Chapter Text
FYI: this is the only chapter that is 100% text-based. If you click on the video images, it will take you to the tik-tok videos.
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Colin to Pen ☀️
20 DEC 2024
[19:51]
Colin:
Colin: Saw your story
Colin: I know it’s a work happy hour but ???? did my invite get lost in the mail??
Colin: Is ELOISE there????
Pen ☀️: lol just come by. Harp & crown by Ben’s weird ex’s house.
Colin: omw to the tube x
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Colin to Pen ☀️
23 DEC 2024
[08:51]
Pen ☀️:
Pen ☀️: spotted on my walk to the tube
Colin: I would die for them fr
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Colin to Pen ☀️
24 DEC 2024
[15:23]
Colin: When will you be here? I have hidden the maltesers for you, but Greggy is on a mission. Cannot promise how much longer they will remain hidden
Pen ☀️: on my way. Should be there by 430
Pen ☀️: ps i made you more biscuits
Pen ☀️: don’t say I never did anything for you
Pen ☀️: tell your mum I grabbed the extra champagne, please!!!
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Colin to Pen ☀️
24 DEC 2024
[23:52]
Colin: I can’t sleep
Pen ☀️: why
Colin: i have like a million questions going through my mind
Colin: like will you like my gift
Colin: what did you get me
Colin: if I were a worm, would you still like me?
Colin: Or a snake?
Colin: Basically, what is the threshold for you not liking me anymore? If I was a a spider? Would that be the bar?
Pen ☀️: Depends on the kind, i think
Colin: I would be a nice one. Like charlotte.
Pen ☀️ : Iol of course. Naturally.
Colin: how come noses run but feet smell?
Colin: why is it called chili if it’s hot?
Colin: do you remember what age you stopped believing in Santa?
Colin: I was six, I think. Ant showed me where the presents were hidden. I cried. He laughed. I don’t know that I have forgiven him for this honestly
Pen ☀️: what a fucker
Colin: what does space smell like?
Colin: is the s or c silent in scent
Colin: why can i never remember the proper utilisation of lie vs lay
Pen ☀️: COLIN
Colin: Yes, Pen?
Pen ☀️: It’s midnight. Happy Christmas!
Pen ☀️: meet me by the tree to exchange our presents?
Colin: YES! Be there in 5.
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Pen ☀️to Colin
25 DEC 2024
[10:29]
Pen ☀️: Happy Christmas, I’ve already committed three (3) mental crimes and I haven’t left the house yet
Pen ☀️: Portia has more than outdone herself this year… she has lovingly gifted me a book called “Why Am I Dancing Alone? Here’s how to find and keep someone to love”
Pen ☀️: First of all, I’m very happy dancing alone, thank you very much. Remember Ben’s birthday? Abba? I was showered with compliments
Pen ☀️: I might wrap it back up and re-gift it to her next year. Maybe add a note: “you first.”
Pen ☀️: Ugh. Why does this suck so much
Colin: What the fuck, Pen??? Are you serious??
Colin: Wanna do a celebratory book burning? I’m down. We have a substantial fire pit at Aubrey
Colin: Wait - let me run to my room, call you in a sec
[10:33]
Colin: [Initiated a FaceTime call, 26 minutes and 34 seconds]
[11:46]
Colin: and for the record, you’re already loved
Colin: There is no version of you that even remotely needs a book like that
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Pen ☀️to Colin
26 DEC 2024
[12:23]
Pen ☀️: I’m bored
Pen ☀️: wanna hang?
Colin: omw
Pen ☀️: bring snacks, please!
Colin: duh
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Colin to Pen ☀️
27 DEC 2024
[20:45]
Colin: [Initiated a FaceTime call, 49 minutes and 37 seconds]
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Pen ☀️to Colin
28 DEC 2024
[21:45]
Pen ☀️:
Pen ☀️: is this you?
