Chapter Text
7 months, 2 days, 18 hours since he had spoken to her. A running clock constantly ticking in the back of his mind no matter how much he prayed for it to stop. A ticking time bomb of a life lost and a new start he never wanted-never asked for.
“Happy Birthday, Belly”
Sitting on that train to Brussels, he was shell shocked. Exhausted but too stunned to sleep. What had he expected, exactly?
Not this.
Tears streamed down his face and he watched all the people passing through the aisle, silently wishing upon every star that ever pierced the sky that one of them would be her. Maybe she changed her mind. Maybe she wanted him after all. Maybe, just this once, he could have everything he wanted.
But she didn’t, and he couldn't.
Brussels had been a blur. He was a zombie shifting between meeting halls and his hotel room, burying himself beneath the heavy duvet of a bed that felt too big, The empty space at his side taunted him with what-if’s and could-have-been’s. The last night he folded himself on to the couch and found solace in his inability to toss and turn.
Going home to California felt like a humiliation ritual that he could only blame himself for. Telling Jeremiah that he was going to Paris had felt like the right move at the time, but once he was home he wondered if there was a way to go back in time and take that phone call back.
A text from Jere asking how things went with Belly made him want to crawl into a hole. And apparently news had traveled from Jeremiah to Steven who also sent a text asking for a Paris update. Laurel called two days after he got home and he wasn’t sure if she’d found out about his grand gesture from Steven or Belly herself, but the pitying tone to her voice hinted at the latter.
“You can’t beat yourself up for trying, Connie”
Couldn’t he though?
Exactly one week after he’d gotten home, he got another text, but this one had been more unexpected.
Taylor: You showing up was a good thing
Conrad: Really? Because it feels like the worst thing I could have done
Taylor: She’s just scared, Con
He hadn’t replied-didn’t know what to say. He knew she was scared, but he’d been scared too. Every second of his flight to Paris, he’d been scared. Walking up to her on the street, he’d been scared. Asking her to dance, he’d been scared. But he did it all anyway, because he’d told himself being scared had gotten him nowhere and it was time to do something about it.
Now he was pretty certain that being brave was extremely fucking overrated.
___
It was almost 1am in Palo Alto when her text came through.
Belly: I’m coming to SF next week to visit Steven and Taylor. Want to get dinner?
Seeing her name on his phone screen had his heart hammering in his chest. He already knew his answer. He could never say no to her.
___
She’d been in California for four days. It was like he felt her arrival in his bones, and every second since, his blood was practically vibrating through his veins knowing she was only a 45 minute drive away. They’d agreed to get dinner the next to last night of her trip since Steven and Taylor had some work dinner they’d already committed to. He still hadn’t heard her voice. All their correspondence had been via text and even that had been sparse. Just enough to set plans and then make sure the plans still worked the day before. They agreed to meet at a seafood place in SF and he’d changed his shirt four times before leaving his house, each option feeling either too casual or too much. When his phone alarm went off, warning he had five minutes until he needed to leave, he hastily threw on the black button down before tucking it into charcoal pants and rolling the cuffs to his elbows.
The drive to the restaurant was silent, his anxiety too heightened to withstand even background music. He texted her once he parked, saying he was walking over and would be a few minutes. When she replied that she’d just gotten there and would be at the bar he felt like he may throw up.
Walking in, he bypassed the hostess stand and headed toward the bar. He spotted her almost immediately. Her hair was longer than the last time he’d seen her, flowing down her back in dark waves. Her shoulders were bare except for two thin emerald straps on her shoulders. He stopped in place, breath catching as his brain caught up with the reality that she was right there-less than 10 feet away. An older man pushed past, knocking him back to reality and he took a deep breath before putting on a mask of cool, calm and collected.
Once he was just two steps away, she twisted on the bar stool and met his eyes. It was the moment he’d been imagining since she texted him, but still it felt surreal. She was stunning, but that was no surprise. Her lips turned up just enough to qualify as a smile, but it wasn’t the toothy, joyful grin he’d been aching for. He pressed his lips together in return, a tight and awkward smile to match hers, and she stood up, grabbing a martini glass from the bar top.
“Hi. It’s um…it’s good to see you, Conrad”
She sounded unsure. She talked to him like they were acquaintances and it hurt in a way he hadn’t expected.
