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Tim jolted awake with a quiet gasp.
It has become routine by now. Three weeks since Lucy took a life, three weeks since his incompetence and failure to trust his senses landed her in a position where she had to choose between her life and someone else’s. Three weeks since she’d fallen into darkness that swallowed her whole. Three weeks of slow, back and forth progress.
Today was Lucy’s first day on the job. First day back in uniform. First day of carrying a loaded gun since she’s taken someone’s life in the line of duty. First day of existing as a supervisor instead of existing as just a girlfriend and a mom.
The nightmare was a recurring one – Lucy dead. One way or another, she would be dead by the time he found her. Or, even worse, she’d be gasping her last breaths when he came around, and he would feel her chest exhale one last time and her heart stop beating under his hands. Then, like a detached film from third person point of view – him at the morgue. Him picking out a coffin. Him and Scout standing in front of the hole in the ground that became Lucy’s new home. Scout being handed the US flag by Grey.
He squeezed his arms around Lucy first – safe, alive, warm. Asleep. He gives himself a few minutes before he slides out of bed, letting himself take comfort in the fact that his nightmare was just that, a nightmare. The glance at the clock gives him a sense of how early it was – barely 4:30AM. He sighed and grabbed an outfit before disappearing into the other bathroom for a quick change. When he walked out, Kojo was already at the door, ready for his morning jog with dad. He quickly clipped on the leash to his collar and slid out of the house.
The runs in the morning after he has a nightmare help him clear his thoughts and prepare for the day, listing in his head everything he had to get done that day. It was Monday – Scout had a game tonight, semifinals. She needed extra food and snacks to have packed today. It’s Lucy’s first day back at work too – he had to make sure her thermos was full of coffee and ready to go. She already packed up her uniform, clean and pressed, ready for the first day back. He made a mental note to slide in a granola bar she liked into the duffel bag, noting she hadn’t done that last night, the nerves probably getting to her. He had already developed a plan for the day – he’s going to ride with Lucy. Smitty would have to take charge, which horrified him but it was necessary.
It’s not that he didn’t trust Lucy, he did. But, much like himself, Lucy can sometimes push herself too hard and he didn’t want her falling off deeper into darkness if today was hard on her. He just… he needed to be close. Whether it was selfishness, worry or fear, he wasn’t sure, but it didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. It was already done. Plus, he had been crawling the walls since he became a watch commander again, missing being out on the streets and doing patrol. It would be a refresher for him too.
When he walked back into the house with Kojo, it was as still as he had left it. Lucy was still asleep, and so was Scout. He quickly slid into the other bathroom to shower and change, grateful that Scout was a hard sleeper and wouldn’t be woken up by his ruckus, whereas Lucy was a light sleeper nowadays, and he made the mistake of showering while she was asleep last Monday which resulted in her waking up at ass crack of dawn instead of taking much-needed rest.
His first stop was always Scout. He walked into her room, watching her small figure in bed – hair all over the place, one foot peeking out from under the comforter, mouth slightly parted as she hugged Bear-Bear to her chest, face relaxed. She had a few nightmares in these couple of weeks too – somehow it had become a perfectly oiled machine of events for Tim. Scout was first, nightmares usually plaguing her right as she falls into deep sleep. By the time he soothed her back into rest, whether by rocking her while carrying her around the house or just sitting with her, it would be Lucy’s turn. He’d hold her too, press kisses into her hair and let her cry herself to sleep. He’d get a few hours of shut-eye at most, and sometimes even that little time would be interrupted by his own terrors.
He sat down on the edge of her bed, the spot Kojo occupied throughout the night, and reached to cup her cheek gently,
“Baby bug,” he whispered softly, “Come on. It’s time to get up.”
The little girl grumbled, then whined, burrowing her face into the pillow and curling in on herself, making him smile every time without fail. When he was her age, his mornings sometimes came with broken bottles and yells. He never had the luxury of being a little grumbly when he was woken up. The fact that Scout felt safe enough to be just that made his heart warm every time.
Once he ensured she was awake, he told her he’s gonna be in the kitchen before sliding out of the room. Scout could notice something was going on with her dada – the heaviness in his step, the shake in his voice. His eyes seemed tired, not in the way they were sometimes after a long shift and lots of big, important meetings, but in the way that indicated he hadn’t gotten enough sleep. She quietly slid out of the bed, one hand rubbing sleep out of her eyes, the other holding Bear-Bear by the paw, as she padded out barefoot. Kojo, who had entered alongside Tim, had pattered out of the room when she slid out of bed, and she knew where he’d disappeared to – his usual post. Lucy.
