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Steve Harrington hadn’t looked in a mirror since the summer of ‘86.
He told himself it was the scars that kept him away from the reflection that felt distorted and wrong. Same reason he never wore tank tops anymore. Or shorts. He simply was too scarred— both mentally and physically— to even think about letting anyone, even himself, see his skin. He knew Robin had a similar issue from time to time. They had deepened their bond by laughing till they cried over the scars those Russians left on their barely adult bodies that would now stay with them until the grave.
Then the fall of ‘87 happened and they all almost die. He almost died. Dustin, Nancy, Lucas, Robin. Max almost died. Eddie almost died.
Yet somehow, by the grace of a God Steve had never believed in, they survived. They not only survived but they won. The seam closed and they lived. Some almost didn’t. Max had been in a coma for almost a year before she had opened her eyes to a darkness that never went away and the inability to ride a skateboard even if she did replace one set of wheels for another. Eddie had been in a coma for 7 months, he almost didn’t make it to the hospital but Nancy Wheeler was one stubborn person when she wanted to be (which was always). When Eddies eyes opened Steve had been at his bedside. Just like he had been for Max.
And now it was the summer of ‘88. It was the summer and everyone was in Steve's’ backyard. Using the pool he couldn’t even step foot into since he learned about Barb in some weird survivors guilt way. The whole party was laughing and playing around. The kids were being kids and the adults had beers that Hopper had brought by with a strict rule of one each and if he got a phone call he was never getting them a case again.
Steve was not in the pool, or lounging, or even in proper summer attire. No, Steve was in jeans and a long sleeved blue sweater type shirt well standing in front of the grill as he made food for the people who had overtaken his backyard. Sure he was sweating so bad he swore he no longer had water in his body and sure he was a bit dizzy from the heat but he just… couldn’t. He really couldn’t handle anyone seeing his body. The way it was now— and maybe even before— felt dirty and wrong. He was sure it was something others felt, Robin got it on some level but there was always this disconnect in their reasoning. The fleeting looks Robin would give when Steve would say certain things. The squeeze to his thigh or his arm when she could tell he was at his most uncomfortable. Almost like she knew something he didn’t.
“Burgers are ready!” Steve called out as he plated the last burger onto a serving plate he had grabbed from the cupboard full of dinner party-esk kitchen wear his parents were never home enough to use. The kids didn’t stop playing whatever pool game they had decided on but Robin groaned loudly in false complaint.
“Thank god, I thought you were trying to starve us,” Steve scoffed and rolled his eyes with a soft smile.
“Hey if I wanted you guys dead you’d be dead, now get a burger or I’ll eat your helping and mine.” A loud gasp was heard as Steve turned back to the grill and grabbed the full plate, moving it over to the table he had set up with the burger toppings a backyard pool party could only dream of. Steve was proud of the spread really. Having to teach himself to cook was a feat but something about it made him feel euphoric. It was likely the ability to be able to take care of his friends. Or he was sure it was that.
“Aren’t you hot, Harrington?” Came Eddies voice from behind him. Steve turned around, trying to pretend the sudden showing up behind him of Eddie didn’t make him jump.
Shrugging Steve gave Eddie a smile. “I run cold what can I say.” It was a lie of course. He was sweltering and the call of his AC filled house was a sweet song he kept ignoring.
Eddie hummed, obviously only half convinced. “Sure thing, Stevie, sure thing.” Steve ignored how the nickname flared something in his chest. Just like he always did. Like he always would. Even if it made something feel similar to a crawling electricity through his skin. A fire he was trying desperately to fan out.
---
“Robbie, okay, question,” Steve was drunk. So was Robin. Both equally shitfaced despite Steve having drank twice as much as the other.
“Answer, I maybe have one.” Robin responded as she looked up at Steve from her position currently laying on his lap. They were on the floor in his basement. Beer cans surrounded them well the TV played a movie Steve had now forgotten the name of but he was certain he could vaguely hear the sounds of a heartfelt love confession.
“How is it having boobs? Is it cool? I think it be cool,” Steve knew this was too honest, especially as he watched that look Robin got like he was missing an inside joke he wasn’t aware was happening. But she made a humming noise, eyes diverting towards the television.
“I mean what’s it like not having them?” Steve hummed, too drunk to stop his answer from slipping through his lips.
“Disappointing.”
There was a silence that followed before the movie ending stopped the conversation in it’s tracks and Robin shot up mumbling about having to put a new movie in.
The flame grew.
---
“Hey, Steve?”
