Archive of Our Own

Dennis doesn’t think he’ll get Robby’s screams at him out of his head. Not today, not next month, not next year. His eyes start to water as he watches the man point an accusatory finger at him, screaming obscenities and everyone watching. The most common words are ‘betrayed’ and ‘get out of my hospital’. Shit.

It begins to go quiet as he’s sedated, voice going softer and softer until he’s unconscious. Abbot and a few nurses exit after a few moments. Looking in, Robby’s unconscious form is sprawled on the bed. He looks so small in there, he looks so incapable of the anger he was just spewing. Dennis swallows and a tear pushes its way out. What did he just do?

“Hey, hey, you did the right thing,” Abbot’s voice pulls him away from the scene, away from the man he’s in love with who had just been calling him every name under the sun. Away from his attending who was just put into an involuntary psych hold at his behest.

“I know it… doesn’t feel that way though,”

“You did the right thing. I would’ve done the same, even if he would hate me for it,” That makes Dennis whip his head and Abbot doesn’t look surprised at the reaction. “When someone’s planning to kill themselves and has it all figured out and you prevent them from doing it when they haven’t asked for help, do you think they’re going to be happy with you?” The words make Dennis tear up again. Abbot pulls him into a hug, which feels weird but he lets it happen. He feels a hollowness occupying his stomach, expanding like a hole until he feels devoid of anything and everything except Robby’s screams in his memory.

The end of the shift is quiet and somber. People spare glances at him and look away when he looks back. There’s no grand announcement by Al-Hashimi or Gloria, nothing about what will happen now that… this has happened. Robby doesn’t wake while he’s still in the hospital and he and Trinity silently leave together.

He and Trinity watch fireworks in silence at home. Garcia had cancelled and he had cancelled going to Amy’s. Tomorrow he’ll talk to her about no longer being able to help out because of physician patient boundaries or something like that. Tomorrow he’ll accept that he is still so far from a home that no longer wanted him. Tonight he had no energy to talk. Tonight all he wanted to do was get high and watch the fireworks in silence. That wish was too good to be true.

“You did the right thing, he was displaying all the signs, he knows it too,” She passes him the bong as they sit on the small balcony of the apartment. He takes a hit, coughing a little before handing it back. “If you hadn’t done it someone else would have,”

“So why does it feel so shitty?” His voice breaks without meaning to. He could blame part of it on the bong, he’s never gotten used to the harsh rips, but they both know the truth. Trinity puts a hand on his shoulder and pulls him into a one armed hug. “What if he never forgives me?”

“Then I’ll kill him, that’s what,” Trinity pulls away to relight the bowl. She takes a deep breath in and coughs for a few moments as she hands it back to Dennis. What the hell, sure.

After this hit he finally starts to feel it. That feeling that wraps itself around his bones, seeping into him. A lightness, like he was no longer moored to his body. Robby seems so far away now, far from Dennis’ reach, far from this boneless body. Safe. Angry. Hurt. But Dennis knew that he did the right thing, all he could hope was Robby would forgive him.

“So what’s with Garcia?” He knows Trinity is head over heels for her but he was pretty cautious about her. There were too many times he’d seen Trinity crash after she left, like she had been holding in her despair from something Garcia had said, only to let it out the second she left. She wouldn’t tell him everything but sometimes she’d tell him something.

“She just… was very clear that this is just casual sex,” Trinity sighs, staring at the unofficial fireworks from random streets. People shout and laugh as one of those really big ones go off, it even sets off a car alarm. “It’s whatever, I shouldn’t have expected anything more,”

“But you want more,” This is one of the few times they had this talk that hadn’t ended with her clamming up and making some excuse. He could tell it hurt, and despite the distance between them still, he hurts with her. She deserves someone that she could open up to and be liked back. Part of him wanted to say he didn’t see that happening with Garcia.

“Don’t we all,” She sighs, and he can tell that’s the end of the conversation. Instead of pushing, he stares out at the city too.

 

The weeks pass slowly. There was one time that Dennis texted Robby, just an ‘I’m sorry’. There’s never a response. There were endless shifts where he wished for those hands on his shoulders, squeezing him through the fabric of his scrubs. There were shifts where it was better, where he was praised by Al-Hashimi, but it wasn’t the same. It didn’t light his chest on fire, nor make him feel giddy with excitement. He accepted the praise with nods and quiet smiles. There were days where his stomach was in knots and he felt nauseous with anxiety, thinking about the way Robby had screamed. What he had screamed.

Part of Dennis hoped. That part would keep him up at night, imagining Robby getting the help he needed. Maybe group therapy in an inpatient program would show him that he’s not alone. There might be other burnt out healthcare workers who could see where he’s coming from. He’ll learn distress tolerance or other coping skills to deal with this world. Or maybe a therapist would tell him not to blame Dennis. That’s what Dennis was really hoping for relief from. The part where this is his fault. The part where he betrayed Robby’s trust and put his own selfishness first. Because at the end of the day that’s what drove him to it. His own desire for the man and the fear of losing him forever was too hard to think about. Yes, the signs were there, but maybe Dennis had overreacted, maybe he should’ve told Abbot first and gotten him to sign the papers.

When Robby returns, Dennis immediately knows there’s no hope of returning to before. The look he gives Dennis is nothing short of disgust. His lip curled, nostrils flared, eye brows drawn downward. It hits Dennis like a freight train. Abbot was right, of course he was right. Tears prickle his vision as Robby greets everyone except for him. Trinity notices and wraps an arm around his shoulder, squeezing. It’s just not the same.

“Whitaker, you’re in triage,” Robby’s command just makes him nod. Punishment, no doubt. A testament to how rotten this love of his was, how twisted and unwanted it is by the person it’s directed at. But he’ll do it, he’ll prove to Robby that this was for his own good. No matter how long it took.

It ended up taking weeks of triage. Every shift. Sometimes he gets pulled into relatively simple cases but otherwise he’s been banished. The phrase ‘Whitaker, you’re in triage,’ was carved into his brain. It was all Robby said to him. He barely checked on triage or how things were going, he had started asking the nurses. They would tell him, but give Dennis a pitiful look. Everyone knows. Everyone can tell how much anger he holds for Dennis. The resentment that bleeds into those four words, ‘Whitaker, you’re in triage,’ makes him ill.

Dennis feels like a black hole. He eats, he showers, he goes to work, he sleeps. Every day started to feel the same. He felt lost and disconnected from everything. Even when he hung out with Trinity and Javadi outside work, he felt like he was faraway. Sure he was laughing at their jokes and engaging with their conversations, but it felt like the real him was miles away, watching as he slowly faded into nothingness. That hole ate at him everyday, taking more and more of himself that he didn’t realize was left. Not until it was gone.

Trinity notices pretty early on and tries her best to stop the black hole from swallowing him. They hang out more, they go thrifting on their day off, they go to gay bars. And yet she knew and he knew that he was still being swept away. His guiding star had forsaken him. He was barely doing his job and what he loved doing.

It’s Abbot who approaches him in front of Robby for handoffs. He places a hand on his shoulder and hands him a list. Dennis misses the touch of Robby through his scrubs. Maybe if enough people grabbed him the way that Robby used to grab him, he would grow out of it. Forget the way his hand used to make its home on him so often. Staring at the list, it’s a bunch of names and numbers. When he looks back up, Abbot has the softest expression he’s ever seen.

“Therapists covered by the hospital, check them out for me, yeah?”

“O-okay,” He felt flushed and embarrassed that Abbot had noticed. How many other people had noticed? How obvious was he in this suffering? Abbot quirks an eyebrow, obviously not believing him. “I’ll call after the shift,” He sees Robby staring at them with a strange facial expression. He could’ve sworn he saw concern. But as soon as Robby meets his eyes, he schools it into something blank and reserved. “Thanks,”

When he walks away he feels two pairs of eyes watching.

To his credit, he does call some of the therapists for an intake appointment. The earliest one could do was his next day off in a couple weeks, which works for him. He even confirmed that they have hours outside his shifts. So he did that at least. But the black hole still ate away at him. And the days bled together more and more. He dreamed of Robby’s hand on his shoulder and his smile finally directed back at him. He dreamed of his body feeling like his again.

When his intake comes he does alright, he manages most of the process until he has to describe how he feels physically at the end. When he does, when he talks about the black hole he can’t help the tears that stream down his cheeks, the stutter of his words. And he can’t help but mention Robby, which Dr. Stevenson makes a note of in her journal.

The next session is hard. It doesn’t help that he doesn’t know how to disentangle his feelings from his memories of home and from the black holes that have swallowed him before. Dr. Stevenson says it’s alright. They talk a lot about Robby in that and subsequent sessions. He doesn’t tell her he’s in love with him, but he thinks she knows. She introduces him to CBT and DBT, Dennis already knew of them from his courses. But they talk about both more in depth.

He practices different coping mechanisms, some work better than others. There’s one called half smile, willing hands. He finds himself trying to be willing, to not be willful. He’s still new so he isn’t very good at it, but it’s something. They try other distress tolerance skills as the sessions go on and he’s starting to feel somewhat better. It’s only been three sessions over three weeks, but he leaves each session feeling slightly better.

But every session when he feels he’s improved, like he can handle painful things, is long forgotten when he steps foot back in the ED. Then the tugging of despair, that constant reminder etched in Robby’s face. The pity that people still have as he heads to triage, day after day. His coping mechanisms struggle to come to the forefront of his mind. It was like he had never been in therapy at all.

At some point his despair becomes tinged with anger. Why was what he did so unforgivable? Why was what he did, as part of his job really, so wretched to Robby, even after the man had been in inpatient and outpatient? What was it about Dennis that he hated other than that? Because when he works the few cases he gets pulled on, he’s never asked questions, never asked to take the lead. Once Robby just scoffs at him asking if more hands were needed. Always relegated to support, to doing the easy work. Part of him is angry at how his learning opportunities are being stripped from him. Another part, such a traitorous part, wonders if this is what he deserves for his desire. Was this enough punishment for love?

But he’s had enough, he needs to say something, anything, to be able to get his fucking life back. He approaches Robby in front of the board, where he tenses when he senses Dennis near him. He used to gravitate towards him, pull Dennis closer, grab him. Now it’s like he can’t bear the thought of being near Dennis, of sharing the same air as the man. Fuck why did he still crave to be right next to him, despite the obvious resentment?

“Dr. Robby, can I speak with you?” Dennis braves and is met with an icy look. It makes him freeze, stuck in place. He’d seen that look fixed on asshole patients who were threatening to injure staff or on cops who were being unreasonable and cruel. Never, never had it been directed at him. It makes that terrified part of him want to run and hide, to just continue accepting his punishment.

“Well?” Robby gestures for him to say whatever he had to say. Right here, in front of the buzzing emergency department. Princess and Perlah stared at them. Great. He wasn’t going to make this easy, was he?

