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It was supposed to be a one time thing, until it began to turn into something more. A kiss that was a spur of the moment, born from desire and impulse, turned into something else that would soon eat away at Emma. The guilt ate her alive, plagued her mind and never left. Not even for a single moment did it let her rest.
Ironic as it is, it hurt her because she loves you, not Draken, yet she kissed him and did everything she shouldn’t have done.
She saw a resemblance of you in that man, everything about him reminded her of you and because she was out of her mind, she pulled him down and placed the lips that were for you, on someone else’s.
But only his lips didn’t remind her of you. It was foreign and settled unpleasantly at the pit of her stomach, yet she continued because she wanted something, anyone, that could be in place of you. You, who has been away for the past few months. You, who didn’t spare her more of your time because of work.
When you told her that your boss has been piling up work for you, she understood that you were going to be busy for a while. You wanted to quit that 9–5 and make something of your life—yourself—while staying sane enough to support the life you two wanted to build.
But it's taking too long. Emma's getting impatient by the day.
You’ve been staying more in your office rather than at home, it has become concerning. Friends and coworkers have notified Emma—Emma at home, all alone. Who would be there to comfort her and occupy the space you've been leaving if not Draken?
It has been weeks, turned into months. You persevered enough and left the company. The world seemed to brighten up now, despite the question of your next employment already coming up just as you're leaving the building with your box.
As long as you're coming home to Emma with a brighter smile on your face.
But that home reeked of something else.
You know your thoughts only held space for work all these months, just little to spare for Emma. And now it's dread knocking on the door of this home, the walls, everything. You knew better than to worry but for the longest time, thoughts have been brewing in your head even before you both got married.
We're married, stupid.
Dread knocks a bit harder but it's about to burst through the door anytime soon and flood the careful barricade you put up to stay grounded. You're not sure what it is you're worried about but you're sure something is amiss, something has drifted, something has changed and that something is everything.
You kept your hopes up, it's the only defense to the worries and dread about to burst. Clawing at the hope that it will all go back to how it was and always will be now that you’re out of your head and in with Emma. You wanted to spend this first night of finally being free with Emma, but you're sure your plans aren't going to go through.
"I'm home!" You called out.
Emma must be sleeping at this time, or she's busy on her phone in the room.
Stepping into the house felt like stepping into a different world. Have you been gone for so long to the point you find your home a bit strange? Maybe that's it, maybe you've just been gone for so long.
Nothing's wrong.
Entering your shared room, you find Emma taking a nap. You neatly place your belongings back to where they were originally and kept the space clean once more. You did your routine—a wash, then clothes, but something just felt too different and you could feel it in the air.
What if—
No, Emma wouldn’t do something like that, you thought.
You sat beside her and noticed her eyes. They're a bit swollen. Had she been crying, and because of what?
Just then, she woke up. Disbelief shook her wide awake and had you embraced in her arms within a second.
"My dear, your eyes look red. Have you been crying? Are you well?"
She couldn’t answer, only her eyes began to water. You returned the embrace and rubbed the small of her back, "It's going to be all right. I'm all yours now."
Oh, I wish I could pretend nothing happened, she thought.
Emma was guilty but nobody can say that she was wrongfully accused or even the victim in the situation. Draken didn’t know she was even married, but of course, she knew that but she still did everything unimaginable.
What have I done?
She kept thinking and crying to herself for the past month that you were away and replaced with someone new,
Why did I do that? Why did you, Emma?
How could I?
What was I thinking?
What is wrong with me?
At some point, she began crying. You thought she just missed you and embraced her for longer but in that span, she pondered on the many things that could happen and what she could do.
Do I hide this? What would I even say?
But questions stemming from her guilt began to consume her. Even as she cooked, as she cleaned, before she slept and in her dreams. It was like having eyes and lips all around her, the walls in this home that you two have built know about it and it haunts her every day and night.
It haunts her even in her sleep.
“Emma, you’re so cruel.” I am,
“Emma, you’re horrible.” I am,
“Emma, look at what you did.” I know,
“Emma, you don’t deserve her,” I don’t,
“Emma, you should die.” I should.
