Chapter Text
Zanka got the news a week after it had happened
Jabber died.
Zanka killed him.
Not on purpose no, of course, no he would never.
It was blood loss, zanka had accidently stabbed him with one of the spikes on lovely assistaff.
He figured he'd be fine, he had to leave early and had just left jabber there.
He had bled out and died.
What the hell was he supposed to do now?
Jabber wasn't there for zanka to fight anymore.
Zanka couldn't prove himself to jabber anymore.
Jabber was dead.
Because of zanka.
What the hell was zanka supposed to do now?
He had been in his room all day, processing
He killed Jabber.
Cthoni, yes a raider, had gotten ahold of zanka and told him
Why does he have Cthoni within contact?
Because Zanka and Jabber would plan times and dates to meet up and fight, as practice in their free time, and Cthoni was the easiest way to get there and back
No one else knew about it, other than the raiders and Zanka
Zanka would be lying if he had said he hadn't started warming up to Jabber
How could he not?
They met a couple times every week to ‘fight’
Most of the time they were just hanging out
But still
Thinking about the past wouldn't change the fact, Jabbers dead, because of zanka
Zanka has no one to fight anymore
He doesn't know what to do
He shouldn't even be grieving a raider
What type of cleaner was he?
A shitty one for sure.
He's a shitty cleaner, who's grieving a person he killed. A raider on top of it.
Cleaners aren't supposed to kill people.
However..
Before Zanka had known Jabber died, he had been…
Seeing? Him
Like hallucinating him he supposes
It was weird
He didn't know how to explain it
He only ever saw Jabber whenever he was using Lovely Assistaff
Which was weirder
Or maybe not, considering whenever he was with Jabber most of the time he was using her to beat his ass, on top of that he killed him with her.
It doesn't make sense to him
It was almost as if…Jabber was possessing lovely assistaff in a way.
No, thats ridiculous what the hell is wrong with him
Dead people cant possess vital instruments
He's being ridiculous
He just..misses jabber, he feels guilty
Yeah thats probably it
He needs to eat
He doesn't want to but he needs to eat
He knows that
Zanka got up from his bed, grabbed lovely assistaff, and left his room, avoiding any sort of human and social interaction
Of course though, thats not possible, especially being apart of team Akuta
Zanka got to the cafeteria area, grabbed a thing of rice from the fridge, didn't bother warming it up, sat down and started eating
It didn't take to long for Riyo to join him
He dreaded the idea of having to speak
“Zanka! how are you?”
Zanka shrugged
“Same old same old.”
Is all he offered as a reply
He watched Riyo's face scrunch up in disgust
“Dude please tell me you warmed that up”
She pointed at his rice, like it was a pile of dog crap and not rice
Zanka shook his head after taking a spoonful and shoving it into his mouth
“Nope”
“Theres no way you're actually eating ice cold rice right now”
She said, in a heavily disgusted tone
“i am actually”
“...You're disgusting”
He knows
I mean sure she was calling him disgusting for eating cold rice
But he was disgusting, for grieving over an enemy, let alone grieving at all actually, on top of being a fucking murderer.
“Yeah yeah i dont wanna hear it”
Riyo turned in her seat, waving Enjin over
“Enjin! Zankas eating cold rice right now!”
Zanka watched Enjins face curl up in disgust as well, he had to fight back a snicker
“Ew man thats disgusting”
Despite his words he joined their table
Zanka raised an eyebrow
“Where's Rudo?”
He asked before shoving another spoonful into his mouth
“There's no way that's cold, you aren't eating that cold..”
“I am, where's Rudo”
Enjin grimaced, Riyo answered him since enjin didn't
“He’s currently training and stuff, i know we normally watch him but we thought we'd let him do it alone this go round”
Zanka hummed in response, not bothering to offer words
No one minded it
Zanka knew they could tell something was wrong, he was glad they weren't pushing it
They had put together a system
Whenever they notice something's wrong?
They don't do anything about it
They wait for Zanka
They wait for him to go to them
However this time??
He doesn't think he can
He could, but he doesn't think the words would come out
They'd get stuck in his throat and form a lump
You can't blame him
You could
It was his fault
His fault that he feels like this
If he'd never gotten buddy buddy with jabber?
If he hadn't taken a step further and stabbed him?
He wouldn't feel like this
But he did
Its his own fault he feels how he does
So if anything?
He deserves to feel this way
He remembers a quote he's heard before
‘Don't be sad it ended, be happy it happened’
But that doesn't apply to this situation
He can't just get over a person's death
A person who died because of him.
That's not how that works
He wishes it was
He wishes he didn't feel like this
But when end comes to end
He's a human
He feels how he feels
Whether its his fault he feels like this or not
He knows he's allowed to feel like this
But at the same time?
He isn't.
Jabbers a raider.
Zankas a cleaner
They’re enemies
Zanka isn't allowed to feel like this over a raider
Over someone everyone thinks he despises
Over somebody HE killed.
When in all reality?
He knows, deep deep down,
He loved Jabber.
Jabber was his everything whether he wants to admit it or not.
Jabber was an escape, a friend, a rival, his favorite training buddy.
The love of his life.
And yet, here he is, Zanka is.
Sitting in the cafeteria.
Eating cold rice.
Admitting things to himself he'd never thought he would.
While he knows, it won't bring Jabber back
Zanka swears he hears him
‘Zankaaaaaa’
He snapped his head up
Enjin and Riyo paused their conversation to stare at him in confusion
“You okay zanka?”
Zanka blinked, before speaking, his heart pounding
“..Yeah, I’m fine, I’m fine Riyo”
Riyo looked at him skeptically
“Okay then..”
Enjin spoke up,softly
“You know you can talk to us right?”
Zanka nodded
“I know I can, I’m okay”
Zanka forced the rest of his rice down
He feels sick
Before getting up and going back to his room