“I just wanted to say that I’m—“

“Don’t,” The response once again freezes him in place. Robby leaves him standing in front of the board, tears welling in his eyes. That’s it? He’s not even deserving of explaining why he felt trapped in triage? Why he felt sidelined despite the talent that Robby used to praise? He blinks rapidly and starts again.

“You’re being unprofessional,” He says loud enough for others to hear and Robby stops, letting out a laugh. It’s not his old laugh, it’s something bitter and angry. Something he has heard when Robby talks to Gloria or other upper management. The condescension of it, as if to say ‘you have no idea who you’re talking to’ makes Dennis swallow. He thinks of Dr. Stevenson, how she’s urged him to communicate better, especially with Robby. Now was the time to try it out, right? “This is a teaching hospital,”

“Are you not learning anything in triage? It’s a very important part of the emergency department,” The condescension burns him. Robby turns to look at him, arms crossed across his chest. Of fucking course he’s pulling that card. Yes, triage is important but there’s so much more he’s supposed to be learning.

“I can’t change what happened, be mad at me, but be my mentor—“

“Don’t call me that, I’m your boss and the head of emergency medicine, but I am not your mentor,” That bitter laugh again and now the tears are harder to blink away but he does so, eyelashes wet. “Get back to work, triage needs you, and I don’t have the patience for you being moody,” And just like that he’s done with him again.

Dennis feels enraged at the public humiliation and the dismissal of the truth. But more than that, he feels utterly distraught that Robby no longer sees himself as one of his mentors, his teacher. All this is now is a boss and a worker. Nothing more. How could he ever think things would return to normal? His cheeks burn and his vision is a little blurry as he makes his way back to triage.

It’s a Monday when it happens. Slow start to the day so far with the elderly patients from care homes and a few minor injuries being handed off from night shift. The day passes slowly in triage, each person blending into the next. Dennis knows it’s not good to not remember each person throughout the day, but it’s hard when he’s seeing so many people in an hour.

Sneaking off to the break room for some coffee, he’s barely halfway finished with a cup when he’s being called back by Donnie. Groaning he follows, tossing his cup into the trash. He squirts hand sanitizer on his hands and rubs them together as he follows Donnie.

“Mr. Miller accidentally burnt his arm while grilling, haven’t removed the bandage yet,” Donnie explains as Dennis walks towards the patient, an older man who looks disgruntled. Probably not the best way to end the grilling season, but at least he’s not screaming in agony. In Donnie’s hands are more bandages that he sets down on the table when they finally meet Mr. Miller.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Whitaker. Let’s take a look at this burn,” Dennis snaps on gloves and goes to reach for the bandages that cover the older man’s arm.

“I don’t want some faggot touching me,” The man grabs his arm from Dennis and the word stings. It wasn’t the first time a homophobic patient said something like this or requested a different doctor. His gayness, like his transness, wasn’t something he thought about very much. It just was. Even when he was at gay bars, it wasn’t something that occurred to him while he made out with men or got their numbers. But apparently other people noticed it and it bothered them. A lot.

“Whoa hey, we don’t use that kind of language. You came in for care, you’re gonna get whoever is available,” Donnie retorts, which Dennis is thankful for because he was just standing with his mouth open. Quickly closing it, he goes to pull the gauze away and in dizzying speed feels something connect with his nose. Hard. “HEY, SECURITY!” Donnie yells out and Dennis feels another hit land against his cheek just as security sprints in.

“I said I don’t want a fucking faggot touching me!” The man bellows but Dennis can’t even really process it because his face is so warm. And wet. Blood gushes down from his nose and he’s hit with a pain he hasn’t known in years in his cheek and jaw. Security has him handcuffed and he’s howling about how much it hurts but Dennis just stands there, shocked.

It wasn’t the first time he has been touched by a patient but normally it’s been swats or even a slap to the face. Never this. Never knuckles against his skin, never such vitriol as this. He’s keenly aware that it was done to make him hurt, as penance for his gayness. And it does hurt. But he won’t accept that he’s supposed to be guilty for the crime of love. He grabs some of the bandages they had brought out to exchange for the man’s bandages and holds it around his nose.

“What’s going on in… here,” Robby enters, taking a look at Dennis and going still. Great. Here he is probably thinking of how fucking useless and what a mess it would be to deal with this. He’ll probably find some way to make it Dennis’ fault, given how hellbent he’s been on making Dennis’ work life hell. Or he’ll try to relegate him to something else, something even lower than triage and chairs. Doing everyone else’s charting or something, if that’s even legal. Hell even if it’s not, what wouldn’t Robby do at this point?

“It’s fine, just a misun—,” Dennis tries to explain but of course is interrupted by the agitated man.

“You’re gonna burn in fucking hell you faggot,” The name no longer stings as much but Dennis turns on his heel and walks out. Everyone is staring and great, now he’s covered in blood and everyone heard him get called a slur for being gay. Of all his coworkers, he only explicitly told Trinity and Victoria that he was gay.

Speaking of Trinity, she rushes to him, eyes wide with panic. She yells that they’re taking one of the rooms in central. He doesn’t complain, just follows her and sits on the bed. She snaps gloves on and gingerly touches his nose. Without being able to help it, he winces.

“What the fuck Huckleberry are you okay?!” Tears prickle his vision at the concern in her voice and the pain radiating from his face. He needed something to numb it, now. Or at least control the swelling that was no doubt happening. Anything to distract him from the sharp stinging rippling across his face.

“Gotta love being gay, right?” He jokes and she doesn’t laugh. “It’ll be fine, I think my nose might be broken though,”

The door opens and they both turn to see a red faced Robby. Oh he’s pissed. Great, now he was about to be yelled at by Robby, who already hates his guts. This was probably one of the worst days of his life. Worse than when he was living on the eighth floor and barely had enough to eat. Worse than the weeks prior, facing Robby’s cold indifference or resentment everyday.

“Santos, I’ve got this, go back to your patients,” His voice is rough and usually Trinity would argue but his tone leaves no room for argument. She just nods and shoots Dennis a sympathetic look.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have tried to take his bandage off,” Dennis says as soon as the doors close. “I can find someone else to—“

“Are you okay?” Robby interrupts with exasperation and he is shocked by how worried he sounds. The tears that he’d been pushing back suddenly blur his vision again. “That shouldn’t happen to anyone, Whitaker,” It is the first time hearing his name from the man in almost a month and it makes him hurt. It’s something deep that he’s tried to push away this past month. He feels something so raw and dangerous at that, the idea that maybe Robby was actually concerned about his wellbeing. Maybe he is the only one allowed to hurt Dennis.

“Don’t… don’t do whatever this is, not after what you’ve done,”

“What I’ve done?” Robby raises his voice, nearing Dennis. He flinches involuntarily and Robby’s expression twists into something horrible. Something like pity and anger and maybe regret. Dennis hates to see it, hates to see him look pained. Even if he was hurting Dennis every day, if he didn’t see his pain it was okay. But an anger overrides it all, how could he act like he was the victim here?

“You’ve kept me in triage for almost a month, don’t act like it’s not related to the psych hold,” Dennis continues because fuck him. The attending has been unprofessional towards him, he might as well swing at the hornets nest. If he’s gonna be fired, so be it, he’ll go to Presby or wherever. Maybe he’d even tell Abbot, he’d be on his side on this. But he’s tired and he can’t keep living like this. “I’m not sorry for it. If it were anyone else I’d still do it,”

“I offered you my house while I was gone, I trusted you,” Robby snaps a glove on and removes the bandage from Dennis’ hand. A fresh wave of blood follows and Robby tsks. “And you threw it in my face, embarrassed me in front of everyone,” Dennis wants to scream at him, wants to tell him he’ll do it again if it means Robby’s alive. Even if he hates him, he’s alive.

“If that’s what you call saving your life, so be it,” Dennis glares now, because what else is he supposed to do? Despite his feelings of wanting to do everything that Robby asks of him, to prove himself again, he was tired. He was exhausted. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t professional and they all know it. “I couldn’t live without you, if you… if anything happened to you I don’t think I could keep doing this,” He admits, tears prickling his eyes. Robby freezes. “So if you hate me fine, but at least you’re here,”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I know you know, even through the shit you’ve put me through this month,” Robby is tilting his face, checking his cheek and winces at whatever he sees. Or maybe he winces at the words themselves. There was no way Robby didn’t know his feelings for him.

“You’re gonna have a hell of a shiner,” Robby’s ignoring of his comment makes the tears finally escape. Not only had he not changed, he was worse. And it hurts. Why did loving someone have to hurt so much? Robby ignores his tears and he closes his eyes as fingers gingerly touch his nose. He can taste his blood and now his tears and snot and all he wants is to curl up in bed and forget this day ever happened. And maybe he could forget his feelings too.

“If you want me to leave, I’ll go to Presby. Maybe that’s the best thing for both of us,” The silence that follows is long and tense. He doesn’t open his eyes, he just lets the tears leak out of his eyes. That was probably the best course of action for either of them, right? Not just for Robby’s resentment but for Dennis’ hopeless crush.

“Stay, please,” Robby’s voice is soft and closer and he opens his eyes to see the man looking at him with a pained expression. “You’re right, I’ve been a dick, putting you in triage, ignoring you… you embarrassed me even if it was for my own good, I didn’t want help. I’m sorry, Dr. Whitaker,”

“Okay,” Is all Dennis says, and then Robby is standing to call out to a nurse for pain killers. Strong pain killers.

“We’re gonna have to reset your nose,” He looks dismayed by the fear that Dennis must express. “Yeah, we’re not doing it while you’re unmedicated,” He chuckles and Dennis can’t help but let a little chuckle out too.

 

The next week is better. Dennis is back on cases and can’t help the grin on his face when Robby finally says his name again without the intense dripping of contempt. When he presents to Robby, he’s professional and cordial. Once, he even asks him how his day was going. It’s not like it was before but it’s better. And he can’t help the pep in his step when he enters. He’s excited for his shifts again, looking forward to the wildness that the ED brings day after day, exhausting as it is.

The black hole seems to be kept at bay. Slowly he regains parts of himself, smiling at jokes at work, spending time alone and not feeling agonized, watching movies with Trinity and not leaving as soon as it was over. She notices too, one arm hugging him one night, saying she’s glad things are starting to feel better. And they are. Everything is starting to feel better now that Robby was not sidelining him to triage.

Dr. Stevenson noticed the change too. He tells her how much better things are going, excited that things seem to be looking up. Listening patiently as always, she waits a few moments after he’s done updating her before talking. She is always intentional in her choosing her words.

“This Dr. Robby was cruel to you, Dennis. Have you processed how his apology made you feel and whether you accept it or not?”

“W-what do you mean? He’s not being a dick anymore, and he said he’s sorry,”

“He only apologized when you mentioned leaving, correct? And after you had been injured?” Dennis swallows hard. He started to understand what she meant. If he left before his internship was over, there would be questions. Of course he could lie, say it’s about the money, but he’d need a stronger reason to leave than that. He’d need a reason like a chief attending acting inappropriately towards him. And what would that mean for Robby? An investigation into his conduct? Revealing that he was intentionally sidelining the intern that put him in a psych hold?

