Chapter Text
Anger. He seemed angry at her. Out of all the emotions or expressions Gwen was expecting as a result of having this conversation with Blake - the last thing she ever imagined was that he would get angry at her.
“I don’t know what you want me to say anymore,” Gwen said, defiantly, even though deep down she was hurting because of how he was reacting.
“I just want to know why - I want you to stop running away from this or brushing it off like it’s nothing! This is serious,” Blake replied, perhaps showing a bit more frustration than he meant to.
“I’m not!” Gwen retorted immediately, even though she knew deep down on some level he was right. She did easily run away from things, and this was one of them. She had been running away from it for a huge part of her life. The past year had just been so incredible - after all of the crap she went through with her ex-husband, to finding Blake, and finally starting to be able to love someone again, it was just terrible that when she finally felt she had a chance at happiness, it was the time for it to catch up to her.
The air around them felt tense as silence took hold. Gwen crossed her arms over herself, almost protectively, as she shifted and leaned her weight back against the kitchen counter and forced her gaze to the floor. She forced herself to focus on the intricate marble pattern in an attempt to distract her mind from getting upset. She didn’t want to cry. She knew she got emotional easily but she was determined to at least hold it off for now.
After what felt like an eternity, Blake moved forward slowly, closing the distance between the two of them. He stood in front of her, and gently reached out to place his hands on top of her shoulders. Gwen’s face winced upon the contact, a look he knew all too well which meant she was trying to hold herself together. It was heartbreaking.
“I don’t know…” she said hoarsely, still forcing herself to keep her gaze concentrated on the marble, “I don’t know how to not run away from this.” The warmth of his hands on her bare shoulders was strangely calming, even though she felt a few tears run down her cheek.
“Look at me,” Blake said, almost in a whisper.
“Not when you’re angry at me. I can’t take that right now, Blake.”
“Baby,” he breathed, taking a deep breath as his hands gently massaged her shoulders a bit. “I am NOT angry at you. I don’t think I could ever be truly angry at you.” He paused, moving a bit closer to Gwen, and resting one of his hands gently on her chin to pull her face up to look at him. Their eyes made contact, and between how upset Gwen looked and how worried and frustrated Blake looked - it stung. “This? It scares me. You are scaring me. And what I think scares me the most is that I don’t think you realize how serious this is.”
“But you don’t understand,” Gwen said quietly, closing her eyes as a few tears fell once again. Blake had had enough. His heart was breaking for the woman in front of him and he reached out with both of his arms, bringing her into his chest, and engulfing her frame completely with his. Gwen’s arms grabbed onto him immediately and wrapped around him tightly, finally feeling some of the tension of the day disappear.
Blake stood there with her like this for what seemed like at least half an hour, holding Gwen and letting her release some of the tears she had been holding back. When he felt that she was calmer, he rubbed her back gently and spoke into her ear. “I want you to make me understand,” he said, continuing to run his fingers in circles on top of her shirt.
“What?” Gwen said, a bit taken aback, as she pulled her head up to look at him.
“I want you to tell me everything,” Blake repeated, as he moved one hand to gently rest on her cheek again. “I want you to make me understand how it got to this point.” His tone was not demanding, but gentle and understanding. It was searching for meaning.
Her stomach was doing flips at that point as she began processing what he was saying. Gwen’s face wrinkled a bit with concern as she broke eye contact, looking down, almost as if she was searching for answers. She seemed a bit nervous and fidgety all of a sudden. Deep down, she knew she was embarrassed about the entire situation and the fact that it had gone on for so long - and that it got bad enough at certain points where some people found out.
“What’s wrong?” Blake asked gently, not releasing his hold on her.
Gwen let out a shaky breath and bit her lip. Her eyes closed as she felt Blake lean forward and place a soft, sweet kiss on her forehead for reassurance. Her fingers began twitching against the small of his back, searching for something to do, a response he felt and knew all too well. He knew he was making her anxiety go through the roof with his request.
“Gwen, you’re sick, darlin,” Blake said softly. “I know you don’t want to hear that, but I know deep down you know it’s true even though you’re trying to run from it. And I want to understand why you do this to yourself, why you’ve done this to yourself for so long. I want to help you get through this, and I can’t do it if I don’t understand. I am so in love with you and the boys, and the thought of losing you — that would kill me.”
She took a few deep, shaky breaths as more tears came down her cheeks. It came as a shock to her as she had never exactly had someone say those words to her so abruptly. It made her stomach turn and her anxiety creep up even more than it already was. She looked up at him, taking another breath, taking the sight of him in. It broke her heart what she had done - the pain and worry she put in this man’s eyes that was all her fault, and she hated herself for it. She didn’t know why this perfect man thought she was worthy of his time, yet alone his love, and she had never been used to this level of care. For the first time it really hit her - he had never been angry at her, he really was just scared.
“I’ve never said any of it out loud,” she managed, once she calmed her breathing. "And it's stupid...and embarrassing." She also thought a lot of the time she was just making it up in her head, but she kept that part to herself as she knew it would just do more damage to the situation.
“It’s okay to be scared,” he reassured her, gently massaging her lower back. “Those are your insecurities talking. It's not stupid, and you shouldn't be embarrassed, honey. I think deep down you’ve buried this for years and I think you would feel so much better if you talked about it.”
“I’m afraid to scare you away,” she admitted, knowing all too well that it was the only reason she kept it so concealed to begin with. But she also knew deep down that Blake was so different - she had told him so many things she had never shared with anyone else before, because their trust and bond ran deeper than anything she had ever felt before. It was a large wound that she was exhausted from hiding from him anymore.
“I promise - you don’t have the ability to scare me away,” Blake responded.
Gwen nodded, believing him for the most part but still internally reserved on the idea. “Okay,” she finally agreed, quietly, as her hands moved away from his sides and down to collect his hands in hers.
“I’ll start from the beginning."