Colin: [Initiated a FaceTime call, 58 minutes and 23 seconds]
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Colin to Pen ☀️
29 DEC 2024
[20:15]
Colin: spotted in my camera roll
Colin:
Pen ☀️: omfg babies
Pen ☀️: is that from uni? God, why do you still have that
Pen ☀️: I look good though. I’m saving it for posterity
Colin: you always look good, Pen
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Colin to Pen ☀️
31 DEC 2024
[18:17]
Colin: Let me know when you get here. I want to talk to you about something
Pen ☀️: That sounds… ominous
Pen ☀️: make sure you get me a drink first, yeah?
Colin: I’ll have one waiting ;)
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Colin to Pen ☀️
31 DEC 2024
[22:33]
Colin: where are you
Colin: Pen?
[22:46]
Colin: El said you caught a ride back to yours. Text me when you’re up tomorrow
1 Jan 2025
[00:01]
Colin: Happy New Year, Pen!!!!!!
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Colin to Pen ☀️
1 Jan 2025
[08:07]
Colin:
Colin: this made me laugh
Colin: Good Morning x
Colin: Wanna grab brunch today?
Colin: or are you still recovering?
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Colin to Pen ☀️
2 Jan 2025
[09:43]
Colin: Moooooorning
Colin:
Colin: made me think of you. Also, worked up the courage to go back to the café where I read my horrible (deep and meaningful) poetry at that open mic night ages ago. I don’t *think* anyone noticed who I was, but can never be sure. No paps, please
Colin: (To be fair, I was at least 4 pints in)
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Colin to Pen ☀️
3 Jan 2025
[12:24]
Colin: At this point I can only assume you’ve been either kidnapped or murdered. Thumbs up if you’re ok?
Colin: Btw, at Ben’s and he won’t stop talking about some girl he barely talked to once. He’s bordering on woeful Victorian poet, absolutely insufferable. Send help.
[19:39]
Colin: Hey, if I did something… let me know. Hope you’re ok. Don’t want to flood your messages, but. Can’t help it.
Colin: Miss you x
[23:19]
Colin: no worries if you’re busy. Or overwhelmed. Or all of the above. Totally get it
Colin: Just take care of yourself, Pen x
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Colin to Eloise ☠️
4 Jan 2025
[07:01]
Colin: have you heard from Pen? She hasn’t been answering my texts.
Colin: I haven’t seen her since NYE.
Colin: Did something happen with Portia? Pen said she was a real shit at christmas
Colin: Although I guess there is nothing new about that really
Eloise ☠️ to Colin
4 Jan 2025
[11:37]
Eloise ☠️: I have heard from her
Eloise ☠️: she is fine
Colin: can you tell her I’ve been trying to get ahold of her
Eloise ☠️: she knows
Colin: Ok
Colin: wait. No. Not ok. She can’t text me back? Wtf. It doesn’t sound like she is okay
Colin: I am going to head over there
Eloise ☠️: Do not. I repeat: do not do that. She is alive and she is okay
Eloise ☠️: She just needs some space
Colin: from me? Or like in general
Eloise ☠️: Yes.
Eloise ☠️: And she doesn’t know how to say it for herself, so I am saying it for her
Colin: This doesn’t make any fucking sense, eloise just tell me what the fuck is going on
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Colin to Pen ☀️
4 Jan 2025
[18:25]
Colin: is this because of what happened at the party? Because we kissed?
Colin: fuck, pen. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable
Colin: if thats it, we can just forget about it ok? We can just move the fuck on
Colin: I will move on if that is what you want, just fucking talk to me
Colin: please, pen
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Colin to Pen ☀️
8 Jan 2025
[23:45]
Colin: i leave tomorrow for my next assignment. Are we really not going to talk before I go?
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Colin to Pen ☀️
12 Jan 2025
[09:13]
Colin: Miami is beautiful. Sunny and hot. It is honestly disgusting. People say it is a "dry heat". Wtf does that even mean? I don't think your hair wouldn't survive regardless, but fuck, you always look so cute when your curls become a mess. It always reminds me of those summers at Aubrey.