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He already knew what she meant, but maybe she would say something different.

“Do you think he apologized for his own self preservation or because he is truly sorry for hurting you?”

The next day he’s turning Dr. Stevenson’s words in his head. They had talked about continuing his distress tolerance practice because even if it wasn’t Robby now, it could be something else later. It would be something later, and as he watches Robby move with purpose through the ED, it could very well still be Robby. Because did he actually forgive him? And was Robby actually sorry, or just covering his own ass?

Robby didn’t look at Dennis when he addressed him, instead his eyes are always over his shoulder, at the tablet Dennis holds, on the board. Of course. It should’ve been obvious to Dennis that the man still resents him. Dr. Robby is a bitter man, Dennis has known this. Has felt it. But the joy that he had been feeling the past few days crashes back into despair. It’s like he can feel himself slipping, the black hole hungry again.

Abbot is unfortunately very observant whenever he sees Dennis. And he’s gotten handsy with him, touching him like Robby used to. It’s not like he minds it or is even bothered by it. Instead it’s more like he wishes so badly that his hands were bigger and that he was a different attending. He caught Robby’s eye as Abbot squeezed his shoulder once. And for a moment, he swears he saw jealousy.

“Hey kid, how’s he been treating you?” His voice is low enough that just the two of them can hear. Other than the therapist thing, Abbot is pretty good about trying to keep things private. He feels like the therapist thing was supposed to be a jab to Robby, a cue for him to get his act together. Whether he missed the cue or didn’t care to follow it, nothing had changed after that. It was only after the Mr. Miller incident that anything shifted.

“Uh, yeah he still hates my guts but I’m not in triage anymore,” Dennis watches Robby stalk towards them. He looks annoyed, probably that Dennis and Abbot seem so chummy. Dennis bets that Robby thinks Dennis should be on his own island, isolated from everyone and everything, for what he did.

“Well hey, look at that,” Abbot pats his back and then, seeing Robby, adds: “You were right. Don’t let anyone, especially him, tell you otherwise,” The words make Dennis warm. Of course he knows logically that he’s right. That’s not a question, his attending was definitely going to kill himself. But he sometimes wishes that he could have things differently, that Robby would have come back and forgiven him. He’s being willful, he recognizes it, but he indulges in his suffering.

“I know,” Dennis replies just as Robby stands before them. The air is tense.

“Good talk, go check on my patient in central eight for me, yeah?” Dennis nods and leaves the two attendings before Robby can say anything to him. As he leaves he hears a ‘what the hell was that’ and his heart hurts. Did he not deserve some basic compassion?

 

“Whitaker,” A hand falls on his shoulder and his heart leaps for joy. Schooling his features, he doesn’t grin like he wants to. Instead he meets Robby’s eyes, there seems to be something conflicted going on. “You’re with me, we’ve got incoming trauma,” Dennis nods so fast his world spins.

It’s a car crash victim, they hadn’t been wearing a seatbelt, and had been launched out the window. Part of Dennis wonders if it’s even possible to save this person. The other part tells himself to shut up and try. It’s clumsy in trauma one, trying to remember everything that has become rusted. But he does well and Robby even asks him questions that he finds himself answering before consciously thinking about it.

Langdon gives him a look as they wheel the person up to the OR for major surgery. Everyone else had shuffled out, leaving the room empty and covered in gloves and surgical gowns. It’s something careful, something like he’s calculating his exact words.

“You good? You look…manic,” Dennis realizes he was grinning and wipes the smile from his face. How long had he been grinning like that? Did Robby see?

“It’s just… good to be back,” Langdon seems to understand then. He had been the pariah when he first returned but was forgiven in the weeks since Robby’s return. It had made Dennis incredibly jealous, to see Langdon in what had become his place beside Robby. But if anyone knew what it was like to fall from the grace of Dr. Michael Robinavitch, it was Langdon. So he nods and leaves, stripping his blood covered gloves and surgical gown. Dennis follows suit, leaving the now empty room.

“Huckleberry,” Trinity greets him as he exits trauma one. “Someone looks happy,” She mutters, heading to the computer. He follows, he’s still too excited to just leave it be. Being able to save someone like that always made him feel this rush of adrenaline and energy that he had grown to love in his time in the ED.

“It’s the first trauma I’ve been pulled into since, y’know,” He gestures his head to where Robby stands talking to McKay. She looks upset about something he said and Dennis swallows. He’s not the only one who faces Robby’s wrath when he’s pissed, even if he had been dealing with the brunt of it the past month. Flicking his eyes back to Trinity’s, she’s staring at the computer screen as she charts.

“Look at you, doing your job,” She teases and he rolls his eyes. She types and clicks around, waiting for him to either be done with it or say something of importance.

“What if we went to Blue Moon, like tomorrow or Friday?” He ventures and her eyebrows shoot up. In their time together, she had always been the one to suggest going out to the gay bars, not him. He went along of course, he wanted to go, it’s not like she forced him. He wasn't always great with alcohol and had, on more than one occasion, ended up talking about Robby when he got drunk to whoever would listen.

“Sure, what brought this on?”

“Just feeling lucky,” He shrugs. “Maybe I want to see some drag,” There was sometimes drag shows on Fridays, and they were pretty good. He usually was pretty stingy with his tips because of student loans and everything but maybe he was feeling generous.

“You do love your drag,” She admits, but stares at him for a few seconds. “Are you finally trying to get laid?”

“What? No— I’m just—“

“Whitaker, do you really have time to be standing around gossiping?” Robby’s voice makes him jump. He flushes and turns over his shoulder to see the man nearly seething. “Go check on your patients, don’t make me regret taking you out of triage,” Great, of course his good mood wasn’t going to last. Trinity gives Robby the stink eye as Dennis pushes away from the station and heads to check on his patient labs that should be done by.

It’s a small mistake, really. He forgot to order one lab for the patient, but as soon as Robby heard, he was furious. As soon as he ordered it and it had been run, it ended up not being needed. But that didn’t really matter, not in Robby’s eyes. Yes, he fucked up and he would admit that. But he caught the WBC and correctly diagnosed the appendicitis.

Robby doesn’t care as he drags him to the break room, closing the door gingerly behind them.

“You realize you could’ve put the patient’s life in jeopardy if you were wrong and had missed that lab?” He hisses at Dennis in the break room, making Dennis look to the ground. “Look at me when I speak to you,” Dennis drags his eyes up and cringes at the anger that meets him. It’s not about this, he reminds himself. It’s not about this test, this anger always circles back to the psych hold.

“I know, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again,”

“How do I know that? How can I trust that you won’t make that mistake again or any other stupid mistake?” Dennis wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say so he doesn’t say anything. If he tries to argue and fight with Robby it’ll just get worse, Robby will become smug at his defensiveness. If he admits that he probably will make a mistake again, Robby will berate him even more. So silence it is, which makes Robby even more agitated, somehow. “How do you expect to be able to treat patients effectively if you can forget such a simple lab? Maybe medicine isn’t for you, Whitaker,” And that was a slap to the face. Robby knew part of how hard he had worked to get here. How much he studied and continues to study to stay here. What he had given up. He doesn’t even know about Dennis staying on the eighth floor.

“Fuck you,” The words tumble out but before he can regret them, Robby’s eyebrows shooting up, he continues. “I am an intern, I’m going to make mistakes, that’s the whole fucking point, I’m not a goddamn attending,”

“Yeah, you are an intern so watch your fucking tone with your attending,” Robby crowds into his space and his breath hitches. His eyes can’t help but fall to Robby’s lips and he mentally slaps himself for getting turned on right now. Snapping his eyes back up, Robby’s anger is radiating off him. He should be scared. But god he wasn’t, he was angry and turned on. “Do you think you have any right to talk to me the way you are?”

“Dr. Robby, I can’t believe it took me so long to see how bitter and cruel you are,” Now Robby’s anger is replaced by shock. He steps back like he was slapped and Dennis uses the move to escape. While he wants to say more, go for Robby’s throat and tell him how much of a dick he really is, he has some self preservation. His heart pounds as he thinks about the intensity in Robby’s eyes, the hurt when Dennis called him bitter and cruel. It didn’t make Dennis feel any better, he knew it wouldn’t. What he needs is to scream and cry and take a shower hotter than hell itself.

Throughout the shift Robby limits their interactions, barely checking in with him beyond another trauma, a gunshot wound. The person didn’t make it, they had lost too much blood on the way there. If they had been just a few minutes closer, maybe they would’ve made it. The silence hangs heavy after Robby calls it. There’s this terrible dripping sound that Dennis searches for the source. It’s the hand of the patient, hanging off as blood dribbles down onto the ground. It makes his stomach turn for some reason, even though he’s well used to blood.

After the moment of silence, everyone is filing out, but Robby stops him, ungloved hand on his shoulder. Involuntarily he melts into the touch. Fuck, he shouldn’t crave that touch as much as he does. The anger he had been holding on to melts away.

“I uh, might’ve been a little hard on you earlier,” Robby’s attempt at an apology sucks but it’s better than nothing. Sighing, Dennis just nods. “You’re still a new doctor, your job is to learn,” He continues and looks sincere. God, Dennis wants to kiss him so badly. He should probably have some higher self worth because he knows logically that he shouldn’t be so into someone who has so consistently been a dick to him. But he can’t help the way his heart speeds up as he stares into those warm brown eyes. “And you belong in medicine I can’t… imagine you doing anything else,”

“I shouldn’t have sworn at you,” Is Dennis’ response because yeah, that was unprofessional. So he’ll admit that much. “That was inappropriate,”

“Anything else?” Robby searches his face, looking for something. Unsure of what he’s trying to find, Dennis stares blankly back at him. What, was he supposed to admit he got sort of turned on when Robby got mad at him? Robby just nods, looking at the ground before patting his shoulder and leaving him alone.

 

There’s a plan to have a happy hour of sorts among the day shift tonight that has Dennis buzzing. It’s been a while since he hung out with people outside of work other than Javadi and of course Trinity. He likes to catch up with the other doctors, especially Mel and Samira, about their lives and their cases. He knows Mel has been trying to find some time for herself outside of work but he wonders how successful she’s been. Samira has been accepted to a fellowship that starts in a few months and has been excited as hell to get out of the ED.

The shift passes smoothly, meaning he’s not as exhausted as he usually is and feels like he can actually socialize this time. There was one happy hour where he nearly fell asleep in the middle of Kim’s story, which he hasn’t stopped apologizing for, he had just been so exhausted. When everyone is leaving, he sees Robby talking to Abbot. He can’t help but hope he’ll be there, that Dennis will get to hear his laugh even if it’s not directed at him.

