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[June 2017, MHL Awards]
“…but I also share it with you, Kip. You have made me better, in every way. I love you.” Scott looked at Kip with a fond smile, the Hart Trophy in his hands. His gaze scanned the crowd briefly, checking the reactions to his speech, and briefly settled on Rozanov – even in the blinding lights of the stage, Scott couldn’t help but notice his eyes seemed to be glistening. Surprised, Scott finished the speech quickly, inviting the crowd to attend a Scott Hunter night in a nearby gay club, and then he was off the stage, back at Kip’s side.
As soon as Carter excused himself to find another drink, Scott leaned toward Kip, whispering in his ear. “I think I saw Rozanov getting emotional during my speech.”
“Maybe he is secretly a romantic at heart?” Kip said with a laugh, distracting Scott enough to forget about that strange sight.
A few hours later, Scott was faced once again with Ilya Rozanov, seemingly waiting for him outside the VIP area he had been sitting in. “Rozanov. I definitely didn’t take you for the gay club kind of guy.”
“I’m full of surprise. You too old for that, mh? Will you get heart attack if I spoke you?” Ilya smirked, sipping on a glass of what was, guessing by the colour, vodka.
“Well, I don’t see any reason to stay here and let you make fun of me instead of going back to my boyfriend and my friends. Bye!” Scott started to walk away, happy to ignore the fact that notable womaniser Ilya Rozanov was in a very queer place just to make fun of him, and then a hand landing on his shoulder stopped him.
“What you did… brave. You were brave” Ilya said it softly, meeting Scott’s gaze. “It will change things.”
“That’s what I hope” Scott had been thinking about actually using the momentum of his very public and dramatic coming out to actually do something to improve the League from the inside, but he wasn’t sure Rozanov would be interested in hearing it. “Well, I’m here with Kip and some teammates. You want to join?”
Rozanov, after a few seconds of unbelievable hesitation, nodded. But spoke again before Scott could walk back to the table. “I’m… seeing someone” Ilya looked down to the dance floor, focusing for a moment of couple of men kissing passionately while dancing, and then back to Scott.
“Do I know them?” The use of that pronoun escaped Scott’s lips in a sort of gamble. He wasn’t sure if Rozanov was hinting at what he was thinking, but he hoped that choice would give him an opening.
“Da. For a long time.” Ilya drowned the rest of the contents of his glass, seemingly unbothered – but the way he kept looking around, checking if no one was near enough to hear, told Scott everything he needed to know. “Hollander.”
Why was he mentioning his long-time rival in that conversation? What did Shane Hollander have to do with Rozanov’s new partner? Oh fuck.
“You are playing with me!” Scott blurted out, disbelief written all over his face. “You… and Hollander…”
Rozanov, apparently, was happy to let Scott marinate in that new fond knowledge. He couldn’t lie and say it came as a complete surprise, thinking back at it – that whispered room number ages ago, Shane reaction to Scott calling Ilya ‘his’, and so many other little details –, and yet the idea that someone like Rozanov and sweet golden-boy Hollander were actually together, maybe had been for years, was something else.
Finally, Rozanov took mercy on him. “You know nice place to stay in New York?”
“Somewhere private and quiet, I imagine” Razanov nodded, and Scott felt himself starting to understand where this was going. “The apartment under mine is currently free; the owners put it up for short rentals. I could pass you the information, if you want… it would be a nice chance to discuss business opportunities.”
Rozanov didn’t say anything, but when Scott passed him his phone to input his number, he didn’t hesitate to do so. “Try to survive that long, Hunter.”
“I’m very happy for you two, by the way” Scott pointedly ignored the chirp, pocketing his phone. “Now come, I’m introducing you to Kip. Be nice.”
[late August 2017, New York]
Shane was driving, because Ilya had spared one look at the rental Lexus and went to the passenger seat. They had taken a plane from a private airport Rose had recommended, much to Ilya's annoyance - he still wasn’t a fan of Shane’s friendship with his only ex, but the fact that every worker they had interacted with, both at the airport and on the plane, had signed an NDA, definitely made for a way more relaxing flying experience.
Shane, on the other hand, still couldn’t believe that he was in New York for a holiday, with his boyfriend, and they were going to spend two days with people they didn’t have to hide their relationship from. It was thrilling, and at the same time… “Are you worried too?”
“Why?” Ilya scoffed, fixing his sunglasses. “It’s vacation, not war”
Shane bit down on his lips, hands tight against the string well. He didn’t know how to fully explain the myriad of emotions that had been fluttering in his chest more and more the closer they became to departure. “We never did it. We never hang out with… another couple, like a couple. Other than my parents, but it’s not the same.”