“Yeah…good to see you. I think uh…our table should be ready. I made a reservation…you know, just in case”
She nodded, moving closer and waiting for him to guide them back to the hostess stand.
Once they were seated, he quickly ordered a bourbon rocks and Belly got another martini. They made small talk until their food arrived- Conrad’s work and her classes, how Laurel and John had been, how Steven and Taylor were settling in. It was all very cordial and boring and he found himself wondering if this had been a mistake. Part of him had assumed when he left her apartment in Paris that that would be the last time he ever saw her, and even though that had broken his heart, he was starting to think maybe that would have been best. Maybe they had hurt each other too much to be anything more than people who used to know each other. Strangers.
“Why’d you ask me to get dinner, Belly?”
She looked up from her drink with her brows furrowed and eyes narrowed.
“What…what do you mean?”
“I mean…it just seems like you don’t have a lot to say. I mean, we’ve covered our families and the weather, work and school. It’s all been very standard small talk”
“Okay…and what’s wrong with that?”
He laughed, dry and distanced, shaking his head just barely.
“Sure...that’s fine. I can do that if that’s what you want”
“Did you not…want to see me? You could have just said…”
“You know I wanted to see you, Belly. You know I will always want to see you. But this feels like something you’re doing because someone told you you should”
“My mom is not the reason I texted you”
“Okay, so then why did you text me? Why reach out after all this time? After…after how we left things”
She sighed, tipping her glass back and emptying the rest of her martini. He could practically see the way her brain was working through the options of how to respond before she finally opened her mouth.
“I mean, I was coming to where you live, Conrad. It would have been…weird…if I didn’t reach out. Right?”
“And this isn’t weird? Sitting here talking like we’re on a shitty first date?”
She rolled her eyes and he settled back against his chair, following her lead and finishing off his drink.
“What do you want from me, Conrad? What do you want this to be?”
“I want to feel like we still know each other”
She nodded, crossing her arms over her chest and pulling her lips to the side like she was pondering something.
“Okay…so let’s stop acting like strangers. Let’s…how about we pretend none of the shitty stuff happened and we’re just happy and unburdened again? Like when we were teenagers. Except…now we can drink. Legally, I mean”
He gave her a look like she was crazy before running a hand through his hair.
“What do you mean? I’m not…following”
She leaned forward, her elbows on the table and hands on the sides of her face. A grin spread across her face. The grin he’d hoped to see an hour ago when he first got there.
“No prom, no funeral, no engagement or fucking wedding, no….no Paris. Just the good stuff from before. Just me and you. Just for tonight”
It was a terrible idea. He knew it would only complicate things further in the long run. But, in the short term, it meant he could have one more night with her. Really with her.
He motioned their waiter for the check, then met her eyes again.
“Okay, deal”
Just for tonight, let's go hangover chasing
And I'll talk your ear off about why it's safe
As I fumble my words and fall flat on my face through the truth
Just say the word and we'll take up the test
Where we flirt with the bad ones and skip all the rest
But we see out the night with your head on my chest, me and you
They were barely out of the restaurant before her hand found his, fingers laced together, and he realized she was totally serious. He wasn’t sure how to force himself to shift into that long forgotten version of himself, but once she pulled him along the sidewalk and pressed her side closer to his he thought it might not be totally impossible.
She found a little dive bar that he’d never noticed or heard of and he went to the bar to get them each a beer while she settled into a booth in the back corner. When he walked over and went to sit across from her she gave him a worried look until he asked what was wrong. She patted the seat next to her and he remembered the way they used to sit as close to each other as possible all those years ago, craving any bit of connection they could get.
He slid into the booth, and she pulled him closer before taking a drink of her beer.
“Alright, so no more small talk…tell me the real stuff now. Like…what other med school nerds do you hate? What’s your late night drunk meal of choice? Pretend I’m Agnes or something”
“Belly, I’m not gonna pretend you’re Agnes”
“Okay okay, maybe that was a bad idea. Fine. Then just pretend I’m Belly”
“You are Belly”
“Yeah, but pretend I’m the Belly you told all your secrets to”
He looked at her then. Really looked at her. That version of her was still there. His secret keeper. His friend. The girl he’d always loved. Underneath all the layers of grief and fear and self preservation. So, he talked. He talked about everything.
