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The consistent rapid impacts of the rain, the midnight breeze blowing away loose ash, and the acrid warmth of the cigarette smoke filling and leaving my lungs was therapeutic, as comforting as anything could be in this kind of life.
The city below was as active as usual, a constant stream of cars filled the night air with noise and the smell of exhaust fumes. Even with the storm the occasional pedestrian passed along the pavement, either running trying to get out of the rain as fast as possible or the few lucky souls who thought to bring an umbrella walking briskly to wherever their destination was.
As my cigarette reached its end, stubbing it out on the ashtray placed precariously on the balcony’s railing, I took a deep breath, debating going to bed but calm nights and mornings off were a rare combination I didn’t want to lose out on.
Though maybe if I bothered to go out rather than sit at home I’d be able to enjoy these kind of days more I thought to myself as I reached down and grabbed a beer from the case I brought out with me from the fridge. Cracking it open and taking a deep chug, sighing with relief as the chilled nectar of life that was a cheap shitty lager graced my throat with all the healing effects a health potion from some rpg.
It was hard to make out anything identifiable from the passer-bys from the sixth floor but people watching was as good a hobby as any, sometimes trying to figure out where someone might be going or have been. As I was watching I did notice one person with a suitcase being highlighted by the light of their phone as they looked between it and the building I lived in back and forth.
“poor thing looks fuckin’ soaked” I said to myself out loud as I mused about what kinda person would be showing up at an apartment building they weren’t familiar with at half past midnight, taking another few gulps of my third beer of the night.
As I continued sipping away at my drink and getting lost in the night an odd sound filled my apartment, taking an embarrassing amount of time to realise it was my intercom going off, slowly making my way to the terminal at the entrance of her apartment.
Clicking the answer button the screen flickered to life showing the feed from the entrance, a girl stood there absolutely sodden from the rain, eyes red from crying, her light brown hair clinging to her face, it took mere milliseconds to know exactly who was being shown on the screen, although I wasn’t quite sure why.
“Kayla? Are you okay? Wait scrap that lemme buzz you in, I’ll be there in a sec” I said as I pressed the button on the console, questions could wait until she was inside.
I quickly grabbed my keys and bolted out of the door, still in lounge wear and slippers, trying to be as considerate as I could while not keeping my twin sister waiting, the elevator in my apartment building was still busted as it had been for the past month so the stairs it was.
It only took a few minutes to rush downstairs and see my sister in the flesh for the first time in a few years, taking her luggage for her as we silently walked up the stairs until we got back to the floor my apartment was on, fumbling my keys slightly before finally getting the door open and welcoming my sister inside.
As my sister started taking off her jacket and boots in the entranceway I rushed to the bathroom to grab a fresh towel, getting back before she had finished untying the laces. I gently placed the towel down on her head and started to dry her hair.
After finally getting her boots off and with me still thoroughly drying her hair, my sister slumped against me, her head resting against my chest, her hands clinging onto me as if to make sure I was real. After a few seconds I could hear the sounds of sobbing escaping from her.
I left the towel on her head and moved my arms to wrap around her back holding her tight, the cold dampness of her clothes where the rain had soaked through her jacket stung, a stark reminder of the state she was in.
“I’m sorry I showed up without any warning…” Kayla said between sobs, her grip on my sweatshirt tightening. “I just didn’t know where else to go.”
“It’s okay, you really don’t have to worry about that I promise, I’d never turn you away.” I said as I lifted an arm to cradle her head through the towel.
We stood there for a few more minutes, my sweatshirt slowly matching the dampness of my sisters blouse, the only sounds being her sobs that ebbed and flowed in intensity, the consistent rhythmic of dripping of water from her skirt onto the floor and the sound of traffic from beyond the still open door to my balcony.
In a way it was familiar in a way I haven’t experienced in a very very long time, memories of when we were kids flooding back in a way that was bittersweet, but this wasn’t back then and the problems from then weren’t here any more, at least hopefully.
“why don’t you take a shower and get changed, we can’t have you getting sick or something.” I said trying to cut thought the silence, truth be told I could stay with my sister clinging onto me for as long as my body could stand but her health was more important.
“Y-yeah that’s probably smart…” Kayla said an apprehension that almost made me think she didn’t wanna break the embrace either.
“I’ll be right here when you’re out.” I said as I lifted the towel and planted a slight kiss against the top of her head.
A few moments pass and the embrace was separated, the cold feeling far more notable now, I pointed out where the bathroom was and watched as my sister slowly disappeared from my view, the new found silence eventually broken by the sound of the shower starting.
I retreated to my room, quickly taking off my sweatshirt and haphazardly tossing it into my pile of laundry that I really need to get around to doing already and swapping into a fresh one. If my sister was anything like she was when she was a kid I probably had plenty of time until she was out.
I made my way back out to the balcony, the small space that had become a refuge since I moved here a few years ago. My half drank can of beer still sitting on the railing that I didn’t care to finish any more, instead reaching for the pack of smokes that sat on the table, luckily unaffected by the rain.
The click of the metal lighter opening and the flint sparking, the mix of the night air and that first puff of the cigarette did wonders to keep my thoughts in check. I thought back to the last time I saw my sister, it was two years ago, just as she had gotten into university, only able to meet up for coffee between her classes, something I always regretted, if only I had been a better sister and was able to make more time to see her, but the flights across the country were expensive and work was unrelenting.
Which was all the more reason why I was surprised to see her, as much as I wish it was, it couldn’t have been a joyous one, you don’t just show up in the middle of the night to hangout after all.
Ehh there’s no point stressing over the details, she can just tell me once she’s out I thought to myself as I took another drag, I had spent the majority of my twenty four and a bit years of life agonising over every little detail and interaction, and that wasn’t about to change any time soon but there was a time and a place for that.
For now I just needed to focus on making sure my sister was okay, that’s it, like always her feelings, her safety is what’s important, it’ll be different this time, you’re a better person now.
My train of thought was cut off as I started coughing, unknowingly while lost in my internal dialogue I had started pulling hard on the cig and inadvertently put myself in a fit. Taking a few seconds to regain my composure and stubbing the smoke out early.
I leant against the railing, taking deep breaths of the cool air, hoping to soothe my scorched throat. doing everything I could to keep my thoughts focused on what really mattered, not an easy task when those thoughts snuck in like a trojan horse.
Because for as happy as I was to see my sister for the first time in years, and really it was nothing but happiness, it wasn’t just sisterly joy…, people experience various kinds of misfortunes, most of them temporary, environmental things that can be solved with varying levels of ease.
Others are chronic either gained from trauma or accidents, some are things you’re born with and either way you have to learn how to live with them. I’ve dealt with plenty of both, both me and my sister can attest to our parents being big sources on the environmental side of it. And being transgender has never been the easiest thing to live with, but now having lived alone for years and been out and on hrt for the same amount of time I can safely say I’m handling those a lot better.
But there’s always been one misfortune I’ve never quite gotten over, for as long as I can remember I’ve been in love with my twin sister, before I even had any inkling of what that emotion was, and as the years grew on and as I learned that those feelings were considered anything but the norm it really did start to wear me down.
It got to the point that when our parents got divorced and we got split up as if we were just another part of the household belongings, my sister staying with my father, meanwhile I moved to a completely new city a couple hundred miles away with my mother, part of me felt relief.
Because as painful as it was to be ripped apart from the girl I loved, who I was absolutely inseparable from when we were children. I hoped that maybe the distance would help fix whatever was wrong with me, that the next time I’d see her it would be as a sister and not this tangled ball of yarn that only got worse every time I tried to untangle it.
We didn’t see each other for years after that, we called and text all the time but never face to face, the first time we did was when I came out, I wanted to do it in person and had my first couple days of paid time off, so I flew out to see her and tell her, she probably cried more than I did, doubly so when I asked her to choose a name for me because I was struggling, it was barely a minute before she had an answer.