“Because they are super gay, like you?”
Shane would have rolled his eyes, were they not fixed on the road. “I’m just normal gay, Ilya, like I said a hundred times before. But yes, it’s a bit of that, I think… and well, we have hidden everything between us for years. What if we don’t know how to show it? How to act like people who love each other, when someone can see?”
He expected Ilya to laugh at him, but instead, his hand started caressing Shane’s hips softly. “Solnyško, it’s okay. They are new at it, too.”
It was right, Shane had to admit, finally guiding the car into the garage of Scott’s apartment building. He wasn’t sure of the timeline of Scott and Kip’s relationship, but Scott’s coming out had happened around two months ago, which was barely enough time to start deconstructing the barriers a queer athlete had to put up to survive in hockey.
Scott had kept Kip hidden, as Shane and Ilya were doing to each other. Maybe he would have advice on how to survive the guilt.
“Let’s go.” Shane said after a few moments of silence, slipping out of the car and taking their duffels from the hood. “They are waiting.”
“We could make them wait more….” Ilya's voice took an alluring tone, his eyes grazing all over his body.
Shane swallowed, shaking his head. “Not now, Ilya.”
“Boring.”
In the lift, Shane sent a quick message to Scott (‘We are here, coming up now!”), and looked lovely at Ilya, caressing his cheek for a moment. “I love you, so much.”
“Ya tebya lyublyu” Ilya answered, leaning to kiss him briefly, before the door opened to the penthouse floor. “We will do it together, da?”
They left the lift, hand in hand, and found themselves facing Scott Hunter, watching them from the doorframe of his apartment. “Hollander, Rozanov, nice to see you made it.”
“Thanks” Shane smiled at him, trying to do his best not to flinch when Scott noticed their intertwined hands. It was fine, Shane told himself, they were not in danger.
“Come inside, Kip is making lunch. I will show you the way to your apartment after.”
“That’s good, so you can’t poison me!” Ilya grinned, patting Scott’s shoulder, and pushed him away to enter into the apartment.
Scott looked at Shane, bewildered, but he just shrugged his shoulders and followed him inside. “Sorry.”
“I’m really not sure why you put up with him.”
“Sometimes I ask myself the same thing” Shane put the bags against the wall, and then turned toward the kitchen to see Ilya’s giggling, tasting the sauce Kip was making and instantly pretending to faint - if he had to make a guess, to express how good it was. He waved his hand to Kip in greeting. “Luckily, he has his moments.”
“I imagine. Can I offer you anything to drink while we wait? Kip is making lasagna” Shane nodded, and Scott took a can of ginger ale from the fridge, offering it to Shane, who seemed stunned. “I notice things, Hollander.”
“Did you know…” Shane left the rest unsaid, holding the can to let the cold can ground him. It had always scared him, that someone could find out about them - at the time, it was only his career he had thought about, but now it was Ilya, his wellbeing and his safety.
“Not really. There were moments, but I wasn’t sure. I feared I was projecting my feelings on you two just to find someone who could understand.” Scott’s smile was small and sad, and it squeezed Shane’s heart. “I knew, statistically, I couldn’t be the only gay hockey player, and yet everyone else seemed so interested in women, and I feared, what if I’m really the only one?”
“I understand” Shane opened the can, sipping on the cold drink. “Soon, queer hockey players will know that there is not only one, but three players like them. It will really change things, yeah?”
“So you will come out soon?” Scott gestured to move to the couch, apparently choosing against interrupting Kip and Ilya’s bonding session over food.
“I think it will be around two more years of secrecy, but yeah.” Shane noticed the pitiful look on Scott’s face, and turned his gaze away, toward his boyfriend, now donning an adorable green apron. “We would do it even sooner - it’s a matter of safety. Ilya can’t come out before having a citizenship that is not Russian.”
That seemed to suck the air out of the room. Scott whispered a soft ‘Fuck’ that Shane could hear only because they were fairly close, before Shane turned toward him. “Well, it sucks, but it’s still shorter than the timeline I originally gave Kip… I planned to wait until I retired.”
“Me too.” The condensation on the ginger ale can was getting uncomfortable, so he took one more sip, before putting it down on the coffee table. “I thought what Ilya and I had was casual, so what reason did I have to come out? Then he accidentally revealed he loved me, and poof! I uprooted my whole life to be with him.”