He told her about Robert, one of the other guys working for Dr. Namazy who was constantly trying to one-up Conrad at clinic and how he’d secretly gone home and celebrated the day Rob got chewed out in front of everyone for consistently being behind on his charting.
He told her about the nights Agnes drug him out to bars and lovingly peer pressured him into drinking too much and how on very rare occasions she’d talked him into doing karaoke with her. He’d sung The Sweater Song by Weezer the first time, and the second he’d done a duet with Agnes to Picture by Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock. Belly laughed until she cried, then begged him to sing a little bit of it just for her. He got one line in before he was also crying laughing, their heads tilted together and her hand on his thigh.
He complained about his long hours and lack of sleep and admitted to a brief reliance on 5 hour energy shots even though he knew how awful they were for him. Belly told him he officially never got to give her shit about high fructose corn syrup or red 40 and he refused to agree to those terms.
She told him about a night out with Celine where she talked Belly into joining her in flashing a group of guys who were celebrating a bachelor party (or an enterrement de vie de garcon as Belly first called it and which Conrad had her repeat multiple times because he loved the way she sounded saying the words).
She went on a rant about how anytime she was at a get together where Benito was also there, he tried to act like they were still together and when she called him on it he played dumb and blamed it on his European charm.
She talked about how badly she missed the beach and when Conrad asked if she’d been to any beaches in France she said yes, but that it wasn’t the same. He told her that’s how he felt about California beaches too.
They reminisced summers in Cousins and lazy days at the beach house and Belly just laughed when she talked about how much of a crush she’d always had on him growing up and he teased her relentlessly while wrapping an arm around her shoulder and then moving it down to wrap around her waist.
They avoided all the bad stuff. The fights on the beach, losing Susannah, him pushing her away, her pushing him away, the wedding that almost happened, the way everything blew up and changed everything and everyone. He knew it wasn’t real, but it felt easy and for once he decided to let it be just that.
“One more?” he asked, motioning toward the bar. It was close to 11 and they’d had a few rounds already. He felt tipsy in that fun, hazy way that came before he started to slur his words or stumble over his feet. He didn’t want to get to that point, but he also didn’t want the night to end. The night ending meant going back to reality, and he wasn’t ready. Not yet.
She tilted her head and looked up at him. They’d been touching non-stop since leaving the restaurant, but he didn’t know how real she wanted this past versions of them thing to be. He was afraid to push too far.
Her eyes were soft and adoring and he couldn’t look away-wouldn’t want to even if he could. Gently he pulled her closer to his chest, then moved one hand up to brush a thumb along her cheek. She smiled and tilted her chin just enough to give him the courage he needed. His head dipped the few inches needed to close the distance and when their lips met, he felt it all through his body. It was like a missing piece slipping back into place. She kissed him back like she’d been waiting for it just as long as he had and the feeling of her tongue along his bottom lip made him feel like the luckiest man alive to get to experience it, even if that was the last time.
When she pulled back he tried to catch his breath and she placed her hand over his heart, feeling the steady beat. Her eyes looked glassy and wide and he put his hand over hers.
“Come back to my room with me”
For a split second, his mind flashed back to Paris. “Come home with me”. He remembered the hope those words had given him, then the devastation that followed. He hesitated for a minute and she looked down, like she was embarrassed that she’d asked him.
“Belly…I want to…but I don’t know that Steven would be very approving when he realized I was at his place with you..”
“Oh…um, I’m not staying there. I got a hotel. I just…I didn’t want to crowd them”
He knew Steven and Taylor’s place was big. Plenty big enough for Belly to stay in their guest room and have enough space to not bother them. He wondered briefly if she’d planned this all along. The truth was, he didn’t care if she had.
“Okay. Yeah, we can go to your room”
A smile split her face and she pushed up just enough to give him a quick peck on the lips before scooting her hips into his and motioning for him to stand.
___
Walking into Belly’s hotel room, he wondered if it would be better to end their night of pretend right then and save himself the inevitable pain of things going further. It was a useless thought. He’d follow her anywhere, even if it meant more heartache. Even when he knew it meant more heartache.