Maybe it had been obvious I was gonna come out, I doubt I was subtle when probing for opinions so maybe she was already prepared, but she told me that she always thought it would be way cuter if we had matching names like twins sometimes have, so since her name was Kayla her choice for me was-.
“Kylie!” My sisters voice called out from the living room of the apartment, stopping my thoughts in their tracks, I turned to look at her, the gorgeous angel I still couldn’t believe was my sister... and a lot of the time wished she wasn’t.
The beating in my chest of my heart going into over drive felt deafening, the pulse slamming through my temples with enough force it was giving me a headache almost immediately, it was the same when she was clinging to me in the entrance, I could only hope she thought it was just surprise and excitement.
As I made my way inside, shutting the door to the balcony to stop the cold from seeping in any more than it already had I watched my sister nervously look around the room.
“I’m not intruding or anything am I? I completely forgot to ever ask if you had room mates.” She said nervously.
“Nah I should get one eventually but I’ve always been a bit worried, y’know obvious reasons and all that, I guess I was waiting for a friend to need a place or something instead of some complete stranger.” I said scratching the back of my head, desperately willing my brain to get back on track.
“I see, I see…” Kayla said as she continued to survey the room.
“Make yourself comfortable, would you like a drink? Coffee, tea, beer, a hot chocolate?” I ask wanting to keep myself occupied.
“Hot chocolate?” my sister said turning to me with surprise that id offer it.
“Why not I still remember how you used to like it with the marshmallows and cinnamon.” I say in a light-hearted tone.
“Ugh were not kids any more you dork, how do you even remember stuff like that?” She said as if she was taking offence with it, since she always tried to be the mature one I guess.
“Because its a big sisters job to remember what her little sister likes.” I say flashing her a shit eating grin, going for a cheap shot to hide the real reason behind those committed memories.
“By twelve minutes ugh god you’re the fucking worst” Kayla says feigning frustration before she breaks down into laughter, its a wonderful noise, it is regardless, whenever I heard it on the phone or the few times we got to meet, but even more so after the state she arrived in. “Honestly one of your hot chocolates sounds kinda perfect thinking about it.” She finally answers even though I had already begun preparing it.
The coffee machine I had been trying to convince myself wasn’t a waste of money finally came in useful and it didn’t take long to plant the mug of freshly melted chocolate and steamy milk topped with a handful of mini marshmallows in front of where my sister had chosen to sit.
I took a seat adjacent from her, as I drank from my own mug, truth be told it was something I made fairly regularly when I missed her, but now the taste of the ever so slightly bitter chocolate and the cinnamon was completely different with my sister there rather than the aching loneliness that usually accompanied it.
The silence was comfortable rather than awkward, getting to see Kayla’s face relax more with each sip.
“It tastes a lot better than it used to.” my sister said between sips.
“The different using real chocolate makes, I also put in a tiny pinch of salt to bring out some of the natural flavours.” I replied with a nonchalant shrug trying to hide my joy at hearing her praise even if it was something minor like being able to make hot chocolate better than an 8 year old, but it did mean I was beating the nostalgia.
“Thank you for this Kylie… I cant tell you how happy I was seeing you in the entrance lobby.” Kayla said as she looked down, a darker expression covering her face once again.
“You don’t have to tell me what happened if you don’t want to, and if you need a place to be then you can stay here as long as you need.” I said trying to be strong and give her the reins. “Just, you’re okay right? You’re not in any danger are you?”
“No no I-I’m fine now.” Kayla said stumbling over her words a little. “It’s dad… we haven’t been getting on at all, I mean we never really did but it’s gotten worse over the years, and… I dropped out of uni, I was already failing my classes and I just couldn’t take any more between my part time job and home life being so suffocating.”
“He didn’t hurt you did he?” I asked, my feelings towards my father couldn’t be worse frankly but I tried to contain my already near instantaneously overflowing anger as best I could.
“No he didn’t but, it was getting scary, If I stayed… anyway we got into a huge fight when he found out I dropped out and each day was worse than the last, when I got back from work today he told me I had an hour to pack my shit and leave.” Kayla said as the tears started to stream down her face
“God that piece of fucking shit…” Was all I could muster as I focused on trying the breath deeply, anger would do no one any favours right now, I had a lifetime to wish nothing but pain and suffering on that man’s entire being but right now was to comfort my sister.
“I tried calling you but the call never went through, all my friends lived in the dorms, I wasn’t close enough with anyone at work to even know who to ask. I should’ve found a hotel or something first, instead I panicked and booked the first flight I could over.” Kayla said as she nursed the still warm mug in her hands, trying to focus on anything but the guilt that was clearly eating her up.
“If anything it makes me happy to know I was one of your first thoughts really” I replied hoping to ease my sisters worries.
“I mean of course, I’ve always felt safest around you. obviously you were the first thing that came to mind.” Kayla said, an uncharacteristic nervousness seeping through her voice. “I just don’t want to be an intrusion, I know you have a lot going on, the last thing you need to be doing is looking after some failure…”
“Hey come on now, don’t be like that Kay, you’re not a failure at all, I really doubt many people could make it through all the bullshit you were putting up with. Look you’re my sister, you could never be an intrusion, never a burden either, you can stay here as long as you need.” I said trying to stop her spiral before it truly starts, she had always been like this, belittling herself and making herself out to be this big thorn in everyone’s side, which once again had our parents to blame.
“Still…, I’ll try to find a job so I can get out of your hair as soon as possible.” Kayla said seemingly determined to make herself out to be a problem.
“I want you to stay, as I said I haven’t had luck with finding room mates, I have a spare room that’s just been used for storage, it still needs a mattress and some actual furniture, but its yours if you want it, lets just see how it is living together and when you’re truly ready and comfortable then we can look for a place for you.” I said, unsure if I was just hoping to make her trust me that its fine or if I wanted to keep her by my side if at all possible.
“If that’s truly okay then I would absolutely love the chance to stay with you.” Kayla said trying her tears before taking another deep sip of the hot chocolate.
“I’m glad… since we need to sort out the bed situation then I’ll commandeer the couch for the next day or two.” I said giving my sister a thumbs up in reassurance.
“No way, I wont accept it, I’m the one who showed up out of the blue if anyone will sleep on a sofa then it’ll be me.” Kayla said raising her voice, once again trying to be the responsible one.
“Nope, not happening!” I said firmly trying to show that I’m refusing to budge from this.
“Th-then if you’re gonna be unreasonable… what if we share the bed, like when we were kids…” Kayla said, the faintest hint of a blush gracing her cheeks, probably from the idea of two twenty four year olds sharing a bed like they were kids on holiday being embarrassing.
“I mean if you’re okay with that, my back would probably appreciate it, I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable…” I said nervously.
“You could never make me uncomfortable Kylie” my sister responded.
If only you knew… I thought to myself before shaking my head and taking both our empty mugs to the sink to wash it out before showing my sister to my room, hoping to god I remembered to keep it reasonably clean.
A few hours had passed, I’m not quite sure since I didn’t want to check my phone and disturb the reason that I couldn’t get myself to fall asleep. my sister was softly sleeping less than a foot away from me, gentle snores parting her soft looking lips, the gentle rise and fall of her chest disrupting the blanket.
As much as I tried to ignore it, distract myself from the near constant stolen glances at my sisters slumbering face, a side of her I was obsessed with as a kid that I had forgotten, or more likely least buried as deep as I possibly could have. a fierce heat covering my face as those repressed memories came creeping back in.
The worst thing was that I couldn’t bring myself to lie about it anymore, hide it behind teenage hormones, some twisted dysphoric jealousy, affection for the only family member who actual saw me as a person. All excuses I had convinced myself off plenty of times, it was love, plain and simple, for as confusing an emotion as it is there was no other possible explanation.