“You have been together for a long time, I guess?”
“Summer before our rookie season, on and off,” Shane said it like it was nothing special, but from the face Scott made, it felt like he had just said that aliens were real. “We were off, by the way, when I was with Rose. A last try with heterosexuality.”
He wasn’t surprised when Scott started laughing, almost to tears. “Give it to Shane Hollander to check if he is gay with one of the most beautiful and famous actress he could find!”
“I found a brilliant best friend, at least.”
“It’s not nothing” Scott smiled, and ruffled Shane’s hair - he found it annoying, but it was also sweet, so he decided not to complain for once. “You will break the whole League when you become public, you know it, right? Your rivalry is… legendary.”
“We are working on changing that narrative.” So far, only the two of them and his parents knew about the camps and the charity - but Yuna had suggested registering it before New York, so they could have a decent cover if someone saw them. “We want to start a charity, so we can at least act friendly toward each other. There will be hockey camps in the summer, and we can use the money to support mental health organisations… we need coaches, if you are free.”
“I will make the time. It’s a very honourable initiative,” Scott sounded proud, and it made the little kid in Shane’s heart, who had looked at Scott playing with awe, so happy. “I’m planning something, as well… that could be helpful to have at your back, when you two will come out.”
Before Shane could ask more, intrigued, Ilya’s voice boomed across the room “Lunch is ready!”
The lasagna was absolutely delicious, Shane had to admit, but he opted out of a second portion - which Ilya did not, obviously, loading his plate with enough pasta and garlic bread to feed an army.
“You are very good cook, Kip” Ilya said, between one mouthful of food and the other. “Hunter, buy him a restaurant!”
“Pft, he barely let me pay for groceries” Scott opened his arms in defeat, before drinking a sip of wine. “But yeah, I’m very grateful for his cooking talents.”
When Shane noticed that Scott seemed to have finished eating as well, he turned his gaze toward him. “So, what were you saying earlier?”
“Oh, he talked about his plan for the queer Avengers?” Kip lighted up, happily leaning down to kiss Scott on the cheek. “I’m very proud of him for the idea.”
“I’m trying to come up with a less copyrighted name, by the way.” Scott chuckled, intertwining his hand with Kip’s. “But the idea is to form a group of hockey players, allies and the scattered actual queer players, to fight against the toxic culture. Sometimes I feel like it’s too corrupted to improve, and yet… maybe, if we are not alone, we could do something actually meaningful.”
Shane and Ilya looked at each other, briefly, but it was enough. “We are in. We want to help, be part of the change.”
Even though, Shane thought to himself, it would make things a bit riskier, exposing himself as too much of an ally… but at least the Centaurs wouldn’t side-line him for doing something good, that was for sure.
In theory, Shane had known they would probably do something outside of Scott’s building during the trip. And yet, when Kip had looked up from cutting a piece of pancake with a smile and asked, “I was thinking we could go to the MoMA, and maybe have a stroll through Central Park while we are in the area. It’s a nice day”, Shane had frozen for a moment.
Under the table, Ilya’s hand had caressed his thighs, comforting, letting Shane know he would abide by anything he chose, that it was his call.
It will be fine, Shane tried to tell himself. It may be a double date, but from the outside it would hopefully look like two friendly rivals hanging with a couple of mutual friends - it wasn’t too strange, wasn’t it? Shane, Ilya and Scott had known each other for ages, after all.
And if someone actually recognised them, it would be ‘good optics’ (Shane heard in his mother’s voice). They had planned to announce the charity as soon as they were back in Ottawa, and it would just offer some credibility to their friendship’s story being seen together in public.
So, when the car parked in front of the Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art, Shane took a deep breath and exited it, trying not to show how fast his heart was beating. He met Ilya’s gaze for a moment, and something must have been clear to him, because his hand was itching closer, as if to intertwine their fingers, and he couldn’t, he…
Then it was Kip’s hand patting his shoulder, just for a moment, pushing Shane to go inside the museum’s door. “Come, I will give you two the best possible tour of this place. Scott can guarantee for me.”
“He is an amazing guide, I promise,” Scott said it with a cheesy smile that made Ilya do a face as if he was close to puking, and had Shane suddenly laugh, relaxing him just enough to actually follow Kip through the first room without wanting to run back outside.
The tour was actually… nice. Shane’s knowledge of art wasn’t particularly deep, but Kip had a way of explaining artworks and their meanings that was captivating and enjoyable even for him. And sometimes, when the room was empty enough, Ilya’s fingers would brush Shane lightly and briefly - his hands, his arms, his hips -, little touches, but still grounding, still pleasant.
