Chapter Text
All-star game, 2011
Shane felt a little wild saying goodbye after getting Rozanov’s phone number. Lily was now in his phone, they had made plans to fuck, and he had gotten off after a fun all-star weekend. It made him a little giddy.
It also made him careless.
Just as he the hotel room door closed behind him, he realised in the short moment between Ilya checking the hallway and his own exit, Scott Hunter had left his own room.
They stared at each other in shock.
“I was-“ But there was no excuse, Shane knew. It was so obvious.
“Shit,” Hunter said, eyes wide. He shot a glance up and down the hallway and held up his hands in the universal sign of “calm down.”
“I can pretend I didn’t see anything,” he said quickly.
“There’s nothing-“ But Shane was losing the ability to speak. His throat was closing up, his vision darkening, his heart feeling like it was being squeezed by barb wire.
“Fuck, Hollander, breathe.” He could hear Hunter, but he could only see the ugly carpet shapes swirling. He felt hands grab him around the waist and pull. A moment later the harsh light of the corridor disappeared. Hunter placed him on the end of the bed and Shane immediately leaned forward and stuck his head between his knees.
“Hey, breathe, Shane, please breathe, come on, slow and steady.” Hunter was kneeling in front of him, one hand on Shane’s knee, the other holding his arm. “It’s going to be ok.”
“No,” Shane choked, sucking in a breath too quick and setting himself off again.
“It is, I swear. I know, all right? From experience. I’m gay.”
Shane’s brain stilled a little at that. He breathed in through his nose, lifting his head a little. “I’m not- I-“ Fuck, he couldn’t get it under control.
“Hey, you don’t have to explain yourself, ok?” Hunter’s voice was gentle. He tried to catch Shane’s eye, who just closed them. “You know my secret now too, right? So, whatever I inferred from you leaving Rozanov’s room is not my business.”
Shane focused on breathing. His heart was slowing, Hunter’s words echoed what Rozanov had said during their first hook-up. We had the same secret. He managed a jerky nod.
After a long silence of just breathing, Shane finally sat up and Hunter let go of him. He stayed on his knees, looking up at Shane with concern, like he would panic again at any moment.
“Sorry,” Shane managed.
“No, don’t be sorry. I get it, I do, I swear.” Shane nodded again. “But, Shane, I have to ask something, and please know I’m only asking because I’m worried about you.”
“What?” Shane could not imagine what- Oh, god, was he going to ask about protection or something?
“Is Rozanov… did he treat you right?” Shane choked on his own spit, deciding to look up to the ceiling in utter embarrassment. How was this his life? His hockey idol was kneeling at his feet, saying he was gay, asking about Shane’s own gay exploits. “He already has a bit of a reputation…”
“He’s good,” Shane wheezed, looking away, anywhere except Hunter. “He-“ He tried to nod, closing his eyes and swallowing, taking a deep breath. “He’s nice to me.”
“Really?” Shane felt offended on Rozanov’s behalf. Hunter didn’t even know him!
“It’s different than when we’re on the ice. It’s…” His face flushed as he thought back to how careful Rozanov had been both times, even though Shane had been so inexperienced. “It’s good.”
“Ok,” Hunter sighed in relief. “Good.” He patted Shane on the knee and stood. Sitting down next to Shane on the bed. At least that meant Shane didn’t have to avoid his eyes. “I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but you need to be careful.” Shane nodded. He glanced at Hunter’s profile. The man looked sad.
“Have you…” Shane couldn’t figure out how to ask.
“Have I snuck around like you and Rozanov?” Hunter guessed with a chuckle. It wasn’t quite what Shane wanted to know. “Not with another player, no, but obviously all my relationships, if you can call them that, have been secret.”
“Right.”
“I wish it could be different.” Shane didn’t know why Hunter was repeating himself. He couldn’t imagine such a world.
“Do you have anyone who knows? Not about Rozanov, I assume that’s… a different kind of secret, but someone you can talk to about this stuff?”
“Stuff?”
“Being gay or bi or however you want to define it. Does anyone know?”
“No.”
“Not even your parents?”
“No.”
“Well, as someone who doesn’t have anyone to tell, I highly recommend telling someone you can trust.”
“There’s nothing to tell.”
“Ok.” They lapsed into silence. “Are your parents conservative?”
“They-“ Shane huffed in frustration. “I’m not-“ but he couldn’t say it. It was ridiculous, wasn’t it? Hunter knew exactly what he had been doing in the next room. Hunter was gay, and he seemed to Shane like the straightest guy he could imagine. Although, considering Hunter was the first person Shane had ever met who described themselves as gay, maybe Shane wasn’t one to judge.