She was knelt down by the minibar, pulling a sparkling water out before glancing up at him.
“Want anything? There’s some snobby local craft beer in here…I know how much you love those”
He laughed, but waved a hand her way before saying “Nah, I’m good right now”.
Sitting on the loveseat to the side of the bed, he fiddled with his hands and looked around the room. Her suitcase was on the floor, laid open and overflowing with clothes. Shoes were scattered across the carpet in a way that made him picture her walking in and toeing them off, letting them fall where they may. A laptop sat on one bedside table and a pair of glasses sat on top of that.
It was all so quintessentially Belly. It took him right back to the first days after she, Steven and Laurel would arrive to Cousins when he’d step into her bedroom and find pure chaos of items half unpacked. He had always craved order, but there was something about Isabel Conklin’s chaos that made him feel right at home.
“Looks like you’ve really made this place home” he said with a tinge of sarcasm to his voice. She walked over, sitting down next to him and smiling.
“Yes Conrad. I know it must drive you crazy to see that I never hung my clothes or put them into drawers…”
“Hey, to each their own. And honestly, I would’ve been more shocked if I came in and saw everything in its perfect place. I’d be afraid you’d been…body snatched or something”
She laughed, leaning closer into his side. He moved one arm to the back of the loveseat, letting her slot into the space under his arm.
“So now what?”
Her voice sounded small and when he looked down, she wasn’t looking at him.
“What do you mean?”
“What do we do now?”
“This was your idea, Belly. You’re in control”
She glanced up at him then and the expression on her face was equal parts worry and hope.
“I thought about you, you know. I mean…I just don’t want you to think you left that morning and I just…forgot everything. Forgot you”
He wasn’t sure what to say, wasn’t sure where this conversation was going or if he wanted to go there. He just nodded and waited for her to go on.
“I almost ran after you”
“Why didn’t you?”
She hesitated, pressing her head against his shoulder and sighing.
“It felt too complicated. Feels too complicated”
“It doesn’t have to be”
“5,000 miles? How could it not be, Conrad?”
“It wouldn’t be forever, though”
“Yeah, but it is now. And that’s what counts”
They sat in silence for a few minutes, his thumb pressing gentle circles against her arm.
“But right now it’s zero miles. So we should just focus on that. Right?”
“Sure, Belly. Whatever you want”
She sat up straighter, turning so she could look right at him. She looked nervous and all he wanted to do was make her feel okay. Slowly, he leaned forward and pressed his lips back to hers. She hummed against his mouth, moving one hand to cup his jaw while she opened her lips to him. Neither of them were in a hurry. The kiss was soft and slow, with no promise of leading anywhere else. When she pulled away she was smiling. He reached his hand out and ran a thumb along her bottom lip and smiled at the way she scrunched her eyes closed and grinned.
“Did you think about me?”
“Yes. All the time”
“Give me an example”
He huffed out a laugh, unsurprised that she was turning this into a quiz.
“I don’t know, Belly…when I…went to some fair with Agnes and thought about buying a caramel apple even though I hate them, because it made me feel closer to you. Or when we did a trick or treat thing at the hospital and a little kid dressed as Ariel walked by holding a pack of Sour Patch Kids she’d already opened. And…every time I see the ocean I think of you. Every time I hear the waves. Fuck, every time I even think about the ocean or read about it or hear someone talk about it, I think of you”
Her eyes were wet, threatening to break with a dam of tears she was trying so hard to hold back. He worried he’d gotten too real, too serious. But she smiled, bright and wide, and reached up to slip her hand into his hair.
“Thank you”
“For what?”
“For telling me that. I…it made me happy. Makes me happy”
“I’m glad”
She kissed his cheek, then moved her mouth to his jaw, then his throat. He took a deep breath, sinking into the loveseat a little lower and allowing himself to memorize the feel of her lips on his skin.
“Were there any…other times you thought about me?”
Her hand was moving up his thigh inch by inch and the combination of that and her mouth had him shuddering.
“What are you asking me?”
“I think you know…”
“I’ll answer any question you ask, Isabel. But you have to ask properly”
Her hand moved up and her fingers traced the line of his zipper, back and forth until his hips pushed into the touch.