“Hm?”
“How much do you remember from last night?”
A pause.
“Not much? Why did I say something stupid, oh god I don’t wanna know Rob.”
“Sure thing, Dingus.”
Somehow that did not ease Steve's worry.
---
“Eddie, Rob,” Steve paused as he looked at the building in front of him. It had been a four hour drive to Indy and now they were stood outside a club Eddie had only heard about and never been to. “I do not think I belong here. Much more your guys scene.”
“And here I though King Steve wasn’t scared of something knew.” Came Eddies teasing reply. His stomach twisted. Steve didn’t have to turn around to know he had a stupid smirk on his face.
Robins hand landed on his shoulder, he turned around to look at Robin a fire in her eyes.
“Stevie Harrington,” She hadn’t called him Steve since the last time they got drunk together. He wasn’t sure why. “If you bail on me and I do not get to make out with at least one women tonight I am going to make you wish the upside down took you out.” She was serious. He knew she was. So he nodded, a bit stiff but he agreed to go. He couldn’t just not.
So now he was in a club. It was dim. Music was being played by a band he didn’t know on their speaker system. Eddie and Robin were in the crowd, dancing, making out, whatever their queer hearts desired. Steve was against a wall nursing a drink that was on the too sweet side but he couldn’t say he hated. The music was bordering on too loud and the crowd was large enough he was feeling only slightly claustrophobic.
A throat cleared beside him. Now Steve was not a tall man but he definitely wasn’t short. He stood at a proud five foot ten. It was a surprise when he hadn’t grow past as his dad was six foot two but he hadn’t minded his height. So when he turned to the right and found himself staring at the collarbones on a well endowed women he couldn’t help the blush that came to his face. He hadn’t met many, if any, girls who had been taller than him. He tilted his head up slightly and was met with the face of a gorgeous women. Her shoulder length black hair was heavily layered and fell beautiful around he slightly angular face. She had on a red lip, a black tight top with lace framing the top of the shirt. Her chest was smaller but it suited her thin frame that Steve thought looked gorgeous. She also had long legs which were covered by a black miniskirt and a pair of sheer black tights. She truly was gorgeous.
“Hey-” the rest of her greeting was obscured by the noise of the club. “-want to dance?” She asked him and Steve dumbly nodded. He finished off the sip he had left of his drink and set it on the bar table.
“I’d love to!” He said trying to be louder over the music. The women grinned as she grabbed his hand and pulled him into the crowd.
It was hard to squeeze through the crowd to a good spot but the crowd seemed to part effortlessly for this women. She knew what she wanted and surprisingly at this queer club it was Steve who was in a slightly lighter long sleeved shirt and blue jeans.
The two danced close to one another. Steve's heart was drumming in his chest to the beat of the music. Steve felt himself getting lost in this women. Maybe it was good he came tonight. When the next time she leaned down and whispered in his ear Steve knew he was glad, “Wanna meet me in the washroom, sweetheart.” Steve answered with a slight choked off yes. He really had lost all his old charm. She took off towards the washroom, he watched as she entered the female washroom. He followed but hesitated at the door. But she had taken him there, so obviously it was okay.
Pushing into the bathroom he saw the women sitting on the sink counter, a cigarette hanging from her fingers. And somehow in this small club bathroom as she inhaled smoke she looked even more beautiful. She held out the smoke to Steve who took it from between her fingers and took an inhale. He hadn’t smoked in awhile so he coughed a few times as he breathed out the smoke. The women laughed, a deep and beautiful sound.
“God you’re adorable.” She said as she took the cigarette back from him. She motioned forward and Steve followed without a second thought. “Can I kiss you, baby?” She asked, voice low.
“Ya.” Steve was slightly breathless as he watched her finish off the cigarette.
“What’s the magic word?”
Steve tried to ignore how that made his stomach tighten and the tingle of arousal grew.
“Please.” His mouth was dry as the women cooed and she pulled his face towards her, their lips meeting. Steve's eyes closed his hands landing on her hips as he stood between her legs. They stayed like that as someone else came in, used the washroom, and then left. Her lips were warm against him as her hands pushed through his hair. She gave a small tug and Steve's mouth fell open in a soft moan. Her tongue entered his mouth like she was savoring every moment against his lips. Steve's cock strained in his pants. She pulled his hair again this time using it to pull him away from her lips. He would forever deny the whine that left his throat.
“What’s your name sweetheart, wanna know how pretty it sounds.” Steve’s head swam with a small fog of confusion entering his mind.
