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He didn't want to sleep. If he did, the nightmares would come.
That thought is what kept his eyes glued to his computer screen, kept his headphones against his ears. His LOLOL companions had left him hours ago, but he'd stayed; his character parading through various dungeons and slaying the many enemies that crossed his path.
He was unstoppable in the virtual world. That gave him comfort.
The way his left eye throbbed in discomfort reminded him of just how powerless and weak he really was in the real world.
The nightmares were a fairly new occurrence. It had been a good 4 months since the RFA party, and things had settled down pretty nicely afterwards. He’d started attending therapy sessions with his doctor to help rebuild his damaged eye, and although things were slow, he was hopeful that he would eventually regain his sight.
He went back to university a week after the party, much to the worry of the other members. But he was determined to follow through with his education; he wanted to make Rika proud, after all.
And her. He had her now.
She'd stayed by his side the entire time, encouraging him, comforting him, loving him. He got to witness and experience things with her that he'd never thought he would, and it made him so grateful and happy to be alive. Each day with her was gift.
But the nightmares. They'd halted his healing.
His doctor had said he would probably experience some sort of post traumatic stress from the events that unfolded at the Mint Eye headquarters, but he'd brushed it aside as an after-thought; he had her now. She was safe. That was all that mattered.
If only things were that simple.
He'd had the first one a week and a half ago. She'd been with him, her naked body snuggled into his side after one of their...heated sessions, and he'd been so terrified after jolting awake, that he'd wrapped her up in his arms and refused to let go. She'd questioned him groggily, but he'd brushed it off with a laugh, stating that he’d simply had too much caffeine before bed, and it was making his dreams weird.
He didn't sleep for the rest of that night. He held her close, keeping watch over her, protecting her from some non-existent enemy.
He'd had the same nightmare every night since then. He'd be back at Mint Eye’s base, back in that room, with that man. He'd struggle, but his arms and legs would feel like lead. He would open his mouth to shriek, to scream, to curse, but no words would come. It was as if he was gagged.
And then the scene would change, and suddenly it wouldn't be him, it would be her in his place, underneath the man, pinned to the floor.
His body was still heavy, and he couldn't move, but he could scream. And he couldn't stop the terror from building in his throat as the mystery man’s fist collided repeatedly with her face, just like it had with his own. Her pained screams would slowly weaken, turning into gargled whimpers, and he could only stand there and sob as he watched the life leave her, the strength fade from her limbs. Her right eye - he couldn't see the other, there was so much blood and gore - no longer held that light he was so used to seeing. It was blank. Dead.
It terrified him. It terrified him to think that one day he would wake up and she wouldn't be there. That his nightmares would have come true. That she was just some messy puddle of bleeding human flesh, alone and scared and in agony.
So, he didn't sleep. He didn't let himself think about it. He threw himself into LOLOL, into schoolwork. He drank more caffeine - energy drinks, coffee, heck, he'd even stolen a few of Seven’s Dr.Pepper cans when he'd been over to visit - and constantly gave excuses for not coming to bed with her. He'd take power naps, forcing himself awake after barely 20 minutes rest.
Day 10. It was Day 10 of this routine and he was exhausted.
But he couldn't sleep. He couldn't let himself have that nightmare again. He didn't know how much longer he could take this. Maybe, if he got sleeping tablets, that would help...
"...Yoosung?"
He flinched when her faint voice echoed from behind him, and he pulled off his headphones, glancing to his right to look at her.
"What's wrong, _____?"
She stood there, in one of his button up shirts, her thighs bare to him - he couldn't stop his tired gaze from flicking over her form, she was very appealing - staring at him with a confused yet exhausted expression.
"It’s already 1am. Are you coming to bed soon?"
Ah. She must've woken up and seen he wasn't there. He bit at the inside of his mouth, choosing to turn back to his computer screen to hide the guilt on his face.
"In a while. I'm in the middle of a dungeon right now."
He was greeted with a frustrated huff.
"You've been playing LOLOL for nearly 8 hours, Yoosung. It's time to take a break and sleep."
"In a minute, babe. I just gotta do this. Go back to bed. You don't have to wait up. I won't be long."
She went silent for a moment, and he chose to glance at her again. The light from the street lamp outside his window casted an amber light over her form, giving her a strange ethereal kind of beauty.
She was beautiful. He really couldn't wait to see that beauty with both eyes.
However, when he saw the frown that had settled on her lips, he felt dread pool in his gut.
"Am...am I really that unappealing to you?"
His lips parted, moving to disagree with her, but she didn't let him start.
"You've been really distant with me lately, Yoosung. We've barely spoken a word to each other all week. I've tried to, but you...it's like you're not there...I've talked more to Luciel this week than you, even though we’re in the same place..."
The faint wriggling of jealousy in the back of his mind reared up. He didn't miss the way she called the hacker by his name and not his handle, and it irked him.
