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When you shared a room with a lot of other guys you got used to the lack of privacy. It wasn’t as if there were a lot of other options, not if you didn’t want to risk being caught, so someone quietly jerking off after lights out was a common occurrence.
It had taken a long time before Bertholdt was comfortable enough, especially since Reiner slept only a couple feet from him. Not that this stopped Reiner, and it had been so hard to listen to his hitched breaths and do nothing about how turned on it made him.
He didn’t have that problem anymore, and sometimes they even helped each other out. Those were Bertholdt’s favorite nights.
They never talked about it, though. Never said a word while their hands were on each other’s dicks, and not in the morning. Not the few times they were sitting by themselves in the mess, or even when on the hikes they would take on their rest days. Bertholdt wanted to so badly, but every time he tried the words stuck in his throat and he had to stop before he worked himself into a fit.
He figured Reiner never said anything because what they did in the dark didn’t mean anything to him. It just something to release the stresses of the day. If Reiner wanted something else from him he would have said so by now. Bertholdt didn’t say anything because he didn’t want those nights to stop.
He hadn’t been sure how much more he wanted from Reiner until tonight. It had just been a nebulous sort of desire. All he’d known, all he’d let himself know, was that he wanted, because he was afraid if he explored the thought any further it would all come crashing down and he wouldn’t be able to enjoy what he had. Reiner was such a good friend to him, the least Bertholdt could do was not ruin it by getting greedy.
And he’d tried not to, he really had, but now things were so suddenly, horribly different.
He’d snuck out of the dorm after lights out to take a walk around the grounds, something he did regularly to calm himself and settle his mind so he could actually go to sleep instead of driving Reiner crazy with his tossing and turning.
There had been noises come from behind one of the maintenance sheds. Curious, Bertholdt had snuck over try and find out what it was and had been confronted with a couple of very obvious things.
First, he really should have been able to figure out it was a couple having sex. The gasps and moans weren’t exactly subtle. It was too dark to tell who it was, but, after Bertholdt had bolted like his feet were on fire, he thought it might’ve been Franz and Hannah. He couldn’t remember if Franz had been in their dorm when he’d left. More likely, they were from the 103rd.
The second made him want to curl up and hide against a wall and stay there for the rest of the night. This was the kind of thing he wanted from Reiner. The gates were open, and his desires rushed though, fully formed and destroying everything in their path. He wanted Reiner to hold him close, kiss him, run his hand all over him. He wanted something more passionate than silent touches in the dark. He wanted to be fucked against the side of a building. He’d settle for getting fucked by Reiner anywhere at all.
Bertholdt wanted, and he bit his lip at the sharpness of his now focused desires.
What was he supposed to do now?
He crept back into the dorm, shoulders bowed down under the weight of his worries. Berthodlt climbed up the ladder to his shared bunk and crawled over Reiner to his side. He tried not to wake him up, and mostly succeeded. Reiner grumbled a bit, but his breathing settled and he’d fallen back to sleep by the time Bertholdt had slipped under his own blanket.
Bertholdt rested on his side and looked at the dim outline of Reiner’s strong profile. Just this, just being close to him, close enough to see him and smell the strong, cheap soap from when he’d washed, was enough to smother his worries beneath desire. At least for the moment.
He wanted Reiner to touch him so badly, but there was no way he could wake him up for that. It’d make him suspicious. The thought of it was enough to bring some anxiety bubbling to surface. Wiping the sweat from his forehead with his sleeve, Bertholdt decided that maybe he could pretend it was Reiner’s hands on him.
He glanced nervously over at Reiner. He was asleep, right? Keeping his eyes locked on Reiner’s face, slightly more detailed now that his eyes had gotten used to the dark of the dorm room, and pushed his fingers past the waistline of his pants to tangle in coarse, curled hair.
Already his breath was turning shallow. He could feel himself growing hard and he hadn’t even touched anything yet. Bertholdt closed his eyes and wrapped his fingers around the base of his dick and tried to trick his mind into believing they were larger and thicker, the calluses just a touch more rough and well defined.
It didn’t work so well. So much for that. He opened eyes again and focused his sight once more on Reiner’s face. His muscles were slack with sleep, lips parted, and for a minute Bertholdt just lay there and watched him with his hand still wrapped unmoving around his dick.
He rolled onto his back, spreading his legs, and reached down to cup his balls. He didn’t stay there long, squeezing them gently before moving fingers back along sensitive skin until he found his asshole.
This was also something he hadn’t done before. Bertholdt knew some guys liked to finger themselves - he was inexperienced, not deaf - but the idea hadn’t appealed to him. He didn’t even know why he wanted to try it now, it was just... he had to do something to distract himself from the anxiety and worthlessness that was building in his chest.
He was so pathetic. How could he masturbate to his best friend’s sleeping face? Why did looking at Reiner while he tentatively massaged the rim of his ass make him grip the sheets between his toes?
Bertholdt bit his lip and pushed the tip of his finger in. It was easier to pretend that this was Reiner since he had no idea what his fingers would have felt like, how he would move them.
It was warm and dry, and Bertholdt could feel himself clench around his finger. How anything was able to get further in was beyond him, but maybe he was too tense. Or maybe he should have spit on his fingers first? Was it too late now?
He sat up, blanket slipping down to his waist, and tried to dribble some saliva onto his fingers without making any noise and made a bit of a mess instead.
It would have to do.
He settled back down and pressed his fingers around his ass. The spit didn’t seem to make any difference, but touching there still felt good. He let go of his dick and brought his hand to his chest instead, pushing his shirt up so he could roll a nipple to hardness between his fingers.