“I don’t know how pretty Steve is but I'm sure you could make it sound pretty.” He said in a breathless tone. The women paused before she leaned back slightly.
“Haven’t chosen a new one yet? Or you one of the transsexuals who keep their names?” Steve was the one to pause now.
“Transsexual?” He asked, tilting his head to the side.
The women blinked at him a few times, her hand not leaving his hair.
“You not a dyke, baby?” Steve slowly shook his head.
“Uh, my-my best friend is,” he said as his head spun, “I’m here as moral support but I got lucky with you it seems.” He grinned at her but as he finished speaking the woman's hand moved from his hand and moved to sit against his face, now holding it softly.
“I thought you were a dyke, or at least some sort of women. You always been this dykeish?” Her hand made small circles on his face as his eyebrows furrowed.
“I mean I’ve let my hair grow a bit I wouldn’t call myself- uh- that really.” The women hummed giving a nod and Steve couldn’t help but think she was giving him the same look now Robin always did.
“Oh you’re deep in it, baby girl",” Steve tried to ignore the want that grew in him. “Imma go back out. Maybe talk to your friend about transsexuals, princess.” Steve knew not to push as he stepped away from the counter. The women, whose name he still didn’t know, stood from the counter and towards the door. She gave him and wink and blew a kiss before walking out.
Steve was left panting, blushing, and hard as a rock.
---
“Hey, Robin?”
“Ya, Dingus?”
“Stevie?” Robin said after a long bit of silence.
“What’s a transsexual?” Now Robin was the one you was silent.
“Let’s talk after work, okay?”
“… okay.”
---
The first questions out of Robins mouth when they entered Steve's house was, “Okay, so where did you of all people find out about transsexuals?” It was not what Steve wanted to talk about he just wanted to know what it meant. Not be questioned how he knew the term, which he barely did.
“Well I am a whole new man here, Rob, opened my eyes to the homosexual ways" He hooked his car keys up on the little row of hooks by the door, above the one his keys were always put on was a crudely made scratch into the real wood. ‘The kings throne’. Something Eddie had scratched into the wood on a night of a little too much weed and a Steve making the mistake of falling asleep before everyone else.
“Ya, ya, I get it. Royalty Stevie gets in with two queers and now he’s a master at all things gender and sex.” Steve looked towards Robin who had her arms crossed over her chest, a small smile played on her lips but there was a look in her eyes that had his stomach dropping. “But seriously, where did you hear that? I wanna know who is half assed teaching you queer language.”
“I- uh,” Steve tried to fight the odd flush that he could feel rising into his cheeks. “A girl I met at the queer bar. She approached me, I wooed her of course with the Harrington charm,” Steve made a joking wink towards Robin who made a fake gagging motion, pointing her finger down her throat. The two walked towards the kitchen, Robin sitting at the island and Steve opening the fridge, getting the two their own cups of soda. “We went to the bathroom and we made-out a bit and then she asked if I was ‘one of those transsexuals who doesn’t change their name’. She also told me to ask my friends what it meant.” Robin snorted.
“Wow,” Robin said extending the word until Steve set her glass of cola down in front of her. “Only you, Stevie, could be making out with a girl and be identified as a transsexual. I’m almost proud of you!” The eye roll Steve gave Robin came naturally.
“Still doesn’t answer my question about what transsexual means, Robby.”
A sigh. It was followed with Robin rubbing a hand over her face.
“Okay. I need you to not freak out about this, okay? ‘Cause I feel like you’re going to freak out on me over this Harrington and I need you to not spiral. Okay?”
A second of silence before a soft nod, “Okay? I didn’t think it be that bad, Jesus.”
“Okay it’s not bad! You just have a small tendency to freak out about things and I want to make sure you know you are safe here and I am not gonna judge and I am sure no one else we know will either! Now okay so transsexuals are,” Robin paused. “I don’t really know any transsexuals but I know what they are. I don’t know any who are out,” Robins eyes felt like they were piercing into him, Steve wasn’t sure he liked it. “In Hawkins, but I did talk to some at the queer bar before I made out with this very very hot dyke and it was great. We really should go back to that bar I'm thinking one of these days.”
“Robin, focus on enlightening me, I am begging.”
“Right, yes, okay. So transsexuals are people who have changed sexes.” Steve's eyebrows furrowed.
“Is this similar to upside down, magic bullshit?”