So I was just left there to sit with those feelings, but this time with no escape, the few times I flew over to see my sister were always short, deliberately sandwiched between work visits or conventions. Being an inconsiderate asshole just to not have to deal with my own feelings.
But now I’m stuck, she needed my help and all I could think about was just how pretty she was, every glimpse I caught of her, every time I felt the mattress shift as she move slightly in her sleep, the warmth that radiated from her body that I had to do use every ounce of willpower in me to stop myself from inching closer and closer towards.
It made me feel disgusting, that it was all I could focus on, how when she was scared, kicked out on the street, stuck trying to find an apartment building shes never been to in a city shes never visited. My eyes kept landing on her lips, my mind continuously falling into the gutter over and over and over, I’d slam my head into the wall trying to stop it if it wouldn’t cause more issues.
All I could do is try and keep my eyes shut and hope that sleep eventually takes me, trying every technique people talk about, counting sheep, relaxation exercises, breathing routines, nothing seemed to work. My ears constantly picking up the sounds of my sisters breathing, the slow inhale and exhale past her lips filling myself with a sense of calm I can’t really remember experiencing before.
The light peering through the curtains stirred me awake, trying to roll over to avoid the sunlight, taking a second to rub my eyes, slowly opening them to dislodge some sleep stuck in them, only to see my sister’s face, eyes still softly closed, ever the heavy sleeper it seems.
My heart skips a beat or three, my breath hitched and all the neurons in my brain fired off at once, if I could bottle this sensation I could put every energy drink company out of business. And with that all hopes of trying to get back to sleep vanish along with at least a hefty portion of my sanity.
Rolling over to lie on my back, if just to let my heart rest a little, but just being hyper aware of her presence next to me didn’t leave much room to relax against the onslaught of emotions. And it only took a few seconds to write off the idea of sleeping in and will myself to get outta bed and calmly make my way outta room, being careful not to wake up my sister.
I had never been one for breakfast in general really, it probably wasn’t the smartest idea but office work wasn’t particularly strenuous and it made for a quicker morning routine. But given my sisters sudden appearance maybe it was finally time to make for better habits.
While lacking for choice, my fridge at least had some options, ultimately deciding on omelets with a veg, cheese and ham filling, I knew my way around a kitchen enough to not embarrass myself at least.
Taking the time to saute some peppers, mushrooms and onions, dicing the ham while they cooked wondering if I should sever something as a side but sadly nothing really stuck out as doable in the time it would take the rest of the food to cook, moving the now softened and cooked through veg to a bowl to add back in later.
As I started to pour the egg mixture into the pan the sound of footsteps behind me caught my attention. God even when she’s just woken up, yawning and disheveled she was absolutely gorgeous, desperately focusing on the whisked eggs.
“Good morning Kayla, I hope you slept well.” I said keeping my back turned, hiding my blush as I continued to cook, hearing my sister get closer and glancing to the side seeing her looking over my shoulder.
“Better than I have in years honestly, whatcha making?” She asked, her voice so close to my ear it made my cheeks burn up so much harder.
“Uh just some omelet’s you kinda caught me between grocery shops so there wasn’t much choice, sorry.” I said nervously.
“Oh don’t worry about it at all that sounds great, it’s been a while since I’ve had a proper breakfast.” She replied drawing out a soft giggle at how I was just thinking about the same thing moments earlier. “And just what are you laughing about, we can’t all be lil miss perfectly put together like you, it was a really busy between work and studying… well not like I have that excuse anymore.” she finished off with a laugh of her own, always knowing just how to keep things light.
“Nothing nothing, I was just thinking about something silly, go sit down I’ll be done soon, would you like a coffee?” I asked trying to get some space between us, if she stayed so close I felt like I was gonna burn up as much as the eggs would.
“Huh, oh you can let me handle that!” Kayla said finally moving from my side towards the coffee machine on the counter off to the side. “Wow these things are great, I’ve always wanted to play around with one.” Thinking about it Kayla did mention that she worked as a barista in some pretty fancy cafe I never got the chance to visit.
Something about the kitchen being a little louder. The shuffle of feet against linoleum, the gentle humming from Kayla as she toyed with the fancy coffee machine, the sizzle of the butter and egg in the pan. It was delightful, probably because of the specific company, but regardless while I never considered myself one of those people who would be completely happy alone it was still more comfortable than not, but the sweet domesticity of this moment might have made me a convert.
I tossed some slices of bread into a second pan I had been melting butter into, letting them toast as I added the fillings into the omelet’s, the soft egg setting around the veg, meat and dairy, folding the egg over and letting the cheese melt as I grabbed out two plates, noticing I was taking just a bit more effort to make the food look good than I ever would if I was alone.
In a way this was one of the several things I had subtly noticed since last night that made me feel… I don’t know, alive? It felt stupid to say, of course I was alive but maybe I just wasn’t living, moving from day to day, shift to shift, drinking and smoking when I wanted to slow down and breath.
But now I was taking the time to cook food, to make sure it came out right and looked good, I washed up the mugs last night rather than leaving them to be the next days problem, even the small things like walking around the house felt like I was taking my time rather than rushing to wherever my destination was.
The clink of the mugs hitting the table behind me broke the train of thoughts before I managed to land on another sappy conclusion that I knew would make it harder to live with myself, I moved the omelet’s to the two plates, then accompanying it with the toast and turned to the table and placed the dishes down before my smiling sister.
I grabbed some utensils and then finally took a seat, I watched as Kayla took her first mouthful, a near instantaneous reaction as she brought a hand to her cheek and closed her eyes as she seemed to savor the taste.
“W-what do you think?” I ask nervously, not wanting to assume it was positive, as much as I wish I could just let things sit or at least trust in people to tell me what they feel.
“It’s incredible, you’ve always had a real knack for cooking but you’ve gotten so much better ehe, maybe you should open a restaurant or something.” Kayla said before taking another forkful of the omelet into her mouth, my own mouth too full to object to a line of work so exhausting. “Ehh on second thought I think I much prefer the idea of keeping your talents all to myself.” She said with an innocent giggle.
It was an allusion to possessiveness that caught me completely off guard, I had to stop myself from spitting out my mouthful of food in response, taking a sip of the coffee to try and wash down the food, I don’t know quite how she did it but the coffee she made from the same machine and same beans I used daily tasted far far better.
After we had finished eating I cleaned our plates as my sister sat at the table sipping away at her coffee.
“You know you’re gonna make a really good wife.” Kayla said casually, a set of words that quite literally made my heart stop for a moment.
“Don’t joke about that…” I managed to reply my entire face practically boiling from embarrassment.
“I mean it, you’re so caring and mature, always going out of your way to make sure I’m comfortable, making sure I was enjoying the food before you started eating. Whoever you end up dating is gonna be so very happy!” she continued, my brain fighting against itself not to say ‘its only because it’s you…’.
“Oh yeah I was thinking before I go to work we could take a proper look at the spare room so you can have a think about stuff you’d need to be comfortable while you’re here, was there anything left with dad that you’d wanna get sent? I’m sure we could get someone from back there to handle it.” I asked trying to get the conversation of marriage as far away as possible.
“I don’t know if it’s worth it, I never really had much stuff, some old clothes, make up that’s easily replaceable, I got the only things that are important with me now.” as she said that her gaze lingered on me long enough for me to notice which caused her to snap her attention away.
We spent an hour moving some boxes and hoovering up the dust, the room was a nice size, a bed frame sits in a corner, an empty closet in the other, a desk without a chair, empty walls and a window with a lot of natural light.
“I gotta get ready for work, sorry I wish I had a spare key but ill talk to the staff downstairs before I leave about getting one. So you’re gonna be stuck in here all day sadly, I’ll try and get out as early as I can though.” I said as I left my sister in the room to have a think about the kinda furniture she’d want to pick up.
Honestly I can’t remember the last time I was excited to go to work, as much as my heart wanted to be with Kayla every possible moment, I think if I didn’t get the chance to let my heart and brain relax for even a few sweet hours I might just give out and die on the spot.