It almost made pretending to not be anything more than friends bearable. And it allowed Shane to dream of the near future, when he and Ilya would be finally allowed to touch each other in public and not be burned at the stake for it. It seemed almost too good to be true.
“Oh, that’s one of the best galleries!” Kip’s excited voice woke Shane up from the haze he had fallen into, and he found himself in a room that was almost too full for his taste. Depictions of French landscapes and interiors surrounded them, with Kip happily pointing to his favourites, until they arrived in front of the painting that seemed to attract most of the crow. “Van Gogh’s Starry Night, I still have a poster of it in my childhood room. It’s so beautiful, don’t you think?”
Shane took the time to really focus on the painting in front of him. The different kinds of blue merging with each other in the background, the details of the village below, the stars shining on everything else… it made him think of soft and quiet nights in the cottage, when the fire pit was doused, and Ilya’s arms were comforting around Shane’s body, banishing the cold.
“I love it” Shane murmured, softly, feeling Ilya’s presence at his back - not near enough to touch, but enough to let Shane know that he was there, that he wanted to hold him here, in the middle of a crowd. It made him brave enough to find Ilya’s hand, now that Scott and Kip were hiding them, just for a moment.
It was not enough, not enough at all, but it was still nice.
Maybe he could have someone paint a yellow and blue wall in the cottage, someday. A reminder of their first date.
Going to the Kingfisher had been Scott’s idea, posed over the empty plate of their dinners, courtesy of Kip once again. “You have been to a gay club before, Rozanov. This is just a very queer sports bar, and I promise no one will bother us.”
Ilya had looked to Shane, then, wanting to go but also buying the time to find a reason not to if needed, but Shane surprised him when he nodded, smiling. “It seems nice. Do they have ginger ale?”
Ilya could be faulted if he had kissed his boyfriend there and there, full mouth and all of that. Shane deserved it, and Scott could learn one thing or two from watching.
It had turned out to be an enjoyable experience. The light wasn’t too harsh, the music was soft instead of loud, and Pittsburgh was destroying Detroit on the TV screen - Ilya had always taken a liking to Tremblay, the Penguins captain, since he watched him trip a known homophobic enforcer in his rookie season. He was happy to see him win.
And it was a nice addition that the boot they had been put in was small enough that Ilya was able to be glued to Shane the whole night, their feet touching under the table every so often. He didn’t even mind that Hunter and Kip were watching he and Shane barely containing themselves from making heart eyes at each other.
“Today was fun, yeah?” Kip said to Ilya with a smile, nursing the almost empty glass. Shane and Scott had gone to the bar to get a second round for all of them a few minutes earlier, so they were alone. “I hope my tour guide abilities were decent!”
“It was okay.” Ilya’s voice was light, almost distant. He felt himself drifting away, thoughts and wants wrestling in his mind… suddenly, English felt so hard. “You are very good at art.”
“My grad school’s loan debt is worth it, then” Kip laughed, patting his shoulder. “I feel like you have something on your mind, though. I know we don’t know each other too well, but I’ve been told I’m a good listener.”
Ilya was silent for enough time that Kip must have been trying to find something else to break the tension that had settled in the space between them, before he finally spoke. “How did you survive it? It… hurts.”
Something flashed in Kip’s eyes - understanding, heartbreak, pity for someone who was in the same situation he had been in mere months ago. “Yeah, it fucking does. To love someone and not be able to tell, to hide in dark rooms something that deserves sunshine.”
Ilya’s loved Shane when he was bathed in sunshine, his freckles glittering like stars on his cheeks. It was such a pity that they still had two years of hiding away their love from the sun, from the world.
“I broke with Scott over it. It didn’t last long, because he came back to me, and soon after came out in the most dramatic way he could think of… for me too, but mostly for himself.” Kip sighed, running a hand through his curls. “I know your situation is different, that hiding is a matter of survival. But I doubt it makes it any easier, yeah?”
Ilya shook his head, still silent.
“My first date with Scott was at an art gallery.” Kip’s gaze turned away for a moment, finding Scott and Shane chatting while waiting for their drinks to be made. “He was so twitchy, worried about someone recognising him even with sunglasses and a ball cap. I knew he was afraid, that he tried for me… and even then it was awful. Having a reason for hiding doesn’t erase the weight of it.”
“Da, it doesn’t.” Ilya was looking at Shane too now, a bitter smile tugging at his lips. “I’m sorry. You deserve better dates.”
