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Mel couldn’t breathe. This was the worst day of her life.
She knew that wasn’t really true. She had had far worse days. There was losing her mom. And then losing her dad too. And having to figure out how to manage a full time med school load while caring for Becca.
And she had even faced much worse days since moving to Pittsburgh. Her first day in the PTMC ER being chiefly among them. But usually, she got through days like this because she knew that she was helping someone, and that just made every bit of everything better.
But today was not going her way. She was still beyond stressed waiting for any updates on her malpractice case. And this morning, an older male patient refused to be seen by her because he “wasn’t going to be treated by a f*ing weirdo” (and he used the full cuss word!).
And worst of all, she’d had three separate instances where she was trying to take the next step to help a patient and was told by one of her senior doctors that she was doing something wrong.
And Mel never did things wrong. She was never over-confident in herself. She was always careful and always checked with her superiors when she had a question about the best course of care. So why were the decisions she was making that were supposed to be no-brainer, best practice choices suddenly all wrong?
Robby had snapped at her this last time. He had never done that before. Sure, she’d watched him yell at other residents and rationally she knew it wasn’t some devastating mark of her failure. But she had to force through the rest of her time with the patient with tear filled eyes and shaking hands and just praying to a God she wasn’t sure about that no one would ask her for anything else right then.
So that’s how Mel found herself here, at the bottom of the back stairwell that she didn’t think any of her fellow ER staff members would venture down. She hoped she had kept herself together until she was out of sight, because she was certain she looked like a complete mess since she passed through the stairwell doorway.
She felt her body push out sob after sob of hot tears and precious oxygen, but there was no breathing in to regulate herself.
Rationally, Mel knew she was fine. Knew that she must actually be breathing in. Because the human brain could only go about four minutes without oxygen before hypoxic brain damage, and she knew her body would never let that happen. And she knew she had the coping mechanisms to work herself down from this panic attack, or whatever you call this accumulation of her failures. But right now, she felt like she was drowning and she couldn’t remember how to swim.
Mel didn’t know how long she had been curled up at the bottom of the stairs when she heard the heavy door above push open. Gee, nothing could go her way today.
Mel was making a new effort to hold her breath. She didn’t feel like breathing was working for her anyway, so this was a last ditch effort to quiet her sobs in front of whatever poor soul needed to access the hospital basement right now.
“Dr. King,” she heard his voice above the roaring in her ears.
She looked up just as Dr. Langdon reached out a trepidatious hand to brush over her hair.
Mel buried her face back into her arms. One part of her was overjoyed that Langdon had come to find her. Firstly, she was happy that anyone at all cared enough to check on her. And mostly, she was happy it was her favorite person in the ER. Maybe one of her favorite people ever.
But that’s also what made this humiliating. Because she really admires Dr. Langdon. And she wants him to think that she is smart and capable. Wants him to think that he can rely on her. To trust her.
And right now, she was worthy of none of those things. But there was no way for her to catch her breath, even if she wanted to tell Langdon that he shouldn’t waste his time down here with her when there were much more important people to take care of.
But she didn’t want to do that anyway. And now Mel needed to add selfishness to her growing list of personal failures.
“It’s alright,” Langdon told her quietly. She could feel his presence kneel down to match her height. “You’re okay. Everything’s okay.”
His hand was on her shoulder now and she tried to focus on the small movements of his thumb as he tried to soothe her. Langdon stayed like that for a while, murmuring quiet affirmations even while she made no indication that she could hear him.
But it was helping, and Mel was incrementally quieting her sobs and regaining control of her respiration. She needed to wipe some of the tears and snot off her face before she dared to make eye contact with Langdon, but there were no tissues in this dusty stairwell and her attempts to wipe her face with her now grubby hands were throwing her into a sensory nightmare.
Langdon seemed to understand at least part of her plight as he searched his pockets before giving up and pulling off his scrub top. He was wearing only a wife beater underneath and Mel’s breath caught in her throat seeing the muscles of his broad shoulders and biceps in this new way. He must only wear a tank top and not a full undershirt because he gets sweaty, Mel thought.
“Here Mel,” he said as he pushed the fabric towards her face. Mel was trying to dodge him, trying to find her voice to tell him that she wasn’t going to get something of his all gross like that. But before she knew it, Langdon was practically blowing her nose for her and covering his shirt in her snot. Thank goodness they both worked in the ER and saw worse cases of bodily fluids on the daily.