The day passed far too quick though, the apartment staff started processing a spare key, work was similarly quick and easy, i was already set up for a shorter shift, our office was in a lull period between big projects so after explaining the situation I was given the next day off without issue.
After a few hours it was already time to finish up the last of my data entry work for the day, spending the last half an hour chatting with the few coworkers I had a good rapport with about nothing, the brain numbing chatting being an absolute godsend after the previous 24 hours.
The drive home was slow, traffic being the typical affair, I decided to stop outside the liquor store to pick up some more beer after nearly finishing off the last of mine the night before, absentmindedly walking around the store while I waited for Kayla to text me back after I asked if she had any preferences.
The guy at the till seemed to work there most days I visited so we had a bit of a routine already, always pretty nice and seemed to enjoy chatting about the weather, after seeing me buy the same cheap cases of beer week after week he was acting shocked when I walked up to the counter carrying a more premium brand, even to the point of asking me if I had finally gotten a promotion.
Really this had been happening a lot, was it truly that noticeable, multiple coworkers also commented on how I looked like I had some actual life behind my eyes, even my manager told me she was glad that my sister had shown up because she was starting to worry about me.
The final couple minutes of driving was spent thinking about this, I mean obviously I was happy to spend time with my sister we had probably spent more time with each other since she arrived last night than we had in the entire twelve years or so years since our parents split.
From my perspective it’s been stressful, but if everyone seems to be agreeing that I seem happier maybe stress isn’t quite the right word. As I stepped out of my car, buzzed into the lobby and started climbing the stairs the feeling of butterflies in my chest picked up more and more as I thought to myself maybe its more like excitement. as my mind kept coming back to the idea that I was gonna open my door to find Kayla waiting for me.
As I sorted through my keys and reached for the handle it did hit me how silly this all ways, my hands were shaking despite the fact that the only thing different from the other thousand or two times I had walked through my own door was the fact my sister was inside.
The lights were still off, the last of the afternoon sun streaming through the balcony door, the tv was on unattended playing some youtube video from a creator I hadn’t seen before. after shutting the door behind me and kicking off my shoes, leaving the crate of beer by the entrance for now I made my way further inside.
“Welcome home Kylie!” My sister said from the kitchenette with her back to me, seemingly doing something.
“Heya, I hope It wasn’t too bad here on your own.” I said casually, the anxiousness melting away at the tone of her voice.
“Not at all, you got a pretty comfy place though I would’ve appreciated knowing the wifi password.” She said with clearly sarcastic offense getting a ‘sorry sorry’ in return. “How was work? You never actually told me what it was you do.” she asked as she turned around and handed me a mug.
“Oh its just data entry garbage, boring but its easy so I can’t really complain.” I said absentmindedly before looking down at the cup, instead of the normal coffee I expected there was latte art of a little cat looking back at me. “What the hell that’s so fucking cute.” I said half under my breath getting a little giggle from my sister.
“when I saw you were nearly home I figured I’d make you something to wake you up and I figured I’d show off a bit of my many talents!” She replied smugly as she puffed out her chest. “Oh yeah why’d you ask about the beer?”
“Well as you probably saw I don’t really have much in terms of food so I figured we could order something nice to eat and have some drinks, I got tomorrow off so we can relax tonight and then figure out the room stuff in the morning.” I said as I sipped away at the coffee, watching Kayla fetch the crate of beer from the entrance and start loading several bottles into the fridge.
As I finished the coffee we chatted about places to order from, I hadn’t tried any myself mostly keeping to cheap crappy food if I needed something quick and easy but I noticed a few places I had been recommended before from coworkers, eventually we settled on pizza, half for the simplicity half to have leftovers for tomorrow since we probably wont wanna cook after setting up my sisters room.
While the food was on its way I decided to have a quick shower, taking the bit of me time to try and relax and prepare for what was going to be an evening that left me anything but relaxed. As the warm water washed over my body, the lathered shampoo soaking into my hair, I tried to empty my mind, letting it instead fill with whatever music my shuffled playlist decided to grace me with next.
Obviously it did little to help anything and before I knew it I was out and drying my hair, the scent of the shampoo still lingering dragging my mind back though the gutter to last night lying in bed, how the same shampoo when used by my sister smelt different, even with the foot or so distance between us in bed it was noticeable, if you asked I would’ve said it was some fancy premium brand that cost more than I could bring myself to price.
Throwing on some comfy clothes and tying my hair into a loose bun, heading back into the living room of the apartment to find Kayla already getting started on her first beer, she waved me over holding a second before cracking the top for me.
I plopped myself down on the sofa next to her, letting the beer free fall down my throat to kick start the night. Finally stopping and letting out a deep sigh of relief that probably didn’t paint me in the best light but Kayla only giggled softly instead of judging me, much to the appreciation of my already fragile heart.
The pizza was still ten or minutes away so we spent the time chatting about plans for tomorrow, getting some opinions on what kinda things Kayla wanted to pick up tomorrow, she showed me a couple options for mattresses from the website, leaning towards the cheaper ones, leading me to assure her that I’d much rather she be comfortable than save a bit of money.
Finally the pizza arrived and I headed downstairs to grab it, quickly getting back to our apartment to and placing both of them down on the coffee table, pleasantly surprised to find that Kayla had grabbed some plates and some more beers.
As we tucked in I watched Kayla grin in glee as she chewed away at the mix of cheese, tomato and pepperoni, something about seeing her enjoy food was really wonderful, I felt the same thing this morning after I made her breakfast, I don’t know if I’d ever get tired of it.
By the time we had both gotten through half out pizza’s we were pretty stuffed so we moved them to the counter and quickly cleaned up the plates, deciding to watch a cheesy romcom film as we continued to drink and chat, neither of us paying too much care to what was happening, mostly wanting some background noise.
“Y’know the whole flight over I was kinda worried, we talked a lot of course but I had no clue what it was actually gonna be like here… but it’s been really sweet so far, it kinda feels like when we were kids home alone together but also just completely different…” Kayla grimaced a little before taking a big sip of her beer. “That sounds so fucking stupid now that I say it out loud, all I really mean to say is its been really nice, I’ve missed you a lot.” at the end her voice was meek, almost like she was hiding what she was saying.
I could never really get my head around Kayla, she bounced between emotions almost like she was fighting herself, one second shes this nervous wreck stumbling over her own words, and in a matter of moments she was gonna rebound and be back to her normal bubbly self.
“God I hate this prick, lets put something else on.” Kayla said laughing her ass off like nothing had happened, waving the bottle of beer in her hand in the vague direction of the actor on the screen, I never really cared for learning the names of actors or actresses but I cant say I was much a fan of the guy myself.
“You’re the one who chose the film.” I said with a smile gently hitting my sister with a pillow as she dramatically fell to her side, careful to not tip her bottle of beer dangerously. I wish I knew how she did it, bottling up whatever at a moments notice and instantly breaking through any tension. I thought to myself as I tossed the remote to her so she could change the film to something better.
Kayla downed the rest of her bottle adding it to the growing collection of empty glass on the coffee table, casually flicking through the options on the streaming app, barely paying attention because she was looking right back at me.
“So… are you dating anyone, should I expect someone to get mad you had a girl in your bed?” Kayla said jokingly.
“N-nah I’ve tried but… y’know never really had much luck when it comes to girls, it always feels like somethings missing, maybe I’m just missing something.” I said turning away from my sisters gaze as my brain snarks at me As if it isn’t obvious what that missing thing is.
“I’m kinda surprised to be honest, maybe you just work too much.” Kayla said as she walked off to grab another beer for the both of us from the fridge, a very slight slur to her words. “I’m kinda surprised to be honest, I’m jealous of whoever ends up lucky enough to snag you.” She continued with a sincerity or wording choice I didn’t know how to handle.