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Colin to Pen ☀️
15 Jan 2025
[21:48]
Colin:
Colin: you used to love this song. must have played it 50x on our way up to aubrey hall that one summer
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Colin to Pen ☀️
19 Jan 2025
[17:46]
Colin:
Colin: nearly pissed myself at dinner trying not to laugh at this
Colin: you would have been so mad at me for laughing
Colin: wish you were here x
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Colin to Pen ☀️
14 Feb 2025
[02:59]
Colin: Everything makes me think of you.
Colin: Miss you all the time
Colin: xxx
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Colin to Pen ☀️
2 MAR 2025
[18:56]
Colin: it’s my birthday today. I thought you’d reach out today.
Colin: happy birthday to myself, I guess
Colin: We haven’t missed each other’s birthdays in twelve fucking years, Pen.
Colin: what the fuck
[22:42]
Colin: clearly you have me blocked
Colin: so fuck it
Colin: I miss you. I miss you so much it fucking hurts. I always miss you.
Colin: Looking back, I realise that should have been my first clue. Even when we were kids, there was hardly a day when you wouldnt cross my mind. Pen would like this. Pen would think this is funny. This reminds me of Pen. It was like you were there with me. And you were, I guess. I always felt like you saw me. Like you knew me. Understood me. I even hoped you loved me - even it was as a friend.
Colin: Is knowing the true me why you pulled away?
Colin: If it is, I guess I can understand that.
Colin: You do deserve the best, Pen.
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Colin to Pen ☀️
8 APR 2025
[00:01]
Colin: Happy Birthday, Pen
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Colin to Pen ☀️
26 APR 2025
[15:09]
Colin: I’m sitting in this tiny café in Florence where the espresso is too strong and the chairs are uneven and they’re playing some Italian version of that song you liked last summer. The one you swore was about us even though the lyrics didn’t make any sense.
Colin: God you’d love it here. The waiter called me “signor” like I’m someone important and I just nodded like a fraud. You would’ve laughed. Like really, really laughed.
Colin: I keep trying to experience this place, but it all feels like a story I want to tell you, and you’re not here. So what’s the point?
Colin: I find myself asking that a lot lately. What’s the point without you?
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Colin to Pen ☀️
5 MAY 2025
[00:01]
Voice Memo [Duration 00:27 secs]
Transcript: Hey. I don’t know what to say in a text anymore. So here’s my voice, I guess. because maybe then it’ll remind you I’m real. I’m still here. Still me. Still… yours, if you want. God, ok. I just miss you. Always miss you. [muffled] you pathetic twat.
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Colin to Pen ☀️
16 MAY 2025
[10:41]
Colin: Passed two tourists arguing about directions. You used to get like that when we travelled. So stubborn. So certain you knew the “more scenic route,” even if it was just a longer way to get lost.
Colin: I used to follow you, every time. No questions.
Colin: And you’d look back and smirk like you’d won, like I wasn’t just happy to be behind you.
Colin: I’d still follow you. Even though we haven’t talked in ages and I don’t know if we ever will again. I’d follow you anywhere.
Colin: Even if you didn’t want me to.
[13:59]
Colin: Not in a creepy way. Just to be clear.
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Colin to Pen ☀️
31 May 2025
[15:23]
Colin: It feels weird to be in the same city as you again but not be able to talk to you or see you
Colin:
Colin:
Colin: Spotted this little guy. Told him to tell you I said hi.
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Colin to Pen ☀️
4 JUN 2025
[13:04]
Colin: On my way to Aubrey and saw a woman with red hair like you. Nearly followed her until I realised I can’t do that anymore. It’s been so fucking quiet without you
Colin: I keep thinking about what I’ll say to you when I see you. Assuming you’ll be there, obviously. Which you will be. But it’s been so long… I dunno anymore. Can’t trust myself for shit
Colin: I don’t want to ruin the wedding for you. I want to stay out of your way
Colin: But, fuck. I’m fucking desperate Pen
Colin: Hoping beyond hope you give me a chance to explain. That you listen to me. Hear me.
Colin: I’d do anything. You have to know that. I’d do fucking anything.
Colin: anyway. See you at the wedding, Pen