The bar is one they’ve been to a few times for these types of gatherings. Near the hospital and usually pretty empty on a week night, it was a dive bar that reminded Dennis of the bars back in Nebraska. It smells of old cigarettes, beer, and whatever fried food they serve there. The neon beer signs on the wall are brighter than the ceiling lights. They remind Dennis of one of his freshman year roommates, who had a penchant for stealing them from local bars.

The tables they sit at are the same ones they always grab with about twenty seats when they push all the tables together. Gerri, the same waitress they always have, takes their orders with ease, used to the large group. Dennis orders some bottled beer because it’s the cheapest next to a Hamm’s. He catches up with Mel about Stardew Valley, which she had just gotten into, and which players to romance. She correctly guesses that he probably romances Harvey and blushes at how obvious his feelings must be if that’s her first guess. The farmer who wants the doctor? Groundbreaking.

When Robby gets there, the last seat available is between Dennis and Dana. Robby seems to weigh his options of leaving, pulling a chair up somewhere else, or sitting next to Dennis. He chooses to sit beside Dennis and it makes his heart race. He can smell the man’s natural musk from here and he wants to bury his face in his neck. Gerri comes by and Robby orders a draft beer, which comes out pretty fast. They’re silent, Dennis hoping that Robby will join Dana’s conversation but he just stares at Dennis. Fuck, how is he supposed to talk when those brown eyes are staring into his soul.

“So… how’s life been?” Dennis cringes at his words but Robby snorts. To make sure he doesn’t say something else that sounds so inane he takes a pull from his beer bottle. Robby’s eyes follow the movement before clearing his throat.

“It’s been… okay. I got plants but I don’t know how good I am at taking care of them, I think they died,” There’s a bustling noise as someone does a shot, cheering followed by it. Dennis guesses it’s Victoria but can’t confirm it from their current spot. The cheering dies down but he can hear some teasing following.

“Oh cool, what kind?” He had always loved plants. Growing up there was obviously the crops that they had to take care of, but his mother also had houseplants she kept for years. There would be days when she would explain to Dennis the different things the plants liked. Some liked lots of water, some preferred less water, some thrived in the sun, others did better when they were out of direct sunlight. She would talk to them as she took care of them. Sometimes Dennis would talk to them too, telling them his secrets.

“Pothos and a spider plant,” Robby takes a sip of his own beer, probably some sort of IPA. He seemed like an IPA guy. Something bitter and hoppy that would get him closer to being tipsy with the high ABV. Dennis wonders how it would taste from his mouth, immediately grateful for the low lighting that must hide his blush.

“Two dramatic plants for sure,” Dennis snorts and Robby throws him a quizzical look. “When you don’t water them enough they wilt, even if it hasn’t been that long,” Now he feels proud about his knowledge as Robby nods slowly. But Robby was looking at him sideways. This should be a perfectly safe topic, so why did he feel like he was being evaluated right now?

“Big plant guy?”

“Hah, yeah, I grew up with a lot of plants and crops around. I miss it,” He stares down at his bottle. The label is starting to peel so he tugs at it a little, ripping off only a small part of it. Oh man, he thought it was just gonna easily tear off a big chunk. Nothing was ever that easy though, was it?

“You don’t have any right now?” Looking back up, Robby’s eyebrows scrunch together like he was truly perplexed by this revelation. Part of it was because Trinity was fostering a cat right now and so many plants were toxic to animals who couldn’t help but gnaw on them. Another reason was lack of space and sunlight. The only room that got direct sunlight was Trinity’s room, typically in the morning. All the plants he wanted needed direct sunlight.

“No, I mean you have to get the right soil and usually repot whatever you buy,” Are his excuses, which to be fair it did require some disposable income he didn’t typically have. Or that he’d rather spend at the gay bars. One day he’ll have plants again, a whole bunch of them on a window sill that he’ll be able to talk to.

“The right… soil?” Oh the man was completely clueless. He groans and puts his face in his hand. This man was an extremely intelligent chief attending but that knowledge didn’t translate to other things it seemed. How he had decided to buy two plants with no knowledge of how to care for them is beyond Dennis.

“How long have you had your plants?”

“A month?”

“Okay, you’re gonna go to a plant nursery or a hardware store and you’re gonna buy some houseplant fertilizer and also ask them for their recommendation for the best soil for a pothos and a spider plant,” Dennis explains, watching as Robby doesn’t seem to really be listening. He seems distracted, but Dennis doesn’t know by what. There’s the conversations around him, he’s probably catching something that Dennis doesn’t hear. But he’s staring right at Dennis, so he’s not sure what to make of it. His eyes slip lower than Dennis’ eyes before snapping back up.

“You don’t know what soil to use?” Now Robby looked a little smug, as if he had somehow caught Dennis, and Dennis snorts. As much as he’s sure the man is looking for a reason to see Dennis trip up, this was one topic he felt more confident in his knowledge in comparison to Robby’s.

“Oh I know, but you’re a big boy,” He can’t help the grin as he teases and Robby smiles back. Right now Dennis was on cloud nine. It felt like old times, it felt like before. It felt nice, comfortable. He had longed for this for so long, had waited and toiled and put himself through hell and finally, finally he had some normalcy.

“You know, I could do that thing where you cut off a part of the plant and give it to someone, if you wanted a pothos” Dennis’ stomach is warm, had Robby thought of giving him a plant cutting? Why did that make him feel so happy?

“Oh propagation? Yeah, if you know where to snip,” He does a little cutting motion with his fingers and Robby chuckles.

“Maybe you could show me?” It makes Dennis’ heart flutter. He felt a warmth behind the words that he wanted to bathe in forever. Being in Robby’s light was the most intoxicating feeling in the world. Part of him wishes he were one of his plants, so that he could soak up the sun and Robby’s presence as much as he needs to.

“S-sure, it’s pretty easy. Do you talk to your plants at all?” Dennis had to lean closer as it starts to get louder, the din of other conversations around them. Robby leans in too.

“Why would I talk to them?” Robby stares at him, confused. To be fair not many people did talk to their plants, it was sort of a quirky thing he supposed.

“Oh no it just, sometimes it helps them, and it can be kinda nice. Plants don’t judge, you can tell them whatever,” He jokes and it falls flat. Something he said must’ve reminded Robby that oh yeah he actually hates Dennis. His expression shuts down and he just nods, pulling away and jumping into the conversation with Dana on his other side. Dennis squeezes his eyes shut before breathing in deeply. What did he do wrong? What was it that he fucked up this time?

He finishes his beer and stands, ready to leave, putting a five dollar bill down. Trinity looks like she’s still having a good time so he decides to slip out. It’s not like anyone notices anyway. He doubts that anyone ever did. Walking to the bus stop, he kicks a rock that’s laying in the middle of the sidewalk. Watching it bounce a few times before coming to a skidding stop a few feet ahead, he repeats the motion. As he walks, he keeps kicking the rock, feeling a little cathartic at doing so.

The bus ride home isn’t very long, only about ten or fifteen minutes. The whole ride he thinks about how warm he had felt, how nice it had been to be back in Robby’s good graces. But it was such a fragile thing, Robby’s affection. And Dennis was exhausted from chasing after it but he couldn’t help himself. It was the one thing that he felt like he needed, the way he needed air and water. He needed Robby to look at him how he used to, with that softness, that fondness. Just like how he was looking at him in the bar.

Dennis replays their conversation in his mind as he falls asleep. A part of him that can’t help itself imagines Robby in his bed. Not even in a sexual sense, but just laying beside him. Would he talk in his sleep? Would he wrap his arms around Dennis and pull him close to him? Would he press a kiss to Dennis’ temple after a long day? These fantasies kept him going despite the reality of Robby’s grudge. He falls asleep thinking about watering Robby’s plants.

 

There’s a change in Robby, he notices it the next day. Suddenly the man seems to be seeking him out more, pulling him back on more complex cases. Dennis tries not to think much of it. Now that he’s been outside Robby’s grace, he knows what a fragile thing it is to be in it. He understands now more than ever how something deemed a fuck up by Robby meant his wrath. Yet Dennis still follows him like a dog.

When Robby steers him by his shoulders one day over to a more private spot, he panics. There wasn’t anything he did wrong, he didn’t think. Sweat starts to gather around his forehead, collecting into little droplets that line his hairline. His heart starts to pound and he swallows, trying to control his breathing which has turned shallow.

When Robby looks at his face, he’s visibly shaken.

“Geez kid, I’m… I wanted to say sorry,” He looks guilty about the reaction he had involuntarily created. The words wash over Dennis and he feels his tense shoulders relax.

“You’ve already said sorry,” He reminds him, but finds himself appreciating the gesture. It wouldn’t hurt to hear it a few more times.

“And I’m gonna say it again. Because I mean it,” Robby takes a shuddering breath in. “I took learning opportunities away from you because I couldn’t get over my personal feelings, I’m sorry for that,” And he does look genuine. This time there was no injury nor threat of Dennis leaving, it was just Robby apologizing. He seems to think Dennis’ silence is him not accepting it, so he continues. “And I’m sorry for blaming you for putting me in a psych hold when I needed it,” This is quieter. If anyone walked by they probably would have missed it. But Dennis doesn’t.

He opens his mouth but is unsure of what to say. For almost two months now he had dealt with Robby’s cold behavior. Even when he had been brought back onto cases, Robby had been cold with him. So this, out of seemingly nowhere and after the incident at the bar, confused him. What was going on in Robby’s head? What was he trying to achieve with this?

“You don’t need to accept it, I know I don’t deserve it,” With that, Robby pats his shoulder and leaves. Dennis is left to try to understand why he did that. Did Abbot finally get to him? Or did his therapy finally start to make some real changes in his behavior? Either way, Dennis thinks about the words for the rest of the shift.

Did he want to forgive Robby? Yes, of course. His feelings for Robby had him forgiving the man preemptively, wanting things to go back to ‘normal’. He reminds himself that he had only known Robby for a couple of months before he started his internship. His feelings probably weren’t love, he scolds himself. He had never really been in love. It was probably just a really big crush he’s had on the attending, not love. Regardless, he wants to accept the apology because it seems like genuine recognition that he hurt Dennis. And that was all Dennis wanted, and things were returning to how they were before.

Part of him wonders what Dr. Stevenson would say. He doesn’t see her until Thursday so he would have to wait for her advice. But that doesn’t stop his mind from wandering. Maybe she’d ask if there was some prompting event that made Robby apologize. Dennis couldn’t think of any that he was involved in. Maybe it has nothing to do with Dennis.

There was something weird going on with Robby. He was acting kinder, not just to Dennis, but to everyone. Trinity thinks he’s got a cancer diagnosis but Dennis knows it’s not that. Dennis watches, he’s always been good at that. He watches as Robby doesn’t lose his temper, he watches as Robby takes time to eat lunch, he watches Robby commend Gloria and management for something they did. That made his eyebrows raise, the man never gave management grace. It made Dennis’ mind race, a fear that maybe instead of burning bridges with everyone, this attempt had Robby trying to right his wrongs.