She walked out into the hallway and glanced to her right – Tim was in the kitchen, she guessed. She could hear the buttons sounding on the coffee machine, the fridge being opened, the soft clank of the dishes. Then, she looked to her left. The door to the master bedroom was ajar enough for her to be able peek in if she wanted to. Her little heart squeezed because she wanted to be in the two places at the same time – she wanted to hug her dada and tell him that whatever he saw in his dreams wasn’t real, but she also wanted to check in on mama. It was her first day back at work today, and she knew how quiet she’d gotten last night.
She opted to go to her left, thinking that she’d just peek in. If her mama asked for space, she’d give her space. She was no stranger to it, and she didn’t took it to heart – she knew that mama wasn’t doing it on purpose, but because she truly needed it.
She stepped into the bedroom and smiled quietly. Kojo was at the foot of the bed, and Lucy was hiding under the covers. Literally hiding under them. She could see the outline of her from where she stood, so she decided to step into the room and round the bed until she stood on Tim’s side, that was now empty. She carefully lifted the cover, just enough so she could peek, and her brown eyes met Lucy’s. She seemed a little distant, not in a way she was before, but in a way that spoke of insecurity, fear. Her head was rolled into the direction of Tim’s side of the bed, as if she was longing for his presence already, even though he was down the hallway,
“Good morning, mama,” Scout whispered carefully, making her smile softly. She reached her left hand out, a silent invitation Scout gladly took. The little girl climbed under the covers, not disturbing the cocoon of safety Lucy had thrown over herself. It was one of many things she’d been doing lately, in desperate attempts to protect herself from the outside world. These morning cuddles under the covers became Scout’s favorite, especially when dada was involved too. She slotted herself against Lucy’s side, Bear-Bear squished between them, tiny hands clutching at her pajama, “Sleep okay?”
“Mhm,” Lucy nodded quietly, rubbing gentle circles on Scout’s back, “You?”
“Yea,” she nodded, “Are you scared?”
“A little,” Lucy admitted quietly, “It feels… weird in my tummy.”
“Weird’s okay,” Scout reassured her, the way she had been reassured by her mama and dada countless of times before, “Dada’s gonna help.”
As if on cue, the door creaked open and they fell into silence, listening to the three steps that grew closer before dying down. They heard the shuffle of Tim’s jacket and felt the hesitance hang in the air, as if he was weighing if he should wake Lucy up or let her take this day off too,
“Don’t worry, I’m up,” Lucy spoke up softly,
“I don’t know, you look pretty horizontal to me,” Tim’s voice rang, making her huff as she threw the covers off herself and Scout. Tim’s eyes widened in surprise, seeing the little girl had wormed her way into the bed as well, but his heart warmed too – if Scout was there, that means Lucy wanted her there. Which meant that she wasn’t shutting down on them because of what today brought. He watched her sit up in bed and run a hand over her forehead, her daughter sitting up right after her and wrapping her tiny arms around her torso. Lucy let her, wrapping her left arm around her and keeping her close,
“You know, it’s okay if you’re not ready,” Tim pointed out, “What you went through is deeply traumatic, and it doesn’t just… go away after a few weeks.”
“This would’ve been so much easier to process if he was some kind of a hardcore criminal,” she admitted, repeating herself for the umpteenth time. She’d said those words before, in therapy, to Tim – so many times. It was true, and it didn’t make this any easier on her either. Because Martin wasn’t just another criminal. He was a regular man who found himself in the wrong place at the wrong time and paid the price no ordinary person ever should,
“I-I get it,” Tim stammered, immediately walking over and sitting on the side of the bed, reaching for Lucy’s hand, “But it doesn’t matter, okay?” he continued as she took his hand, and he squeezed it gently, “In the moment, Martin was a homicidal maniac. If you hadn’t acted… I was gonna spend the last couple weeks picking out a coffin. We would be putting your body into the ground, and I know it sounds selfish and it’s complicated for you, but for me it’s pretty simple – you’re alive because you did what you had to do to stay that way.”
Lucy’s heart stuttered at that, noticing the way Tim spoke of it – how his eyes flashed something more than this being just his brain going through the possibilities. As if he’d lived through it, in a way. The realization dawned on her then – the crack in Tim’s voice, the way Scout’s arms tightened around her torso. She hasn’t had nearly enough strength to pay attention to her people, to her family. They had shown up for her time and time again, every day without fail, and she never once thought about how taxing this must’ve been on the two of them.
Suddenly, she remembered that day – Tim coming out to meet them right before they drove out to patrol, telling her he had a bad feeling, asking to ride with her. She brushed him off because she truly didn’t feel like anything could’ve gone wrong. She was so naïve to think so, but she realized that Tim must’ve carried guilt too. That a part of him believed that this would’ve played out differently if he came along. Her heart clenched even harder then as she looked down at the little girl. She burrowed her face into Lucy’s side, growing small within seconds. As if she’d seen that alternate universe herself – the one where her mama hadn’t come home.