The voices in her head remind her of that night. That night she managed to stretch a bigger gap between the two of you behind your back. It haunted her, like the shadow behind her figure and she can’t erase it.
But she doesn’t want to tell you. She loves you so much and doesn’t want to let you go. You don’t deserve this, but she’s selfish and wants to keep you by her side. Even if this shadow of guilt stays for a lifetime right behind her, she’ll live with it if it means getting to keep you with her.
But it’s not going to let her get away with it.
Just as everything was going all right for you and seemingly for Emma, you found something later on that evening.
Men’s clothes.
You were going to confront her, of course you were. Your worries had long been out the front door and into your heart. The thought and possibility hurts and you know it would hurt her as well.
Even when you find out about this, you’re still sure that Emma loves you and that you love her as well. But were you enough for her? What have you been doing the past month? Even after all the warnings and your longing for her, you placed her last.
I should have talked to her,
I should have re-established my priorities,
I was wrong too.
You thought that placing one thing above another was a better way to go. If I do it first, I'll finish it sooner. But what was that supposed to mean, was there something to "finish" in your marriage with Emma if you placed her first? Sure, your motto may be right, but you lost something along the way:
Emma.
You lost Emma.
All because of the work that you decided to deem more important than her.
It’s my fault.
Sitting in the dining area, you forced your eyes to widee than they normally are, trying not to let them relax and appear to bear sorrow behind them that may add more to the tension that you feel very strongly in the room.
You thought that pretending everything is normal would make it seem like everything is. Dinner is finished, you cleaned up, Emma brings out a box of celebratory cheesecake.
“I got these from the new patiserrie downtown!” Whilst feigning the most believable, true smile she could muster, she said. You returned the smile, but you knew that Emma knew it wasn’t genuine.
What’s wrong? She wants to ask you, she's worried for her dear life. She's worried you'll find out and are thinking of leaving her. Even though that's what she deserves, she's afraid. Please, just be tired.
But all the things she did is why, that’s what’s wrong.
You took bites, even though you were full. You ate and ate and ate until you had finished about three slices already. Unbeknownst to you, you started playing with the ring that still shone beautifully, and placed by Emma herself on your finger.
As Emma finishes her turn in washing the dishes, she notices your act.
Please, she pleads to the whatever god in her little mind. She didn’t need words to explain what she was asking for since it was crystal clear.
“Emma, sit down.”
She does as asked,
You don’t speak and time passes, a feeling of eternity had passed yet you’ve not spoken.
“Please… Emma, tell me this is a joke.”
Her world had already formed tiny cracks, tiny yet millions of cracks ready to burst under the pressure. This is the pressure now and it has bursted into mismatched pieces.
“What can I do to keep you here with me, while being assured that you’ll stay?”
Is that really what you ask of her? Is that the first thing you ask for when you could've screamed at her, hit her, anything to her. Yet you choose to ask for just love.
She doesn’t deserve you.
Sobs can’t be heard but a cascade of tears fell from your eyes as you silently release the pent up emotions in front of her.
Emma can’t even cry anymore, she’s cried too much that her tears have dried from her very eyes. But even when she thinks so, they still find a way to stream down her face as well, and more when she sees you clutching onto the fabric covering your chest as you cry and gradually let out louder and heavier sobs.
“Emma, why?”
I don't know, she thought, no, she knows that this is not what you should come back home to, not even if it were the other way around. She knows just how much damage she caused.
“You were… away,”
What am I saying?
“Even while I was away, did that mean you can bring somebody else home?!”
No, she thought.
“Much more… a man? You brought home a man?!”
It started to burn, your heart, your mind, whatever. It all burned. You didn’t even spare her another word or another thought for yourself before taking the ring off,
“Emma, I need some time.”
She can't speak, she can't move, nothing is allowing her to escape. Her nerves have gone cold, like a punishment served in trial that says stay here and reel in what you've done.
Keys jingle and surfaces thump, the everyday and trivial belongings that wouldn't have received another thought from her start being picked up by its owner and it starts leaving micro spaces that she will feel as if they were bigger. All the space you took up are suddenly becoming empty in her vicinity.
Then, you walk out the door.
Where you leave and never come back.
Not anymore to her.