Asking Abbot about it, the man fixes him with a strange look. It’s one that’s borderline suspicious, whether that’s directed at Robby’s behavior or Dennis bringing it up, he doesn’t know. The man nods slowly, processing the information. His eyes seek out Robby in the department, eventually landing on him. Turning, Dennis fixes his eyes on him too. There’s this warmth that radiates in Dennis’ stomach when he sees Robby smiling and talking with Dana. When he turns back to Abbot, that strange look is fixed on him once again.

“Maybe he’s actually listening to someone else for a change,” Abbot eventually replies. “Lord knows he needs to,” Dennis sort of smiles at that, agreeing. “Get back to work, kid,”

Not knowing what to do with Abbot’s answer, he continues to watch Robby. And feels himself remembering all the things about Robby that he loves. The way he cares for patients, his dry sense of humor, the crows feet that Dennis wants to kiss. There’s a few times where he gets caught staring at the man and he usually turns away. But every now and then Robby holds his gaze, sometimes quizzical, sometimes an expression Dennis doesn’t understand. It’s something soft, making Robby’s shoulders ease, his eyes warm, a small smile gracing his features. For the life of him, Dennis couldn’t figure out what Robby was trying to communicate back to him.

When he broaches the subject with Dr. Stevenson, she listens and writes something down. It always makes him curious to know what is noteworthy and what isn’t. But she never tells him what she writes down.

“How has your relationship with Dr. Robby been since he apologized again?”

“Great, it’s still awkward sometimes but he’s been having me back on cases that are more complex, I’ve only had to do triage one other time, and he’s not scowling at me anymore,” He couldn’t help the smile on his face. It had been nice to get back to something he could consider normal. And it had been even better to have Robby’s attention on him in a positive way.

“That sounds like a very positive development,” Dr. Stevenson notes, watching Dennis. “Dennis, I’m worried that you base your self worth as a doctor on the way that this Dr. Robby treats you,”

“Well, no, when he was mad at me I knew I was still a good doctor, it just…” He trails off, looking anywhere but Dr. Stevenson. “It just means a lot when he recognizes it too,” How could he explain the way his entire body felt alive when Robby complimented him? How could he explain that without Robby’s approval he had felt lost and angry and terrified? How could he explain that he felt tethered to Robby and even when he inevitably works elsewhere, he will always find himself thinking of the attending? “His opinion means a lot to me but it isn’t the only thing I think about,” That was partially true, right?

“Okay,” Is all Dr. Stevenson says and they move on.

 

Robby finds Dennis in the break room and Dennis can’t help but appreciate the way the man’s arms look. He’s got his tattoos on display, the ones that Dennis wants to kiss and tell him he’s an edgy idiot for getting. Instead he finishes eating his protein bar, crumpling the wrapper up and checking the table for any crumbs. Robby sits down across from him and it’s only then that Dennis realizes he has something in his hand.

“Is that…” Dennis can’t help the smile breaking as he watches Robby set a small potted pothos on the table. It looks pretty good, meaning Robby probably did some research on how to correctly propagate and pot a plant.

“I got the right soil and had propagated this little guy, you can give him a name if you want,” Robby slides the pothos over and Dennis is grinning now. His heart beat a little harder at the thought of Robby learning to propagate and pot a plant for him. Before he can let it get to his head he reminds himself that Robby probably gave other people the same thing. It was perfect though, pothos didn’t need direct sunlight so he could keep this in his room. A piece of Robby that he will cherish.

“Thank you, I’ll have to make sure Tri—Santos’ foster doesn’t get anywhere near it,”

“What does she foster?”

“A cat, our building doesn’t allow dogs,”

“You don’t mind the animals?” Dennis laughs at that and Robby nods, remembering. “Farm boy,” The way he says it makes Dennis’ stomach feel warm. He wonders what a few other phrases would sound like from Robby’s lips.

“Yeah we had some barn cats, they mostly kept to themselves but some liked to cuddle. Do you have any pets?” He touches the leaf of the pothos, stroking it gently, feeling the life beneath his fingers. Robby follows the movement and swallows.

“Nope, never been much of a pet guy,” Now his eyes are trained on Dennis, but not quite his eyes. Dennis blinks and that seems to draw the attention up. “They make too much of a mess,”

“I could see you with a dog,” Dennis muses, still holding onto his wrapper. Robby smiles at that, a fondness that makes Dennis sick with joy. Fuck, he needs to get back to his patients but he doesn’t want to leave this moment, doesn’t want to lose Robby’s attention. Anything to hold on to this feeling like he’s high.

“What kind of dog do you see me having?” Now Robby leans forward, hands on his knees. There’s a playfulness to it, like no matter what Dennis answers it will be correct.

“Cavalier king charles spaniel,” Dennis says after a few moments and Robby tilts his head. “Here,” Searching up a photo he turns his phone to Robby who leans closer to see the screen. A laugh erupts and Dennis is surprised by it, but loves it all the same. “They’re low maintenance for the most part, friendly, loyal,”

“Aren’t all dogs sort of loyal?” Dennis makes a face at that and Robby laughs again. He’d definitely had a few dogs on the farm who probably didn’t care whether he lived or died and some who were fiercely protective of his family. There was one, Dottie, that had been particularly fond of Dennis and always followed him as he did his chores. When one of the roosters would chase after him, Dottie would growl and the rooster would behave. Even though she didn’t come inside often, when she did he always made sure to give her a treat. He was a junior in high school when they had to put her down.

“I could see you spoiling a dog, getting them fancy treats from those dog bakeries,” Imagining it makes Dennis feel warm. This jaded man with a little ball of sunshine, smiling as Robby buys the best toys, the best treats, the best food for them. Maybe Robby spends his evenings reading, with the dog curled up next to him, enjoying his presence. The thought makes his heart ache a little at the domesticity of it.

“Only the best,” He agrees and then slaps his knees and stands. “Alright, enough chit chat, let’s get back out there,” Dennis nods, standing and Robby is incredibly close now. It makes Dennis’ breath hitch, his eyes involuntarily drifting to Robby’s lips. Robby licks them, and Dennis holds his breath, thinking of what that tongue would feel like against his own, against his pus— he tears his eyes away to see Robby staring down at him with an unreadable expression.

“See you out there,” He says to avoid doing anything incredibly stupid. Bringing the plant with him, he heads to his locker. The entire walk there his heart is pounding so loud he’s scared everyone can hear it.

 

“Dennis, your ex is here,” Trinity announces and he feels multiple heads turn to him. “He wants to see you,” He had one Pittsburgh ex, Joey, who ended on… okay terms. It had been while Robby was at inpatient, it lasted about a month. Joey was fine, he was kind and funny, but he wasn’t Robby. And ultimately, that’s what it always came down to, regardless of how Joey treated him.

“I— shouldn’t treat him, conflict of interest,” Dennis excuses himself. Really he doesn’t know what he would even say to Joey. Or what Joey would say to him. Because if he was wanting to see Dennis, it didn’t take a genius to figure out that he might still be interested. And Dennis didn’t know what to do with that, he never had when he wasn’t as interested as the other person.

“Oh I already treated him, he’s just insistent on seeing you before he leaves,” She tugs at her stethoscope and slides her eyes to where Robby stands. Dennis doesn’t dare look, this was completely unprofessional, wasn’t it? “Give him a chance, he’s a good guy,”

“Ugh, okay, I’ve got time,” He bemoans and she grins. It wasn’t actually that big of an ask, he did like Joey. And maybe Joey would be amenable to grabbing drinks or something in a platonic way. Dennis did need more friends outside of work, and plenty of gay people stay friends with their exes. Plus it wasn’t like they had ever had sex or anything so at least there wasn’t that layer of feelings he had to deal with.

“He’s in South. Go get ‘em tiger,” When he walks off, he hears overlapping voices and knows they’re talking about him. He hears Robby excusing himself and doesn’t turn to see where he goes. When he walks through South, he sees Joey anxiously sitting on a bed. The man perks up when he sees Dennis and smiles as he walks in. It felt strange to see someone excited to see him.

“Hey, Joey,” Dennis greets him as he enters. “What happened?” He gestures to the cast on his right arm. There’s already one signature on it, Trinity, and he smiles at the lopsided smiley face that is next to her name.

“We were moving my sister into her new place and her bookcase fell. On my arm,” He adds that last part quickly. “What happened to you?” He gestures to the fading black eye and Dennis snorts. It was mostly gone but still there was a faint yellow purple tinge to his skin. It didn’t hurt as much as it had, but it still ached sometimes.

“Homophobic patient, you know how it goes,” He sits on the stool at the end of the bed. “Apparently even if you’re a doctor at the emergency department they decide to come to, homophobes don’t want your help,” He tries to joke but Joey looks concerned. While he knew it was serious, he thinks if he thinks about it too hard, it’ll hurt too much. He had sort of processed it with Dr. Stevenson but had mostly said he was okay.

“Shit what the hell? Are you okay?” Joey leans forward and Dennis feels something stir. There was nothing wrong with the man, hell he was probably the healthiest relationship Dennis had been in, despite how short it had been. But they both knew his feelings for Robby, Joey hadn’t been mad, he had just said maybe they take a break. They hadn’t spoken since, but Joey sometimes liked his instagram stories.

“Yeah, it’s shitty but the hospital is pressing charges and there’s a hearing later this month,” Mr. Miller of course had some excuse about religious freedom, but assaulting a health care worker is a felony. The case will most likely be ruled in Dennis’ favor but it still sucks.

“Are you gonna go?” Dennis shrugs, he doesn’t know yet. “Listen, I know we ended things but—“

“Dr. Whitaker,” Robby’s voice makes him jump and Joey looks up. It doesn’t take much for him to put two and two together, staring back at Dennis with a conflicted expression. And things had been going so well. But if he were given the option to choose one of the men in that room, he thinks he would always choose Robby. “You’re needed for an incoming trauma,”

“Right, I’ll text you, maybe we could get drinks sometime,” Dennis tells Joey as he stands who grins in response. Even if he couldn’t promise anything romantic, he could at least give it another shot. This was the healthy choice, right? Joey was a good man, he treated Dennis well, and he wasn’t his attending who had been playing with Dennis’ emotions since he returned. Plus he was decent in bed, which was hard to find as a gay trans man.

“I’d love that,” Dennis nods and turns to face Robby. The man is barely hiding that he’s seething and as they both exit, Dennis speaks first.

“He was my boyfriend before he was a patient, so it’s really not inappropriate,” Dennis justifies only to be met with silence.

“We’ll talk later,” Is all Robby says and it’s cold. He wants to argue, because what the hell do they have to talk about? What could Robby possibly be angry about other than him being unprofessional? It makes something in him come undone, an anger that he’s lodged away for so long. But he doesn’t say anything, he just lets that anger rush through his veins, prepared for the incoming trauma, prepared to show Robby that he is just as skilled as any other doctor here.