She couldn’t find strength to ask for more, to talk more about it. Instead, she squeezed Scout closer and tapped Tim’s hand, the reassurance in form of their silent language they’ve mastered over months since they started dating again. It was a promise she made, to herself most of all – to check in. Maybe not right now, but later. When she feels a bit more steadier. She lowered to press a kiss to the top of Scout’s head and then lifted her and Tim’s hand that were still joined together, pressing kisses to his knuckles,
“Okay,” she whispered, “I need a shower and coffee. And breakfast.”
“Go take a shower,” Tim told her with a warm smile, “I’ll take care of the rest.”
“And Tim?” Lucy called, not letting go of his hand as he went to stand up. He hummed, lowering himself back down, covering her hand with his other one, “You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll pull my own weight.”
“I know. You can and you will,” he reassured her, because it was never about not believing in Lucy, “But what I want from you is the truth. Don’t push yourself to failure. Cause it’s the kind of failure that gets cops killed.”
Lucy nodded, and Tim leaned forward, pressing a kiss to her lips.
After that, the three scattered around the house – Lucy disappearing into the bathroom while Tim went back to the kitchen. Scout, for her part, went to her room and picked a shirt and a pair of pants she wanted to wear, but before she went to change, she made a stop at her desk, sliding onto her chair with ease. She picked up a piece of yellow paper she had in her drawer, and a black pen, tapping her chin with it for a moment, deep in thought, before she began writing:
I know your job is big, hard and scary sometimes, but you are the strongest, prettiest flower I know. Cause you always try to grow and you’re brave and you show up even when it’s hard. You love super big and you help people and you make the world safe and good for me and dada and Kojo and everyone else.
If your day is hard you can remember that I’m the little flower cheering on you to grow cause I love you super big and I’m super proud of you.
Love, Scout.
She folded the piece of paper and slid out of her seat, quickly padding over to the kitchen with her clothes thrown over her little shoulder. She found Tim at the stove, flipping bacon, his face a little surprised to see her still in her pajamas,
“Hey, bug,” he smiled, “What’s up?”
“Can you put this in mama’s bag?” Scout whispered and Tim’s heart melted a little,
“Wrote her a note for her first day back?” he asked, taking the piece of paper from her,
“Yea,” she nodded, “Just to remind her she’s brave, and strong, and safe. And that I love her super big.”
“I’m sure she’ll appreciate that,” Tim said, lowering to press a kiss to the top of her head, “Thanks for thinking of her.”
“Am always thinkin’ of her,” Scout pointed out, “I just want her to know.”
“And she always knows how much you care,” he reassured her, “But to be reminded like this helps too.”
The changing room at the station felt as busy as always – and for once, Lucy welcomed the noise instead of trying to block it out. She twisted the lock on the door before sliding it open, memories adorning her locker warming her heart. She had a picture of her starlight and Kojo, then one of her with Tim, courtesy of Scout, and then a bunch of others with Celina, Aaron, Tamara. She had little trinkets, magnets Scout would pick for her, some of her and Tim’s notes she’d find in her bag at random times.
She opened her duffel bag and stopped at the sight of a yellow paper, folded carefully. Her heart stuttered, the reminder of how loved she was hitting her like a wave. She knew she was loved, she never doubted it. She had spent a few days wondering if she deserved that, but she was past that now. She reached for the paper and opened it, reading the words in the little handwriting that had been growing steadier and clearer with every new note she’d get.
She read the note once, then again, and then again, each time slowing down a little more, tracing the letters on the page. She held the piece of paper tightly in one hand, trying to hold onto it as if it was her anchor, which was true to some extent – Scout’s words, small, carefully chosen and real truly felt like an anchor amidst the storm she was battling. Her throat tightened and something heavy settled in her chest, but for once, it wasn’t the feeling of regret, pain, hurt or doubt. It was just love pouring out of the paper, through every word Scout had written down.
She never quite got over the fact that Scout chose to compare her mama to flowers. She’d done that multiple times, and it made her heart stutter every time without fail. She wasn’t sure why she chose flowers, although she does have an affinity for them, and loves receiving them as a gift, but she wasn’t sure if that was the only reason. She often said that the colors Lucy wore were soft and gentle like the colors flowers wore. There was something Scout saw in her that was worthy of being compared to one of nature’s prettiest gifts, and the implications made her melt.
She noticed the way the word brave seemed to be bolded, in a way. Scout had probably pressed harder with the pencil there, as if wanting to make sure that it stood out, wanting her mama to know that she still saw her as someone brave, despite all the hardships she’d gone through.
The showing up part made her throat tighten, because Lucy’s effort was seen. Scout had seen that she tried. She wasn’t perfect, she failed sometimes, sometimes she shook, sometimes she cried, and she needed help every time without fail, but it still mattered to Scout. She still found it brave and admirable. That undid her a little – the knowledge that her little girl saw something as powerful as bravery in her, even after everything.
I’m the little flower cherring on you to grow.