“I told you don’t joke about things like that, I know the kinda girl I am.” I said as I took the beer she was handing me, trying not to let my own self loathing bubble over, desperate to move the conversation along. “What about you?” my heart sank even just asking the question.
“Eh kinda similar to be honest, I had a few partners from university but they never stuck, no matter who I dated it never felt right.” She said, catching sight of just the slightest amount of a blush before she turned back to the tv trying to find something to put on.
I had no idea why I asked that, why some part of me felt some sickening spark of hope that she was in a similar boat, that maybe it was for the same reason. Even though that would never be the case, it just felt torturous, to even engage with these delusions.
“I’m gonna step out for some air real quick.” I said before getting up and making my way to the balcony, grabbing my bag that was slumped next to the door that had my smokes and a lighter in it on the way.
In an act of routine far too natural, managing to light a cigarette with one hand while still holding a beer in the other. The cold air made it very clear that I had been sweating, maybe the alcohol had something to do with it but I wouldn’t put money on it.
With each deep breath I couldn’t help berate myself, once again falling into the same traps over and over again no matter how much I tried otherwise. I cant blame Kayla shes asking normal things that any normal person could answer without issue, I just need to get better, hopefully over time I’ll grow desensitized or at least manage to survive any similar questions without making an absolute fool of myself until it there’s nothing left to talk about.
I wasn’t really sure what I expected, the cold air was just vaguely uncomfortable, the cigarette did little to relax me, getting more drunk was probably just making myself more of a risk. Really all I was doing was running away, just like always.
“Hey I was thinking about putting the pizzas in the fridge, were you done with them?” Kayla asked as she slid open the balcony door.
“Huh, oh yeah no I’m done with that for today.” I said without turning to face her, hearing the door slide back shut.
“Are you okay? You seemed a lil stressed even though you wanted to relax tonight, I hope I didn’t step on any sore spots with the love talk…” Kayla said, I couldn’t help but silently curse how attentive she was whenever something was troubling me, mostly because of the content of those troubles.
“Yeah yeah I’m okay, thanks for asking sis, I guess it has just been kinda rough, it feels wrong to say I’ve been unlucky in love but… I’m not sure how else to word it.” I said hoping the vague confession would at least alleviate some of my stress in a round about way.
“Oh god you didn’t fall in love with a straight woman did you…?” Kayla said with such a sudden seriousness I couldn’t help but laugh.
“God no that would be a fate worse than death…” I replied before taking another puff from the cigarette between my fingers and exhaling dramatically.
“Y’know it kinda reminds me of mom, I only just realized…” Kayla said absentmindedly, it didn’t sound like she was judging me but the mere mention of that woman made my hairs stand on end and my body freeze up. “Sorry, that was probably a stupid thing to say.” she said probably noticing my body language.
“No it’s… it’s fine, she’s outta my life now, I know its a stupid habit I need to drop, it’s just tough, things have been rough lately, I guess it just makes me feel at home… not that I ever felt at home around her.” I said out into the void of the night, the words feeling like bile in my throat.
Kayla stepped towards me and wrapped her arms around my torso, pressing into my back, if my body wasn’t already frozen up it would absolutely be now.
“I’m sorry, I probably haven’t helped with that huh…” Kayla said softly a dejected sadness bleeding through despite her efforts to mask it.
“No no no, that’s not it at all, honestly I keep catching myself thinking things have been so much nicer with you around…” I said almost panicked not wanting my sister to blame herself.
“That makes me really happy to hear, I know I’ve said it a lot but I really have liked being here, it’s felt more like home than anywhere I’ve been since the divorce.” Kayla said as she squeezed my chest softly before gently releasing and taking a step back. “I’ll go put those pizza’s away, don’t be long okay? Lets just focus on having a nice night.”
The sound of the door opening and closing marked the moment I could finally breath again, the lingering memory of her body pressed against mine, the static that filled my mind, tears that wanted to but refused to fall, everything left me exhausted and overwhelmed.
As the last embers of my cigarette flickered and died and final dregs of my beer disappeared down my throat all I was left with was the last of my resolve to steel before I headed back inside to try and be the normal sister I always strive to be.
Before I knew it the light was hitting my eyes once again waking me up from my slumber, a headache already chewing away at my head, the night before thankfully went fine even if we both probably drank too much. I rubbed at my eyes dislodging the sleep that had built up.
“Morning.” I heard from my left, looking over to see my sister looking at me softly.
“G-good morning.” I said stumbling over myself slightly. “Sorry did I wake you?”
“Nah nah I’ve been up for a while just relaxing and enjoying the warmth.” She said with a content smile.
“I’m gonna go make some breakfast, do you want me to call for you when it’s ready?” I asked as pushed myself into a sitting up position.
“I’ll come, I could do with some water.” She said as she reached out and grabbed onto my arm, pulling herself up, the feeling of her fingers wrapping around my bicep sent sparks flying straight to my brain.
We took a few minutes to get outta bed, do some light stretches and get to our feet, the repercussions of the night before quickly catching up to us both as the blood got pumping.
For breakfast I decided to put a bit more effort and time into making a breakfast hash, dicing potato, and peppers while I had some chorizo and onion frying off in the pan. Regularly mixing the ingredients between frequent sips of water, hoping my uneasy stomach settled before we sat down to eat.
Kayla was preparing coffee like it was already routine, easily gliding around the kitchenette around me like we had been doing this for years. The soft humming I’ve noticed she always did when she was doing something was maybe the most calming thing I’ve heard in my life.
As the food was slowly getting there, everything browning nicely I made a couple wells in the mix before cracking an egg into each one before putting a lid on the pan letting the eggs cook while I washed up the cutting board and knife.
Before long I placed down the plates on the table seeing Kayla had already laid out some cutlery, taking a sip from the coffee she had made me and sighing with contentment as the caffeine hit my bloodstream.
As we ate I watched my sister dig into her plate of food I couldn’t help thinking about how natural this sight was, it had only been two times I have sat on the opposite side of the table from my sister but I really don’t ever want to give this up, if this could be the way I wake up every morning I think I could be genuinely happy.
I just, didn’t know if it would be possible, Kayla had her life torn apart and she came to me for somewhere to try and start over. but I had no idea what that even entailed, what if what she wanted from her life didn’t involve me at all…
“So, uh… what do you think you’re gonna do going forwards?” I asked between mouthfuls my heart already sinking before I even finished speaking, wishing I kept it to myself and just lived in this blissful ignorance until the day it got yanked away from me once again.
“Well I guess I’ll find a job first but I’ll work hard to get something going and try and find somewhere to move so I can get out of your hair.” She said with a warm smile I just couldn’t read past no matter how hard I tried.
“The market is kinda fucked here.” I lied, I don’t know why I lied, any look at the housing market would tell you its far from the worst in the country, was I really so desperate to keep her here, why not ask her then.
“Oh I see, did it get worse recently?” She replied seemingly thinking about something as she drank from her own mug.
“Huh, what do you mean?” I asked not to sure what she mean, wondering if I had told her I had no issue finding a place in the past.
“Well I was looking last year at some places around here and it seemed fairly fine, like rents expensive sure but its like that everywhere.” She said absentmindedly as she shoveled some more food onto her fork.
“You were looking at places around here?” I asked honestly kind of shocked at the idea.
“Yeah of course, I planned on moving after I finished at uni and I always wanted to live nearer to you so we could spend more time together.” she said before taking the food into her mouth and letting out a contented noise.
I had no clue how to even think, she wanted to be close again as well, she never even mentioned any of this before.
“I mean I’m just going off water cooler chat from work.” I stammered out trying to save face from the lie earlier. “I guess I mean like…”
“Whats up?” Kayla asked noticing my anxiety.
“Uh well, y’know if you wanted at least you don’t have to move…” I said meekly, my hands visibly shaking, luckily it seemed to be unnoticed for now.