But he couldn't get angry. He'd been the one ignoring her. Of course she'd feel unwanted by him.
"Am I...boring you?"
"No! Of course not!" His answer was immediate, and he stood from his chair, throwing his headphones on his desk as he moved to stand in front of her.
"You'd never bore me!"
"Then why are you avoiding me?" Her voice was quiet, weak, and it made his heart ache.
"I...that's not..."
"I know you haven't been sleeping, Yoosung. You might think you've been doing a good job at hiding it, but I see it. I wake up, and you're not there next to me...and I feel...I dunno..."
She shrugged, looking away from him. He could see the tears welling in her eyes. Shit.
He leaned down, his hand moving to touch her cheek gently, getting her attention. He pressed his palm against her face softly, urging her to lean into his touch.
"...I’m sorry," he murmured, leaning down a little more to press his forehead against her own, "I never wanted to make you feel like this...I just haven't been sleeping good and I didn't want you to worry..."
"How can I not worry? You're my boyfriend. It's my job to worry about you..."
"...You're too cute, y'know that?"
She smiled at that, nuzzling her nose with his. He returned the favour, moving in to plant a small kiss on her lips.
"I...I'll come to bed now...okay?"
"...Okay."
He knew he wasn't going to enjoy it, but if it gave her some piece of mind, he'd fight through it. If he could wake up with her in his arms, it would help him separate the nightmare from reality.
She slowly tugged him away from his computer and to the bed, slumping down on it and urging him to join her. He tugged his shirt and jeans from his body, leaving him in nothing but his boxers, before snuggling in beside her, his hands instinctively curling around her protectively.
"...Goodnight, Yoosung. I love you..."
He was asleep before he could even muster a reply.
*~*~*
Here it was again. The same nightmare.
The walls were coated with a thick spray of blood. The monitors around him were showing the same scenes he'd been dreading; her lifeless body, laying there like a rag doll, her pretty face torn to pieces by the man who now stood in front of him, a crazed grin on his face and a look of euphoria in his teal green eyes.
"Why don't you join her? You failed to protect her, after all. Why do you deserve to go free?"
He was thrown to the floor with a cry, and his head jolted back when he hit the metal floor hard. He could feel wetness in his hair, and the coppery stench of blood that flooded his nostrils told him his skull was now open.
He let out a yelp as he was tugged up by his hair, which quickly turned into a gargled shriek as the man’s foot met his face with force, sending pain shooting through his skull and almost making him black out. Panic flooded his system as his mouth filled with blood, and he spluttered and screamed as another swift kick left him on the verge of choking.
His eyes met the manic man’s, and he felt pure unadulterated terror flow through his veins as he choked out a whimper.
"...I win, Yoosung Kim."
And with that, he threw him to the floor, his foot meeting his rib cage with such a force that it had the young man quivering and shrieking in silent agony. He didn't have any breath left in his lungs to scream with. He was choking. Choking. Choking.
And the last thing he saw before he passed out, was her lifeless right eye staring at him.
*~*~*
"...Yoosung!"
His body jolted up, and he let out a gasp bordering a cry as his eyes snapped open.
The initial darkness in his left eye terrified him to begin with, and he trembled, quickly remembering that this was now normal; he couldn't see out of his left eye, so of course it would be dark.
He settled for simply closing it; that way, he could pretend he was willingly choosing to stay dark.
He felt hands on either side of his face, sweeping across his cheeks, the corners of his eyes, his lips. His good eye quickly located the source; her kneeled in front of him on the mattress, her eyes wide with worry.
"It's okay, Yoosung...it was just a nightmare. I'm here. I'm fine."
He hadn't realised it before, but he was crying out her name like a mantra, his voice weak and croaky from what he guessed was screaming. How long had she been trying to wake him up?
His hands reached for her, and she wasted no time in inching forward into his arms, her head tugged snugly under his chin and he cradled her in his arms.
"Y-you're okay. You're okay..."
"I'm okay. I'm okay...breathe, Yoosung..."
He inhaled deeply, his voice still a whimper as he held her close.
"...I’m sorry...I...I’m s-so-"
"Ssh...don't be sorry, okay? I get it..."
His hands started to trace patterns along her back, and he closed his eyes as he attempted to memorise the feel of her skin against his fingertips.
"...I think I've got a problem, _____," he murmured after a while, his voice now even enough for him not to feel embarrassed.
"We’ll figure it out. You've got your therapy session later today, right? Bring it up with your doctor."
"...Can you come with me?"
"If you want me to."
"I want you to. I want...I want you to be there. I don't want you to leave my sight...I love you...I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you..."
"I know you do. I love you, too...try and sleep for me again. Please?"
Her fingers moved upwards to his hair, and he leaned his weight into her as she started to run her fingers through it.
His mind went foggy as sleep went to claim him again, but for once, he didn't feel afraid. With her fingers in his hair, he felt grounded.
He could get through this.
He wasn't alone. He had her. He would always have her.