“Did you ever make yourself come thinking of me, Conrad?”
“Yes”
He didn’t hesitate. There was no use.
“Mmmm I thought about you too. All the time”
His fingers wrapped around her wrist, stopping her movements. He brought her hand to his mouth, kissing each fingertip and savoring the way she gasped each time his tongue swept over the pads of her fingers.
“Is that right? And did it feel good? Thinking about me with your fingers buried inside yourself?”
She whined, then moved her legs over him so that she was straddling his waist and sitting in his lap.
“Yes, Connie. It felt so good”
Right when she leaned forward to capture his mouth, he reached up and pressed his hand to her chest, keeping her inches away.
“Why don’t you show me? I’d like that, baby”
He’d expected her to balk at the idea, or hesitate at least. But she didn’t. She crawled out of his lap and walked to the bed, stopping to reach beneath her dress and shimmy her panties down her legs before crawling on top of the covers. Conrad started to stand but she held her hand out.
“No. Stay there and watch. I’ll tell you when you’re allowed to touch me”
He sat back down, swallowing the lump in his throat, and watched her hike her dress up and over her hips. When she spread her legs, he had to bite his lip to keep from moaning at the sight of her. She was the prettiest shade of pink and dripping wet. Her hand moved down the front of her dress and when her finger finally dipped inside her pussy, he groaned and pressed one palm against the bulge in his pants.
She touched herself, slowly at first, delicate touches along her slit before she sank two fingers back inside. She was panting and rolling her hips, pressing her fingers deeper and deeper and Conrad cursed his own eyes for needing to blink and making him miss even a split second. He’d dreamed about this…her touching herself. It was something he thought would only exist in his fantasies. But there she was, spread open and on display for him. It was everything he’d imagined and more and he was certain that there wouldn’t be a day that would go by for the rest of his life when he didn’t think about how she looked.
Her movements quickened, fingers circling her clit like she was desperate for release. Conrad was possibly harder than he’d ever been and the dull ache of his pants and boxer briefs pressing against him was almost unbearable.
“Slow down, Belly”
She whined, bucking her hips up but slowing her hand.
“Don’t you want me to come, Conrad?”
He palmed himself through his pants before pulling his hand back, afraid he’d come before ever getting to touch her.
“I promise you’ll get to come, sweetheart. Can I come closer so I can watch?”
She nodded, lazily thrusting her fingers in and out of her pussy. The sound of it was ringing in his ears and he’d never loved anything more.
He moved to the end of the bed, sitting on the mattress and reaching his hand toward her thigh, stopping just a few inches away and looking at her for permission. She nodded again and his palm wrapped around her thigh. The contact took his breath away and she moaned, opening her legs wider.
“Make yourself come, Belly. Let me see you”
Her middle and ring fingers started moving faster and deeper, while her thumb circled her clit. She was writhing into the touch, completely unrestrained. He watched her fingers disappear into her pussy, slick with her own arousal and glistening. As much as he wanted to touch her himself, he wanted to watch her fall apart around her own hand even more.
“Oh fuck, I’m close. Gonna come, Con”
His lips were parted, mouth wet and aching to taste her.
“Come on, baby. Wanna see you”
Once then twice more her fingers thrust inside before she was falling apart. Her back arched off the bed and her eyes closed. Her legs shook before falling flat against the mattress and she stayed with her fingers buried deep until Conrad moved to her side, the mattress dipping beneath his weight.
When she started to slip her fingers out, he reached down and circled her wrist, guiding her hand up to his mouth where he wrapped his lips around the two fingers that were covered in her release.
She watched him, shivering at his touch, then pulled him down so he was lying on his side next to her.
“Did you like that?”
He couldn’t help but laugh. As if there was any reality where that wasn’t the single greatest thing he’d ever witnessed.
“Belly…there’s not a word in the English language for how much I loved that”
She giggled, turning toward him and burying her face in his chest. When she pulled back and looked up, her cheeks were flushed and her mouth was swollen. She looked beautiful. He kissed her and ran one hand down her body until he stopped between her legs. She closed her thighs around his hand and gasped when he pressed one finger against her clit.
“Not yet…I just…I want to make it last. I don’t…I’m not ready for it to end”
He nodded, understanding what she meant, and moved his hand back up to rest at her hip.
