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Toya stared at his laptop screen, sharp silver eyes narrowed in what could only be frustration. For once, it wasn’t his father or any kind of block keeping him from composing that was leaving him itchy and restless. No. This time, it was pure human longing (for what, his body nor mind would reveal to him) that had sunk its nasty claws into him. He slammed his laptop shut, a little harder than he meant to, shoving it back farther down his bed.
He raked his blunt nails over his arms. His alabaster flesh felt as though it had been pulled taut over his weary bones, too tight for him to even breathe. Pressure pounded giddily behind his eyes and at the front of his forehead. Even his teeth ached. His chest throbbed. His tongue sat too heavy in his mouth, and even the air he did manage to suck in felt thick and suffocating.
Toya had kicked off his sweatpants a while ago, opting to sit on his bed in a pair of soft shorts and his blue hoodie specifically for wearing to bed- but even that felt like too much. He ripped it off, tossing it to the end of his sheets, leaving him the previously mentioned shorts and a shirt. Okay. Better, but still not good.
He shook out his hands, flapping them at an almost painful rate if he weren’t so used to it. His fingers and wrists are numb. He tries popping each individual joint to no avail. He’d cracked them just a few minutes ago, yet he was already craving some sort of sensation again already. Toya snapped his head side to side, hoping for a crunch. Nothing. He twisted his back, managing a pop or two out of his abused spine.
Not enough.
Forcing himself to stand, and sway through the sudden darkness that overtook his vision, Toya cycled through a few of the stretches Shiraishi and Azusawa had taught him. He extended one arm out, palm up, pressed his other hand down against his fingers, and tilted his head away. His arm burned pleasantly, dulling the ache in his head for a few blissful seconds before it returned.
Wonderful.
The blue-haired boy tried everything. He stretched his legs until his calves couldn’t take any more pressure, pulled and stretched his arms into noodles, and he even managed to get his neck to finally crack.
Not enough.
Too much.
Everything itches.
It was like there were thousands of bugs crawling around beneath his skin, eating away at his rotten being, and no amount of movement or shifting or changing was going to fix it. Toya buried his hands in his hair, fingers twisting in the light and dark sides respectively. He tugged, instantly regretting it as his headache only worsened.
What was wrong with him?
Nothing was wrong.
Nothing should be wrong.
His day was fine. A few bumps, of course, but nothing that didn’t normally either go over his head (until Akito would explain that, no, those people were genuinely being unkind) or simply didn’t bother him. Why is it bothering him now? It’s nearly 22:30, and as heavenly as sleep sounded, Toya had the most bitter feeling that rest would allude him, try as he might to reach it. Is he just exhausted?
He doesn’t usually feel so empty when he’s tired though. Heavy, perhaps, but not empty. Not a husk. His brain feels like cotton. Toya isn’t sure when he sits down again, only that the air above him is too cold and the blankets below him are too hot. He dragged his hands down his face, only to rip them away and scratch at the nape of his neck when his hair settled incorrectly.
Ding!
Toya’s baleful gray eyes settled on his phone. He flipped his over, wincing at the harsh light of the screen. He’s never turned his brightness down faster.
[Akito🐱] yo
u up????
Toya debated not responding. He hadn’t opened the messaging app yet, so Akito would never know he saw his message, but something ugly and vile seemed to possess him as he tapped the notification.
I’m awake, yes. Do you need something?
He stared at the little typing bubbles, dread and anticipation swirling in his chest. It hurts physically. How could emotions hurt physically? More frustration, bordering on irrational anger spilled over Toya’s previous feelings.
[Akito🐱]
ur typing all grammerly and shit
whats up????????
Nothing. Tired.
[Akito🐱]
then go to sleep??????
Toya scowled, not at Akito, but himself...well, maybe a little at Akito. He wasn’t mad at him; he knows he’s just trying to help, but nothing made sense in the blue-haired boy’s head right now. He’s angry at everything. It’s exhausting, and that’s just making him angrier. His eyes burn like he needs to cry, but no tears spill over onto his cheeks.
I can’t.
[Akito🐱]
wellll...shit uh
youuuu wanna come over???????
The shock from the offer doused the flames that had begun to rise in Toya’s chest. Come over? Now? In almost the middle of the night? Toya shifted to sit up and stare down at the little digital words. He could. He wants to. The itching under his skin lessens, just slightly, at the thought.
I’ll be there in ten minutes.