Why the hell does he get treated like this? Like everything he does is under a microscope and he makes even one wrong step, he’ll be put back in triage. The thought makes his blood run cold. He breathes in and out slowly, trying to stay calm, trying not to spiral. Not when there’s a trauma coming in. Not when he needs to prove himself. And he does, he always does.

As the shift winds down and Robby hands things over to Abbot, Dennis fiddles with his locker. He pulls on his warm hoodie and grabs his backpack, slinging it over his shoulders. Part of him hoped that Robby would forget, but he never really forgets. He always lingers on things, it was something that Dennis loves and hates. Right now he really hated it.

“Outside,” Robby says simply and of course Dennis follows. He will always follow, even when he’s angry. They stand in the ambulance bay, the cool late fall air creeping through Dennis’ sweatshirt. He represses a shiver and watches his breath come out as fog. Robby lights a cigarette, offering the box to Dennis. He’s been trying to quit so he just shakes his head.

“If this is about Joey, other people have talked with their family or loved ones when they’ve come in, it’s not inappropriate,” Dennis defends himself because regardless of his feelings, he knows he’s in the right. There was nothing inappropriate that he had done in comparison to what other people had done.

“Never said it was,” Robby breathes in the cigarette. “I’m just wondering why you would suggest drinks with someone you clearly don’t have feelings for,” That makes Dennis freeze. After Mr. Miller, he had been open about his feelings, even if he didn’t explicitly name them, they both knew how he felt. And if Robby knew how he felt about him and was confronting him like this, was it out of the realm of reality that maybe Robby was jealous? His heart speeds up at that, because if Robby was jealous, what did that mean for them?

“It sounds like you probably know why, so why not cut to the chase?” He wants to take that cigarette out of Robby’s mouth and give himself some courage to say more. A rush of nicotine would help this go so much easier. Instead he clenches his fists so his fingernails press into his palm as he looks at the ground.

“After everything, how can you still have feelings for me?” The silence hangs between them. Dennis doesn’t know how to answer at first, because how could he still have feelings for Robby? This man had been treating him so poorly the past three months and yet, he still wanted him. He would still crawl on broken glass for a smile thrown his way.

“Because I want you at your best and your worst,” Dennis mutters, not caring how unprofessional this is. He shouldn’t have feelings for the man after everything and yet every night as he falls asleep he imagines falling asleep beside him. But it was the truth, he knew Robby at his lowest and still loved him, he feels like he will keep loving him forever because how could he not?

“I don’t deserve it,” Robby’s response has him snapping his head up. “You’re too good for me kid, too caring, I don’t deserve it,” It got his ears ringing. There’s an implication there, an admittance of some sort that lingers between the words. Maybe he wasn’t imagining this thing between them, this thing that started on his first day, that had exploded and was now being rebuilt piece by piece. This thing that Dennis had thought was never going to reach where it had been, where it could’ve been, because of the psych hold.

“Yes you do, fuck Robby, everyone does, if you let me I’ll show you what you deserve,” He takes a step closer, closing the gap between them. The cigarette in Robby’s hand comes to Robby’s mouth where he breathes in, then lets the smoke out through his nose. It dances in the air between them for a few moments afterwards, before finally dissipating.

“What about what you deserve?”

“I…” He trails off, knowing Robby thinks he deserves better. And he does. But unfortunately, he doesn’t want anyone else. “I deserve to be with the person I love,” His response has Robby leaning down to kiss him, finally, finally. It doesn’t last long before Robby is pulling away and Dennis just wants to hold him down and have his way with him. But he complies.

“You deserve that and more,” Robby murmurs, pressing a soft kiss to his lips again. “It won’t be easy,”

“I know,”

“I get moody, I’ll push you away, but I’m trying, I’m — I’m working on it,” Robby’s eyes are welling with tears and Dennis wants to kiss them away. “I don’t deserve you, you need to know that,”

“Robby, I’ve got my own issues too. I’m not always a walk in the park,” He pulls Robby back down to him, so their lips are brushing. His heart was beating so loudly but he’s pretty sure he can hear Robby’s too. Both nervous and excited and terrified and wanting. “Can you handle that?”

“Yeah, I think I can,” Robby kisses him again and this time doesn’t let go. Dennis feels like his chest has been cracked open, all of his viscera being pulled out piece by piece. His chin burns from Robby’s beard but he wouldn’t have it any other way. He wouldn’t trade this moment for anything in the world. “I’m sorry, for everything. You were in the right,”

“I accept your apology on one condition,” Dennis pulls away, stepping back a little. Robby watches him with caution. He could make him squirm, he probably should after all of this, but more than anything he wanted what he’s wanted since the first day they met.

“Hm?”

“You buy me dinner,” It was an easy out but it was all he wanted. Well, not all he wanted, but a start at what he wanted. And he thinks he deserves a nice dinner, somewhere that he couldn’t afford. That sounds really nice. “Like we go on a real date,”

“That sounds suspiciously easy,”

“Well before the date you could also take me home and show me how sorry you are,” Dennis flirts, expecting Robby to laugh and say he’ll buy him dinner first. Instead, Robby swallows, dropping his cigarette and stamping it out. His gaze doesn’t leave Dennis’ face, studying it.

“Yeah, I can do that, let’s go,”

“W-wait now?!” Dennis’ hand is grabbed by Robby as he drags him towards his motorcycle that he still had for some reason. It felt so sudden, this change and this possibility that he might be touching Robby and that Robby would be touching him back. His head spins at how quickly this is happening. Fifteen minutes ago he was pretty sure Robby was going to tear him a new one. Now he’s kissed the man and is being propositioned to go home with him and… hopefully do more than kiss. “Don’t you have more things to close out?”

“They can wait til tomorrow,” His confidence and conviction makes Dennis’ heart flip. Was this really happening?

“This can’t wait?”

“Not a second longer, no,” Robby licks his lips, staring at Dennis as they stand in front of his motorcycle. To his credit he has his helmet, which made Dennis smile. That smile is wiped off his face when he realizes there’s only one helmet. Glaring, he meets a sheepish look from Robby. “It’ll be fine, put it on,” Dennis rolls his eyes but does so.

“Another condition, get another helmet,”

“Is that before or after the dinner?” Robby jokes as Dennis clips slides the helmet on and snaps the straps together. Rolling his eyes, Dennis waits for Robby to get on before he joins. And when Robby slides on, maybe he lets himself appreciate the view he’s getting of the man’s thighs straddling the motorcycle. Robby throws him a glance, waiting for him to join. So Dennis does, making himself at home behind the older man and bravely wrapping his arms around his waist. “You should move closer,” He suggests, and Dennis does, scooting until his crotch is firmly pressed against Robby’s back. He feels alight with desire being pressed against Robby’s body like this.

“Is this safer?”

“Oh, probably,” The thought hadn’t even crossed Robby’s mind, Dennis realizes, blushing. The motorcycle roars to life and Dennis’ heart speeds up. This is the first time he’s been on a motorcycle and given the cases they see, he has always been suspicious of them.

When they peel out of the parking lot, Dennis feels his grip tighten and he presses himself impossibly closer. He can feel Robby chuckling at that but he doesn’t care, he is nervous. The world felt like it was flying by them, one wrong move and Robby would be hurt. That made his heart pound harder as he watches them pass street lights, cars, buildings— he needs them to get to Robby’s safely.

When they pull into a quiet neighborhood, Robby’s motorcycle breaking said quiet, Dennis feels himself relax. They pull in front of a brownstone and Dennis feels his stomach drop. Part of him had forgotten that being an attending meant making a lot of money. And when you make a lot of money, you probably live somewhere nice. A lot nicer than any of the places Dennis has ever lived.

Getting off the motorcycle, his legs feel like jelly and he stumbles. Robby, ever the gentleman, steadies him and helps him take his helmet off. The look he’s giving Dennis is making his heart beat in double time, it’s so fond and relaxed. It felt familiar. It’s then that Dennis realizes he’s had this look fixed on him dozens of times the past month, he just hadn’t recognized it for what it was. The revelation makes his stomach drop.

“We could stay out here all night, not sure the neighbors would appreciate it though,” Robby finally says and Dennis realizes they’ve been standing there for at least a minute.

“Oh uh, no we should probably go inside,” Dennis stumbles over his words. Robby smiles and leads the way in. Walking up the steps behind him, Dennis feels like his heart is in his throat. This was somewhat uncharted territory for him. The last time he had sex was a clumsy hookup in his first year of med school. Now he was with someone who was definitely experienced and was looking at him like he planned to eat him alive. Swallowing as Robby opens the door, he is greeted by a dark interior which is remedied by Robby flipping the lights on.

The front hallway has some pictures on the walls, but otherwise is pretty sparsely decorated. After taking their shoes off, Dennis pads after Robby who has been silent as Dennis takes in as many details as he can. It smells clean, which he was somewhat surprised by, and it looks clean too. Though maybe clean wasn’t the right word. Maybe the right word was unused. They walk into a living area that is also sparsely decorated. A bookshelf catches Dennis’ attention. Later he plans to snoop and see what Robby likes to read. Turning his head, Robby is watching him take everything in.

“It’s different than I expected,” Dennis says, walking towards where the man stands. “Less cozy,”

“You expected cozy?” Robby’s eyebrows shoot up. Chuckling Dennis just shakes his head in disbelief. Maybe not typical cozy, but he did expect some quilts on the couch, a fireplace, a little bar cart maybe.

“I think I imagined a lot more personal memorabilia, like your diploma on the wall,” He points to a blank space on the mantle of the living room. “Or maybe some tasteful art,”

“Do I seem like the kind of guy to hang my diploma up in my living room?” He teases, but is grabbing Dennis’ hips to pull him ever closer.

“I guess not, but you should definitely have some tasteful art,” Dennis continues despite how hard his heart is beating. Robby is just looking at him so fondly, he can’t take it.

“I’ll get on that on my next day off,” Robby obliges him, voice soft as they gravitate towards each other. Now that they’ve kissed, it was like they couldn’t stand to be further than a few feet apart. And Dennis knows Robby is as eager as he is to have their lips against each other again. Especially by the way he sucks his top lip in as he stares at Dennis’ mouth. So Dennis leans forward and kisses him again. Instantly, Robby pulls him as close as possible by his hips.

The kiss doesn’t stay PG for long, because Robby runs his tongue against Dennis’ lips. As soon as he opens his mouth, Robby’s tongue is exploring every inch of it. It has Dennis letting out this embarrassing moan at the feeling, because why does it feel so nice? And Robby makes a sound into his mouth that was maybe a moan, maybe a word. It didn’t really matter because Dennis’ legs felt like jelly again.

As they continue to make out, one of Robby’s hands slips under Dennis’ shirt and pets his stomach. It’s really making Dennis lose any semblance of self control. His own tongue pushes Robby’s back into Robby’s mouth so he can taste the man better. As he licks into Robby’s mouth, that warm wetness makes him throb between his legs. He can faintly taste the cigarette he smoked but he likes it.