“Connie…do you ever think about what it would be like if I were here? Like…lived here?”
“Yeah, of course I do”
She hummed in agreement and he asked “what do you think it’d be like? Like…best case scenario”
She laughed at that, reaching down to intertwine their fingers.
“I imagine we’d find some little place near the water to live. You’d give me a hard time about leaving towels on the bathroom floor and I’d tell you that it’ll all be okay if the dishwasher leaves a few water spots on the glasses. We would walk on the beach at night after you get done with clinic and I’m home from class and I’d teach you to cook stuff that isn’t grilled chicken. We’d probably help each other study and…fuck a lot in between studying…”
He laughed, squeezing her hand and leaning over to press a kiss against her forehead.
“...Steven and Taylor would make us go out with them to weird, trendy bars and restaurants and we’d whisper about how much we hated it when they weren’t looking. Maybe we’d get a dog. Something small…a little dachshund maybe…named Beatrice. And you’d love her. Oh my god, Conrad, you’d become obsessed with her and I’d be jealous so then we’d get a fuzzy little cat”
“And what’s the cats name?”
“Hmmmm…. I think he’d be a boy and he’d be named something nerdy. Obviously I picked the name Beatrice so I’d have to let you pick the cat’s name”
“Nerdy, huh? How about…Gimli?”
She laughed and rolled her eyes and he winked at her, making her laugh even more.
“Okay sure…so we get Gimli and he and Beatrice are best friends like right away and we go on family walks together around our neighborhood…”
“We take the cat for walks? Belly, I don’t…”
“Yes. We get a stroller for Gimli. We don’t want to leave him out!”
“And I’m to assume I’m the one pushing the cat in the stroller?”
“Obviously. Okay…stop interrupting me, now!”
“Okay okay…no more questions. Got it”
“We play trivia with Agnes and some of your other med school friends and we all talk shit about Rob and Agnes and I work together to give you the hardest time possible…but you love it. Mom comes to visit and you take her to all the museums you love so you all can geek out together. Maybe everyone comes here for Christmas. My parents, Adam, Jere…we eat lobster instead of turkey or ham or whatever and everyone talks about how nice it is to celebrate Christmas somewhere so warm, but we all secretly miss the snow. I pack your lunches and you buy me pop-tarts even though they disgust you. We watch old movies and fall asleep on the couch. We wake up together every morning…”
Her voice trailed off at the end and he felt his chest clench.
“That sounds nice. All of it”
“Mhmm…it’s just fantasy though”
“Belly…it doesn’t have to be just…”
She sat up before he could finish, then looked at him and wiggled her eyebrows.
“Okay, your turn!”
“What…what do you mean? You wanna know what I think it would be like if you lived here?”
Her hands moved to his belt and she started unbuckling it before speaking.
“No. Your turn to come, Conrad”
“Belly...you don’t have to. We can just keep talking”
She had gotten his belt undone and the button of his pants open and was pulling the zipper down. He was still hard and the friction of her hand made his hips buck up without meaning to.
“I want to. Please. We can talk again in a minute. I really need to taste you first though”
He relaxed into her touch, reaching for the waistband of his pants and boxers to slide them down. She helped pull them all the way off while he unbuttoned his shirt, shrugging it from his shoulders and propping up on his elbows to watch her.
Belly’s hand wrapped around his cock and her head dipped down to take the head into her mouth. The feel of her lips had his heart hammering in his chest and his eyes glued to hers. She kept eye contact while taking him deeper, inch by inch until he hit the back of her throat. It felt somehow even better than he remembered and when she started bobbing her head, his head fell back and his eyes closed.
Her hand cupped his balls while she moved her mouth over his length, getting him right to the edge before slowing down and pulling away.
“Fuck, baby…you’re driving me insane”
“I know. Don’t you like it?” she grinned up at him, clearly proud of herself.
He nodded, his lips parted and breathing heavy.
“Are you gonna come for me, Con?” she asked while stroking him slowly, darting her tongue out to slide over his tip every few strokes.
“Yes. Oh my God, that feels…fuck that feels good”
“You wanna come in my mouth, baby?”