Lucy let out a soft laugh at that, shaking her head gently,
“Of course you are,” she whispered, remembering their conversation from a few days back, when Lucy had told her about the flowers she found, and how the big ones help the small ones to grow and vice versa. Of course her tiny, stubborn, loving little girl had decided with zero hesitation and zero doubt that her mama was someone worthy of showing up for, someone worthy of standing beside, worth cheering for, worth loving through everything.
She didn’t put the note back in the bag.
Instead, she slid on her uniform, and folded the note until it was small enough to fit in the pocket of her uniform. She slid it in, straightening the uniform, and tapped it once before walking out of the roll-call room. Maybe tomorrow she’d place it to stand up somewhere on her locker. But for today, she wanted to carry the reminder with her. To have something to hold on to if things got heavy – quiet, yet fierce love of her little flower pressed against her heart.
When Scout stepped out onto the field, she was as enthusiastic and excited as ever. Semi finals for the second year in a row were a big deal for this tournament. She bounced out with the same excitement she always carried, in full gear, with her backpack and duffel in tow. She spotted Tim, Lucy and Kojo in the same spot they always were, but her brows furrowed. They felt... different. Not in the way that meant something bad had happened, just... different. They were... clinging to one another. Similarly to last week. She wanted to write it off as her dada just being supportive of mama after her first day at work, but it still didn't look like it. Sure, she could see pride in the way Tim sat, but there was more to it.
She walked over to the fence with her water bottle in hand, seeing Tim nudge Lucy gently with his nose that had been burrowed into her hair. She smiled, squeezing his hand where they rested on her lap and stood up, walking down a few steps to meet Scout at the fence,
"Are you and dada okay?" Scout asked, brows furrowed a little. Lucy smiled and nodded, reaching to cover Scout's where it rested on the fence, holding herself up on it,
"More than okay, starlight," Lucy reassured her, "We had some issues at work but we talked and we're more than okay now. We'll talk when you finish your game, okay baby?"
"Okay," Scout nodded, fully trusting her mama, "Thanks for coming."
"Wouldn't miss it for the world," she smiled, reaching to press a kiss to her forehead, "Go kick butt out there."
Scout nodded, beaming as she jumped off the fence and ran back to the bench, huddling between other kids on the team. Lucy watched her bounce off before walking over to Tim. She sat back down in her spot, Tim's arm open and inviting. He wrapped it around her shoulders, bringing her into his side, pressing a kiss to her temple,
“She okay?” he asked and she chuckled, nodding,
“She saw us like this and thought something happened,” she said,
“Well, something did happen,” he pointed out, “That kid knows too much for her age. How did she even notice?”
“Well, maybe it’s the fact that you’re the clingiest man known to earth right now,” Lucy sassed, making his mouth fall open in mock offense,
“Is that so?” he teased, pulling her closer, “I don’t see you complaining.”
“That’s cause I’m not. Can I… can I say something without you pushing it off?”
“Of course,” he nodded, turning his head to look at her,
“I’m… I’m really proud of… us. How we handled today. We weren’t perfect and we both messed up, but we… we talked. We didn’t shut each other out.”
“When I said not a single thought I’ll keep to myself, I meant it,” he said, making her head drop in a chuckle, “But yeah. I’m glad that we could talk about it.”
“I do want to talk more after the game,” she pointed out, reaching to rest one hand over his heartbeat, “But… for now, this makes me really happy. And thanks for making me laugh on patrol today.”
“Oh, so my blood pressure spike because of Smitty was a laughing matter to you?” he said in mock offense, “Alright, I see how it is.”
Lucy dissolved into giggles, burrowing into his side. His heart flipped excitedly at the sound, head lowering to press kisses into her hair,
“Always, Luce.”
“How was your day at work, mama?” Scout asked as she broke the hug with Lucy, looking up at her through her wild, messy hair. Her team had won and she played her heart out on the field, like always, making both her parents proud,
“It was… a day,” Lucy smiled, wrapping her arms around Scout’s shoulders while Tim carried Scout’s backpack and duffel, one hand holding the tote bag of drinks and snacks they brought and the other holding onto Kojo’s leash,
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Scout asked with a frown,
“Well, first of all I want to say thank you for your note,” she began, “It really helped me and I put it up on my locker. So I always have a reminder with me now, that I’m doing something good, and that I’m coming home to something as equally good.”
Scout smiled at that, proud of her mama for acknowledging that she can still be good even after what happened,
“Your dada wanted to ride with me today,” she continued, the three sliding into the truck with ease, Scout helping buckle Kojo up before she did that for herself, while Lucy buckled herself up in the front seat,
“But does that mean Smitty was in charge?” Scout frowned, looking at Tim, “Dadaaaa…” she trailed off, already knowing that was a disaster,
“Yes, but I had no other choice!” he exclaimed, his hands in the air in self-defense, “I thought I figured out a way to keep him at bay too…” he grumbled, putting the truck in drive and pulling out of his parking spot as Lucy giggled,
“Okay, so, your dada here thought it’d be a great idea if he used a nanny cam on Smitty.”
