It’s ok, shhhh, we’re going now, come on.”
I followed him even though my entire body was vibrating with fear. I hated Saxon but he was familiar. Who was this man? Was he worse? Better? The same? Even though his brow was drawn with aggression his hand still gripped mine softly, almost more gentle than before. Once he helped me into his car he didn’t say anything, he just rested a hand on my thigh. It felt reassuring. I didn’t know what type of car it was but it looked and smelled expensive. I started to fidget knowing how dirty I was. I couldn’t smell myself but I knew for a fact I didn’t smell like he did.
“I’m going to take care of you Shane, like you deserve.”
I didn’t know if that was true but I nodded eagerly, always eager.
“Thank you, master.”
“You can call me Ilya.”
The name was just as pretty as him. I had never had a master where I was supposed to address them by their first name. This would be difficult.
“Ilya…”
I tested the name a few times under my breath, practicing.
“It’s ok, I know it will be hard at first. You’ll never be punished.”
But if I’m not punished how do I know when I’ve done something wrong? I messed up so frequently, I needed punishment to understand boundaries. I felt my palms start to sweat. My teeth began to chatter.
“Shane… I’m not going to ever hurt you. Ok?”
I nodded unable to speak through the chemical haze in my brain. I had never been spoken to like this, ever. Without thinking I started to touch the hand on my thigh. He rotated it so his palm was offered and I laced my hand in his. My entire body got heavier. We sat in silence for a while. Maybe fifteen minutes.
“You are 19 years old. Your birthday is May 10th.”
Somehow finding that out didn’t make me feel better. What had I done with my life? Who had I impacted? What was my purpose? I guess it didn’t matter. Who cared? Who was I? Nothing.
“That’s in a few days.”
I hadn’t known what month, year, day it was my entire life. It felt good to know. I knew it was freshly spring, but that’s it. I didn’t know if he wanted me to respond but I didn’t know what to say.
“You’ll be 20. We can celebrate.”
I felt my hands get sweaty. One was still attached to him.
“How old are you?”
“23. My birthday is June 15.”
June 15. If I had access to a calendar, I would remember. If we’re celebrating my birthday that means I should try to do as much as I could to celebrate him. I didn’t know what that meant but I’d figure it out.
“Shane…”
I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at him. His eyes were switching from the road to my face.
“I know this is a big change, all of this is I’m sure very… difficult. But you’re safe now, ok?”
Safe? I just nodded, not really knowing what he meant. A few more minutes went by.
“If you have questions or want to talk about anything else. You can ask me anything.”
Another long stretch of silence wrapped around us. I took a deep breath, trying to summon the courage from inside my throat.
“Ilya?”
It felt good to test the name on my lips. It felt dangerously close to lover. Ilya nodded kindly.
“When we get home can I sleep for a bit?”
Asking made me shiver but I was trying to please him. He wanted me to ask for what I wanted… I think.
“Of course, malysh. You need to heal, to rest. I’ll help you bathe, you’ll eat, then you’ll sleep.”
I laid my head on my hand and tried to calm the nausea bubbling in my throat. Bathe? Eat? Sleep? He was going to help? What did that even mean? Even though I was nervous, I had to admit, letting my body relax even for a second felt nice. I was already feeling better. My mouth felt vulnerable with new words. I didn’t know what tasted better on my lips; Ilya or home. I thought back to the only Russian word I had heard him say.
“What does malysh mean?”
Ilya smiled.
“Baby.”
I smiled. I had never been called that before. So many firsts at a time when I felt like I was quickly running out of new experiences.
“Do you have anyone else?”
The question was broad but necessary. I needed to know the dynamics of the house I was about to enter.
“Nope.”
His lip popped on the p. I pressed my lips to his neck without thinking too much about if that was ok or not. I sat back down embarrassed. Why did I do that? He squeezed my thigh trying to offer more reassurance.
“I live alone. Well, I do have a dog.”
I hadn’t interacted with animals much. I couldn’t stop myself from vomiting the next question.
“Did you know my master?”
How could I be so stupid. I knew asking so many questions was already rude but to refer to someone else as my master when I was his now…
“Hey Shane, you’re ok, hey…”
I looked down to see my hands violently shaking. I tried to open my mouth to apologize but I couldn’t speak. This happened sometimes. I had to show him how sorry I was. I reached for his pants to try to get my hand on him.
“Don’t…”
He put his hand over mine and put it back on my knee.
“I’m driving. Just try to relax.”
“I know Saxon from college. We are not friends. I’ve never been to an event like… that. But now I understand why I was pulled to go.”
“Pulled to go?”
“Some people were talking at work about it and I was invited. I’ve never seen something like that.”
It was my turn to smirk. Ilya had no idea. After a few more moments of silence I could only focus on how bad I had to pee.
“How close are we?
“About 30 minutes away.”
The rest of the car ride was quiet. In truth I had to pee so bad I was worried I was gonna wet myself. I started squirming to try to alleviate some pressure. A soft whine escaped me, no please…
“Shane?”
Ilya pulled over.
“No please keep driving…”
“Tell me what’s going on?”
His voice was so deep I had to respond. Everything in me told me to.
“Have to pee…”
There was a short pause before Ilya scoffed in amusement.
“Then go pee.”
I practically jumped out of the car and started to release all over the grass. When I was done the embarrassment went straight to my stomach. I threw up before getting back in the car. He offered me a tissue.
“Don’t feel like you can’t tell me things like that. You can tell me anything but especially stuff like that.”
I knew I was so bad at this. He was so nice and I was so fucking stupid. Maybe he wouldn’t want me after all. Maybe I could finally find a way to quietly end it. I hadn’t pondered that in a while, not truly, not with a plan. Ilya gave me hope. He was kind and would probably not be as vigilant as Saxon. I smiled realizing I might finally have a chance.