He’s never rushed faster to put his overlayers back on, along with a pair of socks and his Converse. Toya didn’t bother grabbing anything else. He wouldn’t need it. In record time, he’d managed to make it to the Shinonome residence. Toya rasped his knuckles gently against the worn wooden door, though he had little need as Akito practically ripped it off its hingers a moment later.
The younger flushed in embarrassment. “’was trackin’ you getting here,” he mumbled, scratching at the back of neck.
“Stalker.”
“Okay, so, says you.”
Toya went to roll his eyes, but he was promptly grabbed by the wrist and dragged upstairs before he could make any kind of witty comeback. He turned to watch as Akito shut his door carefully, his back to Toya for just a moment before he was staring at the other boy, his olive eyes overshadowed by his furrowed brow.
“Spill. What’s wrong?” The ginger practically demanded, crossing his arms.
Toya hesitated. He wasn’t...entirely sure how to put into words what he was feeling. His head still ached. His entire body hurt. He’s conscious of how gross his mouth tastes. Everything is too much or not enough, the world is spinning, he needs to move, he needs to be still, he-
Two hands rested carefully on his shoulders.
The itching receded again.
Toya inhaled deeply, breathed out, then mumbled, “I think...I don’t know. I’m either overstimulated because too many things are happening at once, or I’m under stimulated and not enough is happening.” He braced himself a little inside for the joke about his autism Akito would normally make, but this time the younger stayed quiet. It wasn’t that Toya was used to Akito being unkind- quite the opposite. He just...can’t handle jokes right now. They wouldn’t feel like jokes.
“Is there...anything I can do?” Is what Akito said instead.
Was there? Nothing immediately came to mind.
Well...
Maybe one thing, but it’s something he doesn’t know how to ask for. It’s a topic he and Akito have conversed on several times, sometimes seriously, sometimes not. However, every time they’d get close to finally communicating a mutual want or assurance, they were interrupted. Granted, Toya knew he could’ve brought up what he wanted any time before now. He’d feel guilty making his request, horrible even because he knows Akito will cave to his desires even if he’s uncomfortable, but-
“I want you to hold me.”
The words poured out of his mouth like poison before he could stop them. It was the truth, but a truth he didn’t know how to broach, and he’d likely just done it in the stupidest possible way that he could’ve. Toya groaned inwardly. He was really about to beg for cuddles from his best friend, wasn’t he? Oh, what poor timing.
Akito blinked once. Twice. Then arched an eyebrow. “Seriously?” he prompted, “That’s all?”
“I- what else would I ask for?”
“I dunno! You looked so spooked that I was almost ready to hear that you needed to hide a body or somethin’!”
It was Toya’s turn to blink in confusion. “So... you’re fine with... what I’m requesting?”
The younger rolled his olive eyes, moving his hands down from the elder's shoulders to instead grab his hands and tug him over to his bed. “No, Toya, I’m so upset my dear partner is having a mental crisis and he wants a hug from me to fix it,” Akito deadpanned. His expression suddenly softened, a face saved for Toya and Toya alone. “Of course I’m okay with cuddling you.”
Toya opened his mouth to retort before he snapped his jaw shut. His earlier frustration has dissipated almost completely...and he hadn’t even noticed. His back hit Akito’s sheets softly; head tucked in the slight dip between his pillows. With careful guidance, and some back and forth shifting, the two boys managed to find a position comfortable for both of them. Toya's head was resting beneath Akito’s chin, his body laid on his side against the ginger. Both the younger’s arms had found their way around the blue-haired older. Toya, with some degree of nervousness, slung his own arms over Akito, allowing him to stretch out as he needed.
“Feeling better?” Akito prompted quietly.
“Yes...thank you. This is much, much better.” Despite the two of them still being just the slightest bit stiff, having never intentionally laid like this before, Toya felt contentment begin to replace the emptiness that had plagued him not long ago. He’s heard of this sort of condition. Touch starvation. The craving for physical contact after such a lack of it. He’s certainly considered coming to Akito about his problems before, but he’s never had a night this bad while the two of them have been partners. Perhaps the ginger had quelled his loneliness just enough to make him forget it for a time, but with them being so close, his very being demanded more.
Toya smiled into Akito’s collar. His lips parted to thank him, but the deep breaths leaving his partner made him hesitate. Akito was already asleep. Seems he wasn’t the only BAD DOG in desperate need of cuddles. There would certainly have to be another conversation between them tomorrow about this sort of thing, but for now...Toya closed his eyes, peace resting with him at last.