“I mean I don’t wanna be a bother… its already so much taking me in and you’re insisting on buying the bed, I feel like I’m already asking so much from you.” my sister said as she looked down at the food in front of her, a quick look of sadness washing over her face.
“You could never be a bother… I…” I was stumbling over myself, my tongue was betraying me, the weirdest spike of adrenaline I’ve ever experienced shot all my systems into overdrive. “I mean if you’re okay with it, how would feel about staying here, like long term that is.” I finally managed to say almost too quickly as if I was worried that if I stopped the words would escape me forever.
“Are you really okay with it?” Kayla asked shyly looking up at me to which I responded with two probably overeager nods, “I mean I’d love to, I’ve told you a few times how wonderful its been here with you. I just don’t wanna feel like I’m taking advantage of your kindness.”
“I mean I told you I was hoping to find a roommate anyway, I can handle rent and save here and there but it would make things far easier, at least once you’ve gotten a job and had the time to rebuild your wardrobe and whatever else you need.” I said as I toyed with the last of my food, hoping to disguise just how happy her answer has made me.
“well then at least until then I’m gonna do my best to make this place feel like home for you too!” Kayla said cocking her head to the side with a bright smile, noticing my confusion at her statement she opened her mouth before I had the chance to question. “Well you said that smoking made you feel at home but wanting to quit, and I mentioned being with you feels like home for me, so I’m gonna do my best to give you back that same feeling.”
I didn’t even know how to respond so I didn’t, I just nodded and gave her the best smile while I did everything I could to not break down to into tears.
The rest of the day was exhausting to be honest, walking around the furniture store picking out various things, since Kayla agreed to stay long term we chose a few other things to be delivered as well since my car couldn’t fit much inside it. After we were done with that we decided to get some lunch and stopped by a department store to pick up some necessities that Kayla was missing as well as some bedding.
Finally we stopped by a grocery store to grab a few days worth of food and a lot of snacks, even just walking around, chatting about the kinda food she wants to eat, joking about things we ate as kids, it was so wonderful.
When we got back to the apartment we collected Kayla’s spare key and I signed her onto the lease, and then began the long trip back and forth carrying the flat pack furniture up the stairs, for the first time in a while truly lamenting living on the 6th floor. It was only a couple trips, we had picked up a mirror, a dresser, a desk chair and a mattress, as well as the groceries, so we managed to get everything done with four trips.
Needless to say we were both quite tired after we had gotten everything upstairs, the boxes piled alongside a wall in the living room, I was unpacking the groceries while Kayla was making us coffees.
We spent the rest of the afternoon putting together the furniture, letting the mattress expand and chatting and listening to music while we did. As we unpacked Kayla’s bags I noticed a teddy bear that I had gifted her as a birthday present when we were children, honestly impressed it was still in one piece.
After we finished we reheated the pizza from last night and sat around watching some tv show, conversation felt so much more natural today, maybe taking that leap and asking her to stay helped ease some of my anxiety.
And then we both retired for the night, I decided to take a bath before bed, I had a pretty early shift tomorrow so I was hoping to turn in pretty early. As I was sitting back in the bath a lot really started to sink in, how my life has turned around in such a short amount of time so suddenly, but also so naturally.
There would be problems of course, even the closest of siblings fight, learning to live with another person is never that smooth of a transition phase, but I wasn’t worried about that, I knew both of us were better than letting arguments blossom into fights.
Of course the big problem was the elephant in the room, the fact that I would now be living with the girl I was in love with, probably the only girl I would ever love, and the fact that my heart hurt each time I saw her was probably always gonna be there no matter how much I came to terms with it.
But at the same time I got to be there with her every day, rather than needing to board a plane to see her. I’m going to get to see her live the life she wants, to see her happiness bloom and to be there when she goes through hardships, I’ll get to cook her meals and drink her coffee, and as much as I wish more than anything in the world that I could kiss her as well, I know that if I can help make her truly happy then I will be as well.
Even as I thought it to myself I wasn’t sure if I was just lying to myself, but even if I was it was a nice sounding lie, one I could carry in my heart next to my love for her, and when she eventually brings someone else home I’ll hold onto it for as long as I need until I feel normal again, whatever counts as normal for me anyway at least.
I should probably get outta the bath before things take a turn for the worse.
After drying up and changing into some pajamas I made my way to my bed, the room felt empty without Kayla sharing the bed, part of me wondered if she was feeling the same thing… still the blanket was heavy and comfortable, more space meant I could stretch out more.
I should’ve washed my sheets… I thought to myself as the feint smell of my sister’s lingering presence started to be noticeable from the other side of the bed, my arms reaching out and grabbing the pillow and pulling it in close hugging it like I wish I could hug her.
It had been half a month since we had set up Kayla’s room and life had hit a pleasant rhythm, neither of us had heard from either of our parents which was a blessing really, she had been a model roommate, each of us taking chores that we handled best, we shared meals and spent a fair amount of time together just hanging out.
Really life had never been better, I was getting on better with my coworkers as well, like it was the final piece I was missing to live an actual fulfilling life. I had gotten better with all those problems as well, my feelings were still there but equally I was just happy to have her there, to hear her laugh and hum as she went about her day.
Maybe it was silly to think about these things while drunk, hell even while drinking, but even with the bustle of the after work drinking party my mind remained else where, maybe that’s the real reason people commented that I seemed happier and more comfortable, because I was still wrapped in the warmth of Kayla’s continued existence in my life.
“You live just up around here right?” One of my coworkers said as the car we were in pulled to a stop.
“Yeah I can walk it from here, thank you for the ride!” I replied slurring my words ever so slightly before stepping out of the car and shutting the door behind me before waving at my coworkers. “I’ll see you lot after the weekend!”
As the car pulled off again leaving me alone with my thoughts, each step towards the apartment building making me think maybe I had a bit too much too drink. I had told Kayla I’d be out but I completely forgot to text her that I was on the way back so I probably should be quiet just in case she had already turned in for the night, it was past midnight after all, and she had started her own job recently at a bakery cafe but for the life of me I couldn’t remember if she was working tomorrow.
I buzzed myself in and started the trek up the stairs, holding onto the banister now really thinking I had too much to drink. Finally getting up to my floor and doing my best to unlock the door and close it behind me as quietly possible, kicking off my shoes and pouring myself a glass of water.
Once I had finished drinking I refilled the glass to leave by my bedside before I headed towards my room.
The apartment had been silent but as I passed my sisters room a noise caused me to stop, at first it sounded like a whimper, like she was crying, I didn’t know what to do, I debated knocking to make sure she was okay when a second sound froze my hand.
It was definitely a moan.
my sister was absolutely getting off on the other side of the door.
I desperately plead to myself to just keep going, to act like I heard nothing.
At least then things could continue to be normal, this life that I had grown so so happy with could at least live on in blissful ignorance.
But my feet didn’t move, my heart thumped in my chest like a stampede, it was so loud I was terrified Kayla would somehow be able to hear it, to figure out that I was here on the other side of the door listening to her masturbate like some kind of freak.
“...Kylie…” I heard from inside her room, my heart sinking, almost dropping the glass of water in my hand thinking she noticed my presence, but then the moaning continued, louder this time, and then my name was heard again.
I was freaking out, I didn’t know what to do, I must have been asleep or hallucinating or something, had I finally gone insane, I thought I was doing well, adrenaline was making everything so much worse, I felt like I was gonna puke, or scream or pass out or any one of a hundred other things.
I wanted to run.
I don’t know where, it was nearly one in the morning, this was my home, do I go lock myself in my room, do I leave and find some place serving food.
Whatever I did I needed to move, and as silently as possible, whatever was happening wasn’t real, just some alcohol fueled delusional garbage my brain cooked up to try and kill me.
I don’t even know how it happened, I ended up in that all too familiar position, it had been ten days since I last smoked, and here I was once again seeping in self loathing, looking for anything to make me feel like I’m on solid ground.