The hand under his shirt makes its way up, up, up to his nipples that he can vaguely feel Robby pinching. When he doesn’t get a reaction, Dennis feels a slight increase in pressure. It was sort of a strange sensation, he could almost feel it, like a ghost feeling. Robby keeps trying to get a reaction, rubbing the nipple between his fingers so Dennis figures he should probably tell him.

“I lost sensation in my nipples after top surgery,” He explains after pulling away, breathing hard.

“Top surgery?” Robby repeats with a confused look. A second later realization washes over it and he nods. Part of Dennis suddenly panics. Did Robby not know he was trans? Or did he know and just assumed that Dennis hadn’t had top surgery? The look on his face suggests the first option.

“Did you— you didn’t know?”

“No, but it doesn’t change anything,” Robby pulls him back into a kiss, relief making Dennis melt back into it. While he no longer plays with his nipples, Robby’s hand pets up and down Dennis’ chest. That does get him a moan, that Robby greedily licks up. It’s then that Dennis feels Robby’s half hard dick pressing against him through their pants. A shiver runs up his spine and he grinds against him a little. He was already wet and leaking all over his boxer briefs, so the feeling of Robby just adds fuel to the fire.

“Maybe you could show me your bedroom?” He suggests, and Robby nods, pressing himself tightly to Dennis before stepping apart. The man takes his hand and leads him upstairs to the bedroom. Similar to the rest of the house, the bedroom is gorgeous but sparsely decorated. There is a painting in the room, but Dennis doesn’t have much time to see what it is before he’s being pulled into a kiss again.

This kiss is much more hungry, Robby once again pushing his tongue into Dennis’ mouth. He licks at Dennis’ teeth, a strange but welcome feeling. It was like he was trying to touch every last centimeter of Dennis’ mouth. One of Robby’s hands finds a home on his hip, the other cupping his jaw. The kiss is broken for Robby to pull him as close as possible again, their stomachs hot against each other through their shirts.

Dennis doesn’t know how long they kiss for, his chin burns from Robby’s beard but he loves it so much. Hopefully it’ll leave a mark, a reminder of the man on his skin. He lets one of his hands slide under Robby’s shirt, groaning when he finally feels the stomach he’s been dreaming about. It’s nice and soft and hairy and Dennis wants to see it so badly. He grips at the fat there, massaging it between his fingers. It has Robby moaning into his mouth so he keeps doing it.

A hand makes its way to the hem of Dennis’ shirt and pulls twice, as if to say ‘off’. Reluctantly pulling away, Dennis tugs his shirt off and gestures for Robby to do the same. When Robby does he takes him in, breathing speeding up at the beauty in front of him. Fuck he was so hairy and had a nice softness that Dennis wants to bury his face in. Robby seems to take his silence as disinterest.

“I know I’m a little out of shape it—“

“Fuck no, Jesus I wanna bury my face in your stomach,” Dennis pulls him so their chests are pressed against each other. “So much hotter than I imagined,” He murmurs, going to kiss Robby but the other man laughs and dodges it. He whines.

“You’ve been imagining me shirtless?”

“Among other things,” Dennis is finally kissed again and he lets his hands wander Robby’s back. Scratching slightly, he gets a buck of Robby’s hips and a little gasp. Repeating the motion he gets a whine, and it sends shivers down his back. Noting the information for later use, he devours Robby, who devours him right back. They’re both so starved for the other, the world has long since melted away.

Robby walks them backwards until the back of Dennis’ knees hit the bed. Getting the message, he breaks the kiss to sit, expecting Robby to crawl on top of him. Instead, Robby kneels between his legs and starts peppering Dennis’ stomach with kisses. Each one is soft and fuzzy, the beard scraping against Dennis’ sensitive skin so delicately. Staring down, Dennis is enraptured at the sight before him.

Robby is on his knees, like he is worshipping Dennis and it’s making his head spin. Was this what he deserved, in Robby’s mind? Was this what Robby thought about when he touched himself? His lips press against Dennis’ stomach, eyes pleading. It’s as if he is begging Dennis for something, but Dennis has no clue what. If he knew, he would give it to him instantly. Robby continues to press little kisses against his stomach, like he’s mapping the surface with his lips.

One of Robby’s hands goes to unbutton his pants and he finally nods, ready. Shimmying his pants off of him, Robby begins attacking his thighs. First it’s the same kisses that graced his stomach, but then it turns into little nips that have Dennis moaning loudly. It feels so nice, the quick sting before the ache that throbs between his legs. He’s sure that Robby can see the growing wet spot in his underwear. Robby sucks on a spot and he can’t help but buck his hips up.

“Holy fuck,” His voice is shaky and Robby stares up at him with wide eyes. “Please,” Robby bites down on a new spot and then sucks on it. He moans loudly, watching as Robby continues up his thighs. When he hits the hem of Dennis’ boxer briefs he slides the fabric up and continues to bite and suck. At this point Dennis is a shaking mess, definitely leaking through his underwear and he’s trying not to squirm.

Now Robby pulls away and for a moment, Dennis thinks he’s done. But then he’s leaning forward and breathing Dennis in through his underwear. And he starts sucking at Dennis, rolling his clit between his lips and the fabric clings to him. Robby sucks and sucks until the fabric is as soaked as where Dennis’ pussy is leaking.

“God, Robby,” He’s pushing his fingers through Robby’s hair, holding on tightly. Robby groans and sucks harder, like he’s hoping the fabric between them will disappear. His tongue is flat against Dennis’ clit, licking through the underwear and moaning like he can taste him.

“Please, can I please taste you?” Robby’s breathing heavily, looking drunk. All Dennis can do is nod, still not quite believing that he’s here with Robby between his legs. Slowly, Robby pulls Dennis’ underwear down, staring up at him the whole time. Dennis glances down to see a string of his wetness connecting him to his underwear before the string snaps and Robby glances down to see it too. Licking his lips Robby strips him quickly and just as quickly he’s burying his face in between Dennis’ thighs.

A wet hotness wraps around his clit and he nearly wails at how good it feels. Robby sucks and slurps around him and he whimpers, trying to close his legs but Robby’s hands spring up to hold him open. He’s staring up at Dennis, intent on making him stare back. How could he look away? Robby moans around him and it makes him see stars. Moving down, Robby laps at his hole, both of them moaning at the sensation. Robby continues to lick his wetness, running his tongue along Dennis’ lips.

“Oh fuck, fuck, Robby so good,” He’s still gripping at Robby’s hair, trying not to tug. A few swipes of Robby’s tongue against his pussy have him trying to push his hips forward, trying to get more. Getting the message, Robby sinks his tongue inside Dennis. It makes him see stars as he feels Robby’s beard tickling his lips, he bets he’s getting it nice and wet. That makes him moan loudly, alongside the way that Robby has started to lick inside of him. “Fuck— fuck I’m close,” He shakes as Robby pushes a finger inside before going back to play with his clit.

Robby makes a humming sound and it makes Dennis’ eyes roll back. It feels incredible, making his clit throb as he gets closer and closer. The finger inside him is slowly fucking in and out, curling, looking for the spot that always makes Dennis a whimpering mess when he finds it on his
own. Of course Robby finds it, and when Dennis lets out the most pathetic, wet sound, he rubs at it.

“Ohhh god, too good, fuck,” One of his thighs is still being held apart by Robby’s free hand and he’s trying his best to not slam them closed. He humps upwards into Robby’s mouth, staring back down to him. Robby doesn’t look smug like he thought he would, instead he looks like he’s the one that’s being orally fucked. His eyes are half lidded, fluttering with every few swipes of his tongue or curl of his finger. His chin is dripping with Dennis’ wetness, beard absolutely soaked. He looks gorgeous between Dennis’ thighs, like he is meant to be there.

Robby’s mouth opens wider so he still has Dennis’ dick in his mouth and let’s his tongue slide against where his finger is fucking Dennis. It makes Dennis shake harder, he was close and Robby had just started. A second finger joins the first and he’s pushing against that spot over and over, listening to Dennis’ moans get louder and whinier.

“Gonna cum, gonna cum, fuck,” He’s so out of it he doesn’t care how pathetic he sounds. Robby moans around him, tongue coming back to swirl around his clit, rubbing him back and forth. When Dennis cums, his hips tilt upwards, pushing himself against Robby as the man continues his work. He can feel himself throb against Robby’s tongue and Robby sucks extra hard. Those fingers rub that spot gently, as if trying to coax more out of him as he clenches around them. When he’s come down enough, he’s overwhelmed by Robby’s continued sucking so he pulls him back by his hair.

The man is utterly debauched. That beard is thoroughly soaked with his own spit and Dennis’ wetness, his lips shiny and wet. His pupils are blown wide, black swallowing the soft brown that Dennis loves. And he’s panting, leaning forward like he needs to continue the way he needs to breathe. Dennis holds him back, panting himself after such a great orgasm.

“Later,” He promises and Robby looks a little disappointed. “You’re very skilled with your mouth,”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve never cum from oral before so yeah,” Now Robby looks smug and Dennis swats at his arm. Not the time to be getting big headed. Pressing a few kisses to Dennis’ thighs he stands and unbuttons his pants. Sucking on his lip, Dennis watches with anticipation as he pulls his pants down and Robby’s boner is almost free, trapped only by his boxers. But Dennis can see how big he is and it makes something in him burn bright and hot. It’s not like he was a size queen or anything but the thought of being full of Robby, hell he might not entirely fit inside him, was something that makes him dizzy. “Jesus Christ," He can’t help himself from saying it and the smug look on Robby’s face is solidified. What a jerk.

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep opening you up,” Now he pulls down his boxers and his dick is so goddamn hard and so big. Dennis swallows, imagines it inside him, and feels his own dick starting to harden again. That was going to be inside him very soon, he needed it inside him. If he doesn’t get it he thinks he’ll cry.

“Will that thing even fit inside of me?”

“Mhm,” Robby hums, crawling on top of Dennis bringing him into a kiss. There’s a strange moment where Dennis tastes himself on Robby’s lips, it’s something he’s never had. It doesn’t turn him off or make him cringe, it’s just a new taste that makes him wonder if Robby likes how he tastes. He hopes he does, he wants Robby to only taste him and no one else. Moving backwards so he can lay on his back, Robby moves with him.

Their kiss breaks when Robby pushes three fingers into Dennis, causing him to whimper and squeeze his eyes shut. He rarely used three fingers on himself and Robby’s fingers were a lot thicker than his. But it feels good, it feels like he’s being stretched in just the right way, not painful but there’s a tugging sensation. God, Robby’s fingers feel so good as they fully sink into him. He whines when Robby pulls out quickly only to be filled again.