“Oh fuck…yeah…yes…but I’d rather come inside you”
“Mmmm…don’t worry. You can do that later. Right now I want you to come down my throat. I want you to watch me swallow every drop. Okay?”
Belly’s hand and mouth were streaked with pre-cum and just the thought of coming in her mouth had him throbbing.
“Okay. Yeah baby. Whatever you want”
She took him back into her mouth as deep as she could, then hollowed her cheeks as she pulled back. His hand was buried in her hair and he pulled just slightly, making her moan around his cock. She opened her throat and he felt the way her drool was dripping down his shaft while he fucked into her mouth, losing more and more control every thrust.
“Belly…oh my god. Mmm I’m…I’m gonna…oh fuck I’m about to come, honey”
She took him deeper, humming as he started to come. She swallowed, then pulled back a little, letting some of his come land on her tongue. Pulling her mouth off of him, she stayed where she was and licked at the slit of his cock, getting every drop while she continued stroking him.
He reached for her hand, pulling it away and she watched the way he blinked slowly like he was settling back into himself. She moved back up the bed, resting her head on his bare chest while his hand lazily trailed up and down her spine.
“That was…”
“Good?”
“Good doesn’t begin to cover it. Fuck. You’re…really good at that”
Her smile pressed against his skin and he pulled her closer, leaning down to kiss the top of her head.
“I love you. You know that, right? I just…I need to make sure you always know that, Belly”
“Wow…guess it really was a great blow job, huh?”
“I’m serious”
She looked up, meeting his eyes. He could feel tears threatening to fall, but didn’t dare look away from her.
“I love you too, Conrad”
“What if I…maybe I could move to Paris. I could…”
“Conrad…no. You’ve worked too hard to give all this up and…”
“But it’s my choice. I could choose to come there…to be with you”
“Well I’d be mad at you if you did. I don’t…we can’t give anything up for each other”
“What if I want you more than I want to stay here? What if it’s worth it to me?”
She rolled on to her back and away from him, staring up at the ceiling.
“You’re not thinking straight. You may think that’s what you want right now, but what about a year from now? It wouldn’t…we’d just hurt each other again. It’s…better this way”
“It doesn’t feel better, Belly. It feels…it's fucking torture. Knowing you’re out there. Knowing I’ve found the person I want to spend my life with but just…can’t. It kills me”
Neither of them speak for a while. They lie side by side, avoiding eye contact and letting the tension stagnate. He hears a quiet sniffle and looks over to see tears running down the side of Belly’s face. She reaches up to wipe them away, but they’re quickly replaced by more.
“We had our chance, Conrad. It didn’t work. We just…we need to move on”
“Our chance? You mean when we were teenagers? When my mom was dying? That was our chance? That feels pretty fucking unfair”
“Yeah, well life is unfair”
Her words hit him in the chest like a punch. His girl, so full of life and joy and hope…hearing her so drug down by cynicism physically hurt.
“Is that what you think? Life is unfair and we fucked up when we were kids so we…what? We never deserve a shot at real happiness again? Belly…that’s fucking dark. God, I hope that’s not your outlook on life”
“What else am I supposed to think? We made a mess of it. We…we hurt everyone and….and if we tried again now and it didn’t work? It would just make everything worse. For everyone. It would be selfish”
He turned on to his side so he could look at her, and she turned her head to look back at him.
“Let’s be selfish then. I’m tired of doing what’s best for everyone else and…being miserable”
“Conrad…I can’t. I’m sorry, I just can’t”
His head tilted back and he sucked in a breath, running his hand over his face. It was the same as before. The same as it would always be. He didn’t know why he expected anything different. He reached behind his back for his shirt and started to slip it back on, but Belly sat up, pulling at the fabric and looking at him with pleading eyes.
“Please don’t go. I don’t wanna fight. Let’s just…it was good before. Let’s go back to that”
“Back to pretending?”
She nodded and he hung his head. When he looked back up, she was standing at the side of the bed, unzipping her dress and letting it fall to the floor.
“Belly…”
“Let's just lay together. Under the covers. I just want to feel your skin against mine”
She reached behind her back and undid the clasp of her bra, dropping it to the ground as he wordlessly stood and pulled the blankets back, slipping under them. When she joined him, they turned facing each other and he cradled her body against his, chest to chest. He could feel her heartbeat and every inch of her skin against his sent tingles through his body.