Of course nothing was going to make this right, it felt like my entire world had fallen apart, reality unraveling before my very eyes. I wanted so very badly to believe it was real, and I wanted even more so to trust that it had to be fake, my ears playing a cruel trick on me.
My mental back and forth continued only finally being disrupted by the sound of the door opening behind me.
“Hey welcome back, I hope you had a good time.” Kayla’s voice sounded very wobbly, like she was stressed out of her mind.
I couldn’t bring myself to turn around so I just looked out over the balcony at the cityscape lit up with the hustle of a sleepless society.
“Huh, uh yeah it was good, I think I drank far too much though hah.” I said with a weak laugh at the end stubbing out my cigarette and instinctively pulling out a second from the pack.
As I lit the smoke held between my lips I felt Kayla’s arms wrap around me her body pressing into my back weakly.
“You heard me didn’t you…?” she asked sounding like she was about to break down into tears.
“I don’t know what you mean.” I lied as I pulled and exhaled before most of the smoke even had a chance to do anything.
“You don’t have to lie, I heard you outside my door…” she said softly, like she had already accepted her fate. “You think its disgusting don’t you?”
“N-no I-” I couldn’t find words, I wanted so desperately to say something, anything.
“It’s okay, I deserve to hear it.” Kayla continued, the sadness in her voice made my heart feel like it was breaking
Just fucking tell her already, tell her that we’ve been in love with her. I thought to myself, opening my mouth but little but air coming out of it.
“I’m sorry, I feel like I’ve been deceiving you, I promise I’ll ask around and try and find somewhere else to live, can… can I ask for one final act of incredible selfishness…” Kayla said as her hold around my waist grew tighter.
Again my brain pleaded with me to tell her I felt the same way, about everything, but all I could let out was a small noise to grant her request.
“I’ve always had these messy feelings when it came to you, I never really knew what they were until the last time you visited after I got into uni, seeing you across that table and seeing how beautiful you were, I realized that I was in love with you…” she said pausing as if hoping I would say something in response, but once again like a coward my body betrayed me. “when dad kicked me out I didn’t even ask anyone if they had a room open, I just booked a ticket to come here, you were the only option my heart would allow. I know I’ve asked so much already even just listening to what a freak like me is saying, and you have every right to say no…”
Kayla stopped talking as if to try and will herself to finally say it.
“Could I kiss you, just once, I know its a horrible thing to ask, but I feel like my heart wont be able to move on unless I know what its like, and then I promise I’ll leave, I can literally be on a plane before sunrise and you’ll never have to see me again. but I don’t know what I’d do if I cant carry that memory for the rest of my life” Kayla said sounding utterly defeated.
The voice in my head was loud, it was so fucking loud that I could barely hear what my sister had even said, my heart was beating so hard it made me feel nauseous, my brain felt like it was being dipped in battery acid. Every fiber of my being was pleading with me to say something.
“No…” I said maybe the worst thing possible.
“I see…” Kayla said releasing her hug, slowly pulling away from my back. “I’m sorry for being so disgusting, I’ll pack my things.”
I had to do something, as she started to back away I spun around, the cigarette between my fingers dropping onto the stone tile of the balcony, my hands shooting out to grab her wrist, her face shocked from the sudden movement.
“I-if I kissed you and you left, I don’t know how I’d live with myself…” I said panicked, my heart absolutely exhausted.
Kayla stood there dumbfounded, not having any idea what to say.
I was acting completely on instinct, I stepped forwards pulling her in towards me before looking deep into her eyes that were absolutely streaming with tears.
I lent down, closing my eyes and finally, softly pressed my lips against hers, an action I had dreamed about both literally and figuratively thousands of times, never in this kind of scenario but one thing far surpassed those dreams.
The feeling of Kayla’s lips on mine, her hesitant returning of affection, her hands gingerly grabbing onto my arms, the taste of her lip balm, the slight whimper she made when we finally parted. It was all beyond my wildest imagination, so perfect even when it was so flawed.
We stared into each other’s eyes in silence for a minute or two I couldn’t even tell.
“You… absolute fucking idiot…” Kayla said finally breaking the silence, a halfhearted fist landing on my chest. “I seriously thought you hated me…”
“I’m sorry, I… I genuinely thought I had lost my mind, like it was playing tricks on me or something” I said trying my hardest to gather my thoughts, after so much harsh static and noise earlier everything was empty, almost too much, the mental whiplash was throwing me all over the place. “I… I’ve been in love with you since we were kids, when we got separated It was so hard, but I hoped that I would get over it, but I never could. So just, please, please don’t leave me again.”
Kayla didn’t say anything she just wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me into another kiss, this time deeper, her tongue quickly brushing against my lips as if requesting entry, each new sensation felt like fireworks going off through my nervous system.
It wasn’t like I hadn’t kissed anyone before but this might as well have been my first time, it was on that different a level to anything I had experienced. Her fingers ran through my hair as I parted my lips, her tongue rushing through with the urgency of a dam that just broke.
The taste of her saliva, the feeling of her eager exploration of my mouth, the sensation of her moans and gasps flowing from between her lips into my own, all served to further short circuit my brain. everything I was stressing about seemed so far away, like all the troubles of the world no longer existed, at least within the confines of this apartment.
Finally the kiss broke off, Kayla pulling away first gasping for air, I whimpered slightly, instinctively chasing her lips desperate to never let go of that sensation.
“I cant even tell you how long I’ve wanted to do that…” she said after catching her breath, her hand still tangled in my hair, slowly massaging my scalp.
“Yeah…” was all I could muster, my hands finally moving from weakly holding her shoulders to finding themselves holding onto her waist.
“I feel kinda dumb for waiting so long now.” Kayla said with a soft laugh, before leaning in for another quick kiss.
“Yeah…” Again I was still trying to make sense of the last 15 minutes as best I could.
“Would you wanna go inside and continue? Its kinda cold out here.” she said with that gorgeous smile she always had that never failed to give me butterflies.
“Yeah, that would be perfect.” I said returning the smile as best I could.
Kayla took me by the hand and lead me back into the apartment, guiding me towards the sofa, seamlessly falling back against it and pulling me down with her, looking up at me with a look that seemed to mirror all of the emotions that I was feeling at that very moment, a desperate need, a profound thankfulness, a joy and warmth but also anxiety.
Hoping to dispel both of our worried I lent down to kiss her again, her hands wrapping around my back holding me tighter, our tongues meeting in a sacred dance we were both still learning how to do.
Our making out continued for what felt like either hours or minutes, the concept of time seemingly melting away, the both of us completely lost in the moment, barely having the self control to stop for oxygen even if only briefly.
But all things sadly have to come to a close, the nights drinking catching up to me as my arms I was using to stop myself from completely collapsing on Kayla started to shake.
“Do you wanna move this to the bedroom~.” Kayla said with a teasing sultriness and a smirk that was like seeing a whole new side of her I had never gotten the chance too before, only able to nod eagerly in response causing her to giggle and me to blush.
As we walked through the apartment hand in hand there was an air of giddy eagerness that reminded me of stories of schoolgirl romances, an inexperience that both made me feel embarrassed and secure in the fact that it was seemingly affecting both of us.
As we reached my room, our room, potentially at least, Kayla pushed me down onto the bed and straddled my waist, my hands finding their way to her hips as she lent over to kiss me before pulling away slightly as I was about to try and trace the tip of my tongue along her lips, she then kissed me on the cheek and again, each kiss moving further from my lips before she planted a kiss against my earlobe, taking it between her lips and nibbling gently.
I whimpered softly as her teeth grazed the sensitive flesh, getting a soft giggle from my sister in response, her voice was so close to my ear that it sent a shiver down my spine.
“Oh it seems you like this huh~?” Kayla whispered into my hear making me shudder in response, doubly so as she started to drag her tongue up from the lobe towards the helix of my ear before gently nibbling again.