“Nanny cam?” Scout frowned, “Dada, you don’t even use nanny cam for Kojo or me.”
“That’s because I know you both will behave, unlike that poor excuse for a cop,” Tim mumbled, making Scout snort,
“Well, Tim set up the cam, and after Smitty realized where the camera was, which, Tim, what was that positioning? It was so obvious!”
“Did you have a better idea?!” he exclaimed, Scout toppling over in giggles,
“I would’ve put it between the cushions of the couch thing!” she said, “That way, it covered the entire wall there!”
“That’s…” he trailed off, groaning as he smacked the steering wheel in annoyance, “Smart.”
“Mama’s super smart, dada,” Scout pointed out, “Ask her next time!”
“I’m babyproofing the whole office next time,” Tim said, “He broke my stapler! Stapler! How does one break a stapler!?!”
“You’re just upset he played you,” Lucy pointed out and Scout gasped,
“Dada! Not Smitty!” she said, utter disappointment in her expression,
“Yes, Smitty!” Lucy laughed, “Smitty realized where the camera was, he printed a picture of himself sitting at the desk looking at the laptop and taped it close to the camera. Tim thought the feed was frozen!”
“Dadaaaaaa!” Scout face-palmed herself as she melted into the seat, “That’s not how cameras work!”
“I know!” he exclaimed, tips of his ears pink from embarrassment, “I can’t believe I fell for Smitty’s trick.”
“It’s a good thing you stayed in the station for the remainder of the shift after that,” Lucy pointed out, Scout frowning,
“Wait, I thought you and dada were working together today.”
“Yeah…” Lucy trailed off, a sad smile forming on her face, “When we came back from a call we took, uh… the sister of the man I killed showed up. She uh, she wanted to know why I did it. And… that’s kind of when your dada and I got into an argument.”
“Why?” Scout frowned,
“Because I blurred the lines between boyfriend and watch commander,” Tim said,
“And I disobeyed a direct order,” Lucy added, “But it’s okay, starlight. We talked about it and we’re okay.”
“So… no twisty tummies?” she asked, wanting to make sure everything was okay, “Like, dada isn’t feeling sad?”
“Nope,” he shook his head,
“And mama isn’t feeling bad?”
“No,” Lucy reassured her,
“Okay,” Scout nodded with a smile, “I’m happy that you talked. And that you’re okay. And smiling big.”
“Thank you, baby,” Lucy smiled, “Now, what are we thinking for dinner?”
Tim walked the hallway of Scout’s school in full uniform – not a sight the front desk people expected from him. He was usually in his plain clothes, coming to pick up Scout at his usual time. He explained to them that he needed to do an early pick-up this time, and they let him, having no issue in letting a dad pick up their kid early.
He knocked on the door of Scout’s classroom before entering. Ms. Alvarez greeted him, and Tim nodded in return,
“Hi. Would it be too much trouble to let Scout out now?” he asked, checking his watch, “It’s only 30 minutes.”
“No issue at all,” Ms. Alvarez nodded, looking back at Scout, “You can pack your stuff, and I’ll grab the homework packet for you, okay?” she said and Scout nodded, eyes growing worried as Tim walked over to her desk, helping her pack up,
“Is mama okay?” she asked, voice quiet,
“She’s safe,” he reassured her, “I just think you might be able to help her with that other part.”
Scout nodded, taking the homework packet Ms. Alvarez brought and sliding it into the corresponding folder, before putting it in her backpack and zipping it up. Tim swung it over his shoulder and took Scout’s hand with his left one and they walked out, Scout politely saying goodbye while Tim again thanked Ms. Alvarez for being generous. They walked out of the school and toward Tim’s truck, Scout’s hand squeezing his bigger one. They didn’t talk much on the way back to the station, and when Tim pulled up in the parking lot, Scout unbuckled her seatbelt and slid forward and saw her mama.
She was talking to another woman, and one thing was clear as day – her mama was crying,
“Mama!” Scout breathed, about to scramble her way out of the truck and run toward her, but Tim’s hand gently squeezed hers,
“Wait,” he told her, “Don’t go out just yet.”
“But dada, mama’s crying!” Scout frowned, “She-Mama said she doesn’t wanna be alone when she cries!”
“I know,” he nodded, “But that conversation is something she has to do on her own, bug. We’ll be here for the aftermath of it.”
Scout gulped, but nodded, trusting her dada’s words. She knew he’d never ever deny Lucy of anything she might need, and she knew that he’d never stop her from loving her mama. So, they sat in the truck, Scout leaned over the center console, watching the scene unfold,
“Do you think mama doubts herself?” she asked quietly, “Like, if she’s still good?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted honestly, “I do know she handled herself yesterday better than I did. And I think that she’s slowly gaining that confidence of being good back. She’s gaining a little bit of it back right now.”