Bertholdt closed his eyes and tried again. It was Reiner’s fingers slowly pushing into him, going further in than he’d tried himself. Reiner’s hand pet down his stomach and over to his other nipple, already sensitive and hard. Reiner was leaning over him, threatening to press him down with his greater weight, and Bertholdt arched his back to try and reach him.
He spread his legs wider and lifted his hips. The sheets twisted and caught in his toes and he felt them pull away from the mattress. It was getting harder to breath; the air left his lungs in sharp, short gasps and he turned his head to try and muffle himself in his pillow.
Reiner’s fingers pushed deeper into him and angled upwards. They’d heard one of the older guys talking about it, how if you put your middle finger in yourself and pushed up towards your stomach sometimes you’d hit something amazing. Reiner’s fingers crooked forward, rubbed at a place that felt different, and Bertholdt thought he felt something grow, lifted his hips more, reached for it, fingers pushing against--
“R-reiner...!”
Oh no. That’d been out loud.
Bertholdt dropped the fantasy in an instant, turned to see if Reiner was asleep. If he found out...
...Reiner was looking straight at him. His eyes were wide and his mouth worked silently, as if he was trying to say something but couldn’t get it out.
Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no no no no no--
***
Somehow he ended up back at the maintenance shed, sitting on the ground with his arms wrapped around his knees. The last few minutes were a blur of panic, and the only thing he could really remember was Reiner calling out for him to wait. He must have jumped out of the bunk and landed bad because his ankle hurt fiercely, enough that Bertholdt was surprised he’d made it this far on it. Since there was no one around he decided to let it heal itself and watched the steam that rose up from it drift gently away on the cool night breeze.
They’d probably woke everyone up. Tomorrow was going to be embarrassing.
He rubbed his fingers in the dirt hoping to get the smell off them and took full, deep breaths as he let his head rest against the side of the building. His shirt was soaked through with sweat and stuck to him uncomfortably.
Bertholdt heard footsteps approach and it nearly set him off into a panic, not because someone might see the steam coming off his ankle - no one here even knew about shifters - but because he knew exactly whose footsteps they had to be.
“Here you are, Bertl.” Reiner was using his childhood nickname, the one he only used now when he was upset.
Bertholdt didn’t look up, just glanced at him out the side of his eye, as the footsteps drew closer.
Reiner set his lantern down and sat heavily beside him, shoulder pressing against his own. He sighed deeply and ran his hand over his face. “I’m sorry. I’m an idiot,” he said. “We’re both idiots.”
Bertholdt looked up at him, confused.
“Here’s what I think,” Reiner said. “I think we’ve both been keeping quiet over stupid shit that’s only in our heads.”
“What do you mean?” Bertholdt asked, sitting up straighter until he he had to look down slightly to keep contact with Reiner’s eyes.
“I was thinking I shouldn’t push in case you decided to go along with it to keep me happy. I know you, Bertl. It’s the kind of thing you’d do.”
Bertholdt blushed and glanced away to the ground, but didn’t deny it. He’d do just about anything to stay near Reiner. That was true even before he’d become attracted to him.
“But I should have more faith in you than that, so I’m an idiot. I’m also thinking,” Reiner continued, “that you’re one too, because you were thinking that if you said anything I’d reject you and start avoiding you.”
Bertholdt hunched his shoulders and pulled his knees closer. That was what he’d been thinking, among other things.
“But maybe I’m making too much of you saying my name while getting off. Am I?”
He dug his toes into the dirt and shook his head. His ankle had stopped steaming and he moved it around to make sure it was all right now.
“Talk to me.” Reiner’s hand was heavy and warm on his shoulder.
“I don’t know what I should say.”
Reiner let out a frustrated sound from deep in his throat. “It’s not about what you should say.”
He swallowed hard and shivered. Reiner must’ve felt it because next thing he knew Reiner had slipped his arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. It was too much for Bertholdt’s frayed nerves and, despite Reiner being at the center of his problems, he turned into him, wrapping an arm around his chest and pressing his face against his neck. He was solid and warm, and it grounded him.
The quiet they found themselves in was only broken by the sound of insects. It felt like half the night had passed before he found his words. “I want to be closer to you.”
“All right. Let’s do it, then.”
“Wait, what?” Bertholdt pulled back and looked at him incredulously.
He felt Reiner’s hand move to the back of his neck and was pulled forward until their foreheads were touching. His eyes were bright in the lantern’s steady glow. “You’re my boyfriend now.”
“Just like that?”
Reiner nodded. “And we’ll be so sweet on each other it’ll make everyone sick.”
Bertholdt felt his face heat up. “O-okay.” What else could he say? If there was another option it was one he didn’t want.
Reiner grabbed Bertholdt by the forearms and stood up, pulling Bertholdt up with him. “Come on. We need to get some sleep or we’ll be useless tomorrow.” He slid his hands down and tangled their fingers together.
“Yeah.” Bertholdt smiled. He was still worried, and things had changed again so quickly, but maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing. Before he could second-guess himself he leaned down and kissed Reiner, quick and closed mouthed.
Reiner returned the kiss with a smile and stooped down to pick up his lantern. “We’ll have to sneak out somewhere tomorrow night so you can show me what you were doing. It looked like you were having a very good time.” His smile turned into a leer.
Bertholdt swallowed and nodded. “All right.”
“Really?” He eyes widened and he sounded shocked that Betholdt would be agree so quickly.
He nodded again and squeezed Reiner’s hand. He’d broken out in a sweat again. “But I want you to touch me instead.”
Reiner stared silently at him long enough for Bertholdt to start shuffling his feet awkwardly. “Damn,” he finally said, sounding slightly winded. “I’m already the luckiest man in the camp and we haven’t even been together ten minutes.”
Bertholdt decided this thing between them was going to turn out just fine.