Her lips kissed along his collarbone and chest, and he held the ends of her hair between his fingers.
“Maybe one day it’ll work. Us, I mean”
She whispered the words and he barely made them out, but when he registered what she said the tears he’d been fighting all night fell down his cheeks-one at a time. She continued on, just barely louder than before.
“Maybe we’ll find our way back to each other. Even if it’s a long time from now. Even if we’re old. Maybe we’ll still get to be together in the end. At the end”
“What if it’s not enough?”
His voice cracked as he spoke and she pressed a kiss into the dip in his sternum.
“It won’t be. It could never be enough, Con. Even if it started now. Even if it started when I was 16. It would never be enough. There’s not enough time in the history of the universe for all the days I want to spend with you”
His tears fell faster now. The dam was broken and he had no energy to fight it. This was their reality…two people destined to miss each other every day for the rest of their lives. He wasn’t even sure death could stop it. In that moment, he was certain that if he came back in another universe, he’d still be missing her-yearning for her.
She reached up and wiped the tears from his cheeks, then kissed him. It felt like melting into her, piece by piece. He loved every second while also dreading the moment it ended. When she pulled away, his breath caught. The way he missed her already was violent and all consuming.
“What if we’d never met?” she asked, eyes peering into his.
“We were always going to meet, Belly”
He watched tears well in her eyes before they tracked down her cheek.
“Why couldn’t it have happened differently? Why couldn’t it have been easier?”
“I don’t know, honey”
He kissed the tears from her cheeks, and she wrapped her leg over his hip, pushing closer against his body. They kissed again, this time with purpose. His hands pulled at her lower back, pressing her as close to his skin as possible and she reached between them to rub his cock against her, getting him slick before angling him at her entrance.
“Please, Conrad”
He pressed into her and they both groaned at the feeling. She kissed him again and their bodies moved together slowly, like they had all the time in the world. She clung to him like he was the only thing keeping her afloat and he held tight to her like the second he let go she would disappear.
When it was over they stayed in each other's arms, tracing every inch of each other's skin.
“I don’t want to fall asleep yet. I’m scared to wake up and it be tomorrow”
“It’s already tomorrow, honey”
“Tell me a story to keep me awake. One about us”
He settled his chin on top of her head and wrapped his arms tighter around her waist, feeling her melt into him bit by bit.
“We’re old...grey hair, wrinkles, groaning when we have to stand up, all that stuff…but you’re still beautiful. You’re just as beautiful to me as you are right now…as you’ve ever been. We’re in Cousins, walking along the beach at sunset. You stop and pick up shells even though we have probably a million back at the house, but I just pocket them and don’t say a word. We talk about the time you were 6 and got rolled by that wave and scraped your arms up and the time when I was 10 and got stung by the jellyfish and Jere almost peed on me…”
She laughed softly and he could feel her breathing start to slow.
“...You talk about what all we need from the grocery for the Fourth and I tell you to just let the kids take care of the food but you’re stubborn as always and fight me on it. I eventually talk you into just doing Mom’s cake with the berries and some corn on the cob and you make me promise to send a text to the family group chat once we’re back at the house so they can all organize everything else. I say I think when everyone’s there for the holiday it’d be the perfect time to finally teach the grandkids how to surf and you swat at me and say that if I break a hip, you’re not helping me around the house. But we both know you’re lying. We hold hands and you stop to pet every dog you see and ask what its name is. We stare out at the water and watch the sun sink behind the waves and it’s perfect. Everything about it is so perfect, Belly”
He realized she was asleep and let his eyes close too.
___
When he woke up, Belly was still in his arms. She was snoring that quiet little snore he knew so well and the realization that their night was over hurt more than he thought possible. His arm slid from around her, slowly so as not to wake her. He got dressed quietly, then walked around the bed so he could see her face one more time before he left. Pressing a kiss to her temple, he whispered “I love you” then turned and started to leave before he talked himself into waking her and begging for another chance one more time.
He stopped at the desk in her room and grabbed the pad of paper and pen sitting there, leaving a note.
Someday. No matter how long it takes.
I love you.
-Conrad
There's only me and you
It’s only me and you