“Even if she’s crying?” Scout asked, a little confused,
“Yeah,” Tim reassured her, “Even if she’s crying.”
“What’d you mean by mama handling herself better than you?” Scout asked then, looking at him. Tim took a deep breath, leaning his head against the headrest of his truck,
“I… that day, I had a bad feeling. And I told Lucy about it, I asked to ride with her, but she said she’ll be fine and I trusted her. I… I could’ve stopped it.”
“You don’t know that,” Scout pointed out,
“No, I don’t, but… I still believe I would’ve stopped it,” he admitted, “I… I wouldn’t have let her out of my sight. She wouldn’t have been in that position. I didn’t listen to my gut and… now she’s here.”
“Mama wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for that, dada,” Scout said then, brows furrowing a little. Tim stayed quiet for a moment, because Scout was right. Lucy wouldn’t want him to beat himself up over it, to keep thinking of the what-ifs. But he couldn’t help it – the fact that she had her sunshine taken away from her by the cruelty of the job. He knew he won’t be able to protect her from everything, but if there was one thing he wished to protect her from, it was this. Taking a life on duty is never easy to come back from, and it was all the more harder because Lucy’s empathy is her biggest strength and biggest curse at the same time. He wished he had a time machine, to rewind just back to that day. Just to keep her safe. Just to make sure that, if someone had to take a life, it would’ve been him,
“You’re right about that.”
“But you still blame yourself,” Scout said, tilting her head. Tim nodded, letting out a quiet breath,
“Yeah.”
Scout stayed quiet for a moment, gaze moving back to Lucy. She could see the tears on her cheeks clear as day, she could see the way she kept reaching for her left side, the way she gestured with her right hand. She could feel that, whatever the conversation was about, it was hard and probably related to what happened a few weeks ago. Her heart squeezed a little because that’s her mama. And she’s been through enough tears and twisty tummies and she wished she could just keep mama safe for a while, in some sort of a bubble that didn’t ask for anything and didn’t demand anything,
“Is mama doing a brave thing?” she asked, and Tim nodded,
“Yeah,” he whispered, “She’s talking about it with his sister. She wanted to do that. To tell her the truth. Said that she deserves to know.”
“She does,” Scout agreed, “And you’re also doing a brave thing too, dada,” she pointed out. Tim’s brows furrowed in confusion as he turned to look at her,
“How come?”
“Cause you’re letting mama do this alone,” she said, “You’re not there with her. You believe in her.”
“I…” he trailed off, “I always believe in her. It was never about not believing her.”
“…oh,” Scout realized then, “It’s cause you wanna protect her. Cause you did that all the time.”
“I… yeah,” he sighed, sagging back into his seat, “Yet I keep failing to do that for one half of my heart.”
“Who’s the other half?” she asked then, “If mama is one half, what’s the other half? Cause a half and a half make a whole.”
Tim smiled, looking back at her, “It’s you, bug.”
Scout stammered at that, her little brain malfunctioning for a moment. Then, she broke out into a smile, throwing her little arms around his neck. He pulled her over the center console and sat her up on his lap, the little girl burrowing into his uniform, trying to wrap her arms around his humongous form,
“You’re all stiffy,” she grumbled, poking at his tummy, “I don’t like that.”
“That’s my vest, bug,” he chuckled, “It keeps me safe from bullets.”
“…oh,” she whispered, “Then I like it lots. Cause it keeps you safe and it makes sure you come home. Does mama wear one too?” she asked, looking up to meet his gaze,
“Everyone does,” he confirmed, and she nodded, thinking for a moment before speaking again,
“Okay. But still stiffy,” she said, “I like your tummy better when it’s soft.”
“My tummy isn’t soft,” he protested, “I work out!”
“Still soft,” she mumbled, leaning into his chest, “I love you, dada.”
“I love you too, bug,” he chuckled, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, “I’m sorry I pulled you out of school without asking you first.”
“It’s okay,” she said, “It’s for mama. I’ll do anything for mama.”
Tim smiled at that, squeezing Scout closer. They stayed quiet for a few more minutes, until he saw Martin’s sister rise from her seat, exchange a hug with Lucy and walk away. Lucy stayed frozen in her seat, and Tim picked Scout up off his lap and slid her into the passenger seat,
“Go hug mama,” he instructed simply, and Scout’ head popped up, checking to see if the lady Lucy was talking to went away. A second later, she’s scrambling off of Tim’s lap, swinging the door open and jumping out of the truck, bolting toward her,
“Mama!” she exclaimed, little voice cracking. Lucy’s head lifted and she didn’t even have time to react before Scout slammed into her, little arms wrapping around her and burrowing into her. She gasped, wrapping her arms around Scout,
“I-Hi, baby,” she stammered, confused, “What? How did you…”
“I picked her up early,” Tim said, walking over to the two, “Thought you might need some of your starlight after that.”