Robin groaned loudly. “No, dingus! Listen to me!” She let out a sharp breath, muttering something soft that Steve couldn’t make out. “Transsexuals were born one sex, women or man, and have decided that they are going to be the other one I've heard there are meds and surgeries and clothing helps, growing out your hair, painting nails, changing your name, and I'm sure we could probably like blackmail those government officers to help honestly we know so much they could totally get new papers and name change stuff with no questions asked.” Robin paused but before Steve could say anything she continued, “Well maybe some questions asked but I think El could stronghold them, oh god and Max too. Definitely Max could. I think Eddie would help too of co-”
“Robin”
“-urse. Then again I think they would do it with very little pushing from us with how, ya know, we have saved the world. But ya so if it’s something you wan-”
“Robin!”
Robin paused, taking a breath and looking at Steve with an awkward smile. “Sorry, got a bit rambly there at the end.”
“Okay so the gist is, transsexuals wanna be a different gender. Why are we acting like one of us needs that? Has one of the kids told you something? Also why would the lady at the bar think thats me? That makes no sense?” Robin stared at Steve, her smile fading into a slightly worried look.
“Oh you didn’t… okay got it. Never mind ignore me. Maybe it’s your hair, it’s getting pretty long but it looks really nice long I would keep it like that. Well great talk Harrington!” Robin hopped off the stool and began walking quickly to the door. “But I really gotta get home ya know parents, dinner, places to be, yaddah yaddah.”
“Robin I am your ride home, you’re having dinner he-” But before Steve could finish Robin was at the door, waving behind herself as she opened it, stepped through, and closed the door. Steve's eyebrows furrowed. That conversation was likely top 10 oddest conversations he had with anyone in the party the past few years. Something about it had Steve's heart beating louder then he had heard it in years, usually fading into the background noise of almost death and survival.
It’s fine. He could ask her at work tomorrow.
---
Steve… did not make it to work the next day. Or the day after. Something had him laying in bed. Calling out and avoiding the calls from the party. Eddie had phoned him after he had bailed on their weekly smoking and movie sesh. Robin had phoned, and showed up, after he had missed two days of work. The door had been locked and Robin did not have key. No one did, the door was almost always open. The kids has asked about him, he knew this because at day four of being locked in his house he had heard Henderson banging on the door. He did not answer. He had been in the bathroom at that point, vomiting up the drinks he had binged the night before.
Day Six of not leaving had Steve laying on the floor of the TV room. He had the TV on, playing some movie he had yet to return to his work and he was certain was overdue. It was some musical show Eddie had brought over in a way to ‘teach him about queer musical culture’. Steve remembered him stating it was not his favourite but he had to show Steve and Robin at least once so they could come to their own decision. Steve watched it, he liked it, and he also pushed down how his eyes travelled between Janet and Brad the whole movie.
Lost in his own head Steve had not heard the door finally being opened, or the boots making a stamping noise towards his stop on the living room floor. When his eyes did open to the soft sounds of a voice he was sure he knew, standing in his vision was Eddie Munson.
“Eddie?” Steve mumbled, half out of it, squinting up at the light surrounded man above him.
“Hey there, Stevie.” His voice was softer then Steve had ever heard it before. Eddie moved down until he was lying next to Steve on the carpet of the TV room. Steve smiled.
“Hey theree.” His voice was slurred, it had been for the past three days. Trying to drink away the thoughts that had entered his mind since his talks with Robin. Since he found out truly what a transsexual was. Since it seemed that Robin knew someone else who was. And in the back of his mind, a small voice that shouted, wanted it to be him.
“Need an ear, Harrington?”
Steve didn’t respond for a minute. Before his mouth opened and his questioned tumbled out, too inebriated to stop. “Have you ever wanted to be a girl?” Steve expected a laugh, a shove away, but instead Eddie hummed. Deep and thoughtful like he often did.
“Can’t say I have, I quite like what I've got.” There was a pause and then a soft continuance, “Have you thought about it?” Steve wanted to answer, wanted to let the words tumble from his throat. The truth of what he has felt, the wanting ache in his chest that screamed at him day by day and has since he was a young child. When he first tried on his mothers makeup and the nanny found him. When he would walk in his mothers heels until his feet grew to big for them. How when the party called him mom something blossomed and grew in his chest that made him want to scream and vomit at the same time. How badly he wanted to be pretty.
All he could do was burst into tears, ugly, body wracking sobs that had him gasping for air. He felt himself pulled against Eddie, the older man running his hand down Steve's hair, whispering soft comforts to him he wouldn’t be able to remember the exact words of. But the comfort. That felt warm. Like a fire in his chest.