Finally she finished her assault on my ear with a soft kiss before moving down, dotting kisses along my neck, her hands working fast to undo the buttons on my work shirt, finally getting half of it open and throwing the fabric apart to reveal my dull colored bra, her lips traveling down dotting kisses along my collarbone and the top of my breast.
I was becoming incredibly aware at just how hard I was, and so was Kayla given the fact she was grinding against my bulge with increasing fervor. A distinct wetness forming between the spot our crotches met through layers of clothes.
“God its not fair you have bigger tits than me already.” she said as she groped me over my bra, making my breath hitch.
“Yours are way nicer though, they’re so beautiful.” I said almost on instinct, the blush crossing my face intensifying.
“Hehe I knew I caught you looking~.” Kayla teased, making the blush that much worse. “That’s okay I was showing them off for a reason, would you wanna see them properly?”
I didn’t even need to answer she knew already how much I did from how much I throbbed, another laugh escaped her lips as she slowly teasingly pulled my sweatshirt that I only just noticed she was wearing up over her torso, revealing nothing on underneath it before haphazardly tossing it to the side onto the floor.
God she was the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen in my life, my hands crept up towards her chest, gently cupping her modest breasts like I had imagined doing a thousand times before. Savoring her soft whimpers as my thumbs grazed her nipples.
In response Kayla’s hands slipped under my bra, her slender fingers massaging the flesh of my breasts, before pulling her hands out and moving them behind my back, I tried to lean up to give her a better chance while being unable to move my hands from her chest.
Finally she unhooked my bra and was able to lift it over my breasts as she bent over to press her lips against my right nipple, my hands moving to her back, tracing up and down the soft skin, a harsh moan escaping my lips as her gentle kiss turned to a nibble.
As my sister continued to suck on my breasts my hands traveled further down her back, groping her ass over her sweatpants, grinding up against her in a desperate attempt to chase more pleasure, a closer feeling of her body against my own.
“Are you okay with this?” Kayla asked in a sudden shift of seriousness, looking up from my chest meeting my gaze. “Like I’m not going too fast am I? I’m scared of you waking up and this being some drunken fling you regret…”
“I promise this is fine, I should’ve been asking the same thing.” I replied softly, moving a hand to gently pet my sisters head.
“Well then, do you wanna know a secret?” Kayla said as she moved from my chest back up towards my ear, dotting kisses along the way. “I’ve been on birth control since I got here, just in case~.”
Once again I throbbed between my legs, my cock feeling like it was going to break the pencil skirt I still had on from work. Kayla giggled at my reaction before rolling her hips against me for a few brief but mind-melting moments until she lifted herself up off me, onto her hands and knees and then moving off the bed, giving me a show as she moved her thumbs under the waistband of her sweatpants before slowly teasing them down.
Her back was towards me as she bent over and let the fabric inch by inch show her incredible ass, before finally letting them fully drop to the floor, staying in that position knowing my eyes were glued to her, watching practically enthralled as she slipped a hand between her thighs and spread her pussy with two fingers.
Watching it made me feel like I was about to pass out, I wasn’t sure if it was from mental overload or most of the blood on my body traveling to my cock, all I knew was just how fucking badly I needed her.
Turning around to look at my face and with another giggle she finally stood up straight and moved back towards the bed, stepping out of the sweatpants that lay on the floor in a pile. She got onto the bed on all fours and crawled slowly towards me before unzipping my skirt and shuffling it and my underwear down my legs leaving me a disheveled mess before this absolute goddess over me.
My cock sprung up after finally being released from its cloth prison as my sisters gaze stayed fixated on it, the tips of her fingers gently reaching out and gingerly touching it, fingers wrapping around my shaft as her thumb brushed along my tip.
“You’re so perfect…” Kayla said quietly a blush covering her face.
“So are you.” I replied her blush growing stronger.
I watched on a little unsure what to do before she finally started moving, shuffling forwards, her grip still firmly around my cock until she was back to straddling my hips, my cock pressing against her abdomen, as she looked down as if sizing it up against herself.
“There’s so so many things I want to do, I want to taste and feel every part of you, but I don’t think I can wait anymore, I need you inside me…” She said, a lusty haze settling over her voice.
Time seemed to stop as I watched her lift her hips, and guide the tip of my cock against her entrance, her wetness dripping down onto my tip before finally she dropped her hips sinking down an inch onto my cock, feeling like a firework going off in my head as our bodies finally met, again so far surpassing all of my fantasies.
And then she started to bounce, her hips rising and falling, each time taking just that little bit extra of me inside her, our bodies slowly becoming one, my hands moving back to her breasts while hers were firmly gripping onto my waist trying to hold herself up.
The moans were flowing freely from both of our mouths, It was honestly overwhelming, as Kayla dropped her hips finally burying the length of my cock inside her she collapsed onto my chest, clutching onto my shoulders.
“S-sorry It’s just so much, I feel like I move I’m gonna lose my mind” Kayla said unsteadily, I wrapped an arm around her and held her head against my chest partly to savor the feeling and mostly to comfort her.
“I know what you mean… it already feels like I’m close…” I said quite embarrassed that it’s been so quick to reach this point.
“god you cant say shit like that you’re gonna make me do something stupid.” Kayla said with a giggle as she rolled her hips slightly, feeling myself throb inside her, the movement pushing me closer to the edge.
We stayed in that cockwarming position for a few minutes, eventually starting to make out instead of just cuddling, until finally Kayla started to move her hips again, unwilling to break from our kiss she rocked back and forth in an incredible intimate motion.
We moaned into each others mouths as our movements synced up, wet lewd sounds filling the room, as we both lost ourselves to the pleasure, her hips bouncing more and more before she tightened up dramatically around my cock, muffled moans and her legs shaking against my hips told me that she had came on me.
The increased tightness and her shaking and convulsing around my length was enough to shatter all the willpower I had been using to stop myself from cumming as I buried my face into her shoulder and my arms around her back held her tighter as I finally hit my own orgasm.
It was like nothing I had experienced before, it made any other orgasm feel like it couldn’t even be compared, washing over my entire body with the force of a tsunami, the release making me feel like the entire world melted away around me leaving only me and my twin sister floating through a blissful void.
Eventually the waves of pleasure calmed and the world rebuilt itself, but that warmth around me, that perfect weight on top of me persisted. Even as the sensitivity built to a nearly unbearable level I wanted to stay in that position forever.
Finally Kayla rolled off and laid next to me moving two fingers between her thighs and scooping up a generous amount of the cum that was oozing out of her and bringing them up to her mouth, sucking on her fingers and grinning as she tasted our combined juices.
Then she pushed a kiss onto me, her tongue barging into my mouth as it shared those juices. We kissed for at least a minute before she broke it off with a laugh.
“You’re a real pervert you know that…” I said with a faux judgmental tone.
“Oh you don’t even know the half of it.” she replied with a laugh before snuggling into my side. “That was more perfect than I ever imagined.” she said.
“It really was.” was all I could think to say in response.
“I’ve wanted to say this for so long and truly mean it.” Kayla said as her arm wrapped around my torso, pulling herself in tighter. “I love you Kylie.”
The words soaked into my skin, embedding themselves within the very fiber of my being, filling me with a warmth that went so far beyond any tangible logic or reason, much like my love for her did.
“I love you too Kayla, so so very much.” I finally said the words I wished I could for 16 years, the weight on my shoulders falling instantly as I realized I could say that whenever I wanted now, that I could kiss her whenever I wanted now, for the most part at least.
“And luckily we both have tomorrow of, so when we wake up I want you to finally make me those pancakes you’ve been promising and then I’m gonna fuck your brains out!” Kayla said pressing her lips against my cheek.
“That sounds perfect.” I said as I pulled her tighter into me hoping to bask in this moment just a bit longer.