“It’s a journey, I know. I’ve been there. But wherever you land, Shane, whatever you decide you are or want to call yourself, it’s better if there’s someone to tell. Someone other than whoever you’re sneaking around with.”
“I don’t know.” His voice sounded so small and young.
“Can I give you my number?”
“What?”
“Just, for if you want to talk. About anything.” Hunter shrugged. “I’ve never really had a gay friend either.”
“I’m not-“
“Sorry, shit, I just meant-“ Shane rose abruptly, going to the door. “Please, Shane. I’m sorry.” Shane stopped with a hand on the door, knowing he would want Hunter to check the hallway. He sighed.
“I’m not stupid. Obviously, I like guys,” he spoke to the door. “Or at least, one guy. I’m just not…” ready, he thought, “sure about the rest.”
“I get that.”
Shane turned around and took his phone out. He felt a laugh threaten to bubble out of him as he watched the second guy of the night put his phone number in. “There,” Hunter said as he returned it. Hunter’s phone pinged, and he took it out and entered Shane’s name. For a second Shane wanted to suggest a code name, but then he realised that was stupid and unnecessary.
Hunter gave him a small smile.
“I know this probably doesn’t mean that much in the grand scheme of things, but I’m here for you, if you need to talk.”
“Thanks.” He remembered what Hunter had said. “You too.” At Hunter’s surprised look, Shane added. “I mean, you said you didn’t have-“ Fuck, he was almost panicking again at the thought of putting himself in the role of possibly-gay-friend. “Just, if you want.” He shrugged. Hunter’s smile widened and he nodded.
“Thanks.”
“Could you check the hallway?”
“Oh, yeah, sure.”
After a quick check, Shane finally left, practically sprinting for the elevator. Finally, alone and in his own room, Shane collapsed and felt everything all at once, and could do nothing but laugh.
Shane spent the next few days panicking. He knew he had to tell Rozanov that Hunter knew about what they had done. But he was terrified Rozanov would call him an idiot for getting caught and never speak to him again. Technically, it had been Rozanov’s fault as well for not checking the hallway properly.
Rozanov needed to know. Boston was playing New York in a couple of weeks, and if Hunter said anything to him…
If Shane waited any longer, Rozanov would probably think Shane had been sitting with the information in order to knock him off his game at the last minute.
So, he needed to tell him.
The only thing in their text thread was Rozanov’s first “hi” and smiley face. This was supposed to be where they “made plans to fuck”. Shane opened a note app so he could practice the text, just so he wouldn’t accidentally send anything.
But he couldn’t figure out how to say it. He didn’t want to panic Rozanov, and he couldn’t organize the information right.
After two days of drafts, he finally just sent: Can I call you? It’s important. Sorry.
Lily replied about an hour later: What is it?
Jane: Please, I can’t explain it over text. You need to know.
Shane jumped when his phone lit up with “Lily calling.”
“Hey.”
“What is it?” Rozanov sounded very annoyed. Shane braced himself.
“Scott Hunter saw me leave your hotel room and knows about us,” Shane tried not to let his voice run away because he knew Rozanov wouldn’t understand him if he spoke too quickly. “But it’s ok, because he has the same secret. He told me.”
“Hollander,” Rozanov sounded fucking furious.
“It wasn’t my fault! He came out just as I was leaving! Then I had a fucking panic attack about it and he dragged me into his room and then he told me he was gay. So, it’s like with you and the coach’s son. We all have the same secret. Also, I’m pretty sure Hunter is a good guy and wouldn’t tell anyway.”
Shane breathed. Rozanov was silent.
“You were in his hotel room?”
“That’s what you’re focusing on?” Shane almost laughed. “It was either that or have a panic attack in the hallway. It doesn’t even matter. He was nice. He gave me his number.”
“You go to next room after that, Hollander? Fuck the whole floor?”
“Fuck you! It wasn’t like that. He was nice and he told me his secret so I would stop panicking, which I probably shouldn’t have told you. You can’t tell him I told you!”
“Whatever.”
“Rozanov,” Shane heard the pleading in his voice and hated that Rozanov had made him sound like that. He feared this might be the last time they spoke. Maybe Rozanov had changed his mind about their plans. “It wasn’t my fault. All he did was ask me if you treated me good, and told me I could talk to him, as a friend.”