Langdon carefully removed her glasses and did his best to clean her face before leaving his shirt aside. He took a minute to tuck the loose strands that had worked themselves free from her braid back behind her ears.
“You okay?” He asked her, his voice still just above a whisper.
Mel nodded shallowly at him.
“You’re okay,” he confirmed. “Everybody has bad days.”
And that made her want to cry again, because everyone did have bad days, but she was the only one having a breakdown in the stairwell. But she didn’t want to put Langdon through any more tears, so she squeezed up her eyes and nodded in agreement.
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
Mel shook her head no. She was so happy he was here, but there was nothing that she would have asked of him even if she could speak.
Langdon sighed next to her. He worked the back of his fingers over her cheek. “You know, I researched some other ways to help autistic patients?” he asked her lightly.
Mel figured he was trying to change the subject to distract her so she shrugged.
“After you taught me about it the first time, I realized I really didn’t know how to help, so I wanted to be ready for the next time somebody needed me.” She thought he said that last part with some extra emphasis, but maybe she was making that up. His fingers felt so soft on her face.
“Maybe you’d want to try one of the things I read about,” Langdon asked her cautiously. “Just in case it’d work for you too. And it would be good practice for me,” he winked at her.
He was so lovely. Mel wasn’t an idiot, she knew he was trying to be tactful. And although she had decided a long time ago to never expressly tell her colleagues that she was autistic, it was pretty easy to tell if you paid any attention. And Langdon paid attention to her.
Mel gave him a little nod.
“Good,” he gave her his award winning smile. “One thing we could try,” he continued, “maybe you would feel better with some pressure on your chest?”
That sounded nice. Mel knew what he was talking about, and that method helped her feel more calm when she’d lay in bed under her weighted blanket. But she had no clue how Langdon planned to do that now. She bit her thumb nail but still gave Langdon an unsure nod.
“Good,” he said again. Mel loved the way that simple word sounded from him.
Langdon positioned himself sitting on a low step and reached both arms out for her. “You come sit in my lap and I’m going to squeeze you really tight.”
Oh. That wasn’t what she expected.
But before Mel had enough time to think about how inappropriate it would be for her to straddle her handsome work superior, Langdon was tugging at her arms. So Mel let him guide her, and she positioned her knees to kneel outside his own on the stairs as he grabbed her hips to pull her closer.
Mel had never sat like this with a man, let alone gotten even close to it. It wasn’t Langdon’s intent, but she was quickly forgetting her anxieties as this warm floaty feeling rose from her stomach to her head.
Langdon pulled her body fully against his. She knew she must be sitting right on a very private part of his, but she did her best not to think about it. Langdon moved his hands up her back and over her arms to position her hands onto his strong shoulders. Mel let herself squeeze and feel his solidness. Langdon was strong and solid and steady. And he was there to be all of those things for Mel.
“That okay?” Langdon mumbled, but he was already working his arms back around her, enveloping her in a hug she never knew could feel so good.
Mel didn’t bother trying to answer and just hid her face in the crook of his neck. His skin felt soft and cool on her hot cheeks and she never wanted to leave.
Langdon closed his arms around her fully and squeezed her close. Mel felt the now familiar restriction of her airway, but this time it was different. This time it felt safe.
They sat like this for a while, Langdon alternating between tight squeezes and periods of running both his hands up and down her back.
Eventually, he moved one hand up to hold the back of her neck. “We really need to get back soon,” he said with gentle authority.
And no matter how much she hated it, Mel knew he was right, so she took her face out of the safety of his neck and gave him a nod. He smiled at her before finding her glasses and placing them back on her face.
“Can you talk for me, Mel?” He asked her.
Mel squeezed her eyes hard one last time and put all her energy towards being ready to be brave again.
“Yeah,” she said quietly. “I can speak.”
“There she is,” Langdon cooed at her. “My favorite resident is all ready to be helpful again.”
Mel doubted her cheeks could get any more red, but she knew she was totally blushing at that.
“We’ll go get back out there now and you’ll just work on cases with me for the rest of the day.”
And maybe today would turn out to be a good day for Mel.