“Scott is working on it.” Kip’s arm went around Ilya’s shoulder, easily, to offer the comfort of a hug that he wasn’t sure Ilya would accept. “Feel free to give him ideas.”
“For you, I will do.”
The next morning, Shane was the only one not hungover, so cooking fell to him - luckily, Scott didn’t have any bird food at home, so when they went down for a late breakfast that was more a brunch, Shane had to work with real ingredients.
Half an hour later, the four of them were sitting around the kitchen island, eating slightly bland scrambled eggs, crispy turkey bacon, and even toasted bread with butter. It was nice, even if Ilya didn’t stop chirping Hunter for more than five minutes until Shane threatened - in Russian, because he was a gentleman - to withhold sex for a full week.
Now, their packed bags were waiting near the entrance, while the four of them were saying goodbye. Kip and Shane were hugging - a sight that surprised Ilya, but he couldn’t deny that Kip was a person easy to be comfortable with -, and Scott and Ilya were studying each other, unsure and awkward.
“Don’t be a stranger, yeah?” Scott smiled at Ilya, hands in the pockets of his pants. “I know I’m a dinosaur and you are annoyed by the fact that I’m good at hockey, but we are friends. Even if you hate to admit it.”
Ilya chuckled, rolling his eyes. “You wish, Hunter. Just try not to die… even if Kip would make very sexy widow.”
“Oh, I totally agree” Kip chipped in, wrapping his arm around Scott’s hips. “You two take care of each other, alright? And remember, we are only one call away.”
“We will.” Shane said, taking Ilya’s hand in his. “Thank you again for everything. We had fun, and sorry if Ilya was annoying.”
“I was perfectly behaved!” Ilya scoffed, betrayal clear on his face.
“He could have been worse” Scott and Shane said, almost in tandem, making Kip almost double over with laughter. “We will watch the press conference next week. Good luck!”
Shane couldn’t help but wish this weekend had been longer, that he and Ilya didn’t have still stuff to do for the foundation in Ottawa, before officially announcing it. It had been nicer than expected, to be around people he didn’t have to hide from.
He couldn’t wait to let the whole world see him and Ilya.
[early September 2017, Ottawa]
The lights were blinding, a sea of journalists was in front of them - impatiently waiting to hear whatever announcement famous arch-rivals Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov were planning -, and only Shane’s foot touching his under the table was stopping Ilya from running away.
It wasn’t that Ilya was afraid. It was just that he was going to tell the world the story of how and why he lost his mother, and, on top of that, show a bit of what he felt for Shane, even if masked as friendship - ten years of hiding his feelings didn’t make it easy.
But he knew, deep down, that it would be fine. And later, he would be grateful to be able to go out in public places, to have dates masked up as friends catching up - the museum outing had been the highlight of their New York trip, and Ilya really couldn’t wait to repeat it.
“Are you ready?” Shane whispered, turning to look at Ilya, who nodded, and then put his mouth closer to the microphone. “Good morning. I know many of you were surprised by this joint conference. Ilya and I had been pitched as rivals for a decade, but after knowing each other for this long, at some point during the years we came to consider each other friends - very competitive friends, obviously.”
That made the journalists laugh. Shane had always been the better media trained on, after all.
“During the last All-Star tournament in Tampa, we began talking about the idea of starting a charity together, to support causes that are close to our hearts.” That part was actually Yuna’s idea: the timeline would also make Ilya’s reaction to Shane being hit by Marlow less suspicious, like he was just worried for his friends, and not fearing the love of his life was dying - it was a nice cover-up. “And today we finally announce the birth of the Irina Foundation, a non-profit that aims to raise money for mental health support initiatives across North America. I’m honoured to be working together with Ilya for this project.”
Ilya took a deep breath, grounding himself through Shane’s touch under the table. “When I was twelve years old, my mother lost her battle with depression. Her name was Irina, and the foundation will help people like my mom - aiding in her honor those who are suffering alone, before it’s too late.”
Oh, how much he wanted to hide his tears in Shane’s chest. Instead, Ilya just tried to keep smiling, hoping his eyes weren’t too glossy, and let Shane continue the statement – talking about the hockey camps they would host next summer, the organisations they planned to support, and that Yuna would be the director and treasurer of the foundation. But all the while, Ilya only half-heard, his fingers around the crucifix on his neck, wishing they could hold on to Shane instead.
Soon, Ilya thought, smiling at Shane, soon I will be able to hold kiss you even when everyone is watching.