“What did you say? About how I treat you.”
“I told him,” Shane blushed, “that it was good.”
“Just good?”
“I wasn’t about to give him details!”
“Maybe you should have. It would probably be hottest thing Scott Hunter ever heard.”
“Fuck off,” Shane sighed. His heartrate was slowly. Rozanov didn’t sound so angry anymore.
“What else did you say about me?”
“Nothing. It wasn’t a long conversation.” Shane did not want to tell Rozanov about his sexual identity crisis.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” Shane asked with relief.
“Same secret, right?”
“Yeah, exactly.”
“See you next game then.”
“Yeah-“ Rozanov hung up before Shane could finish. At least their plans hadn’t been ruined. Shane would still get to… do that, with Rozanov. With the adrenaline from the phone call, Shane decided to go to his bedroom and practice a little.
Mexico City, 2013
Hayden slapped back a shot, silently thinking this was his last. He was loving his first real party vacation, but he also did not want to get black-out drunk. The other guys were lining up another row, but Hayden begged off, waving his hands at them. “I’m going to find Hollzy!” he shouted over the thumping music. Mexican clubs went hard.
He knew Shane had probably escaped outside for some air. The guy could never stomach more than twenty minutes in a place like this. But Hayden was sure Shane hadn’t left them. He was responsible like that, their captain.
Outside, Hayden sucked in a deep breath, the heat of the summer night was at least cooler than the throng of bodies inside. He glanced up and down the narrow street, scanning the people milling about, smoking, making out, and… other stuff.
Right at the corner of his eye, his brain more than his eye registered Shane Hollander disappearing round the corner with another man, looking behind him like he was afraid someone would follow.
What the fuck? Had Shane been drugged, blackmailed, threatened? Why was Shane slinking off suspiciously with some random guy?
Hayden was moving before he knew it, pushing through the crowd. His brain replayed the image, trying to make it clearer. The guy had been… tall, dark-haired… pretty?
Yes, Hayden’s brain confirmed, the guy had actually been extremely handsome.
He rounded the corner where they’d disappeared. The even narrower side street looked sketchy, or maybe Hayden was being prejudiced. But man, he was pretty sure Mexico City was not as safe as Montreal. What the hell was Shane thinking?
Hayden had to follow. He picked up the pace. At the next intersection he guessed right, and practically sprinted down it. He was halfway down the next side street when he passed a tiny alley. His body stopped short before he really understood why, turning and looking into the darkness.
Underneath a low awning that stretched almost the entire width of the alley, was Shane Hollander being pressed against the wall. At first, Hayden thought he was being threatened, but then he realised it was a very different situation.
Shane and the pretty guy were making out. Enthusiastically. Like, we’re about to fuck, levels of enthusiasm.
“We have to be quick,” Shane gasped.
“Sure, inside, quick.” The man was trying to open a door Shane was clearly leaning against. As Shane pushed off to let the man access the lock, his body twisting just enough for his eyes to catch Hayden’s.
“Shit!”
The pair sprang apart like a bomb had gone off between them.
“I’m sorry!” Hayden put up his hands. “I thought- Shit, I don’t know what I thought. I’m sorry, dude, I was worried. I shouldn’t have followed. Just- pretend I wasn’t here.”
He spun and began walking back, heart hammering.
“Shit, fuck.” He heard Shane swearing and stopped dead in his tracks. His friend’s voice was agony. Hayden’s heart lurched. “This is bad. Bad. Fuck. Fuck!”
“He seemed… ok about it?” The other man’s voice had an accent.
Hayden returned. Shane was crouched, leaning against the wall, bent forward, hands on his head. The man was crouched to, reaching out, but not touching, clearly unsure of what to do.
Shane was having a panic attack. Hayden knew what to do about those.
“Hey.” The man looked up. God, he really was handsome. Dark curly hair cut close at the sides so it cascaded playfully over his expressive eyes, a jawline that could cut glass. Hayden was straight, but he wasn’t stupid.
He crouched down next to the pair and placed a hand on Shane’s shoulder. “Hey, Shane, it’s ok, you need to breathe. I’m sorry. It’s ok, it’s ok.”
“Hay-“ Shane gulped his name.
“I’m sorry I ran away, man, I thought I was doing you a favour. Just breathe, it’ll pass, we’re riding it out, right?”
Shane lifted his head enough to glance at him.
