Chapter Text
Paul was leaned up against the small wooden vanity in the dressing room, arms wrapped loosely around himself. The corner of the table digging into his hip uncomfortably. His chest felt heavy, only allowing him to let out short shallow breaths. Everything felt tense, the band, his body, even the crowd outside for fucks sake.
He ran his sore fingers through his hair, which was damp from sweat and the humidity of the room.
Finally His eyes fixated on the box of crappie cigarettes he had tossed on the vanity hours before the gig. And he Prepared one for himself with more urgency than he had in days, he took a long slow drag, desperately searching for some kind of relief. To his avail, the thick smoke in his lungs did nothing to ease the stress coursing throughout his body. he coughed and choked on the smoke as it urged its way out of him.
Nothing felt right these days. Paul constantly felt on edge with the group, they could barely write together anymore without breaking out into some sort of meaningless fucking fight. He could blame anyone though, they had be on tour together for months, and surely they were struggling just as much as him. He was tired, tired of the performance he had to put on, tired of the lousy lifeless concerts, tired of the nonstop criticism from the press, and worse of all from John.
The warm support and praise of his partner, and best mate had always kept him motivated and steadied in the past. John was his pillar to lean on, the one and only person that he knew would always be there for him. Paul was utterly dependent on him, and had be for years. They were two half’s of a whole-LennonMcCartney. Or so he thought.
These past few weeks the warmth had been replaced with a sort of coldness. John threw Bitter remarks towards Paul during sessions and tossed him aside never thinking twice about how lt would affect his partner. They hadn’t had a real conversation in weeks! Paul always tried his best to brush it off. He knew that John didn’t mean to be this careless, he was struggling with the spotlight too of course. But he couldn’t help but take everything he said to heart. It hurt bad, John, his lover, and his favorite person, seemed to have abandoned him in his darkest time. He felt broken and alone, and longed for John’s tender care. The way John straightened his tie before concerts, the way he held his hand under the table during interviews, and the way John kissed him, real gentle and sweet every time they said goodnight. He missed it. The way things used to be.
Tears began to pool in his eyes, thoughts of John’s cruelty flooded every inch his mind, and his chest got tighter with every breath. He felt so weak, but still he fought with all his might to keep his emotions compressed. He wouldnt release the storm, not now at lest.
A soft knock echoed through the thin walls. Sending Paul into a panic, he didn’t want anyone to se him like this, all vulnerable and helpless.
“Paul you in there?” John’s familiar raspy voice called out to him. Paul gathered himself and called back,
“yeah” it came out weaker than he wanted.
In an instant the door swung open without any permission given. It screeched as he closed it behind him. Scanning Paul’s face the older man instantly saw right through Paul’s façade, The flush on the boys cheeks, his glazed over eyes, and his slightly furrowed brows, gave it all away. John stepped closer without hesitation.
“what’s the matter luv?”
He whispered sweetly with a concerned look, already closing the distance between the two. It was the first time John had shown him any kind of affection in a month. However it only made Paul more upset, he should already know what the bloody matter is! His face was stiff trying not to show any emotion,
“nothing Johnny, I’m alright, really .” He projected his voice slightly to sound more sure of it.
“Come on Paul, I can see something’s botherin’ ya”
“You can tell me babe”
John sounded a little desperate to get it outta him, he sounded genuine, he really did wanna know. As John waited for a response he pulled Paul a little closer carefully dragging him in by the waist. He brushed strands of Paul’s dark hair out of his face.
The boy was already softening under his touch, god it felt so good, John fondling over him like this, then he reminded himself of how his lover had deprived him of this touch for so long. Paul didn’t want to give in, he wouldn’t just forgive John that easily.
“John please, stop it” Paul backed away, pulling John’s arm off of him coldly.
“Christ Paul, I’m just trying to help.” John looked heartbroken and a little frustrated at Paul’s resistance. The bassist was already regretting pushing John away like that. But then again , he thought to himself of how John had been anything but a help! Paul could feel himself starting to slip, he couldn’t keep up the act any longer.
“Fuck John! Can’t you see, the bands falling apart! I’m falling apart! And you’ve been a fuck’in arshole for weeks! God, if ya dont like me anymore you could just fuck’in say it, insteada treatin me like a pile of shite!
Paul stopped himself hot tears already started streaming down his face, and an uncomfortable silence filled the room. John looked away carefully calculating his next move, Paul was right, he couldn’t deny, even though he wanted to.
“M’ sorry macca” he mumbled timidly after a few moments looking in to the other man’s pretty doe eyes. He was met with no response.
“I-I really am” his voice trembled and he continued on searching Paul’s face for any forgiveness.
“I don’t ever mean to hurt ya luv, and uh.. I’m real sorry I haven’t been there for ya, y’know I’ve been having a hard time too. I promise I won’t ever shut you out again. You know I like you… a lot ”
“Please forgive me” John begged with absolute sincerity. At this point he also had a few tears dripping down his chin.
John held his breath, hoping Paul would accept him.
Paul sighed, it was deep and shaky, like he was letting go of something heavy, his eyes softened, and with that he let out a big sob sniffling in between. John pulled Paul close colliding his body into Paul’s. Holding him as tight and close as he could. Paul hid his face in the crook of John’s neck, a little embarrassed about how much of a wreck he was. His charcoal colored suit quickly became stained with tears. Paul let himself melt into John’s arms.
“Please don’t leave m-me alone again johnnny, please” he cried out, his voice muffled and weak from the cloth.
“I’m so lost without ya”
The older man’s heart broke hearing that.
“M’ so sorry baby” he wispered into Paul’s ear, trying his best to comfort his weeping boyfriend. John really did feel so guilty for ignoring his lovers need for so long. How could he be so stupid?
“I love you so much Paulie, I won’t ever let you go.”
“I swear” he added, swaying Paul from side to side and whispering sweet Praises to him. They stood there for minutes holding each other, warmth growing from their contact. John’s hand roamed Paul’s back drawing small circles all over. They stroked each other’s cheeks, lovingly wiping away tears and Paul ran his digits through John’s auburn hair. They took their time soothing each other, grounding each other the pain fading away at each touch, it was almost ritualistic. It felt so safe and intimate, something their relationship had been lacking lately. Their crys soon came to a stop.
“feeling better bunny?” John chuckled, pulling his head away to look into his boyfriend’s big dark eyes. Paul simply giggled and nodded, batting his eyelashes at him, which looked extra long from the wetness of his tears. He was adorable, John pulled his lover in to a long yet soft kiss, he made sure to memorize the feeling,the way that Paul’s lips curved around his and warmed him perfectly.