“I…” she trailed off, looking at him, “You wouldn’t have done this for any other officer under your command.”
“No,” he agreed, “I would’ve sent them home instead.”
Lucy held onto Scout a little tighter at that, processing what Tim said. He knew she would take a toll on her. He knew she would have struggles going back out to finish her shift after tearing her heart open, reliving that whole moment, explaining herself that she truly didn’t have choice. But, instead of making a choice for her – instead of benching her, or forcing her to clock out early, he did something else. He brought support to her, instead. He brought Scout, knowing that a little girl would be able to give her the kindness and love she needed to keep herself up for the remainder of the shift, until he was out of uniform and ready to be her boyfriend instead of her watch commander.
She exhaled slowly, reaching to wipe the tears from her cheeks and nodded,
“Okay,” she whispered, sitting up a little taller. Scout looked up at her mama, searching her face, trying to gauge what she needed most. Lucy looked down at her, giving her a small smile, “I’m okay, starlight.”
Scout studied her for another moment before nodding, and then Lucy stood up, shifting her hand to hold Scout’s, lacing their fingers together,
“Let’s go inside,” she said, “I got some paperwork to take care of.”
Tim let his ladies lead the way, opening the door to the station for them, letting them walk in first. A few officers sent glances their way but neither of them cared. Scout stayed glued to her mama’s side, never letting go of her hand. Tim walked over to Lucy’s desk with them, ensuring they were settled before walking away to his office and sitting down in his chair with a quiet sigh.
As he sorted through the paperwork on his desk, he kept glancing up to where Lucy and Scout sat. The little girl had busied herself with a coloring book Lucy kept in the drawer of her desk, alongside a set of colored pencils, just one of many things that had found their way into their desks since welcoming Scout in their lives. Lucy, for her part, worked on her paperwork as well, signing everything off, filling up the reports. Once she’d finish a file, she would send the postal service bug to deliver it to her dada, and she always did as told with the biggest smile on her face, earning a smooch from Tim as a paycheck.
Sometimes, his and Lucy’s eyes would meet – and her smile would unclench something in his chest a little every time. It wasn’t forced or stiff – it was gentle, reassuring in a way. A silent I’ll be okay for him, even though he already knew that she would be. He would never not trust her. Not after everything she had fought her way through. Not after the way she kept choosing to stand in the middle of something hard instead of running from it. Not after watching her tear a piece of her trauma open just so she could give closure to someone she didn’t really know.
Scout sat beside her mama, legs swinging lightly as she colored a new page in. Every now and then, she would lean into Lucy’s side without even thinking it, and Lucy would always respond – wrap her arm around Scout, ruffle her hair, press a kiss to the top of her head, while she worked through the paperwork. And Scout noticed everything. She was her mama’s little detective, as Lucy often called her, and today was no different than any other day.
She noticed that mama was okay. Not fully sparkly yet, but not dim either. It was somewhere in between, and that was a nice kind of new. She saw the way her hand was sure when she wrote things down, the way she slid back into her role with ease. The way her shoulders didn’t curl inward anymore. The way she wouldn’t shrink when officers passed by her. The way she smiled when she was talking to Celina, the way she chuckled when Penn came up to her desk and asked to borrow Scout for a ‘totally not super secret op to the break room’.
She came back with three things – one milky way bar for herself, one granola bar her mama liked, and one her dada liked. She handed the bar to mama first, telling her she needs her fuel, before skipping her way through the bullpen and walking into her dada’s office. He melted on the spot when she handed him the bar, and reached to wrap an arm around her, hugging her close and pressing a kiss into her hair.
Scout liked the kind of brave she saw her mama do. The kind that didn’t mean loudness, or doing something big, something that required a lot of chaos, running, yelling, but the kind that meant something quiet, steady. She thought bravery was something loud and big, something that made others feel small. It was with her parents that she learnt what being brave truly meant. And it was with them that she learnt that she could be brave too. She didn’t believe in that before. People would often call her a coward because she didn’t like the loud sounds, and she flinched away from hurt instead of welcoming it. But now, she knew that bravery came in all shapes and forms, and she admired her mama for how brave she was being right now.
On the other side of the bullpen, she’d notice her dada lifting his gaze up toward them too. She’d notice the way his and mama’s eyes met, how she’d smile at him, and how he’d nod, at her, or to himself, Scout wasn’t sure, but whatever it was didn’t matter because it seemed like his shoulders relaxed just a little more before he continued with his work. Scout would smile a little to herself too then, realizing that they were okay.
Her mama was okay. Her dada knew it. And she knew it too.
Later that night, while Tim was in the shower, Lucy called Scout over to join her under the comforter yet again, the little girl full of giggles as she crawled under them,
“Hi, mama!” she said happily, “I missed ya!”