“I don’t care that you’re gay, bi, or whatever. It’s fine, Shane. You’re still my friend.” Shane seemed to be breathing a little easier. “Can you like, nod, so I know you’re hearing me?” Shane nodded once. “Good, then you just keep breathing and we’ll get through.”
Shane breathed a little slower, and Hayden felt his own heartrate return to normal.
“I would leave you guys to talk, but… my apartment is…” the hook-up pointed to the door Shane was currently leaning against. “Unless you both want to come inside to talk?”
“No.” Shane pushed himself up, taking a few steadying breaths.
“I should go,” Hayden said. “Let you two…” he gestured vaguely.
“No,” Shane said a little more forcefully. He glanced at the man. “Sorry, it’s just-“
“Hey, it’s ok, the moment is gone,” the man held up his hands in a sign of defeat.
“Sorry,” Hayden said.
“Can we go back to the hotel?”
“Yeah, man. I- if I remember which way we came.”
“Just make two lefts and you’ll find the nightclub,” the man said.
“Thanks.”
Shane pushed off the door. As they left the alley, the man called out. “Hey, you remember my name, and our promise. We’ll meet again when we’re both famous.”
“Yeah, I will.”
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
Hayden just nodded and they headed back. They didn’t speak until they reached the hotel, after Hayden texted the others that they were heading back. They always shared a hotel room on the road. It had seemed a natural thing to do on vacation too. Now Hayden wondered if it had prevented Shane from getting to hook-up.
“Listen,” Hayden began once they were back, because he knew Shane was not going to start a difficult conversation. The man dumped himself on the bed like he was awaiting a death sentence. “I do not care that you like guys, like at all. And I am sorry I messed up your night. If I had known that was your plan, I would obviously have… I don’t know, told you to use the hotel room like a normal person, not let yourself be led away to God knows where in Mexico City!” Hayden’s voice had risen during his speech. He hadn’t meant to get angry, but he had been so scared for his friend. “Fuck, Shane. There has to be better way of getting laid.”
“If you know of any, let me know.”
“Fuck.” Hayden sat down next to him. “Sorry, that was stupid of me.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“No, man, fuck that. You don’t owe me an explanation. Just…” he sighed. He really wished he had read more on allyship when his cousin came out. “Please don’t disappear into a dark alley without informing me you’re hooking up with some future supermodel.”
“Supermodel?”
“Yeah, dude said he was going to be famous.”
Shane laughed, and Hayden knew things would be ok. “He’s going to be a famous football player.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. He was keeping it secret too. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have dared.”
“Shit, man, now I’m really sorry I messed up your night.”
“It’s ok. I’m… kind of glad you know. It was hard keeping it from you.”
“Good. That you feel that way, I mean.”
“You can’t tell anyone.”
“Dude, of course not.”
Shane nodded.
“Do your parents know?”
“No.”
“You don’t think they’d be cool?”
“They… of course they would. I just,” Shane shrugged. He picked at a stray thread on his shorts.
“You should tell them. Not about this obviously, but that you’re- uh, you know- whatever,” Hayden waved a hand to encompass every possible identity.
“I’m not sure I know what “whatever” I am.”
“Well, do you feel like going after girls the way you went after the football player?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like, if you see a hot chick, does it make you… eager? Do you fantasise about women?”
Shane didn’t say anything. Hayden tried to read his profile. His eyes were giving a thousand-yard stare. Helping his friend through his gay panic was not on his plans for his vacation, but he would give it his best try.
“Ok, like, I think of someone really hot like… Scarlett Johansson. She’s a smoke show, right? Do you think of any woman like that?”
“I mean, I think she’s beautiful.”
“That’s not the same thing, Shane,” Hayden had to laugh. “I mean, do you wish there was a movie with her naked in it? Can you fantasise about touching her tits or-” When Shane made a face, Hayden laughed again. “Dude. I think that’s your answer.”
Shane went quiet again. It hit Hayden that with this realisation, Shane would only ever have “back-alley” hook-ups to look forward to. He wasn’t delusional to think his friend would ever jeopardize his career by being the first openly gay player.
“Hey,” he bumped his shoulder against Shane’s, “I’m here for you.”
“Thanks,” Shane whispered.
Hayden put his arm around his shoulder and squeezed hard. Shane smiled a little. “Tired?” Shane nodded. “Me too. My adrenaline’s crashing, so I think we should go to sleep. And hey, when we get to the coast, maybe you can find an equally handsome volleyball player?” Shane chuckled at that, and Hayden knew they would get past this.
Hayden filed away the guy’s name, and wondered about his and Shane’s future.