“Dennis,” Robby murmurs against his lips, kissing him chastely. “You feel so perfect on my fingers,” He continues the kiss and it’s unbearable because he starts pushing against that perfect spot again and it’s making Dennis’ pussy drool all over his fingers.

“I’ll feel even better on your dick,” He’s trying to be flirty, to talk dirty, but he’s so out of breath. If only Robby knew how many nights he had spent fingering himself thinking about him. If only Robby knew how many times Dennis came on his fingers, pretending he was cumming on Robby’s dick.

“I bet,”

“Fuck me, please,” Dennis pushes against Robby’s fingers, desperate to feel him buried inside Dennis. Even if he couldn’t fit all the way, he’ll definitely make Dennis feel incredibly full. And he needs something deeper than those fingers, as perfect as they are, to satisfy the itch he has. An itch only Robby could attend to. “I’m opened up enough,”

“Just a little more, okay?” Robby probably thinks he’s compromising, it seems like he could finger Dennis for hours. He works his fingers in and out, rubbing against Dennis’ walls. Every now and then he spreads his fingers and it makes Dennis choke.

“Please, fuck, I’m opened up enough,” He whines now because if Robby doesn’t stick his dick inside him very soon, he might cum on those fingers instead. But Robby pays no mind to his plea, instead he’s rubbing that perfect spot, Dennis’ eyes roll back and his mouth drops open. “Robby,” He tries again, barely able to push it out of his mouth.

“Okay, alright,” Robby relents, pulling his fingers out. They both stare at each other, the unspoken question of using a condom hanging in the air. Dennis would rather die than have Robby use a condom. But if Robby was insistent on using one he’d respect that. Instead of saying anything about it, Robby slides his dick between Dennis’ lips, getting himself wet. It makes him clench a little, wanting something to fill his pussy, and he knows Robby feels it by the way he takes a sharp breath in. “You’re greedier than I thought you’d be,” Robby says and spits into his hand to further wet his dick for an easier slide in.

“You’ve thought about how greedy I’d be?” Dennis teases, despite the fact that he’s damn near shaking in excitement. Yes, he was greedy when it came to Robby. If he didn’t get what he wanted, he planned to throw a fit. But he knows and Robby knows he’ll get exactly what he wants and needs.

“Among other things,” Robby teases back, throwing Dennis’ earlier words back at him. It makes Dennis roll his eyes, he was insufferable. “You sure?” He glances down between them. Whether it is about the lack of condom or the act of penetration, Dennis didn’t know. Either way he has never been so sure about something since he decided to go to med school.

“Certain, please Robby,” Dennis widens his eyes a bit in his plea and it works. A second later Robby’s head is pushing against his entrance. It has Dennis inhaling as the slow push in opens him up better than those fingers did. “Holy fuck,” He moans, watching in amazement and pleasure as Robby slides himself all the way in.

“Fucking— Dennis,” Robby whines as he’s fully seated inside him and they both just stare at each other. The look Robby’s giving him is going to be seared into his brain forever. The devotion in his eyes, the wonder and awe at being inside Dennis, his mouth open to let out these little huffs of air. It’s the devotion that makes Dennis throb around him, unable to contain his excitement at being looked at like that. Like he is the only water in the desert, like he is the only person in the world, Dennis would kill to keep that look on him and only him for the rest of his life.

“I— fuck you’re—jesus,” Dennis whines, pushing against where Robby is buried deep inside him, like he could somehow get more of him inside. Robby leans down so they’re face to face.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Robby presses kisses to Dennis’ cheeks. “Forgive me,” It takes him a moment to realize he wasn’t talking about the penetration. It felt overwhelming, his chest bursting at the devotion behind the words, the desperation that dripped from them. Robby didn’t just want his forgiveness, he needed it like air. And Dennis could never deprive him of anything.

“I forgive you,” Dennis whispers, pulling him back into a kiss as Robby groans and rocks into him. Their lips part just enough for Dennis to say: “Do you forgive me?”

“Nothing to be forgiven,” It hits Dennis square in his already bursting chest. Tears well in his eyes at the admission. He hadn’t done anything wrong, Robby accepted that. And now he needed to accept it too. The tears drip down his cheeks and Robby kisses them. “You did nothing wrong, baby,” Dennis wraps his arms around Robby’s neck and kisses him deeply again. The kiss makes Dennis’ head fuzzy, like Robby was trying to pour his apologies into every inch of their bodies that touched. Dennis forgives him at every junction.

Robby thrusts into him slowly but with force, shaking the bed. Dennis’ body moves with every thrust and he thrusts back. Dennis’ pussy throbs around his cock, sucking him in, reminding him he’s where he belongs, deep inside Dennis. Each movement is making Dennis moan, his own wetness dripping against his ass.

“So good for me, you’re perfect,” Robby murmurs, nose pressed to Dennis’ cheek. “Waited for me so long, I’m so sorry I kept you waiting,” Robby moans as he buries himself over and over. These punched out little moans are escaping Dennis in time with Robby’s thrusts. It feels heavenly, each thrust filling him to the brim, before each pull out drags so perfectly against his walls.

“Robby, please,” Dennis looks up at the man with pleading eyes. He has no clue what he’s begging for but Robby brings him back into a kiss, tongues wet and hot against each other. All Dennis can think about is Robby, Robby, Robby. All he can ever think about is Robby, but now it is a hundred fold more extreme as he breathes him in, tastes him, feels him, hears him, sees him. Every sense of his was full of Robby and it is all he’s ever wanted.

“I know baby, I know,” Robby presses their foreheads together. All Dennis can do is stare up at him, hoping to god that this isn’t a dream. Fingers find their way to Dennis’ clit and he whines, unable to contain himself. “That’s it, just let it out,” He had already been so close when Robby fingered him, it won’t take much to get him to orgasm this time. Massaging his clit, Robby keeps staring into his eyes and he’s never felt this close to anyone in his life. It’s like Robby is trying to melt into him and Dennis thinks he just might. They might as well be one person soon.

Dennis’ second orgasm crescendos rapidly, building as Robby touches him before finally reaching its peak. When he cums, Robby stares at him, taking him in, and he throbs around the man. Oh god it feels incredible to pulse around Robby’s dick as he continues his slide in and out. Those fingers don’t leave his clit, instead they keep stroking him, making him shake from overwhelm.

The pace picks up, Robby’s hips smoothly moving to fuck into Dennis. There’s a wet spot no doubt growing on the sheets beneath him, which maybe he should be more embarrassed about. But he can’t find it in him to care, not when he feels as good as he does. Not when Robby’s finally fucking into him with the passion that he has always dreamt about. Robby seems to read his mind.

“So fucking wet for me, you feel so good,” He murmurs before kissing Dennis. It’s nothing but tongue and spit, absolutely filthy, and it has Dennis getting closer to orgasm yet again. How many times was he going to cum before Robby came? Because Robby is still stroking him, still rubbing him back and forth, his clit is still hard.

“I— I think I’m gonna cum again,” Dennnis hardly recognizes his own voice and Robby looks surprised by the desperation in it too. He couldn’t help it, he was so close so soon after his last orgasm it was making his head spin. When he masturbates he usually cums once and that’s it. Robby seems hellbent on making sure Dennis cums as many times as he wants him to.

“That’s right, cum on me again, baby,” His response makes Dennis moan and try to push back against Robby. But Robby’s pace has sped up again, slamming into Dennis and making loud squelching sounds as his pussy is pounded. And he was teetering, barely able to hold his orgasm back. Just a little bit longer, he thinks to himself, but Robby has other plans. “Cum for me and I’ll make sure to cum deep in your pussy, okay baby?”

“Fuck!” Dennis throws his head back, the words sending him over the edge as he pulses around Robby.

“Good boy,” The praise makes him whimper through his pleasure, hot and fuzzy. His body feels weightless as Robby chases his own orgasm.

“Please, inside,” He begs, needing it more than he needs his own pleasure. He wants to feel it inside of him, watch Robby’s face as he cums. And Robby complies, he’s burying himself in Dennis and letting out a low groan. There’s a warmth that spreads inside Dennis and he gasps at the feeling. “Fuck, yes, just like that,” He takes in Robby’s lax face, mouth open and panting, eyes trained on Dennis. He looked blissed out. And it’s because of him.

They stay entangled for some time, until Robby is soft and slips out. It makes Dennis wince at how empty and cold his pussy feels. He can’t tell if the wetness around his lips is just his own wetness or a mix of it and Robby’s cum. Robby gingerly lays beside him, Dennis turns on his side to face him.

“I figured if I could stay away, I wouldn’t feel how I do for you. But fuck, I can’t stay away from you, I just fucking can’t, and I know it’s selfish,” Robby admits like he’s sharing a deep dark secret. And Dennis supposes to him it is, his feelings all locked away and buried. “I haven’t been able to stay away from you since we met, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stay away from you,”

“Then don’t, just stay by my side,” Dennis responds, looking into those brown eyes. Robby’s crows feet wrinkle as he smiles, something giddy and uncontained. It takes his breath away for a second. This excitement at being with Dennis, this giddiness, he’s never had it directed at him before. And for his feelings to be reciprocated feels like he’s weightless and nothing bad can touch him. Dennis pulls the man into an embrace, pressing his face into Robby’s neck.

“Do you still think I’m cruel and bitter?”

“Wha?” Dennis pulls away, confused. It takes him a few moments to remember that those were his own words to Robby. Embarrassment flushes his face, an urge to apologize rises but he pushes it down. It had been the truth, Robby was being cruel and bitter. “I think you acted cruel and bitter, you’re not innately cruel and bitter,” He corrects, pressing his lips to Robby’s cheek. “You’ve been getting better though,” Robby warms at that, a soft smile that makes Dennis warm too.

“Will you spend the night?” Robby asks, quiet like he’s trying not to scare Dennis. It makes him warmer, endeared to the man’s embarrassment at his own request.

“Oh I fully planned to, your bed is ten times more comfy than mine,” He exaggerates cuddling into the bed. “Plus, I’ve got the best company,” Now he feels a cheesy smile overcome his face. He couldn’t imagine being anywhere else tonight, and quite frankly he wanted to be in this bed every night. Not just because of how cozy it is but because Robby’s in it.

“The best? That seems like a little much,” Robby looks away, swallowing nervously. Studying him, Dennis watches the lines around his eyes, the way he suddenly seems so much smaller than he had just a minute ago. It doesn’t matter if he needs to reassure him every day, Dennis will tell him as many times as he needs. His love no longer feels like a burden but a saving grace.

“Hm, it’s not,” Dennis leans over until Robby turns his face to look at him. “I don’t want to be anywhere else in the world right now, I just want to be next to you,” Now he wraps his arms around Robby, pulling him into his chest. Pressing his nose to Robby’s head, he kisses him and then just leaves his mouth there. “Is that alright with you?” He feels Robby’s arms wrap around him.

“That’s more than alright with me,”

They fall asleep like that, wrapped in each other’s arms, the outside world unable to touch them.