“I’ve been gone for half an hour,” Lucy teased, reaching to wrap her arms around Scout and pull her closer, pressing a kiss into her hair, “You silly.”
“Half an hour is forever!” she pointed out,
“You learnt this from Tim, didn’t you?” Lucy asked, a smile on her face,
“Maaaaybe,” Scout drew out,
“That’s not a maybe, that’s a yes,” Lucy pointed out, “Your dada is the clingiest man on the planet. But I love it. Anyways, I wanted to ask you something.”
“Okay,” Scout nodded, her face turning a little more serious,
“I… I know that what happened a few weeks ago scared you too,” Lucy began, “I know I wasn’t myself for a while, and that it must’ve been scary for you to see me like that.”
“It… was scary,” Scout nodded, voice growing small, “But I wasn’t scared of you, mama. I was just really scared cause of what that did to you and I didn’t like how you didn’t sparkle anymore.”
“Yeah,” Lucy nodded with a sad smile, “I wanted to tell you that I’m very thankful that you gave me space and time to come back from that. That you respected my boundaries. I know you talked to dada about your fears and twisty tummies, but I want you to know that I’m ready to be someone who does that for you too again. And that applies to everything, not just things that aren’t related to what happened. I appreciate how gentle and careful you were with me.”
“I asked dada how to help you,” Scout admitted, reaching to grab a fistful of her shirt, “And he said we can help with loving you big and giving you space and showing up when you ask.”
“That’s… true,” Lucy nodded, one hand coming up to push a few strands of hair away from Scout’s forehead,
“I didn’t know if I was doing it right,” she admitted, “Cause I kept wanting to hug you really big but I didn’t know if you wanted hugs so I didn’t do anything. And sometimes I wanted to talk to you but you looked tired or sad, so… I waited.”
Lucy closed her eyes for a second, pressing her lips into Scout’s hair,
“You did it perfectly,” she reassured her,
“Really?” Scout asked, looking up to meet her eyes,
“Really,” Lucy nodded, “You listened to your dada. You paid attention. You gave me what I needed even when it was hard for you.”
“It was hard,” she agreed, “Cause I love you super duper big and I wanted to fix it.”
“I know, baby,” she said softly, “And that’s the thing – you don’t have to fix everything. Sometimes just staying and loving someone through it is enough. But you don’t have to be careful with me anymore, okay? You can hug me, talk to me, do everything you always do. You don’t have to hold things away from me to protect me anymore. Tell me – did you talk with dada about things?”
“Yea,” Scout nodded, “He would come when I had nightmares. He rocked me to sleep sometimes. And sometimes dada would feel heavy too. Cause he didn’t know if he was doing good work. And cause he wanted to hold you but he knew you didn’t want that. Dada and I took care of each other.”
Lucy’s heart squeezed at that, and she nodded, pressing a kiss to Scout’s forehead,
“That’s… good,” she murmured, “I’m glad you did.”
“Mama?” Scout asked after a while, Lucy humming in response, “You’re not gonna go away like that again, right? Like… not sparkly?”
Lucy didn’t answer immediately, because the answer was tricky. She couldn’t promise Scout that circumstances won’t repeat, that would be unfair to the little girl who clung onto promises like a lifeline,
“I might have hard days again,” Lucy began, “Days where I feel sad or tired or not like myself. But I’m not going anywhere. No matter what happens, I’ll still be your mama. Nothing will ever be able to take that away from me. The love I hold for you, for Tim? That’s never going to be taken from me.”
“That’s good,” Scout nodded, “Cause it means we can give you love and sparkle even if you lose that again. Right?”
“That’s right,” she smiled, and Scout nodded again before burrowing herself into her mama’s side.
When Tim peeked under the covers a while later, Scout was already fast asleep in her mama’s side. He asked Lucy if she wanted him to take Scout to her bed, but Lucy refused, her arms tightening a little more around the little girl. He chuckled, sliding into the bed, remaining completely under the covers, the way she liked it.
They talked about things then. About how much this hurt Tim, about how he coped, about his nightmares, his doubts, his fears. Lucy opened up too, admitting to things she was too scared to say before, noting how proud she was of them both for figuring things out and talking instead of shutting down and disappearing on one another.
They fell asleep like that, under the cocoon of Lucy’s safe space.
Once upon a time, she firmly believed that this corner of her world, the one with the comforter over her head, in her bed, would be hers only. That she would never find people who would feel safe enough for her heart to even show this side of herself, let alone let someone in.
But now, as she watched Tim’s eyes slip closed under the weight of tiredness, and Scout’s little hand clutching at her pajama top, she realized how much things changed in just a few short years. That the space she once guarded has grown with her – allowing other people into it as well. It was still hers, and the people who had been let in respected it in ways she always wished it would be.